Monday, November 25, 2019

How to Make Jimbo’s Low-Calorie POWER SALAD!

In which I show you how to make a super delicious, super filling 2.2-pound semi-vegetarian dish packing LESS than 1,200 calories!

By: Jimbo X

One of the things I really want to strive for in 2020 is eating healthier. Of course, considering I run a website that is literally 58 percent articles about new Taco Bell products and seasonal Little Debbie's snack cakes, you can see the intrinsic problem here.

Now, I did the body mass index math and figured I wasn’t exactly overweight — at about 5’10 and 155 pounds, the National Institutes of Health considers me to be a perfectly healthy 22 BMI motherfucker. Still, I feel like a fat slob with that 20 pound tire in my belly, so I’m making it a conscious effort o’mine to drop down to 135 before 2019 is up. Yeah, most people would wait until the new year began to get their derrieres into gear, but if you know me, you know I’m a proactive sumbitch in all facets. Besides, you can use this handy-dandy BMI visualizer for yourself — a CGI replica of the male human form just plain looks silkier and sexier at 135 than 155, and don’t none of you pricks try to argue to the contrary.

So I need to eat healthier, that’s a given. But to lose weight, that means I’ve also gotta reduce calorie intake, and that’s pretty problematic ‘cause I’m the kind of guy who likes to eat a TON of food. No lie, I have the duodenal capacity to put down three large pineapple and pepperoni pizzas in one sitting, so they idea of me being content with a plate of tofu cubes and a handful of kiwi slices on the side just ain’t cutting it. 

That puts me in a quandary that I’m sure a lot of other people are facing, but not quite sure how to Google. Basically, I’m looking to eat a LOT of food, but not a whole lot of food with a lot of calories, that’s a.) actually tasty and b.) actually filling. So after scouting around the Pinterest and the Reddit and not being able to find nothing, you know what I decided to do? That’s goddamn right, I started drawing up my OWN recipes for low-calorie foodstuffs intended for nutrition-conscious sorts who want to eat healthy, but also not eat like a pussy at the same time. 

And lo, the birth of what I’m calling JIMBO’S POWER SALAD, you mother fuckers.

People like to toss out the term “power salad” a lot, and yeah, it’s usually a bullshit term that don’t mean nothing. But when old Jimbo starts telling you about HIS power salad, I assure you, this ain’t no marketing geek-speak or self-promoting puffery. If you eat this stuff, you WILL get a rush of sheer nutritious power, you WON’T have any hankering for extra snacks and, best of all, if you follow my step-by-step assembly instructions, you’ll be able to consume this whole mofo for LESS than 1,200 calories. 

Sound like voodoo, or black magic, or heaven help us, the Atkins Diet? Horse shit, folks. All this is is being smart and resourceful with your foodstuffs, and keeping a keen eye on what you’re actually cramming down your cakehole. So let’s take a look at the basic ingredients, why don’t we?

As you can no doubt see with your own two peepers (or at least one of them, assuming you got poked in the eye in Iraq and lost a cornea of something), the JIMBO POWER SALAD is relatively light on ingredients. We’ve got a power pack of leafy greens, a packet of turkey pepperoni, some pickled jalapeno peppers, some sliced black olives, some mulched up pineapple and, the kicker to all of this, a big old container of Kroger-branded Jalfrezi coconut curry sauce, which we’ll be using as a de facto salad dressing or the whole she-bang.

But let’s examine each ingredient a little bit closer, why don’t we?

Up first, we’ve got the (obvious) base of the salad, a huge, 141-gram plastic container of Kroger-branded Power Greens. Basically, it’s a jumbled up assortment of baby spinach, mizuna, chard and kale, which — admittedly — aren’t the most flavorful forms of flora out there, but you can’t argue with the calorie count. This whole package contains just FORTY CALORIES, and since they do such a fantastic job soaking up all of the other ingredients, you really can’t even tell that you’re eating stuff that, gustatorily, feels like really bitter leaves plucked off a thornbush.

