Sunday, December 1, 2019

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play From Week 13's Raiders vs. Chiefs Game

This Week's Episode:
"The Best in the West?"

By: Jimbo X

It's that time of year again, folks! After an off-season that was eventful, to say the least, the 2019-2020 Oakland Raiders season is officially underway, and needless to say, expectations have NEVER been lower for our beloved silver-and-black bedecked squadron. Because we here at The Internet Is In America are loyal traditionists to a "T" (and also, glutons for punishment), we're going to be doing our damnedest to bring you LIVE play-by-play coverage of EVERY single Oakland Raiders game of the season, continuing with this afternoon's road matchup against Indianapolis. So join us LIVE on SUNDAY, DEC. 01 starting at 4 p.m. Eastern time as our patented, award-winning, possession-by-possession coverage of week 13's Raiders vs. Chiefs game gets rolling. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff — and, as always, feel free to do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your online Raiders fans know what we're offering 'em by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Such, I assure you, is greatly appreciated — and something tells me we're gonna' need as much help as we can damn get this season, for sure.

1:08 p.m. - We've got a 4:25 Eastern kick for today's PIVOTAL Raiders (6-5) vs. Chiefs (7-4) game. Whoever wins this one becomes the de facto AFC West frontrunner, and from there, it's really the Raiders season to fuck up.

1:09 p.m. - The Raiders look to rebound from last week's inexplicably horrible 34-3 loss to the Jets against their arch rivals Kansas City, who already beat 'em 28-10 in week two.

1:10 p.m. - ESPN's Football Power Index gives the Chiefs a 90.1 percent chance to win this game. Vegas has K.C. as -11 favorites aginst the Raiders, with the over/under set at 49.

1:11 p.m. - Meanwhile, the money line is set at +475 for the Raiders, which only serves to back up my conspiracy theory that the Raiders intentionally threw last week's game to artificially inflate this week's betting numbers.

1:12 p.m. - For the Raiders, OT Trent Brown is listed as questionable, while K.C. running back Damien Williams is listed as a definite out.

1:13 p.m. - In terms of offensive stats, the Raiders are putting up 243.4 passing yards per game and 122.7 running the rock. Meanwhile, the Chiefs are averaging 315.2 passing yards per game and just 94.4 running the ball.

1:14 p.m. - In terms of defense, the Raiders are allowing 284.7 passing yards per gmae and 104.3 rushing. The Chiefs are allowing 255.4 passing yards per game and 143.1 rushing.

1:15 p.m. - Surprisingly, Derek Carr and Patrick Mahomes' pasing numbers aren't as different as you might think — 2,621 and 15 TDs for Carr and 2,808 yards and 19 touchdowns for Mahomes. Of course, Mahomes also missed a couple of games with a leg injury, too, so you might want to take that into consideration, too.

1:16 p.m. - There's a very good chance Josh Jacobs breaks the 1,000 rushing yard mark today for Oakland. He's got seven TDs and 957 yards heading into today's game, while K.C's top back, LeSean McCoy, has three TDs and 400 yards so far this season.

1:17 p.m. - And expect to see a LOT of tight end passes today for both teams. For the Raiders, Darren Waller leads the team with 707 receiving yards and three scores, while Travis Kelce is the top receiver for the Chiefs, with 833 yards and four TDs.

1:18 p.m. - Alright, I'll be seeing you pricks back here at 4 p.m. Get something to eat, pour another cup of coffee and take as many shits as you deem adequate — you ain't going to want to miss a SECOND of this 'un.

4:31 p.m. - Oh fuck, Tony Romo is doing commentary, so you know it's going to be an insufferable next three and half hours.

4:32 p.m. - Trevor Davis goes down around the OAK 25. Flags are down already.

4:33 p.m. - Holding on the Raiders. That'll push 'em back 10 yards.

4:33 p.m. - The quick dump is deflected and falls incomplete.

4:34 p.m. - Trent Brown IS playing today, by the way. Jacobs gets 12 on the end-around. An easy first down run.

