Jimbo’s Quarterly Rasslin’ Round-Up (Q4 2019 Edition!)

Are you ready for a whirlwind recap of the best, the worst and the most random pro wrestling matches of the last three months? Hold on to your Hulkamania t-shirts, folks — it's time to rumble

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@Jimbo_American

It's truly another golden age for the pro rasslin,' and with so many promotions out there puttin' on so many matches on a nigh daily basis, it can get a little confusing differentiating the cream from the crap. Thus, we here at The Internet Is In America has decided to help many a brother out by publishing our own quarterly, DVDVR-inspired rundown of random matches from across the full spectrum of professional wrestling, be it the bigs like the WWE and New Japan or the indies established and developing in the U.S., Japan and Mexico.

Throughout the year we're going to review eight matches in-depth from every month across four quarterly installments. As far as the match selections are concerned, we'll be taking a good, long gander at all sorts of bouts, including the critically praised, snowflake showered New Japan super main events, the best the WWE has to offer, CMLL and AAA's marquee offerings, whatever the fuck All Japan, NOAH and the rest of the Nippon B-leaguers are up to and the most noteworthy (and bizarre) indie outings from the U.S., Japan, Mexico, Canada and wherever they hell else the masses have a penchant for men in their underwear pretending to kill one another for five dollars a ticket.

(Oh, and a reminder — unlike that weeb jabroni Dave Meltzer, we here at The Internet Is In America actually has a scientific rubric to explain our star ratings, which you can evaluate anytime you want right here.)

But enough jibber-jabber ... let's head down to the ring and get this shit started proper, why don't we?

If you don't love everything about this, you are scientifically, objectively a piece of shit.

OCTOBER 2019 MATCHES

>>>October 02, 2019<<<

Kenny Omega, Nick Jackson and Matt Jackson vs. Chris Jericho, Santana and Ortiz (AEW Dynamite on TNT)

So this what AEW choose to highlight their first big show in front of a live, national TV audience. No pressure, naturally. I know I've said this before, but Jericho's fedora-Roadwarrior-Juggalo-depressed teen-fat dude gimmick just ain't working. Looks like it's going to be Omega and Jericho to begin. Also, good luck being able to tell the guys in LAX apart. On commentary is Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone, plus some incel in a luchador mask. Who EVER thought they'd be seeing this shit on TNT in the year 2019? So Santana (I think) ges tagged in and Omega hits a low dropkick and a leapfrog Kitaro Crusher, which is really great for crushing Kitaroes. Now Jericho is back in, and he goes for the Liontamer on an ill-advised hurrincanrana. Of course, the Young Bucks superkick Jericho, then Matt (I think) does a flying closeted-homosexual splash to the outside. Now it's time for Omega to do the Terminator dive. Oh, never mind, here's John Moxley out of the crowd to beat the shit out of him. Now they're brawling throughout the arena, complete with Omega tossing a plastic garbage bin at the former Dean Ambrose. Meanwhile, it's a three-on-two situation back in the ring, as the heels gang up on the Bucks. In the back, Omega conks Moxley over the back with a mop and Jim Ross wonders why the security personnel ain't doing their job. Which, yeah, is actually a really good question, when you think about it. Then Moxley fucking brain busters Omega through a glass table, and yep, that's our cue for a commercial break. Back in the ring, Matt his Ortiz with a spear and Santana hits a senton. Then there's a diving headbutt from Ortiz where he pretends to plank of Matt's carcass, and OK, that was kind of funny. Jericho's fat ass goes for a Lionsault and the ring almost collapses underneath the immense girth of Chris' jelly rolls. Ortiz gets the tag, then Matt hits a twisting stunner of sorts off the top rope. Santana is tagged in and Matt hits a bajillion northern lights suplexes, then Nick gets the hot tag. He kicks the shit out of the Mexicans and double stomps Ortiz on the floor like a goomba in Super Mario Bros. and we all chortle. Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Matt, and then Jericho hits him with his shitty Judas Effect spinning elbow finisher and yep, that gets us the three-count. In the post-fight, Cody Rhodes comes out to save the Bucks, only for Sammy Guevara to blindside him. Then Dustin Rhodes comes out and starts kicking everybody in the balls and then JACK SWAGGER comes out of the crowd and slams his ass while everybody in the audience tries to remember who he is. Jim Ross says "shit" on live TV and a whole bunch of sois in the audience look at the mayhem with absolute shock and disgust. I have no idea wha the fans are chanting, but it's probably something stupid. Also, Swagger is like half a foot taller than LAX, and that makes me laugh heartily. Swagger powerbombs Dustin through a table that don't want to break and Jericho gives Cody another Judas Effect to close out the program.

My Score: ** 1/2

The Verdict: Yeah, that was just a plain, old-fashioned trainwreck from start to finish. I get that there was only so much TV time to work with, and with this being the first episode of a LIVE national weekly, I kinda’ understand the need to cram as much shit in there as possible. Still, this thing just felt like an uneventful, inconsequential mad dash through the motions, with the sole intent of setting up more storyline. It might be good television drama, I suppose, but such a formula definitely DOESN’T lend itself to good ‘rasslin, by gahd.

>>>October 02, 2019<<<

Adam Cole vs. Matt Riddle (NXT ON USA)

This is the big counter-programming match to the debut episode of AEW on TNT. Not gonna' lie, Matt Riddle looks way too much like this one chick at the local Starbucks I'd like to fuck than I'd prefer. And Adam Cole, of course, is a 3/4-scale replica of Shawn Michaels, if not his legitimate lovechild. Are we sure the NXT Championship belt isn't just the old TNA X-Division belt, only churched up a bit. Riddle begins the match with several waistlock takedowns and he goes for the armbar right off the bat. Cole, of course, gets the ropes and starts stomping Matt in the corner. Riddle lands a series of floatover gutwrench suplexes and it's fuckin' awesome. Riddle punts Cole to the outside, and then Cole hits him with a jumping roundhouse kick.  An opportunistic Cole tosses Riddle headfirst into the steel steps, then slings his carcass back into the ring. Cole with a spinning back elbow and a neckbreaker. Just a two-count. Cole hits that one neckbreaker to the knee thingy, but it only gets a two-count, as well. Now Cole is working a sleeperhold, which he quickly converts into headscissors while Mauro makes references to pumpkin spice lattes, for some reason. Cole relinquishes the hold and hits a running bicycle kick on the challenger. Mauro says Cole has great conditioning because he's a scuba driver. Well, that's a new one. Riddle with a flying elbow into the corner, an exploder and a senton, but the combo only nets a two-count. Riddle hits a jumping knee and fisherman's buster after a series of counters and reversals, but it's only good enough for a two. The same can be said of the follow-up elevated German suplex. Cole counters a fireman's carry slam into a backcracker, and it's pretty boss. The fans chant "Mama Mia!" because apparently, they all like ABBA. The two trade blows in the center of the ring and Cole clips Riddle with a superkick, then Riddle hits him with a knee and then Cole hits another knee and then Riddle fucking German suplexes the SHIT out of Cole and then Cole hits another neckbreaker-to-the-knee and all of that shit is good for is a two-count. Riddle lands a head kick, then Cole kicks his foe off the apron. Cole goes for a flying splash to the outside and Riddle counters with a knee to the jaw. Back in the ring, Riddle goes for a 450 but Cole gets his knees up. And that's our cue for a jumping Panama Sunrise off the top rope, which Riddle KICKS OUT OF. Mauro makes a reference to a rapper I've never heard of before and Cole waits to deliver the Last Shot. Then he goes for another Panama Sunrise and Riddle hits the Bro 2 Sleep, a sitout powerbomb and a 450 splash, but Cole kicks out, because of course he would. Riddle climbs the top rope again, and this time Cole crotches him. The two exchange elbow shots up top and Riddle falls Cole with a chop. Then Cole hits Riddle with several super kicks and he sticks another Panama Sunrise, but he whiffs on the Last Shot. Time for the BROMISSION. Cole counters his way out, only for Riddle to lock in a reverse Fujiwara armbar. Cole goes for a crucifix pin, and Riddle applies the submission from the left arm. Cole conks Riddle with an arm cast while the ref ain't looking and yep, there's the Last Shot for the finish. In the post-match tomfoolery, FINN BALOR comes out and says he's coming back to NXT (I think) and he probably wants to challenge Cole for the title at some point. Also, holy shit, is everybody in this promotion skinny as fuck. NXT? More like NX-eat a fuckin' sandwich, you anorexics.

My Score: ****

The Verdict: Well, the ending was a little bit of a letdown, but it's hard to deny the fun, fast and frenetic pace of this one. The styles clash between Riddle and Cole actually gave the bout a bit more of an idiosyncratic feel than most NXT title matches, which let’s face it, have a really unfortunate tendency to meld together into one indistinguishable blob of superkicks and Canadian Destroyers. I mean, to be fair, this one did, too, but at least you got some decent pseudo-Battlarts bullshit in there to make it taste a little different, I suppose.

>>>October 06, 2019<<<

Seth Rollins vs. "The Fiend" Bray Wyatt (WWE Hell in a Cell 2019)

