Sunday, October 27, 2019

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play from Week 8's Raiders vs. Texans Game!

This Week's Episode:
"EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas ..."

By: Jimbo X

It's that time of year again, folks! After an off-season that was eventful, to say the least, the 2019-2020 Oakland Raiders season is officially underway, and needless to say, expectations have NEVER been lower for our beloved silver-and-black bedecked squadron. Because we here at The Internet Is In America are loyal traditionists to a "T" (and also, glutons for punishment), we're going to be doing our damnedest to bring you LIVE play-by-play coverage of EVERY single Oakland Raiders game of the season, continuing with this afternoon's road matchup against Indianapolis. So join us LIVE on SUNDAY, OCT. 27 starting at 4 p.m. Eastern time as our patented, award-winning, possession-by-possession coverage of week 8's Raiders vs. Texans game gets rolling. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff — and, as always, feel free to do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your online Raiders fans know what we're offering 'em by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Such, I assure you, is greatly appreciated — and something tells me we're gonna' need as much help as we can damn get this season, for sure.

3:00 p.m. - Alright, you godless Sodomites, kickoff is at 4:25 p.m. Eastern this evening. The 3-3 Raiders travel to Houston this afternoon to take on the 4-3 Texans, and holy shit, according to ESPN's Football Power Index, the Texans have an 81.4 percent chance of winning this sumbitch.

3:02 p.m. - Star halfback Joshua Jacobs, receiver Tyrell Williams and offensive tackle Trent Brown are all listed as questionable for the Raiders. MEanwhile, Center Gren Mancz and offensive tackle Tytus Howard are ruled out, while offensive tackle Roderick Johnson and cornerbacks Johnathan Joseph and Badley Roby are all listed as gametime decisions.

3:03 p.m. - Vegas has Houston as the -6 favorites, with the over/under set at 52.5. The money line is -275 favoring Houston.

3:04 p.m. - When it comes to offense, the two teams are fairly matched. Houston is putting up 278.9 yards of aerial offense per contest, while the Raiders are posting 241 passing yards per game. Running the rock, the Raiders have a slight edge, posting 137.8 yards per game compared to Houston's 134.1 per contest.

3:05 p.m. - And hey, what do you know, the defensive stats are pretty even, too. The Raiders are allowing 301.7 passing yards per game while the Texans are allowing 294.6 yards per game. And both teams are great stopping the run, with the Raiders allowing just 86.7 rushing yards per game and the Texans only allowing 84.3 per matchup.

3:07 p.m. - And, of course, there's that intriguing little quarterback matchup between Derek Carr and Deshaun Watson. The former has 1,410 yards so far this season with an 8-4 TD-to-INT split, while Watson has 1,952 yards in 2019, with a 13-5 TD-to-INT ratio.

3:08 p.m - And the rushing battle looks interesting, too, with Josh Jacobs (554 yards, four TDs) going cleat to cleat with Carlos Hyde (461 yards, two touchdowns.)

3:09 p.m. - And I'll be seeing you back here in about an hour, kids. Drink 'em if you've got 'em, but remember: drinking is actually kinda' stupid, when you really think about it for a while.

4:44 p.m. - Alright, so I'm late getting in again. So we're at the 9:15 minute mark of the first quarter and it's a scoreless game, with the Raiders getting their second offensive possession of the game now.

4:45 p.m. - We're at a third and three. Carr is 0-4 passing after the zip to Waller is broken up.

4:46 p.m. - The Texans return man goes down around the HOU 30.

4:48 p.m. - Wait, why didn't anybody tell me Willie Brown died this week?

4:49 p.m. - Hyde runs for two, maybe three.

4:49 p.m. - Second and seven. Looks like Mauro is walking off the field. The pass is good for five.

4:50 p.m. - Third and two. The shoot to Stills is ALMOST intercepted. Fuck, if the defender held onto that, it would've been a pick six.

4:51 p.m. - Texans gotta punt.

4:52 p.m. - Harris goes down around the OAK 25, but flags are down.

