ESPN and Bleacher Report can eat it — THESE are the only pro football rankings that matter, anywhere and everywhere.
By: Jimbo X
This Week’s Episode:
“Dreams Die Hard, Son”
THE ELITES
#001
Baltimore Ravens (11-2)
Season Point Differential: +194
The Ravens prevailed 24-17 over the Bills on Sunday, in what may, inconceivably, be an AFC title game preview (pending some really kooky things happen between now and the middle of January, naturally.) As expected, MVP lock Lamar Jackson had stellar numbers in the win, closing out the contest 16 for 25 passing for 145 yards and three touchdowns, with an additional 40 yards on the ground accumulated via quarterback keepers.
#002
New England Patriots (10-3)
Season Point Differential: +170
Tom Brady went 19 for 36 for 169 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio in the Patriots 23-16 home loss to the Chiefs Sunday. The vaunted Patriots D — just a few weeks ago being touted by ESPN as quite possibly the greatest defensive unit in NFL history — certainly didn’t look it against K.C., as Patrick Mahomes shredded the secondary for 283 yards through the air.
#003
San Francisco 49ers (11-2)
Season Point Differential: +168
San Fran’s wild and woolly 48-46 win over the Saints Sunday was one of the craziest NFL games of the year. Needless to say, Jimmy G. looked pretty damn good in the live action adaptation of NFL Blitz, ultimately going 26 for 35 for 349 yards, four touchdown passes and one interception. Of course, we’ll try our best to not think about the three times he got sacked for negative 30 yards, overall, though …
#004
Kansas City Chiefs (9-4)
Season Point Differential: +090
The Chiefs bested the Pats 23-16 over the weekend, ultimately giving Kansas City it’s 19th consecutive or so AFC West title. Patrick Mahomes, broken arm or not, looked downright splendid against New England Sunday, going 26 for 40 for 283 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. Hell, it’s almost enough to make you overlook the team only amassing 75 yards not he ground, with LeSean McCoy nominally leading the herd with 39 yards on 11 touches.
#005
Minnesota Vikings (9-4)
Season Point Differential: +090
The Vikings pretty much stuck it inside the injury-hampered Lions on Sunday, limiting Detroit to just 161 yards passing and only 70 yards rushing in a 20-7 near-shutout. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins went 24 for 30 for 242 yards, lobbing one TD pass to Bisi “Literally Who?” Johnson, with top Vikes receiver calling Stefon Diggs calling it a day with 92 yards on six catches.
#006
Dallas Cowboys (6-7)
Season Point Differential: +067
The Cowboys fell 31-24 to the Bears on Thursday night, thus putting them sub-.500 in the win-loss record column. Of course, every other team in the NFC East is likewise sub-.500 in the win-loss record column, but surely, a talent-loaded Dallas team like this HAS to play substantially better in the final three games of the year if they want to even think about whiffing the postseason. I mean, sure, it’s neat and all that Dak Prescott had 334 passing yards in the loss, but when he’s only able to hit a receiver in enemy end zone once throughout the game, who gives a shit?
#007
Tennessee Titans (8-5)
Season Point Differential: +063
Don’t look now, but the Titans have won four in a row and look like they could LEGITIMATELY steal the AFC South crown from Houston over the next three weeks. On Sunday, Tennessee raw dogged the Raiders 42-21, in a game that saw Ryan Tannehill go 21 for 27 for 391 yards, three TDs and one interception, while running back Derrick Henry finished the contest with 103 yards and two scores on 18 carries DESPITE being injured for most of the game. Keep a close eye on this team, folks — something tells me if they sneak into the playoffs, they could upset the SHIT out of a whole lotta’ teams.
#008
Buffalo Bills (9-4)
Season Point Differential: +062
The Bills dropped a tough one 24-17 to the League-best Ravens on Sunday, in a game that saw Josh Allen go 17 for 39 for 146 yards and one TD — and also, get sacked a mere six times for negative 41 yards on the day. Pending the Bills get past the Steelers this weekend, Buffalo automatically earns itself a playoff spot — and as odd as it may sound, if the Patriots also lose to the Bengals this Sunday, somehow, the Bills would actually find themselves leading the AFC East. Or not, since the Pats already beat them once this season, but still.
