Sunday, February 25, 2018

The IIIA 2018 State of The Union Address Report!

Missed Trump's inaugural SOTU address (or just so damned lazy it's taken you almost three months to look into it?) No worries - the first ever IIIA guest article fills you in all the details ...

By: Alex Steele

Hola, amigos - it's your  proprietor of The Internet Is In America, Jimbo X. As you've probably noticed, I haven't been updating the site as regularly as of late. Long story short, it's because I'm one busy motherfucker and between working 12 hours a day, six days a week, taking care of my puppy and trying to keep my significant other sexually satisfied (all while still finding the time to do basic human functions like sleep, shower and cram Reese's cups down my throat at 11:34 at night as my first meal of the day), I simply don't have the time nor the impetus to spend a good two or three hours a day waxing philosophically on such grave topics as the BonziBuddy and Little Debbie's arsenal of L-T-O Easter products from five years ago.

Of course, I still plan on writing for the site, but for the foreseeable future, expect my posts to be a little sparser, a little shorter and a little less frequent. And since I can't run the site full-time anymore, I decided to do the most democratic thing I could - I'm turning the reins over to you, the people.

That's right - today, I'm proud to announce, formally, the launch of THE INTERNET IS IN AMERICA WRITERS APPRENTICESHIP PROGRAM. It's real simple, kids. All you have to do is send me an email to this here address, let me know what you want to write about (or already have written about), and as long as it's a.) funny, b.) entertaining and c.) not stark-raving agitprop, odds are I'll probably publish it.

Now, I ain't paying any of you assholes, so don't even think about trying to bilk my out of my money. But what I WILL promise you, however, is that your shit will get published, it'll get promoted and you'll get a full byline and everything to accompany your article, complete with complementary plugs to your websites or social media profiles or whatever the hell else you people are doing on the Internet nowadays. And for no extra cost, your kindly Jimbo X - a ten-year professional writer with a wealth of journalism and P.R. experience, by the way - will teach you the tricks of the trade, and maybe even give you a recommendation when a "real" website comes a lookin' to procure your services.

In fact, we've already got one reader turned writer aboard - one Alex Steele, who recently sent along the following article highlighting the ups and downs of President Donald Trump's first State of the Union address. Without further ado, Let's take a gander at what "The Condor" has to say about POTUS' SOTUA, why don't we?

Every start of the year, the President of the United States meets with both houses of Congress to discuss where we’ve been as a country, and where we’re going as a country. This, of course, is the State of the Union address. This year, I wanted to simply watch the speech and write down my thoughts as it happened. And so, presented to you in the bullet points below, are my cliffs notes, taken down LIVE as Trump spoke to both houses. (It was fairly simple to keep up in between the massive amounts of clapping after almost EVERY PAUSE; historically, a recurring annoyance during this speech.)

- One of the first people I see walking in tonight is former WWE CEO Linda McMahon. Let’s hope she doesn’t break a hip (or a castor) getting to her seat.

- Mostly curious to hear about Trump’s comments on immigration, the economy and what’s on the horizon.

- Who can forget the time he shaved Mr. McMahon bald in Detroit at WrestleMania 23? I was live to witness the proceedings.

- Trump not getting as much applause as Obama; Congress is split so far down the middle on the DACA issue (and many others, quite frankly) that it’s like the Grand Canyon.

- Taking bets on whether or not the word “shithole” comes up during tonight’s speech.

- The coif is looking good tonight; props on the makeup department.

- It always amazes me how these guys in Congress clap so damn much when, deep down, we all know at least one of them wants to do a run-in with a steel chair.

- Wearing black to show unity for victims of sexual assault; my stomach just churned.

- Paul Ryan starts to say “prevented”, but then corrects himself; gonna chalk that up as a goof, nothing more. Y’all take that for what it’s worth.

- Swift action already taken during the first months of the Administration; can’t argue with him there.

- Stand and applause; duck-face.

- Mentions of Hurricane Harvey, the Las Vegas Shooting; veteran in the house tonight, one of the first responders during Harvey.

- Firefighter David Dolberg gets a shout-out for his efforts fighting the California wildfires.

- Now, what are you boneheads gonna do to make sure first responders like Ashley and David continue to get paid?

- Congressman Steve Scalise from Louisiana took a bullet and came back to work 3 months later; I would’ve filed for workman’s comp.

- “I think they like you, Steve.” Trump’s attempt at a quick joke. No problem here.

- Trump seeking Dems and Reps to come together not only in times of tragedy, but here and now ... good luck.

- Nancy Pelosi stone-faced and not clapping at all. Good to know where her loyalties lie.

- The state of our union is strong because our people are maybe THEY should start running things.

- 2.4 million new jobs created (OK, what kinds of jobs, and where?)

- 200,000 new jobs in manufacturing alone (again, where?)

- Rising wages after years as stagnation.

- Unemployment claims have hit a 45 year low.

- Black unemployment is the lowest ever recorded.

- Mexican unemployment have also reached the lowest levels in history.

- So what about all the homeless people?

- Small business confidence is as high as ever (and I wonder how Linda McMahon is involved?)

- Propping himself for the big tax reform bill passed before the start of the year ... gotta' admit, I’m kinda stunned they did WHY can’t they figure out immigration?!

- Standard deduction doubled for everyone.

- $24,000 earned by a married couple is tax-free.

- Doubled child tax credit.

- $2,000 less for $75K yearly salary cuts tax bill in half……..maybe I’m not that good at math, but I can’t see it.

But the best part was when he leapt off the balcony and conked John McCain over the head like he was New Jack or something.

