Sunday, October 6, 2019

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play From Week 5's Raiders vs. Bears Game

This Week's Episode:
"London Calling"

By: Jimbo X

NOTE — I got a pretty late start working on this, so I didn't even bother doing the live updates or the requisite pre-game notes for this week's """"""""home game"""""""" in London. Still, I kept an online log throughout the contest, and figured you'd get a kick out of reading my live stream of conciousness thoughts on the game, regardless. Bottoms up, kids! 


1:10 p.m. - Raiders set to return to get the game underway. It's a touchback.

1:10 p.m. - First and 10 from the 20. Doss hauls in the pass for about five yards.

1:11 p.m. - Second and six. Jacobs gets about three on the run up the gut.

1:11 p.m. - Third and one. Ingold gets two yards up the gut to move the sticks.

1:11 p.m. - First and 10 from the 37. Jacobs gets maybe a yard on the run.

1:12 p.m. - Second and nine. DAVIS WITH A HUGE PICK UP DEEP IN BEARS' TERRITORY! A 21-yard gain right there.

1:13 p.m. - First and 10 from the CHI 41. Waller should have enough for a new set of downs.

1:13 p.m. - Second and one. Jacobs runs for about four to move  the sticks.

1:14 p.m. - First and 10 from the CHI 28. Jacobs with no gain on the play. 

1:15 p.m. - And it looks like Nick Williams on the Bears is injured. Time for a couple of Modelo commercials, then.

1:17 p.m. - Hey, is Jussie Smollet still on Empire? Also, that wasn' Nick Williams injured, it was the guy named Akeem or something.

1:18 p.m. - Second and 10. The pass to Refrow is no good.

1:19 p.m. - Third and 10. The Bears call a timeout.

1:20 p.m. - I never thought I could hate a commercial with both Sesame Street muppets and J. Jonah Jameson in it, yet here we are.

1:21 p.m. - Richard with the pick up for a seven yard gain. But a flag is down.

1:22 p.m. - An unneccesary roughness call on Incognito. Imagine that.

1:22 p.m. - That puts them back 15 yards, so the Raiders have to punt.

1:22 p.m. - It'll be a touchback for Chicago.

1:23 p.m. - Swing pass, and it's only good for about three for the Bears.

1:25 p.m. - Second and seven. Montgomery gets maybe a yard on the run.

1:25 p.m. - Third and six. Montgomery picks up the first down pass.

1:26 p.m. - An 11-yard pick up. Then a false start flag pushes Chicago back five.

1:27 p.m. - First and 15 at the CHI 30. Robinson hauls in the 19-yard pass.

1:27 p.m. - Second and five around midfield. Montgomery gets about three yards on the run. But it's called back on offensive holding.

1:29 p.m. - Second and 15, back in Chicago territory again.

1:29 p.m. - AND CROSBY SACKS DANIEL! That's a five-yard loss right there.

1:30 p.m. - Third and 20 at the CHI 38. The pass is good, but it's about 10 yards shy of the first down markers.

1:31 p.m. - Renfrow fair catches it at the OAK 9.

1:32 p.m. - No, the Impossible Whopper does NOT taste like real beef, and I don't care what the commercials say.

1:33 p.m. - First and 10. Jacobs gets three, four on the run.

1:34 p.m. - Second and seven. Jacobs gets about six on the swing pass.

1:34 p.m. - Third and one. Jacobs with a HUGE sideline run! A 22-yard gain.

1:35 p.m. - First and 10 at the OAK 40. Washington picks up a 10-yard pass to move the sticks.

1:36 p.m - Washington hauls in the pass for no gain.

1:36 p.m. - Second and 10 around midfield.Washington runs it up the gut for about three.

1:37 p.m. - Third and six. Derek Carrier is wide open and he gets a damn near 20-yard pick up.

1:38 p.m. - First and 10 at the CHI 26. Richard runs for about nine.

1:38 p.m. - Second and one. Richard runs for about five to move the sticks.

1:39 p.m. - Holy shit, the Geico commercial with the witch and the cat bitch is scary.

1:40 p.m. - Hey, Smackdown! is now on Fox. Watch it on Friday nights, because' you're a dateless incel.

1:41 p.m. - Start of the second quarter. TOUCHDOWN JOSH JACOBS! A blistering 15-yard touchdown, and the dude went UNTOUCHED into the end zone.

1:43 p.m. - And Carlson's XP is good. The Raiders take the lead 7-0 with 14:55 to go in the first half.

1:44 p.m. - The Bears will take over around their own 25.

1:45 p.m. - That Oklahoma/Texas game ought to be pretty good on Saturday.

