Featuring “Dirty” Bob Schrijver living up to his namesake, Igor Vovchanchyn showing us what illegal knees oughta’ look like and the promotion debut of some guy named Wanderlei Silva!
Our whirlwind omnibus of the entire Pride Fighting Championship fightography continues with the seventh production from the beloved, dearly departed Japanese MMA promotion, which this time around, is taking place in Yokohama Arena in — that’s right, you guessed it — Des Moines, Iowa. I keed, I keed.
Alright, we start the festivities off with a GREAT intro with this red alert alarm blaring over the arena while helicopter noises echo throughout the PA system. The lighting rig rises, with that patented PRIDE FC VEIL CUBE attached to it. All of a sudden you start hearing like, explosions and gunfire and shit, then some fireworks go off, the arena goes black and some PORN-TASTIC guitar music starts playing while all of the fighters come to the ring and, uh, just stand there and look at the crowd. Quietly. Now THAT is some idiosyncratically Japanese behavior right there, for sure.
Jerking open the proverbial curtain for our evening of fisticuffin’ and joint-breakin’ is a scuffle between BOB SCHLABER (a horrendous misspelling of Bob Schriijver, because the Japanese have not and never will give no fucks about the sanctity of the English language and our ways with pronouns) and DAIJIRO MATSUI, who, yeah, is kinda’ awesome.
As always, Stephen Quadros and Bas Rutten are doing the play-by-play for our festivities here at Yokohama Arena. Looks like Bob has a RIDICULOUS weight advantage in this one, like 50 or so pounds, easy. Matsui shoots for an easy takedown, gets the single-leg and starts working from the open guard. The refs reposition them after an errant elbow shot from Bob and Bas reminds the audience that he’s called “Dirty Bob” for a reason. Matsui lands a head kick while Bob is still on his knees (remember, MMA used to be more awesome than it is now) and goes for a guillotine choke, which Bob easily shakes off. Matsui gets another takedown and goes right back to the open guard. Matsui lands some HARD shots from the top, then Bob lands some decent hammer fists from his back. Quadros asks Rutten if Bob and his MMA-fightin’ wife has a regimen at home, and Bas OBVIOUSLY goes for a fuckin’ joke. Matsui goes for a calf-crank, but he can’t quite get the full heel hook. Bob punches Matsui in the face HARD and the ref warns Matsui for holding on to the rope, that crazy Asian. So Matsui maintains the heel hook, and Bob fights his way out of it. Matsui lands a garage of punches and goes for another single leg. Bob with a knee to the noggin and HARD hammer fists to the back of the head. Bob lands a head kick, some more nasty hammer fists and then Bob gets yellow-carded for ILLEGALLY trying to front kick Matsui’s head off while he was splayed out on all fours. Matsui gets the easiest single leg of all-time and Bob goes right back to the defensive hammer-fisting. Matsui almost has Bob’s back, then he tries to transition for an armor, then Bob shakes him off, then Bob hits some hard shots, then Matsui gets a double leg and he’s back in the full guard. The ref pulls them off the ropes and repositions them right in the middle of the ring. Matsui goes for another armbar, only for Bob to shake him off like he’s nothing, get back to his feet and start stalking his prey. Now Matsui is saying something about his gloves to the ref, and then Bob SUCKER PUNCHES Matsui before the ref allows the action to resume. So yep, that’s TWO yellow cards for Bob now. Somebody in the audience calls Bob a “bitch” and we all chortle. Now Matsui is lobbing some halfway decent combos, and, of course, he shoots for another takedown. Bob finally decides now is a good time to start sprawling, and he hammer fists Matsui good while on the defensive. Now Bob is just WRECKING Matsui with head shots, and then Matsui LITERALLY monkey flips Bob out of the ring. Holy shit, I miss PRIDE FC so much. So Bob re-enters the ring and he’s bleeding from his right nostril a little bit. Matsui gets another single leg, and yep, he’s back in the full mount. Matsui hits a jumping knee and hops right back into the full mount. Matsui goes for a leg lock but he can’t get it, so he LITERALLY double stomps Bob’s chest like he was a goomba in Super Marios Bros. Holy shit, this match rules. Matsui starts stomping Bob’s feet int he cornered Bob just looks at his foe like he’s literally retarded. Bob goes for a jumping knee but doesn’t quite get all of it. Matsui goes for another single leg, and Bob sprawls. Bob hits a standing axe kick to his downed opponent’s chest and Matsui desperately, direly tries to lock in a heel hook in the remaining minute of the match. Now Bob is raining down some HARD left hands. And Bob concludes the fight with a BRUTAL axe kick to the back of Matsui’s head AFTER THE BELL. Now that is COOOOOOOLD-BLOOOODED. The ref says “enough of this shit” and officially disqualifies Bob, thus making Matsui our victor. Matsui’s camp has to keep him from going after Bob in the post-right, and this is just fantastic in every conceivable way.
