Wednesday, October 23, 2019

2019-2020 NFL Power Rankings (Week Seven)

ESPN and Bleacher Report can eat it — THESE are the only pro football rankings that matter, anywhere and everywhere


By: Jimbo X

This Week’s Episode:
“The Creme Rises, The Crap Sinks”

THE ELITES

#001
New England Patriots (7-0)
Season Point Differential: +175

Another week, another ass-blisterin’ doled out by the Pats. In Monday night’s effortless 33-0 win over the hapless Jets, Tom Terrific went 31 for 45 for 249 yards and one TD pass (and one interception, like it even remotely mattered) while Sony Michel gashed and slashed the Jets D en route to a 42-yard, THREE-touchdown day on 19 carries. And defensively, New England positively deflated N.Y., holding the Jets to just 81 yards rushing and limiting Sam Darnold to a mere 73 passing yards — oh, and with them, FOUR INTERCEPTIONS.

#002
San Francisco 49ers (6-0)
Season Point Differential: +092

It wasn’t purty, but in a rain-slogged defensive stalemate the Niners still managed to notch up the dubya. Jimmy G. Went 12 for 21 for 151 yards, no TDs and one interception in San Franc’s 9-nothin’ win over the Deadskins, in a game that saw Robbie Gould boot three field goals from less than 30 yards out and not a whole lot else. At least former Falcon Tevin Coleman had a pretty decent showing, considering the elemental circumstances; he wrapped up the game with 62 yards on 20 carries, with his longest of the day being a mere nine yards.

#003
Minnesota Vikings (5-2)
Season Point Differential: +069

To put it delicately, Kirk Cousins looked like he had a really, really big dick in the Vikes’ 42-30 win over Detroit Sunday. The former Redskins QB went 24 for 34 for 338 yards in the victory, ultimately tossing four TD passes to four different receivers — one of whom, interestingly, wasn’t the game’s top receiver, Stefan Diggs, who finished the contest with 143 yards on seven receptions. And Dalvin Cook, of course, played like an absolute ACE, concluding the contest with 142 yards and two scores on 25 carries. 

#004
Dallas Cowboys (4-3)
Season Point Differential: +066

After three consecutive losses, the Cowboys finally got back into the win column with an impressive 37-10 shellacking of loathed NFC East foes Philadelphia Sunday night. Dak Prescott went 21 for 27 for 239 yards, one TD and one INT, with Amari Cooper concluding the game with 106 yards on five catches. Meanwhile, Ezekiel Elliot kept the run game steady, collecting 111 yards and one end zone visit on 22 carries. Indeed, Dallas had three rushing touchdowns on the day, with Dak notching up one rushing score and Tavon Austin recording a superb 20-yard TD jaunt on his only run of the evening.

#005
Baltimore Ravens (5-2)
Season Point Differential: +058

Lamar Jackson looked absolutely fantastic in the Ravens’ 30-16 win over the Seahawks on Sunday, both throwing and passing the rock. The Louisville product went 9 for 20 for 143 yards in the air and collected 116 yards and one score on 14 QB keepers, although he didn’t lob any touchdown passes, technically. And Baltimore’s D came up big time, with Marcus Peters recording a 67-yard interception  score and Marlon Humphrey converting an 18-yard fumble into six on the scoreboard late in the fourth quarter.

#006
Kansas City Chiefs (5-2)
Season Point Differential: +052

Patrick Mahomes was 10 for 11 for 76 yards and one TD pass before he went down with a leg injury in Thursday night’s 30-6 throttling of AFC West rivals Denver, and according to the ESPN, he’s liable to miss the next three games for the Chiefs. If nothing else, though, Andy Reid and company have to be impressed by backup QB Matt Moore’s play — as a fill-in, he went 10 for 19 for 117 yards and one TD against what is STILL one of the deadliest pass-defenses in pro football, including a 57-yard dandy to Tyreek Hill, who apparently found the time to whiff Broncos end zone in between all of that women-beating he does as a hobby.

