Tuesday, November 21, 2017

2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 12!)

USA Today and the A.P. can take a hike - these are the only college football rankings anybody ought to care about.

By: Jimbo X

Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it to you straight about college football? Of course you don't, which is where The Internet In America's 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the '17 season we'll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we're throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the 'net, because we're cool like that. Simply put, you won't get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet - and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin' shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who's ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is - the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?

Alabama (11-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Auburn (Nov. 25)

No surprise, the Tide murder-death-killed Mercer over the weekend 56-to-goose turd. The season is on the line this Saturday, as Bama must travel to Jordan-Hare Stadium for an Iron Bowl showdown that will not only determine the SEC West participant in the Conference Championship Game, but mayhap even eliminate the loser from National Playoffs considerations. The stakes are sky high on this one - this isn't just must see TV, this is fuckin' steal a LCD on Black Friday if ya' really have to TV.

Miami (10-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Pittsburgh (Nov. 24)

It was 21-14 at halftime in last Saturday's Miami vs. Virginia tilt, and for a moment there, it looked like the Hurricanes were on upset alert. Of course, Miami then went on to score 30 unanswered points en route to a 44-28 win, so yeah - there's that. This Saturday's hootenanny with Pittsburgh means about as much as two shakes of a rat's dick, seeing as how they've already earned themselves a slot in the ACC Championship Game. Still, having an 11-0 record ain't a bad thing to have heading into Championship Saturday - especially when the digits on the right hand side of the win-loss column could spell the difference between a Playoffs appearance or an Orange Bowl runner-up prize.

Wisconsin (11-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Minnesota (Nov. 25)

Wisconsin remains undefeated after beating Michigan 24-10, and unless they REALLY fuck up historically bad, they should remain undefeated after this Saturday's shindig with the Golden Gophers. Win or lose, the Badgers have already secured a slot in this year's Big 10 title game - they'll be clashing with Ohio State in two weeks' time, and one would simply assume that if they wrap up the year 12-0, the selection committee would pretty much HAVE to give 'em a slot in the playoffs, wouldn't they?

Central Florida (10-0)
Next Opponent: vs. South Florida (Nov. 25)

The Knights have an opportunity to finish the regular season 11-0 with a win over South Florida this Saturday - which, yeah, ain't exactly a chip shot. Regardless, the victor of that game will clash with Memphis for the AAC crown in two weeks' time - alas, the National Playoffs Selection Committee being the Power Five nut huggers they are, don't expect even a 12-0 Central Florida team to even dream of making the pigskin final four.

Clemson (10-1)
Next Opponent: vs. South Carolina (Nov. 25)

Following a 61-3 demolition of The Citadel, the Tigers clash with in-state rivals South Carolina in a pretty meaningless game this weekend. Clemson's no doubt looking past the Gamecocks and towards Dec. 2, when they'll duke it out with Miami for the ACC title. It can't get any easier, folks: if Clemson wins that one, they're in the playoffs. And if they lose? Have fun at the Orange Bowl, motherfuckers.

Don't worry - he'll get his just desserts when the Browns draft him first overall next year.

Oklahoma (10-1)
Next Opponent: vs. West Virginia (Nov. 25)

After pummelin' Kansas 41-3, the Sooners just have to wait it out and see who's next on the docket. Sure, they do have the Mountaineers scheduled for this Saturday, but seeing as how they've already earned a spot in the first Big 12 Championship Game in more than a decade, something tells me they'll have their eyes firmly focused on how TCU and Oklahoma State fare over the weekend. And hey, if we're lucky, Baker Mayfield might do something dickish (literally) yet again!

Georgia (10-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Georgia Tech (Nov. 25)

Win or lose against the 5-5 Yellow Jackets this Saturday, the Bulldogs will be in the SEC title game a fortnight from now. The question is, which team will they wind up facing - an Auburn team that already drubbed 'em earlier this season or an Alabama colossus that eats run games like Tic-Tacs? Yeah, either way, the Bulldogs faithful shouldn't be too optimistic about what's in store for them Dec. 2 ...