4:35 p.m. - Jacobs gets hit at the line for no gain.

4:35 p.m. - Second and 10. Jacobs runs for about eight.

4:36 p.m. - Third and two. Richard is in the backfield. 

4:36 p.m. - Yep, Richard runs for a first down. 

4:37 p.m. - First and 10. Jacobs gets about five on the pass. Flags are down.

4:38 p.m. - Pass interference against the Raiders pushes them back 10.

4:38 p.m. - First and 20. Jacobs runs for eight.

4:38 p.m. - Second and 12. And Carr's pass is intercepted near midfield. Of course.

4:39 p.m. - First and 10 for the Chiefs. Kelce drops the pass.

4:40 p.m. - Second and 10. Hardman is tripped up one yard shy of the first down marker.

4:41 pm. - Third and one. McCoy ges enough to move the sticks.

4:41 p.m. - McCoy gets about eight on the catch.

4:41 p.m. - Williams gets one on the run. I think that's enough for a new set of downs.

4:42 p.m. - First and 10 at the OAK 24. Mahomes is under pressure and he has to chuck the ball away.

4:43 p.m. - Second and 10. The end zone shot to Watkins falls short.

4:43 p.m. - Third and 10. Now fatass Andy Reid is throwing the red challenge flag, which is usually a cue for his handler to wheel out another bucket of fish for his walrus-like ass.

4:44 p.m. - LOL, the refs say there is no foul and they lose a timeout. Fuck Andy Reid and fuck walruses, in general.

4:46 p.m. - Third and 10. Tyreek Hill has enough to move the chains, and almost enough time to beat his girlfriend some more.

4:47 p.m. - First and goal. The pass to Kelce is incomplete.

4:47 p.m. - Second and goal. Mahomes is under pressure again and just lobs it out of the end zone.

4:48 p.m. - Third and goal. Flags are down before the snap. Offisides on Oakland.

4:49 p.m. - Still third and goal, with the ball at the OAK 3.

4:49 p.m. - The ref makes a touchdown signal, but flags are down.

4:50 p.m. - The refs have a powwow and say there is no block, so the touchdown stands. Fuck the Chiefs, who lead it 7-0 following the succesful XP.

4:51 p.m. - There's 7:26 left in the first. Raiders get the ball back when we return.

Just ... fucking do something, man.

4:55 p.m. - I know I've said this before, but fuck Tony Romo's commentary. Of course, Davis fumbles the ball away on the return, and the Chiefs get it back within the goddamn fuckin' Oakland 20.

4:56 p.m. - McCoy picks up four on the pass. Also, I hate both the black and white parts of Mahomes, for the record. Equally.

4:56 p.m. - Second and six. McCoy gets about four.

4:56 p.m. - Third and one. Williams is going to be marked short of the first-yard stick.

4:57 p.m. - Fourth and one. KC is going for it. AND THE RAIDERS' D STOPS THEM. Thank fuckin' Jesus.

4:59 p.m. - Jacobs runs for 15. That's right, run that fucking ball down their throats, Jonny.

5:00 p.m. - First and 10 at the OAK 30. Jacobs gets about seven on the run.

5:01 p.m. - Second and three. Jacobs with five, and that'll move the sticks. 

5:01 p.m. - Jacobs gets about two, and flags are down.

5:02 p.m. - Holding on the offense. That moves them back 10 yards.

5:02 p.m. - First and 20. Washington picks up the pass for a 28-yard gain.

5:03 p.m. - Washington hauls in the sideline grab for seven.

5:04 p.m. - Second and three. Washington is stopped at the line.

5:04 p.m. - Third and three. False start call on the Raiders.

5:05 p.m. - Third and eight. Carr is under pressure, so he just junks it to the turf.

5:05 p.m. - Raiders have to punt.

5:06 p.m. - And the ball goes down at the KC 2.

5:17 p.m. - Well, I missed that entire last drive, but it looks like the Raiders' D stopped the Chiefs from scoring any points, so hooray for that.