For some reason, they're living the red flood lights on for the whole fuckin' match. So, uh, I take it "The Fiend" is supposed to be one part Psycho Clown and one part Bane from "The Dark Knight Rises?" We've got Jerry the King Lawler on commentary as an added bonus. After some early tussling Rollins grabs a kendo stick and starts thwacking the Fiend with it, who no sells it. The Fiend hits a huge chokeslam and starts shaking the ropes like a retard. Oh no, he's possessed by the spirit of the Ultimate Warrior! Somebody hurry up and mute the audio before he says something insensitive about homosexuals! The Fiend keeps launching Rollins into the Cell walls over and over again, and splashes him against the mesh for good measure. The Fiend sends Rollins noggin first into the metal steps multiple times, then Rollins grabs them and starts clobbering the Fiend with them. Now Rollins has a table. He lands a plancha to the outside and then another one before launching the Fiend into the steps again. Seth goes for a plancha again, only this time the Fiend grabs him and Sister Abigails him against the cage mesh. Rollins superkicks the Fiend onto the table and Rollins crashes through his foe and the furniture with a frog splash. Rollins with another superkick and a curb stomp, but the Fiend no sells it. The Fiend hits a Sister Abigail, but Rollins kicks out at two. The Fiend gives Rollins a nasty neck crank and Seth just lays there, all splayed out on the canvas like a Michael Myers victim. The Fiend tosses Rollins to the outside and then the Fiend retrieves a giant ass cartoon mallet. He smashes Rollins in the abdomen with it and Seth responds with back to back super kicks and another curb stomp ON the mallet. Rollins hits several springboard jumping knees, two more superkicks and another series of curb stomps. Then he hits the Fiend with a pedigree and ANOTHER curb stomp and the Fiend kicks out at one. Rollins with more desperation curb stomps, but the Fiend REFUSES to die. Man, this stuff is fantastic. Rollins grabs a metal chair and the announcers keep talking about Rollins having to go to a "dark place he never knew existed" to win this match, which may or may not mean Africa. The Fiend gets waffled by a horizontal chair shot, but the Fiend kicks out at one. Seth gets a ladder and slams it ATOP the chair ON TOP of The Fiend's face. Yep, that's just a two-count. The King makes a great remark about thinking Bray once needed a psychologist, but now he needs an exorcist. Seth rolls under the ring and pulls out a toolbox of who knows what. He puts the chair inside the ladder and starts conking the Fiends skull with a metal tool box. Now there are screwdrivers and saws and shit all over the ring. Seth rolls to the outside and throws a chair against the cage for no reason, then he pulls out a sledgehammer. The referee tells him not to use it, but he conks the Fiend's gourd with it anyway and the ref signals for a DQ. Yep, a DQ, in a Hell in a Cell match, where the entire SHTICK is that there aren't supposed to be any DQs. The fans immediately start chanting "bullshit" while fake paramedics tend to the Fiend, and the commentators start asking really deep, existential questions about whether or not the outcome of this match cost Rollins his humanity. Then the fans start chanting "AEW" and that's Wyatt's cue to apply the Mandible Claw on Rollins and Sister Abigail his ass on the (padded) arena floor. Then he hits another one on the exposed concrete to end show, amidst a cacophony of chants of "refund back," because there is NOTHING less pathetic than complaining about a scripted performance not giving you exactly what you wanted as if the product is entitled to do precisely that. I mean, shit, fuck-ups like that is how we ended up with Kofi Kingston for most of the calendar year, ain't it?

My Score: ****

The Verdict: This has to be the biggest gulf between the IWC hivemind and my own opinion in quite some time. A lot of smarks on the Internet are labeling this as the worst match of 2019, with Dave Meltzer giving the whole shindig minus two stars, mostly because it didn't feature Kenny Omega or any Japanese people in it. While I do agree that the ending was total bullshit, I ain't gonna' lie to you people, I thought the whole thing was entertaining as fuck and, had a few tweaks been made here and there, actually COULD have been a legit MOTY contender. And no, I'm not joking, and no, I'm not high on opioids, either.

>>>October 14, 2019<<<

Kota Ibushi vs. EVIL (NJPW King of Pro Wrestling 2019)

Of course, the IWGP title shot is on the line, with whoever wins this one challenging for the big boy belt come Jan. 4. So, yeah, as I've said many, many times before, EVIL is basically what would happen if the Undertaker fucked Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy was the midwife. And, uh, they were all Japanese ... figured I needed to throw that out front as a qualifier. Alright, so EVIL begins with a headlock. Yeah, that'll show Kota, miss that hairdo of his up REAL bad. Kota starts fighting back with elbow shots, then EVIL slips through and headlocks that motherfucker again. Kota connects on a dropkick off the ropes and the fans start chanting his last name. So, uh, do you describe that haircut as a bowl cut, technically? Now Kota is kicking EVIL in the sternum, like, hard. EVIL grabs his leg and clotheslines him over the top rope. Kota gets launched back-first into the ringside barricade a couple of times and then EVIL slings his carcass back in the ring. Say, why DO they call Kota the Golden Star, anyway? To me, that makes it sounds like he's a C-tier buffet restaurant or something. Now EVIL is working a double wing torque, and boy, is it quite homoerotic-looking. EVIL whiffs on a senton and Kota collects on a dropkick to the tummy. Kota with the Kota Kombo, a powerslam and a HUGE moonsault press, but EVIL kicks out at two. Ibushi goes for a double stomp, but has to leap away at the last second. Then EVIL seizes the opportunity and single leg stomps Kota in the opposite turnbuckle. EVIL goes for the Bronco Buster, but Kota rolls out of the way and EVIL pretty much turns his testicles into tapioca on the collision. Now Kota is threatening a deadlift German off the ropes, but EVIL stops all that shit with a top-rope-assisted "Desperation Cutter." EVIL pulls a couple of chairs out from underneath the ring and clobbers Kota with one of the chairs while he already has one chair wrapped around his neck like a necklace. OK, now that was pretty funny. EVIL hits a crushing clothesline in the corner and now he's going for a superplex. Yep, he sticks it. Ibushi recovers from the move first, for some reason, and after a billion counters and feints he FINALLY lands a Frankensteiner on his foe. Now Kota is setting EVIL up on the top rope. He literally punches the slobber out of his mouth, but then EVIL slugs Ibushi off the top rope with one punch, but then Kota rebounds and hits a sweet springboard super Frankensteiner out of nowhere for a two-count. Ibushi is looking for KAMIGOYE or however you spell it. EVIL counters it, goes for a German, but Ibushi lands on his feet. Then EVIL drops Ibushi with a short-arm clothesline (just like Verne Troyer would've) and now, both men are splayed out on the canvas. EVIL gets to his feet first. He lands Darkness Falls, but Kota kicks out at two. Kota with a wheelbarrow pin, followed up by a package piledriver. But he's too winded to go for the pin. Kota lands a sick sitout powerbomb, but EVIL kicks out of that, as well. Kota goes for a running knee, but EVIL turns him outside out with a defensive lariat. EVIL hits another clothesline, but Kota kicks out at 2.99999. EVIL goes for his STO finisher (the one with the stupid-ass name I refuse to identify) and Kota counters with a bridging German. Then EVIL lands back to back Germans of his own. EVIL takes his elbow pad off and goes for a clothesline, only for Kota to catch him with a lariat of his own first. Ibushi goes for the KAMIGOYE, but EVIL counters with an, uh, headbutt? Ibushi with a jumping knee and he finally hits the KAMIGOYE, only for EVIL to kick out at two. But Ibushi hits one more, and yep, that's what ends the match.

My Score: ****

The Verdict: Well, this one took a while to get going, but once it got good, it was downright excellent. EVIL is just bulky enough to force Kota to switch up his offensive standards a bit, and it was nice to see Ibushi have to rely on a ground-based strategy for a change instead of his usual shtick of doing 650 degree moonsaults and landing on his neck on purpose for the LULZ. You can criticize the finale for being fairly predictable, but come on — by now, you pretty much HAVE to expect the old counter-counter-reversal-reversal tomfoolery as an unsigned promotion/consumer pact in New Japan, don’t ya?

>>>October 14, 2019<<<

Kazuchika Okada vs. SANADA (NJPW King of Pro Wrestling 2019)

I really dig how they show photos of all of the previous IWGP champions before the title bout itself. And although I don't understand Japanese, I'm pretty sure that pre-match vignette recapping the Okada/SANADA rivalry — which favors Okada 6-1 at this point — is really fuckin' rad. Okada is rocking a silver dye job now and SANADA still looks fucking goofy with that brillo pad bush of a haircut and scraggly ass beard. Okada comes out ROLLING with a dropkick, but he keeps whiffing on it. SANADA goes for a moonsault early and there is this GREAT counter-reversal-spot featuring feigned finishers that concludes with a double dropkick standstill. The fans are clearly geeked for this one. LOL at this one, like, 35-year-old woman in the audience cradling a teddy bear. I mean, shit, that's sad, and you totally wouldn't fuck her, unless you're really, really desperate, which yeah, you probably are. No it's time for some mat 'rassslin, with Okada locking in a waistlock and Okada looking for an arm-wrench counter. SANADA, of course, counters the hold, only for Okada to put his thing down, flip it and reverse it. Eventually, SANADA gets pressed into the ropes and Okada affords him a clean break. Okada with elbows galore, followed by a neckbreaker. Just a two-count. Okada starts working a facelock. Like, really hard and stuff. Then Okada wheel kicks SANADA right in the fucking face, then he starts European uppercutting him like a motherfucker on the arena floor. Time to get punted over the guardrail, motherfucker. Then SANADA counters a draping DDT off the guardrail into a Magic Killer off the guardrail, and I'm not sure why it's called a Magic Killer, or why anybody would want to kill Magic in the first place. SANADA drops Okada sternum first on the barrier and rolls back into the ring awaiting the countout. Okada gets back in at 17. SANADA hits a snap suplex, but it's only good for a two-count. SANADA applies a chinlock of his own, but Okada fights his way out of it. Okada with a big boot to the face, then SANADA eats shit on a standing moonsault. Okada follows suit with a running European uppercut, but he's too winded to go for a pin attempt. Okada hits another running back elbow and a butt bomp in the corner. He follows that up with a DDT, but SANADA kicks out at two. Okada hits a springboard dropkick and SANADA rolls to the outside. SANDA gets dumped over the guardrail and OKADA hits a flying crossbody that drives SANADA into an empty row of chairs. Isn't it weird how nobody ever sits there at these kinds of matches? It's almost like it's designed that way, for some bizarre reason. SANADA takes a real long time to get back into the ring and when he does Okada drops him real quick with a hard slug. Okada with a scoop slam, then he goes up top, only for SANADA to get back up and hit a MEAN plancha to the outside after a dead-on dropkick. Back in the ring, SANADA puts Okada in the Paradise Lock (which is easily the worst move in the history of pro wrestling and it's not even close) and yep, there's the requisite shotgun dropkick to the asshole. Okada kicks out at two. The champ shotgun dropkicks SANADA into the corner, then he hits him with an even doper missile dropkick off the top rope. Okada goes up top again and this time he connects on the diving elbow drop. Still doesn't go for the pin, though, cause it's time for the SUPER DRAMATIC RAINMAKUH POSE PANOUT TIME~ Of course, Okada doesn't hit the first clothesline and there's literally a million billion counters with SANADA finally locking Okada into a dragon sleeper, only for Okada to convert it into a Tombstone, only for SANADA to counter it into a Tombstone of his own. SANADA hits an old Marc Mero TKO variation, but Okada kicks out at two. SANADA locks in the Skull End and he has a grapevine. Okada tries to escape, but SANADA keeps pulling him back in. Now the ref is doing the old "OK, I'm going to raise and drop your arm three times in a row" shtick, which leads to Okada going for a quick pin attempt. Okada manages to get back to his feet and he turns SANADA inside out with a Rainmaker. Of course, SANADA kicks out. Now they're taking turns socking each other in the face with elbow shots. Both men are back to their feet, and now it's time for a good, old-fashioned European Uppercut-off. Wow, this shit is going on forever. Anyway, SANADA finally drops Okada, then he goes for another Skull End, and Okada counters that with a dragon sleeper of his own and then he drops SANADA again with a dropkick. SANADA goes for a Sliced Bread No. 2 and transitions it into another dragon sleeper on the landing. He swings Okada around some more before locking in another Skull End. SANADA hits a moonsault, but goes to the well once too often as Okada gets his knees up on the second 'sault. There's a million billion reversals and Okada finally lands a Tombstone. He goes for a Rainmaker but SANADA boots him right in the face. SANADA with a bridging pin, but Okada kicks out at 2.9999. SANADA with another swinging dragon sleeper, and Okada escapes and lands a drop kick. The two feign hitting each other with Rainmakers and SANADA clubs Okada with a spinning punch. Time for more feigned finisher reversals, with Okada finally hitting an avalanche brainbuster and the Rainmaker for the three count.

