Friday, December 29, 2017

The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 219: Cyborg vs. Holm!

Unable to catch the last marquee MMA event of the year, for whatever stupid ass reason? No problems, Holmes - our LIVE(ish) round-by-round coverage will keep you in the loop all night long...

By: Jimbo X

Well, this is it, kids - the final UFC event of 2017, and we're ending the year with a doozie. Sure, sure, Cris Cyborg vs. Holly Holm might not be a parallel to Muhammad Ali vs. Joe Frazier, but it's still something of a mini-dream come true for MMA fans the world over. I mean, has there ever been a female fighter as dominant for as long as Cyborg, and come on - Holly Holm is the ho that ended the myth of Ronda Rousey. I mean, this is at least as good as watching Larry Holmes fight James "Buster" Douglas in 1991 - the shit's gotta' account for something, don't it?

But even in the unlikely chance the main event don't deliver, we've still got a fairly solid PPV undercard to justify squandering the evening. We've got Khabib Nurmagomedov and Carlos Condit both making their long-awaited returns to the Octagon, plus fights involving ... uh, Carla Esparza and Marc Diakiese? Well, like I said - this ain't exactly a UFC 217 or UFC 218 caliber affair we're working with here, so at least I'm being honest with you fucks up front.

What's that? You mean you can't watch tonight's PPV spectacular because it costs too much to order it and your computer is too shitty to stream it illegally? Have you been banned from the local sports bar for trying to slip Wendy the old magic thumb one too many times, or has Johnny Law revoked your license for D.W.I. so now you're stuck at home with an ankle monitor around your leg and no way to enjoy the fighting festivities? Well, have no fear!

As always, we here at The Internet Is In America looks forward to providing you with some of the BEST LIVESTREAM (of consciousness) coverage of UFC 219 you'll find anywhere. Our LIVE ROUND-BY-ROUND COVERAGE of the show begins right at 10 p.m. Eastern on Saturday, Dec. 30, so mark your calendars, bookmark this shit and get ready to hit the "refresh" button over and over again, 'cause the updates will be headed your war early and often. And hey, how about doing us and yourselves a favor and letting your MMA-watching pals know about our free service tonight? Not only will they appreciate your forethought and kind considerations, there's at least a 50/50 chance one of them will give you a blow job for it.

The show opens with a memorial tribute to Robert Follis. I, for one, have no idea who Robert Follis is. Oh, OK, he was Tim Elliot's coach and he committed suicide a few weeks ago. Thanks a million, Google!

We are coming to you ALIVE from the T-Mobile Center in Las Vegas, where the local NHL team is probably going to win their conference in their first year in existence because all of the traveling teams are lulled into snorting cocaine with hookers the night before the game.

Our hosts are Jon Anik, Joe Rogan and Dominic Cruz. That make its 2/3rds baldies, for those counting at home.

They replay footage of yesterday's weigh-ins where Cyborg painted her eyelids like the Brazilian flag. Come to think of it, bitch does sorta' look like Blanka, if you squint a little. Meanwhile, Joe says the Khabib/Barboza co-main is "a fantabulous fight," so yeah, it's obvious he's calling this one high again.

Oh, and just so you know - Nevada hasn't implemented the new unified rules and limited instant replay can be used. Which pretty much guarantees us at least one screwjob finish before the night's over, if not two or three.

Welterweight Bout
Carlos Condit (30-10-0-0) vs. Neil Magny (19-7-0-0)

The last time we saw Condit in action it was August 2016, when he got subbed by Demian Maia. He's gunning to chalk up his first in-cage win since May 2015 when he returns to action against Neil Magny, who was last seen at UFC 215 getting arm-triangled like a motherfucker by Rafael dos Anjos. It's no doubt gonna' be a long crawl before either of these two fighters can rightly be considered title contender material, but hey - the longest of journeys begins but with one step, doesn't it?

LOL at Anik calling Magny "a division staple." Shit, why don't you just come out and call him a fucking doorkeeper while you're at it? Magny comes out to that there rapping music and Anik blows ALL our minds when he tells us Neil has the second most wins in the UFC since 2013. Oh goddamn, Netflix MADE Condit come out to a song that's in Bright. This is why corporate synergy is the fuckin' devil, kids.

