Five Reasons Why Leah from the Enbrel Commercial is the Perfect Woman

She just wanted to tell us about rheumatoid arthritis. Instead, she won an entire nation's heart

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@Jimbo_American

For as long as I can remember, I’ve kinda’ had a thing for redheads. Don’t ask me why, maybe it was seeing Peg Bundy and April O’Neil prancing about on the TV screen when I was four and having these weird feelings in my wing-wong whenever Poison Ivy tried to swap spit with somebody on Batman: The Animated Series when I was in elementary school. Whatever the origin of my ginger fetish, let’s just say it’s been quite pronounced throughout my life, from that unrequited crush I had in the sixth grade on that bad-ass, devil-worshipping Wiccan eighth-grader with the auburn coif (which, almost certainly, likewise kickstarted my goth kink) to my first real college girlfriend — this carrot-headed minx who used to wear these really tight spandex shirts while we dry humped in her basement. Sigh — sometimes, If I close my eyes long enough, I can still taste the papaya lipgloss on the back of my uvula and the sensation of her AA cups jabbing me in the ribs. 

And really, the only thing better than some hot, young-ish redheaded skank, of course, is a MILF-y, middle-aged redheaded skank. Take Julianne Moore, for example. Do you know how many times I’ve watched that one part in Savage Grace where she tries to de-gay her homo son by riding him like coin-operated merry-go-round outside K-Mart? Well, lemme tell you, people, it’s a lot.

So naturally, I’ve got something of a built-in radar for redheaded MILFs, like a sixth sense that alerts me to the presence of orange-haired women in the 35-54 demographic. And you better believe my MILF detector went off like crazy the first time I saw THAT Enbrel commercial featuring a character actor known only as “Leah.”

Now folks, I don’t really know what the fuck “moderate to severe rhemutoid arthiritis” is supposed to entail, but I do know what makes me heart swoon and my loins tingle. In the “traditional” sense there’s nothing explicitly alluring or enticing or even overtly sexual about the actress. In fact, she looks like a fairly thin, small-breasted, kinda’ weird-faced redhead with spindly-ass E.T. fingers. But the more I watched the commercial — and the more I watched this “Leah” character gad about — the deeper my attraction grew. And after about 50-60 consecutive spins of the ad, it suddenly dawned on me; not only is “Leah” the perfect spokeswoman for minute-long joint pain infomercials, she’s pretty much the perfect woman altogether. As a matter of fact, I managed to chalk up no less than five reasons why the Enbrel spokes-arthritis sufferer is the absolue apogee of the American female form, in this, they Year of our Lord 2020, which I will gladly recount for you right here and now ...

Reason Number One:

She has reasonable fashion sensibilities

Deep down, every guy wants a modest woman. The media may be hellbent on selling us the “Ramona Flowers” type, but in this day and age, not being a rainbow-haired, multi-pierced, severely tattooed skank actually makes you stand out EVEN MORE against the parade of womenfolks. There’s nothing showy or garish or ostentatious or even overtly sexual about Leah’s wardrobe. She’s the kinda’ gal who is more than content rocking blue jeans and a sweatshirt, a flannel checkmarked jacket or a neon-pink windbreaker for recreational activities, with no efforts at all to accentuate her breasts or buttocks. And not only is her makeup tasteful, it’s pretty much nonexistent — in fact, “Leah” might just be the first female character I’ve seen on TV in five years who doesn’t have eight-inch fingernails painted the same color as primary Kool-Aid hues. Take note, lasses — this is what constitutes “natural beauty,” not a $250 weekly tab at Ulta, for Christ’s sake.

Reason Number Two:

She knows how to entertain

Alas, as traditional as she may be in day-to-day life, that’s not say our heroine doesn’t enjoy guzzying herself up every now and then for special occasions. For example, she has no apprehensions whatsoever about donning her flashiest sequins and dolling her hair up in one of those Fox News anchor “skunk rolls” I’ve always been strangely turned on by for ‘80s night at the local karaoke club with her girlsquad. There is nothing more attractive to a real man than a woman who is totally tranquil and domestic 95 percent of the time, but a complete and total sex diva 5 percent of the week, and “Leah” has this totally figured out. After seeing your spouse wearing pastel-hued Bill Cosby sweaters all week, don’t you think her husband is going to be all sorts of hot and bothered when she comes home rocking stretchy, form-fitting blue yoga pants and hellcat red lipstick, with the odor of one-too-many cosmopolitans and Bon Jovi ballads on her breath?