My Score: *** 3/4

The Verdict: Yeah, that was a really, really good match, but unfortunately, it also felt VERY formulaic. Here’s an example of the “New Japan Finish” detracting from the excitement of a match instead of enhancing it. I mean, at this point, NOBODY expects anyone in NJPW to be put away by just finisher, and if this match is any indication, by 2022 Okada won’t be able to win any matches without hitting at least 22 Rainmakers in succession. Yes, Gedo — there can be too much of a good thing, and there can certainly be too much of a thing that’s just kinda’ alright but not that good to begin with.

>>>October 31, 2019<<<

Brock Lesnar vs. Cain Velasquez (WWE Crown Jewel 2019)

Michael Cole calling Brock Lesnar's UFC loss to Cain back in 2010 the worst loss of his career is rather debatable. I mean, IMHO, Overeem made him look like a way bigger bitch at UFC 141, but that's just from my perspective. So Cain is accompanied to the ring by Rey Mysterio, and he looks WAY too much like Junior Dos Santos these days for it to be merely a coincidence. Also, let's totally ignore Cain's "Brown Pride" tattoo, announce team. Let's totally ignore it. LOL at comparing Lesnar ending the Undertaker's WM streak as an actual athletic accomplishment on par with winning UFC and NCAA championships. Surprisingly, the Arab fans cheer Paul Heyman, even though he's, you know ... Jewish. There's this one guy in the crowd holding up a sign that says "Saudimania," and that reminds me of the word "sodomy" and thus many giggles are had. So there's some pseudo-MMA circling to begin, with both men throwing loopy punches and kicks. Cain shoots for a single leg and bullies Cain into the corner. Now he's throwing some knees to his midsection. Holy fuck, this feels so much like Pride FC that I'm actually getting goosebumps. Cain with more high kicks and now Cain is trying to bully Brock into the corner. Lesnar times him up and Cain starts lobbing some patella shots. Cain lands a huge knee to the sternum and DROPS Brock with a head kick. Lesnar falls on his ass and Cain pounces, but during the ground and pound Brock secures a kimura and Cain TAPS! Post-match, Brock refuses to relinquish the hold and Rey Rey comes in and cracks a chair over Brock's back, but Lesnar no sells it and body slams his ass out of the ring. Then Brock grabs the chair and starts beating the shit out of Velasquez wih it and then he F-5s that motherfucker on the chair. Rey re-enters the fray with another chair and he is going BUCK WILD flinging the furniture and Brock finally bails to the outside, where Heyman tells him to go to the back, muttering "not a chance, not a chance" over and over again.

My Score: ****

The Verdict: That was absolutely fantastic stuff that did exactly what it needed to do — get everybody pumped for a FULL Lesnar vs. Velasquez 'rasslin match on a real PPV spectacular. I know a lot of you Soylent-sipping half-homosexuals out there don’t like the “Inokiism” going on here, but personally, I can’t get enough of the fixed martial arts approach. Pound-for-pound, this might just be the REALEST looking match in WWE history, and if you don’t want to see these two go Americanized FUTEN on each other for half an hour, you can go back to eating kale and pegging your own butthole, you tasteless, tasteless degenerate.

>>>October 31, 2019<<<

Tyson Fury vs. Braun Strowman

Shit, Fury looks a lot skinnier than I thought he would. I mean, he's still like 280-something pounds, but standing next to a mass accumulation of adipose tissue like Strowman, he looks downright svelte. Yep, Michael Cole just compared this bout to the Rumble in the Jungle. He sure did. A collar and elbow tie-up to begin, with Braun shoving Fury into the corner. Cole said Tyson is named after Mike Tyson, because they must really think everybody watching this is retarded. Braun works and armdrag and Tyson flips and KIPS out of it, only for Braun to drop him with a thunderous big boot. Braun lands a clubbing blow to the chest and stomps him real quick on the walkaway. Braun with a ton of headbutts in the corner, then he starts ramming his skull into his sternum. Then Braun Sting-At-Great-American-Bash-92's himself on the ringpost and he rolls to the outside to recover. Tyson bails to the outside and Braun shoves Fury into the edge of the ring and slugs him real good. Braun runs all around the ring and Tyson hits him with a swinging kick of his own on the rebound. Back in the ring, Braun goes for a powerslam, but Tyson drops him with a leg trip and goes for a quick pin attempt. Man, Tyson Fury is a fucking natural at pro 'rasslin. Braun bullrushes Tyson into the corner and drops Fury with a clubbing blow to the sternum, and he does the Undertaker sit-up spot that gets no reaction at all from the crowd, weirdly enough. Fury goes for a crossbody and Strowman catches him and crushes his ass with a fallaway slam. Braun tackles Tyson on the arena floor, only for Fury to fuckin' ROCK Braun with a right cross on the ropes. Braun goes sailing off the apron and he sells it like a motherfucker. The ref starts administering the countout and at nine, Braun takes a tumble, meaning Tyson is our victor by an entirely DIFFERENT kind of 10-count. Post-match, Braun Pearl Harbors Tyson and powerslams him, which Fury refuses to sell and the announcers have to make an on-the-fly excuse for why he didn't (which, to their credit, wasn't really that bad of an explanation — something about his boxer mentality and adrenaline levels making him too retarded to feel pain, or something like that.)

My Score: *** 1/2

The Verdict: Yes, it is brass-balled Inokiism writ large, but you won't see me complaining one iota here. The Meltzer-ites out there may have hated it, but I fuckin’ LOVED the slower, more methodical pace of the bout and I’ll be goddamned if that wasn’t a BRILLIANT finish — or, at the least, about as brilliant as one could feasibly book a countout finish, I suppose. No matter how you look at it, though, Fury is a natural for this shit — if he ever gets tired of getting his shit pushed in by Deontay Wilder, this guy always has a home waiting for him underneath the spotlights of the squared circle.

>>>October 31, 2019<<<

Seth Rollins vs. "The Fiend" Bray Wyatt (WWE Crown Jewel 2019)

You know, the 'E is pretty ballsy putting "The Fiend" in the main event in Saudi Arabia, where there's a good chance the fans may LITERALLY attempt to lynch him for being a real demon. Just so you know, this match cannot be stopped for ANY reason, which I guess means these two are destined to fight it out until the cosmic death of the universe. Yep, the red lights are in full effect again. The Fiend head butts Seth Rollins in the corner and the fans are chanting "Yowie Wowie" because apparently, the Middle East has incels, too. Rollins hits a sling blade, but The Fiend no sells it. Rollins connects on a blockbuster and a huge springboard knee, but Wyatt ain't selling shit. The Fiend lands a twisting cross body and now it's time for some brawling outside the ring. Holy shit, the guys in the traditional Arab dress are LITERALLY scared shitless and this is priceless. Rollins conks The Fiend's noggin on an LED screen and the scuffle back over the ringside barricade. Rollins whiffs on a curb stomp but he connects on the follow-up superkick. Rollins lands the first of what will surely be MANY curb stomps in this match, but Wyatt no-sells it and Rock Bottoms Rollins' on the edge of the apon. The Fiend tries to gore Rollins, but Seth rolls out of the way at the last second and The Fiend flies through the barricade and you can hear this little Arab girl scream like a maniac and we all chortle. Now Rollins has a table. He hits back-to-back suicide dives to the outside, then he starts ripping apart the announce table. He starts smacking The Fiend with the facade, then he goes and grabs another table. Yep, he's making a double decker. Rollins grabs a chair, and now it's time for the Fiend to eat metal furniture like a motherfucker. Now he has the sledgehammer. He tries to Super Smash Bros. The Fiend with it, only, for Wyatt to surprise him with a Mandible Claw. Rollins fights his way out of the hold and Seth gets launched over the al-Jazeera announce desk or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be. The Fiend LITERALLY tries to twist Seth's head off like a Coca-Cola bottle lid and the Arab fans cheer his lack of mercy. The Fiend goes for a big, fat senton, but Rollins rolls off the table and The Fiend EXPLODES through the announce table. Yep, he kicks out at one. "This is awesome!" the fans chant, and for once, I actually AGREE with them. Rollins slings more chair shots at the Fiend and he goes up top. The Fiend rebounds off the announce desk and just flings Rollins through Chekov's double-decker table on the outside. The fans chant "Holy Shit," which I'm pretty sure is a form of blasphemy. Oh my god, the infidels truly have won. The Fiend stomps the shit out of Rollins some more and then he starts yanking the foam padding off the concrete arena floor. This is absolutely perfect for Halloween right here. The Fiend calls for Sister Abigail, but Rollins lands a springboard enzuigiri off the edge of the ring. Rollins grabs the metal steps and starts doing some elective bridgework and Seth lands a curb stomp on the unprotected arena floor. And the Fiend kicks out at two. Seth clobbers the Fiend with a chair shot to the face, then he conks him right on the noggin with it on a flying leap off the barricade. Rollins goes for another Curb Stomp, only for the Fiend to hit Sister Abigail on the ringside, uh, platform of some kind. Rollins kicks out at two, so the Fiend dumps Seth back over the guardrail. They're brawling up the rampway now. Bray Wyatt is so much better at being Kane than Kane ever was. Now Seth is teetering on the edge of the stage. Rollins kicks the Fiend in the balls and hits a curb stomp, but the Fiend no sells it and everybody cheers. Seth lands a ton of super kicks and a bajillion curb stomps and now he's stomping the floor like he was Shawn Michaels are something. We're up to eight curb stomps now, by the way. Rollins with another burst of superkicks and the Fiend finally flies off into a cargo container of electrical equipment, which explodes on impact. Hooray for the pyrotechnics! Fireworks are still going off while Seth is trying to pull the Fiend's carcass out the wreckage. Then, just like Michael Myers, The Fiend emerges from the pile, hits Seth with a mandible claw, converts it into a Sister Abigail on the concrete floor and GETS THE PIN TO WIN THE UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP!