Condit with an early leg kick. He whiffs on a combo and kick to the sternum. Magny grabs Condit's leg and pushes him down. Condit grapevines Magny's leg while Magny's standing and Magny hops in the full guard. Magny lifts Condit in a power bomb position and PUNCHES Condit with a free hand before he lightly drops him to the mat. We're standing again and Magny is peppering Condit with punches in the clinch. The two exchange knees, and we have separation. Magny with leg kicks and Condit whiffs on another would-be haymaker. Condit barely connects on a one-two combo and misses by a mile on a spin kick. Condit dodges a big Magny punch and Magny pops him in the stomach. Condit FINALLY manages to land a combo. Magny grabs his leg on a kick attempt and the two momentarily clinch against the cage. Condit with a good combo and a spinning kick to end the round.

Round two. Condit is bleeding from his nose and his lip. Condit with a kick to the torso, but he didn't get all of it. Condit lands a decent combo and front kick to the bread basket. Magny lands a front kick, grabs Condit's leg AGAIN and bullies him up against the cage. Magny has a body lock and he's throwing knees. Magny slams Condit to the ground and Condit tries to grab a leg lock. Magny is up and he's almost in the full guard. Condit gets back to his feet and makes Magny eat an elbow. Condit whiffs on yet another spin kick. Condit lands a big right and gets his hooks in Magny. Now Magny's looking for another takedown. He slams Condit's ass hard again. Condit trying for an arm bar. He loses it as the bell sounds.

Round three. Magny lands several kicks to the stomach. Condit has a big cut on his shoulder blade, somehow. Condit chases Magny down but all he can do is land a shitty looking kick to the midsection when he finally sees an opening. Condit misses by a mile on a flying knee. Magny shoots for another takedown. Magny lets go of the clinch and lands a solid right before separating. Condit lands a combo, and he unloads on Magny against the cage. Alas, Neil rebounds almost immediately. Magny lands another hard right. Condit connects on a rather effete looking spin kick. Magny catches Condit's leg AGAIN and pops Condit on the titties. Condit throws a wild barrage with a minute left and doesn't connect on anything. Magny lands another takedown, and Condit gets about five seconds standing to do absolutely nothing before the round ends.

It's two 30-27s and one 29-28 for Magny. In the post-fight, Magny says he wants somebody ranked in the top five next. Yeah - that ain't happening.

Who will ever forget when Condit tried to go for a rare hair-styler lock on Magny?

Dooho Choi and Cub Swanson are in the crowd and nobody reacts. Like, at all. And hey, who wants to hear ANOTHER song from the Bright soundtrack? Hey, don't everybody raise their hands at once.

Time for an ad for UFC 3 - the PS4 game, not the MMA event from 1994. Obviously.

Women's Strawweight Bout
Cynthia Calvillo (6-0-0-0) vs. Carla Esparza (13-4-0-0)

Calvillo (it's pronounced COW-VEAL-YO, in case you were wondering) is undefeated as a pro fighter, with a spotless 3-0 record in the Octagon. Calvillo looks to chalk up her FIFTH professional win of 2017 when she goes toe-to-cameltoe with cagey veteran Carla Esparza, who was last seen decisioning Maryna Moroz back in June. Also, as a pure aside, holy hell, does Esparza look like that transchild from I Am Jazz. Go on ahead - just look at 'em side-by-side and tell me they ain't the spitting image of one 'nother.

Esparza comes out to "Bodies" by Drowning Pool, which is just about the tackiest, gaudiest and most outdated song anybody could come out to. Yet Calvillo somehow manages to do her one better by coming out to "Jump Around" by House of Pain. To quote Todd Flanders, "ow my freaking ears!"

Esparza also has this weird looking plastic ponytail holder in her hair. It looks like she's wearing a colander on her head - I'm kinda' surprised they let her take that shit with her into the Octagon. Both broads come out swinging and it's beautiful. Also, they look fucking identical from my vantage point, so this shit's gonna' be confusing as hell. Esparza with a good leg kick and they have another quick slug fest. Calvillo lands a takedown. She's in the full mount. She switches to side control. And yep, she hops back in the full mount. We've got some fierce vagina grinding going on now. Esparza's looking for an arm bar. And she loses it. Calvillo hops back into side control. Esparza lands some elbows to the noggin. Now Calvillo is pounding Esparza's kidneys with knees. Esparza goes for a no-armed triangle but she can't get it. Calvillo pounds the fuck out of Esparza, grabs her back, we've got a scramble and amazingly, Esparza ends the round on top and ALMOST ready to start raining down some hurting bombs.