4:52 p.m. - Yep, it's against the Raiders.

4:52 p.m. - Jacobs spins for maybe a yard or two. 

4:53 p.m. - Second and seven. The Raiders are pinned down inside their own 10.

4:53 p.m. - Carr hits Zay Jones for a 12-yard gain. He's a pick-up from the Bills, in case you were wondering.

4:54 p.m. - First and 10. Washington stumbles forward for about five.

4:55 p.m. - Second and six. Oh shit, Rodney Hudson is hurt.

4:57 p.m. - Andre James is in at center for Oakland. Washington runs for about five.

4:57 p.m. - Third and one. The fullback easily converts.

4:58 p.m. - First and 10 near the 30. Watt batts down the pass and tries to act tough for the camera, even though we all know he's secretly a closeted homosexual.

4:59 p.m. - Second and 10. Jacobs gets about four on the run. And Hudson is being carted off the field now. Just great.

5:00 p.m. - Third and six. TOUCHDOWN HUNTER REFROW! A 64-yard BOMB from Carr!

5:01 p.m. - The XP is good. The Raiders take the lead 7-0 with 3:40 left in the first.

5:03 p.m. - First and 10 for the Texans. Carlos runs for about nine.

5:03 p.m. - Second and nine, near the HOU 35. Hyde converts.

5:04 p.m. - First and 10, a the HOU 39. Flags are down before the snap.

5:05 p.m. - Offsides on the Raiders. That gives Houston five free yards.

5:05 p.m. - First and five. Fells takes it into Oakland territory, and more flags are on the field. 

5:05 p.m. - Facemask call against Karl Joseph. That puts Houston at the Oak 18.

5:05 p.m. - Hyde runs for about five on the first down run.

5:06 p.m. - Second and five. Watson gets chased down in the backfield and throws it away.

5:06 p.m. - Third and five. Johnson looks like he has the TD, but flags are down.

5:07 p.m. - The refs pick up the yellow hankey and the touchdown call stands.

5:08 p.m. - The XP is good. Houston ties it 7-7 with less than two minutes remaining in the first.

5:10 p.m. - The Raiders take over at their own 20 to begin the next drive.

5:10 p.m. - Jacobs gets dropped behind the line for a loss.

5:11 p.m. - Second and 11. Jacobs gets about seven yards on the catch.

5:11 p.m. - Third and four. The sideline shot to Waller is no good.

5:12 p.m. - Raiders have to punt. And the return man goes down within the HOU 20 to end the quarter.

This is LITERALLY how Jon Gruden brushes his teeth.

5:15 p.m. - First and 10. Johnson runs for about two, maybe three.

5:16 p.m. - And that's an incomplete pass on second down.

5:16 p.m. - Third and 10? OK, so apparently Johnson didn't get any yardage on the first down run. And Ferrell bats down the pass.

5:17 p.m. - Texans must punt. Davis calls for a fair catch at the OAK 30.

5:18 p.m. - Washington gets about five on the run.

5:18 p.m. - Second and four. Washington gets more than enough to move the sticks.

5:19 p.m. - Renfrow hauls in a quick pass for about six.

5:19 p.m. - Second and three. Washington appears to have garnered enough yardage to move the sticks.

5:20 p.m. - Raiders at midfield. Jacobs breaks off a damn near 25-yard run down the sideline.

5:21 p.m. - First and 10 at the HOU 25. Jacobs runs for abou four.

5:21 p.m. - Second and six. And the deep shot to Waller falls incomplete ... again.

5:22 p.m. - Third and six. Carr hits Zay Jones for a 15 yad gain.

5:23 p.m. - First and goal. Jacobs gets hit in the backfield for a two-yard loss.

5:24 p.m. - Second and goal. AND WALLER GETS THE TOUCHDOWN PASS!

5:25 p.m. - The XP is good. The Raiders retake the lead 14-7 with 9:36 left in the second quarter.

