Saturday, February 9, 2019

The First Annual Internet Is In America Movie Awards!

Forget the Oscars … the Golden Jimbos are the only cinematic celebration anybody ought to care about.

By: Jimbo X

We all know the Academy has been going downhill for a couple of years now, but I think it’s safe to assume that 2019’s award season represents the figurative “jump the shark” point-of-no-return for the Oscars’ credibility.

While the AAMPAS has always had pretty shit taste, it hasn’t been until recently that they stopped making their award selections based on objective, empirical quality and instead based their nominations solely on identitarian political demands. I joked a few years ago that AA no longer stands for Academy Awards but affirmative action, yet a mere two or so years later the pendulum has already swung a couple of rotations ahead to being an unabashed pander-a-thon to aggrieved minoritarians. The 2019 slate of Oscar nods are far from being the best made, best acted, best shot, best filmed or best written movies of the year — rather, they are solely included to placate some entitled ideological viewing bloc, whom otherwise would have no interest in Academy’s annual meat market self-fellatio contest.

To appease the gay lobby you’ve got Bohemian Rhapsody, a film that even critics hated for not being “gay enough” for their liking (that the movie was also directed by a man with a long string of child molestation allegations, apparently, is a mere aside.) To appease the Hispanic lobby you’ve got Roma, a movie so bland and uninspired that people aren’t even watching it for free on Netflix. And to appease the coveted black viewer demographic, there’s no less than three Afro-centric Best Picture candidates, including Black Panther — by all objective criteria, quite possibly the single worst film in history ever considered for the distinction, and considering Get Out was nominated last year, that’s certainly saying something. That leaves a formulaic musical remake, a generic British period piece and a shitty hatchet job on Dick Cheney (that again, critics hated and nobody went to see in theaters) as the relatively “apolitical” contenders for Best Picture honors … I don’t think it’s a stretch to say, dollar for dollar, this is the absolute worst crop of “Best Picture” nominees in the 91-year history of the awards ceremony.

Which raises the question: at this point, knee-deep in the heyday of Web 2.0, why should we rely on an archaic, outmoded, 20th century construct like the Oscars to tell us what’s good and what ain’t when it comes to cinema, anyway? Hence, why I’ve taken it upon myself to give the masses a movie awards program they can actually trust, for a goddamn change — the first annual Internet Is In America Movie Awards, or as the commoners are destined to one day call them, The Jimbos.

Of course, being the enlightened and intellectual members of the American prole we are, we here at IIIA decided to come up with our own award categories, to better reflect the aspects of filmmaking the hoi polloi actually gives a shit about. Yes, there are still awards celebrating acting, directing and writing, but we’re also giving flicks some long overdue respect for equally important cinematic merits, like best karate, scene most likely to make viewers vomit and, of course, an award set aside specifically for the finest example of a female thespian popping her top and showing the world at large her endowments, if you catch my drift and I hope you do.

Alright, enough jibber-jabber. Get your cumberbunds and tuxedos on quick, folks … it’s time to TRULY celebrate the best the movie industry had to offer us in 2018, as the First Annual Internet Is In America Movie Awards officially commences!

...and to think, his last role before this one was voicing a cartoon character in Chinese propaganda about rock and roll-playing dogs.

Best Movie Villain

The Nominees

— Josh Brolin as Thanos in Avengers: Infinity War, for his performance as a grape-colored outer space Hitler that wants to kill half of everything in the known universe.

— The eponymous Vampire Clay from Vampire Clay, for doing the world a huge favor and eating a whole bunch of underachieving Japanese art school students.

— Edoardo Pesce as Simon in Dogman, for his portrayal of a coke-snorting Italian meathead that likes to beat up video poker machines for no discernible reason whatsoever.

— Richard Tyson as Tyrell in Death Kiss, for his performance as a meth-dealing goon who says the “N”-word a lot and gets his jollies making underlings beat their own fathers to death with baseball bats.

And the Winner is ...

Matt Dillon as Jack in The House The Jack Built, for turning in arguably the greatest depiction of a psycho-killer architect with OCD in cinema history.

Best B-Movie

The Nominees

Death Kiss, for being the greatest movie ever made about a Chuck Bronson look-alike punching oxycontin addicts in the stomach and getting into junkyard shootouts with Crisp from Kindergarten Cop.

Mom and Dad, for being the year’s best comedy about a tele-zombie invasion making parents murder their offspring en masse.