#007
Green Bay Packers (6-1)
Season Point Differential: +045

Fine, I’ll eat my own shit and give Aaron Rodgers mad props for leading the Packers to a 42-24 win over the Raiders Sunday. In fact, A-Rod was responsible for no less than SIX touchdowns in Green Bay’s victory, including one rushing score. Ultimately, he finished the outing 25 for 31 for 429 yards and five aerial scores, all five of which landed in the arms of a different wideout. Leading the Pack was, of all people, Marquez Valdes-Scantling, who had an incredible 133 yards on just TWO catches.

#008
Carolina Panthers (4-2)
Season Point Differential: +033

The Panthers had a bye over the weekend and return to action this Sunday for what should be a good ‘un against San Francisco. Obviously, the two big stories for the Panthers this season has been Christian McCaffrey's MVP caliber performance as both a rusher and a receiver and Kyle Allen’s MUCH better than expected showing as Cam Newton’s backup. Of course, we’ll just have to wait and see if the Panthers’ management keeps rolling with the hot hand or lets Newton attempt to work his magic on the gridiron — or sell him off to the highest bidder well the price tag is still high.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#009
Buffalo Bills (5-1)
Season Point Differential: +030

At 5-1, the Buffalo Bills seem to be a “legit” playoffs-caliber team, which — of course — means they’re destined to get ass-blasted in the first round of the postseason, making pretty much everything this team and the entire vicinity of upstate New York stands for a complete waste of time, in the grand scheme of things. Up against the League’s worst team, Buffalo pulled out a 31-21 win Sunday, with Josh Allen going 16 for 26 for 202 yards and two TD passes, while Frank Gore led the team running the rock with 55 yards on 11 carries. Also, anyone who can explain to me how Buffalo’s much ballyhooed defense allowed Ryan Fitzpatrick to notch up 272 yards in the air deserves a medal of some kind — I mean, certainly not a very large or expensive one, but one that’s nonetheless noticeable up-close, I suppose.  

#010
Los Angeles Rams (4-3)
Season Point Differential: +026

The Rams impaled the Falcons on the road Sunday, clobbering Atlanta 37-10 in a gloriously one-sided drubbing noteworthy solely for the instance in which Devonta Freeman tried to punch Aaron Donald and got his ass ejected as a result. For the first time in what seems like ages, Jared Goff actually had a semi-respectable game, going 22 for 37 for 268 yards and two TD passes, while the L.A. run game managed to outgross Atlanta 90 yards to 38 on the ground. And that pass defense certainly made Matt Ryan’s life miserable, sacking him five times for negative 38 yards, intercepting him once and registering hits on his about-to-be-replaced ass thrice.

#011
Houston Texans (4-3)
Season Point Differential: +021

Deshaun Watson’s 308-passing yard day wasn’t enough for the Texans, who fell to AFC South rivals Indianapolis 30-23 over the weekend. Watson ultimately finished the outing 23 for 34 for one TD and two INTs, with receivers DeAndre Hopkins and Kenny Stills each eclipsing triple digits in the yardage columns. Alas, Houston’s passing defense had no solution to Jacoby “Whisker Biscuit” Brissett, who positively torched the secondary for 326 yards and four blistering touchdown passes. 

#012
New Orleans Saints (6-1)
Season Point Differential: +017

Teddy Bridgewater led the Saints to yet another win Sunday, going 23 for 38 for 281 yards and two TD passes in the team’s 36-25 victory. Michael Thomas finished the game with 131 yards on nine catches, while Latavius Murray recorded 119 yards and two touchdowns on 27 touches — not bad for a guy whom I had NO idea was even on the team, really. Of course, with Drew Brees returning from injury this week, the Saints’ future seems up in the air; although pending Drew goes down again, it looks like they’ve got a VERY reliable backup in the proud University of Louisville product. 