My Score: **** 1/2

The Verdict: I FUCKING LOVED THIS MATCH. I mean, if you're going to do sports-entertainment, you might as well go full retard, and this bout MORE than delivered the goods. Not that it’s a surprise, but Dave Meltzer (the same guy who gave the AWESOME Fury/Strowman and Lesnar/Velsaquez matches from the same show dismal ratings of DUD and negative one stars, respectively) only gave this fuckin’ spectacular affair a paltry two stars, apparently under the assumption that watching confirmed twinks The Young Bucks do the same old spotfest shit is way more entertaining than watching Solid Snake get chased around by Michael Myers in real-life. Don’t let the hivemind get to you — I assure you, this is EASILY one of the top ten WWE matches of the whole damn year, maybe even a top-fiver depending on how good your local cannabinoid oil supply is. 

Technical wrestling at its absolute finest.

NOVEMBER 2019 MATCHES

>>>Nov. 01, 2019<<<

Daniel Bryan vs. Adam Cole (WWE Friday Night Smackdown)

Now here's an interesting little match-up. Indeed, the only reason it was booked was because half of the roster was still stuck in Saudi Arabia after the Crown Jewel show, so on the fly, Vince and pals said "Fuck, just bring in all of the NXT scrubs and do a lite-invasion angle." So this one is for the NXT title, in case you were wondering. Triple H is at ringside, watching Cole lock in a whole buncha' headlocks over and over again. Daniel works a wrist lock and Cole reverses it. Then Bryan smacks Cole's titties in the corner, then he drops him with a HARD spinning back elbow and a punt to the sternum. They trade chops and jabs in the corner and Cole locks in another headlock. Oh fuck, there's this one guy in the audience who's dressed like Paul Bearer and it's actually kinda' creepy. But yeah, mostly sad. So Bryan drops Cole again with a hard kick off the ropes, and now he's locking in a surfboard. Daniel converts it into a reverse guillotine, but he lets it go to stomp Cole some more. Shawn Michaels is ringside as well, an he looks — well, not quite like a sexy boy at his age. Bryan suplexes Cole out of the ring, and that's our cue for a commercial break. We're back and we find Bryan trying to backslide Cole and shit. Cole is working a ton of elbow and knee drops now. Cole is working a figure four headlock. Triple H is still looking all gruff and stuff on the outside and it's ... well, not that intimidating, really. Cole with kicks in the corner and he slugs Daniel with a hard elbow. Bryan, naturally, responds with a NASTY European uppercut. Bryan with a top rope backflip for no reason whatsoever, followed by a brutal running single leg dropkick. Cole punts Daniel in the shoulder and Adam gets flipped over the rope. Daniel hits a flying knee to the outside, then he climbs the top rope for a missile dropkick. Bryan lands another dropkick in the corner, then he goes for a super Frankensteiner, which Cole reverses in middle air. Cole hits a defensive superkick out of nowhere, but Bryan kicks out at two. Cole gets dumped to to the outside again, and Daniel hits a plancha to the outside. He goes to the plancha well again and gets kicked in the noggin for his repetitiveness. Commercial break time. We return from the advertisements and Bryan gets crotched on the top rope. Then Bryan crotches Cole on the top rope and lands a fucking SATANIC looking release German suplex off the tope rope, with Cole landing right on his neck. That was NJPW-esque right there. Daniel whiffs on the flying headbutt and Cole goes for that neckbreaker-on-the-knee thing for a two-count. Cole pulls down his knee pad, only for Daniel to trip him up and apply a single leg crab. He converts that into a Figure Two Leglock, essentially, but Cole gets to the ropes. Daniel keeps kicking the shit out of Cole's legs and chopping him like a sonofabitch. Cole hits a weird-looking lungblower counter, but Daniel counters THAT with the LeBell Lock. Cole rolls out, and Daniel starts stomping the SHIT out of Cole's face. He goes back to the LeBell Lock and he twists Cole's arm back so he can't grab the rope. Of course, he grabs the rope anyway. Bryan punts Cole in the chest a couple of times, but  Cole counters with a roll-up, then Daniel counters THAT into a roll-up of his own, then he kicks Cole in the skull, like, hard. Daniel charges at Cole and Adam hits a superkick. He lands the Panama Sunrise off the top rope, follows suit with the Last Shot and yep, that's what gets him the W. In the post-match tomfoolery, all of the NXT roster comes out to celebrate and then Triple H says something about building an army for Survivor Series. But yeah, honestly, I'm seeing a bunch of short and fat people, to be honest with you fam.

My Score: *** 3/4

The Verdict: A solid TV main event, marred significantly by the obviously rushed ending. From a technical standpoint, it’s pretty hard to find anything severely faulty with the product, but at the end of the day, it still felt, well, kinda familiar. Predictability aside, though, you really can’t say anything bad about the performance from either man in this outing — even if the sum of the parts isn’t exactly as impressive as the parts of the sum in said equation.

>>>Nov. 02, 2019<<<

Jacob Fatu vs. LA Park (MLW Saturday Night SuperFight)

Park comes out with a bunch of skanks holding candles for him. Of course, he has the metal chair en tow, while Selina De La Renta is literally dressed like a vampire hooker, which means there's a 50 percent chance I end up fapping during this match at some point. Meanwhile, Fatu comes out while a video showing shoguns and South American coups plays in the background. Yeah, there's no reason to attempt to make sense out of any of this. Park grabs the mic and cuts a promo in Spanglish. I'm no sure what he's trying to say, bu I think he called Fatu a fat Somoan piece of shit and he likes to fuck his mother in Mexico or something. For some reason, the fans have drums and shit in the audience. Well, that's a new one. There's a shoving match to begin, which quickly turns into slap city. Fatu with a fat suplex early, the Park hits Fatu with an even fatter suplex. Then Park throws the ref into Fatu and hits him with the fattest Shining Wizard of all time. Now it's time for the flubber to LITERALLY fly as LA Park hits his first plancha of the contest. Fatu's manager hits Park and Jacob rolls his foe back into the ring. Fatu with headbutts and a big right hand. Fatu slaps the shit out of Park in the corner and continues his titty slap-oriented offense. Park eats a fat clothesline in the adjacent corner and Fatu starts ripping at his mask. Fatu's manager runs in the ring and pokes Park with a spike a couple of time and yep, that nigga' be juicing now. I'm pretty sure the guy underneath the skeleton mask is actually Tom Araya from Slayer. Fatu locks in a chokehold on the ropes and Park rolls to the outside. Park gets launched into the guardrail, and for once, I feel sorrier for the guardrail. Fatu with more headbutts galore and now Park is bleeding BIG TIME. Like, his hands are fucking deep red now, and it is gruesome with a capital G. Also, I want Salina to spit in my mouth so bad. Just wanted to get that out there. Alright, now Fatu and Parka are brawling through the crowd. Man, I hope Park doesn't have any infectious diseases, because he's contaminating the whole building with his plasma. We're back in the ring and Fatu continues to pummel Park mercilessly in the corner. Park finally gets a second wind and hits a clothesline in the corner. Fatu kicks him in the face a couple of times, then Park powerslams his large ass very well. Fatu with a Super (sized) kick, with a follow-up springboard moonsault for a two-count. Park gets perched on the top rope and Fatu keeps a clobbering. Park headbutts him off and lands the old school corkscrew twist senton, but Fatu kicks out at two. You know, for a guy who is almost 60 and weighs like 300 pounds, that was actually really impressive. Fatu gets dumped to the outside, then he conks Fatu over the head with the announcer's table. Now he's got the steel sitting aide. Fatu gets a metal chair to the spine, then he slams Fatu's face into the metal steps. Park grabs the timekeeper's bell and OBLITERATES it over Fatu's head. Now Fatu is juicing, probably hard way, at that. Park with more headbutts and Parka tries to camel clutch Fatu on the second rope. Park takes off his belt and starts slapping Fatu with it like an unruly child. See, that I was going to make a slavery joke, weren't you? Park headbutts the bloody gash on Fatu's noggin and Jacob responds with a twisting senton ass splash off the top rope. Fatu lands a HUGE flipping moonsault to the outside and, yeah, that was pretty awesome. Now Fatu has a table, while his manager keeps stompin' on Park. Back in the ring, and Fatu hits a swinging sidewalk slam. He goes up top and goes for a moonsault, but Park rolls out of the way. Park goes for a cover, but Fatu's manager breaks up the pin by LITERALLY setting the referee on fire. Then Park tries to gore Fatu's manager, but accidentally spears Salina through the furniture. LOLOOPS. Fatu hits a Samoan drop on a stunned Park, follows suit with a top rope moonsault, and yep, that's all she wrote, folks.

My Score: *** 1/2

The Verdict: A nice, violent bloodbath, but nothing truly spectacular — and certainly nothing that comes even remotely close to reaching the Hepatitis-enthused greatness of some of LA Park’s hemoglobin-strewn classics south of the border. Considering the combined ages and girth of both competitors, I suppose you couldn’t help but anticipate a much slower pace in this one than the norm; alas, things get a little bit too slow and sloppy towards the final five minutes or so, even if the visual of seeing Salina take a full-speed gore through the table HAS to be one of the greatest spots the wacky world of pro rasslin’ gave us all calendar-year long.