Round two. Esparza lands flush with a right hand to begin. Calvillo fires back with a great counter right. Esparza with another good combo. Calvillo clips her. Esparza goes for a takedown and Calvillo knees her in the stomach. Esparza with another counter right. And Esparza gets another good combo. Esparza grapevines the leg and gets a takedown. Both women are back up. Esparza barely connects on a right. Esparza with another takedown but Calvillo is right back up. She shoots for one more takedown at the bell.

Round three. Esparza has a giant gash on her forehead. Calvillo lands a right. They bang again, but nobody comes away the clear winner. Calvillo crushes Esparza up against the cage. Calvillo gets a good right on the separation. Esparza with a dainty leg kick. And another one, except a little bit harder. Esparza connects on a Superwoman punch. Calvillo lands a left, and Esparza pummels her back with a right. Calvillo grabs Esparza's leg and shoots for a takedown. Esparza goes for a guillotine and pops Calvillo with another right. Esparza with another great combo. And Esparza lands yet another takedown. Calvillo pops right back up. And in the last ten seconds, Esparza just fucking unloads on Calvillo and it's fucking great.

It's 29-28 across the board to give Esparza the unanimous decision victory. In the post-fight, Esparza's tank top is spattered with blood. The fans start booing her halfway through her interview, but they cheer for her when she's finished her spiel. Well, that was weird.

Don't you just hate it when the other player picks the same character?

Demetrious Johnson gets NO reaction from the crowd. But everybody marks the fuck out for Mike Tyson, as they should.

Time for another music video from that damn Will Smith Netflix movie. Well, that's my cue to walk a puppy real quick.

Lightweight Bout
Dan Hooker (15-7-0-0) vs. Marc Diakiese (12-1-0-0)

Dan Hooker is pretty much the epitome of the modern day UFC journeyman. The guy's been in the promotion since 2014 and has had seven fights in the Octagon, but for the life of me I can't name a single one of them (indeed, I'm not even sure I'd be able to pick him out of a police line-up, for that matter.) Anyhoo, he gets to test his mettle against exciting Congolese up-and-comer Marc Diakiese, who hopes to rebound from his upset loss against Drakkar Klose earlier this year with a big win here tonight. Of all the fights on the PPV portion of the show, this one seems the most likely to produce a highlight reel knockout - of course, from which end said highlight reel knockout is gonna' come is anybody's guess.

Marc is basically the anorexic version of DADA 5000, right down to the bright red mohawk. Meanwhile, Dan Hooker is the most generic looking white guy of all time, and considering this is the same company that employs Daniel Kelly, that's saying something.

Marc has one of the weirdest stances I've ever seen, and I'm not limiting that to MMA. Both men keeping their distance. Hooker with some front kicks to keep Marc at range. Marc whiffs on an awesome-looking spin kick. I mean, that shit was Double Dragon caliber. Hooker with a leg kick. Marc goes for the spin kick again and Hooker almost catches his leg in mid-air. Marc is doing pirouettes now. Marc with a good kick to the body on a switch. Marc grabs Hooker's leg but he can't complete the takedown. We've got a mad scramble and Hooker lands a takedown. They clinch against the cage as the bell sounds.

Round two. Joe calls the audience "meat heads" for booing the last round. Marc with a leg kick and he's throwing loopy punches like crazy. He lands a big left hook on Hooker. Marc with another well-timed left. Hooker clinches Marc against the cage. Anik ask Cruz if he will name his next dog "underhook" and whether or not fighters can hear the fans boo in the cage during a fight. Hooker has Marc's back. He's got one hook in. Now he has a body triangle in. Hooker's eye is busted open. Marc starts stomping Hooker's leg with his free foot and the crowd is shitting all over this fight. The ref says he will stand 'em up unless they start doing something. Marc finally spins out and hops into the full guard with 15 seconds left. But that's not enough time to do shit.

Round three. Oh goddamn. Marc shoots for a takedown, Hooker grabs him, slaps a guillotine on him and makes his ass TAP!

The official time is just 42 seconds of round three. Hooker says he wants to fight at UFC 221 in Perth and he asks the crowd if they want to see him fight again so soon and everybody boos. Man, that was fucking fantastic.

