Sunday, November 24, 2019

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play From Week 12's Raiders vs. Jets Game!

This Week's Episode:
"Start Spreadin' The News ..."

By: Jimbo X

It's that time of year again, folks! After an off-season that was eventful, to say the least, the 2019-2020 Oakland Raiders season is officially underway, and needless to say, expectations have NEVER been lower for our beloved silver-and-black bedecked squadron. Because we here at The Internet Is In America are loyal traditionists to a "T" (and also, glutons for punishment), we're going to be doing our damnedest to bring you LIVE play-by-play coverage of EVERY single Oakland Raiders game of the season, continuing with this afternoon's road matchup against Indianapolis. So join us LIVE on SUNDAY, NOV. 24 starting at 1 p.m. Eastern time as our patented, award-winning, possession-by-possession coverage of week 12's Raiders vs. Jets game gets rolling. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff — and, as always, feel free to do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your online Raiders fans know what we're offering 'em by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Such, I assure you, is greatly appreciated — and something tells me we're gonna' need as much help as we can damn get this season, for sure.

12:11 p.m. - We've got a 1 p.m. kickoff for the Raiders vs. Jets game this afternoon.

12:12 p.m. - ESPN's Football Power Index indicator gives the Raiders a 53.1 percent chance of winning this one. Meanwhile, Vegas has Oakland as a -3.5 favorie, with the money line set at -180, Raiders. The over/under, an hour before gametime, is 45.5.

12:13 p.m. - The Raiders have won three in a row and have a 6-4 record heading into the matchup with the 3-7 Jets. For the Raiders, safety Lamarcus Joyner is listed as questionable, while offensive tackled David Sharpe is a known scratch.

12:14 p.m. - For the Jets, safety Matthias Farley and linebacker Pul Worrilow are listed as doubtful, while offensive tackles Kelvin Beacum and Chuma Edoga, as well as defensive tackle Steve McLendon, are listed as questionable.

12:15 p.m. - The Jets, believe it or not, are in the middle of a two-game win streak. Offensively, they're putting up 201.9 passing yards per game and 72.1 rushing yards, while their D is alowing 270.4 passing yards and 79.1 rushing yards a game.

12:16 p.m. - For the Raiders, they're putting up 253 passing yards per game and posting 128.2 rushing yards, on average. Their D, however, is giving up 281.7 passing yards a game and 105.9 rushing yards a contest.

12:17 p.m. - When it comes to passing, Derek Carr has almost 2,500 passing yards, 15 TDs and five interceptions so far in 2019. Sam Darnold, conversely, has 1,600 yards, 11 TDs and 10 interceptions. 

12:18 p.m. - Josh Jacobs leads the Raiders in rushing with 923 yards and seven touchdowns, while Le'Veon Bell leads the Jets with 508 yards and hree touchdowns. Meanwhile, the top receiver for the Raiders so far this season is Darren Waller (666 yards and three TDs), while J. Crowder leads the Jets with 562 yards and three scores.

12:19 p.m. - Enjoy your breakfast, and I'll see you back here at 1 p.m., kids.

And to think; some of you motherfuckers wanted to trade him to the Giants in the offseason.

1:06 p.m. - The Jets win the coin toss and defer.

1:06 p.m. - Man, those are a lot of empty seats in the crowd. Davis takes a knee in the end zone.

1:07 p.m. - Raiders take over at their own 25. Jacobs makes it to the line, and no further.

1:07 p.m. - Second and 10. Zay Jones appears to be dropped for a loss on the quick pass.

1:08 p.m. - Third and 11. And Richard with a pitch and catch for about 15.

1:09 p.m. - Excellent use of the scren on that last play.

1:09 p.m. - Carr hits Renfrow for another easy first down.

1:09 p.m. - Raiders at midfield. Jacobs gets about three yards on the pass, maybe.

1:10 p.m. - Second and eight. Remember, it's raining in New Jersey.

1:10 p.m. - Jacobs runs for about two or three.

1:10 p.m. - Third and six, at the NYJ 43. WILLIAMS HAULS IT IN AT THE 31, with Carr avoiding the blitz.

1:11 p.m. - First and 10. Jacobs wrestles for about a yard or two.

1:12 p.m. - Second and eight. The sho to Derek Carrier down the sideline falls incomplete.

1:13 p.m. - Third and eight. Renfrow, very uncharacteristically, drops the pass.

1:14 p.m. - Here comes Daniel Carlson. It's a 48-yard attempt. It's good, and the Raiders take a 3-0 lead with 9:56 left in the first quarter.

1:17 p.m. - Jets take over at their own 25 yard line.

1:17 p.m. - Bell hauls it in at the OAK 48. A 23-yard pick up for Darnold.