1:46 p.m. - Montgomery runs for about five. Time for a game break.

Fun fact: this is the way Jon's Gruden face ALWAYS looks.

1:46 p.m. - Hey, the Vikings are up 10-0 on the Giants. Who'd thunk it. 

1:46 p.m. - The jet sweep gets one yard for Chicago.

1:46 p.m. - Third and five at the CHI 30. MORROW WITH AN EASY INTERCEPTION OFF DANIEL!

1:47 p.m. - First and 10 from the CHI 24. Jacobs gets three yards on the run.

1:48 p.m. - Second and seven. Jacobs runs for about three, maybe four, before getting tripped up.

1:49 p.m. - Third and three. Richard in the backfield. And the pass to Foster Moreau is GOOD. That gets the Raiders a new set of downs.

1:49 p.m. - First and 10 from the CHI 12. Washington runs for about five.

1:49 p.m. - Second and five from the CHI 7. Washington runs for about two.

1:50 p.m. - Third and three. The Raiders call a timeout.

1:51 p.m. - Carr's under pressure and has to toss the ball away. A flag is down.

1:52 p.m. - HOLDING AGAINST THE BEARS! The Raiders got an automatic first down at the CHI 1.


1:54 p.m. - Carlson's XP is good. The Raiders extend their lead to 14-0 with about 10 minutes left in the half.

1:56 p.m. - Patterson steps out of bounds near the CHI 20.

1:57 p.m. - And the ball carrier goes down behind the line.

1:58 p.m. - Second and 11. Montgomery runs for about five.

1:59 p.m. - Third and five. And DANIEL GETS SACKED AGAIN!

2:00 p.m. - The Bears lose nine yards and they've got to punt again.

2:00 p.m. - And Davis steps out of bounds in CHI territory

2:02 p.m. - And Carr scrambles for about nine on a QB keeper.

2:03 p.m. - Second and one. And Washington gets enough to move the chains.

2:04 p.m. - Jacobs is in the back with an elbow injury, apparently.

2:04 p.m. - OK, he's back on the sideline now. First and 10 from the CHI 40.

2:04 p.m. - And Washington gets about eight on the pass. 

2:05 p.m. - Second and two. And Washington has enough to move the chains again.

2:06 p.m. - First and 10, near the CHI 30. Doss hauls in the short pass for about six yards.

2:06 p.m. - Second and three. Jacobs gets a yard, maybe.

2:07 p.m. - Third and one. The Raiders call a timeout.

2:09 p.m. - Still third and one. And Jacobs EASILY converts.

2:10 p.m. - First and 10 around the CHI 20. Jacobs run out of bounds behind the line, but a flag is down.

2:11 p.m. - Holding against the Raiders. And a chop block pushes them back 15 yards.

2:11 p.m. - First and 25 from around the CHI 35. The pass falls incomplete.

2:11 p.m. - Second and 25. The pass to Renfrow falls incomplete, too.

2:12 p.m. - Third and 25. Richard goes down around the CHI 20. Not enough for a first down, but it puts them in good position for a field goal.

2:13 p.m. - Fourth and 14 and the field goal unit is out.

2:16 p.m. - It's a 41-yard attempt. And it's good. The Raiders extend their lead to 17-0 with 1:56 left in the first half.

2:17 p.m. - Patterson gets upended around the CHI 32 on the return.

2:18 p.m. - And DANIEL IS SACKED AGAIN! That's a 12-yard loss, at the minimum.

2:18 p.m. - Second and 25. The back runs for about three.

2:19 p.m. - Third and 21. The receiver is knocked out of bounds. He is WAY short of moving the sticks.

2:20 p.m. - The ball rolls out of bounds around the OAK 32, I think.

2:22 p.m. - The Raiders take a knee and just run out the clock. They head into halftime with a 17-0 lead, which is something I think we ALL expected out of this one.

Boy, I'm sure nothing crazy will happen in the second half, like the Bears scoring 21 unanswered only for the Raiders to come storming back in the final two minutes of the game and winning 24-21 or anything like that ...

2:24 p.m. - Alright. Time to walk a puppy. See you back here in 15, folks.

2:37 p.m. - Bears set to get the ball back to begin the third. The Bears will take the touchback.

2:38 p.m. - And Montgomery gets hit behind the line for Morrow for no gain.

2:38 p.m. - Second and 10. Daniel's rollout pass falls incomplete.

2:39 p.m. - Third and 10 at the CHI 25. And Miller bobbles what would've been an easy first down pass. Chicago's gotta' punt.

2:40 p.m. - The Raiders fair catch it at the 25. 

2:41 p.m. - First and 10. Jacobs runs for about five, maybe six.

