Monday, October 14, 2019

2019 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week Seven)

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By: Jimbo X

Let’s face it — the Associated Press and USA Today don’t know what the hell they’re talking about when it comes to college football, which is why their Top 25 rankings are always such dogshit. Thankfully, we here at The Internet Is In America take our collegiate pigskin far more seriously, which is why we’re giving you our own unbiased, impartial, 100 percent objective NCAA Top 25 rankings each and every week this college ball season. Trust us, there’s no reason to scope out ESPN or Bleacher Report this fall … ‘cause when it comes to football on Saturday, ain’t nobody anywhere gonna’ give it to ‘ya as straight as TIIIA will, and that’s a guarantee.

Clemson (6-0)
Next Opponent: at Louisville (Oct. 19)

The Tigers rebounded from that less-that-impressive victory over North Carolina two weeks ago with a 45-14 thrashing of Florida State Saturday. Trevor Lawrence went 17 for 25 for 170 yards, three touchdowns and one Int in the winning bid, with Justyn Ross finishing the contest with 61 yards and two scores on five catches. Meanwhile, Travis Etienne had another big day on the ground — 127 yards on 17 carries — while Clemson’s D held the Seminoles passing attack to just 150 through the air and only 103 running the rock.

Alabama (6-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Tennessee (Oct. 19)

Tua Tagovailoa notched up 293 yards and four touchdown passes in Alabama’s 47-28 win over Texas A&M, in a contest that saw DeVonta Smith rack up 99 receiving yards and one end zone visit on seven catches. The Tide’s running attack looked potent as ever in the victory, with top back Najee Harris finishing the game with 114 yards, but no scores, on 20 carries. Defensively, though, Alabama looked like a mixed bag; despite holding the Aggies to 125 yards on the ground, they also let Kellen Mond — who, let’s face it, probably ain’t gonna’ be the next Joe Montana, or even the next Joe Flacco — air out the ball for 264 yards and two TD passes.

Ohio State (6-0)
Next Opponent: at Northwestern (Oct. 18)

The Buckeyes had a bye over the weekend, and will emerge this Saturday to beat the living dogshit out of Northwestern, probably by like 20 or 30 points or something. At this point in the season, Ohio State’s offense is ranked No. 7 overall in terms of yards per game, averaging 534.5 per contest. And in terms of defense, statistically-speaking, they’re playing even better; allowing just 234 yards per game through the first six games of the season, the Buckeyes officially possess the second best D in Division I college football.

Oklahoma (6-0)
Next Opponent: vs. West Virginia (Oct. 19)

As expected and advertised, this year’s Red River Rivalry matchup was a hoot and a half, with the Sooners edging out the Longhorns 34-27 in an entertaining little romp. Jalen Hurts finished the game  16 for 28 for 235 yards, three TD passes and one INT, additionally racking up an absurd 131 yards and one more end zone visit on 17 carries. Still, the offensive star of the game for Oklahoma was probably receiver CeeDee Lamb, who in addition to having the perfect pimp name picked out already, finished the game with 171 yards and THREE touchdowns on 10 receptions.

LSU (6-0)
Next Opponent: at Mississippi State (Oct. 19)

Joe Burrow had an excellent showing in Saturday night’s 42-28 win over Florida, finishing the contest 21 for 24 for 293 yards and three TD passes. Hauling in two of those passes was Ja’Marr Chase, who concluded the contest with 127 yards on seven carries, closely followed by wideout Justin Jefferson, who concluded the game with 123 yards and one end zone visit on 10 carries. And top back Clyde Edwards-Helaire looked plum fantastic, recording two touchdowns to go along with his 134-yard, 13-carry performance.

Wisconsin (6-0)
Next Opponent: at Illinois (Oct. 19)

The Badgers BTFO out Michigan State Saturday, destroying the Spartans 38-0 in a contest that saw the guys in green put up just 119 yards of aerial offense — and a meager 30 yards on the ground. Of course, Wisconsin’s offense put up some solid numbers, too, with Jack Coan going 18 for 21 for 180 yards and one TD pass. And, as always, Jonathan Taylor was money with the pigskin in his mitts, finishing the blowout victory with 80 yards and two scores on 26 carries. 