Up next, it’s Carl Malenko taking on WANDERLEI SILVA. So, yeah, RIP Carl Malenko, in advance. Some English-speaker in the audience screams for Malenko to “protect his ass” during the ring introductions. Man, Silva looked downright SVELTE at this point. And unfortunately, no, we do not get to hear “Sandstorm” accompany him to the ring. Malenko gets a double leg takedown, but Silva counters with a GREAT sweep to side control. Now he falls into the full guard as Carl hangs on for dear life. About a minute in and neither man is doing too much on the ground. Silva gets to his feet and shucks Carl back to the ground. Silva starts landing some HARD knees to the noggin and Carl is once again in side control. The refs Scott them back into the center of the ring. Malenko is in the full mount. He lands a decent-enough right hand. Now Silva is popping the top of Carl’s dome with some hard, short jabs. Malenko fires back with a quick right. Silva lands an elbow shot or two from the bottom. Actually, a whole bunch of them. Silva with more hard shots to the top of the head from the bottom. Silva kicks Carl off and Malenko shoots for a takedown. Looks like Silva has him in a guillotine, but he lets go of it, for some reason. Carl is back in the full mount. Malenko scrambles for a leg lock, but Silva winds up in side control. Silva has Malenko’s back momentarily. Nothing working on that, so he just goes back to punching Malenko’s head hard. Now Silva is working some knees to the rib. Both men are vertical. Silva whiffs on a head kick, then he clinches Malenko and lands some HARD Muay Thai knees. Malenko holds onto Silva’s waist in the corner, preventing him from getting to his feet. Silva lands more hammer fists and now both men are looking very, very winded. One minute to go in the round. Silva with some more shots to the back of the head and Silva looks for a rear naked choke. Silva can’t quite get it, so he just punches Malenko’s head some more until the bell sounds.
Round two. Malenko looks like a member of Coal Chamber, if they were all buff and stuff. Silva lands a head kick early, but doesn’t connect on all of it. Malenko shoots for a double leg in the corner and Silva counters with some VICIOUS knees to the noggin. Now Silva is working from side control. Silva lands some mamby-pamby hammerfists to the side of the skull while Malenko simply tries to avoid dying on the canvas. Malenko reverses and gets another takedown, but he’s too winded to try ANYTHING offensive at this point. Hey, dig that blatant product placement for Gatorade, eh? Silva with some more defensive punches to Carl’s skull, while Malenko tries to make do with a couple of punches to the ribs. Silva with more pillow fists from the bottom. The referee tells them to start doing shit, or else. Malenko’s still in the full mount, but he ain’t doing much of anything. “I think the referee should restart this,” Rutten states. Silva explodes into the full mount and Malenko hugs him for dear life. Silva lands back to back hard lefts from the top. Silva is just smothering Malenko with two minutes left in the round. Silva with some more hard shots and he goes for a rear naked choke. One minute left. Silva lets go of the sub attempt and lands some knees from the side. They scramble for a bit and Silva has Malenko’s back. There’s one more mad scramble and Malenko lands on top, just in time for the bell to sound. Yeah, that’s an obvious decision win for Wanderlei right there. Huh — I wonder if we’ll see more out of him as our PRIDE Fightography continues?
