Thursday, November 16, 2017

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week Ten!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X

This Week's Episode:
"You're either in or you're out ... or you're Buffalo."


Philadelphia Eagles (8-1)
Season Point Differential: +104

The Philadelphia Eagles, by virtue of a bye, held on to the League's best overall record last weekend. They return this Sunday for a prime-time contest against the Cowboys in Jerry World, in which Ezekiel Elliot (probably) won't be legally eligible to play. In case you were wondering, Philadelphia is currently the NFL's fourth most productive offense, averaging 377 yards a game; and allowing 315.9 yards a game, they qualify as a top ten defense, as well. 

Los Angeles Rams (7-2)
Season Point Differential: +134

The Rams shellacked the Watson-and-Watts-less Texans over the weekend, 33-7. Jared Goff's impressive sophomore season continued, as he went 25 for 37 for 355 yards and three touchdown passes (two of which landed in the arms of receiver Robert Woods, who finished the game with 171 yards on only eight catches.) Alas, the Rams' run game wasn't as dominant as it has been this season - the backfield wrapped up the game with just 104 yards on the ground, with zero end zone visitations.

New Orleans Saints (7-2)
Season Point Differential: +103

I don't know how in the fuck they did it, but the Saints are quickly becoming one of the League's most dominant defenses. In New Orleans' 47-10 mangling of Buffalo, Drew Brees pretty much took the day off and let the backfield run over the Bills' D like Argentinian tourists in New York, with the team's running back corps combining for 298 yards and SIX rushing touchdowns (complete with Mark Ingram chalking up three end zone visits and 131 yards on the day.) But what's even more impressive than that is how little offense N.O. allowed the Bills; at the final horn, Buffalo could only muster 129 yards in the air and a scant 69 on the ground.

New England Patriots (7-2)
Season Point Differential: +62

Even with the League's worst defense, statistically, the Pats continue to roll thanks to their best-in-the-NFL offense. In Monday night's 41-16 stompin' of Denver, Tom Brady went 25 for 34 for 266 yards and three touchdown passes - which went to, of all the players on New England's stacked receivers corps, Rex Burkhead, James White and THE Dwayne Allen. Still, back Dion Lewis probably had the most impressive showing of the contest; not only did he collect one rushing TD and finish the game with 55 yards on 14 carries, he also returned a Denver kick 103 yards for a special teams touchdown

Minnesota Vikings (7-2)
Season Point Differential: +52

It was a (sorta) close one, but the Vikes still managed to outclass the Redskins 38-30 over the weekend. Case Keenum - who, believe it or not, is likely to get benched in favor of Teddy Bridgewater for Minnesota's next game - went 21 for 29 for 304 yards, four touchdown passes and two interceptions, with Adam Thielen finishing the contest with 166 yards and one TD haul on eight catches. Leading all rushers in the game was ex-Raiders Latavius Murray, who concluded the contest with 68 yards and one rushing TD on 17 carries.

Pittsburgh Steelers (7-2)
Season Point Differential: +39

A 33-yard field goal from Chris Boswell as time expired gave the Steelers a 20-17 win over the Colts, in a game that was way closer than it probably had any right to be. Big Ben went 19 for 31 for 236 yards and a 2-to-1 TD-to-INT split, with JuJu Smith-Schuster collecting one TD pass and 97 yard on five catches. And despite not hitting end zone, Le'Veon Bell still had a pretty good day, finishing the contest with 80 yards on 26 carries.

Carolina Panthers (7-3)
Season Point Differential: +33

At this point, Cam Newton is on track to have an even better statistical year than he did in his 2015 MVP season. In the Panthers' 45-21 win over Miami, Cam went 21 for 35 for 254 yards and FOUR touchdown passes ... and if that wasn't enough, he also rushed for 95 yards on five carries (including a 69-yard scamper that has to be seen to be believed.) By the way, the Panthers' net yardage of 548 last Monday night is the largest sum in franchise history - a history that goes all the way back to the year of our Lord 1995.

