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By: Jimbo X
Let’s face it — the Associated Press and USA Today don’t know what the hell they’re talking about when it comes to college football, which is why their Top 25 rankings are always such dogshit. Thankfully, we here at The Internet Is In America take our collegiate pigskin far more seriously, which is why we’re giving you our own unbiased, impartial, 100 percent objective NCAA Top 25 rankings each and every week this college ball season. Trust us, there’s no reason to scope out ESPN or Bleacher Report this fall … ‘cause when it comes to football on Saturday, ain’t nobody anywhere gonna’ give it to ‘ya as straight as TIIIA will, and that’s a guarantee.
#001
Clemson (13-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Ohio State (Dec. 28)
The reigning, defending champions of college football look to extend their unbeaten season in the Fiesta Bowl, where they’ll go toe-to-toe with Ohio State. Of course, the matchup does look quite favorable for the Tigers, whom, historically, have had a LOT of success taking on the Buckeyes out in the desert. Only time will tell, of course, whether 2019 will produce a beatdown comparable to the one between these two schools back in 2016 — regardless, it should make for some highly entertaining pigskin action, no matter how competitive the affair.
#002
LSU (13-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma (Dec. 28)
Joe Burrow is pretty much a lock for the Heisman this year. The Tigers’ quarterback went 342 for 439 for 4,715 yards and a goddamn absurd 48 TD passes, with only six interceptions so far this season, and you best believe he’ll be looking to lob a couple more of ‘em in the Peach Bowl against Oklahoma. LSU goes into the four-team playoffs as a substantial favorite to win it all — of course, there is a reason why these things are played on a field instead of on paper, ain’t there?
#003
Ohio State (13-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Clemson (Dec. 28)
This year’s Fiesta Bowl pits Justin Fields against Trevor Lawrence, which, geographically and historically, is a very interesting matchup. Indeed, arguably the two best quarterbacks in Division I college ball played high school ‘ball less than 30 minutes apart, with T. Law playing for Cartersville High and Fields playing for Harrison High in Kennesaw. And I can assure you, Bulldogs’ fans will forever lament not having either one of ‘em play their NCAA ball in-state, quite possibly until the end of all time.
#004
Oklahoma (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. LSU (Dec. 28)
The Sooners go into the four-team playoff as the team Vegas thinks is least likely to win the 2020 National Championship. For Oklahoma to surmount LSU in the Peach Bowl, it pretty much goes without saying that Jalen Hurts is going to have to ball out like nobody’s business, which, considering his stats so far this year, I guess you could say he’s been doing precisely that since late August. To date, he’s gone 222 for 309 passing, with 3,634 aerial yards, 32 touchdowns and a mere seven interceptions.
#005
Memphis (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Penn State (Dec. 28)
The best non-power-fiver in the county will get an opportunity to shine in prime time when they take on Penn State in the Cotton Bowl. Which would be a true statement, except for the fact the game kicks off at noon that day, but as Jesus once said, “what the hell ever, man.” On the whole, it’s a pretty interesting match-up — of course, whether Memphis’ overachieving passing attack can surmount Penn State’s underrated defense, however, is something we’ll just have to wait and see with our own two peepers a couple weeks down the line.
#006
Boise State (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Washington (Dec. 21)
The Blue Turfers get to show their stuff in the Las Vegas Bowl, where they’ll go toe-to-toe with Washington. Yes, considering the differential in team records (Boise State has one loss, while the underwhelming Huskies have five on the year), it’s not really the most appetizing matchup, but you never know — we might get lucky and this thing might not be a 30-point blowout … somehow, someway, that frankly, my mind just can’t conceive at this particular juncture.
#007
Appalachian State (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. UAB (Dec. 21)
So, what’s the Mountaineers’ reward for going 12-1 and running roughshod over practically the entire Sunbelt Conference? Why, a showdown with the UAB Blazers in the New Orleans Blazers, because why WOULD they want to test their mettle against a power-fiver school that’s actually worth a shit? Still, the final product could be better than anticipated … or worse than we ever expected, I guess.
#008
Baylor (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Georgia (Jan. 01)
If it wasn’t for the University of Oklahoma existing, Baylor would likely be a playoffs-caliber squad this year. Alas, after losing to the Sooners in overtime heartbreakers twice, the Golden Bears look to end the year on a high note when they take on Georgia in the Sugar Bowl. We’ll see just how motivated the team is coming off that crushing loss in the Big 12 Championship Game — especially when they’re taking on an equally distraught Bulldogs’ squad whose SEC Championship failure eerily mirrors their own title game miseries.
