ESPN and Bleacher Report can eat it — THESE are the only pro football rankings that matter, anywhere and everywhere.
By: Jimbo X
This Week’s Episode:
“Are You Ready For Finals?"
THE ELITES
#001
Baltimore Ravens (13-2)
Season Point Differential: +231
With Sunday's 31-15 win over the Browns, the Ravens are guaranteed the first seed in the AFC Playoffs, which means the road to Super Bowl Whatever-Number-It-Is WILL go through Baltimore. As if Lamar Jackson hasn't done enough to seal a foregone MVP honor this year, he concluded the penultimate game of the season going 20 for 31 for 238 yard and three TD passes, with an additional 103 yards rushing. Lost amidst all this Lamar love-in, of course, is just how well the rest of the team is doing. Take receiver Mark Andrews, for example; he wrapped up the victory last weekend with two touchdowns and 93 yards on just six catches.
#002
New England Patriots (12-3)
Season Point Differential: +198
It was a slug fest, but Tom Brady and pals once again prevailed over Buffalo in Saturday's 24-17 win, which officially gives New England their 4,567th consecutive AFC East title, if I'm remembering correctly. T.B. went 26 for 33 in the win, accumulating 271 yards but lobbing only one TD pass (an eight-yarder to Matt LaCosse, on his only reception of the day.) Still, the Pats' run game looked slightly more potent than usual, with Sony Michel leading the backfield with 96 yards on 21 carries.
#003
San Francisco 49ers (12-3)
Season Point Differential: +164
The Niners gained a little bit of ground on the Seahawks with Saturday's 34-31 win over the Rams. Jimmy G. had one of his lesser performances of the year, going 16 for 27 for 248 yards, one TD pass and two interceptions — and oh yeah, his ass got sacked SIX times for minus 33 yards on the day. Still, San Fran got big numbers out of the usual suspects in the narrow win; George Kittle led the team receiving with 79 yards and one score on five catches, while top back Raheem Mostert called it a day with 53 yards and one score on 11 carries.
#004
Kansas City Chiefs (11-4)
Season Point Differential: +133
The Chiefs steamrolled the Bears 26-3 in prime time last Sunday, in a game that saw Patrick Mahomes go 23 for 33 for 251 yards and two touchdown passes (with Travis Kelce leading the team with 74 yards and one score on eight catches.) Obviously, K.C.'s defense looked pretty solid, holding Chicago to just 133 yards passing and 101 yards running the rock, and give the Chiefs' no-name running back committee some credit, especially Damien Williams, who concluded the game with 65 yards (but no TD runs) on 16 carries.
#005
Minnesota Vikings (10-5)
Season Point Differential: +106
The Vikes got wrecked 23-10 by the Packers Monday night, but thanks to a whole buncha' other NFC teams hunching the pooch, the Vikes are guaranteed a spot in the playoffs, anyway. Kirk Cousins did not have a good performance, really: going 15 for 31, he wrapped up the outing with just 122 yards, one TD and one INT — and then the motherfucker got sacked five times for negative 40 yards, ultimately dragging his all-purpose aerial yardage count to a mere 82. Needless to say? This time is NOT looking forward to a potential third tilt against the Green Bay D in January, for goddamn sure.
#006
New Orleans Saints (12-3)
Season Point Differential: +085
The Saints bested the Titans 38-28 on Sunday, in a contest that witnessed Drew Brees going 27 for 38 for 279 yards and three TD passes, with Michael Thomas setting a new single-season NFL receiving record via his 136-yard, one-TD performance. Oddly enough, though, former Raider Jared Cook doubled Thomas' TD count on his three-catch, 84-yard day, and let's not forget about running back Alvin Kamara, either; at the final horn, he had 80 yards and two touchdowns on 11 carries.
#007
Dallas Cowboys (7-8)
Season Point Differential: +082
All Dallas had to do to win the NFC East Sunday was beat the Eagles. Of course, Dallas being Dallas, they lost 17-9 in an absolute debacle, which makes this weekend's regular season finale a MUST win for the Cowboys. Of course, even if Dallas does defeat Washington this weekend, they still have to hope and pray that the Eagles lose and lose big against the Giants — in fact, that's the ONLY way these Cowboys can even DREAM of whiffing the postseason this year, frankly.
#008
Buffalo Bills (10-5)
Season Point Differential: +062
The Bills are cemented into the fifth seed of the AFC playoffs in the wake of Saturday's 24-17 loss to the Patriots. Josh Allen went 13 for 26 for 28 yards in the loss, ultimately lobbing two TD passes before the day was over with. Of course, the Bills' O-line also took the day off, too, as apparent by the four times they let their QB get sacked (ultimately, for minus 32 yards overall.) The rest of the offensive performance was a mixed bag; yes, John Brown's 53-yard TD was boss as fuck, but Buffalo's run game — nominally "led" by Devin Singletary's 46-yard, 15-touch performance — was hardly what I would consider "inspiring."
