Wednesday, November 1, 2017

2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 9)

USA Today and the A.P. can take a hike - these are the only college football rankings anybody ought to care about.

By: Jimbo X

Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it to you straight about college football? Of course you don't, which is where The Internet In America's 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the '17 season we'll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we're throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the 'net, because we're cool like that. Simply put, you won't get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet - and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin' shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who's ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is - the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?

Alabama (8-0)
Next Opponent: vs. LSU (Nov. 4)

College football's 800 pound, hound's tooth-clad gorilla took week eight off and returns this Saturday for a pivotal SEC West clash against LSU. It hasn't been much of a rivalry as of late, with Bama winning the last five games in the regular season series. In fact, LSU hasn't won in Tuscaloosa since 2011; whatever the outcome, let's just hope this upcoming game results in considerably more points than that field goal-tastic affair.

Georgia (8-0)
Next Opponent: vs. South Carolina (Nov. 4)

An absolutely Falcons-esque collapse not withstanding, the Bulldogs' 42-7 rectal demolition of Florida pretty much hands them the SEC East crown. As has been the case all season long, Georgia's run game was practically unstoppable in the one-sided drubbing. In total, the backfield combined for 292 yards and four touchdowns on the ground, with top back Sony Michel finishing the game with 137 yards and two touchdowns on six carries.

Wisconsin (8-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Indiana (Nov. 4)

The other, other, OTHER, OTHER, OTHER Big 10 powerhouse remains undefeated following a facile 24-10 win over Illinois. The Badgers wound up collecting three touchdowns and 168 yards on the ground in the victory, with leading rusher Jonathan Taylor finishing the game with 73 yards on 12 carries. With four games left on their schedule, the Badgers only have to win two more to guarantee themselves a slot in the Big Ten Championship Game - and considering those four teams are Indiana, Iowa, Michigan and Minnesota, methinks the likelihood of an undefeated regular season isn't out of the question.

Miami (7-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Virginia Tech (Nov. 4)

The Hurricanes remain in pole position of the ACC following their 24-19 win over UNC. Malik Rosier tossed three touchdown passes (plus an INT) en route to collecting 356 yards on 16 completions, with top receiver Jeff Thomas hauling in three catches for an impressive 101 yards. Alas, these next two weeks are going to be brutal for Miami: with two back-to-back homestands against Virginia Tech and Notre Dame, this team's undefeated status may not be long for this world.

Central Florida (7-0)
Next Opponent: vs. SMU (Nov. 4)

UCF bested Austin Peay (fun fact: their nickname is "The Governors" and their mascot looks gayer than actual gay porn) by 40 points over the weekend, positively creaming their adversaries 73-33 in a game that saw the Knights' backfield combine for five touchdowns while QB McKenzie Milton lobbed three touchdown passes and finished the day 24 for 26 for 275 yards. Assuming they can get past South Florida in the final week of the regular season, there's a very strong chance this team finishes 11-0; stay tuned folks, 'cause all it takes is a couple of major upsets over the next few weeks and we might have ourselves a major playoffs dilemma on our hands.

Like Wu Tang, J.T. Barrett does it for the children.

Ohio State (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Iowa (Nov. 4)

Well, looks like J.T. Barrett just earned himself a free blowjob anywhere in the Columbus, Ohio metropolitan-statistical-area for the remainder of his life. Down 35-20 heading into the fourth quarter, the Buckeyes managed to rally with J.T. lobbing three unanswered touchdowns in the final 15 minutes of the game, including the game-clinching 16-yard zonker to Marcus Baugh to give OSU the come-from-behind 39-38 victory. The win puts the Buckeyes in the driver's seat of the Big Ten East, and pending they can get past Iowa, Michigan State, Illinois and Michigan over the next four weeks, practically welds them into the Big Ten Championship Game.

Notre Dame (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Wake Forest (Nov. 4)

The Irish controlled the tempo from the outset in their 35-14 win over N.C. State. Notre Dame QB Brandon Wimbush finished the game 10 for 19 for 104 yards and two touchdown passes, while top back Josh Adams mulched up the field for 202 yards and one rushing TD on 27 carries. In all, Notre Dame managed to muster 318 yards running the ball, while their defense held the Wolfpack to a meager 50 yards on the ground.