#009
Alabama (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Michigan (Jan. 01)
This is the first year we’ve had a National Playoffs final four without Alabama, and yeah, it feels weird as all hell. Rather, the Crimson Tide will be testing their might against Michigan in the Citrus Bowl on New Year’s Day, in a game that could just as easily be a 100-point game of live-action Bill Walsh College Football ’95 OR a virtually unwatchable 6-3 punt-a-thon. But hell, it’s probably worth it just to see the melancholy of the Bama faithful, whom let’s face it, deserve way more suffering than they got this past season, by a considerable margin.
#010
Georgia (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Baylor (Jan. 01)
After getting reamed out the ass by LSU in the SEC title game, the Bulldogs look to end the season on a high note when they take on Baylor in the Sugar Bowl. Both teams do play similarly (meaning, each squad likes to air the shit out of the pigskin and their defenses tend to shit the bed for no discernible reasons whatsoever in the second half) so if you like really, really frustrating college football, you’ll probably dig this one a plenty.
#011
Oregon (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Wisconsin (Jan. 01)
The Ducks ended Utah’s unreasonable National Playoffs aspirations by drubbing the Utes in the PAC-12 Championship game, and now they get to close out the season by duking it out with the Badgers in the Rose Bowl. If nothing else, watching Justin Herbert and Jonathan Taylor try to boost their NFL draft stock should make this one at least halfway bearable … that is, even if both teams’ defensive efforts in the contest are destined to be anything but inspirational.
#012
Notre Dame (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Iowa State (Dec. 28)
The Irish are getting a VERY low key bowl game in 2019, as they’re set to take on a five-loss Iowa State team in that showcase of the immortals, the Camping World Bowl in Orlando. Yes, it’s a significant step-down from being an undefeated squad last year, but on the bright side? This year, Notre Dame is GUARANTEED to not get its ass destroyed by Trevor Lawrence, which can only be seen as a net positive for the future of the football program.
#013
Penn State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Memphis (Dec. 28)
Penn State finds itself effectively representing the vanguard of college football when they take on non-power-fiver Memphis in the Cotton Bowl later this month. Defensively, it appears that Penn State is the much better team, but the offense has had its fair share of difficulties getting revved up at times. Really, there’s no reason why a strategic and motivated Nittany Lions team should lose this game — but hey, stranger things have happened, I guess, like an entire football program covering up the henious sexual abuse of scores of children for decades on end. Not that I can think of one such program off the top of my head, naturally.
#014
Minnesota (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Auburn (Jan. 01)
After getting bumped out of the Big 10 title game by Wisconsin, the overachieving Golden Gophers look to make it an 11-win year when they take on Auburn in the Outback Bowl on New Year’s Day. Which, really, is the WORST bowl game to have if you’re looking to motivate your players; I mean, with a smorgasbord of bloomin’ onions guaranteed win or loss, what sort of incentive would either team have to actually try on the gridiron?
#015
Utah (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Texas (Dec. 31)
The Utes were almost on the verge of a National Championship playoffs berth, but then they had to haul off and play like a buncha’ slack-jawed assholes against Oregon in the PAC-12 Championship. Now, instead of traveling to the Peach Bowl or the Fiesta Bowl, Utah regrettably finds itself doing battle with Texas in the Alamo Bowl, in what, ironically, is likely to be a game no one will remember.
#016
Florida (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Virginia (Dec. 30)
The Gators look to end their 2019-2020 season with one more dubya on their record, as they’re scheduled to take on Virginia in the Orange Bowl. And really, that’s quite fitting, since both teams prominently feature orange in their uniform schemes. And that’s literally the only reason I could think for anybody to be excited about this game, and that was after an hour of mulling my options.
#017
SMU (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Florida Atlantic (Dec. 21)
The Methodists’ look to cap off their surprising double-digit-win season with victory No. 11 over Florida Atlantic in the Boca Raton Bowl, which even by shitty, unimportant, totally-irrelevant bowl games is particularly shitty, unimportant and totally irrelevant. Interestingly, the two teams go into the contest with a combined 20-5 record, which makes this, statistically-speaking, a better-looking matchup than the goddamn Orange Bowl … which really tells you everything you need to know about how much the NCAA values that particular bowl game nowadays.