5:18 p.m. - Waller hauls in a big 24-yard catch. 

5:19 p.m. - First and 10 at midfield. Jacobs hit behind the line.

5:20 p.m. - Second and 10. Carr runs for about two under pressure.

5:21 p.m. - Third and nine. Looks like Zay Jones will be one yard short of moving the sticks.

5:22 p.m. - Fourth and one, and the Raiders are going for it.

5:22 p.m. - And Davis doesn't convert. The Chiefs take over on downs.

Yeah, my thoughts EXACTLY.

5:25 p.m. - I'm unironically glad Lamar Hunt is dead. Fuck him

5:25 p.m. - Third and two for the Chiefs. Hill hauls it in to move the chains, and unlike the women he resides with, he goes untouched.

5:26 p.m. - First and 10 at the OAK 39. The 11-yard shot to Kelce under pressure is good.

5:27 p.m. - Looks like Joyner is hurt for the Raiders. Fuckin' great.

5:29 p.m. - Ever notice how Arrowhead Stadium is literally shaped like a giant clitoris?

5:30 p.m. - The deep shot to Kelce is incomplete.

5:31 p.m. - Second and 10. McCoy goes down behind the line. 

5:31 p.m. - Third and 10. Mahomes is under pressure and the shot to Kelce is incomplete. Flags are down.

5:32 p.m. - Holding on Oakland. That's an automatic first down for KC.

5:32 p.m. - Hill gets about nine on the pass. 

5:33 p.m. - KC at the OAK 13. Mahomes scrambles for the TD. No offense, but I really do hope he gets paralyzed on a rushing play one day.

5:34 p.m. - The XP is good. The Chiefs extend heir lead to 14-0 with about six and a half left in the second quarter.

5:36 p.m. - It looks like Kelce is injured. Good.

5:37 p.m. - Raiders take over at their own 25.

5:37 p.m. - Jacobs runs for abou four. 

5:38 p.m. - Second and seven. Waller gets abou six on the catch.

5:38 p.m. - Third and one. And Jacobs moves the sticks.

5:39 p.m. - First and 10, nearing midfield. Jacobs runs for about two.

5:39 p.m. - Second and eight. And there's Kansas City with a pick-six. God-fucking-damn-it-to-motherfucking-hell.

5:40 p.m. - The XP is good. Kansas City leads it 21-0 with 3:42 left in the first half.

5:42 p.m. - Raiders with a second and seven situation. Waller takes it down to the KC 19.

5:42 p.m. - Apparently, my feed was WAY behind. Beats me how the Raiders made it that far downfield, to be honest with you.

5:45 p.m. - The Raiders are finally in the red zone. Jacobs gets stopped WAY behind the line on that one.

5:46 p.m. - Second and 17. The Raiders call a timeout.

5:46 p.m. - The pass is batted down.

5:47 p.m. - Third and 17. The deep shot to Zay Jones is no good.

5:48 p.m. - Here comes Oakland's field goal unit. 

5:48 p.m. - And the kick is NO GOOD, because of course it would.

5:49 p.m. - The Chiefs take over. Kelce gets six on the catch.

5:50 p.m. - The Chiefs call a timeout. 

5:51 p.m. - Second and three. And MAHOMES IS SACKED. Unfortunatley, he isn't mortally injured, though.

5:51 p.m. - Third and 15. The pass to Watkins is incomplete. 

5:52 p.m. - Kansas City punts. Davis goes down at the OAK 30, and yep, that's the end of he first half.

5:53 p.m. - KC leads it 21-0 heading into the third quarter. Fuck this bullshit, right in its big gay ass.

6:37 p.m. - Sorry, I got mad, literally rage quit the game and went to Target.

6:38 p.m. - I come back, and the Chiefs now lead it 31-0 and there's still five minutes left in the third quarter.

6:38 p.m. - Yep, fuck my goddamn fucking life right now.

6:38 p.m. - Raiders at midfield. And Carr gets sacked.

6:39 p.m. - If Kansas City scores one more time, I'm LITERALLY going to say the "n"-word.

