ESPN and Bleacher Report can eat it — THESE are the only pro football rankings that matter, anywhere and everywhere.
By: Jimbo X
This Week’s Episode:
“POST-SEASON GREETINGS!”
THE ELITES
#001
Baltimore Ravens (14-2)
Season Point Differential: +249
The two-loss Ravens already had a first-round bye clinched, so the team’s 28-10 win over Pittsburgh in the regular season finale was — overkill, I suppose? Of course, obvious NFL MVP Lamar Jackson was sidelined for the contest, which allowed Robert Griffin III to put on a performance for the ages — 11 for 21 passing, for 96 yards, no touchdowns and one interception — in what HAS to be his last NFL start (you know, barring Lamar Jackson doesn’t get hurt or something in the playoffs … which would TOTALLY never happen, right, guys?)
#002
New England Patriots (12-4)
Season Point Differential: +195
All T.B. and pals had to do Sunday was best the consensus pick for worst team in the League and they secured themselves a first round bye in the playoffs. Well, somehow, the Pats actually ended up LOSING 27-24 to the Dolphins in week 17, which means the Patriots will wind up hosting an ultra-dangerous Titans squad in Saturday night’s wildcard round matchup. Don’t like now, but this very well could be Tom Brady’s final game as a Patriot, pending N.E. shits the bed big-time against Tennessee — if not his final pro football start ever.
#003
San Francisco 49ers (13-3)
Season Point Differential: +169
The 49ers topped Seattle 26-21 in the final game of the 2019 regular season in dramatic fashion, with the San Fran D stopping the Hawks at the one-yard line on an incredible defensive stand. That win gives the Niners the first seed in the NFC bracket, meaning they’ll get both a first-round bye and home field advantage throughout the playoffs. It also means they’re guaranteed to take on the Eagles, Seahawks and Vikings for the team’s first playoffs matchup on Jan. 11 — all of which provide plenty of intriguing possibilities for mammoth upsets, naturally.
#004
Kansas City Chiefs (12-4)
Season Point Differential: +143
The Chiefs locked up the No. 2 seed in the AFC playoffs by virtue of the team’s 31-21 win over the Chargers Sunday (and yes, the Pats losing 27-24 to the Dolphins, too.) That means K.C. is guaranteed to host New England, Houston or Buffalo for a Jan. 12 divisional round matchup. In the regular season, the Chiefs beat New England 23-16 in week 14, but fell to the Texans 31-24 in week six. Overall, Kansas City hasn’t lost a game since Nov. 10, when they got upset by eventual AFC No. 6 seed Tennessee 35-32 on the road.
#005
New Orleans Saints (13-3)
Season Point Differential: +117
The Saints ran roughshod over the Panthers in the team’s regular season finale, pounding dat pussy 42-10 on the road. Drew Brees went 19 for 30 for 253 yards and three TD passes in the blowout win, with Tre’Quan Smith leading the team in receiving numbers (56 yards and one score on five catches, in case you were wondering.) Alas, despite going 13-3, the Saints’ seasonal showing wasn’t strong enough to earn them a first round bye; rather, they’ll be hosting the sixth-seeded Vikings for a Superdome Showdown this Sunday — and come on, it’s not like crazy, wacky things ever happen when these two teams pair up for the postseason, does it?
#006
Dallas Cowboys (8-8)
Season Point Differential: +113
Well, the good news, I suppose, is that the Cowboys beat the Redskins 47-16 on Sunday. The bad news is, the Eagles also won, which means Dallas ain’t gonna’ be in the playoffs in 2020. Yes, yes, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of fruitful finger-pointing throughout the offseason, but at least America’s Team can take solace in knowing Dak Prescott (23 for 333, 303 yards, four TDs) closed out the year with a really, really solid statistical performance, right? RIGHT?!?
#007
Minnesota Vikings (10-6)
Season Point Differential: +104
The Vikings fell 21-19 to the Bears Sunday in a game that really didn’t matter, considering Minnesota secured the sixth and final seed in the NFC bracket, like, two weeks ago or something. Alas, don’t expect to see the likes of Sean Mannion (12 for 21, 126 yards, two INTs) or Mike Boone (148 yards, 17 carries and one TD) THIS weekend, when Minnesota travels to Louisiana for a wildcard round showdown with the Saints. And yeah, simply using these two teams’ recent postseason history, I’d fully expect something fucking wacky to happen in this one, for sure.
#008
Tennessee Titans (9-7)
Season Point Differential: +071
The Titans controlled their own destiny over the weekend, and they put an exclamation point on that shit with a commanding 35-14 win over the Texans. The victory gives Tennessee the sixth and final seed in the AFC bracket, which means Ryan Tannehill and pals will be traveling to Foxboro this weekend for a game with INCREDIBLY high upset potential. I mean, after Derrick Henry gashed up the Texans for 211 yards and three touchdown runs, what do you think he might do to an ailing Pats’ defense that let Ryan Fitzpatrick collect 320 yards against ‘em Sunday?