1:18 p.m. - First and 10. Bell gets four, maybe five on the run up the gut.

1:18 p.m. - Second and six. Anderson goes out around the OAK 24. 

1:19 p.m. - That was a 24-yard gain, in case you were wondering.

1:20 p.m. - First and 10. Darnold runs out of bounds at the OAK 19.

1:21 p.m. - Second and five. Bell gets about two or three on the run.

1:21 p.m. - Third and two. He hits Thomas to move the sticks.

1:21 p.m. - First and goal. And Thomas scoots in for an easy eight-yard TD.

1:22 p.m. - The refs are reviewing something.

1:25 p.m. - Oh, offensive holding on the Jets negates the TD. What about that.

1:26 p.m. - First and goal at the 20. Darnold runs out of bounds at the 10-yard line.

1:27 p.m. - Second and goal. Bell run out of bounds around the OAK 5.

1:27 p.m. - Third and goal. Darnold throws on the run, and it just hits the grass.

1:28 p.m. - Jets have to settle for a field goal, after all. It's good.

1:29 p.m. - It's tied 3-3 with 5:02 left in the first.

1:31 p.m. - The Raiders take over at their 0wn 25.

1:31 p.m. - Carr hits Richard for an easy first down pass.

1:32 p.m. - The shot to Waller is incomplete. Richard appears to be injured.

1:33 p.m. - Second and 10 at the OAK 40. 

1:33 p.m. - Jacobs gets two, maybe three yards.

1:33 p.m. - Third and eight. Flags are down.

1:34 p.m. - False start on Richie Icognito.

1:34 p.m. - Third and 13. Williams drops the deep shot. FUCK.

1:35 p.m. - Raiders have to punt. And the ball comes to a stop at the NYJ 4.

1:37 p.m. - Bell gets maybe a yard on the run.

1:38 p.m. - Second and eight. Darnold, under pressure, hits Bell for a first down pick-up.

1:39 p.m. - Kelvin Beachum is down. Jordan ALMOST tagged Darnold for a safety.

1:40 p.m. - First and 10 at the NYJ 23. Bell dropped behind he line.

1:41 p.m. - Second and 10. Crowder moves the sticks and goes out of bounds after a 15-yard gain.

1:41 p.m. - First and 10 at the NYJ 38. Bell goes nowhere on the run.

1:42 p.m. - Second and nine. And that's the end of the quarter.

1:44 p.m. - Still second and nine. Griffin has enough to move the sticks on what appears to be an 11-yard gain. 

1:45 p.m. - And ANOTHER Jet player is down. It's Chuma Edoga, the tackle.

1:46 p.m. - First and 10 at midfield. Bell runs for about 11.

1:47 p.m. - Bell shakes a tackle and gets another 11 yard reception.

1:47 p.m. - First and 10. Bell gets about six on the run.

1:48 p.m. - Second and four. Looks like Powell has enough for a new set of downs.

1:49 p.m. - First and 10, inside the OAK 15. Powell takes it down to the nine.

1:49 p.m. - Second and five. DARNOLD GETS SACKED BACK AT THE 20!

1:50 p.m. - Unfortunately, flags are down. Hurst gets hit with a "roughing the passer" penalty ... on a sack. 

1:51 p.m. - Well, that was a bullshit call. 

1:51. p.m. - First and goal. And Darnold scoots in on a five-yard keeper.

1:52 p.m. - The XP is good. The Jets retake the lead, 10-3.

Personal foul on the Raiders: the defense hurt Sam Darnold's feelings.

1:54 p.m. - Raiders take over at their own 25.

1:55 p.m. - And Carr gets sacked. Oddly enough, there is no roughing the passer call on that one.

1:56 p.m. - Second and 18. And Jacobs runs for about 15 on his best effort of the day so far.

1:57 p.m. - Third and two. And Waller hauls it in near midfield to move the sticks.

1:58 p.m. - Waller with another first down gain, almost near the NYJ 30.

1:58 p.m. - Fist and 10. The end zone shot to Waller is no good.

1:59 p.m. - Second and 10. Washington gets about seven on the run.

1:59 p.m. - Third and two. Raiders call a timeout.

2:02 p.m. - Still third and two. The pass to Renfrow is incomplete, and he's slow to get up.

2:03 p.m. - No call on the Jets for hitting Hunter before the catch, of course.

2:04 p.m. - Carlson is out for a field goal attempt. It's a 43-yarder.

2:05 p.m. - The kick is no good.

2:06 p.m. - Jets take over at their own 43 yard line.

2:06 p.m. - Powell runs for about two or three yards.

2:06 p.m. - Second and seven. Powell gets maybe three or four on the catch.