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| Sure, it might look like he's tapping out, but he's really just trying to get a better look at the decals on Inoue's gi. |
Now it’s time for Enson Inoue to do battle with Tonga’s very own Tully Kulihaapai. Yeah, I think we’re just going to call him Tully for our sakes. Tully keeps slapping his head during the ring intro, goading Bas into making a joke about Tully tenderizing his own skull for an ensuing beatdown. Quadros says Enson is wearing a gi with a bunch’ decals on it in the hopes that his foe will try to read the stickers, get distracted and subbed. Fuck, Quadros is awesome. So there’s some mad scrambling early, with Enson getting into the full mount. He unbuttons his gi while on top and he’s LITERALLY trying to tie Tully’s head around his uniform. Enson goes for a straight armor and yep, it’s over JUST LIKE THAT.
The official time, by the way, was 1:15 of round one. Hey, maybe Quardros actually was onto something concerning the whole decal thing …
Next, it’s gonna’ be Maurice Smith taking on Branko Cikatic. OK, SOMEBODY had to end up receiving permanent brain damage in this one, that’s just a foregone conclusion. Some guy yells “FULL CONTACT FIGHTERS” in the crowd, which sounds like it would’ve made a great action figure line at some point in the mid-1990s. Branko working leg kicks early. Smith whiffs on a leg kick of his own. Branko whiffs on a big right hand. Smith with a body lock and Branko hits some defensive skull punches. Branko hits a HUGE hip toss and puts Smith in a headlock. Smith rolls over and winds up in side control. Quadros reminds the audience that Rutten and Smith fought in Pancrase twice, but neither one tells the audience the outcome (for the record, Bas one both fights by submission.) Smith is in the full mount now, then he switches to side control. He’s looking for an armbar, it appears. Branko tries to stand up and Smith has his back. Now both men are vertical again. Smith goes for a left hook but doesn’t really connect. Branko fires back with an overhand right that also doesn’t really connect. They clinch in the corner and the ref makes them start all over again in the middle of the ring. Smith with a kick to the stomach and Branko holds onto the rope to avoid the takedown. So that’s a yellow carding. Time for another clinch in the corner. “They should put like, high voltage on the ropes, and every time he touches it, they push a button,” Rutten says, before concluding the joke with a fantastic electrocution sound effect. Meanwhile, Smith works from side control on the mat, with some hard elbow shots to the side. And then Branko TAPS OUT from, uh, I’m not entirely sure. We’ll need to take a gander at the replay to see what made Branko hit the bitch switch. Apparently, he tapped to that dreaded submission, the “black guy having has wrist over your jugular hold,” which we can all agree, ought to be outlawed. In the post-fight, Smith gives the customary PRIDE participation trophy to the guy who owns K-1, who, let’s face it, is probably in the Yakuza and stuff.
By the way, the stoppage came at 7:33 of round one.
And the good times continue to roll with our next contest, which pits Akira Shoji against Larry "Literally Who?" Parker. Bas says Parker is a nice guy, even though he's never actually seen him fight before. Parker with low kicks early and Shoji fires back with some low kicks of his own. Parker shoots for a big takedown and he gets it. He's woking from the full mount, then he floats over to half guard. Parker punches Shoji on the side of the head a million billion times, but it's not doing that much damage. Parker working from the half guard again. Shoji goes for an ankle pick, but Parker defends it and rolls out of harm's way, primarily by holding onto the ropes (which the ref doesn't call, for some reason.) Parker turtles up while Shoji throws kicks a plenty to his foe's ankles. The ref gets tired of all the inaction and stands 'em both up. Parker immediately shoots for another takedown and yep, he gets it. Shoji goes for a leglock but loses it rather quickly. He hits Parker with a pretty good shot and hops into the full guard. Shoji pretty much takes a nap on top of his adversary while Parker throws some really, really weak-looking punches from the bottom. Shoji springs to his feet and Parker goes right back to the turtling position. The ref stands Parker up again. Larry throws some high kicks and goes for another takedown, only this time Shoji trips him up and kicks him right in the fuckin' sternum and we all chortle. Parker reverts to his tortoise form and Shoji continues to pepper his legs with soccer kicks. The ref stands Parker up yet again. They circle each other for a bit, but nobody's throwing much of anything at this point. Parker lands a head kick, but Shoji blocks most of it. There's a quick punching exchange, but neither man lands clean. Shoji almost connects on a big left, then he trips Parker up for a takedown. There's about 30 seconds left in the round. Shoji proceeds to spend the waning seconds of the first using his foe's belly button as a pillow and yep, there's the bell. For those keeping score at home? That's three unsuccessful leglock attempts from Shoji so far.
