Monday, July 29, 2019

Four Conspiracy Theories Concerning State Farm’s “She-Shed” Commercial

Insurance fraud, spousal jealousy, a hate crime or divine wrath — what REALLY caused Sheryl’s structure to go up in flames?

By: Jimbo X
OK, I’m a little late to the party, but I’ve been infatuated by that one State Farm “She-Shed” commercial ever since I saw it during The Bachelorette a couple of weeks back. I mean, *I* wasn’t the one watching The Bachelorette, my girlfriend was, and now sometimes I’ll just sit there staring vacantly at the TV screen during Good Morning America hoping they’ll replay the ad. I mean, it doesn’t bring me as much contentment as those commercials about medium to severe ulcerative colitis, but it certainly brightens my mornings, regardless.

It’s such a strangely involving ad for a standard insurance commercial, and I’ll be goddamned if whoever drummed up the script didn’t find a way to stuff that sumbitch with as much intrigue as you possibly could in a mere 30 second television spot. Every time the ad comes on, it feels like I’m watching the world’s shortest Unsolved Mysteries episode, this seemingly-mundane character drama that seems to be hiding far more than it appears. There’s definitely SOMETHING subcutaneous going on in the commercial, and the fact that I can’t quite explain it makes the ad all the more gripping and engrossing.

You see, I thought I was putting way too much thought into this shit, until I found THIS subreddit thread in which keyboard sleuths invested more time, energy and effort into the She-Shed enigma than the prosecutors put into the Central Park Five case. Clearly, I wasn’t the only person obsessed with this stupid commercial and its implied conspriatorial undertones, so I did what I always did when I can’t shake something stupid out of my head: I wrote a needlessly long, needlessly complex article delving even deeper into it.

After some cogitating on the matter, I narrowed the scope of likeliest causes of the She-Shed conflagration to the following four theorizations. Of course, these are far from the only explanations for what happened to said She-Shed, but it’s nonetheless a good starting point for our commercial casework, no matter how you slice it ...

Sheryl burnt down her own She-Shed for the insurance money

This one seems pretty obvious. I mean, if you’re going to commit intentional arson to defraud an insurer, it’s a lot smarter to set a smaller property on fire instead of your actual homestead, and as Sheryl notes several times throughout the commercial, the fact that this particular She-Shed has been incinerated now allots her the monetary resources to construct an even “She-Sheier” She-Shed. Clearly, for someone watching something she allegedly loves go up in flames, Sheryl takes the news pretty well, to the point her emotional detachment from the situation comes off as at least semi-suspicious. Furthermore, anyone who has actually been around middle-class, middle-aged black women know that it’s physically impossible for them to NOT over-emote about anything, which only strengthens the argument herein that Sheryl is a no-good con artist.

Victor intentionally set the She-Shed on fire

Now this one seems even more obvious than the first theory. Clearly, Victor isn’t a fan of the She-Shed, and hearing his wife talk about the prospects of getting an even “She-Sheier” She-Shed clearly rankles him. Even more concerning, Victor makes NO EFFORT whatsoever to put out the She-Shed fire, despite the fact he’s literally armed with a fire hose throughout the duration of the commercial. Of course, the big question mark there is why Victor would want to set the She-Shed on fire, other than the fact that his wife is always yammering on and on about it. From here on out we’re just dabbling in the domain of non-canonical conjecture, but if I had to venture a guess, I’d say it’s because Victor KNOWS his wife is cucking him with some other black stallion, probably one with a longer and thicker Johnson, at that. Thus, since he’s a beta who doesn’t have the backbone to confront his spouse about her dilly-dallying around, he strikes back by setting her woman-cave on fire, which ironically backfires on him because all it really does is allot her the financial opportunity to build an even she-sheier She-Shed after all that shit. Which is some really beautiful poetic justice, when you really think about it for a bit.

Sheryl and Victor are the victims of a hate crime

While Sherly and Victor, canonically, seem to attribute the cause of the She-Shed fire to a random lightning strike, take note of something very peculiar — in the commercial, it’s a perfectly sunny day, with no precipitation whatsoever. Furthermore, the backyard shows no signs of recent moisture, which makes the assumption that a bolt from a thunderstorm caused the mysterious She-Shed fire significantly less believable. Furthermore, it doesn’t appear as if the She-Shed in question was actually wired for electrical services, which seems to narrow that out as a catalyst for the blaze, as well. So if Victor didn’t set the fire to get revenge on his wife for getting the BBC on the side and Sheryl didn’t set her own She-Shed on fire for the insurance money, the next most probable source of the fire is, of course, an act of arson committed by someone who doesn’t want African-Americans co-existing with them in the community. This even seems to be implied by the lethargy of the local firefighters — both of whom just so happen to be white — who sure are taking their sweet time to put out a structure fire that, realistically, shouldn’t take more than a minute or so to fully extinguish. And come to think of it, what’s with Sheryl’s line at the very beginning of the commercial, when she tells her State Farm agent that “it’s finally happened, Zachary, somebody’s burned down my She-Shed?” Why did she anticipate the She-Shed getting incinerated, if not for a pre-existing fear of racially-motivated property damage?

God himself smoted the She-Shed

And this brings us to our most out there conspiracy theory concerning what REALLY happened to Sheryl’s She-Shed, and the only one that dare avers to drag metaphysics into the equation. So if neither Sheryl or Victor played a part in the conflagration, and black-hating racists didn’t cause the fire as a furtive warning, what possibly could’ve started a structure fire within a structure sans any wiring whatsoever? Well, there’s one minor clue when you freeze frame on the burning She-Shed itself. Notice anything unusual about how the flames are distributed throughout the blaze? That’s right — somehow, someway, the She-Shed caught fire from the outside, on each adjacent sides of the building, without the fires ever spreading to the middle, interior section of the She-Shed or the two disparate fires ever touching. So if we’re being accurate here, Sheryl’s She-Shed didn’t succumb to a fire but two separate fires that just so happened to strike her She-Shed on opposite sides from the outside at the exact same time. Needless to say, physics doesn’t normally tend to work that way, which would suggest some wide scale violatin’ of Newtonian law was going on for this She-Shed fire to occur. From a basic scientific standpoint, there’s no physical way the She-Shed fire should’ve happened, which would lead one to assume that its actual source is of some supernatural sort. And while I’m not entirely sure what Sheryl and Victor did to arouse the ire of the Almighty, one simply has to assume it was something major league if the only way the divine force of the universe could get his point across was through the immolation of a vagina cave.

But like I’ve been saying this whole time, those are just mere theories as to what happened to Sheryl’s She-Shed. The IIIA being the democratic platform it is, however, I’ve decided to let, you the IIIA-reading masses, determine once and for all what REALLY happened to Sheryl’s She-Shed via this user poll:

What REALLY happened to Sheryl's She-Shed?

Sheryl set her own She-Shed on fire in an act of insurance fraud
Victor, in an act of jealous rage, set Sheryl's She-Shed ablaze
White supremacists set the She-Shed on fire as a crytpic warning
God, in his divine wrath, smote the She-Shed for being a false idol

In the meantime, I’ll be tabulating the responses and at a latter date, post the results from you, the IIIA audience. Which, of course, gives us plenty of time in the interim to discuss a sub-mystery concerning the spot; is Sheryl saying “She-She-ier” as a made-up adjective, or is she actually using the real life adjective chichier? Aye, the plot, it goddamn thickens ...


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