ESPN and Bleacher Report can eat it — THESE are the only pro football rankings that matter, anywhere and everywhere.
By: Jimbo X
This Week’s Episode:
“Two Weeks’ Notice”
THE ELITES
#001
Baltimore Ravens (12-2)
Season Point Differential: +215
As expected, the Ravens made short work of the Jets last Thursday night, dispatching New York 42-21 in prime time. Lamar Jackson cemented his status as the League MVP like, a month ago, but just for good measure, he decided to turn in one more awards-locking performance against the shit-tastic Jets’ secondary, ultimately concluding the contest 15 for 23 for 212 yards and FIVE touchdown passes. Oh, and he had 86 yards on eight rushing attempts to, because he could.
#002
New England Patriots (11-3)
Season Point Differential: +191
The Patriots, as expected, poured the Bengals over the weekend, easily dismantling Cincinnati by a final score of 34-13. Tom Brady went 15 for 29 for 128 yards in the win, ultimately recording two touchdowns, with James White leading the receiving crew with 49 yards and one score on three grabs. And the Pats, admittedly, did a pretty good job running the rock, with Rex Burkhead getting 53 yards and one TD on six carries and Sony Michel calling it a day with 89 yards on 19 touches.
#003
San Francisco 49ers (11-3)
Season Point Differential: +161
The Niners losing 29-22 at home to the Falcons HAS to be the biggest upset of the NFL season so far. You can blame a lot of things on the loss, but you really can’t fault Jimmy G.’s play that much. I mean, the guy did go 22 for 34 for 200 yards and one TD pass, with George Kittle collecting 134 yards on 13 catches. Alas, considering nobody else in red and gold managed to get much of a handle on the pigskin, perhaps you can understand how San Fran somehow wound up hunching the pooch on this ‘un.
#004
Minnesota Vikings (10-4)
Season Point Differential: +119
The Vikings ran roughshod over the Chargers 39-10 Sunday, in a game that saw Kirk Cousins go 19 for 25 for 2017 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split. Leading the team in receiving yards was Stefan Diggs with 76 yards (but no TDs) on four catches, while virtual unknown running back Mike Boone lead both teams in rushing, accumulating 56 yards and two end zone trips on 13 touches. Meanwhile, Dalvin Cook was basically a non-factor in the game, racking up only 27 yards on nine carries.
#005
Kansas City Chiefs (10-4)
Season Point Differential: +110
The Chiefs didn’t encounter much resistance from Denver in Sunday’s 23-3 win over the Broncos. Patrick Mahomes had another big passing day, going 27 for 34 for 340 yards, two TD passes and one interception, with top receiver Travis Kelce collecting 142 yards on 11 receptions (although it was Tyreek Hill who has the two TD grabs, complementing his 67-yard, five-reception day quite well.) Alas, Kansas City’s rushing attack was pretty impotent, with top running back Darwin Thompson only mustering 38 yards on eight touches.
#006
Dallas Cowboys (7-7)
Season Point Differential: +090
The Cowboys recorded their most impressive win in quite sometime Sunday, beating the Rams 44-21 at home. Das Prescott went 15 for 23 foe 212 yards and two TD passes in the victory, with Tavon Austin leading the team with 59 yards on his one catch of the game — which, naturally, also produced a touchdown. And holy shit, did the Cowboys get some production out of their run game or what? Ezekiel Elliot had two scores and 117 yards on 24 carries, while Tony Pollard wrapped up the contest with 131 yards and one score on just 12 carries.
#007
New Orleans Saints (11-3)
Season Point Differential: +075
The Saints absolutely rolled the Colts on Monday night, crushing Indy 34-7 in prime time. Drew Brees was damn near perfect in the outing, going 29 for 30 for 307 yards and four TD passes in the dominant win. The League’s top receiver, Michael Thomas, unsurprisingly had another big night underneath the Mercedes-Benz Superdome lights; he concluded the contest with 128 yards and one end zone visit on 12 catches.
#008
Buffalo Bills (10-4)
Season Point Differential: +069
With Sunday night’s 17-10 win over the Steelers, the Bills OFFICIALLY find themselves bound for the playoffs. In prime time, Josh Allen went 13 for 25 for 139 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, with top receiver John Brown leading the team with 99 yards on seven catches. Also looking pretty spiffy for Buffalo was running back Devin Singletary, who called it a day with 87 yards on 21 carries. Hell, at this point, there’s an outside shot the Bills might even snatch away the AFC East crown from the Pats — which, really, is probably about as good as a Super Bowl win for the Orchard Park faithful these days.