#013
Tennessee Titans (3-4)
Season Point Differential: +009

The worst-best team in pro football notched a thrilling 23-20 win over the Chargers Sunday, thanks in no small part to Melvin Gordon’s penchant for finding the most hilarious ways possible to cost his team the W. Since nobody really cares about the Titans, you might be surprised to learn that Marcus Mariota ISN’T the starter for the team anymore, and you might be even more surprised to learn that the guy who is is RYAN TANNEHIL  — and that, somehow, someway — he’s out there having 23 for 29, 312-passing yard days in the year 2019. Keep an eye on these slippery sorts, NFL fans … not only could the Tight Ones be a dark horse playoffs contender, they might even emerge the unlikely champion of an AFC South that’s about as consistent as elephant shit.

#014
Chicago Bears (3-3)
Season Point Differential: +007

Mitchell “The Bitchell” Trubisky went 34 for 54 for 251 yards and two scores in the Bears’ 36-25 loss to the Saints Sunday. Allen Robinson II led the team receiving with one score and 87 yards on 10 catches, but if you’re looking for who led the team in rushing, the honest answer is absolutely nobody, considering the Bears could only muster a pitiful 17 yards on the turf — all while allowing New Orleans to stomp all over Soldier Field to the tune of 151 and two rushing touchdowns. 

#015
Seattle Seahawks (5-2)
Season Point Differential: +005

Russell Wilson had decent numbers Sunday, but Seattle still succumbed to Baltimore 30-16 over the weekend. He went 20 for 41 for 241 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split in the loss, with Tyler Lockett leading the team in receiving with 61 yards and one score on five catches. Meanwhile, literal who Chris Carson was the most productive rusher for the ‘Hawks, finishing the game with 65 yards — but no end zone visits — on 21 carries.

#016
Indianapolis Colts (4-2)
Season Point Differential: +005

Jacoby “Whisker Biscuit” Brissett had a career day in Sunday’s 30-23 win over the Texans, going 26 for 39 for 326 yards and four TD passes. Zach Pascal concluded the contest with two scores and 106 yards on six catches, with T.Y. Hilton and Eric Ebron each amassing at least 70 yards to go along with their respective touchdown hauls. And give the Colts’ defense a LOT of credit, having sacked Deshaun Watson thrice and intercepting him twice. 

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#017
Los Angeles Chargers (2-5)
Season Point Differential: -001

The Chargers had four chances to win Sunday’s game against Tennessee, with the pigskin slotted in at the TEN 1 yard line. Alas, a false start penalty pushed them back four yards, only for Melvin Gordon to FUMBLE the ball away on what would’ve been the game-winning score. As a result, the Chargers dropped the get-the-hell-outta-here loss 23-20 and find themselves sitting unpretty at 2-5 on the year. Sorry folks, but with those kinds of numbers floating around in the back of players’ heads, even Phil Rivers lobbing the rock for 300-plus yards every game ain’t gonna’ be soothing anybody’s psyche. 

#018
Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)
Season Point Differential: -004

THE Gardner Minshew II went 15 for 32 for 255 years and one TD pass in Jacksonville’s 27-17 win over Cincinnati on Sunday. Dede Westbrook finished the game with 103 yards on six receptions, while Leonard Fournette concluded he game with 131 yards (but no TDs) on 29 carries. Of course, it was Josh Lambo’s four field goals that made the difference in this one, although I suppose Yannick Ngakoue’s 23-yard INT reception late in the fourth was a nice display of poor sportsmanship, too.

#019
Pittsburgh Steelers (2-4)
Season Point Differential: -008

The good news for the Steelers, I suppose, is that for the post-bye week contest they have the easiest pickings possible — a Monday night home tilt against the woefully underwhelming Dolphins. It’s still up in the air whether or not Mason Rudolph or Devlin Hodges gets the starting QB nod, but whoever the Steelers start in prime time, one thing is for sure: he probably won’t have as many rape accusations to his name as Big Ben, and for that, all you pricks in Pitty oughta be thankful.