Next up on the docket, we’ve got a bag of Hormel turkey-roni, which is obviously a more health-conscious way of getting in some precious protein than the traditional pepperoni route. Doing some quick consumer math, the entire package comes out to about 150 grams, with the whole kit and kaboodle registering a fairly low cal count of just 350. It may not seem like a high quotient of protein at first glance, but trust me, once you dump this sumbitch over your greens, you’ll quickly realize that you are getting a fuck-ton of pepperoni for a shockingly meager caloric total. 

As for the other fruit and veggie adornments, I’ll keep it brief as we truck through the remaining ingredients. The pickled jalapenos here, allegedly, have a total calorie volume of zero, per the packaging, but I’m guessing that’s probably off, and no, not because I think Mexicans are inherently worse at math than the Anglos. I deduced that the full eight table-spoon can (with the accompanying pickle juice) likely comes out to about 60 cals in total, which is VERY efficient considering the bulk of the product in question. The black olives (which, I think we can all agree, are vastly superior to the green kind) also comes in weighing around eight tablespoons, with an official calorie volume of 60. And the pineapple mulch — offering a sweet riposte to the delightful bitterness of the olives and the pure tongue-torching intensity of the jalapeno peppers — comes in at about 244 grams and 140 calories for the entire package. So all in all, we’re getting a nice array of POWER SALAD accoutrements here, and with a total caloric impact that still doesn’t eclipse the 400 cal mark — and even better, we’re getting a whole hell of a lot of it, to boot.

Which brings us to the X-factor in all of this, the aforementioned Jalfrezi Coconut Curry Simmer Sauce. Taking a gander at the Kroger website, apparently this blend consists primarily of tomato pulp, bell peppers, coconut extract and a whole bunch of kooky spices, including cardamom, cumin, oregano and everybody’s favorite, fenugreek. So all that to say I have no earthly clue what it’s supposed to taste like, but rest assured it has a nice, chunky, smoky, savory and delightfully spicy kick to it that makes it a wonderful salad dressing substitute. And as for the calorie volume, the entire 244 gram offering comes in at just 480 cals — meaning this goliath, man-sized, semi-vegetarian dinner tipping the scales at 1,015 grams (that’s 2.237 pounds, in case you’re an American) has total net calorie impact of just 1,130. Just try and make a more calorie-light, mega-filling, health-conscious dish, and I will literally come to your house and suck your penis. Well, actually, I won’t, unless you’re a really hot goth twink, and even then, I ain’t swallowing. BUT ASIDES. 

Alright, time for some step-by-step instructions. First off, you’re going to need a VERY big pot for this sucker, the kind big enough that could literally wearing it over your head like a knight’s mask. If you don’t have one, your ass probably needs to hit up the Dollar Tree and start searching for one — but in a pinch, a medium sized hubcap ought to hold it, for our readers trying out this recipe in some of our finest third-world, wartorn struggling democracies. Obviously, step one is to dump in the POWERFUL GREENS, which you can tell really are powerful because they have fucking purple veins bulging out of them like roided-up heroin addicts. And no, before you ask, I have no idea which leaves are supposed to be kale and which ones are supposed to be chard — all I know is that they were probably grown by some guy named Qualib who smokes a lot of reefer and it cost me $4.99 plus state and local taxes, so stop it with the questions.

Step two entails adding the jalapeno peppers. You can opt to drain them beforehand if you want to cut out even more calories (or have an aversion to waterlogged veggies of any variety) but I decided to dump the whole can into the bowl as is. And yes, for your information, you DO have to add the ingredients in order to get the full effect of the thing. I’ll explain why in just a bit.

By the time you add in the black olives (once again, drained or undrained, we’re totally pro-choice around this parts), the POWER SALAD begins to start looking like its namesake. I mean, doesn’t that just look like a super edible, neon-hued tapestry of versatille foodstuffs? Cause it totally does to me, and I don’t really care about your opinion on the matter, neither.