THE PLAYOFFS HOPEFULS
#009
Tennessee Titans (8-6)
Season Point Differential: +060
After Sunday’s 24-21 loss to the Texans, the Titans still have a chance to win the AFC South crown. Granted, it entails Houston losing their next two games and the Titans winning their next two simultaneously, which ain’t gonna’ be easy, considering this weekend’s game is a home stand against the New Orleans offensive juggernaut and Week 17’s clash is a re-do against the Texans. In that, Tennessee fans ought to be praying that the Steelers slip up and lose out in their final two — and that, somehow, someway, they manage to pull away at least one W before the first week of January rolls around.
#010
Green Bay Packers (11-3)
Season Point Differential: +047
The Packers guaranteed themselves a playoffs spot after beating the Bears 21-13 at home on Sunday (although, if they lose their last two and the Vikes win their remaining two, they’d be edged out of the race for the NFC North title.) Aaron Rodgers, as anticipated, had good numbers in the win, going 16 for 33 for 203 yards and one TD pass, with Davante Adams leading the team with 2013 yards and one score on seven catches. And Aaron Jones certainly did his part to keep the run game rolling, collecting two touchdowns and 51 yards on 13 carries.
#011
Seattle Seahawks (11-3)
Season Point Differential: +026
With Sunday’s 30-24 win over the Panthers, the Seahawks now find themselves a LOCK for the postseason — although with San Fran nipping at their cleats, it might be a little premature to hand ‘em over the NFC West crown just yet. It was another solid showing from Russell Wilson over the weekend, who went 20 for 26 for 286 yards and two TD passes, with Tyler Lockett closing out the contest with 120 yards and one score on eight catches. And Chris Carson looked LEGIT on the ground, collecting 133 yards and two rushing touchdowns on 24 touches.
#012
Los Angeles Rams (8-6)
Season Point Differential: +026
In Sunday’s 44-21 loss to the Cowboys, Jared Goff went 33 for 51 for 284 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception, with top receiver Tyler Higbee exiting the outing with 111 yards on 12 grabs. Alas, the Rams’ rushing game COMPLETELY crapped out on the road, with Todd Gurley collecting one TD and 20 yards on 11 carries — while their defense allowed the Cowboys to produce 263 yards and THREE touchdowns on 45 running plays.
#013
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-7)
Season Point Differential: +018
Believe it or not, Jameis Winston leads the NFL in passing yards this season (and probably sexually assaulting people, too, but since that’s not an official metric tallied up by the New York offices, we’ll just have to play the assumption game on this ‘un.) So yeah, the Buccaneers pretty much butt-fucked the Lions on Sunday, in a game that saw J.W. go 28 for 42 for 458 yards, four TDs and one interception — with Breshad Perriman, of all people, recording three touchdowns and 113 yards on just five catches. Also looking rather dandy in the 38-17 win? Chris Godwin, who wrapped up the afar with 121 yards on five grabs.
#014
Houston Texans (9-5)
Season Point Differential: +011
After Sunday’s thrilling 24-21 win over Tennessee, the Texans pretty much control their own destiny. If they get one more W this year, they’re pretty much guaranteed the AFC South crown, or at the very least, the sixth and final playoff slot in the AFC. But the team’s last two matchups of the year are anything but gimmes — indeed, with a road test against the underrated Bucs this weekend and a home stand against a Titans team playing for their postseason lives in Week 17, there’s a good chance Houston may close out the year 0-2 and miss the playoffs altogether — you know, pending enough fluky shit happens over the next two weeks and all.
#015
Pittsburgh Steelers (8-6)
Season Point Differential: +010
After Sunday night’s 17-10 loss to the Bills, the playoffs match for the Steelers is really, really simple — all they’ve got to do is win any of their remaining two and their own. And if Tennessee loses any of their remaining games, they’re basically in by default. Of course, we’ll see how Pittsburgh fares against the Jets (in East Rutherford this weekend), and we’ll definitely know whether or not the Steelers are a bona-fide, postseason-worthy squad by the time Week 17’s regular season finale against the Ravens roll around, won’t we?
#016
Los Angeles Chargers (5-9)
Season Point Differential: +009
In Sunday’s 39-10 loss to the Vikings, Phillip Rivers went 28 for 39 for 307 yards and one TD pass. Alas, Rivers being Rivers, he also lobbed three interceptions and got sacked three times for negative 24 yards on the day. While Keenan Allen looked pretty good with 99 yards on nine catches, L.A.’s running attack completely sputtered out, with top rusher Melvin Gordon held to a mere 28 yards on seven carries — indeed, the entire team had just 62 yards on the ground all game long.
THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK
#017
Philadelphia Eagles (7-7)
Season Point Differential: +006
In a dead heat with the Cowboys, the Eagles are pretty much gonna’ have to run the table to even think about making the playoffs. And oh yeah, hope the Cowboys lose their last two games of the year, too, just for good measure. Still, Philadelphia might just snatch away that NFC East Crown if Carson Wentz keeps playing like he did in Sunday’s 37-37 win over the Redskins. At the final horn, he went 20 for 43 for 266 yards, with three TD passes on the day.
#018
Chicago Bears (7-7)
Season Point Differential: +003
Mitchell “The Bitchell” Trubisky went 29 for 53 for 334 yards, one TD and two interceptions in the Bears’ 21-13 loss to the Packers Sunday. Alas, despite the L, the Bears can take some solace in getting some very, very good numbers out of its receivers; indeed, two players on the team topped the triple digit mark on the day, with Allen Robinson II garnering 125 yards on seven catches and Anthony Miller getting 118 yards, and one end zone visit, on nine catches.
#019
Indianapolis Colts (6-8)
Season Point Differential: -026
With Monday night’s 34-7 loss to the Saints, the Colts officially find themselves ELIMINATED from playoffs contention. Indeed, after a 6-4 start, Indy has lost four in a row, and if they keep playing like the did a couple of nights ago, they’ll be lucky to even get another win this season. Not that you care, but Jacoby “Whisker Biscuit” Brissett looked pretty underwhelming in the loss; at the final horn, he went 18 for 34 for 165 yards, no touchdowns and no interceptions.
#020
Cleveland Browns (6-8)
Season Point Differential: -032
The Browns aren’t technically eliminated from playoffs contention in the wake of the team’s 38-24 loss to Arizona, but the math is so stacked against them that it’s virtually impossible for Cleveland to even think about playing pro ball, for actual money, in real life, this January. Alas, even in defeat Cleveland continues to get good mileage out of the League’s most productive running back; by the time Sunday’s contest was finished, Nick Chubb once again had triple digits on the ground, calling it a day with 127 yards and one score on 17 carries.
#021
Atlanta Falcons (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -036
The Falcons pulled off what may very well be the biggest upset of the NFL season thus far when they beat the Niners 29-22 IN Santa Clara Sunday. Matt Ryan went 25 for 39 for 210 yards and two touchdown passes in the mad comeback, as the Falcons ultimately amassed 19 fourth quarter points en route to the last minute win. Definitely give the game ball to Atlanta’s veteran receiver Julio Jones, if you have to single out anybody for the victory; at the final horn, he had two touchdowns and 134 yards on 13 catches.
#022
Denver Broncos (5-9)
Season Point Differential: -045
In the Broncos’ 23-3 loss to K.C. on Sunday, Drew Lock went 18 for 40 for 208 yards, no TD passes and one interception. Courtland Sutton led the team with 79 yards on four catches, while Phillip Lindsay nominally led Denver in rushing with 32 yards on seven carries. But on the plus side? Denver’s D did manage to sack Mahomes three times, with Shelby Harris putting him in his ass twice during the 20-point defeat.
#023
Carolina Panthers (5-9)
Season Point Differential: -066
At the halfway point of the season, the Panthers were 5-3 and looked like a bona-fide playoffs-caliber team. Well, with two games left on the docket, Carolina finds itself riding low on a six-game losing streak, the latest being a very demoralizing 30-24 home loss to Seattle. Kyle Allen looked especially iffy in the loss, going 25 for 41 for 277 yards, one TD and three interceptions. Still, America’s favorite honky running back looked superb even in defeat, as Christian McCaffrey had two touchdowns and 87 yards on 19 rushing attempts — plus another 88 yards as a receiver.
#024
Detroit Lions (3-10-1)
Season Point Differential: -069
At one point this season, the Lions we’re 3-3-1. Following Sunday’s 38-17 loss to the Bucs, Detroit has now lost seven consecutive games and are very, very likely to finish the year with two more losses in their remaining contests against Denver and Green Bay. Unsurprisingly, David Blough did not look good under center for Detroit over the weekend; he ultimately went 24 for 43 for 260 yards, with no TD passes and two interceptions. But on the plus side? At least running back Wes Hills was productive, getting two touchdowns out of his 21-yard, 10-carry day.
ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT
#025
Arizona Cardinals (4-9-1)
Season Point Differential: -088
Kyler Murray went 19 for 25 for 219 yards as he lead his Cardinals over the Browns 38-24 Sunday. The former Sooner ultimately went one-for-one in the TD-to-INT ratio department, with Dameire Byrd leading the team in receiving yards with 86 yards on six grabs. Of course, this was really running back Kenyan Drake’s day to shine, obviously; by the time it was all zeroes on the scoreboard, he had amassed 137 yards on 22 carries — and with them, an amazing four trips to the end zone.
#026
New York Jets (5-9)
Season Point Differential: -096
Sam Darnold was fairly uninspired in the Jets’ 42-21 loss the Ravens last Thursday. He went 19 fro 32 for 218 yards in the defeat, ultimately notching up two TD passes and one interception. Jamison Crowder had two scores and 90 yards on six carries, but Le’Veon Bell could find pay dirt once in the contest — this, despite having 87 yards on 21 carries at the final horn.
#027
New York Giants (3-11)
Season Point Differential: -099
Eli Manning may have played his final game for the Giants Sunday, and he picked a pretty good note to go out on as New York topped the Dolphins 36-20. Alas, despite the win, Eli’s stats really weren’t all that impressive; going 20 for 28, he did amass 283 yards and two touchdowns, but he also lobbed three interceptions. But hey, let’s let this 3-11 team have their moment in the sun — especially when they saw Saquon Barkley rack up two scores and 112 yards on 24 touches on the ground, to boot.
#028
Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9)
Season Point Differential: -103
The Jags score 17 unanswered points in the second half en route to Sunday’s 20-16 come-from-behind win against the Raiders. Of course, to get there, Daniel Carlson had to hunch the pooch on two easy field goals, and the NFL brass had to erroneously rule Derek Carr out of bounds on what would’ve been a game-clinching first down scramble, and Keelan Doss had to try to catch Derek Carr’s miraculous Hail Mary game winner with his facemark, but beyond that? Yeah, these guys totally earned this shit. And no, I’m not bitter. You’re bitter, asshole.
#029
Oakland Raiders (6-8)
Season Point Differential: -112
With a potential playoff bid on the line, the Raiders celebrated their last game EVER in Oakland in the most Raiders-way possible; by giving up 17 unanswered points en route to a humiliating 20-16 loss in a game RIFE with questionable referee calls. The Raiders still have a microscopic chance of making the playoffs, but doing so requires Oakland to beat the Chargers and the Broncos back-to-back in their final two, plus the Steelers losing their last two games, and Tennessee also losing their last two. So, all of that to say — yeah, this shitshow of a season is officially over, kids. Hey, it was our fault for even having dreams in the first place, wasn’t it?
#030
Washington Redskins (3-11)
Season Point Differential: -132
No, there’s no point in trying to sugarcoat the Redskins’ 37-27 loss to the Eagles over the weekend. Although the Washington faithful, I suppose, can take some succor in knowing that, for one game at least, Dwayne Haskins didn’t play like utter and complete dookie. Indeed, going 19 for 28 for 261 yards and two TD passes, you might even call his play respectable, or dare I say it, almost good for a change.
#031
Cincinnati Bengals (1-13)
Season Point Differential: -148
With one more loss, the Bengals are guaranteed the No. 1 pick in the upcoming NFL draft, which means Joe Burrow has at least two more games to appreciate not getting his ass mutilated on the gridiron. Believe it or not, the Bengals actually LED the Patriots 10-7 heading into the second quarter Sunday, but of course, it was only a matter of time until New England started pouring on the points en route to a 34-13 win. Andy Dalton, in particular, had a pretty bad day behind Cincy’s atrocious O-line, ultimately going 17 for 31 for 151 yards, one TD and FOUR interceptions.But on the plus side? With 136 yards on 25 carries, running back Joe Mixon probably made fantasy football owners pretty happy.
#032
Miami Dolphins (3-11)
Season Point Differential: -194
In Sunday’s 36-20 loss to the Giants, Ryan Fitzpatrick went 23 for 41 for 279 yards and two TD passes — both of which went to DeVante Parker, who called it a day with 72 yards on four grabs. Alas, Miami’s rushing attack just wasn’t as formidable, with top back Patrick Laird finishing the contest with an underwhelming 46 yards on 12 touches. Hell, apparently the Dolphins even suck at sucking; at this point, not only will the 3-11 squad NOT get the top pick in the NFL draft, they may not even land in the first five when the regular season is over and done with.
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