Penn State (6-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Michigan (Oct. 19)

In a hard-fought, defensive struggle — not unlike the ones put up by Jerry Sandusky’s incalculable young victims — Penn State surmounted Iowa 17-12 over the weekend. Sean Clifford finished the game a mediocre 12 for 24 passing, netting 117 yards and one TD pass in a very forgettable performance. Meanwhile, Noah Cain looked pretty good running the rock for the Nittany Diddlers, concluding the contest with 102 yards and one score on 22 carries. Still, Penn State’s defense looked awfully suspect against the Hawkeyes, allowing Nate Stanley (who, for the record, is only a slightly better quarterback than deceased Alice in Chains frontman Layne Staley) to record 286 aerial yards in a losing effort. 

Boise State (6-0)
Next Opponent: at BYU (Oct. 19)

The Blue Turfers had no problems dispatching Hawai’i, besting the Rainbow Warriors 59-37 Saturday evening. With Hank Bachmeier sidelined, Chase Cord definitely rose to the occasion, going 12 for 18 for 175 yards and three passing touchdowns, with John Hightower leading Boise State’s receivers with 141 yards and two end zone visitations on seven catches. And top back Robert Mahone didn’t look too shabby running the rock either for the Broncos — he finished the game with 74 yards and one score on 16 carries.

Baylor (6-0)
Next Opponent: at Oklahoma State (Oct. 19)

In Saturday’s OTHER double O.T. thriller, the Golden Bears improved to 6-0 on the year via a tough, back-and-forth 33-30 win over Texas Tech. Baylor QB Charlie Brewer went 24 for 37 for 352 yards in the victory, but unfortunately, none of those passes landed in enemy end zone and three of them landed in the open arms of Red Raiders defenders. Alas, as bad as Brewer may have hunched the pooch lobbing the rock, he definitely played hero of the day running the ball, accumulating three rushing touchdowns and 55 yards on 15 keepers — although, for those curious, it was JaMycal Hasty’s five-yard run in 2.O.T. that officially sealed the win for Baylor over the weekend.

SMU (6-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Temple (Oct. 19)

On that beloved old television program Dinosaurs, the term “smoo” was used an all-purpose profanity. Coincidentally, the abbreviation for Southern Methodist University is “SMU,” which sounds a lot like “smoo.” I only bring this up because a.) the team had a bye week, therefore I have no insightful statistical commentary to give you people, and b.) by all accounts, the 5-1 Temple Owls ought to beat the living smoo out of SMU this Saturday afternoon. Still, the Mustangs’ unlikely undefeated run so far this season has been entertaining, to say the least — win or lose, here’s hoping we get at least four overtime periods out of their next on-field excursion.

Minnesota (6-0)
Next Opponent: at Rutgers (Oct. 19)

Are the Golden Gophers for real? Well, probably not, but at 6-0, they’re definitely doing a lot better than most people probably expected them to this season. That’s especially true following Sunday’s 34-7 clobbering of Nebraska, which saw Tanner Morgan go eight for 13 for 128 yards and one passing TD, with top receiver Tyler Johnson finishing the outing with 109 yards on five catches. Meanwhile, Rodney Smith kept Minnesota’s run game steady with 139 yards and one score on 18 carries, as the collecting Gophers D held the free falling Cornhuskers’ football program to just 151 yards rushing and only 148 passing on the day.

Appalachian State (5-0)
Next Opponent: v. UL-Monroe (Oct. 19)

The Mountaineers topped the Ragin’ Cajuns last Wednesday, besting them 17-7 in a game you probably only saw as background noise at that really nasty Mexican place you go to after work for the half-priced burritos and that one junior college skank waitress with the knife wound that you think you have a shot at. So, uh, yeah, not a whole lot to say about this one, except Zac Thomas looked fab-o. App State’s QB finished the game 11 for 17 passing the ball, ultimately concluding the contest with 147 yards (but no TDs or INTs.) He did, however, put up 12 of his team’s points with his feet, collecting two rushing TDs and 63 yards on 15 keepers throughout the outing.