2:07 p.m. - Third and two. And there's Gruden with the challenge flag.

2:08 p.m. - Time for a commercial break as the officials argue whether or not that was a completed pass.

2:09 p.m. - Holy shit, Jon Gruden actually won a challenge. Of course, the Jets make the first down throw on third and seven, anyway.

2:10 p.m. - Second and 10, at midfield. Powell runs for about eight.

2:11 p.m. - Another third and two for the Jets.

2:12 p.m. - Anderson hauls in the catch and goes down at the OAK 11.

2:12 p.m. - Powell gets hit behind the line by Whitehead.

2:13 p.m. - Second and 13. Crosby gets Darnold behind the line with a shoestring sack.

2:13 p.m. - Third and 15. Darnold under pressure and he just junks it away.

2:14 p.m. - Here comes the Jets' field goal unit. Ficken goes for a 35-yarder. It's good.

2:15 p.m. - The Jets extend their lead to 13-3 with about three minutes left in the first half.

2:15 p.m. - Davis goes down at the OAK 21 on the kick return.

2:16 p.m. - Jacobs runs for about four.

2:16 p.m. - Second and six. The pass bounces off Richard's hands. Have the Jets activated some kind of Madden cheat code for that shit?

2:17 p.m. - Third and six. And Richard gets hit for a loss. What the fuck was that. And there's the two-minute warning.

2:20 p.m. - The rain is starting to pour again in New York. There's a late flag on the return.

2:21 p.m. - Personal foul on the Raiders ... on the punter. Hot Christ.

2:22 p.m. - Jets have a first and 10 at the OAK 25. Bell gets, perhaps, three on the run.

2:22 p.m. - Second and eight. Montgomery is ruled out of bounds at the OAK 3.

2:22 p.m. - Nevermind, there's a holding call on the Jets. LOL.

2:23 p.m. - The Jets are now pushed back to the OAK 35, more or less.

2:24 p.m. - Second and 18. Crowder gets hit near the OAK 32 and goes down in-bounds.

2:24 p.m. - Third and 15. Darnold junks the pigskin under pressure.

2:25 p.m. - Fourth and 15. A 48-yard FG attempt by the Jets is NO GOOD.

2:26 p.m. - Forty seconds left in the quarter, and the Raiders take over at their own 38. Yeah, I'm thinkin it's time to air this sumbitch out.

2:27 p.m. - Richard gets five or six.

2:27 p.m. - Second and four. Carr spikes it.

2:27 p.m. - Third and three. The sideline shot to Waller falls short. 

2:28 p.m. - Fourth and four. The Raiders are punting. Looks like it rolls down to the NYJ 19.

2:29 p.m. - The Jets take a knee, and that's the end of the quarter.

2:30 p.m. - It's 13-3 Jets heading into halftime. Imma take a shit and see you folks back here in 20 minutes.

2:42 p.m. - Trent Green is such a hatin' cocksucker.

2:43 p.m. - Looks like the Jets will take over within their own 20.

2:44 p.m. - First and 10. Bell gets maybe five on the run.

2:45 p.m. - Damn, that's a lot of empty seats in the stands.

2:45 p.m. - Second and four. Bell gets about five, possibly six.

2:45 p.m. - First and 10. And Berrios gets pushed out of bounds at the OAK 1. I'm about to rage quit this fuckin' game.

2:46 p.m. - First and goal. And Griffin just walks it into the end zone.

2:47 p.m. - The XP is good. The Jets lead it 20-3 with less than 13 minutes left in the third.

TFW you just gave up an 69-yard pass from Sam fuckin' Darnold.

2:49 p.m. - Davis goes down at the 15. If the Raiders don't get a TD here, it's fuckin' over.

2:50 p.m. - Jacobs loses a yard on the run.

2:51 p.m. - Second and 10. Moreau gets five yards on the pass, maybe.

2:52 p.m. - Third and seven. And Carr scrambles for a first down.

2:53 p.m. - Jacobs runs for about seven.

2:53 p.m. - Second and three. Jacobs goes down behind the line, but flags are down.

2:54 p.m. - Holding on the Raiders. 

2:53 p.m. - Second and 13. Renfrow gets about 11 on the pass.

2:54 p.m. - Third and two. Jacobs should have JUST ENOUGH to move the chains.

2:55 p.m. - Oh fuck, it's a yard short. Fourth and one. 

2:55 p.m. - The Raiders are going for it. Ingold is ... short?

2:55 p.m. - It's short. Turnover on downs.

2:59 p.m. - Jon Gruden is challenging the spot of the ball.

3:00 p.m. - The call stands and the Raiders lose a timeout.