THE PLAYOFFS HOPEFULS
#009
Green Bay Packers (12-3)
Season Point Differential: +060
The Packers won the NFC North title via Monday night's 23-10 spanking of the Vikings. Aaron Rodgers went 26 for 40 for 216 yards in the win, although he lobbed no TD passes and threw one interception in the victory. If you're looking for somebody to give the credit to, I'd name receive Davante Adams and running back Aaron Jones as the offensive MVPs for GB. The former wrapped up the win with 116 yards on 13 grabs while the latter called it a day with 154 yards and two touchdowns on 23 carries.
#010
Tennessee Titans (8-7)
Season Point Differential: +050
Despite Ryan Tannehill going 17 for 27 for 272 yards and three TD passes, the Titans still fell 38-28 to the Saints Sunday. Still, Tennessee's no-name receivers put in some good numbers, especially Tajae Sharpe, who called it a day with 69 yards and two touchdowns on just five receptions. The path to the playoffs for the Titans is really clear: all they have to do is win THIS Sunday or see the Steelers lose and they're pretty much guaranteed the sixth and final seed in the postseason. Of course, there are a few caveats that apply to that conditional, but don't worry, we'll get well-deep into the weeds when we get to our weekly write-up on the Raiders, dear readers ...
#011
Los Angeles Rams (8-7)
Season Point Differential: +023
The Rams' 34-31 loss to the Niners officially eliminated L.A. from playoffs contention — not that anyone was really champing at the bit to see Jared Goff in another Super Bowl, naturally. Speaking of Goff, he went 27 for 46 for 323 yards, two TDs and one INT in the three-point loss, with Robert Woods (117 yards, eight catches) and Tyler Higbee (104 yards, nine catches) each hitting the triple-digit mark. And despite his low yardage amount, Todd Gurley was certainly productive as a motherfucker in the backfield, notching up two scores and 48 yards on 15 touches.
#012
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-8)
Season Point Differential: +015
Well, the good news is that Jameis Winston went 25 for 48 for 335 yards against the Texans Saturday evening. The bad news, of course, is that the Bucs still lost 23-20, and even worse, Winston managed to lob FOUR interceptions before the game was over. Oh well, at least Tampa Bay's rushing attack looked halfway decent, with top back Ronald Jones ultimately amassing 77 yards and one score on 14 touches
#013
Houston Texans (10-5)
Season Point Differential: +014
The Texans won the AFC South Saturday via a hard-fought 23-20 win over the Buccaneers. In the victorious effort, Deshaun Watson went 19 for 32 for 184 yards, no TD passes and one interception, in addition to running the rock seven times for 37 rushing yards. Although you might want to attribute the win to VERY strong play from the Texans' D, if anything — not only did they sack Jameis Winston three times, they also managed to intercept him FOUR times.
#014
Philadelphia Eagles (8-7)
Season Point Differential: +014
After Sunday's 17-9 win over the Cowboys, the Eagles pretty much control their own destiny from here on out. If they beat the Giants this weekend, they automatically win the NFC East crown and will serve as the fourth seed in the playoffs, meaning they'll be hosting at least one game against Seattle, San Fran or Minnesota. But if the Eagles lose and the Cowboys beat the Redskins, that means Dallas is the one sneaking into a home playoffs game. Regardless, whoever wins the division is bound to be a big underdog no matter who they'll be playing — a role I'm sure Carson Wentz is absolutely salivating over right now.
#015
Seattle Seahawks (11-4)
Season Point Differential: +012
The Seahawks took their foot off the gas pedal big time Sunday, dropping an inexcusable one to Arizona 27-13. Russell Wilson went 16 for 31 for 169 yards and just one TD pass in the unspirited effort, with Jacob Hollister leading the 'Hawks with 64 yards (but no scores) on five catches. Meanwhile, Seattle's run game looked downright anemic, with top rusher Chris Carson only able to amass 40 yards on eight carries.
#016
Indianapolis Colts (7-8)
Season Point Differential: +006
The Colts pretty much sodomized the Panthers Sunday, drubbing the Panthers 38-6. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 14 for 27 for 119 yards in the dominant win, but strangely enough, he had no TD passes. Rather, the Colts relied upon a steady run game for the bulk of its scoreboard production, with the backfield combining for 218 yards and three rushing scores. Leading the team was Marlon Mack, who called it a day with 95 yards and one end one visit on 16 carries.
THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK
#017
Pittsburgh Steelers (8-7)
Season Point Differential: +004
The Steelers’ playoffs hopes took a big hit with Sunday’s 16-10 loss to the Jets. Now, the Steelers find themselves in a situation where they pretty much HAVE to win this weekend against Baltimore, and hope against hope that the Texans beat the Titans that same afternoon, to even think about securing that sixth and final AFC postseason berth. Of course, even if Pittsburgh DOES make the playoffs, it seems a bit absurd to think they’ll make it very far into January with Mason Rudolph under center — or, heaven help them, THE DEVLIN HODGES as the primary play caller.
#018
Los Angeles Chargers (5-10)
Season Point Differential: +002
The Chargers fell 24-17 to the Raiders in a nominal home game Sunday, as Philip Rivers went 27 for 39 for 279 yards and no TD passes. Indeed, pretty much the only player keeping LA even halfway competitive in said matchup was Melvin Gordon, who mustered two touchdowns and 15 yards on nine carries and 32 yards on six catches. Not that it matters, like, at all, but Keenan Allen was the team’s top wideout in the loss, collecting 71 yards (but zero end zone visits) on five catches.
#019
Chicago Bears (7-8)
Season Point Differential: -20
The Bears got BTFO by the Chiefs Sunday night, losing 26-3 in an absolute laugher. Mitchell "The Bitchell" Trubisky went 19 for 34 for 157 yards and no TD passes, but you can dial back his yardage down to 133 factoring in the three times he got sacked. As evident by the final score, the Bears' offense didn't do much of anything, especially Chicago's rushing attack; at the final horn, top Bears' back David Montgomery had just 57 score-less yards on 13 carries.
#020
Atlanta Falcons (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -024
With Sunday’s 24-12 win over the Jaguars, the Falcons find themselves looking to close out the season on a four-victory streak this weekend, as Jameis Winston and the Bucs await them in a Week 17 matchup that, yeah, doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. We’ll see if Matt Ryan can put up the same big numbers he put up last weekend; in the 12-point win over the Jags, he went 32 for 45 for 384 yards for 384 yards, one TD and two interceptions. I mean, not that he’s probably bragging about the pair of INTs, naturally …
#021
Denver Broncos (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -035
Drew Lock had another big game in Denver’s 27-17 win over the Lions Sunday, going 25 for 33 for 192 yards and one TD pass before the final whistle sounded. The star of the show, offensively, however, had to be running back Phillip Lindsay, who collected 109 yards and one end zone visit on 19 carries. Factored out of the playoffs discussion a long time ago, the Broncos hope to play spoiler against the Raiders this weekend, whose already longshot postseason aspirations hinge on getting a tough — some might even say impossible — road win against their arch rivals.
#022
Cleveland Browns (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -048
Not that the numbers were working in their favor to start with, but Sunday's 31-15 loss to the Ravens OFFICIALLY takes Cleveland out of the playoffs race. Oddly enough, Baker Mayfield had one of his better showings in the defeat, going 20 for 33 for 192 yards, two TDs and one interception. Alas, the run game totally crapped out, with Nick Chubb finishing the game with just 45 yards (and no touchdowns) on 15 carries.
#023
Arizona Cardinals (5-9-1)
Season Point Differential: -074
Arizona's defense showed up BIG time in Sunday's shocking 27-13 win over the Seahawks, sacking Russell Wilson five times for negative 36 yards on the day. Kyler Murray went 11 for 18 for 118 yards and one score in the win, but it was the Cards' run game that TRULY put them over the top. The team combined for 253 total yards on the ground in the win, wih Kenyan Drake leading the team with 166 yards and two scores on 24 carries.
#024
Detroit Lions (3-11-1)
Season Point Differential: -079
David Blough turned in another uninspiring effort in Sunday’s 27-17 loss to the Lions. The former Boilermaker went 12 for 24 for 117 yards and one TD pass in the defeat, although you can safely dial that yardage down to just 95 after factoring in the five times he got sacked by the Broncos’ D. Nor did Detroit’s rushing attack look all that potent in the loss; at the final horn, top rusher Kerryon Johnson had just 42 yards (and no trips to the end zone) on 10 carries.
ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT
#025
New York Jets (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -090
The Jets prevailed 16-10 over the Steelers Sunday, in a game that saw Sam Darnold go 16 for 26 for 183 yards, one TD and no interceptions. While New York’s receiving corps didn’t exactly put up huge numbers (indeed, top wideout Jamison Crowder had just 60 yards on four catches), at least the Jets got solid production out of Le’Veon Bell, who amassed 72 yards (but no scores) on 25 carries against his former team.