#020
Detroit Lions (2-3-1)
Season Point Differential: -011

Well, the Lions may have lost 42-30 to the Vikings over the weekend, but one thing’s for sure — Matt Stafford looked like an absolute PIMP in the losing effort, going 30 for 45 for 364 passing yards and FOUR touchdown passes. And there’s no denying who his favorite target was, considering Marvin Jones, Jr. reeled in all four of them en route to concluding the contest with 93 yards on 10 catches. Also having a great showing, statistically, was receiver Danny Amendola, who finished the outing with 105 yards on eight receptions. 

#021
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -12

Following a bye the Bucs return to action Sunday for an early afternoon tilt with Tennessee. Don’t look now, but the Bucs could be a dark horse playoff contender, pending a few fortuitous bounces come their way in the NFC South and like, 10 other teams fold before the postseason begins. And if nothing else, Tampa Bay can take solace in noting that they have two games against Atlanta left on the schedule, which ought to at least get them up to 4-12 on the year. Oh, and another bright spot for the Bucs faithful? To the best of my knowledge, no, Jameis Winston has yet to rape anyone or anything while the 2019 season is onging. 

#022
Philadelphia Eagles (3-4)
Season Point Differential: -015

The Eagles got positively wrecked by Dallas Sunday night, losing 37-10 to their much-hated divisional foes in prime time. Carson Wentz went 16 for 26 for 191 yards and a one TD-one INT split in the loss, although he did eat dirt three times for minus 23 yards. Ironically enough, the most productive receiver for the Eagles was Dallas Goedert, who had one score and 69 yards on four catches, with Alshon Jeffery and Zach Ertz each recording 38 yards on two receptions a piece. Meanwhile, Jordan Howard was just kinda’ OK in the trenches, collecting a merely meh 50 yards on 11 carries.

#023
Denver Broncos (2-5)
Season Point Differential: -024

Over the last few years the Broncos have been renowned for their stout defensive play, but after Thursday night’s 30-6 loss to the Chiefs, they might become more famous for their god-awful offensive line. In the 24-point defeat, Joe Flacco went 21 for 34 for 213 yards — only to get sacked EIGHT times for a cumulative loss of negative 72. And now that Emmanuel Sanders has bolted for San Fran, that gives Joe Uncool even FEWER deep field passes to target; all I’m gonna say is if his family doesn’t have a solid life insurance policy taken out by now, they might want to before that Thanksgiving-time clash with the Bills (that is, if Flacco even makes it THAT long without getting turned into a turf taco.)

#024
Arizona Cardinals (3-3-1)
Season Point Differential: -031

Kyler Murray went 14 for 21 for 104 yards, no TDs and no INTs in the Cardinals’ 27-21 win over the Giants Sunday. Thankfully, Chase Edmonds was there in the backfield to give Arizona all the offensive push it needed to secure the W, as the former Fordham University standout finished the contest with 126 yards and three touchdowns on 27 carries. Oh, and in case you were wondering (and I know you weren’t), the team’s top receiver was, of all people, Pharoh Cooper, who concluded the outing with 29 yards on four catches. 

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#025
Cleveland Browns (2-4)
Season Point Differential: -034

After a bye week, the Browns return to the gridiron this Sunday for a late afternoon game against the Patriots, which, let’s face it, can have just one of two possible outcomes: either the Browns eke out the upset regular season win of the year 23-21 in a game where Tom Brady is inexplicably off the mark OR New England creams Cleveland, like, 48-7. Regardless, in either scenario, one thing seems to be an absolute guarantee: Baker Mayfield is going to be sacked like a motherfucker so bad this weekend, he may have to legally change his name to “Groceries.” 

#026
Oakland Raiders (3-3)
Season Point Differential: -038

No, I’m not going to make any excuses for the Raiders’ 42-24 loss to the Packers over the weekend, I’m just gonna’ point you over to our live play-by-play coverage of Sunday’s debacle so you can taste the misery for yourself as it happened in real-time. Not that it matters, but Derek Carr had almost 300 yards in the loss, going 22 for 28 for two scores and one INT, and Josh Jacobs continued to look incredible, collecting 124 yards on 21 carries, albeit, sans any visits into Green Bay end zone. And hey, as bad as the Raiders’ D looked against the pass, they did look fairly potent against the rush, holding the Packers to just 60 yards on the ground all game long.