>>>Nov. 02, 2019<<<

The Great Muta vs. Naomichi Marufuji (NOAH The Best 2019)

Now here's a puro dream match I'm actually kinda' shocked hasn't happened by now. I mean, these two had to have crossed paths in at least a three-man tag at some point in their respective careers, right? For some reason, Marufuji comes out wearing a Goldust costume and lugging around a fire extinguisher. Muta, of course, comes out looking like a Transformer ninja Klan member, as we all had hoped. Marufuji takes his uniform off and he has this really bad-looking flame body art all of his chest. I ... just don't get it. Muta goes for a waistlock early, there's some rolling around on the canvas and then there's a stand still so Muta can spray some green mist for the crowd. Muta works another full nelson and takes Marufuji to the ground. Marufuji cartwheels his way out of the hold and lands a dropkick. Marufuji lands a hard chop in the corner and a back elbow smash. Muta bails to the outside and starts checking under the ring for plunder. He retrieves a chair and Marufuji quickly jacks it from him. Muta hits him with the RED MIST out of nowhere, then he fucking CLOBBERS Marufuji with the chair and it is excellent. Now Muta has what appears to be a monkey wrench. He conks Marufuji with it, then he steals some equipment from a cameraman and conks Marufuji over the head with the camcorder. Muta yakuza kicks the dog shit out of Marufuji and launches him into the guardrail. Then Muta throws one of the trainers in NOAH tee-shirts INTO Marufuji as a projectile, then he shows Marufuji's fuked up face to Kenta Kobashi who is all like "yeah, that's messed up, man." Back in the ring, Muta goes for an STF. Marufuji, of course, slowly crawls towards a rope break. Marufuji lands a real-life Mortal Kombat kicking combo for a two-count, then he signals for Sliced Bread No. 2. He lands it, but when he goes for the pin, Muta hits him with the MIST again. Now Muta has Chekov's fire extinguisher. He can't quite get it to work, allowing Marufuji enough time to sneak up on him. Muta counters with a dragon screw leg whip, then Marufuji hits Muta with the CARBON MONOXIDE FU. Marufuji lands four awesome-looking kicks in a row, only for Muta to kick out at two. Marufuji hits Sliced Bread No. 2 again, and Muta kicks out, uh, again. Marufuji signals for a Tiger Driver, and Muta blasts a fireball in Marufuji's face. This is more like Home Alone then All Japan, but that ain't exactly a bad thing. Muta then hits FOUR consecutive Shining Wizards and, yep, that'll get him the three-count.

My Score: ***

The Verdict: Well, that was a VERY weird match. It’s obvious that Muta is WAY past his expiration date here, but Marufuji did what he could to make the bout at least halfway respectable. And let’s give Muta some credit, ‘cause at certain points in this match he flatout brought it. Anybody expecting a legit “dream match” that actually delivered the goods is bound to be disappointed, but for a glorified, one-off novelty act, you know what? This really ain’t that bad, kids. 

>>>Nov. 02, 2019<<<

Takashi Sugiura vs. Michael Elgin (NOAH The Best 2019)

Alright, so this one is to determine who will be the first GHC National Champion. Which I guess is sort of like the Japanese Championship, which would make it really awkward of Elgin won it, wouldn't it? Collar and elbow tie-up to begin. Elgin almost looks like he's in shape for this one. He hits Takashi with a titty slap on the ropes and we have another tie-up. Takashi socks him with a cheap elbow shot while he has his foe on the ropes. Kenta Kobashi smiles as the two lock up for a test of strength. Takashi counters into a headlock, then they start running into each other like sumo wrestlers. Elgin hits a shoulder block and a big knife edge chop, only for Takashi to clip him with an old kitchen sink knee to the solar plexus. Then Takashi kicks Elgin in the head a couple of times, then Elgin drops Takashi with one jab and hits him with a Death Valley Driver on the edge of the apron. Ouchies. Seriously, why does Elgin remind me of a honky Ahmed Johnson in this match so much? Back in the ring and Elgin doles out some more shoulder tackles. He connects on a snap suplex for a two-count. Time for more hard titty chops, complete with a jumping back kick to the back of the noggin and a brutal looking northern lights suplex, kinda-sorta-but-not-really. Elgin slugs Takashi with a huge elbow shot, and then Takashi gores Elgin like a sonofabitch. Is that Hiroshi Hase at the timekeepers' table if so, holy shit, the Crypt Keeper just turned Japanese. The two exchange corner splashes and now it's time for an elbow smash-off. Elgin hits a power slam and Takashi rolls to the outside. Elgin hits a tope, then he hits a missile dropkick off the top rope. Elgin literally starts winding his arm like Donkey Kong in Super Smash Brothers and clobbers Takashi in the corner. He goes for a powerbomb, only for Takashi to escape and German him into the turnbuckle. Takashi lands a running knee in the corner and starts teeing off on Elgin with elbow shots galore. Elgin gets back to his feet, punches the SHIT out of Takashi and German suplexes him RETARD HARD into the turnbuckle post. OK, that was hilarious. Now Takashi is feeling ANGRY JAPANESE PERSON COMEBACK RAGE, only for Elgin to grab him and give him three consecutive rolling German suplexes. Takashi counters the lariat and drops Elgin with a German of his own. Elgin drops Takashi with a HUGE clothesline, but Takashi kicks out at two. Elgin powerbombs Takashi into the turnpost again, then goes for another one, only for Takashi to counter it into an ankle lock — which Elgin counters into a Crippler Crossface. Huh, this Elgin guy sure does seem to share a lot of Chris Benoit's moveset. If he has a wife and kid, I'd tell them to hurry up and install that panic room yesterday. Takashi counters back into the ankle lock and Elgin gets a rope break. You have to dig Takashi's Kawada-inspired tights, for sure. Takashi is looking for a superplex now. He gets it and follows suit with a running knee to the face that Elgin totally no sells. Elgin with an enzuigiri and a mule kick, and there's the lariat. Elgin hits Takashi with another running clothesline, powerbombs him into the corner again and hits a sitout bomb for a two-count. It looks like Kenta Kobashi is smuggling lemons under his eyelids. Hey, speaking of Kobashi, it looks like Elgin is going for a BURNING HAMMER. Except Takashi lands on his feet and converts it into a guillotine at the last second. Well, that was kinda' cool, I guess. Elgin escapes and lands a diving clothesline. Time for more elbow shots, ladies and gents. Elgin goes for the Burning Hammer again, only for Takashi to counter with THE OLYMPIC SLAM. Holy shit, Takashi has the same moveset as Kurt Angle — what is this, one of those THQ WCW games on the PlayStation? Yep, it's time for even more elbow strikes. Takashi hits a German for a one count, but the diving clothesline is only good for a two count. Takashi hits ANOTHER Olympic Slam and yep, that's what's gonna' get him the W.

My Score: ****

The Verdict: The elbow spammage at the tail end of the match was kinda' annoying, but beyond that, this was a very solid match. I’ve never really been a big fan of Elgin’s body of work (because he’s fat, you see), but he definitely stepped his game up here. At this point, there can’t be that many miles left on Takashi’s odometer, but bouts like this give me hope that, maybe, he might have two or three more all-timers left in him — although, obviously, those last hurrahs probably aren’t going to be with Elgin as the opponent.

>>>Nov. 02, 2019<<<

Kaito Kiyomiya vs. Kenoh (NOAH The Best 2019)

This one is for the GHC Heavyweight Championship, with the added bonus of KENTA FUCKING KOBASHI presenting the title to the victor. Anyhoo, both of these guys look like Dollar Tree versions of Kazuchika Okada, but Kenoh is the worst of the two offenders with that hilariously awful blonde dye job. Come to think of it, both of these guys kinda' look like cute lesbians. Here's hoping at some point in the match they put lipgloss on each other and start practicing making out. I mean, I'm not gay. That's what I meant to say. We get your standard collar-and-elbow tie-up to begin. Kenoh allows Kaito a clean break on the ropes, and then he starts massaging his neck and why do I have a boner right now? Anyway, Kaito doesn't take too kindly to all of that homosexuality business and drops Kenoh with a back elbow, only to whiff on the follow-up elbow drop. God, I want Kaito to do things with my butthole. I MEAN I AM STRAIGHT, THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT I AM, NOT GAY AT ALL FOR TWINK JAPANESE HEAVYWEIGHTS. So Kenoh goes back to working the arm, then Kaito reversifies it, then Kaito reversifies that. Kenoh with a big boot off the ropes, then Kaito hits him with a sunset flip and a scoop slam. This time he lands the senton and Kenoh rolls to the outside. Kaito goes for a tope but pulls it at the last second, allowing Kenoh to DDT him on the edge of the apron. My, how New Japan of you fuckers. Kenoh goes up top for a double stomp and he LITERALLY smashes Kaito's head like a goomba in Super Mario Bros. Yes sir, I enjoyed that sequence quite a bit. The ref starts administering the countout and the champ struggles to get to his feet. He re-enters the ring at 17 and Kenoh automatically goes for an opportunistic pin attempt. It's only good enough for a two, of course. Kenoh drops Kaito with a hard elbow shot and follows it up with a standing guillotine. He transitions to this weird full nelson variation applied from the front that I don't think I've ever seen before. Kaito, of course, makes it to the ropes to break up the submission attempt. Now it's time for some fisticuffin' on the outside. Kenoh bitch slaps Kaito and then he locks in  the old Pendulum of Pain and bonks Kaito's noggin into the guard rail while he's swinging him all homosexual-like and that's the most I've laughed at something in a LONG time. Back in the ring and Kenoh continues to kick the shit out of Kaito's back, then he locks in a front facelock. Yeah, take that Kaito's face. The champ, of course, makes it to the ropes to break the hold. Now Kenoh is talking some mad trash at Kaito, then he fucking kicks him right in the head and we all chortle. Yeah, so far, this has been about as one-sided as David Bixenspan's side of the see-saw (you see, it's because he's fat and stuff.) Now Kaito is landing some back elbow shots, including this fancy twisting one off the toe rope. Kaito goes up top again, only for Kenoh to yank him down. Kaito drops Kenoh face first on the turnbuckle pad and now Kenoh is the one reeling to the outside like a pretty little bitch I kinda' want to French kiss with for awhile. Then Kaito lands a rolling twisting Japanese person move to the outside and wipes out Kenoh like Fukushima wiped out ... uh, I guess I probably shouldn't finish that train of thought. Back in the ring and Kaito hits Kenoh with a weird-looking dropkick. It's only good for a two-count. Now Kaito has a waistlock applied and it kinda looks like he's trying to buttfuck Kenoh a little and that excites me for some reason. I MEAN, NO, EWW, THAT'S GROSS I DON'T LIKE SODOMY ESPECIALLY WHEN PRETTY JAPANESE DUDES ARE DOING IT TO EACH OTHER REAL SLOW AND SENSUALLY. So, uh, Kenoh starts doing the SKULL END on Kaito, but the champ gets a rope break all dramatic-like. Kenoh kicks Kaito in the head a'la Kawada, except even shittier-looking, somehow. Kaito firing back with elbow drops, and Kenoh floors him with a blow of his own. Kaito connects on a dropkick and follows suit with a beautiful bridging German suplex. Now Kaito is working this weird body lock submission. It's like a half octopus hold, maybe? Alas, Kenoh makes it to the ropes. Kaito goes for a German, but Kenoh lands on his feet, kicks Kaito a billion times, Liu Kang-style, and hits a GREAT looking moonsault kneedrop for a two count. Kenoh climbs the top rope again, only for Kaito to hit him with a dropkick of his own on the way down. Kaito hits another dropkick and a great looking brainbuster. Yep, only good enough for a two-count. Kenoh falls Kaito with a sudden head kick, then he tries to German suplex his ass on the edge of the apron. Kaito fights him off for a while, but eventually Kenoh lands it and yeah, it looked pretty hurty. Kaito has this one look on his face that my autistic cat who used to sit on top of the microwave used to get right before it farted. He should probably see a vet about that, really. So Kenoh lands double top rop stomach stomps, but Kaito kicks out because reasons. Kenoh bitch slaps Kaito again, then Kaito starts headbutting him. And that's Kaito's cue to hit a super reverse DDT off the top rope. Unfortunately, he's too tired to go for a pin attempt, so they each just kinda' lay there for a minute doin' nothing. Now they're tradin' elbow shots again. Kaito lands a big European uppercut, Kenoh kicks him in the sternum, and the cycle doth repeat ad infinitum. Kenoh gets dropped by a SHITTY looking back elbow smash and Kaito goes back to applying the half-octopus thingy. Then they take turns German suplexing the fuck out of each other, with Kaito almost getting the ace on another 'plex of the Germanic variety. Time for a slap fight, because this thing isn't trying hard enough as it is. Kenoh falls Kaito with another head kick and Kaito responds with back-to-back-to-back dropkicks. Kaito goes for a Tiger Suplex but Kenoh tries to fight out of it. He counters, only for Kaito to counter with a fucking VERTEBREAKER for a two-count. Kaito calls for the Tiger Suplex again, and this time he sticks it, but only for a two-count. Kaito hits it again and yep, this TIME it nets him the three-count.