Round two. "The fighters are fighting offensively and defensively," Quadros comments. Which, sadly, actually WAS kind of a newfound concept in the fledgling sport of MMA at this point. Quadros then gives us a great analogy using chess pieces as metaphors for fighting, somehow managing to conclude his monologue with an endorsement of the Samuel L. Jackson movie Fresh, somehow. There's some low kicks early and Shoji gets another leg trip takedown. Quadros asks Rutten if fighters are fighting for honor or for money, and Bas gives us a great answer about how MMA eventually becomes a job like anything else. Man, modern-day MMA commentary doesn't get anywhere this philosophical nowadays. "If you don't want to lose, you're going to have to work for it," Bas said, adding that a lot of times fighters lose their competitive spirit as soon as they start making money. So, uh, Shoji has been on top of Parker for the last two minutes, and he hasn't done much of shit over, say, the last 140 seconds or so. Bas makes a joke about the Japanese fighters fighting for both food stamps and drink stamps, then he says some stuff about the "samurai spirit" making up for the lack of pay. Quadros asks Rutten who the "American" Shoji is and he responds by saying Jens Pulver which is LITERALLY the goddamn perfect answer. So Shoji keeps laying on Parker, then he rolls out of the way and explodes for a shitty kneebar attempt, which Shoji, obviously, shakes off like it was nothing. Shoji quickly hops back into the full mount, where he immediately goes back to doing nothing at all. Shoji gets back to his feet and he lets Parker stand up, too. Bas says Caol Uno looks like the kind of guy who gets high a lot, and then Shoji hits a shoot spinebuster on Parker. Yep, back to the full mount for Shoji. Parker looks for a forearm choke, but there ain't no way in a million years he's ever getting that shit. Two minutes to go in the fight. Shoji lets his opponent stand up again and he clips Parker with a HARD right. Shoji with a low kick, a GREAT right hand, a quick flurry and Parker falls on his anus. Shoji lands a few shots on the ground, but he quickly hops back to his feet. Parker goes for a shootdown, only for Shoji to counter it, land a takedown of his own and fall into the full guard. Shoji then spends the final 30 seconds of the fight taking a nap on Parker's stomach and really, who could blame him? That guy's got a really comfortable-looking tummy, after all.
Alright, let's take it to the judges. Oh shit, the refs rule it a draw, so these two have got to go another five minutes. Both Quadros and Bas say Parker looks visibly injured, and as soon as the bell sounds, Shoji low kicks the fuck out of his foe, lands some hard shots and ground and pounds for a bit before letting Parker back to his feet. Shoji gets another good shot in before taking Parker to the mat again. Quadros says he thinks the 11-year age differential between the two fighters MAY be playing a role in the stamina component of this fight. Well, duh, you Demon Wind starring asshole. Both fighters look BEYOND gassed at this point. The refs push the fighters back into the middle of the ring and Quadros asks Bas what his favorite sport is. Surprise, it's mixed martial arts, primarily because women stripping isn't technically a sport. No, he literally says that. So the two are standing again and trading leg kicks like some leg-kicking motherfuckers. Parker goes for another takedown and Shoji hits another shoot spinebuster. Shoji quickly pulls off his foe and we end the final 30 seconds of this fight with both men standing. Shoji lands a kick, gets a facile takedown and we end with Shoji landing some rather feeble-looking punches in the full mount until the bell rings. OK, let's go to the judges AGAIN. Yep, it's a unanimous decision win for Shoji, because as crooked as the Japanese judges are, they aren't THAT crooked. Or, at least THAT crooked at THIS particular juncture in Pride's history, anyway.