- Individual mandate for health insurance gone from Obamacare.

- Bernie Sanders is also stone-faced; somehow, socialism still seems to be the answer.

- $4,000 increase a year is pretty good if you want something to hold your dick with...I’ll have to do some research

- Must be hard being the only black man within a two-mile radius; he seems unfazed.

- $350 billion to be invested by Apple in America, and more workers to be hired.

- More duck face.

- Exxon Mobil $50 billion investment; maybe to finish cleaning off the Alaska coastline?

- If you work hard, and believe in yourself, you can dream anything, and be anything ... lot of people have said that over the years, but many people still work hard for nothing.

- We all share the same American flag ... you mean the one that some people try to burn in front of veterans in this country?

- Faith and family, not government and bureaucracy, are the center of America ... I beg to differ.

- Shout out to police and veterans, who deserve our support ... SO PUT THE AMVETS AD IN THE SUPER BOWL!

- Preston Sharp noticed veterans' graves were not adorned with American flags ... I didn’t know that was supposed to be standard protocol. Who was sleeping at the wheel?

- He’s sitting RIGHT NEXT to Melania … nope, not gonna make that joke.

- Stand for the National Anthem; shots fired on the NFL and the protesters.

- HALF of Congress remained seated during that wide pan ... holy shit.

- And ANOTHER wide pan with a 50/50 stand/sit ratio.

- OK, there’s more clapping going on than I care for at this point; it’s starting to get old.

- 1,500 people lost their jobs for being shitty to our veterans, gonna hire better ones; that’s pretty scary; so, what does it mean to fail, exactly?

- Remove federal employees that undermine trust ... maybe they’re getting behind removing Trump?

- Regulation rollback ... the last time that happened, Bush Jr. and friends put the economy in the shitter.

- There was a war on American energy and coal? Must have missed the memo.

- Chrysler is moving back to Michigan and Toyota and Mazda are opening plants in Alabama ... so there will be opportunities abound to steal resources for Alabama’s many trailers.

- Bets on whose knees blow out first by standing and sitting so much, being taken now!

- Terminally ill people need access to experimental treatments immediately; OK, but how are you gonna do it?

- Reduce the price of prescription drugs; gooooood luck with that shit, holmes.

- Stabenow stands up; guess Dems want to lower drug prices, too (HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)

- Carmella apparently knocked out the ref when trying to cash in her WMITB contract; somehow, this is more important than what’s happening in real life (it’s certainly more interesting, admittedly.)

- At least Sanders seems to agree with Trump’s desire to get people out of poverty; he just wants to share wealth with everyone.

- Open vocational schools!

- Support paid family leave...don’t they already do this with the FMLA?

- Now we get to the good shit...immigration; let’s see where this goes.

- Families of slain girls, murdered by illegals, are here tonight.

- MS-13 gang called out by name.

- Full house stands for the victims; all right, all right, but what will Dems response be in regards to DACA?

The ultimate liberal dilemma - when clapping for black people means also condemning the actions of illegal immigrants.

- 320 million hearts are breaking; last I checked, we had a hell of a lot more people in America.

- Trump claims his new legislation will ensure this will never happen again ... I highly doubt it.

- I want our American kids to grow up and do great things ... so get them damn Mexicans out of our country!

- Americans are "Dreamers," too! SHOTS FIRED!

- Thousands of MS-13 gang members have either been deported ... or are being fed three square meals in our fabulous prisons.

- Trump urging Congress to send CJ reinforcements.

- Four pillars: path to citizenship for 1.8 million illegals brought to America as children to become citizens over a 12 year period.

- Fully secures the border (Gonna' build the wall? And get the Mexicans to pay for it?)

- Close loopholes, and ends program of catch and release (horrible, dangerous practice.)

- Ends the visa lottery; not too many people happy about that.

- Merit-based immigration system; skilled, who want to work, and contribute to society.

- End chain-migration; a single immigrant can bring in distant relatives (boos and hisses); focus on immediate family (spouses and minor children.)

- Get the job done! And more duck face.

- Much tougher on drug dealers and pushers to curb the opioid epidemic (does that mean the crooked doctors, too?!)

- End dangerous defense sequester; otherwise known as keeping the government open.

- ISIS on its heels; apparently he, too, disagreed with the Ted Cruz approach, and thank God for that.

- Justin Peck is a goddamn hero; let’s hope he don’t have any skeletons in the closet!

- Terrorists are UNLAWFUL ENEMY COMBATANTS. Don’t quite remember Obama making that claim.

- He’s keeping Guantanamo Bay open; not sure what to think about that, since Obama wanted it closed.

- We no longer tell our enemies our plans ... so that shit was happening before?!

- Jerusalem is recognized as the capital of Israel.

- Tough sanctions on Cuba and Venezuela.

- And now we’re on to North Korea.

- Story about that one dumbass that got arrested in North Korea; I don’t feel sorry for Otto; he should have known that those people don’t fuck around.

- Story of the North Korean defector; you know he’s shitting his pants knowing Kim Jong Un is watching and plotting his revenge.

- Light up the entire world? I wouldn’t have used that phrase ...

- USA chants breaking out! But some dude walked out ... communist.

- Overall, I think he did a good job; surprising to hear he has one of the lowest approval ratings of any president in his first year; I wonder who’s to blame for that?

- No mention of the Russia investigation or the memo; he’s supposed to release the memoas soon as his speech is done.

- Let’s just keep following his Twitter ... THERE’S the real source of truth! *eye roll*

1 comment:

  1. Thanks again for your help! I'll get an actual article penned (typed?) and get it submitted.


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