My Score: *** 1/2

The Verdict: It got better down the stretch, but to be honest with you fam, I just wasn't feeling this one that much. This was another Pro Wrestling NOAH match that felt WAY too much like it was trying to be New Japan-lite, and let’s face it, Kenoh ain’t Okada and Kaito ain’t no Naito. It had some decent moments here and there, but considering it’s length, it really didn’t produce that much of note — technically, it’s a respectable outing, but with so much high-quality product out there nowadays, I reckons you can safely skip this one and live a totally fruitful and fulfilling life as a pro wrestling fan.

>>>Nov. 09, 2019<<<

Chris Jericho vs. Cody (AEW Full Gear)

The gimmick here is that if Jericho wins, not only does he retain the title, that also means Cody's heavily Botoxed ass can NEVER, EVER challenge for the AEW belt ever again, because we all know how well pro wrestling promotions tend to adhere to gimmick stipulations. In Cody's corner is MJF and in Jericho's it's Jake Hager, who hopefully, will start punching balls really hard like he did in his last Bellator fight. Thankfully, Jericho eschewed the goth makeup for this one, so now he just looks like a really old and fat version of James Hetfield now. LOL at the company trying to get over the fact that the referee is a woman. Like anybody gives a shit, especially when she's so flat, she makes Olive Oil look like Pandora Peaks. Cody works and arm wrench and Jericho gets a switch to reverse the hold. Cody does a cartwheel for no real reason, except maybe to show Jericho something he can do that Chris can't without breaking the ring underneath the pressure of his tremendous girth. Jericho corners Cody in the corner, gets a few chops off and bails to the outside. By the way, our special guest judges for the match are Dean Malenko, Arn Anderson and the Great Muta. Back in the ring, Jericho hits a shoulder tackle. Cody leapfrogs and Jericho starts chopping. Cody with the old Dustin Rhodes "I'm going to drop to my back and uppercut you" spot, then Jericho starts mean-mugging Malenko at ringside. Holy shit, if you thought Jericho looked bad nowadays, holy goddamn fucking shit, he LITERALLY looks older than Arn does now. Jericho works a waistlock and Cody tries to peel away the champ's grip. Cody reverses it into a hammerlock, but Jericho quickly counters back to a waistlock. Jericho falls through the ropes and Cody hits him with a tope. Cody with a missile dropkick off the top rope for a two-count. Cody keeps wrenching Jericho's arm, apparently an attempt to negate the Judas Effect back elbow finisher. Cody stomps Jericho's elbow and hits him with a powerslam. Jericho gets dumped onto the rampway and Cody goes for another tope, only for Jericho to roll out of the way at the last second. That gives Cody ample time to juice like crazy on the crash landing, and here come the fake doctors to pretend to care about his facial abrasion. Jericho sets up a chair in the corner and waits for Cody to get to his feet. Jericho, of course, boots him in the face as soon he does. Jericho works a half nelson and punches the shit out of Cody before tossing him to the outside. Hager gets a free shot on Cody while the ref is distracted, because women never pay attention to anything. Jericho slams Cody stomach first on the top rope and is it just me or is Hager ALWAYS wearing that one button-up short-sleeve shirt? Cody starts fighting back and Jericho kitchen sinks him good with a patella to pancreas. The ref admonishes Jericho for being a no-good sonofabitch but he keeps headbutting Cody in the stomach anyway. Jericho catches Cody with a boot in the corner, but he whiffs on the desperation moonsault. Jericho works a sleeperhold and Cody fights his way out with punches in bunches. Now Jericho is working an abdominal stretch, complete with elbow shots to the ribs galore. Cody gets a hip toss, then Jericho connects on a dropkick for a two-count. Jericho goes back to the chinlock, then Cody whiffs on another dropkick. Jericho goes for the Lionsault, but Cody gets his knees up. Cody hits a lethal injection, but Jericho kicks out of that at two. For some reason, Jim Ross said he thinks it would be something if Cody won with the Diamond Cutter, although he doesn't really explain why. At this point, Cody has his second wind going pretty strong, complete with the old ten-count punches in the corner sequence. Cody dropkicks Jericho off the apron, but Jericho starts working the ribs and slams him back first into the metal post. Cody's mom slaps Jericho and I'm pretty sure I heard her say "fuck you" to Jericho. Huh, as if I should've expected anything resembling class out of the Rhodes family, eh? Cody lands the old Alabama Slam — which Excalibur erroneously calls a spinebuster — and then he locks in the figure four. Holy shit, that referee may indeed be the most unfuckable woman I've ever seen, regardless of all that lipstick she's wearing. So Cody goes or a quick roll-up, allowing Hager to sucker punch Jericho while the ref is distracted again. So Hager gets ejected from ringside, but not before he beats the shit out of of MJF a little on his way out. There you go, never leave an opportunity to beat a Jew on the table for any reason. Hey, speaking of opportunists, Jericho clocks Cody with the AEW title while the ref is out, I don't know, douching or something. So Cody kicks out at two, and then Jericho goes for the Judas Effect, then Cody counters it into the Cross Rhodes, but Jericho kicks out at two. The fans chant "this is awesome," although they could also be chanting "this is a free RAW match from 2010" just as easily. Now the two are trading blows on their knees, but not in a sexual manner — I think. Then Cody does the old Dusty Rhodes bionic elbow, but Jericho kicks out of that, primarily because it's a really, really shitty finisher. Jericho hits a defensive Codebreaker, but Cody kicks out at two. LOL at Jim Ross trying to say certain words while having cerebral palsy. Now Jericho is hitting Cody with his weight belt but he's not getting disqualified for some reason. Yep, that's what gender equality gets you right there. Cody goes for a top rope Frankensteiner, but Jericho, of course, counters it into the Walls of Jericho on the landing. Cody tries to make it to the ropes, and he gets there. Jericho shoves the ref on her non-existent titties, then Cody goes for a roll-up. Just a two. Now Jericho has the LIONTAMER applied, complete with head stomps a plenty. And then MJF throws in the towel, which means Jericho RETAINS. In the post fight shenanigans, MJF gingerly explains to Cody why he threw in the towel, and after a few moments of thoughtful introspection, he forgives his pal for his actions.  Then, of course, MJF kicks Cody right in the balls, because that's what he gets for trusting a Hebrew in the first place.

My Score: ****

The Verdict: Eh, it was an alright match, but hardly anything truly magnificent. Both guys stepped up their games for a better than average performance, but for my money, it was still a little too by-the-numbers, with the fluky, sports-entertainment-tinged, storyline-propelling gimmick finish really taking the wind out of what was an otherwise stellar final five minute stretch of action.

>>>Nov. 23, 2019<<<

Tommaso Ciampa, Keith Lee, Dominik Dikakovic and a SPECIAL MYSTERY PARTNER vs. Adam Cole, Bobby Fish, Kyle O'Reilly and Roderick Strong (NXT TakeOver: WarGames 2019)