Considering Eric Garner's daughter died earlier today, I think it's safe to say Hooker's decision to honor her by choking a black man unconscious was ill-conceived.

Time to pimp the co-main. Not that it takes too much to get the masses excited about this next one ...

Lightweight Bout
Khabib Nurmagomedov (24-0-0-0) vs. Edson Barboza (19-4-0-0)

It's been more than a year since we last saw Khabib, who absolutely THROTTLED Michael Johnson at UFC 205 in one of the most one-sided maulings you'll ever see in the Octagon. After pulling out of an Interim Lightweight Championship scrap with Tony Ferguson earlier this year, Nurmagomedov finally re-enters the cage to duke it out with battle-tested Edson Barboza, who is currently riding a three-fight winning streak in what is quite possibly the most talent-glutted division in all of MMA. Unless Conor McGregor makes a big announcement real soon, it's pretty much a lock that whoever wins this one will be taking on Tony Ferguson at some point in 2018 - the smart money's on Khabib, of course, but stellar upsets do seem to be quite the norm this time of year ...

Barboza comes out to some metal-sounding shit. Is it Sepultura? Or Killswitch Engage? Or, uh, Mudvayne? Man, metal sure does suck nowadays. Meanwhile, Khabib comes out to - like, Tatu or Enya or some shit like that. How very Fedor-esque of him. 

LOL at Motel 6 having a partnership with the UFC, complete with the cringey beyond words co-branded slogan "Ready to tap out? Stay in one of our rooms!" or whatever bullshit Bruce Buffer just said. Barboza gets a surprisingly loud pop from the crowd while Khabib gets a considerably more mixed reaction. Shit, Khabib's wife just had a baby this afternoon. Barboza wisely going for inside leg kicks. Barboza starting to back pedal. Khabib shoots for a takedown. And Barboza just barely escapes. Khabib chases him down, peppers him with a combo and a knee and trips Edgar. Khabib is in the full mount and he is just CLOBBERING Barboza. But to his credit, Barboza is hanging in there. Now the fans are chanting for Khabib. Khabib lands a HUGE punch in side control. Khabib is just pounding this motherfucker. Khabib in side control again, and he's punching the shit out of Barboza's spleen. Khabib briefly has a choke in, but he loses it and just punches the fuck out of Barboza from the full mount 'til the round ends.

Round two. Barboza's corner sounds like Apollo Creed's crew during the Ivan Drago fight in Rocky IV. Barboza's face is all fucked up. Khabib with a low kick and a high kick. Barboza lands a high kick. Khabib unleashes a bombardment of jabs. Khabib with a big kick and he works for a takedown against the cage. And we've got separation. Barboza lands a good combo. Khabib lands several rights and he gets another takedown. Khabib is in the full mount and Edson is FUCKED. Khabib is clobbering him with lefts. He's landed at least 20 unanswered shots now. And all Barboza can do is hang on for dear life until the bell sounds.

Round three. If this thing goes to the judges, Khabib might win 30-20 across the boards. Edson whiffs on a flying knee out the gate. Khabib with a great combo. Khabib shoots for a takedown. He almost has it. Khabib has a vice grip around Edson's waist. Jon Anik imagines what's going through Barboza's head. "I knew this guy was good, but goddamn!" Barboza is back to his feet. Khabib has LITERALLY landed 100 more strikes than Barboza so far. Edson lands a spinning kick to the head. OK, that made me jump out of my chair a little. And like that, Khabib says "fuck your dreams" and secures an easy takedown. Ninety seconds left. Barboza continues to eat punch after punch. Edson gets to his feet and lands a knee, but Khabib doesn't even bother selling it. And that's all she wrote, folks.

Khabib dons his trademark blonde afro thingy that I'm pretty sure has some sort of major sociopolitical meaning in Russia. The judges have it 30-25, 30-25 and 30-24 to give Khabib the unanimous decision victory.

In the post fight, Khabib says he wants either McGregor or Ferguson next and calls his trainer "a real Mexican gangster." But he says McGregor won't fight him until he runs out of money, which might be awhile. Anyhoo, after a performance THAT dominant, hey HAVE to do Khabib/Ferguson next. They just have to.

"And I shall call him ... Mini-Fedor."

Time to pimp UFC 220 and Stipe Miocic vs. Francis Ngannou. Lord knows I can't wait for that shit right there. Rogan calls it "the most compelling Heavyweight title fight of all-time," which - uh, might be a little hyperbolic.