Memphis (9-1)
Next Opponent: vs. East Carolina (Nov. 25)

Since Memphis has already secured a berth in the AAC Championship, this weekend's contest against East Carolina means exactly two things: fuckin' nothin' and Jack Shit. Depending on how things fall out, the Tigers will play either Central Florida or South Florida for the conference crown, and from there? It's a bit preposterous to think a 11-1 Memphis team is making the final four, but they MIGHT find themselves snaking their way into a big New Year's Eve bowl game ... but which one, exactly?

South Florida (9-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Central Florida (Nov. 25)

IF South Florida beats Central Florida Saturday, they win the AAC East and, by proxy, earn themselves a date with Memphis a fortnight from now. And if South Florida can beat UCF and Memphis back-to-back, common sense would dictate they'd probably get a big New Year's bowl game for their efforts. Hmm ... you think these guys might be able to sneak their way into the Peach Bowl, or hell, even maybe the Rose Bowl come 2018?

Auburn (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Alabama (Nov. 25)

After throttling Louisiana Monroe 42-14 Saturday, for Auburn the whole kit and caboodle comes down to the 81st running of the Iron Bowl this weekend. It's real simple folks: if Auburn wins, they go to the SEC Championship, and if they beat Georgia (again), they're practically guaranteed a spot in the National Playoffs. Of course, that's way easier said than done - after all, all we're asking them to do is beat an 11-o Alabama team with a historically great defense ... 

The last time Louisiana gave up that much yardage, France got 50 million Francs richer.

Ohio State (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Michigan (Nov. 25)

This year's Ohio State/Michigan game don't have nowhere near its usual luster, thanks in part to the Wolverines looking like caca heading into the contest and the Buckeyes assuredly taking it easy since they've already got a berth in the conference championship game secured. Alas, even if Ohio State beats Wisconsin two weeks from now, it's a total crap shoot whether or not the team makes the playoffs - with a couple of one-loss teams ahead of them in the rankings, it would take nothing short of a miracle for the chips to fall in such a way that THE Ohio State makes it into THE four-team playoffs.

TCU (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Baylor (Nov. 25)

There's no doubt that TCU ought to get past Baylor this Saturday, and if they do (and by God, they really don't have an excuse not to) that means they'll be locking horns with Oklahoma for the Big 12 title next week. But if they somehow lose and Oklahoma State wins against Kansas, LOLOOPS, TCU will probably wind up playing in the Belk Bowl or the Dollar General Bowl or something equally pointless. So needless to say - these fucks better win, for a litany of reasons.

USC (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D. (Dec. 01)

The Trojans' regular season is done and now they await either Stanford, Washington or Washington State for next week's PAC-12 Championship tilt. Of course, even if they win the conference title, it's extremely unlikely that USC will make the playoffs - indeed, it's such a foregone conclusion that USC is Rose Bowl-bound that you kinda' have to wonder why they're even bothering with a championship game at all this year.

Notre Dame (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Stanford (Nov. 25)

The Irish ain't going nowhere nice on New Years, but they can play spoilers and wreck Stanford's holiday plans by besting the always singular Cardinal this Saturday. It's kinda' difficult determining which bowl game Notre Dame will end up in; their record isn't good enough to get them in one of the Big Six, but you'd assume they'd get something a little bit more high profile than the TaxSlayer Bowl, wouldn't you?

Penn State (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Maryland (Nov. 25)

Win or lose against Maryland, Penn State won't be doing much of anything over the next few weeks. Already eliminated from the Big 10 title race (and, thus, the National Playoffs bonanza) the Nittany Shh-Don't-Tell-Your-Parents-About-Our-Secret-Activities will be sidelined until New Years rolls around - where they will no doubt be participating in a utterly meaningless bowl game, which, yeah, is still preferable to remaining silent about three decades' worth of child sex abuse.

Huh - that's the first time I've had to type "Penn State" and "one-handed grab" without it referring to child abuse.

Washington State (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Washington (Nov. 25)

The Cougars can get into the PAC-12 Championship Game, but it's going to take some help. First, Washington State has to beat Washington, which, in and of itself, is an uphill challenge. But even worse than that? Even if they DO beat the Huskies, Washington State still needs a clearly demoralized and unmotivated Notre Dame squad to beat Stanford this weekend, too. Sheesh - why not ask these boys to go move a couple of mountains while they're at it?