It's Strong and Ciampa to begin. By the way, Ciampa is wearing face paint like that guy from God of War, because who DOESN'T love references to video games from 2005? Lotsa' clothesline to begin, with Strong backbreaking Ciampa into the other ring. Time for choppa-choppa. Ciampa with a kick to "the mush," per Mauro. Ciampa with punches in bunches in the corner, complete with a "fuck you" utterance that had to be bleeped out to appease the sponsors. THAT'S HARDCORE, THAT'S HARDCORE. Now Strong is punching the shit out of Ciampa in the corner. Ciampa escapes and kicks Strong's noggin through his legs while he's straddled on the top rope. Ciampa looks for a draping DDT, but he can't get it. Ciampa ultimately clotheslines Strong over the rope, and we all chuckle heartily. Mauro keeps on saying shit about this being a four-on-three matchup, even though we know there's going to be a fourth person show up, per 'rassling law. Strong with a double knee gutbuster and Strong shows off his magnificently receding hairline, which appears to begin somewhere near his asshole. Kyle O'Reilly is the next man in. Ciampa chops everybody, then Kyle takes him down and starts hitting him with some GREAT looking strikes. Now Ciampa is getting pinballed between Strong and O'Reilly, who just keep kicking the dogshit out of him. For some reason, the fans are chanting the non-existent baseline from "Seven Nation Army" while Strong keeps hitting Ciampa upside the head with elbow shots. Ciampa gets hit with another backbreaker and O'Reilly hits him with a top rope knee drop. Time to make it a two-on-two affair as Dominik enters the fray. He spin kicks Strong and drops O'Reilly with a clothesline. Wow, that guy is lanky as fuck. Dominik suplexes O'Reilly on top of Strong, then he starts slamming Strong all over the cage. O'Reilly goes for a standing guillotine, but Dominik counters it into a standing backbreaker before slinging his ass into the cage, too. Dominik punches the shit out of O'Reilly while he's stuck between the ropes and now it's time for Bobby Fish to join the festivities. He makes a bee-line for Ciampa and kicks the shit out of Dominik. O'Reilly locks Dominik in a rear naked choke and Fish hits him with a clothesline, I think. Strong hits Ciampa with a backbreaker and know, the Undisputed ERA are back in the driver's seat. Everybody takes turns running a forearm train on Dominik , while Ciampa eats knees in threes. Meanwhile, Keith Lee locks all angry well locked in the stageside cage, which kinda brings up the question: is enslaving a black man in a cage in the year 2019 REALLY the best visual you want to be using to represent your company? So his fat black ass comes in and he wrecks everybody like a more melanated version of The Juggernaut who is also statistically more susceptible to sickle cell disease. Mauro asks if that's Keith Lee or Bruce Lee, which is kind of a dumb question, since Bruce Lee has been dead for like, 50 years. The U.E gang up on Keith Lee, which may or may not constitute a hate crime, but here comes Ciampa playing white savior. And now it's time for Adam Cole to join the tomfoolery. He pulls a table out of the ring before entering the cage, and yanks out a couple of more pieces of furniture just to be on the safe side. There's enough tables in the cage now to open a new Gallery Furniture location. Or at the very least, set up a really good buffet. LOL, Ciampa just launched Cole through Chekov's table on the outside, and the crowd doesn't even really react to it. So it's technically a four-on-three WarGames at this point, for this keeping score at home. Now it's a seven-man donnybrook, and we all chortle when Keith Lee gets hit in his big, black testicles. The clock ticks down to zero, and the final man in the cage is ... KEVIN OWENS. "Holy bleep!" Mauro comments. Yeah, I hate corporate wrestling, too. So Kevin Owens fat white ass does a number on the U.E., hitting all sorts of motherfuckers with sleeper suplexes and powerbombing motherfuckers on top of other motherfuckers. And with all eight men in the cage, that mans the MATCH BEYOND has officially begun. Owens tells Cole to "suck it," then he hits Cole with a Stone Cold Stunner. So, uh, is Kevin's gimmick is that he's actually a time-displaced Attitude Era fanboy in the year 2019? Because that's actually a really good idea, now that I think about it. So Cimpa and Owen stomp the shit out of the U.E., and O'Reilly gets hit with a draping DDT. We've got at least three tables set up in the ring at this point. Keith Lee climbs the top rope and wipes out EVERYBODY with a Flying Fat Black Person Off The Top Rope. Then O'Reilly hits him with a flying knee drop and locks in a kneebar. Then Dominik hits O'Reilly with a moonsault, then Fish breaks up THAT pin attempt with a moonsault of his own. Owens hits  senton, then Cole superkicks fuckin' EVERYBODY. Now Roderick Strong Olympic Slams Keith Lee off the top rope, only for Dominik to break up the pin attempt. Owens slams a whole buncha' motherfuckers into the cage, then Cole superkicks him. It takes some finagling, but he manages to follow suit with the Panama Sunset on THE UNFORGIVING METAL STRIP IN BETWEEN THE TWO RINGS. "Remember, in WarGames, there are no victims, only volunteers," Mauro remarks. The U.E. set up side-by-side tables in the corner, with Ciampa the intended sacrifice. Strong gets hit with PROJECT CIAMPA, then he knees everybody in the face, only to get superkicked by Cole. Ciampa knees him a billion times, then Cole threatens a Panama Sunset off the top rope, through said furniture. Cole climbs to the top of the cage, and Ciampa pursues. On the other side of the cage, the U.E. double teams Keith Lee. Dominik choke slams Strong through a table, then O'Reilly locks in an arm triangle on Dominik ... only for Owen to fucking frog splash him through the table. Then Keith Lee power bombs Fish through a table, so it's nothing but human wreckage in that quadrant of the ring. Which, of course, leaves us with Cole and Ciampa scuffling on top of the cage. Ciampa threatens to hit Cole with a KRYPTONITE KRUNCH OFF THE TOP OF THE CAGE AND HOT CHRIST HE LANDS IT. OK, that HAS to be the most insane spot of the year right there. Obviously, that's gonna' be a three-count right there ... and an even increase on Adam Cole's life insurance policy rate, to boot.

My Score: **** 1/2

The Verdict: Yeah, that was spectacle sports-entertainment car-wreck pro 'rasslin at its absolute best right there. It was just motherfuckers beating the motherfuck out of each other for 25 minutes, then everybody trying to do their best to out-paralyze one another for the final 10 minutes and it was glorious. It’s really, really hard to screw up the WarGames format, and thankfully, this NXT clusterfuck of awesomeness was no exception; And a good goddamn, was that Kryptonite Krunch off the top of the cage an obvious spot-of-the-year contender or what?

>>>Nov. 24, 2019<<<

Brock Lesnar vs. Rey Mysterio (WWE Survivor Series 2019)

It's no holds barred, by the way, so expect some shenanigans coming down the final stretch. Hopefully, this will be this generation's Mike Awesome vs. Spike Dudley from Guilty As Charged 2000. So Rey Rey comes out looking a LOT like Psycho Clown. Or is that an oblique homage to Doink the Clown? How weird it is to hear Rey coming out to the SAME P.O.D. song from 2002. In fact, the fact that we're getting this match in 2019 itself feels like we're kinda' stuck in a space-time continuum snafu, but what the hell ever. Also, Jerry the King is fucking RULING it on commentary duties tonight, so big ups to him and also his foot fetishism — his penchant for the young 'uns, though, not so much. LOL at the fans booing Rey Rey during the intros. Rey rolls to the outside and pulls out a baseball bat. Or is that a lead pipe? Whatever it is, it doesn't take long for Lesnar to catch him and disarm him. Brock literally BOWLS Rey out of the ring and we all chortle. Brock chucks Rey over the Spanish announce table, and then he overhead belly-to-back suplexes his ass through the furniture. Now he's stomping the SHIT out of Rey, and that makes us laugh even more. Brock slams Rey spine-first ino the metal post and the crowd is almost deathly silent. Brock stops to tie his boots, and Rey slings Brock into the metal post. Rey crawls toward the lead pipe, only for Brock to put a halt to it, then he GERMANS his ass on top of the pipe. Rey gets Germaned again, and you can hear a pin drop. Rey gets Germaned again and now Dominic is out with a towel. Brock refuses to accept the submission, and Rey Rey hits Brock in the balls while his back is turned, then Dominic hits Brock in the testicles, too. Rey gets the pipe, and now Dominic conks Bronk on the back with a chair and then he AND Rey hit Brock with double 619s. Rey and Dominic land back-to-back frog splashes, and of course, Brock kicks out. So it's basically a father and son two on one at this point. Brock Germans Dominic off the top rope, Rey goes for a splash off the top rope, Brock grabs him, hits the F5, and yep, that's the pinfall right there.

My Score: ****

The Verdict: That was about as good a sub-10 minute match as we were probably going to get with this pairing. Brock Lesnar has already established himself as the undisputed god of pro wrestling minimalism, and Rey Rey definitely brought what he could to the thankless role of chew toy in this one. Still, all of the sports-entertainment tomfoolery with Dominic and the lead pipe actually ADDED to the fun of the match, and I’ll always be a sucker for these “little motherfucker vs. big motherfucker” style matches. It wasn’t a MOTY-caliber affair, but it sure as hell was entertaining — and really, ain’t that what rasslin is supposed to be about instead of all this workrate hullabaloo.

DECEMBER 2019 MATCHES

ROH - the sensible alternative to sports-entertainment tomfoolery. 

>>>Dec. 01, 2019<<<

Rush vs. L.A. Park vs. Pagano (AAA TripleMania Regia)

Pagano comes out looking like a cracked out Mexican Jeff Hardy, which, yeah, I guess is the look he was aiming for here. LOL at the referee being, like, five feet tall and 230 pounds. The fans are solidly behind Pagano and they boo the living dogs hit out of Rush. Park, of course, gets a big fat ovation, because he is both big and fat. Man, the lighting for this show is just plain bad, even by Mexican standards. So the match begins proper and Pagano gets stomped real good while an ad for Comex plays on the giant digital display board behind the ring. Don’t worry, it’s coming to American wrestling soon enough. Park throws a ladder and a chair into the ring, and then Pagano gets waffled with a cookie sheet. COMER NUTRI-DELI, ES MUY BUENO! Pagano gets backdropped onto the ladder, then Rush slams the COOKIE SHEET OF DREAD AND MISERY over his noggin. Park gets a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and sacks Pagano with it, and now Rush is using it to carve up Pagano’s forehead real good. So far, this has basically been a glorified two-on-one match, with arch rivals Park and Rush getting along surprisingly well while beating the living dog shit out of Pagano. Rush hits Pagano with a snap mare, now he’s whipping him with an electric cord. Now he’s strangling him with it. Park sets up some fluorescent light tubes between a ladder and the ringside barrier and, of course, that means Pagano has to be suplexed through them. Park goes for a quick pin attempt and NOW he and Rush start getting into it. LOL at the announcer saying “molesto” a lot. Yeah, I know it doesn’t mean the same thing in Spanish, but the LULZ stand based on pure principle. Rush does a sexy man pose in the middle of the ring and the it’s time for another Park/Rush shove-fest. Pagano single leg drop kicks both Park and Rush, then he hits them with a flying swan dive to the outside. Man, Pagano has some shitty-looking punches, even by lucha libre metrics. Thankfully, he can swing a mean cookie sheet to kinda’-sorta’ make up for it. Pagan uses the ladder to smack Pagano’s back and pokes Park in the belly with it once. Back in the ring and Pagano chops Park real good, then he hits a SHIT-TASTIC twisting neckbreaker off the ropes. Rush unties Park’s belt, but instead of rectally abusing him, he uses said pants-holding mechanism to slap everybody silly. Rush hits Pagano with a German suplex and a running knee to the face, and then Park gets belly-to-back ‘flexed. Rush goes for a cover but only gets a two-count. Park hits Rush with a powerslam, but Pagano breaks up the pin attempt. Pagano with a crappy wheel kick in the corner  and the worst Lethal Injection you’ve ever seen in your life. Rush, of course, breaks up the pin. Pagano gets belly to back suplexed into the corner and Park gets nothing but ballsack on a flying ass-blast into the adjacent corner. Park spears Rush in mid-air but he doesn’t go for the pin right away. Pagano hits a running shit-kick on Park and a double leg drop off the top on Rush. Then he retrieves a light tube, diving head first to the outside to explode that sumbitch right over Park’s noggin. OK, that HAS to be the best moment of the match thus far. Then Rush hits a cannonball dive to the outside and wipes out EVERYBODY. Back in the ring and Rush hits a basement dropkick in the corner on Pagano. These two kids in Joker face paint enter the ring, only for Park to hit them with light tubes and give them a flying lard ass tope to the outside for good measure. Hey, here comes Konnan and some other guy. They bring a table into the ring, splay Pagano over it and Rush tries to ass bomb him through the table, but he literally bounces off his foe and the table doesn’t break. So he goes up top and a guy throws beer on him, and he goes for another ass bomb and he BOUNCES off Pagano again. Holy shit, they ought to make bullet-proof vests out of whatever that table is made of. So Rush gets the pin anyway, and the furniture is set up in the corner while Pagano bleeds on the other side of the ring. Now, my Spanish is a little rusty, but I’m pretty sure Rush, Kennan and that other guy just asked L.A. Park to join a new incarnation of LOS IGNOBERALES. He agrees and they all gang up on Pagano. They put him on the sacrificial table that won’t break again, except this time they make PARK jump off the top rope, so this time the furniture at least bends down the middle a little bit. The beatdown continues, the lights dim, and yep, that’s the show, folks.