THE PLAYOFFS HOPEFULS
#009
Los Angeles Rams (8-5)
Season Point Differential: +049
In kind of a big upset Sunday but not really, the Rams defeated the Seahawks 28-12 in L.A. Jared Good went 22 for 31 for 293 yards and a two-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, while Todd Gurley ultimately amassed 79 yards and one rushing score on 23 carries. Meanwhile, the Rams’ top receiver for the day wasn’t sober Woods, Brandin Cooks or even Cooper Kupp — rather, that noble distinction went to virtual unknown Tyler Higbee, who finished the outing with 116 yards on seven catches.
#010
New Orleans Saints (10-3)
Season Point Differential: +048
Yeah, the Saints may not have come out on top in Sunday’s batshit insane 48-46 loss to the 49ers, but there’s NO denying that Drew Brees had a hell of an outing despite the “L,” as the veteran QB went 29 for 40 for 349 yards and FIVE touchdown passes, including two that went to Jared Cook and one that went to Michael Thomas (who, ultimately, wrapped up the contest with 134 yards on 11 receptions.) Oh, and thanks to all of the other NFC South teams being a buncha’ shit, the Saints have already claimed the conference championship and by default, a spot in the NFC side of the playoffs.
#011
Green Bay Packers (10-3)
Season Point Differential: +039
The Redskins kept it surprisingly close, but the Packers nonetheless bested Washington 20-15 over the weekend. Aaron Rodgers went 18 for 28 passing for 195 yards and one TD pass, only getting sacked four times for negative 28 yards in the process. And holy shit, did Aaron Jones have a LITERAL field day against the Skins’ god-awful run defense, calling it a day with 134 yards and one rushing score on 16 carries.
#012
Los Angeles Chargers (5-8)
Season Point Differential: +038
The Chargers are probably the best team in the NFL with a sub-.500 record, which I know, is kinda’ like bragging about being the smartest retard in special ed, but still. Anyhoo, Phil Rivers and company made the Jags look like a buncha’ jag-offs in Sunday’s 45-10 route, with the Chargers’ QB going 16 for 22 for 314 yards and three TD passes. Hell, they even let Tyrod Taylor lob a TD pass for ‘em, which is probably the last one he’ll collect before having to play in the Canadian Football League, or possibly the new XFL, pending it lasts more than one season. Which, yeah, it almost certainly will not.
#013
Seattle Seahawks (10-3)
Season Point Differential: +020
Russell Wilson went 22 for 36 for 245 yards in the Seahawks’ 28-12 loss to the Rams Sunday. He lobbed no TD passed, got intercepted once and, perhaps worst of all, got sacked five times for negative 43 yards day, no doubt earning him the shower room nickname “Groceries” for the rest of the regular season. Adding injury to the insult? Not only did running back Rashaad Penny experience a season-ending injury, there’s some analysts out there who are already assessing his gruesome ACL tear to be a potential career-ender.
#014
Pittsburgh Steelers (8-5)
Season Point Differential: +017
Third-string QB Devlin Hodges went 16 for 19 for 152 yards and one TD pass in the Steelers’ 23-17 win over the Cardinals Sunday. Without any big name players anymore, Pittsburgh continues to win, with virtual nobodies like Diontae Johnson (60 yards, one TD six catches) and Kerrith Whyte (41 yards, five carries) doing what they’ve got to do to got another dub in the W-L column. With the Bills, Jets and Ravens remaining on their schedule, it’s pretty hard to not imagine this team finishing the year with AT LEAST a 9-7 record — which, considering how iffy the AFC has been this year, might be more than enough to slot ‘em into the playoffs.
#015
Chicago Bears (7-6)
Season Point Differential: +011
Mitchell “The Mitchell” Trubisky may have had the game of his NFL career Thursday night in Chicago’s 31-24 win over Dallas. At the final horn, the former Tar Heel went 23 for 31 for 244 yards, three TDs and one interception, in addition to running the rock ten times for 63 rushing yards and an additional score on the ground. But let’s not discount the efforts of legit running back David Montgomery, either, who did his part to keep the offense flowing with 86 yards on 20 carries — albeit, sans any trips into enemy end zone, though.
#016
Houston Texans (8-5)
Season Point Differential: +008
In one of the biggest upsets of the NFL season (so far) the Broncos beat the heavily-favored Texans 38-24 Sunday. Deshaun Watson had one of his less-inspired performances of the year, going 28 for 50 for 292 yards, one TD and two interceptions, in the process eating three sacks (just like yo’ mama) for negative 12 yards in total. Still, he did look pretty impressive running the rock, collecting two rushing touchdowns and 44 yards on six carries. And DeAndre Hopkins continues to churn out Pro Bowl-caliber numbers, finishing the weekend loss with 120 yards and one touchdown on seven receptions.
THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK
#017
Indianapolis Colts (6-7)
Season Point Differential: +001
The Colts lost even more playoffs ground Sunday when they lost 38-35 to Tampa Bay. In the loss, Jacoby “Whisker Biscuit” Brissett went 19 for 36 for 251 yards and two TD passes, with top receiver Marcus Johnson calling it a day with 105 yards and one score on just three receptions. Alas, there’s no denying Indy’s defense has some SERIOUS problems with its secondary, considering they let Jameis Winston’s washed-up ass toss the rock for 400-plus yards on ‘em.
#018
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-7)
Season Point Differential: -003
Tampa Bay beat Indy 38-35 on Sunday, in a game that saw Jameis Winston go 33 for 45 for 456 yards. Of course, in addition to his four TD passes he also lobbed three costly interceptions, but to his credit, he DID manage one more touchdown on a keeper to bring his total TD tally to five on the day. And give the Bucs’ defense some credit, I suppose, considering they managed to hold Marlon Mack to just 38 rushing yards all game.
#019
Philadelphia Eagles (6-7)
Season Point Differential: -004
With the Dallas Cowboys seemingly hell-bent on finding the most hilarious way possible to implode down the December stretch, the Philadelphia Eagles certainly improved their footing in the NFC East title hunt via Monday night’s thrilling 23-17 overtime win against the Giants. Carson Wentz went 33 for 50 for 325 yards and two TD passes in the victory, with top receiver Zach Ertz (91 yards, nine catches) hauling in both of the end zone grabs. And here’s a name you might want to remember, for future reference: Boston Scott. The Louisiana Tech product was quite the dual-threat asset for Philly, amassing 59 yards (and one score) on 10 carries and collecting another 69 yards on six catches.
#020
Cleveland Browns (6-7)
Season Point Differential: -018
The Browns kept their faint playoff hopes alive with Sunday’s 27-19 win over the Bengals. Baker Mayfield, however, played like an absolute chud in the victory, going 11 for 24 for 192 yards, no TD passes and two interceptions. Thankfully, Cleveland’s rushing attack was there to bail the offense out, with Nick Chubb collecting 106 yards on 15 carries and Kareem Hunt recording one TD and 28 yards on nine carries — hopefully, without beating up any women in the process.
#021
Denver Broncos (5-8)
Season Point Differential: -025
The Broncos are looking like a rejuvenated team with Drew Lock under center, as evident by the team’s shocking 38-24 win over Houston this weekend. The former Missouri Tiger went 22 for 27 for 309 yards, three touchdowns and one interception in the impressive victory, with top receiver Noah Fans calling it a contest with 113 yards and one score on four catches. And running back Phillip Lindsay, I suppose, didn’t look too bad either, amassing one score and 51 yards on 16 carries, overall.
#022
Atlanta Falcons (4-9)
Season Point Differential: -043
Matt Ryan went 20 for 34 for 313 yards and two touchdowns in the Falcons’ 40-20 win over Carolina Sunday. Of all possible people, Olamide Zaccheaus was the team’s top receiver, hauling in one TD pass and 93 yards on his ONLY catch of the game. Meanwhile, old standbys Calvin Ridley and Devonta Freeman looked fairly above adequate; the former called it a day with one score and 76 yards on five receptions, while the latter had one rushing TD and 84 yards on 17 carries.
#023
Detroit Lions (3-9-1)
Season Point Differential: -048
At this point in the season, the Lions just need to be put out of their misery. With David Blough under center, Detroit fell 20-7 to the Vikings on Sunday, in a game that saw the Lions’ back-up-back-up QB go 24 for 40 for 205 yards — only to get sacked five times for minus 44 yards on the day. And don’t even THINK the run game was gonna’ bail them out in this one, as Bo Scarbrough could only muster 65 touchdown-less yards on 19 carries throughout the contest.
#024
Carolina Panthers (5-8)
Season Point Differential: -069
Kyle Allen played pretty crappy in Sunday’s 40-20 loss to the Falcons. At the final horn, he went 28 for 41 for 293 yards, one TD and two interceptions, and thanks to his quasi-retarded O-line, he also got sacked five times for minus 48 yards overall. Still, Christian McCaffrey did what he could for the stagnant offense, amassing 53 yards on 11 carries and 82 yards as a receiver — albeit, without any corresponding trips to the end zone.
ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT
#025
New York Jets (5-8)
Season Point Differential: -075
Believe it or not, the Jets actually have the seemingly impossible statistical opportunity to finish the season with a .500 record following Sunday’s narrow 22-21 win over the Dolphins. Of course, to get to 8-8 that means New York would have to beat three teams with a winning record in a row, including the Steelers and both the Ravens and the Bills on the road. Still, as wacky as December football is, don’t be surprised if the Jets screw up and somehow get at least one win in their final three — maybe two, depending on how motivated Buffalo is heading into week 17.
#026
Arizona Cardinals (3-9-1)
Season Point Differential: -102
No, Kyler Murray didn’t have a career day in the Cards’ 23-17 loss to the Steelers Sunday. Ultimately, the ex-Sooner went 20 for 30 for 194 yards, lobbing two touchdown passes and three interceptions — and getting sacked five times for minus 29 yards overall. But, uh, on the plus side, at least receiver Christian Kirk played pretty well in the loss — he wrapped up the affair with 84 yards on eight receptions, after all.
#027
Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9)
Season Point Differential: -107
THE GARDNER MINSHEW II played like THE HOT GARBAGE II in Jacksonville’s inexcusable 45-10 loss to the Chargers Sunday. He ultimately went 24 for 37 for 162 yards and one touchdown, with no-name Nick O’Leary recording the only receiving score of the game for the Jags. For those curious (and I know, literally no one is), DJ Chark, Jr. led the team in receiving yards (with 75), while Leonard Fournette nominally led the Jags in rushing with 50 yards on 15 carries.
#028
Oakland Raiders (6-7)
Season Point Differential: -108
The Raiders fell 42-21 to the Titans Sunday in the second-to-last ever game at the Black Hole, making it three consecutive losses in a row for Oakland. A team that just three weeks ago was eyeing a potential AFC West title is now fighting for its playoff lives, and now down 6-7 on the year, the Raiders have to win their remaining three game of the year and hope lots of weird shit happens to the Titans, Steelers, Browns, Colts, Texans, Broncos and Chargers to even think of playing in January. And, as always, if you want to relive my misery and hatred LIVE as the game unfurled, feel free to empathize with me anytime you want right here.
#029
New York Giants (2-11)
Season Point Differential: -115
The Giants went into halftime Monday night with a 17-3 lead over the Eagles. Of course, Philadelphia would go on to score 14 unanswered to force the contest into extra innings, with the Eagles obviously putting the whole kit and caboodle away with a 23-17 overtime win. For a few quarters, at least, Eli Manning looked decent; in what may very well be one of his last games as a pro footballer, he ultimately concluded the contest 15 for 30 for 203 yards and two TD passes (both of which, by the way, went to receiver Darius Slayton, who had an impressive 154 yards on a mere five catches.)
#030
Washington Redskins (3-10)
Season Point Differential: -122
In Washington’s 20-15 loss to Green Bay Sunday, Dwayne Haskins went 16 for 27 for 170 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split. He also got sacked four times, resulting in minus 29 yards on the day. Not that it’s that much of a positive, but at least Adrian Peterson looked somewhat inspired on the gridiron, collecting 76 rushing yards and one TD on 20 carries — and receiver Terry McLaurin, who will no doubt be playing for a better team as soon as his contract is up, looked alright, too, recording 57 yards and one touchdown on four catches.
#031
Cincinnati Bengals (1-12)
Season Point Differential: -127
The Browns kept their faint playoff hopes alive with Sunday’s 27-19 win over the Bengals. Baker Mayfield, however, played like an absolute chud in the victory, going 11 for 24 for 192 yards, no TD passes and two interceptions. Thankfully, Cleveland’s rushing attack was there to bail the offense out, with Nick Chubb collecting 106 yards on 15 carries and Kareem Hunt recording one TD and 28 yards on nine carries — hopefully, without beating up any women in the process.
#032
Miami Dolphins (3-10)
Season Point Differential: -178
The Dolphins give it a valiant effort, but they still lost a heartbreaker against the Jets 22-21 over the weekend. Ryan Fitzpatrick went 21 for 37 for 245 yards in the loss, lobbing no TD passes and tossing one interception. He kinda’ sorta’ but not really made up for it, I guess, by collecting 65 yards on seven carries, but really, that just goes to show you how much of a dumpster fire this Miami team is this year. I mean, holy shit, can you think of any justifiable reason why Ryan Fitzpatrick should be the leading rusher in ANYTHING?
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