6:40 p.m. - Second and 20. Waller with a 17 yard pick up.

6:40 p.m. - Third and two. The Raiders fumble the ball, Jacobs scoops it up and he tries to run it for a first down.

6:41 p.m. - Fourth and one. Ingold converts.

6:41 p.m. - First and 10 at the KC 40. Waller gets about seven on the catch.

6:42 p.m. - Second and two. Ingold gets about 15 on the catch.

6:43 p.m. - Nobdody's open, so Carr just has to lobt the ball away.

6:44 p.m. - Second and 10. Back to Ingold, who loses a yard on the catch.

6:45 p.m. - Third and 11. The deep shot to the end zone falls incomplete, and that's the end of the third.

Here's a riddle for you: what's black and white, has one leg and won't be relevant due to injuries three seasons from now?

6:47 p.m. - Carlson going for a 34-yard field goal. It's good. 

6:48 p.m. - Romo makes a crack about that putting the Raiders within four scores. By the way, Tony Romo is a verified cocksucker, and we all know it.

6:51 p.m. - Oh, hell CBS just cut the feed to the Chargers/Broncos game because this one is so shitty.

6:53 p.m. - OK, so I found another feed. It's three and one for the Chiefs with 12 minutes left in the game. And oh great, Erik Harris is hurt.

6:56 p.m. - The Chiefs, of course, convert on the three-and-one.

6:57 p.m. - First and 10 for K.C. The back gets about nine on the run.

6:58 p.m. - Second and one. K.C. converts again.

6:59 p.m. - Thompson gets four yards.

6:59 p.m. - Thompson easily gets enough to move the sticks on second and six.

7:00 p.m. - It's a third and eight situation for the Chiefs. 

7:01 p.m. - Neutral zone infraction penalty against Oakland.

7:02 p.m. - Third and three. And the Raiders D stops the running back from converting.

7:02 p.m. - And now MORE flags are down. It's an unneccesary roughness penalty on the Raiders. Of course.

7:03 p.m. - First and goal for the Chiefs. The back takes it down to the OAK 3.

7:04 p.m. - Funny how the refs missed that facemask AGAINST Mullins on that last penalty by the way.

7:05 p.m. - And Thompson gets the touchdown. The XP makes it 38-3, Kansas City.

7:05 p.m. - By the way, everybody in Kansas City sucks cock. Just something I figured you should all be aware of.

7:08 p.m. - Derek Carr is still in the game, for some reason.

7:09 p.m. - Second and five. Doss gets about five on the catch.

7:09 p.m. - First and 10. Less than five minutes left. Williams gets tagged for about nine.

7:10 p.m. - Second and one. Waller hauls it in to move the sticks.

7:11 p.m. - Carr hits Jones for about six yrds.

7:11 p.m. - Second and four. Man, I can't WAIT to watch Mahomes get butt-fucked by the Pats' D ... again.

7:11 p.m. - Carr zips it to ... uh, somebody ... for another first down.

7:12 p.m. - First and 10, and there's the two-minute warning.

7:15 p.m. - Waller gets 12 on the pass.

7:16 p.m. - Washington is tagged for about nine yards.

7:16 p.m. - Jim Nance is talking mad shit about the Raiders. Pretty impressive, considering he has Tony Romo's cock in his mouth at the time.

7:17 p.m. - Third and one. Carr hits Carrier, and the Raiders FINALLY get a touchdown pass. 

7:17 p.m. - The XP is blocked, and some cocksucker in red returns it for two extra points. It's 40-9 Kansas City with about a minute left in the game.

7:21 p.m. - The Chiefs just take a knee, and that ends it. 

7:22 p.m. - The loss pushes the Raiders to 6-6 on the year, with a pivotal matchup against Tennessee next week.

7:23 p.m. - Our final from KC? Chiefs 40, Raiders 9.

7:23 p.m. - All I can say is fuck football, fuck the entire state of Missouri and fuck you. Eat shit and goodnight.


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