#027
New York Giants (2-5)
Season Point Differential: -055

Just weeks after praising him as the new football Jesus Christ, the New York faithful are already shitting all over Daniel Jones, and I reckon the loathe-in is only going to intensify in the wake of the Giants’ 27-21 loss to the Cardinals. The former Duke QB went 22 for 35 for 23 yards in the loss, ultimately collecting one TD and one INT through the air. Alas, he also got sacked EIGHT times, which dropped his total yardage amount by minus 67. At least Saquon Barkley looked fairly decent for the True Blue; he concluded the affair with 72 yards and one touchdown on 18 carries. 

#028
Cincinnati Bengals (0-7)
Season Point Differential: -072

With seven losses on the books, Cincinnati, technically, has the worst record in the NFL right now. And yes, as evident by Sunday’s 27-17 loss to the Jags, a lot of that can be attributed to the piss poor play from Andy Dalton. The Ginger Gunslinger went 22 for 43 in the loss, ultimately collecting 276 yards in the air — and, in the process, recording three interceptions, to boot. And don’t look for the run game to counter some of the aerial sucktitude — the Bengals got outpaced on the ground 216 yards to 33 in the weekend’s demoralizing defeats.

#029
Atlanta Falcons (1-6)
Season Point Differential: -078

Really, the most amazing thing about the Falcons’ 37-10 home loss to the Rams isn’t Matt Ryan’s pathetic play or Atlanta’s utter and complete lack of anything even remotely resembling a professional-grade run game. For me, it was the sudden realization that not only is first ballot journeyman hall of famer Matt Schuab STILL in the League, he may indeed be starting a REAL NFL game that counts in the year 2019 thanks to Matty Ice’s nagging case of the bitch flu. Hell, at this point, it looks like University of Alabama is going to have more wins at Mercedes-Benz Stadium than the town’s actual NFL team this season.

#030
Washington Redskins (1-6)
Season Point Differential: -086

The Redskins didn’t do a whole lot in Sunday’s 9-0 loss to the Niners, which was just about the ugliest, slushiest, sloppiest NFL game of the year so far. Case Keenum went 9 for 12 for 77 yards in the rain-soaked loss, producing no TDs and no INTs but getting sacked three times for negative 27 yards. Meanwhile, Adrian Peterson actually did pretty well considering the turf was basically a humongous, taxpayer-subsidized Slip ’N Slide, finishing the forgettable outing with 81 yards on 20 touches. 

#031
New York Jets (1-5)
Season Point Differential: -093

Look, I ain’t gonna’ shit you — there’s not a whole lotta’ good to say about the Jets’ 33-0 loss to the Pats Monday night, except, perhaps, that nobody died on the field and — to the best of our knowledge — nobody got raped elsewhere in the stadium. Sam Darnold went 11 for 32 for 86 yards, but you can go on ahead and dial that down to just 73 yards factoring in that one 13-yard sack he ate (like your mother does every night), and that’s to say NOTHING of the four INTs he lobbed OR the totally superfluous fumble he gifted the Pats. Oh well, at least Le’Veon Bell had a decent showing, garnering 70 yards on 15 carries — and again, presumably, not raping anyone before, during or after the game itself.

#032
Miami Dolphins (0-6)
Season Point Differential: -148

At this point, do I even have to tell you how the Dolphins fared over the week that was? There’s really no point in getting into the details of the Fins’ 31-21 loss to the Bills Sunday, or getting even the teeniest, tiniest bit excited about Ryan Fitzpatricks’ 282-passing yard performance. Just accept the fact that this team is tanking like the Panzer-Lehr-Division through Hungary circa 1944, and unless he murders or rapes somebody, this time next year Tua Tagovailoa’s gonna’ be sporting a green and teal uniform. But, uh, for the time being, the Miami faithful can take some pride in having the ONLY black general manager in the League — I mean, the diversity points HAVE to feel better than winning record, don’t it?

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