Then we mix in the pineapple. OK, I ain’t gonna’ lie to you, this does look kinda’ gross. In fact, if I didn’t tell you this shit was pineapple upfront, you’d probably be all like “Damn, Jimbo, how come you gotta’ ruin a promising salad by dumping all that creamed corn in it?” Well, while Dole ain’t going to get any bonus points for aesthetics, the pineapple — as mushy looking as it may be — still serves a vital purpose in the salad, not only by adding some much needed sweetness to offset the jalapeno heat, but also adding some cultural vibrancy to the mostly green and black mix with a hearty splash of Hulk Hogan yellow … bruther.

See, I wasn’t bullshitting you about the staggering volume of turkey-roni here. And chew on this; this was the remaining volume even AFTER I feed my dog, like, a quarter of the package. At this point in the POWER SALAD assembly process, we’ve kinda’ reached the part that’s sorta like Captain Planet and the Planeteers, when all the goofy multicultural kids hoist their rings in the air and make the titualar, green-mulleted hero come to live. Which, by proxy, means that when power greens, black olives, jalapenos, pineapple chunks and turkey-roni combine forces, you know EXACTLY what gets summoned …

Yep, it’s Jezafari Coconut Curry dousin’ time, you assholes. Like I was saying earlier, I’m not entirely sure how to describe how this stuff tastes, except maybe saying it tastes like a light beef stew with a fuck ton of garlic and paprika in it — and, oh, without the beef, and without most of the vegetables. Ultimately, the whole thing has this really nice, flavorful, halfway-between-soup-and-dressing texture and mouthfeel to it, which definitely adds a fitting final touch to this hyper-masculine, calorie-light mega-meal. 

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Gee, golly, Jimbo, it sure is nice you drummed up this cacamamie, low-cal salad monstrosity, but does it actually TASTE good? And while we’re on the subject, why do you keep calling it a POWER SALAD anyway, you just got a hard-on for cliche marketing adverbs or something?”

Well, let me answer that two-fold question thusly. First, yes, I thought the salad itself was quite delicious and incredibly filling. As a matter of fact, I managed to put away the entire 2.2 pound mega-meal in one sitting (or, more accurately, one-standing-over-the-stove-while-my-girlfriend-played-World-of-Warcraft-for-half-an-hour) and I would definitely try my hand at a similar recipe in the not-too-distant future. 

Now, as for the power portion of the namesake, I ain’t bullshitting you, I really — honestly, genuinely, no lie — felt a certain burst of energy while I ate this thing. Now, I ain’t even going attempt to get into the pseudo-science why, but if I had to venture a guess, I’d reckon it’s because holy goddamn shit, is this thing spicy as a motherfucker. When you merge Mexican cuisine with Indian cuisine and buffer it only lightly with popular pizza toppings, the end result is one tongue-torching dinner, and this thing LITERALLY made the back of my head go numb. Yeah, I know it sounds like some nonsense I would make up, but I legitimately felt like I was getting my internal battery charged while putting down this sumbitch, and anytime you can break out into a sweat when it’s 34 degrees outside just by shoving a fork in your mouth ought to be celebrated as the triumph of post-post-postmodernism that it is. 

Of course, JIMBO’S POWER SALAD really can’t be considered a feast for all occasions, but I could easily see myself putting down about three or four of these — or some mild variation thereof — every year. I think it goes without saying that such a dish ain’t for all tastes, but if you’re looking for a high volume, low-calorie, somewhat health-conscious mega-meal that’ll sate the stomach of even the lardiest of lard-asses, I don’t know if you’re going to see any other recipe out there that gives you this much bang for your metaphorical buck.

Oh, and for those wondering, the total price tag of the culinary project came out to about $15, which is kinda’ mid-range high for one meal, but considering it’s tailor-made for sharing and multi-night snacking, you can sorta convince yourself that it’s worth the investment.
And for those curious about how “powerful” the anal aftermath of this dish is, per se? Well, it ain’t pleasant, but the rectal sting isn’t anywhere near as bad as I anticipated — and to be totally honest with you, it didn’t really taste all that bad when I started barfing it back up at 2 in the morning, either. So consider it a win-win-win across the board, really — and I promise ‘ya, you’ll regain the feeling in your neck and shoulders in just a few hours after your last bite, swear to Jesus.


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