Jacksonville Jaguars (6-3)
Season Point Differential: +92

It may have taken same overtime play to do it, but the Jags nonetheless managed to rally against the Chargers and take home a hard-earned 20-17 W over the weekend. Blake Bortles went 28 for 51 for 273 yards and an one-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, with top back Corey Grant wrapping up the game with 56 yards and one TD on his only carry of the game. Still, questions linger about the Jags' pass defense - letting a way past his prime Phillip Rivers lob the rock for 235 yards and two touchdown passes ain't exactly a recipe for long-term success heading down the stretch.

Kids, just so you know - this isn't really how you're supposed to play football.


Seattle Seahawks (6-3)
Season Point Differential: +46

The good news for Seattle is that Russell Wilson looked great in the team's 22-16 win over Arizona last Thursday night. He concluded the game 22 for 32 for 238 yards and two touchdown passes, with Doug Baldwin hauling in five receptions for 95 yards. But the bad news, I'm afraid, is very bad: after sustaining a ruptured Achille's tendon early in the contest, Seattle defensive stud Richard Sherman will be out for the remainder of the season.

Kansas City Chiefs (6-3)
Season Point Differential: +45

The Chiefs had a bye last week and return this Sunday for a 1 P.M. local time kickoff against the Giants. Averaging 371.8 yards a contest, Kansas City currently possesses the fifth best offense in pro football heading into Week 11; alas, allowing 390.3 yard per game, their defense ranks 28th out of 32.

Tennessee Titans (6-3)
Season Point Differential: -8

The Titans find themselves sittin' pretty atop the AFC South standings after their 24-20 victory against Cincinnati. Marcus Mariota went 25 for 44 in the affair, finishing the game with 264 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split. But this team HAS to do something about that offensive line - with their franchise player eating four sacks for negative 28 yards against the Bengals, it's only a matter of time before their star QB winds up getting severely banged up again.

Detroit Lions (5-4)
Season Point Differential: +34

With less than two minutes remaining in the third quarter, the Browns led the Lions 24-17. So - of course - Matt Stafford would then throw three unanswered touchdown passes to give Detroit the come-from-behind 38-24 win. Still, the Lions have little reason to celebrate the victory - I mean, these assholes DID let the still-winless Browns outpace them on the ground by more than 100 yards, didn't they?
Dallas Cowboys (5-4)
Season Point Differential: +28

Hoo boy, did Dallas play like utter and complete shit against the Falcons last Sunday. Sans Eazy E in the backfield, the Cowboys could only muster 107 yards on the ground, with roughly half of the yardage collected by Dak Prescott - who finished the game 20 for 30 for 176 yards and no touchdown passes. And hey, what was all of that preseason noise about Dallas having one of the best offensive lines in NFL history? Well, considering Prescott got sacked EIGHT TIMES by the Falcons, something tells me that little accolade needs to be suspended pronto.

Atlanta Falcons (5-4)
Season Point Differential: +18

If you didn't catch Atlanta's 27-7 butt-fuckin' of the Cowboys, you missed one of the single greatest defensive performances in NFL history. Falcons defensive end Adrian Clayborn didn't just make Dak Prescott his bitch, he made him his common law wife and maybe even got him pregnant, sacking Dallas' QB a whopping SIX TIMES and hitting him after the pass another EIGHT. Rumors abound they're still picking pieces of Dak's eviscerated asshole out of the artificial turf at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, with some reports suggesting bits of his fragmented sphincter managed to fly as far north as the new Atlanta Braves stadium.

Green Bay Packers (5-4)
Season Point Differential: -3

Hey ya'll, Brett Hundley just won a pro football game! In the Packers' 23-16 victory against Chicago, B.H. went 18 for 25 for 212 yards and one TD pass, with top receiver Davante Adams chalking up 90 yards and one end zone visit on five hauls. And, surprisingly, Green Bay's rushing attack positively trampled Chicago, as the Packers outpaced the Bears on the ground by a 160 yard to 55 yard differential.

Buffalo Bills (5-4)
Season Point Differential: -12

With T-Mobile going 9 for 18 for a puny 56 yards and one INT in last Sunday's 47-10 loss to the Saints, the Bills' management has officially decided to start Nathan Peterman for this Sunday's shindig against the Chargers. By the way, Peterman's first NFL game was last Sunday, and he only managed to rack up 79 yards and one TD pass. So for those of you who have impatiently waited for the Bills' annual midseason collapse ... I reckon you won't have to wait much longer.