Vampire Clay, for being the only movie of the year to prominently feature murderous Play-Doh as its lead antagonist.

I Think We’re Alone Now, for being an entertaining movie even though literally half of it is just Peter Dinklage cleaning out people’s refrigerators.

And the Winner is …

Kickboxer: Retaliation, simply for being the movie that gave us the Jean Claude Van Damme vs. Mike Tyson cinematic clash we’ve been dreaming about for decades.

Best Foreign Language Film

The Nominees

Dogman, the best Italian movie of the year about an aspiring dog groomer getting framed for insurance fraud and then strangling a dude to death and setting his body on fire in the middle of a vacant lot.

Vampire Clay, 2018’s finest flick about blood-drinking modeling clay trying to take over the world.

One Cut of the Dead, a movie about this Japanese movie crew making a movie about this Japanese movie crew trying to make a zombie movie only for a real zombie outbreak to ruin their shoot.

2.0, the best big budget Bollywood blockbuster about an Elvis-impersonator robot superhero fighting an outer space megalomaniac stealing everybody’s cell phones so he can harness entropy to resurrect the dead (or something like that) of 2018.

And the Winner is …

Climax, inarguably the greatest musical of the year about Parisian interpretive dancers getting high on acid and trying to set each other on fire.

Best Animated Movie

The Nominees

Wreck-It Ralph 2, for being the closest we’ll probably ever get to a Saint’s Row CGI musical.

Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse, for giving us the long-awaited theatrical debut of Peter Porker, Spider-Ham.

Teen Titans GO! To The Movies, for making fun of literally EVERY single D.C. Comics property ever (including the Challengers of the Unknown, for Chrissakes.)

I Want To Eat Your Pancreas, one of them anime movies from Japan that I haven’t seen but gonna’ include in the awards ceremony anyway for its title alone.

And the Winner is …

The Incredibles 2, which isn’t just the best cartoon of the year, but lowkey the best superhero movie of 2018, too.

Most  Overrated Movie

The Nominees

— A Star Is Born, the first musical ever made exclusively for the deaf.

— Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, because Hollywood thought the one thing keeping the franchise from achieving true greatness, apparently, was an injection of incessant identity politics.

— Crazy Rich Asians, the movie that showed us that the romantic comedies about vain, smarmy, neurotic Chinese people can be every bit as boring as the ones about white people.

— Roma, the movie that desperately, direly tries to convince the masses Mexicans invented neorealism a mere 75 years after the Italians.

And the Winner is …

Black Panther, a movie that had the exact same plot, dialogue and structure of Ant Man, Suicide Squad and Aquaman but is getting an Oscar nod anyway because most of the cast is black. Hell, if Blade came out today, they’d probably have given it a Nobel Peace Prize or something.

Most Boner-Inducing Movie

The Nominees

Red Sparrow, for the scene where Jennifer Lawrence gets buck nekkid and tries to get a rapist to have at her right there in the middle of a Russian spy sex class.

Slay Belles, for the part where the three “urban explorer” hoochies pop their tops so they can squeeze into ultra tight elf costumes.

A Simple Favor, for the scene where Anna Kendrick and Blake Lively all-too-briefly swap spit.

London Fields, for all the parts in it where Amber Heard showed off her ta-tas.

And the Winner is …

Yep ... it's all in the same movie, folks!

Most Underrated Movie

The Nominees

— Crown and Anchor, Canada’s best coming-of-age/tragicomedy/crime caper with a virtually all-1980s straight edge punk soundtrack of 2018.

— Let The Corpses Tan, the year’s finest neo-Spaghetti Western, even if the French did make it.

— Action Point, one of the few big budget Hollywood studio comedies of the year that was actually funny.

— Utoya: July 22, a Norwegian-made dramatization of Anders Breivik's 2011 killing spree that’s 100 times better (and more unnerving) than the one Paul Greengrass made for Netflix.

And the Winner is …

Uncle Drew, in which Kyrie Irving, Chris Webber and Nate Robinson prove they have better comedic timing thant a good 90 percent of the “legit” comedy actors in Hollywood these days — give it a couple of years and this one’s destined to be a cult classic.

Best Documentary

The Nominees

— The Perfect Bid, about this one guy who memorizes the prices of everything on The Price is Right and makes Drew Carey unhappy on national television.

— Hillbilly, probably the only documentary you’ll ever see that actually tries to stand up for poor white people in the foothills of Appalachia.

— The Allins: All in the Family, which is basically a TLC reality show pilot starring the surviving members of pukola punk rocker GG Allin’s brood.

— Andre the Giant, HBO’s sweeping biopic that’s worth a nod simply for the part where old ‘rasslers talk about how bad his farts smelled alone.

And the Winner is …

To Hell and Back: The Kane Hodder Story, for showing us how this one Pacific Islander kid got bullied, nearly incinerated by a fire stunt gone awry and went on to become the most iconic psycho killer in movie history (and no bullshit, it probably will make you cry for real when he revisits the burn clinic he was treated at after his proverbial chestnuts got roasted real good.)

Worst Film of the Year

The Nominees

— Hellfest, a crappy, formulaic slasher whose entire budget appears to have been about $15 spent on glow-in-the-dark paint.

— Midnighters, a poorly-acted psychological thriller with more needless plot twists than the entire M. Night Shyamalan filmography.

— Living Among Us, a found-footage shlocker about suburban vampires so dull, they even find a way to make nude cannibal sacrifices boring.

— He’s Out There, the heartwarming story of a psycho killer who, uh, leaves cupcakes out in the middle of the woods, for no discernible reason whatsoever.

And the Winner is …

Corbin Nash, a poor man’s Van Helsing starring Corey Feldman as a crossdressing vampiress and Malcolm McDowell, who doesn’t really do anything over the course of 90 minutes and apparently really needed the money.

Best Soundtrack

The Nominees

— Crown and Anchor, for featuring Gorilla Biscuits, Youth of Today and and Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers in a movie that came out in the year 2018.

— Death Kiss, for its groovy techno-wobbly dark-synth score that’s atmospheric AF.

— Slay Belles, for the sheer audacity of having an all dubstep score a good five years after everybody stopped giving a shit about Skrillex.

— Climax, for being a Euro-trash dance-off greatest hits compilation with the sounds of people getting stabbed in the background.

And the Winner is …

Teen Titans GO! To The Movies, for including what is unironically the best original song of the year — an impossibly catchy duet between Robin and an elephant voiced by Michael Bolton, of all things.

Best Special Effects

The Nominees

The House That Jack Built, for giving us some of the most realistic breast-slicing gore since Dr. Butcher, M.D..

Death House, for the part when the bloody-skinned chicken nugget Hellraiser ripoff zombies start eating everybody.

Slay Belles, for having a Krampus monster that looked WAY better than it had any right to be in a movie that probably only cost about $45 to make.

A Quiet Place, for giving us the greatest Stevie Wonder, bajillion-teethed blooming-onion-headed CGI monsters in film history.

And the Winner is …

Hereditary, for giving us full on immolations and child decapitations and not pulling away from the action even if it is a mainstream popcorn horror flick.

It's scientific fact — having Mike Tyson show up out of nowhere for an unsanctioned MMA fight makes EVERY movie ten times better.

Best Fu

The Nominees

Ghostland, for the opening sequence where Mylene Farmer stabs the living shit out of a whole buncha’ home invaders.

Death Kiss, for the grand finale where Chuck Bronson imitator Robert Kovacs ties big bad Richard Tyson to a tree, covers him in BBQ sauce and sics a kodiak on him.

Mom and Dad, for the scene where Nicholas Cage and Lance Henriksen try to strangle each other to death.

Dogman, for the denouement where 120-pound Marcello Fonte uses a crowbar and a chain pulley to level the playing field against coke-snorting testosterone factory Edoardo Pesce.

And The Winner is …

Kickboxer: Retaliation, for the concluding muay thai battle to the death between Alain Moussi — the greatest Gabonese BJJ black belt stuntman on the planet — and Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson, a.k.a. The Goddamn Mountain from Game of Thrones.

Best Gross-out Scene

The House That Jack Built, for the part where Matt Dillon carves Riley Keough's breast off and makes a wallet out of it.

Ghostland, for the scene where a 400-pound retard grabs a teenage girl, yanks her upside down and starts sniffing her.

Corbin Nash, for the scene where Corey Feldman, in drag, performs oral sex on a castmate.

Hereditary, for the scene where an eight-year-old gets her head knocked off by a telephone pole and they spend a good 30 seconds showing you ants crawling all over her corpse.

And the Winner is …

A Star is Born, for the stomach-churning sequence where Bradley Cooper rubs cake down the length of Lady Gaga’s nose. And since it’s Lady Gaga, such grotesque foreplay takes approximately two and half hours.

Personally, I could've used a couple of more running scenes, but that's just me.

Best Supported Actress

The Nominees

— Amber Heard for her performance as Nicola Six in London Fields, who easily spends half the movie showing off her colossal cleavage.

— Jennifer Lawrence for her performance as Dominika Egorova in Red Sparrow, especially the full-frontal “do me hard for Mother Russia” sequence in front of her classmates.

— Riley Keough for her performance as “Simple” in The House Jack Built, for having the chutzpah to not only show us her breasts, but show us her breasts getting carved off.

— Alexandra Schmidt for her performance as Sandra in Agony, for having a bodacious set of knockers and being a good sport about getting butchered on camera and whatnot.

And the Winner is …

Susan Slaughter for her performance as Dahlia in Slay Belles, for really knowing how to make our spirits rise, so to speak, when she breaks out those double D gollywhoppers before changing into her elf suit.

Best Actress

The Nominees

— Sofia Boutella as Selva in Climax, for putting on a blonde wig and dancing like she’s Stretch Armstrong having an epileptic seizure.

— Mylene Farmer as Pauline in Ghostland, the redheaded, chain-smoking super MILF that’s literally the only good thing about the movie.

— Rachel Weisz as Ronit Krushka in Disobedience, for cucking her rabbi husband so she can have an affair with Regina George from Mean Girls.

— Amber Heard as Nicola Six in London Fields, who makes up for the fact she can’t act by finding unique ways to emphasize her chesticles in just about every scene in the movie.

And the Winner is …

Jennifer Lawrence as Dominika Egorova in Red Sparrow, for getting nekkid and showing us her goods without anybody having to hack her iCloud for a change.

Best Actor

The Nominees

— Alain Moussi as Kurt Sloane in Kickboxer: Retaliation, the Gabonese-born kung-fu submission specialist who gets taught inner peace by Mike Tyson and how to fistfight an eight-foot-tall steroid monster to death by a blind Jean Claude Van-Damme.

— Robert “Bronzi” Kovacs as The Stranger in Death Kiss, the Charles Bronson look-a-like that fights meth dealers, steals their money and gives it to the mother of a little girl he accidentally paralyzed in a shootout with crackhead a couple of years back.

— Marcello Fonte as Marcello in Dogman, the Italian dog-groomer who’s forced to sell cocaine on the inside because the town bully keeps putting him in headlocks and threatening to give him noogies.

— Nicholas Cage as Brent Ryan in Mom and Dad, mostly for the scene where he goes crazy and kills a perfectly good billiards table for no inexplicable reason.

And the Winner is …

Matt Dillion as Jack in The House That Jack Built, the single greatest portrayal of a psycho-mass-murderer since Michael Rooker in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer.

Best Writer

The Nominees

— Dennis Hefter, for coming up with the lines “life is not all Coke and pussy” and “water’s free, this ain’t Flint” in Army and Coop.

— Wayne Harry Johnson, for writing “her name was Elsa. After every game, she’d come onto the ice, but the cold never bothered her anyway,” in Ahockalypse.

— Rene Perez, for coming up with dialogue like “a pressure washer couldn’t keep you clean” and “I’m going to cut his little dick off and throw it in the fire” in Death Kiss.

— The late Gunnar Hansen and B. Harrison Smith, for coming up with the lines “technology is the new god, software is the new dogma” and “I will fuck you in hell” in Death House.

And the Winner is …

Lars Von Trier, for finding a way to include in-depth conversations about “The Theory of Ruin Value” in The House That Jack Built — a movie about a remorseless psycho murderer that strangles old ladies to death and shoots children in the face for he LULZ.

Best Director

The Nominees

— Gaspar Noe, for giving us Climax, the movie that answers that age-old question “What exactly would happen if Breakin’ 2 and Bloodsucking Freaks were the same thing?”

— Matteo Garrone, for helming Dogman, the instant Italian neo-neo-neo-realism classic about locking the town bully in a dog cage and strangling him to death with hydraulic equipment.

— Dimitri Logothetis, for directing Kickboxer: Retaliation and proving once and for all that Greeks have cornered the market on Trump era karate movies.

— Rene Perez, for giving us Death Kiss, the best Charles Bronson movie Charles Bronson has made since dying 16 years ago.

And the Winner is …

Lars von Trier for The House The Jack Built, ‘cause he’s the only person on the planet that could make a satirical, arthouse, self-reflexive slasher movie modeled around classic Italian literature and the Aristotelian dialectic actually work.

Alright, folks, before we hand out the big Best Movie of 2018 award, I reckon it’s only fitting that we commemorate the inaugural IIIA Movie Awards with the bestowal of our first ever lifetime achievement award. And this year, there’s absolutely NO SURPRISE who our first honoree is going to be, even if it means we gotta’ award it posthumously.

Really, who else could be the inaugural IIIA Movie Awards Lifetime Achievement recipient besides the late, great Sir Burt Reynolds? The late, great Burtster had an oeuvre so full of testosterone that I’m not sure the holistic manliness of his filmography will EVER be topped. Smokey and the Bandit, The Longest Yard, Semi-Tough, Gator, White Lightning, Sharky’s Machine … hell, even when he started going downhill in the ‘90s he still managed to be the best thing about flicks Cop and a Half, Meet Wally Sparks and Mystery, Alaska, proving the dude’s a team player and not just another Hollywood prima donna. He may have been pretty quiet in the final years of his life, but the dude nonetheless did so much great stuff throughout the 70s and early-to-mid 1980s that he doesn’t just deserve recognition as one of America’s finest thespians, as far as we’re concerned he deserves beatification as Hollywood royalty. Which is why, henceforth, we here at IIIA shall officially canonize old Burt as SAINT REYNOLDS, the eternal guardian of unabashedly masculine cinema and retitle the annual Best Actor award as The Saint Burt Reynolds Award for Outstanding Performance in a Motion Picture by a REAL Man.

Sigh. Crack open a Coors and sip it proudly, gentlemen. Somewhere high above, The Bandit is smiling his graces down upon all of us right nowAmen.

Alright, now that that’s out of the way, the moment of truth: the nominees, and winner, of the first annual IIIA Movie Awards BEST FEATURE FILM, uh, award! The envelope, please ...

Best Movie

The Nominees

— To Hell and Back: The Kane Hodder Story, for showing the world that even Jason Voorhees himself has feelings.

— Kickboxer: Retaliation, for single handedly resurrecting the chop-socky movie as a viable, 21st century subgenre.

— Dogman, for reminding us that character-driven neorealism still exists and it can still be outstanding.

— Climax, for being the single greatest arthouse-dance-horror movie of this (or any other) year.

And the Winner is …

The House That Jack Built, for being the best serial killer movie since The Silence of the Lambs, the best spiritual adaptation of Dante’s Inferno in cinema history and for somehow finding a way to insert mini educational films about Stuka bombers and the noble rot impacting wine production around vignettes about school children being shot in the face and women having their breasts sawed off.

And that’s it, fellas and fellas with ‘ginas. Of course, you could go on ahead and watch the annual celebrity circle jerk that is the Academy Awards a little later this month, but why bother? Old Jimbo just told you what was really worth watching from ‘18, and you’d have to be plain dense to disagree with any of these selections.

Granted, I’m sure there’s a lot of great stuff I missed out on, and there’s probably a lot of great stuff that got produced in 2018 by people we’ve never heard about that we won’t even know existed until about 2025, but that’s sort of the beauty of the internet — for all its faults and foibles, it remains the great pop cultural colander, making sure the worthless ephemera of the present fades away as nature intended while the stuff overlooked from its own time eventually rises to a level of heightened cultural consciousness.

Just eyeing the docket for 2019, it looks like Hollywood’s slate of cinematic offerings for the year is more of the same … sequels, prequels, remakes, and, of course, more “cinematic universe” drek than you can shake an annual popcorn bucket at. Alas, it’s both my duty and yours to keep our eyes and ears affixed to the indies and foreign markets, pilfering through the deluge of film until we find those exceedingly rare, modern movies that are actually halfway worth a fuck.

Looking back on it, 2018 wasn’t a bad year at all for movies, just as long as you knew what off-the-beaten-path stuff to look for and steered VERY clear of anything even remotely resembling a mainstream cineplex. Here’s to hoping that 2019 is an even better one for truly great cinema … and as always, may Saint Burt Reynolds protect you and yours as we begin that long journey towards the second annual Internet Is In America Movie Awards — better mark those calendars for February 2020 now, folks.


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