Penn State (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Michigan State (Nov. 4)

Despite jumping out to an early 21-3 lead, the Nittany Diddlers pretty much collapsed in the fourth quarter, allowing the Buckeyes to post 21 (technically) unanswered points en route to a season-shifting 39-38 win. Perhaps the bulk of the loss should be blamed on Penn State's lackluster ground production; after all, they could only post 91 yards running the ball, while their D allowed Ohio State to collect 201 rushing yards like it was no thang. Oh, and the same holds true for the aerial yardage, too. The final count? Penn State had 192 passing, while Ohio State finished the game with 328.

Clemson (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. N.C. State (Nov. 4)

The Tigers prevailed over Georgia Tech in a rain-soaked Saturday night affair, besting the Yellow Jackets 24-10. Kelly Bryant went 22 for 33 for 207 yards and two touchdown passes and scrambled for an extra 67 yards on 12 carries. And defensively, Clemson all but shut down Tech's passing attack; at the final horn, GT finished the outing with an absurdly low 32 aerial yards.

Oklahoma (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma State (Nov. 4)

Baker Mayfield had another great showing in the Sooners' 49-27 win over Texas Tech. The probable Heisman Candidate went 22 for 34 for 281 yards, four touchdown passes and one interception, and he even managed to chalk up another 20 yards (and another TD) running the ball. Of course, the defense still looked like shit (especially when it came to covering the pass) seeing as how Oklahoma's porous secondary allowed Nic Shimonek to collect 322 yards and four passing touchdowns.

Looks like somebody forget to tell Marv this isn't a flag football game.

Washington (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Oregon (Nov. 4)

The Huskies' rushing attack is DEFINITELY what gave them the edge over UCLA in their 44-23 win. While Washington QB Jake Browning only had 98 passing yards (and one INT) on the day, the backfield bailed him out big time, with Myles Gaskin and Lavon Coleman combining for 263 yards and four touchdowns on the ground. And the defense, to give 'em a little bit of credit, also played well, holding the Bruins to 170 yards passing and only 62 rushing.

Oklahoma State (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma (Nov. 4)

While Mason Rudolph (20 for 34 for 216 yards, three touchdowns and one interception) had a good day, the decisive factor in the Cowboys' 50-39 win over West Virginia was definitely its run game. In total, Oklahoma State outran the Mountaineers 246 yards to 62, with top backs J.D. King and Justice Hill tag teaming for 228 yards and three scores on the ground. And the secondary, despite allowing West Virginia 285 aerial yards, did its job, I suppose, seeing as how they intercepted Will Grier four times.

TCU (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Texas (Nov. 4)

Well, the Horned Frogs' playoffs aspirations just took a big hit. In a turnover-filled game, TCU dropped a 14-7 heartbreaker to upset specialists Iowa State, as Kenny Hill could only go 12 for 25 for 135 yards, no touchdowns and two interceptions. Hell, not even TCU's run game (which outpaced Iowa State 172 yards to 53) could bail 'em out - but I recon that's what happens when your two best backs combine for 175 yards on the day, but not once do they whiff end zone.

Virginia Tech (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Miami (Nov. 4)

The Hokies really didn't do a whole lot, statistically-speaking, in their 24-3 beatdown of Duke Saturday. Quarterback Josh Jackson finished the game 13 for 27 for 200 yards and one touchdown, while the rushing attack (led by DeShawn McClease, with 75 yards and one TD on 15 carries), ultimately outpaced the Blue Devils 187 yards to 101. The passing defense, though, looked pretty good, holding Duke QB Daniel Jones to just 82 yards, an interception and no touchdowns on the day.

South Florida (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. UConn (Nov. 4)

And now, the Bulls know what defeat tastes like. Despite going 23 for 38 for 325 yards, South Florida QB Quinton Flowers couldn't lob a single touchdown in the team's 28-24 loss to Houston, which can probably best be attributed to the vivid rushing game discrepancies. Granted, the Bulls did collect three touchdowns on the ground, but they could only cover 137 yards in the process; meanwhile, Houston racked up just as many rushing touchdowns, but did so while accumulating 255 yards - including D'Erik King's 20 yard game-winning saunter with just 11 seconds left in the fourth quarter. 

In case you ever wondered how crappy Tulane's rush defense is ... well, there you have it.

Memphis (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Tulsa (Nov. 3)

Memphis made short work of Tulane, throttling the Green Wave 56-26 over the weekend. Riley Ferguson finished the game 18 for 31 for 298 yards, three touchdown passes and one interception, while the Tigers backfield - led by Darrell Henderson, with 112 yards and one end zone visit on 11 carries - ultimately outpaced Tulane 259 yards to 123 on the ground. With Tulsa, East Carolina and SMU remaining on their schedule, it seems very likely that Memphis will run the table and secure a spot in the AAC Championship Game - which also means that a rematch against a UCF team that beat them 40-13 in late September could be in the cards.