#026
New York Giants (4-11)
Season Point Differential: -093
It may have required some overtime play, but Daniel Jones nonetheless managed to lead the Giants to a 41-35 win over the Redskins Sunday. Jones had what is EASILY his best pro showing to date in the victory, going 28 for 42 for 352 yards and FIVE touchdown passes, while Saquon Barkley positively DOMINATED the Washington D, with 189 yards (and one score) on 22 carries and another 90 yards (and one more touchdown) on four receptions.
#027
Carolina Panthers (5-10)
Season Point Differential: -098
The Panthers got ass-blasted 38-6 by the Colts Sunday, in a woeful contest that saw Will Grier go 27 for 44 for 224 yards, zero TD passes and three interceptions — and if that wasn't bad enough, the nigga' also got sacked FIVE times for negative 37 yards on the day. Still, almost-MVP Christian McCaffrey did what he could to make the white race proud, collecting 119 yards on 15 receptions and collecting 54 yards on 13 rushing attempts.
#028
Oakland Raiders (7-8)
Season Point Differential: -105
In the wake of Sunday’s 24-17 win over the Chargers, the currently 7-8 Raiders STILL have an opportunity to make the playoffs pending ALL of the following happens this weekend: the Ravens beat the Steelers, the Texans beat the Titans, the Colts beat the Jaguars and at least one of the following teams records a win (in the process, giving Oakland the rarely-utilized strength-of-victory tiebreaker over Pittsburgh) —the Bears, Lions, Chiefs or Patriots. Oh, and the most important one: after all of that, THEY still have to beat the Broncos, on the road, to clinch the sixth and final AFC playoffs spot. And considering how much heartbreak the Raiders have given the Silver and Black faithful so far this season, one can’t help but anticipate a COLOSSAL disappointment this weekend — although, as always, we’ll be rooting against common sense with all our hearts Sunday, because that’s pretty much the only way ANY Raiders fan can make it through life nowadays.
#029
Jacksonville Jaguars (5-10)
Season Point Differential: -115
THE GARDNER MINSHEW II went 13 for 31 for 181 yards and one TD pass in Jacksonville’s 24-12 loss to the Falcons, which makes you kind of wonder how this team almost made it to the Super Bowl just two seasons ago. Not that you care, but Leonard Fournette played fairly well in the contest; at the final horn, he had 71 yards on 15 carries and 34 yards on three receptions. Leading the time in receiving yards, you may be wondering? Well, I know you most definitely are not wondering that, but just for the record, it was Chris Conley (56 yards, two receptions, one TD.)
#030
Washington Redskins (3-12)
Season Point Differential: -138
Despite — or maybe the better word is “because” — the Skins employing the combined quarterbacking talents of Case Keenum, Dwayne Haskins Jr. AND Kelin Harmon in Sunday’s penultimate game of the season against the Giants, Washington still ended up losing 41-35 in overtime. Certainly, there are PLENTY of reasons why this is a 12-loss team thus far in the season — and if the upper brass thinks the likes of Steven Sims, Jr. and Adrian Peterson is going to be enough to dig the franchise out of a deep, dank, dark hole in 2020, well … there are some wrongheaded motherfuckers, to be sure.
#031
Cincinnati Bengals (1-14)
Season Point Differential: -151
With Sunday’s 38-35 overtime loss to the Fins, the Bengals now find themselves just one game away from a historical awful 1-15 season. Oddly enough, Andy Dalton probably played well enough to ensure his spot as a back-up for Cincy next season, going 33 for 56 for 396 yards and four TD passes in defeat. Alas, with rich targets downfield like Tyler Boyd (128 yards, two touchdowns, nine receptions) presumably staying on the roster next year, it’s pretty much a given that Cincy is going to use their first overall pick in the draft to go after Joe Burrow — unless he royally shits the bed in the college football playoffs, which let’s face it, could be a distinct possibility. But come on, it’s not like a No. 1 overall pick QB from LSU has EVER disappointed royally on the pro level before, right?
#032
Miami Dolphins (4-11)
Season Point Differential: -191
Miami’s 38-35 overtime win against Cincinnati Sunday LITERALLY pit the two worst teams in pro football against one another, and this time around, it looks like the Dolphins managed to suck slightly less than the Bengals. And believe it or not, Ryan Fitzpatrick actually had a GREAT day on the field, going 31 or 52 for 419 yards, four TD passes and just one interception. While DeVante Parker led the team in receiving yards (111, with one score, on five catches), it was virtual unknown Mike Gesicki who had the most receiving TDs of the day for the Fins, concluding the outing with two end zone trips and 82 yards on just six grabs.
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