5:28 p.m. - The Texans take the touchback. Dwayne Harris looks like he'll be out for the rest of the game.

5:29 p.m. - Akins gets maybe two or three on the catch.

5:30 p.m. - Second and seven. Hyde gets five and appears about a yard shy of the first down marker.

5:31 p.m. - Third and one. Johnson converts, but a flag is down.

5:31 p.m. - An offensive holding penalty calls back the play for Houston.

5:31 p.m. - Third and 11. And Watson is SACKED! Even though, technically, he never went down, but what the fuck ever. I'll take it.

5:32 p.m. - The Texans out to punt. Trevor Davis is set to receive. He goes down just shy of the OAK 40. A flag is down.

5:33 p.m. - It's a holding call against the Raiders. That pushes them ten yards back.

5:35 p.m. - Empty backfield for the Raiders. Carr tags Waller for a huge gain, but flags are down.

5:35 p.m. - The play is wiped out by an offensive pass holding call. There goes the 31-yard pass.

5:36 p.m. - First and 20. Gruden is challenging the previous call.

5:39 p.m. - Gruden, of course, loses the challenge. And Jacobs gets tripped up in the backfield on the first down run.

5:40 p.m. - Second and 26. with the Raiders pinned down at their 12. And now they get hit with a delay of game penalty.

5:40 p.m. - Second and 31. Renfrow awkwardly stumbles forward for about 11.

5:41 p.m. - Third and 20. Davis gets about 15, well short of the first down marker. But on the plus side, one of the Texans appears to be injured.

5:42 p.m. - JJ Watt is also exciting the game for some reason, probably to get a quick dick suckin' in before halftime starts.

5:43 p.m. - Raiders punt. The Houston return man goes down at the Texans 20.

5:44 p.m. - Hyde gets maybe two yards on the run. A flag is down.

5:44 p.m. - Facemask call against the Raiders. A 15-yard penalty.

5:44 p.m. - Hopkins hauls in the pass in Raiders' territory. A 20-yard gain.

5:45 p.m. - Hopkins hauls in an eight yard pass down the sideline.

5:46 p.m. - Second and two. There's a false start call against the Texans.

5:46 p.m. - Second and seven. Hopkins has enough to move the sticks on a nine yard gain.

5:47 p.m. - The pass to Duke Johnson is overthrown.

5:47 p.m. - Second and 10. The end zone shot is broken up.

5:48 p.m. - Stills hauls in the ball around the OAK 20 for a new set of downs.

5:50 p.m. - Yep, Doctor Sleep looks like it's going to suck plenty.

5:51 p.m. - And Hyde runs into his own teammates and gets dropped for a six-yard loss.

5:52 p.m. - Second and 16. The pass to Akins is no good.

5:53 p.m. - Third and 16. Johnson gets dropped about 10 yards shy of the first down marker.

5:53 p.m. - A 33-yard field goal attempt is good. It's 14-10, Raiders, with one minue left in the quarter.

5:56 p.m. - Raiders have a minute to work with, starting off around their own 25.

5:57 p.m. - Carr hits Richard for a six yard gain, and Jalen steps out of bounds.

5:57 p.m. - Second and six. Waller with a four yard gain, then he steps out of bounds, too.

5:57 p.m. - Third and three. The pressure is on, and Carr's pass to Richard falls short.

5:58 p.m. - Raiders have to punt. The Texans return man goes out around the HOU 32.

5:59 p.m. - A flag is down. An illegal block in the back call against the Texans.

6:00 p.m. - First and 10 at the HOU 22. Watson almost sacked and scrambles for 11, but it's recalled on an offensive holding call.

6:00 p.m. - First and 20 at the HOU 12. Johnson runs it up the middle for four, maybe five yards.

6:01 p.m. - Looks like the Texans are just going to run out the clock.

6:01 p.m. - The Raiders maintain a 14-10 lead heading into halftime. Time for me to walk a puppy — see you back here in 15, folks.

And it's also a good time to get a Butterfinger. And be scared shitless by Butterfinger's needlessly creepy-ass commercials.