And hell, why not one more ad for Bright before we move on to the main event ...

Women's Featherweight Championship Bout
Cris Cyborg (18-1-0-1) vs. Holly Holm (11-3-0-0)

This is it, fellas and fellas with vaginas - the biggest possible wimmens fight the UFC could put on while Ronda Rousey off doing whatever it is people do with Travis Browne (which, hopefully, isn't domestic abuse this time around.) After dismantling Tonya Evinger in what is likely the closest we'll ever get to a women's penitentiary rape in the UFC a few months back, Cyborg looks to notch up her biggest victory since destroying Gina Carano back in '09 when she locks elbows and assholes with one Holly Holm - the woman who shattered the aura of Ronda Rousey, lost three fights in a row and finally got back in the win column via a head kick finish of Bethe Correia in June. If you're looking for technique or athletic grace, forget it - this thing is basically gonna' be two hard ass hos swinging for the fences like junior high schoolers duking it out over who really loves Tyrone the 19-year-old high school dropout the most. Don't blink, folks - common sense dictates this one DEFINITELY won't last too long.

Anik says whoever wins this fight might just be "the greatest female MMA fighter of all-time." Hmm - that is very, very questionable. Holm comes out to some kinda' Scottish folk music and looking only slightly like Charlize Theron in Monster. Shit, she looks like she's about to start crying already. Cyborg gets the old Bill Goldberg-coming-out-of-the-locker room treatment, as she screams "HEY!" over and over again on her way to the cage. Shit - there's no way she pees sitting down. There's no damned way.

Per Bruce Buffer's recommendation, I do indeed have my UFC branded 7-Eleven Big Gulp cup nearby. Loud "HOLLY!" chants to begin. Cyborg goes for a kick, Holm grabs her luck and shucks her to the ground. Holm has a double hook and looks like she's working for a takedown. Nothing happening there. Cyborg with a leg kick. Holm stuns her with a heavy right. Cyborg with a high kick. Cyborg connects with a right. And another. Cyborg hits a leg kick and another hard right. Holm presses Cyborg against the fence. We have separation. Time for another cageside clinch. Holm lands a high kick, and Cyborg bops her back right at the bell.

Round two. Holm has some very bad swelling on her nose. Cyborg's leaking crimson from her nostrils, too. Cyborg lands a right. Cyborg with another good combo. Cyborg with a body kick. Holm whiffs on a high kick. There's a mad scramble and Holm holds Cyborg up against the fence. And back to the center of the ring we go. Holm lands a clean elbow shot on a break. Holm instigates another cageside clinch. Cyborg's breathing through her mouth now. Cyborg with more body kicks. Holm bullies Cyborg into the cage and eats a knee to the stomach and one more hard right before the bell sounds.

Round three. Cyborg with a high kick. Holm has a big swelling under her eye. Cyborg whiffs on another high kick attempt. Cyborg with a knee to the stomach in the clinch. Cyborg with an uppercut and a decent one-two combo. Holm whiffs on a high kick. Cyborg with a counter hook and a knee. Holm whiffs on yet another kick. Holm lands a right but can't connect on the follow-up high kick. Cyborg with a well timed knee to the titty. Cyborg officially has twice as many strikes landed as Holm. Holm throwing hook kicks but nothing's landing. Holm goes for a high kick, but Cyborg grabs her leg and pushes her into the fence. Cyborg lands a hard right, a Superwoman punch and UNLOADS on Holm as the round expires.

Round four. FUCK, HALF OF HOLM'S FACE LOOKS LIKE SLOTH FROM THE GOONIES. Cyborg lands a quick right and a body kick. Cyborg lands her best head kick of the fight, and Holm lands a one-two combo in riposte. Holm still throwing desperate high kicks. And Cyborg ALMOST connects on a head kick of her own. Cyborg chases Holm down. One minute to go. Holm connects on a good combo, but Cyborg retaliates with an even better jab. Cyborg feigns a Superwoman punch as the bell sounds.

Round five. Yeah, Holm HAS to finish Cyborg over the next five minutes to win this fight. Holm opens with a body kick. Holm with a flurry of leg kicks and Cyborg throws an elbow. Cageside clinch time. Holm reverses position. Cyborg explodes with a jab and a body kick. Holm with a good combo and a solid high kick. Cyborg with a left and another kick to the body. Cyborg lands another right, and another leg kick. Cyborg lands another hard right. Ninety seconds left. Cyborg with another great combination. Holm with a desperation combo. Cyborg with another heavy right. Holm clinches Cyborg against the fence. Cyborg lands several knees after the separation and that's the fight, folks.