Washington (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Washington State  (Nov. 25)

Washington can punch their tickets to the PAC 12 Championship Game if and only if two things happen. First, they gotta' take care of Washington State Saturday, which they probably can. But secondly, they've got to pray and hope Notre Dame gives enough of a shit to show up against Stanford this weekend and actually try to win their final game of the regular season. So all that to say - Washington fans, you have my condolences.

Boise State (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Fresno State (Nov. 25)

Well, this is fucked up. This Saturday, Boise State will take on Fresno State in each team's respective regular season finale. And then, on Dec. 2, Boise State will take on Fresno State AGAIN, this time to determine the Mountain West Champion. Now, it's never apropos to say a football game is completely meaningless, but kids - this game coming up Saturday is just about as close to goddamn meaningless as anything in this world.

San Diego State (8-2)
Next Opponent: vs. New Mexico (Nov. 24)

Well, even with a win over New Mexico, the Aztecs will be sidelined for the Mountain West Championship Game, which has already been booked as Boise State vs. Fresno State. Of course, SDSU is certainly bowl eligible, but it seems unlikely the team would get a prominent showcase come New Years. But man - wouldn't it be a hoot to watch this team take on somebody like South Florida, or maybe even Texas Tech?

Troy (8-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Texas State (Nov. 24)

Well, seeing as how the Sunbelt Conference don't have a championship game, Troy's next two outings (against Texas State this weekend and at Arkansas State on Dec. 2) don't really account for much o' nothin'. Still, with a record that'll likely be 10-2, I suppose you can't count 'em out of a bowl game against a real Power Five opponent. Personally, I like the idea of pairing 'em against Michigan State - who wouldn't want to see a rematch between the Spartans and the Trojans, after all?

Holy hell, can you imagine how hard it must be for color-blind Boise State fans to watch this shit?

Toledo (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Western Michigan (Nov. 24)

With either a win over Western Michigan or Northern Illinois taking a loss this weekend, Toledo will automatically qualify for the MAC Championship Game, where they will probably go cleat-to-cleat with Akron (whom the Rockets beat earlier this season 48-21) or Ohio (whom beat Toledo 38-10 just a couple weeks back.) Regardless, you might want to keep an eye on Rockets running back Shakif Seymour - seeing as how he scored five touchdowns in Toledo's 66-37 win over Bowling Green State last Saturday, he's probably got a few more end zone visitations in him before the season's over and done for.

Stanford (8-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Notre Dame (Nov. 25)

Right now, the Cardinal control their own fate. If they beat the Irish this Saturday, they're guaranteed a slot in the PAC-12 Championship Game against USC. However, if they lose and Washington beats Washington State, the Huskies get the conference championship tickets and Stanford will, most likely, wind up playing in a bowl game that won't nobody ever watch, like the Independence Bowl or the Foster Farms Bowl. So, uh, is that a big enough incentive for 'em to bump off Notre Dame this weekend?

LSU (8-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Texas A&M (Nov. 25)

After trouncing Tennessee 30-10 over the weekend, LSU looks to end their regular season campaign with one more W as they go head-to-head with the Aggies. Guaranteed a winning record no matter what, of course the Tigers are liable to participate in some kind of bowl around the holidays - perchance even the Orange Bowl? 

Mississippi State (8-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Ole Miss (Nov. 23)

The Bulldogs came from behind to beat Arkansas 28-21 Saturday and now they're hoping to bump off the Rebels to improve to 9-3 on the year this Thursday. Mississippi State, naturally, won't be playing in a big bowl game this year, but they will be playing in one of them, somewhere. Uh, the Cactus Bowl, or the Alamo Bowl? Eh - like I can even try to make that kinda' shit sound exciting.

Northwestern (8-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Illinois (Nov. 25)

Following a 39-0 blanking of Minnesota, the Wildcats are on a six game winning streak - which they look to extend to seven against the Illini this Saturday. It's kinda' been a lost narrative this season, but Northwestern has the second-best record in the west side of the Big 10, and would be fighting for the conference crown had it not been for Wisconsin. Then again, to give you an idea of just how easy it is to win the division, the third place team in the sub-conference has seven losses, so, yeah - try not to pat yourself on the back too hard, guys.


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