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| Scoff if you want, but if you knew how bad Branko's allergies were, you'd be amazed he lasted THAT long before tapping. |
Next, we've got Kazushi Sakuraba taking on Anthony Macias, who is, um, some guy they just found behind an alleyway somewhere, probably. Of course, Saku gets a HUGE reaction from the crowd, because Japanese nationalism is still a thing. Macias lands a right head kick just seconds into the round, then Saku hits a high kick of his own, then Macias gets some hard jabs in and then Saku clinches Macias for a very slow takedown. Oh shit, now I remember Macias, he's the dude who fought Dan Severn back at UFC 4. That's actually a pretty underrated fight, if I remember it correctly. So Saku is working from the full mount, then he transitions over into side control. Macias is throwing some hard punches from the bottom and Saku appears to be going for a leg lock. Give Macias some credit, that guy can throw punches off his back a LOT better than most dudes can. Saku hops back into side control and elbows the shit out of Macias' ribs. Saku looks to be setting up an armbar, but he's definitely taking his sweet time. Macias, however, escapes and gets back to his feet. Saku whiffs on a high kick and Macias fires back with some low kicks. He lands a half combo and Saku fires back with an even better combo. Macias misses on a spinning backfist and Saku gets hooks in and lands a fucking BEAUTIFUL spinning suplex takedown. Saku is back in side control while the fans LITERALLY howl like werewolves. Saku hops into the full mount and lands a SHOOT MONGOLIAN CHOP, then Macias goes for an upkick, then Saku takes a running start and lands a SHOOT single leg dropkick to his foe's noggin. Goddamn, Saku was EVERYTHING the hype wanted you to believe him to be and then some back in the day. We've got a minute to go and Saku keeps working from the full mount. Saku gets to his feet and LITERALLY spins Macias around by his ankle and Macis concludes the round by kicking Saku right in the balls while he's going for a mid-air double stomp.
Round two. Saku with a spinning back kick to the gut. Macias tries to get Saku's back, but he just shucks him off like a bag of flour. Macias defends fairly well from the bottom, apparently going for a guillotine choke. Saku, of course, escapes, and starts working from side control again. Saku is working for an armbar again. He's almost got it. Macias is fighting like crazy to escape, but he just can't make it. He taps before Saku can hyper-extend his arm, and Saku's magical Pride FC run doth continue. The official time of the stoppage, for those of you curious, was 2:30 of the second round. In Saku's post-fight speech, Quadros say he thinks he just asked Allan Goes for a rematch. But then again, Quadros don't speak Japanese, so who knows what the fuck he really said, even 20 years later.
Alright, time for our main event — Mark Kerr vs. Igor Vovchanchyn. Man, Kerr has some really, really dark nipples. Motherfuckers look like giant olives, really. Kerr with low kicks early and Igor land a big right hand from the clinch. Igor bullies Kerr into the corner, hits Igor with a high kick and Igor responds with a HUGE jab that has Kerr falling flat on his ass. Kerr is bleeding already, but at least he's able to land the takedown on the follow-through. Kerr works from the full mount, but the term "works" here is used very, very loosely. Kerr with some decent punches from up top. Looks like Kerr is bleeding from his eye, too. Actually, he is GUSHING out the red stuff now. Kerr with some effete punches to the ribs, but that's about the extent of his offense from the full mount. Kerr goes for an axe kick, then both men are back to their feet. Igor lands a BIG right hand and Kerr shoots for another takedown. He lands it. "That was outrageous," Quadros comments. Igor with punches to the head from the bottom while Kerr does absolutely nothing from up top. Quadros brings up Mark Coleman's "loss" to Takada from a couple of shows back and you can literally FEEL Bas biting his tongue to keep from saying it was a bullshit fixed finish. Three minutes to go and Kerr is continuing to land light headshots periodically, but that's about it. "I really don't know how they put the fights together," Bas says of Pride's booking process. Kerr gets vertical and it looks like he's going for a knee bar. Kerr says "nah, fuck that shit" and just hops back into the full mount, where Igor peppers his noggin with effete punch after effete punch. One minute to go in the round. Kerr does NOTHING as Igor continues to pussy punch him from the bottom. Holy fuck, this is a lay and pray clinic right here. After the bell, Quadros says Kerr complained to the ref that he was getting rabbit punched, while one of Mark's cornermen can be heard audibly saying "sonofabitch," and we all laugh accordingly.