Alright, let's go to the judges' scorecards. It's 49-46, 48-47 and 48-47 to give Cyborg the unanimous decision victory.

Good lord, Cyborg's lips are humongous. In the post-fight, Cyborg says she would like to fight Megan Anderson in Australia, because if you have to fight Megan Anderson, fuck, it might as well be in Australia.

There's definitely a lot to talk about in the wake of this show's fallout. But I'm kinda' sleepy, so I reckon I'll just wait until tomorrow to tell you what's on my mind. Alright kids - check this site first thing in the morning and I'll have some more MMA musings ready for 'ya.

And it was around this point that Herb Dean began second guessing his plans for a threesome.

Wait, did I say "first thing in the morning?" I actually meant to say "damn near 24 hours after the fact." Regardless, I promised you some post-show thoughts, and better late than never, right?

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Unless the UFC can find a way to set up Cyborg vs. Rousey (or maybe even Cyborg vs. a male competitor), pretty much the only option left on the table is to book Cris against Megan Anderson. Amanda Nunes seems like a long-shot as a back up, but at this point, who the fuck CAN you put in the Octagon with Cyborg who doesn't have a penis and expect a competitive match-up? As for Holly Holm, a drop back to bantamweight seems like the only appropriate move; why not book her against Valentina Shevchenko in a no. 1 contender bout for Amanda Nunes' title? Of course, we'd all like to see Khabib vs. McGregor, but having Khabib vs. Tony Ferguson as plan B ain't a bad plum to pick, neither. Call me crazy, but I'd really enjoy seeing Dan Hooker go toe-to-toe with Edson Barboza in their respective follow-up bouts. Either Jessica Andrade or Claudia Gadelha would be great opponents for Carla Esparza in the wake of her victory over Cynthia Cavillo - speaking of whom, should probably be booked against either Tecia Torres or Karolina Kowalkiewicz in her next outing. And lastly, after besting Carlos Condit, Neil Magny probably deserves a fight against a legit top ten Welterweight - so who better for his next opponent than Darren Till or Jorge Masvidal? Meanwhile, Condit can try to hop back in the win column against a reliable divisional gatekeeper - I'd pick either Yancy Medieros or Dong Hyun Kim.

THE VERDICT: Compared to UFC 218 and UFC 217, this was a pretty underwhelming card. None of the fights were all that exciting, or even that competitive, for that matter. The main-event and co-main were practically extended squash matches, and the three bouts before that hardly felt like anything worth spending money on. Still, it was fun watching Cyborg and Khabib totally dominate motherfuckers, and as bad as the Hooker/Diakiese fight was overall, at least you had a pretty hilarious finish with Marc literally stumbling into a choke hold. 

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Watching Khabib bang on Barboza like a community gong for three rounds was all shades of incredible.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: The first two rounds of Hooker/Diakiese were about as much fun as watching grass dry.

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: "If she gets on top of you, you're in a terrible place." - Joe Rogan on Cris Cyborg's striking from the full mount ... although I'm pretty sure that line would be applicable to plenty of other things, too.


  • If every time you try to kick a guy he grabs your leg and immediately shucks you to the ground, you know, maybe it's not the best idea to keep trying to kick him.
  • Not only are UFC fighters allowed to wear metal hair clip scrunchies in the cage, apparently, it makes them better fighters.
  • If you're going to tackle a motherfucker, try not to aim your carotid arteries right towards his arms while he's making a guillotine choke motion
  • It doesn't matter how great your leg kicks are - they don't mean shit when your opponent is just going to drag you to the ground and beat the shit out of you for 15 minutes straight.
  • Nope - screaming right before you throw a combo doesn't do anything to improve your accuracy.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "Toes Across The Floor" by Blind Melon and "Four Leaf Clover" by Abra Moore and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 16 - HOLIDAY HAIKU EDITION!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X

This Week's Episode:
"俳句, You Motherfuckers!"


Philadelphia Eagles (13-2)
Season Point Differential: +168

Eagles flying high
With home field throughout playoffs
But will Nick Foles choke?