2:42 p.m. - Second and four. So Carr tosses the ball to Jacobs, but the ball flies all the way back to the OAK 20 and Khalil Mack recovers the ball. Well, that was weird.

2:43 p.m. - Bears at the OAK 14. The end zone pass is no good, but a flag is down.

2:44 p.m. - Obvious holding call against the Raiders. The Bears accept the pass interference penalty.

2:45 p.m. - First and goal at the five. The back gets four on the run.

2:45 p.m. - Second and one. And Montgomery easily scooches it in for a touchdown.

2:46 p.m. - The XP is good. It's Oakland 17, Chicago 7 with 12:43 left in the third quarter.

2:48 p.m. - Alright, the Raiders get the ball back. It'll be a touchback.

2:49 p.m. - First and 10 at the 25. It's a nine-yard pass to Darren Waller.

2:50 p.m. - Second and one. Jacobs runs it up the gut for three. That'll move the sticks.

2:50 p.m. - First and 10 at the OAK 37. The pass is incomplete under pressure.

2:50 p.m. - Second and 10. Th Raiders get hit with a five-yard delay of game penalty.

2:51 p.m. - Second and 15. Davis with about six yards on the catch.

2:51 p.m. - Third and 11, actually. Waller picks up the pass, but it's about five yards short of the first down markers.

2:53 p.m. - Bears take over at their own 11 after the punt.

2:54 p.m. - Montgomery gains a yard, if he's lucky.

2:55 p.m. - Second and eight. Miller gets enough to move the sticks.

2:56 p.m. - First and 10 around the CHI 25. Daniel runs for about four and takes it out of bounds.

2:56 p.m. - Second and eight. So it was a two-yard run, actually.

2:57 p.m. - Montgomery is hit behind the line for a loss.

2:57 p.m. - Third and nine. And it looks like the tight end has enough to move the chains.

2:58 p.m. - First and 10 at the CHI 35. The swing pass falls incomplete.

2:58 p.m. - Second and 10. And the tight end gets 16 yards on the catch.

2:59 p.m. - First down around midfield. Miller gets five on the catch.

2:59 p.m. - Second and six. The back is about two yards shy of the first down marker.

3:00 p.m. - Third and two. And Miller hauls it in for a 32-yard gain.

3:01 p.m. - First and 10 at the OAK 9. Patterson gets about five on the jet sweep.

3:01 p.m. - Second and five. And Daniel takes Robinson for the easy touchdown strike.

3:02 p.m. - There's a lot of Bears fans in London. Then again, there's a lot of shitty people in London, too, so that kinda' makes sense, I guess.

Naturally, this looks means one of two things: either the Raiders are about to make a mad comeback on offense, or somebody's about to get a thorough, Christian pussy-eatin'. 

3:03 p.m. - The XP is good. It's 17-14, Raiders, with 3:56 left in the third.

3:06 p.m. - It'll be a touchback for the Raiders.

3:07 p.m. - First and 10. And Jacobs gets eight yards on the run.

3:07 p.m. - And Davis with a 15 yard gain on the pass. He goes out of bounds at the OAK 47.

3:08 p.m. - Jacobs runs for close to seven. But a flag is down; a ten-yard penalty against Rodney Hudson.

3:09 p.m. - First and 18. Jacobs gets about five on the screenpass.

3:10 p.m. - Second and 14. Mack sends pressure and Carr dunks it. No intentional grounding call.

3:10 p.m. - The safety blitz forces Carr to chunk it again. The pass falls incomplete, and the Raiders have to punt.

3:11 p.m. - And, of course, the Bears' return man takes it about 80 yards. Fuck my fuckin' life.

3:12 p.m. - First and 10 at the OAK 16. And Robinson hauls in the touchdown. A flag is down.

3:14 p.m. - Taunting call against Chicago, but the TD stands. Chicago takes the lead, 21-17.

3:15 p.m. - So, yeah, the Bears have score 21 unanswered in the last 14 minutes. God fuckin' damn it.

3:16 p.m. - And Davis takes the return out to midfield. So there is some hope there, I suppose.

3:19 p.m. - There's a penalty against the Bears on the 51-yard return. So Oakland takes over at the CHI 35. 

3:20 p.m. - Jacobs runs for two.

3:21 p.m. - Second and eight. Jacobs picks up the 12 yard pass. First down for the Raiders.

3:21 p.m. - And that's the end of the third quarter. 

3:22 p.m. - First and 10 at the OAK 22. Waller pushes forward for the first down.

3:24 p.m. - First and 10 for the Raiders. Jacobs churns for about four, and flags are down.

3:24 p.m. - Holding against the Bears. Automatic first down for the Raiders.