Reason Number Three:

She loves to make a good pizza

I’ve long believed that one of the keys to any healthy, long-term relationship is a mutual interest in cuisine. Guys, if you’re looking to get a gal’s panties moist in no time, invite her over to your place and ask her to help you cook up some sort of esoteric dish — by the time you figure out where you left the gorgonzola cheese, not only will she be ready to go down on you, she might even be on the verge of raw dogging you right there next to the premium arugula. Naturally, making weird-ass, ultra-extravagant dishes is one of my favorite things to do in life just in general terms, so watching “Leah” beam ear-to-ear as she sprinkles miscellaneous meats and cheeses on her homemade ‘za absolutely warms the cockles of my heart. And also my reproductive glands, but that should pretty much be accepted as a given at this point in the article.

Reason Number Four:

She understands the importance of physical activity

No guy in his right mind wants to be with some bitch who just sits on her large ass all day. Alas, that’s the fate of about 85 percent of all guys ever in history, who inevitably wind up with some ovulating couch potato that likes to blame her blatant inactivity on, sigh, pre-diabetes or glandular fever or whatever obesity-excuse-du-jour is making the rounds that day. That’s why it’s so nice and refreshing to see Leah — who, unlike a super-majority of contemporary American women, already has a scientifically acceptable body mass index range — use her leisure time to engage in health-conscience pursuits like woodland biking, which is WAY better than urban biking, because we all know the skags who do that shit are just a buncha’ bourgeoise show-off cunts. So props to you, Leah, for knowing the importance of maintaining a healthy body weight and getting plenty of vigorous exercise — all I can say is I wish more women followed your lead here.

Reason Number Five:

Let’s face it — we ALL know why she really has arthritis

According to the WebMD, there’s a lot of different causes and catalysts for arthritis. Among other factors, the website (which, by the way, has a FUCK ton of ads on it, probably the most I’ve seen on any legit webpage since the heyday of GeoCities) lists things like age, weight, genes and everybody’s favorite, fungal infections, as potential/possible/plausible explanations for said joint pains. But in the case of “Leah,” it’s kinda’ hard to pinpoint any of those factors as the root cause of her hand-centric RA. Obviously, she’s not fat and she’s not that old, and while I can’t see her cooch in the ad, I’m gonna’ go on ahead and assume that her nether regions aren’t sprouting legumes and mold spores. So why does our No. 1 Enbrel-fu have such severe wrist injuries? Well, I’ll just come out and say it — it’s because she knows how to jerk rod like a pro, that’s right. With some women, you can just TELL they give outstanding hand shandies — it’s like they exude this confidence, knowing that they could make any dude in the world cream their Calvin Kleins just by gripping their ding dongs and shaking ‘em like a rock tumbler. Needless to say, “Leah” just EXUDES said hand-job confidence, and I’m going to simply guess that here contemporary wrist pains probably have something to do with her particularly intense, thorough and crowd-pleasing handiwork, if you catch my drift. And in a world that values blow jobs uber alles, I think we could all benefit as a society if we once again started celebrating women who excel at jackin’ fella’s off — indeed, ladies, if you want to land a man for the long haul, I guarantee you giving him a good HJ will win you over more than if you give him a good BJ, which is clearly a more prole art form, anyway.

If this isn't the last thing I see before I die, my whole life has been squandered.

Of course, there’s a real-life woman behind Leah, and about two and a half minutes of IMDB sleuthing revealed she’s an actress by the name of Bekka Prewitt, who — and allow me to be unironic and sincere for a change — really is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life. Aye, feel free to stan her Instagram account, because there is PLENTY to ogle here; she’s even inspired her own fan page on the ‘gram, which I swear, I didn’t start. Promise.

As far as her acting resume goes, she’s been in quite a few commercials for brands like IKEA, but most of her thespian work seems centered on no-name indie pictures, mocap performances for Gears of War and the occasional bit part playing a psycho bitch on TV shows you’ve never heard of before, like Threads. She also seems to be one of those religious actors, but the kind that ain’t opposed to playing evil seductresses that smoke cigarettes and wear way too much lip gloss and use curse words, which, really, is the absolute hottest kind of religious actress imaginable. Tis a pity Hollywood is so damned ageist, because in a just world, she’d landed a role playing an obscure ginger villainess like Giganta or Queen Atomia on some DC TV show a long-time ago.

Still, at least we’ve got those Enbrel commercials to remind us what a true woman ought to resemble and act like — here’s to you, Mrs. Prewitt, for giving this wayward nation of ours at least ONE positive thing to look forward to on the nightly news.And before you contact your lawyers, I was just joshing you about having E.T. jerking off fingers and small breasts — although if you ever decided to turn to amateur videos as a supplemental revenue stream, I assure you, there is a BIG market for such product. Just a suggestion.