Round two. "As boring as it may be to lay on him, he may not have any other options," Quadros says of Kerr's strategy. Like clockwork, Kerr lands the takedown and the lay and pray continues. Mark Coleman looks all concerned and shit on the outside. Igor gets back to his feet and Kerr responds by hitting a HUGE double leg takedown. Yay, more lay and pray! Bas says something about "stamina" being something in somebody's head, but the way he says it he could have easily said something about his heart, so who knows what point he was trying to make here. Igor with some upkicks (kinda) and Kerr looks gassed as all fuck. Both commentators agree Igor won the first round, but they also acknowledge that they have no idea how Pride scores shit like takedowns, so who knows what the judges will do. Igor EXPLODES, hits a huge jab, a hard knee, and then he KNOCKS KERR THE FUCK OUT with about three or four hard patellas to the skull while he's on all fours. Of course, that's illegal as fuck, and Quadros IMMEDIATELY wonders out loud if Kerr pretended to be knocked out to get the DQ victory. The judge technically waves it off at the 4:36 mark of the second, but as fate would have it, the Pride powers-that-were ultimately decided to overturn Igor's win and declare the whole thing a no contest. So, technically-speaking, this main event never happened. You know, technically-speaking and what not.
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| Good to see the ref waited until just the fifth illegal knee to the skull to stop the fight. |
In the grand pantheon of PRIDE FC shows, I guess Part 7 is one of the least noteworthy from the promotion’s formative years. In fact, pretty much the only reason anybody talks about it is because it represents Wanderlei Silva’s company debut, who I hear went on to do some pretty important things in the world of Japanese MMA in just a few short years.
Thankfully, by this point, the upper brass at PRIDE figured out how rounds work, so we’re spared any 45-minute long glorified exhibition bouts like we were treated to in the first couple of PRIDE shows. And while there’s nothing within PRIDE 7 I’d consider truly phenomenal (save for the opening Matsui/Schrijber bout, which is just pure D, spectacularly violent greatness), there’s nothing on the show I’d consider notably bad, either. Yes, the respective Shoji and Saku bouts weren’t as good as some of their previous PRIDE outings, but at least they were competitive. And the one-sided drubbings were especially entertaining, most particularly the Smith/Cikatic debacle in which the latter became arguably the first MMA fighter in history to ever tap out due to temporary discomfort.
So yeah, if you’re a hardcore enough MMA fan, this show is probably worth tracking down, but if you don’t really have a pre-existing reverence for PRIDE, there’s nothing here that would likely convert you into a lifelong fan.
Oh, and one more thing — for some reason, the U.S. DVD release conveniently omits a pro (read: faked) wrestling match between Alexander Otsuka and Nobuhiko Takada, which you can view at your convenience (pending YouTube don’t take it down, of course) anytime you want right here. All in all, it isn’t a bad little wannabe RINGS performance, with lots of low kicks and Otsuka breaking out some fairly respectable double leg takedowns from time-to-time (and a fisherman suplex to boot!) Still, that tells you a lot about what the suits at PRIDE thought about Takada’s booking — I mean, this is the same company that left in a long-ass self-defense exhibition with the Gracies taking down knife-wielding actors in one of their earlier releases, after all. So if they considered Takada’s faked fisticuffs even lamer than that, you’ve got to figure that’s about the lowest vote of confidence imaginable, wouldn’t you?
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