6:15 p.m. - The Texans start the first drive of the third quarter at their own 25.

6:16 p.m. - Watson scrambles for about four. And there's a false start call on Houston.

6:16 p.m. - Second and 12. Watson scrambles again and gets about four.

6:17 p.m. - Third and eight. Watson dives for the first, but his knee hits one yard short of the marker.

6:18 p.m. - The Texans are going for it on fourth and inches. Watson easily converts on the rollout run.

6:19 p.m. - First and 10. Watson hits Carter, who takes it all the way down to the OAK 15. A 47-yard gain.

6:20 p.m. - First and 10. Hyde gets stuffed behind the line.

6:20 p.m. - Second and 11. Watson tosses the pigskin WAY out of the end zone.

6:21 p.m. - Third and 11. And WATSON IS SACKED!

6:21 p.m. - A 40-yard field goal attempt. It's good. It's 14-13, Raiders, with 10:28 left in the third.

6:25 p.m. - First and 10 from the OAK 22. Jacobs runs for about one yard.

6:26 p.m. - Second and 10. Jacobs gets about five on the run up the gut.

6:26 p.m. - Third and five. CARR HITS WILLIAMS AT MIDFIELD FOR A 23-YARD GAIN!

6:27 p.m. - First and 10. Richard runs for about four.

6:27 p.m. - Second and seven. Carr with a deep shot to Williams, but the refs say it's an incompletion.


6:29 p.m. - That was incredible! Carr was just about to get sacked, and even better, Williams torched GAREON CONLEY for the score!

6:30 p.m. - The XP is good. The Raiders extend their lead to 21-13 with 7:53 left in the third.

6:33 p.m. - The Texans' return man goes down just short of the HOU 25.

6:33 p.m. - Johnson hauls it in for five, maybe six.

6:34 p.m. - Second and two. Hopkins hauls it in to move the sticks.

6:34 p.m. - Joyner DESTROYS Johnson at the line on a huge hit.

6:35 p.m. - Second and 10. Hopkin reels it in past midfield. A 13-yard gain.

6:36 p.m. - Johnson gets dropped in the backfield for a three-yard loss.

6:36 p.m. - Second and 13. False start on the Texans moves them back five.

6:37 p.m. - Second and 18. Hopkins gets about 15, maybe 16 on the pass.

6:38 p.m. - Third and three. Hopkins hauls in the first down pass, easily.

6:38 p.m. - First and 10. Hyde finds a hole and gains four on the play.

6:39 p.m. - Second and six. Carter can't hold on to the ball.

6:39 p.m. - Third and six. Johnson has enough to move the chains.

6:40 p.m. - Hyde fights for about six or seven yards.

6:41 p.m. - Second and three at the OAK 18. Hyde barely gets back to the line, fumbles the ball but Houston recovers.

6:41 p.m. - Third and one. Watson rolls right to move the sticks.

6:42 p.m. - Fells hauls in the pass at the OAK 5.

6:43 p.m. - Second and two. And that'll take us into the fourth quarter.

Well, the good news, I suppose, is that as long as he's benched, he's probably not going to rape anybody.

6:46 p.m. - Second and two at the OAK 4. Fells hauls in the TD pass from Watson.

6:47 p.m. - The Texans aren't going for two. The XP is good. It's Raiders 21, Texans 20 with 14 minutes of football left in regulation time.

6:50 p.m. - Touchback for the Raiders.

6:51 p.m. - Jacobs runs for about four, maybe five.

6:51 p.m. - Second and six. Jacobs gets more than enough to move the chains on the catch.

6:51 p.m. - First and 10. Moreau reels it in for about eight yards, but flags are down.

6:52 p.m. - Illegal hands to the face call against Houston. That makes it an automatic first down for the Raiders.

6:53 p.m. - Raiders at midfield. Jacobs runs for about four.

6:53 p.m. - Carr tags Richard for another big gain. Down at the Houston 30 now. 