My Score: ** 3/4

The Verdict? You know, that may very well be the first hardcore match I’ve seen where, unironically, the most impressive performance in the entire bout was from one of the tables. I mean, if even LA Park’s nearly 300-pound ass couldn’t turn that thing into toothpicks, I think you could probably land an elephant on it from outer space and it wouldn’t as much as dent the finish. But as for the animated individuals involved in the matchup? Eh, this was a pretty half-assed showing from virtually everybody involved — the post-match stuff might be mildly historical, but on the whole, this is stuff you could definitely skip without feeling an iota of pity.

>>>Dec. 06, 2019<<<

El Solar vs. El Satanico (CMLL Leyendas Mexicanas)

I’m pretty sure both of these guys are EASILY in their 60s. Wait let me check the Wikipedia real quick — holy shit El Satanico is SEVENTY. So Satanico works the hammerlock a little bit, then he goes for a trip-up takedown. Then El Solar ties up Satanico in a funky bow and arrow submission, and when that don’t do the trick, he cinches him up for  a ride in a Mexican Surfboard. You know, for guys whose combined ages is literally 130-plus, they actually are surprisingly nimble. Satanico gets an arm drag and Solar counters with a quick pin. Satanico counters with a chin lock, but Solar gets out of that easily. Now Solar is looking for another arm bar. Hot hell, these guys do a better job of pseudo shoot-style than Timothy Thatcher! Solar goes for another groovy-looking kneeler and Satanico just writhes in pain and its fantastic. Satanico counters with a heel hook of his own, which he counters into a a half Scorpion Deathlock ever so briefly. Solar gets another arm drag and they do that dumb leg slap spot and trade near falls. No joke, they put on a better spot-fest than half the AEW roster, despite each wrestler being *this* close to stay in a hospice. Solar goes for another twisty submission attempt, and Satanico counters with a sunset flip for two. There’s another standstill, and there’s this one MILF in the crowd in a tight sweater the camera just HAPPENS to linger on for a couple of seconds during the doldrum. A coincidence, I’m sure. Solar goes for another pin attempt, but it’s only good for a two. He goes for an inverted bridging cradle, but that only gets a two, as well. SATANICO absolutely JACKS Solar on a monkey flip counter, then Solar leg trips Satanico after flipping over the top rope. That’s actually REALLY impressive for a friggin’ 63-year-old, actually. Solar hits a body splash off the ropes, but Satanico kicks out of that, too. Solar hits a BOSS tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and it really looks like Satanico throw his back out and it’s fantastic. Now Satanico is going for the dreaded OCTOPUS HOLD, which Solar escapes from by simply, you know, falling backwards, like any non-retard would. Solar goes up top and hits this weird (read: horrifically botched) DDT/bulldog-type maneuver then Satanico spine busts Solar like a mofo before using a half scorpion deathlock to get the pinball out of nowhere. Huh, I guy tricking his opponent into a pinning predicament under the pretense of a sub attempt? That’s actually really clever, come to think of it.

My Score: ***

The Verdict: OK, that was WAY better than it had any right to be — or, at the very least, it was nowhere near as terrible as it probably should’ve been. I still can’t get over how smooth their ground grappling transitions were — I mean, that shit made Zach Sabre and the rest of those anorexic twats on the RevPro circuit look like absolute shit. Of course, the finish was an utter disaster, but for getting as far as they did — and neither wrestler dying of a heart attack in the process — they should both be commended for their respective overachieving herein.

>>>Dec. 12, 2019<<<

Jake Lee and Naoya Nomura vs. Kento Miyahara and Yuma Aoyagi (AJPW Real World Tag League 2019 Day 19)

Man, how sad is it that All Japan is forced to run one of its biggest shows of the year out of a high school gymnasium somewhere in Iwate Prefecture or wherever the hell this place is? Still, KENTO appears to be OVER AS FUCK with the 200 or so people in attendnace for this evening's festivities. A heads up, Jake Lee and Nomura like virtually identical, right down to their matching middle aged-mother haircuts, so I am likely to get them confused a whole buncha' times throughout this bout. So it looks like it's going to be KENTO and Nomura to begin. You know, KENTO really is a poor man's Okada, and I kinda' mean that as a compliment, I think. Collar and elbow tie-up to begin. Nomura affords Kento a clean break, and Kento just looks at him like "Wow, your haircut is really stupid, even by Japanese pro wrestling standards," because it really is. Kento bullies Nomura into the ropes, but he doesn't give him a clean break. They trade whiffed kicks and there's a standstill so the fans can cheer and holler and shit. Yuma and Jake Lee get tagged in. They do a buncha' wristlock reversals, then Jake hits a big shoulder charge, only for Yuma to hit a PHAT arm drag, which Lee responds to with an even PHATTER drop kick. Nomura knees the FUCK out Yuma on the outside, then Nomura fuckin' punts Kento over the guardrail while Lee chin locks Yuma like a motherfucker back in the ring. Lee with more stomps and Nomura gets the tag. Then Nomura punts Kento off the apron, and then KENTO drop kicks Nomura for being a sonofabitch and drops him jugular first on the ringside barrier. That's what you get, you little prick. So Yuma keeps European uppercutting Lee on the outside and we have ourselves a real good slugfest going on now. Kento headbutts THE SHIT out of Nomura and throws him back into Yuma's waiting arms. Time for a chinlock, with Kento stepping in to punt Nomura for good measure. Yuma locks in a modified Camel Clutch and Kento keeps a' kickin' him. Nomura back drops Yuma and Lee gets the tag. Kento gets the living shit kicked out of him on the outside while this one Japanese bitch who looks like a supporting character in Shenmue records Miyahara being choked over the guardrail with her smartphone. Back in the ring, Lee makes Yuma eat turnbuckle sandwich, following suit with a beautiful northern lights suplex. That's our cue for Kento to run in and kick the shit out of everybody some more, and it is motherfuckin' FANTASTIC. Lee applies another chinlock on Yuma, the Nomura enters the ring and punts the shit out of Yuma's stomach. Lee botches a DDT on Yuma, but saves face a little bit by converting it into a BOSS-looking half-abdominal stretch submission. Like, he looks like he's REALLY trying to rip Yuma in half and it is GLORIOUS. Lee breaks the hold so he can go up top for a frog splash, but Yuma gets his knees up. Yuma feeds Lee a bajillion elbow shots and GERMAN SUPLEXES THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. This is a fucking GREAT tag team match right here. Kento and Nomura get tagged in at the same time and Kento drop kicks Nomura in the fucking head and starts showboating. Nomura catches Kento with a knee to the solar plexus, then Lee elbows Yuma off the apron. Nomura and Lee take turns running a face-kicking train on Yuma, only for Kento to grab Nomura's legs so Yuma can run in and hit a dropkick on Lee. Then it's Kento and Nomura's turn to run a face-kicking train, only for Lee to kick Yuma off the top rope, which in turn allows Nomura to put Kento in a sleeperhold. The pace on this one is absolutely unreal, without ever becoming an AEW spotfuck, and like a blowjob at McDonald's, I'm loving it. Nomura punts Kento in the stomach, but Kento counters with a brainbuster. Now it's down to Lee and Yuma beating the hot holy fuck outta' each other in the middle of the ring. Yuma hits a superkick, then Keno hits a knee and Germans the hell out of Nomura, but he kicks out of the top layer of bread in the knee-to-face/suplex sandwich. Now Kento is going for the stalling German, but Nomura counters with a one-legged powerbomb. Nomura appears to be going for a back body drop, but Kento reverses it, resulting in a bridging pin attempt for 2.99999999. Then Yuma enters the ring and Germans Nomura, then it's Lee elbowing FUCKING everybody, then Kento and Yuma hit stereo knees on Lee, the Kento drops Nomura with a fucking running knee and he kicks out at 2.9999999999999. Kento goes for the stalling German again, but Nomura breaks free, hits back-to-back-back superkicks and kills Kento DEAD with a back-body drop for the three-count.

My Score: **** 1/2

The Verdict: Holy fuck, that match was ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. This was just nonstop bell-to-bell action with no flip-flopping horse shit, some excellent brawling and exquisite use of power moves that actually looked devastating for a change, all culminating in a thrilling, evenly-matched tag classic that’s probably about as close as we’re going to get to legit King’s Road style in modern Japanese wrestling. But you know what the REALLY crazy thing is? As good as this match was, it may not have even been the best match Lee and Nomura had that evening ...

>>>Dec. 12, 2019<<<

Shuji Ishikawa and SUWAMA vs. Jake Lee and Naoya Nomura (AJPW Real World Tag League 2019 Day 19)

Lee and Nomura, understandably, come out looking more gassed than Auschwitz victims following that absolute BARN-BURNER they had against Kento and Yuma earlier in the show. So the obvious storyline here is that the Violent Giants only outweigh their plucky competitors by, I don't know, 100 or so pounds, combined. And as we all know, I am a SUCKER for these "undersized underdogs get the living shit beat out of them by humongous veterans that ALMOST feel sorry for them" type affairs, so I expect this one to be an absolute classic based on the names involved ALONE. So it'll be Lee and SUWAMA to begin. Lee works a headlock early and takes the much larger man off his feet with a dropkick. SUWAMA grabs Lee and hits him with a fucking PHAT Exploder suplex, then Ishikawa gets the tag. Nomura and SUWAMA slug it out on the gymnasium floor while Ishikawa practices 50-yard field goal attempts on Lee's lower intestine. SUWAMA is tagged back in and he taunts Lee with mamby-pamby boots to the face. Then he fucking KILLS HIM DEAD with a karate chop to the sternum that literally echoes throughout the building. SUWAMA follows suit with a snap suplex, but it only gets a two. Ishikawa is tagged back in and Lee is brutalized with hard elbow shots in the corner. Ishikawa goes up top and DOUBLE STOMPS Lee, in what would probably constitute attempted murder in real life. Lee, of course kicks out at two. