Tuesday, July 30, 2019

A Tribute to Five TV Commercial MILFs

An ode to the advertising eye candy that’s DEFINITELY catering to the fetishistic mom-core crowd ...


By: Jimbo X

I’ve long believed that the absolute nadir of masturbatory patheticness — at least, without commiting any sex crimes — entails a three-ringed hell of self-pleasure. If you ever find yourself beating your meat to QVC or The Home Shopping Network (or any of its competitors), you’re at the third lowest rung one can succumb to. If you wack your weasel to any local news broadcast, you’re at the second lowest point one can find himself in. But the absolute lowest point a monkey spanker can fall to without courting legal retribution, of course, is jerking one’s chicken to television commercials. I mean, is there anything less savory than trying to unload a spurt of baby batter via 30 second ads meant to sell you on feminine hygiene products and minivans?

Of course, today we’re living in a post-shame society, where a large contingent of the general populace have no druthers at all about airing their sicko sexual shortcomings to the world at large. As long as you’re not encouraging the legalization of rape or miscellaneous paedo activites, it’s practially impossible to be shamed for your sexual inclinations, and as such, I figured it was my social duty to destigmatize that great cultural prejudice of the 21st century: that being, the needless shame associated with pulling your pudding to commercials. The way I see it, there ain’t nothing at all wrong with getting your jollies in quick, half-minute spurts intended to sell you on products you’ll never ever purchase, and the sooner we learn to embrace such as the perfectly healthy lifestyle choices they are, the better off all of contemporary U.S. society will be.

Of course, any company can just grab a big-jugged Victoria’s Secret model and make her shake her boobies in front of a camera to sell you iPhone apps or grape juice. But what I’ve noticed, relatively recently, is a more pronounced emphasis on marketing MILFs to the commercial-watching masses. In this sense, the characters in the ads aren’t as blatantly sexualized, but they’re nonetheless posited as objects of titillation for the male gaze. So it’s almost like the advertising people are stealthily trying to sneak in sexualized content under the guise of wholly relatable, family-friendly comedy, with this weird, almost incestuous wink and a nod to the viewer.

Naturally, it’s a lot easier to SHOW you this stuff than tell you about it, so today, I decided to take you on a whirlwind tour of five commercial MILFs — that being, older women, of birthing age, whose more procreation-ready bodies are obliquely sexploited for commercial gain — and why we, the collective horndog perverts of America, have such a hankering for their psychosexually subversive TV spots. And hey, who knows? If this thing proves popular enough (and those unscrupulous rogues on Madison Avenue keep cranking them out), we might be able to turn this into a regular feature here at IIIA. Alas, we shan’t put the horse before the cart here — how about we just kick back and enjoy this inaugural ode to television ad MILFs without any further delay?

Five bucks says she's using an online app to check her ovulation and vulva temperature.
 
Kim from State Farm!

When it’s all over and done with, I’d surmise that the advertising catchphrase of 2019 will probably be “DON’T MESS WITH MY DISCOUNT!” And that, assuredly, isn’t because the phrasing itself is clever or especially well-delivered, it’s because the actress associated with the State Farm ad is an Insurance Commercial Actress Mother You’d DEFINITELY Want To Fuck (or ICAMYDWTF, if you’re looking for something slightly more hashtagable for social media utlizations.) Maybe it’s just me, but the actress herein kinda reminded me of Kristin Bell, except, you know, mommier. You can also tell the actress is legit psychotic herself, judging from that inimitable thousand-yard crazy bitch stare she gives the audience at the very end of the commercial. This is one of those commercials were you’re all like, “you know, I don’t really care about car insurance, but I certainly wouldn’t mind having this ho dress up like Catwoman and spit in my mouth,” which really, is the easiest way to sell any product in Donald Trump’s America.

Mmm ... I wouldn't mind getting me a scoop of THAT, if you catch my drift.

The Country Crock margarine-MILF!

You know, after the fate that befell Erin Esurance, you kind of think marketers would hesitate before introducing a highly-sexualized cartoon character as their chief brand mascot. Well, apparently, the suits at Country Crock didn’t quite get the memo, as the cavalcade of bawdy remarks on this particular commercial’s official YouTube page clearly indicate. I’d venture to guess that the brand strategists here THOUGHT the thing people would remember about the commercial would be that kid running around in the dinosaur costume for no explicable reason, but WOOPS! Apparently, they made the CGI mom in the spot a little too bubble-bootied, with a salt shaker so bulbous it makes Elastigirl look like a recovering anorexic. Go on ahead, type “THICC” in the “find on page” search box and take a wild guess how many user-generated responses it returns. And rest assured: whatever you’re thinking in your head, the actual final sum is guaranteed to be WAY higher.

Remember: canonically, she's TOTALLY into painful intercourse.

The AbbVie Endometriosis-fu!

One of the great things about having Good Morning America playing on a constant loop while I’m getting my shit together for the day is that I’ve been introduced to all sorts of women diseases I had no idea existed. For example, before seeing this spot, I had no idea what the hell endometriosis was supposed to be, and probably would’ve confused it with hydrolysis or mitosis or something instead. To be honest, I’m still not 100 percent sure I know what endometriosis is, but there is one thing I know for sure — that kinda’ chunky-but-not-that-chunky redhead in the Coke bottle glasses wildly gesticulating about experiencing vaginal pains during bouts of ugly bumpin’ certainly gets my libido hummin’, if you catch my drift. Even better, the actress technically plays two different roles in the commercial — and if you ask me, the way she coolly, seductively swanks through her lines, she should be the faux patient in every cooter illness-related commercial henceforward. 

The fact that she struggles to show human emotion only makes her hotter.

Tara from Underpriced Furniture!

Now here’s a local favorite from the Atlanta mass media market. As you probably deduced for yourself, Underpriced Furniture is some hole-in-the-wall mom and pop liquidator in shadow of the rapidly gentrifying hellhole that is the ATL. In fact, you probably wouldn’t even remember the name of the store if it wasn’t for its spokesthot Tara, this 30-something-look brunette with enchantingly wide nostrils and a perma-expression on her face like she knows how take a good donging. And I’ve been around enough late 30s/early 40s-something Southern women to just know when one of them has to be a raging bitch in real life, and this gal right here rolls a perfect game in all of the visual indicators of ruthlessness. Oh, she may look all affable and inviting in this spot, but you can just tell that as soon as the camera stops rolling she starts yelling the “n-word” and blowing Virginia Slims smoke all over the place. Her catchphrase may be the drolly enthusiastic “it saves you MON-EEE,” but we all know what it really ought to be  —“I give you WOOD-EE,” specifically during random station breaks during the 6 o’clock Channel 2 newscast.

Get it? She has a long neck like a giraffe and she's ALSO wearing giraffe-print clothing!

The Orbit Gum Lint Licker!

And lastly, we go back to one of the OGs of TV commercial MILFs, and the woman who is single handedly responsible for my “girls with atypically long necks and atypically small chins fetish.” This particular Orbit Gum commercial was a cable television staple circa 2007/2008, thanks in no small part to two things; it’s admittedly hilarious parade of euphemisms for swear words — complete with the term “lint licker,” which, by design or by proxy, has henceforth become a codeword for one who enjoys lesbian tongue sex — and the perfomance of one Jesse Meriwether, some actress from L.A. whose facial features aren’t exactly what you would call “attractive” in the traditional sense, yet whom you nonetheless feel the grating yearn to engage in penile-related pastimes with, regardless. As it turns, Jesse — whom I’ve always likened to a considerably more tappable version of Shelly Duvall — has been in a TON of commercials over the years, hawking everything from Sprint to an H&R Block spot where she plays a fucking cyclops. She’s also got a Facebook page where she routinely posts pictures of herself dressed up like Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas, so there’s that, too — and yeah, she still looks pretty hot, in case any of my fellow giraffe-o-philes out there are curious.

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