I don't know what's sweeter - that the refs let him get away with a blatant facemask, or the fact he got away with a blatant karate chop to the ballsack.


Baltimore Ravens (4-5)
Season Point Differential: +19

The Ravens had a bye last week and will return to the gridiron this Sunday for a road game against the Packers. Heading into week 11, Baltimore - averaging 286.6 yards a game - has the League's 30th ranked (read: third worst) offense. However, they're faring much better on the other side of the ball. Allowing 310.6 yards per game, their defense is ranked sixth overall in the NFL.

Oakland Raiders (4-5)
Season Point Differential: -18

After a breather last week, the Raiders will attempt to hit .500 this Sunday in a home game against the Patriots ... a home game, by the way, that's taking place in Mexico fuckin' City. When it comes to overall offense, the Raiders rank 24th, with an average of 324.6 yards a contest. Allowing 361.1 yards a game, their defense doesn't hold up any better, ranking 25th overall ... and the team has YET to record a single interception over the course of the season's first nine games.

Washington Redskins (4-5)
Season Point Differential: -25

Kirk Cousins put in a good showing, but it wasn't enough to lead the Redskins over Minnesota, whom lost Sunday's tilt against the Vikings 38-30. Cousins finished the game 26 for 45 for 327 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split - plus two rushing touchdowns, accounting for the entirety of his team's ground-based points production. Alas, the injury bug bite Washington yet again, and top running back Rob Kelley has been placed on the team's I.R. for this Sunday's clash with the Saints.

Arizona Cardinals (4-5)
Season Point Differential: -68

Drew Stanton had a lot of yards in Thursday's 22-16 loss to the Seahawks, but he didn't put a whole lot of points on the board, neither. He went 24 for 47 in the contest, ultimately wrapping up the game with 273 yards and one TD pass - a floater to Jermaine Gresham, whose 64 yards on the day made him second on the squad for most receiving yards in the contest next to Larry Fitzgerald, who had 113 yards on 10 hauls. Again, however, Arizona's rushing attack looked horrid; combined, the backfield could only produce 34 yards all game long, with Adrian Peterson putting up a woefully disappointing 29 yards on 21 carries.

Miami Dolphins (4-5)
Season Point Differential: -87

Considering how wide-open the AFC is at this point in the season, you really can't say the Dolphins are dead in the water yet. Still, their 45-21 loss to the Panthers last Monday night is a real backbreaker, calling into question Jay Cutler's long term viability as the team's QB and the team's painfully blunted rushing attack. Still, Miami can hit .500 with a win over Tampa Bay this weekend - not that such is a guarantee in today's NFL, of course.

New York Jets (4-6)
Season Point Differential: -21

Josh McCown's 262 yard day wasn't enough to lift the Jets over Tampa Bay, as New York fell to the struggling Bucs 15-10 last Sunday. Tampa Bay's backfield managed to outrush the Jets 90 yards to 56, while McCown and Ryan Fitzpatrick finished the game with one TD and one INT a piece. The difference maker in this one? The Bucs' special teams, which saw kicker Patrick Murray boot three field goals for nine on the scoreboard.

Los Angeles Chargers (3-6)
Season Point Differential: -5

Well, they didn't earn the nickname "The Chokers" for nothin', kids. Heading into the third quarter L.A. was up 14-6 against the Jags ... and in true Chargers fashion, a series of horrific offensive miscues allowed the Jaguars to knot it up 17-17 with just three seconds left in regulation. And right on cue, Philip Rivers was there to lob a costly interception in overtime, allowing their opponents to easily march down field and notch a gimme field goal to win the whole she-bang 20-17.

Houston Texans (3-6)
Season Point Differential: -5

Tom Savage had a day to forget in the Texans' 33-7 mugging at the hands of the Rams. He went 18 for 36 for 221 yards, one TD and two interceptions, in addition to getting sacked thrice for negative 27 yards. Oh, and he fumbled the ball away ... twice. Oh well, at least receiver DeAndre Hopkins had a pretty decent showing; he concluded the losing effort with 111 yards (but no touchdowns) on seven catches.

"Fifteen yard penalty ... for unnecessary blackness."