Michigan (5-1)
Next Opponent: at Penn State (Oct. 19)

Michigan’s 42-25 win over Illinois was a pretty boring game, to be honest with you, fam. Up against a clearly outmatches defense, Shea Patterson went 11 for 22 for 194 yards and three TD passes, with top receiver Ronnie Bell finishing the outing with 98 yards — but no touchdowns — on three catches. Meanwhile, two Wolverines running backs hit triple digits in the facile victory; Hassan Haskins finished the game with one score and 125 yards on 12 carries while Zach Charbonnet wrapped up the win with one end zone visit and 116 yards on 18 carries.

Oregon (5-1)
Next Opponent: at Washington (Oct. 19)

Oregon creamed Colorado like a fertile woman desperately seeking impregnation on Saturday, blasting the Buffaloes 45-3 at home. Justin Gerbert went 18 for 32 for 261 yards and two TD passes in the win, while CJ Verdell ran the rock 14 times for 171 yards. Meanwhile, the impossibly-named Cyrus Habibi-Likio concluded the game with 47 yards and THREE rushing touchdowns on 13 carries, as the Ducks’ defense held Colorado to just 168 yards passing and only 131 running the pigskin.

Auburn (5-1)
Next Opponent: at Arkansas (Oct. 19)

The Tigers had a bye Saturday and return to play this weekend against Arkansas, which despite being a road contest, is still a game Auburn should win by double digits, or else the entire team ought to be drug-tested for opioid use. So far this season, the Tigers are putting up 423.5 yard per game, which puts them in-between Air Force and Coastal Carolina in terms of offensive metrics. Meanwhile, on defense, they’re allowing 333.2 yards per game, which officially makes them a worse team on D than Old Dominion. But on the plus side? Auburn’s also playing better defense than Alabama, who, six games into the season, are allowing 336 yards of enemy offense per outing.

Florida (6-1)
Next Opponent: at South Carolina (Oct. 19)

Kyle Trask’s 310-yard, three-TD day just wasn’t enough for the Gators, who fell to LSU 42-28 over the weekend. While receivers Kyle Pitts (108 yards, five catches) and Van Jefferson (73 yards, two touchdowns, eight catches) both put in stellar performances, Florida’s run-game certainly sputtered out quickly. The team concluded the contest with 146 yards and no rushing scores on 40 runs, with Lamical Perine accumulating just 65 yards on 17 touches all game long. 

Georgia (5-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Kentucky (Oct. 19)

There are inexplicable loses, and then there’s Georgia’s logic-defying 20-17 double overtime loss to the Gamecocks on Saturday. Jake Fromm played like an absolute retard in the shocking upset, going 28 for 51 for 295 yards, one TD and three interceptions, leaving running back D’Andre Swift (113 yards, one TD, 23 carries) to try his darnedest to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat in this one. Alas, some stupendous special teams snafus ultimately gave South Carolina the edge, as the usually spot-on Rodrigo Blankenship schtoinked it in extra innings … ultimately, costing not only UGA the game, but quite possibly their National Championship Playoffs hopes in the process.

Notre Dame (5-1)
Next Opponent: at Michigan (Oct. 26)

It was a close one, but the Irish nonetheless prevailed over the ghost of USC’s football program Saturday via a thrilling 30-27 win. Ian Book went 17 for 32 for 165 yards in the victory, ultimately lobbing one TD pass top receiver Cole Kmet (61 yards, six receptions) in the process. At the final horn, Notre Dame outstripped the Trojans 308 to 171 on the ground; Irish back Tony Jones, Jr., with 176 yards on 25 carries, had more yards than the entire COMBINED USC backfield by the team the last whistle blew on this ‘un.

Cincinnati (5-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Tulsa (Oct. 19)

Don’t look now, but the Bearcats are starting to surge through the AAC like hot Ex-Lax through a goose’s duodenal system. In Saturday’s 38-23 win over Houston, Desmond Ridder went 14 for 24 for 263 yards, three TD passes and one INT, with top receiver Rashad Medaris collecting 121 yards and one score on just three catches. Meanwhile, Michael Warren II led Cincy’s run attack, collecting 68 yards on 17 carries — although, for comparative purposes, Houston’s Kyle Porter almost outran the entire Cincinnati backfield, posting 107 yards on 16 carries in a losing effort. 