New England Patriots (12-3)
Season Point Differential: +142

With just one more win
The Pats will get first round bye
Tom Brady - M-V-P?

Minnesota Vikings (12-3)
Season Point Differential: +117

Who would've ever thunk
The Vikes would dominate with
Keenum and Murray?

Pittsburgh Steelers (12-3)
Season Point Differential: +94

In the postseason
The Steelers will receive a bye
Before Pats' kick ass? 

Los Angeles Rams (11-4)
Season Point Differential: +170

With great running game,
Rams could be on S.B. run,
But L.A. don't care 

New Orleans Saints (11-4)
Season Point Differential: +129

Saints are playing well,
Both on offense and defense
But those penalties ... 

Carolina Panthers (11-4)
Season Point Differential: +48

It's all on Newton
If Cam plays well? Title game
If not? One and done

Jacksonville Jaguars (10-5)
Season Point Differential: +154

No doubts about the D
But the Jags' O is suspect
Pray for some turnovers

Come on - if he was a REAL Raiders' fan, you know he would've slapped her upside the head with a drumstick and powerbombed her through the table for flapping her gums too damned much.


Baltimore Ravens (9-6)
Season Point Differential: +96

One more victory
And the Ravens are in it
But just for how long?

Kansas City Chiefs (9-6)
Season Point Differential: +73

K.C. won the West
And have home field at least once
Before Reid fucks up

Seattle Seahawks (9-6)
Season Point Differential: +36

Seahawks must beat Cards
And Falcons must lose Sunday
For sixth playoffs spot

Atlanta Falcons (9-6)
Season Point Differential: +26

Win over Panthers,
And Falcons are seeded sixth
... and destined to lose?

Los Angeles Chargers (8-7)
Season Point Differential: +63

The Chargers are in
As long as they win Sunday
And the Titans lose

Dallas Cowboys (8-7)
Season Point Differential: +16

Ezekiel E.
Returns to Cowboys' roster!

Detroit Lions (8-7)
Season Point Differential: +10

No playoffs this year
But give Matt Stafford props
For polishing turds

Tennessee Titans (8-7)
Season Point Differential: -27

Win Sunday, they're in
Or if Chargers, Bills shit bed
Which they likely will

Fun fact: it's considered customary for Bills' fans to slam their others of significance through furniture as sacrifices to the Gods of the Gridiron. And you assholes have the gall to call Southerners "white trash!"


Buffalo Bills (8-7)
Season Point Differential: -63

Bills must win for berth, 
And at least two teams must lose
 Yep, Buffalo's fucked

Washington Redskins (7-8)
Season Point Differential: -38

The big question now
Is if Cousins will return

Green Bay Packers (7-8)
Season Point Differential: -40

No playoffs this year
At least there's one positive:
Rodgers is healthy

Arizona Cardinals (7-8)
Season Point Differential: -68

Time for new Q.B.
Down there in Glendale's desert
Uh, Luke Falk, maybe?

Oakland Raiders (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -52

So many dropped balls
No secondary

Cincinnati Bengals (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -63

The season highlight
Well, what else is new?

Miami Dolphins (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -106

Cutler surprised some
By not totally sucking
Still, cut his old ass

Chicago Bears (5-10)
Season Point Differential: -43

Mitch the Bitch? He sucked
But Jordan Howard looked great
Ten year rebuild now?

If he REALLY wanted to pay tribute to the Browns, he would've immediately fumbled his balls.


New York Jets (5-10)
Season Point Differential: -64

Still a dumpster fire
But things could surely be worse
They might be Giants

San Francisco 49ers (5-10)
Season Point Differential: -73

Don't look now, readers
But they've won four in a row
Next year's Western champs?

Denver Broncos (5-10)
Season Point Differential: -90

The defense is great
But this offense is pure shit
Think Lynch will fix it?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-11)
Season Point Differential: -54

A disappointment
What else can you call this team?
Well, besides "last place"

Houston Texans (4-11)
Season Point Differential: -89

With DeShaun healthy,
They could have won division
Better luck next year?

Indianapolis Colts (3-12)
Season Point Differential: -150

Whisker Biscuit tried
But there's no hope with this squad
No luck without Luck

New York Giants (2-13)
Season Point Differential: -150

The last time New York
Witnessed something this awful
Was 9/11

Cleveland Browns (0-15)
Season Point Differential: -172

Well, they're on the verge
"The Worst Team in History"