3:00 p.m. - Anderson hauls in the flea flicker pass inside the OAK 20.

3:01 p.m. - First and goal. Bell runs for about six.

3:01 p.m. - Second and goal. Bell gets pushed out of bounds at the one.

3:02 p.m. - What a shit of a game.

3:02 p.m. - Third and goal. Anderson hauls in the touchdown pass.

3:03 p.m. - The XP is good. Jets lead it 27-3 with less than seven minutes left in the third.

3:07 p.m. - Davis goes down at the OAK 11.

3:08 p.m. - So, of course, Derek Carr throws an INT, and the Jets make 33-3.

3:09 p.m. - The XP is good. It's 34-3, and there's no reason for me to keep watching this, but fuck it, I'm going to do it out of spite, anyway.

3:10 p.m. - You know what? For the rest of this game, I'm just going to talk about how much I want to fuck "Leah" from this Enbrel commercial. Mmm, goddamn, do I love the pretty-ugly, no-tittied, dork-redhead MILFs.

3:12 p.m. - Well, Renfrow has enough to move the sticks, anyway.

3:13 p.m. - So this whole thing is just an elaborate ruse to lull the Chiefs into a false sense of security for next week's game, right? RIGHT?!!?

3:14 p.m. - Second and 11. Carr tags Zay Jones for about seven.

3:14 p.m. - Third and four. The shot to Zay Jones is no good. How are there still 20 minutes left in this game.

3:17 p.m. - Jets pinned down at their own 15. Bell takes it up to the 18.

3:18 p.m. - Second and seven. Griffin gets hit at the line.

3:19 p.m. - Third and seven. The sideline shot is no dice, and the Jets have to punt for the first time today.

3:20 p.m. - And Davis gets hit at the 30 on the return.

3:21 p.m. - Mike Glennon is in at QB. That's the smartest thing Jon Gruden could do in a situation like this.

3:22 p.m. - Of course, Glennon fumbles the ball and Kolton Miller has to hop on it to save the turnover.

3:23 p.m. - Washington runs for about two or three.

3:23 p.m. - Second and eight. HOLY SHIT, GLENNON FUMBLES THE BALL AGAIN. This is like some cruel cosmological joke at this point.

3:23 p.m. - And that's the end of the third quarter, mercifully.

How fitting that Derek Carr's noggin obscures the logo to make it read "AIDS," eh?

3:25 p.m. - Richard gets about eight, but it's not enough to move the sticks. Time to punt.

3:25 p.m. - Also, expect Mike Glennon to get cut ASAP.

3:28 p.m. - You know, I just woke up this morning thinking "I'm not feeling it today." Consider this a self-fulfilling prophecy, folks.

3:29 p.m. - Powell runs it up the gut for about four.

3:30 p.m. - Darnold's deep pass is no good. Time for the Jets to punt.

3:31 p.m. - I mean, really, is there even a point to me doing this for the next 13 minutes?


3:33 p.m. - Well, at least the Jets get hit with an unsportsmanlike conduct call. And holy shit, Anderson looks like Marlon Wayans.

3:36 p.m. - Mike Glennon goes for a deep shot to William, but he can't hold on to it.

3:37 p.m. - Third and 11. Mike Glennon literally looks like a cancer patient with a mustache. And he throws like one, too.


3:38 p.m. - Man, this feels like something I should've been writing in 2012 or 2013, not the year fuckin' 2019.

3:40 p.m. - Fuck it, I'm just going to play 'Doom 2' until this fucker is over.

3:41 p.m. - Well, the good news, I suppose, is that the Raiders haven't lost MUC ground in the wildcard race, especially with the Colts losing and the Steelers POSSIBLY losing against the Bengals.

3:42 p.m. - Of course, after a loss like this, they BETTER goddamn beat the Chiefs next week. I mean, they goddamn HAVE TO.

3:43 p.m. - Another fourth and five situation for the Jets.

3:46 p.m. - Washington with an eight yard run. Not like it even remotely matters.

3:49 p.m. - Like that time I unprotected fucked that 300-pound girl in 2009 and forgot to pull out, let this game be something we NEVER speak of again.

3:49 p.m. - Glennon drops another ball. Richard picks up the ball three yards shy of the line of scrimmage.

3:50 p.m. - Third and five. Incomplete.

3:51 p.m. - There's 3:34 left in this turd of a game. Raiders' gotta punt.

4:02 p.m. - And CBS officially cuts off the feed and switches over to the Panthers and Saints game.

4:02 p.m. - Yep. This one is THAT over.

4:02 p.m. - Our final score? New York 34, Raiders 3.

4:02 p.m. - I goddamn fucking hate fuckin football with a fuckin' goddamn fuckin' passion.


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