ESPN and Bleacher Report can eat it — THESE are the only pro football rankings that matter, anywhere and everywhere.
By: Jimbo X
This Week’s Episode:
“It’s beginning to look a lot like Pissed-mas …”
THE ELITES
#001
Baltimore Ravens (10-2)
Season Point Differential: +187
In a potential Super Bowl preview, the Ravens bested the 49ers 20-17 Sunday thanks to a last second field goal from Justin Tucker. Lamar Jackson went 14 for 23 passing for 105 yards and one TD pass, additionally collecting 101 yards and one more score on 16 carries. Meanwhile, the Ravens’ pass defense looked pretty stout, holding Jimmy G. To just 165 passing yards — 157, factoring in the yardage lost to two sacks.
#002
New England Patriots (10-2)
Season Point Differential: +177
An allegedly flu-addled Patriots team got upset Sunday night, falling to the Texans 28-22. Still, Tom Brady had a hell of a game, going 24 for 47 for 326 yards, three TD passes and one interception, with top receiver Julian Edelman calling it a day with 106 yards on six catches. But yeah, about that Patriots’ O line that let Tom Terrific get sacked thrice for negative 23 yards …
#003
San Francisco 49ers (10-2)
Season Point Differential: +166
The 49ers fell to the Ravens 20-17 in a tough loss Sunday. While Jimmy G. (15 for 21, 165 yards, one TD pass) had less than riveting stats in the defeat, you can’t say the same thing about San Fran’s rushing attack. At the final horn, running back Raheem Mostert had 146 yards and one touchdown on 19 carries, bringing his seasonal total to 539 yards on just 92 touches.
#004
Kansas City Chiefs (8-4)
Season Point Differential: +083
The Kansas City Chiefs had no problem defeating arch rivals Oakland Sunday, walloping the Raiders 40-9 in an effortless home stand at Arrowhead Stadium. Patrick Mahomes went 15 for 29 for 175 yards in the win, in addition to notching up one rushing TD. Of all people, Darwin Thompson was the most productive rusher for K.C., ultimately accumulating 44 yards and one touchdown on 11 carries.
#005
Minnesota Vikings (8-4)
Season Point Differential: +077
The Vikes feel to Seattle 37 to 30 Monday night, in a game that saw Kirk Cousins go 22 for 38 for 276 yards, two TD passes and one INT. Still, Minnesota’s rushing offense AND defense completely shat the mattress in prime time, with “top” back Dalvin Cook struggling to amass 29 yards (and one score) on nine carries — while simultaneously allowing Seattle’s rushers to combine for 218 yards and two scores on the ground on 43 touches.
#006
Dallas Cowboys (6-6)
Season Point Differential: +074
Dak Prescott went 32 for 49 for 355 yards, two TD passes and one interception in the Cowboy’s 26-15 Thanksgiving loss to the Bills. Oh, and he got sacked four times for negative 32 yards, so LOL at the Cowboys’ O-line. Alas, despite the loss, the big names for Big D put in respectable numbers; Ezekiel Elliot had 71 yards on 12 carries, for one, while top receiver Amari Cooper called it a day with 85 yards on eight catches.
#007
Buffalo Bills (9-3)
Season Point Differential: +069
Exacting some measure of revenge for all those Super Bowls back in the ‘90s, the Bills triumphed 26-15 over the Cowboys on Thanksgiving. Josh Allen went 19 fro 24 for 231 yards and one TD in the win, plus he galloped for another 43 yards on the ground en route to one rushing score. Of course, the Bills’ secondary did look vulnerable — you know, letting Dak Prescott air it out for 355 yards and all ...
#008
New Orleans Saints (10-2)
Season Point Differential: +050
Drew Brees went 19 for 30 for 184 yards and one TD pass in the Saints’ 26-18 win over the Falcons, which OFFICIALLY gives New Orleans the NFC South crown. Jared Cook had 85 yards on three receptions in the win, while Alvin Kamara collected 61 yards on 11 carries. And holy shit, did the Saints’ defense make Matt Ryan EARN his Thanksgiving paycheck, sacking his ass no less than NINE times.
THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS
#009
Tennessee Titans (7-5)
Season Point Differential: +042
The Titans pounded Indianapolis 31-17 on Sunday, in a game that saw probable Comeback Player of the Year Ryan Tannehill go 17 for 22 for 182 yards and two touchdown passes. Of course, that sort of implies that Tannehill actually had an era of NFL greatness to reflect upon, which, yeah, is a stretch, no matter how you define it. Also, you fantasy players might want to take note of Derrick Henry; he concluded the outing with 149 yards and one score on 26 carries.
#010
Seattle Seahawks (10-2)
Season Point Differential: +036
The Seahawks find themselves holding onto the top spot in the NFC West following Monday night’s 37-30 win over Minnesota, which came on the heels of San Fran’s 20-17 loss to Baltimore earlier that afternoon. Russell Wilson went 21 for 31 for 240 yards in the primetime victory, ultimately nothing up two touchdown passes and one interception. And holy hell, did the Seahawks’ run game look potent, with Rashaad Penny (74 yards, 15 carries) and Chris Carson (102 yards, 23 carries) each collecting one touchdown a piece.
#011
Green Bay Packers (9-3)
Season Point Differential: +034
The Packers had no problems getting past the Giants Sunday, as Green Bay throttled New York 31-13 on the road. Aaron Rodgers has his best performance in quite some time, going 21 for 33 foe 243 yards and four TD passes, with Davante Adams hauling in two of them as part of his six-catch, 64-yard-day. Still, it was an unusual name that led GB in receiver numbers — that distinction goes to Allen “Don’t Call Me Lizard” Lazard, who exited the outing with 103 yards and one score on a mere three hauls.
#012
Los Angeles Rams (7-5)
Season Point Differential: +033
Jared Goff had 424 passing yards in the Rams’ 34-7 drubbing of Arizona Sunday. Ultimately, Goff finished the game 32 for 43 for two TD passes, with Robert Woods leading L.A. with 172 yards on 13 grabs. Meanwhile, fellow wideout Tyler Higbee had 107 yards and one score on seven catches, while Todd Gurley fell just five yards shy of a 100-yard rushing day, although he still managed to collect at least one touchdown on 19 carries.
#013
Houston Texans (8-4)
Season Point Differential: +022
Deshaun Watson and pals pulled off quite the upset Sunday night, defeating the reigning, defending Super Bowl Champions New England 28-22. Speaking of Watson, he concluded the game 18 for 25 for 234 yards and three TD passes, with receiver DeAndre Hopkins not only finishing the outing with 64 yards on five catches, but also lobbing a TD pass of his own in a neat-looking trick play. Still, Houston had a lot of trouble getting their run game established; at the final horn, top back Duke Johnson had a mere 36 yards on nine carries, with no trips into enemy end zone whatsoever.
#014
Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5)
Season Point Differential: +011
With Sunday’s 20-13 win over Cleveland, the Steelers currently find themselves temporarily nestled in the last playoffs slot in the AFC. We’ll see if the team can hold onto its narrow, narrow lead as December chugs along, but for the most part, Pittsburgh lacked mostly respectable against the Browns. Devlin Hodges went 14 for 21 for 212 yards in the win, collecting one TD pass and one INT in the process. And don’t look now, but upstart receiver James Worthington is turning into quite the workhorse; he concluded Sunday’s outing with an impressive 111 yards (and one score) on just four receptions.
#015
Chicago Bears (6-6)
Season Point Differential: +004
Mitchell “The Mitchell” Trubisky went 29 for 38 for 338 yards and three TD passes in the Bears’ 24-20 win over Detroit on Thanksgiving. Top Chicago receiver Anthony Miller called it an afternoon with 140 yards on nine catches, while top Bears ‘back David Montgomery said “I’m out” with 75 yards on 16 carries. Speaking of Montgomery, he also had 12 yards on two catches — including one that resulted in a touchdown.
#016
Indianapolis Colts (6-6)
Season Point Differential: +004
Jacoby “Whisker Biscuit” Brissett went 25 for 40 for 219 yards and one TD pass in the Colts’ 31-17 loss to Tennessee over the weekend. He also lobbed two costly interceptions and got sacked thrice, although Zach Pascal still had enough wiggle room to collected 109 yards on seven catches. And the Indy pass-rush, if nothing else, looked pretty solid, sacking Ryan Tannehill six times for a cumulative loss of 44 yards on the day.
THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK
#017
Los Angeles Chargers (4-8)
Season Point Differential: +003
Phil Rivers went 20 for 29 for 265 yards Sunday, but his two-TD, one-INT performance wasn’t enough to propel his Chargers over the Broncos. In the 23-20 loss, Phil R. got sacked three times for negative 21 yards on the day, although Mike Williams did look pretty decent, garnering 117 yards on just five receptions. And Melvin Gordon had respectable stats, too, finishing the losing bid with 99 yards on 20 carries.
#018
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-7)
Season Point Differential: -006
In a matchup pitting two of the four NFL teams with officially-licensed Publix sandwiches, the Buccaneers easily dispatched the Jaguars 28-11 on Sunday. Jameis Winston went 21 for 33 for 268 yards in the win, although he lobbed no touchdown passes during the performance. Still, that didn’t keep Breshad “RIP, Spellcheck” Perriman from nothing up 87 yards on five hauls, while Peyton Barber concluded the afternoon with two scores and 44 yards on 17 rushes.
#019
Philadelphia Eagles (5-7)
Season Point Differential: -010
The Eagles lost 37-31 to the Dolphins on Sunday, in a game Philadelphia had NO excuse to drop. Still, even in inexplicable defeat, Carson Wentz looked pretty good — for the most part — lobbing the rock for Philadelphia; at the final horn, he went 28 for 46 for 310 yards, three TD passes and one INT, with top receiver Alshon Jeffrey exiting the outing with 137 yards and one end zone visit on nine catches.
#020
Cleveland Browns (5-7)
Season Point Differential: -026
Baker Mayfield went 18 for 32 for 196 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio against the Steelers Sunday. In the 20-13 loss, Jarvis Landry had 76 yards on six catches, while Nick Chubb had 58 yards on 16 carries — albeit, without either player finding enemy end zone. Indeed, the only person to score a TD for Cleveland was Kareem Hunt, who concluded the contest with 46 rushing yards on seven carries and 19 receiving yards on five catches … and, to the best of our knowledge, no incidents of spousal abuse at any point in said contest.
#021
Detroit Lions (3-8-1)
Season Point Differential: -035
Back-up-back-up QB David Blough gave it his best, but he simply couldn’t will the Lions past Chicago on Thanksgiving. In the 24-20 loss, he went 22 for 38 for 280 yards, two TD passes and one interception, with top receiver Kenny Golladay collecting 158 yards and one score on just four catches. And Bo Scarbrough didn’t look that bad at running back, amassing a decent 83 yards on 21 carries — albeit, without any trips to the end zone, naturally.
#022
Denver Broncos (4-8)
Season Point Differential: -039
Drew Lock went 18 for 28 for 134 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT ratio as the Broncos bested the Chargers 23-20 over the weekend. Top receiver Courtland Sutton called it a game with 74 yards and two scores on four catches, while top running back Phillip Lindsay finished the outing with 58 yards on 17 carries. Looking especially potent on defense for Denver was Todd Davis, who finished the game with 10 tackles, including four solo efforts and one deflected pass, and Derek Wolfe, who recorded two of the three sacks on Philip Rivers Sunday.
#023
Carolina Panthers (5-7)
Season Point Differential: -040
Following the Panthers’ 29-21 loss to the Redskins, Carolina’s upper brass officially fired Ron Rivera, thus leaving generic bald black man Perry Fewell as the team’s interim head coach for the remainder of the season. Kyle Allen went 27 for 46 for two touchdowns and one interception in the loss, ultimately amassing 278 aerial yards — which you can go on ahead and roll back to 213, considering the seen times he was sacked for minus 65 yards on the day. And Great White Hope Christian McCaffrey likewise turned in a less than enthusing performance, producing a relatively ho-hum 44 yards on 14 carries and 58 yards as a receiver.
#024
Atlanta Falcons (3-9)
Season Point Differential: -063
Matt Ryan went 35 for 50 for 312 yards and two touchdown passes in the Falcons’ 26-18 loss to the Saints Thursday. Even worse, though, is that Matty Ice also lobbed two interceptions in defeat, and DEFINITELY worse than that is the fact that he got sacked NINE TIMES for negative 53 yards on the day, ultimately dialing his yardage down to just 259. All I can say is that with an O-line that porous, maybe Mr. Ryan ought to seriously think about upgrading his health insurance plan … maybe even his life insurance policy, at this juncture.
ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT
#025
Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8)
Season Point Differential: -072
Combined, Nick Foles and THE GARDNER MINSHEW II went 23 for 41 passing for 193 yards in the Jags’ 28-11 loss to Tampa Bay Sunday. That sum also entailed one TD pass, two interceptions and no less than FIVE sacks, ultimately totaling negative 47 yards on the day. And no, as obvious by the final score, Jacksonville’s rushing attack did not bail the team out, as Leonard Fournette could only muster 38 yards on 14 carries … with no touchdowns recorded, natch.
#026
New York Jets (4-8)
Season Point Differential: -076
Just one week after blowing out the Raiders 34-3, the Jets turn right back around and somehow lose 22-6 to a now 1-11 Bengals squad. Certainly, you can’t pin ALL of the blame on Sam Darnold, who went 28 for 48 for 239 yards in the loss; maybe we should chalk it up to the poor offensive line play, which not only gave up four sacks on the day, but only let Le’Veon Bell cut a rug for 32 yards on a mere 10 carries?
#027
Oakland Raiders (6-6)
Season Point Differential: -087
The perennial worst good team in pro football completely shit the bed against Kansas City over the weekend, falling 40-9 in an absolute shellacking. Derek Carr finished the game 20 for 30 for 222 yards, one TD pass and two interceptions, including a costly pick-six. Still, Josh Jacobs looked fantastic even in defeat, calling it a day with 104 yards on 17 carries. And, as always, you can relive my LIVE mental agony anytime you want right here, you sick, sick bastards.
#028
Arizona Cardinals (3-8-1)
Season Point Differential: -096
In the Cards’ 34-7 loss to the Rams, Kyler Murray went 19 for 43 for 163 yards, zero TD passes and one interceptions — and he also got sacked six times, for negative 39 yards. Still, he managed to get at least one rushing TD in the loss, while Larry Fitzgerald’s ancient ass led the team with 56 receiving yards on six catches. And with Arizona eliminated from playoffs contention, one has to wonder — while the upper brass look to draft yet ANOTHER first round quarterback come springtime 2020?
#029
New York Giants (2-10)
Season Point Differential: -109
Daniel Jones had a day to forget against the Packers on Sunday. In the demoralizing 31-13 loss, he went 20 for 37 for 240 yards, one TD pass and three interceptions, with Kaden Smith leading the receiving corps with 70 yards on six catches. Saquon Barkley looked decent in defeat, though, amassing a respectable 83 yards on 19 carries — albeit, without any trips into Green Bay’s end zone.
#030
Washington Redskins (3-9)
Season Point Differential: -117
If you’re looking for something to attribute Washington’s 29-21 win over Carolina to, don’t look towards Dwayne Haskins, who went 13 for 25 for 147 yards, no TD passes and ultimately ate five sacks on the day. Rather, you might want to chalk it up to the Redskins’ rushing attack, which outpaced the Panthers 248 to 65 on the ground. Leading the herd was Derrius Guice, with two touchdowns and 129 yards on 10 carries; Adrian Peterson wasn’t lagging too far behind, though, having amassed 99 yards and one score on 13 carries.
#031
Cincinnati Bengals (1-11)
Season Point Differential: -119
With Andy Dalton under center again, Cincinnati notched up their first win of the season Sunday, upsetting the Jets 22-6 at home. The Ginger Gunslinger went 22 for 37 for 243 yards and one touchdown pass in the win, with Joe Mixon garnering 44 yards and one end zone visit on 19 carries. And the Bengals’ defense looked uncharacteristically proficient, holding the Jets’ rushing attack to just 62 yards and sacking Sam Darnold no less than four times for minus 40 yards on the day.
#032
Miami Dolphins (3-9)
Season Point Differential: -177
The Fins rallied late Sunday, shocking the Philadelphia Eagles 37-31 in one of the biggest upsets of the NFL season thus far. Give Ryan Fitzpatrick the credit where it’s due; going 27 for 39 for 365 yards, three touchdown passes and one interception, you can probably overlook the three times he got sacked by Eagles’ defenders. Also looking quite good for the Orange and Teal? Receiver DaVante Parker, who has two touchdowns and 159 yards on seven receptions. Keep that kinda’ production up and Miami may not even be in the hunt for the first overall pick in the NFL draft come next year — all I can say is continue to win at your own peril, guys.
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