THE PLAYOFFS HOPEFULS
#009
Green Bay Packers (13-3)
Season Point Differential: +063
With a first round bye on the line, the Packers opted to start the regulars for Sunday’s matchup against the Lions, which ultimately boiled down to a much tougher 23-20 road win that most anticipated. A-Rod went 27 for 55 for 323 yards, two TDs and 1 INT in the win, while A-Jones had 100 yards (but no scores) on 25 carries. The next time we’ll see the Packers in play will be Jan. 12, when Green Bay hosts one of the following teams for a divisional round throw down: the Saints, Eagles or Seahawks.
#010
Buffalo Bills (10-6)
Season Point Differential: +055
With the fifth seed in the AFC bracket nailed down weeks ago, the Bills played it very safe and let Matt Barkley take most of the snaps for Sunday’s utterly meaningless 13-6 loss to the Jets. Of course, you should expect to see a LOT more play from Josh Allen in this weekend’s wildcard matchup against the Texans. Right now, Vegas has home-standing Houston listed as a -3.5 favorite, with over/under set at 42.5. And in case you forgot it, a lot of odd shit does seem to go down every time the Bills play a team from Houston in the postseason …
#011
Philadelphia Eagles (9-7)
Season Point Differential: +031
All the Eagles had to do to get into the playoffs was beat the lowly Giants Sunday, and beat them, they did, to the tune of 34-17 in a game that saw Carson Wentz for 23 for 40 for 289 yards and one TD pass. Of course, the real story of the game was the impressive play from running back Boston Scott, who called it a contest with 54 yards and THREE end zone visits on just 19 carries. Needless to say, such fantastic ground production would be greatly appreciated for this weekend’s home stand against the Seahawks, who head into Sunday’s contest as the momentary -2 favorite.
#012
Los Angeles Rams (9-7)
Season Point Differential: +030
No matter how we phrase it it’s going to sound like a back-handed compliment, but the Rams really are the best team in the League this season that isn’t good enough to make the playoffs. Of course, going from a Super Bowl berth to a 9-7, postseason-less year is a huge step in the wrong direction, but at least Jared Goff closed out the year on a high note: in Sunday’s 31-24 win over the Cardinals, he went 29 for 45 for 319 yards and THREE td passes (with Cooper Kupp leading the team in receiving, with 99 yards and one end zone visit on seven grabs.)
#013
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-9)
Season Point Differential: +009
Jameis Winston capped off the 2019 season with — what else? — a game-closing pick six in Sunday’s 28-22 loss to arch rivals Atlanta. To say that the former Seminole QB has had a BIZARRE year would be putting it mildly. His 12 for 24, 201 yards, two TD/two INT performance over the weekend is just a microcosm of his even weirder season as a whole, in which he threw the second most TDs in the League (33) AND the most interceptions (40.) And with 47 ass flattenings on his stats sheet, he was the fourth most-frequently sacked QB in the NFL this past season, to boot.
#014
Seattle Seahawks (11-5)
Season Point Differential: +007
IF Jacob Hollister would’ve crossed the goal line in the waning seconds of the fourth quarter in Sunday night’s marquee matchup, the Seahawks would’ve won the NFC West and had at least ONE home game for the playoffs. Instead, Seattle dropped a heartbreaker 26-21 to arch rivals San Fran and now find themselves traveling to Philadelphia for a VERY dangerous wildcard battle this weekend. Only time will tell if the tandem of Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch can recreate some of the magic of the team’s 2014 Super Bowl run — or if it’s a one-and-done postseason showing for R.W. and Beast Mode in 2020.
#015
Houston Texans (10-6)
Season Point Differential: -007
The Titans controlled their own destiny over the weekend, and they put quite the exclamation point on that shit with a commanding 35-14 win over the Texans. The victory gives Tennessee the sixth and final seed in the AFC bracket, which means Ryan Tannehill and pals will be traveling to Foxboro this weekend for a game with INCREDIBLY high upset potential. I mean, after Derrick Henry gashed up the Texans for 211 yards and three touchdown runs, what do you think he might do to an ailing Pats’ defense that let Ryan Fitzpatrick collect 320 yards against ‘em Sunday?
#016
Los Angeles Chargers (5-11)
Season Point Differential: -008
The Chargers capped off a horrible 5-11 season with a 31-21 loss to the Chiefs Sunday. Phil Rivers had another bad game, going 31 for 46 for 281 yards, two touchdown passes and two interceptions, in addition to getting sacked three times for negative 23 yards. At this point, one has to assume the Chargers have to be thinking about landing an heir apparent at the QB position in the draft — or, at the very least, formulating some sort of scheme to cut bait in the offseason and land some notable name in the run-up to the team’s grand debut in that fancy new SoFi Stadium of theirs this autumn.
THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK
#017
Indianapolis Colts (7-9)
Season Point Differential: -012
The Colts fall to 7-9 on the year with Sunday’s 38-20 loss to the Jags. Jacoby “Whisker Biscuit” Brissett went 12 or 25 for 162 yards and no TD passes in the loss, and he got sacked three times for a cumulative loss of 19 yards on the day. At least underrated running back Marlon Mack looked pretty good in the defeat, though, collecting 77 yards and two end zone visits on 15 carries. Hey, if he keeps that up, he might be playing for a legit playoffs-caliber team in a season or two …
#018
Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8)
Season Point Differential: -014
The Steelers needed to beat the Ravens and hope the Titans lost on Sunday to sneak into the playoffs. Well, as apparent by the 28-10 win by Baltimore’s JV squad this past weekend, the only postseason PItty’s gonna’ see this year is on Madden ’20. Devlin Hodges’ performance, however, should be noted; at the final horn, he went a miserable (if not borderline-retarded) nine for 25 for 95 yards and no touchdowns — 77 yards overall, if you factor in the two sacks he ate (just like your mama does, probably.)
#019
Chicago Bears (8-8)
Season Point Differential: -018
After winning the NFC North last year, the Bears took a big backslide in 2019, ultimately wrapping up the year with a .500 record following Sunday’s utterly meaningless 21-19 win over the Vikings. Up against Minnesota’s JV squad, Mitchell “The Bitchell” Trubisky hardly looked any better than he did against the Vikes’ regular starters, ultimately going 26 for 37 for 207 yards and no TD passes — and eating four sacks for negative 28 yards on the day in the process.
#020
Atlanta Falcons (7-9)
Season Point Differential: -018
The Falcons end the year on a four-game winning streak, which still isn’t enough to get them above .500 for ’19. In Sunday’s 28-22 win over Tampa Bay, Matt Ryan went 30 for 51 for 313 yards and one TD pass, but in the process he got sacked SIX times for negative 27 yards on the day. While the Falcons are certainly tempted to pluck out a new franchise QB in the draft, something tells me they’ll wind up focusing on patching up all those holes in the O-line — otherwise, whoever’s under center in 2020 is going to be roadkill before the Pro Bowl selections are even announced.
#021
Denver Broncos (7-9)
Season Point Differential: -034
The Broncos handed the Oakland Raiders their last loss in team history, besting their arch rivals 16-15 in a game that came down to the wire. Overall, Drew Lock looked pretty solid in the victory, going 17 for 28 for 177 yards and one TD pass, with top receiver DaeSean Hamilton collecting 65 yards on five catches. Of course, the run game could’ve used a spark here or two, as Denver’s top rusher Phillip Lindsay could only muster 53 yards, and no touchdowns, on 18 carries.
#022
Cleveland Browns (6-10)
Season Point Differential: -058
Following Sunday’s 33-23 loss to the Bengals, the Browns fired their head coach and look to enter the 2020-21 campaign back at square one. Baker Mayfield’s befuddling performance in the weekend loss was pretty emblematic (or is that symptomatic?) of Cleveland’s woeful inconsistency throughout the season. At the final horn, the former Oklahoma QB went 12 for 27 for 279 yards, three TD passes and three interceptions. And oh yeah, he got sacked SIX times for minus 40 yards, overall, for good measure.
#023
Arizona Cardinals (5-10-1)
Season Point Differential: -081
Kyler Murray concluded his rookie NFL season with a disappointing 31-24 loss to the Rams, in a contest that saw the former Oklahoma standout go 26 for 42 for 325 yards and a two-to-two TD-to-INT split. In arguably the toughest division in all of pro football, the Cards’ 5-10-1 final record might actually be overachievement to some extent; let’s see what the management can do in the offseason, and with enough luck (and deft free agency acquisitions), this team could easily be a team with a winning record next year.
#024
Detroit Lions (3-12-1)
Season Point Differential: -082
The Lions fought WAY harder than anybody expected in Sunday’s 23-20 loss to the Packers, which I suppose ought to give the Detroit faithful SOME optimism heading into the offseason. Backup-backup David Blough went 12 for 29 for 122 yards, no TD passes and one INT in the tough loss, with top receiver Kenny Golladay collecting 72 yards (albeit, with not TDs) on three catches. The Lions are set to have the third overall pick in the first round of the NFL draft — we’ll just have to wait and see if the upper brass has enough faith in Matthew Stafford this offseason, or if the Lions’ management decides to roll the dice on whichever quarterback conveniently falls into their lap.
ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT
#025
New York Jets (7-9)
Season Point Differential: -083
The Jets improve to 7-9 on the season following Sunday’s 13-6 win over the Bills, who, let’s face it really weren’t trying this weekend. Still, your have to be pretty excited about Sam Darnold’s development over the season — in fact, with 3,024 total passing yards, a 19-13 TD-to-INT ratio and a 61.9 percent completion rate, he may very well be the best quarterback in the AFC East in five years’ time. Maybe.
#026
Jacksonville Jaguars (6-10)
Season Point Differential: -097
The Jags bested the Colts 38-20 on Sunday, ultimately improving to 6-10 on the year. THE GARDNER MINSHEW went 27 for 39 for 295 yards, three touchdown passes and one interception in the 18-point victory, with each of his passes falling into the loving, cradling arms of a different receiver. Leading the team in catches for the regular season finale was Dede Westbrook, who is not only STILL playing pro football, but apparently playing it rather admirably with 72 yards and one TD on seven catches in the weekend win.
#027
Oakland Raiders (7-9)
Season Point Differential: -106
The last Raiders game before the team relocates to Vegas was a heartbreaker, as Oakland lost 16-15 to arch rivals Denver on a fourth and goal flub in the red zone. Obviously, there are going to be a LOT of questions about the team’s direction in the offseason, the most notable one being the upper brass’ decision on whether or not to keep Derek Carr as the team’s franchise QB or cut bait and roll the dice with a new quarterback via the draft. We here at TIIIA ain’t in the mood to conjecture on that, but what we can provide you is LIVE(ish) play-by-play commentary from Week 17’s contest AS IT HAPPENED, which you can revisit any time you want (for whatever reason, I can’t explain) right here.
#028
New York Giants (4-12)
Season Point Differential: -110
The Giants closed out their dreadful 4-12 season with a 34-17 loss to the Eagles Sunday. Obviously, the big story of the offseason is going to be the inevitable retirement/release of former franchise QB Eli Manning, which will most certainly be emotional AF and probably triggering to Tom Brady for added hilarity. Of course, this franchise can’t dwell on the past for too long; expect Daniel Jones and Saquon Barkley to make a lot of gains in the 2020-21 season — or maybe not, we’re not really good at predicting the future around these parts.
#029
Carolina Panthers (5-11)
Season Point Differential: -130
At the halfway point of the season, the Panthers were 5-3 and looked like a bona fide playoffs contender. Then, they lost EIGHT games in a row, concluding the dismal year with a 42-10 ass-crushing at the hands of the Saints Sunday. With Cam Newton a goner, the Panthers are stuck with either Kyle Allen or Will Grier as the team’s “franchise QB” options, which sorta’ raises the question: how well can Christian McCaffrey throw the ball, exactly?
#030
Cincinnati Bengals (2-14)
Season Point Differential: -141
Call it a hunch, but I’m guessing the Bengals’ 33-23 win over Cleveland Sunday is the LAST time you’re going to be seeing Andy Dalton under center for Cincy. With the first overall pick in the 2020 NFL draft, it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the Bengals are going to select LSU QB Joe Burrow, pending he doesn’t get paralyzed in the National Championship Game or say the N-word on live television before then. Alas, as woeful as Cincy’s quarterback play has been in 2019, that shouldn’t detract from the stellar ground efforts from running back Joe Mixon, who wrapped up the year with 162 yards and two scores on 26 carries — indeed, he finished the year with 8 touchdowns as a rusher and a receiver, with a grand total of 1,137 yards’ worth of ground production in ’19.
#031
Washington Redskins (3-13)
Season Point Differential: -169
The Redskins concluded their awful, awful 3-13 season with a 47-16 loss to the Cowboys, which is about as fitting a way to end the year as I can think of. With Case Keenum (18 or 37 for 205 yards, one TD and one INT) and Adrian Peterson (13 carries, 78 yards, no scores) both disappointing, one can’t help but wonder if Washington will invest in a new No. 1 QB and a new No. 1 RB in the draft. Of course, considering Dan Snyder’s still running things, odds are they’ll draft a defensive end with the second overall pick, go 4-12 in ’20 and call it progress anyway.
#032
Miami Dolphins (5-11)
Season Point Differential: -188
Ryan Fitzpatrick went 28 for 41 for 320 yards and one TD in the Dolphins 27-24 over the Patriots Sunday. Yeah, you heard me right, win. Over New England. With Tom Brady and all the other regular starters playing. At 5-11, the Fins are looking at a top ten first round draft pick, which — by all modes of empirical logic — would seem to be reserved for a new quarterback. Alas, we’ll see if the Fins roll the dice on Tua or Justin Herbert that low in the order … regardless, it’s hard to imagine Miami concluding the 2020 regular season with Bitch-Magic still handing snaps, in any scenario.
0 comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.