6:54 p.m. - Renfrow spins for about four after the catch.

6:54 p.m. - Second and six. Jacobs gets stuffed behind the line.

6:55 p.m. - Third and seven. Raiders call a timeout.

6:58 p.m. - The pass to Waller is ALMOST intercepted. A scary throw from Carr.

6:59 p.m. - And Carlson makes good on the 44-yard field goal. It's 24-20 Raiders with 10:48 left in the fourth.

7:01 p.m. - Texans take over at their own 25. 

7:01 p.m. - Watson's pass falls incomplete. And flags are down in the backfield.

7:01 p.m. - Crosby gets hit was a roughing the passer penalty. Houston gets 15 free yards.

7:02 p.m. - The ball is at the HOU 40. Stills can't hold onto the pigskin.

7:02 p.m. - Second and 10. Hopkins appears to have enough for the first down.

7:03 p.m. - Hyde gets about five or six on the first down run.

7:03 p.m. - Second and five. A Texans player is down.

7:04 p.m. - Alright, let's enjoy some Pepsi commercials during the injury timeout, why don't we?

7:05 p.m. - Houston at the OAK 44. Hyde goes down behind the line for a loss.

7:06 p.m. - Third and six. And it looks like Hyde has enough to move the chains.

7:07 p.m. - Hyde runs for about nine.

7:08 p.m. - Second and one.  Hopkins hauls in the first down pass.

7:09 p.m. - First and 10, in the Raiders' red zone.

7:10 p.m. - Watson runs for about 11 yards, but flags are down. 

7:10 p.m. - Illegal contact against the Raiders. Automatic first down for the Raiders.

7:11 p.m. - First and goal. Watson appears to get sacked, only to rebound and LOB THE TOUCHDOWN PASS.

7:12 p.m. - It looks like Arden Key kicked Watson in the eyeball on the throw. Watson is VERY slow to get up.

7:13 p.m. - THE XP is good. Houston takes the lead, 27-24, with about six and a half minutes left in the game.

7:18 p.m. - The Raiders take over at their own 25.

7:18 p.m. - Jacobs runs for about seven on first down.

7:18 p.m. - Second and two. CARR TAGS WILLIAMS AT THE HOU 45. A 22-yard gain.

7:19 p.m. - First and 10. Williams can't hold on to the pass.

7:19 p.m. - Second and 10. Jacobs runs for 11, but flags are down.

7:20 p.m. - Offensive holding on the Raiders. There goes the first down.

7:21 p.m. - Second and 20. Washington gets maybe four on the catch.

7:21 p.m. - Third and 16. Williams can't hold onto it. Gruden is challenging for a defensive pass interference flag.

7:22 p.m. - OK, he isn't. Raiders punting instead.

7:25 p.m. - Hyde gets gobbled up after maybe a two-yard gain.

7:26 p.m. - Second and nine. Watson is in at quarterback.

7:26 p.m. - Hopkins hauls in the first down pass.

7:26 p.m. - Hyde runs down to the HOU 47 on a 20-yard gain.

7:27 p.m. - The Raiders call a timeout. Hyde runs for about three.

7:28 p.m. - The Raiders take their final timeout.

7:29 p.m. - Second and seven. And Fells hauls in the pass to move the sticks. And that'll take us to the two-minute warning.

It doesn't matter if you win or lose. What really matters is that you don't lose a goddamn eye while playing quarterback.

7:32 p.m. - Second and 11.  The Texans take a knee. Alright, it looks like they'll just run out the clock here.

7:33 p.m. - Our final in Houston? Texans 27, Raiders 24.

7:34 p.m. - All I can say is fuck pro football, fuck the state of Texas and fuck black people named Deshaun Watson. You know, like there are any white dudes in Van Nuys named Deshaun, anyway.

7:35 p.m. - And with that loss, the Raiders fall to 3-4 on the season.

7:36 p.m. - All I can say is I fuckin' HATE football, with a goddamn fuckin' passion.


Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.