3:25 p.m. - First and like, 4 for thr Raiders. And holy fucking shit, Davis fumbles the TD pass at the one-yard line. Are you fucking kidding me.

3:26 p.m. - Montgomery hit at the line.

3:29 p.m. - Second and 10. Montgomery runs for about six.

3:30 p.m. - Third and five. Obvious false start call against the Bears.

3:31 p.m. - Third and, like, seven. The sideline judge says that Robinson reeled in a 32-yard sideline catch. But Gruden is challenging it.

3:32 p.m. - The play stands as a catch.

3:34 p.m. - And Montgomery gets creamed behind the line of scrimmage. A 10-yard holding penalty against the Bears.

3:35 p.m. - First and 20 back at the CHI 25. Burton gets about four on the catch.

3:36 p.m. - Second and 16.  AND WORLEY REELS IN AN INTERCEPTION!


3:37 p.m. - Automatic first down for Chicago. Bears at the CHI 44. Miller gets about five on the pass.

3:38 p.m. - Second and four. Robinson is about a yard or two shy of the first down marker.


3:40 p.m. - Bears call a timeout. This some of the most shit officiating I've ever seen in a fuckin' football game.

3:41 p.m. - Montgomery spins for about five.

3:42 p.m. - Second and seven. Holtz drops the pass.

3:42 p.m. - Third and seven. The Raiders call a timeout.

3:43 p.m. - Burton catches the pass, but he's way short of the first down marker.

3:44 p.m. - Hunter Renfrow is the return man. Then the Bears get hit with a false start penalty.

3:45 p.m. - And the Bears down it around the OAK 2. 

3:46 p.m. - And Josh Jacobs breaks off a damn near 17 yard run.

3:48 p.m. - First and 10 near the OAK 20. Moraue gets about two on the quick pass.

3:49 p.m. - Second and eight. The pass flies off the hands of Waller.

3:49 p.m. - Third and eight. Carrier picks up the pass, but it's way short of the line. Raiders have to punt.

3:50 p.m. - A defender runs into the kicker and there's a late flag.

3:51 p.m. - Running into the kicker on Chicago. It's fourth and one. Should've been a 15-yard personal foul. 

3:52 p.m. - The Raiders convert on a fake run up the middle BUT THE BALL COMES OUT AND THE BEARS RECOVER. THIS IS GODDAMN UNFATHOMABLE.

3:53 p.m. - THE BALL CAME OUT AFTER THE BALL CARRIER'S ELBOW WAS DOWN. The Raiders SHOULD maintain possession.

3:54 p.m. - This game has given me five heart attacks. I've almost rage quit this shit nine times by now.


3:56 p.m. - Jacobs spins for about seven.

3:57 p.m. - Second and two. He might have one on the run up the gut.

4:01 p.m. - So Refrow picks up a 13 yard pass and Moraeau hauls it in at the 2. And that brings us to the two-minute warning.

4:04 p.m. - AND JACOBS LEAPS INTO THE END ZONE FOR THE TOUCHDOWN! The kicks is good. The Raiders take the 24-21 lead with 1:57 left in regulation.

I don't really have anything funny to say about this, just rest assured that after today's game, Josh Jacobs is EASILY my favorite black person now.

4:06 p.m. - Robinson gets a 17 yard pick up.

4:07 p.m. - Second and five, and Holtz crosses midfield.

4:08 p.m. - First and 10 at the OAK 47. Daniel gets chased down in the backfield and throws it away.

4:09 p.m. - Arden Key is down for the Raiders. 1:22 left on the clock as we take an injury timeout.

4:10 p.m. - Second and 10. CONLEY WITH THE INTERCEPTION!

4:11 p.m. - Jacobs runs for about two. The Bears call a timeout.

4:12 p.m. - Second and eight. Jacobs gets about four on the run. The Bears call their final timeout.

4:13 p.m. - Third and six. Jacobs is about two yards shy of the sticks. 

4:14 p.m. - Raiders out to punt. Less than 30 seconds lef in the game. And the return man goes down inside the Chicago 20.

4:15 p.m. - First and 10. Thirteen seconds on the clock. At the CHI 20. Cohen goes out of bounds with eight seconds left.

4:16 p.m. - Second and three. The pass goes WAY incomplete. Three seconds left on the clock.


4:18 p.m. - And the Raiders improve to 3-2 on the year. That's two major upsets ON THE ROAD for the Raiders, who will have a bye next week. 

4:19 p.m. - What a fuckin' game that probably took a couple of years off my life. 

4:20 p.m. - All I can say is, holy shit, I *LOVE* football, with a passion.


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