Toledo (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Northern Illinois (Nov. 2)

The MAC-best Toledo Rockets continue to roll, drubbing Ball State 58-17 over the weekend. Logan "My Real Name IS My Porno Name" Woodside went 8 for 17 for 267 yards and three touchdown passes in the affair, while top rusher Terry Swanson finished the game with 105 yards and one end zone visit on 11 touches. In total, the Rockets collected 335 yards and four touchdowns on the ground, eclipsing Ball State's rushing production by 131 yards and two scores.

Iowa State (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. West Virginia (Nov. 4)

Hell, we might as well start referring to Iowa State QB Kyle Kempt as "Spike Dudley," since this motherfucker keeps killing Big 12 giants. Just weeks after bumping Oklahoma off the attendance sheets of the unbeaten, the Cyclones did it again Saturday, besting TCU 14-7 in a major, major upset. With this team, TCU, Oklahoma and Oklahoma State all tied 4-1 in conference games heading into week 10, the battle for the Big 12 crown is going to be a war of attrition, no doubt - and as scrappy as these motherfuckers are, definitely don't count them out of the running. 

Auburn (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Texas A&M (Nov. 4)

The Tigers took a breather over the weekend, but they'll be back this Saturday to go toe-to-toe with the Aggies. After that, it's do or die time for Auburn, as they'll have three consecutive home stands, with a Louisiana-Monroe laugher serving as the meat between a tough as fuck Georgia and Alabama sandwich.

LSU (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Alabama (Nov. 4)

Louisiana State likewise took the weekend off and they'll be back this Saturday for a crucial, National Playoffs-shaping, prime time tilt against Alabama. It only gets marginally easier for the Tigers from there, with their remaining schedule consisting of two home stands against Arkansas and Texas A&M with a penultimate road trip to Tennessee wedged in-between.

Only in the PAC-12 can you be a four-loss team and still have a 50-50 chance of making the conference championship ...

Stanford (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Washington State (Nov. 4)

It was a close one, but the always singular Cardinal nonetheless pulled out the 15-14 win over Oregon State. Still, Stanford's stats weren't exactly the most impressive numbers you'll ever see. Keller Chryst went 16 for 33 for 141 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, while the entire Stanford backfield (led by Cameron Scarlett, with 72 yards on 17 carries) could only collect 82 yards on the day.

Arizona (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. USC (Nov. 4)

The run game was the key to the Wildcats' 58-37 victory over Washington State Saturday. While the Cougars could only put up a puny 44 yards on the ground, Arizona managed to collect 310 rushing yards and four touchdown runs, with top backs J.J. Taylor (152 yards, two touchdowns) and Khalil Tate (146 yards, one touchdown) leading the herd. Oh, and by the way, that Khalil Tate guy is also Arizona's quarterback - he finished the outing 10 for 17 for 275 yards and two touchdowns (plus one interception, but come on, who's counting?)

N.C. State (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Clemson (Nov. 4)

Well, the Wolfpack sure as hell got their bells rung by the Irish. In a brutal 35-14 loss, N.C. State QB Ryan Finley went 17 for 37 for 213 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, while Reggie Gallaspy could only collect 47 rushing yards on 11 carries. And the less said about that awful rush defense - which allowed Notre Dame more than 300 yards on the ground - the better.

Washington State (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Stanford (Nov. 4)

After going 13 for 23 for 93 yards and one touchdown, Cougars QB Luke Falk got benched in favor of Tyler Hilinski - who then proceeded to go 45 for 61 for 509 yards, two touchdowns and four interceptions. Alas, those NFL Blitz numbers were for naught, as Washington State still lost to Arizona 58-37. Huh - you think that paltry 44-yard rushing day (and the defense allowing Arizona to rack up 310 on the ground) might have something to do with that?

USC (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Arizona (Nov. 4)

At this point in the season, the Trojans' playoffs chances are about as likely as the odds of the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl. Still, playing for pride (and probably a New Year's bowl game in Pasadena), USC looked sharp dispatching Arizona State 48-17 over the weekend. Sam Darnold and Ronald Jones continue to provide one of college football's most explosive QB-RB duos - the former finished last Saturday night's outing with 266 yards and three touchdown passes, while the latter wrapped up the game with 216 rushing yards and two end zone visits.


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