Cincinnati Bengals (3-6)
Season Point Differential: -33

If you're looking for clues as to why Cincy dropped Sunday's close 'un against the Titans 24-20, turn your eyes towards the run game. At the final horn the Bengals produced 53 yards on the ground, with Joe Mixon garnering one TD off 37 rushing yards. Now, contrast that with the rushing production for Tennessee: two touchdowns off 180 rushing yards. Hell, Marcus Mariota almost had as many rushing yards as the entire Bengals' backfield - with a run defense that shitty, this team's destined to get drubbed like a motherfucker by Baltimore and Pittsburgh for the remainder of all time.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-6)
Season Point Differential: -35

Time well tell if Ryan Fitzpatrick is really the answer Tampa Bay's looking for, but all things told he didn't look too bad in the Bucs' 15-10 win over the Jets. The former Jet/Titan/Texan/Bill/Bengal/Ram went 17 for 34 for 187 yards and a dead even one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. And DeSean Jackson did posted some pretty decent stats, too - 82 yards on six receptions.

Chicago Bears (3-6)
Season Point Differential: -44

I guess the good news about the Bears' 23-16 loss to Green Bay is that Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky got plenty of aerial yardage. In the defeat, Mitch went 21 for 35 for 297 yards and one TD pass. Of course, he also got sacked five times for 29 lost yards and hit after the pass another seven, but hey ... baby steps, remember?

Denver Broncos (3-6)
Season Point Differential: -73

Last Monday the Broncos got rekt at home by the Patriots, who positively throttled 'em 41-16. Oddly enough, Denver's offensive stats weren't that different from New England - Brock Osweiler finished the game with about 60-or-so fewer passing yards than Tom Brady and the Denver backfield actually outpaced the Pats on the ground, 118-99. But yeah, about that defense giving up damn near 300 yards in the air - and the less said about the piss poor special teams play, the better.

Indianapolis Colts (3-7)
Season Point Differential: -101

The Colts kept it surprisingly close against the Steelers, ultimately succumbing to Pittsburgh via a 20-17 final score. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 14 for 24 in the contest, concluding the game with 222 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. And oddly enough, it was Colts receiver Chester Rogers (and not anybody on Pittsburgh's star-studded wide receivers roster) who ended the game with the most reception yards - 104 yards and one TD pass on six receptions, to be exact.

New York Giants (1-8)
Season Point Differential: -88

As shitty as your life may be, you're predicament probably isn't as shitty as the one the New York Giants are in. Following a 31-21 loss to the formerly win-less 49ers, the G-Men find themselves mathematically incapable of posting a winning season, and rumors are flying that Eli Manning might get sent his walking papers before this season is even over. And at this point, you have to figure Ben McAdoo's chances of remaining head coach next year are about 50-50; it's downright amazing to recall the same guy calling the shots for this dumpster fire was the very same man who led the Giants to an 11-5 season just one year ago.

San Francisco 49ers (1-9)
Season Point Differential: -86

The Niners FINALLY tasted victory this season as the knocked off the Giants 31-21 at home over the weekend. C.J. Beathard went 19 for 25 for 288 yards, two touchdowns and one interception, while Carlos Hyde carried the rock for 98 yards on 17 carries. And if you're looking for a feel-good pro football story, look no further than San Fran wideout Marquise Goodwin, who collected a TD and 83 yards on one reception just hours after his child was stillborn. I mean, the touchdown didn't bring his dead kid back to life or anything, but I guess having a dead kid and an 83-yard touchdown catch is still preferable to having a dead kid and no fantasy football points, ain't it?

Cleveland Browns (0-9)
Season Point Differential: -97

The Browns came close to upsetting the Lions over the weekend, but the Browns still being the Browns, they quickly managed to squander a late 24-17 lead and allow Matt Stafford to quickly shove three touchdowns down their esophagi en route to a two-touchdown loss. Still, there were some glimmers of hope in the defeat; for one, Cleveland's rushing attack did look surprisingly potent, outpacing the Lions 201 yards to 104 yards on the ground. And the defense did manage to sack Stafford four times - could such be the beginning of the Brown's reinvention as an early-2000s-style Baltimore Ravens smashmouth team? All I can say is stay tuned, folks (and remember, I called it first.)


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