#018
Navy (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Army (Dec. 14)
The Midshipmen take on arch rivals Army this weekend, and you better believe Army is mighty pissed about the politically correct masses forcing them to change their unofficial battle cry they stole from the great Brian Bosworth vehicle Stone Cold because fictitious white supremacists used it — indeed, with that in mind, I’d actually put Navy on high upset alert this Saturday. Not that the outcome means that much, of course — win or loss, the Midshipmen still have a date with Kansas State in the Liberty Bowl on New Year’s Eve, which should be … well, one of the games that takes place that afternoon.
#019
Air Force (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Washington State (Dec. 27)
On one hand, the 10-2 Falcons can take a lot of pride knowing they’ve got a REAL college football team lined up for their bowl appearance this year — even if it is a relatively piss-poor Washington State team that finished the regular season sitting unpretty at .500. Alas, the real taint here is that, after putting together a rare double-digit victory season, Air Force is being forced to defend America’s honor in something called the Cheez-It Bowl, which scientists have determined is now the leading cause of veterans’ suicides throughout the country.
#020
Auburn (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Minnesota (Jan. 01)
After a wacky Iron Bowl upset that saw the Tigers dispatch the mighty Alabama juggernaut via such heroic efforts as the Tide’s kicker missing on a 30-yard field goal and then getting hit with a too many men on the field penalty, Auburn now sets their sights on the Outback Bowl, where they’ll go one-on-one (well, technically, liked 53-on-53) with the Golden Gophers, who are probably still pretty pissy about not even making it to the Big Ten title game this year. Man, that was one long-ass sentence to sum up a bowl game so few people are interested in, huh?
#021
Wisconsin (10-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Oregon (Jan. 01)
The Badgers took a quick lead over Ohio State in the Big 10 Championship, but ultimately, the Buckeyes came storming back to cap off their undefeated regular season and punch their tickets to the National Playoffs final four. As a consolation prize of sorts, Wisconsin now gets to travel all the way to Los Angeles to take on Oregon in the Rose Bowl, in a game I’m sure will be remembered for years and years to come … you know, pending somebody has a life-ending injury on the field, or like, a fuckin’ earthquake happens.
#022
Cincinnati (10-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Boston College (Jan. 02)
The Bearcats are essentially the also-rans of the AAC, which these days, is actually looking better than the PAC-12. Cincy looks to wrap up their season with a win against Boston College the day after New Year’s Day, in what is destined to be the best goddamn Birmingham Bowl contested since South Florida beat South Carolina 46-39 in overtime in 2016. By the way, this particular event was previously known as the Papa John’s Bowl, which I suppose explains its somewhat mystifying tagline of “Colonel Sanders called Blacks ‘niggers,’” in hindsight.
#023
Michigan (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Alabama (Jan. 01)
This year’s Citrus Bowl, which pits Alabama against Michigan, is like the Super Bowl of Historic College Football Programs Who Keep Finding New Ways To Devastate Their Boosters Every January. As deflated and banged up as the Tide are, you actually have to think the Wolverines have a better than mediocre shot of winning this thing … although that means Harbaugh and the gang would have to make an effort to win, and as we all know by now, that’s anything but a given anymore.
#024
Iowa (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. USC (Dec. 27)
Boy, this year’s Holiday Bowl shows you just how far a prestigious football program can fall in just a few years. And that’s not referring to the 9-3 Hawkeyes as much as it is their opponents, the 9-4 USC Trojans, who kinda’ sucked this year. Alas, now that the AAF has folded, it’ll probably be the closest thing SDCCU Stadium is going to get to seeing professional-caliber football anytime soon. Man, it must suck to be from San Diego, and not just because there’s a good chance you’ll get shot to death going on random McDonald’s trips.
#025
Louisiana (10-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Miami (OH)
Despite shitting the bed in a surprisingly entertaining Sunbelt Conference Championship Game against App State, the Ragin’ Cajuns certainly deserve some credit for exceeding expectations all season long. And Louisiana-Lafayette gets to wrap up their 2019 campaign in what may very well be the least motivating way possible, as they’re scheduled to lock horns with an 8-5 Miami of Ohio team in the goddamn motherfuckin’ LendingTree Bowl in Mobile, Ala. I mean, I’m sure the bowl situation here could be worse, but my goodness, am I struggling trying to deduce how ...
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