Temple (5-1)
Next Opponent: at SMU (Oct. 19)

At this point, the AAC probably IS more competitive than the ACC, and it certainly has better odds of sending somebody to the National Championship Playoffs than the Pac-12, that’s for damned certain. That’s apparent by Saturday’s thrilling 30-28 win for Temple over Memphis, which saw Anthony Russo go 20 for 33 for 224yards and two scores, with top receiver Branden Mack calling it a day with 125 yards and one TD on nine catches. And Temple got some steady production out of its top two backs, as well, with Jager Gardner (18 carries, 77 yards and one TD) and Re’Mahn Davis (23 carries, 72 yards) doing what they had to do to keep the Owls offense a’flowin’. 

Utah (5-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Arizona State (Oct. 19)

Like an especially aggressive lesbian, Utah pounded the Beavers hard over the weekend, battering and bruising Oregon State to the tune of 52-7. The Utes outpaced Oregon State 256 to 48 on the ground, with top back Zack Moss concluding the contest with 121 yards and two scores on five carries. Meanwhile, Tyler Huntley went 14 for 17 passing the ball, concluding the win with 247 yards and two touchdown passes; with 97 yards on four receptions, Demari Simpkins was the Utes top receiver, statistically-speaking and whatnot.

Arizona State (5-1)
Next Opponent: at Utah (Oct. 19)

Arizona State kept their PAC-12 Championship dreams alive with a 38-34 win over Washington State on Saturday. Jayden Daniels went 26 for 36 for 363 yards and three TD passes in the narrow victory, with top receiver Brandon Aiyuk collecting all of them to round out his 196-yard, seven-reception day. Running the rock, Eno Benjamin (19 carries, 137 yards, one score) didn’t look too shabby, but holy hell, does the Sun Devils’ defense need some SERIOUS retooling. While they managed to hold the Cougars to just 32 yards rushing, their secondary also let Anthony Gordon gouge ‘em silly for a preposterous 466 yards.

Missouri (5-1)
Next Opponent: at Vanderbilt (Oct. 19)

Here’s something that’ll probably surprise you; right now, the top-seeded team in the SEC East ain’t Georgia or Florida, but 5-1 Missouri, who bested Ole Miss 38-27 over the weekend. In case you forget, Kelly Bryant is the quarterback for the Tigers, and on Saturday he collected 329 yards, one TD and one INT in his 23-for-35 passing day against the Rebels. Meanwhile, Larry Roundtree III concluded the outing with 126 yards and two end zone visits for Missouri on 21 carries, as the redundantly-monikered Johnathan Johnson led Mizzou’s receivers with 110 yards on eight catches.

Wake Forest (5-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Florida State (Oct. 19)

Well, the Demon Deacons lost their first game of the season Saturday, getting beat 62-59 by Louisville in a game that was apparently played under “no defense allowed” rules (a.k.a, what we sometimes like to refer to as “Big 12-Style.” As the final score suggests, Wake Forest definitely got a lot of aerial production in the loss; combined, quarterbacks Jamie Newman and Sam Hartman tag teamed it for 423 passing yards and five touchdown throws, with Sage Surratt concluding the contest with three TD hauls and 196 yards on just a dozen catches.

Memphis (5-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Tulane (Oct. 19)

Memphis lost a tough one to Temple on Saturday, falling to the Owls 30-28 in a pivotal AAC clash. Brady White, as always, posted big numbers in the losing bid, going 28 for 43 for 363 yards, two TD passes and one INT. The MVP on offense for the Tigers, however, had to be running back Kenneth Gainwell, who not only led Memphis with 106 yards and one score on 19 carries but was also the team’s top receiver, finishing the losing effort with 98 yards on eight catches. Of course, when you’re fumbling the ball away three times a game, though, there’s bound to be some concerns about the team’s viability in the closest thing college football has to WCW’s cruiserweight division circa 1996, ain’t there?


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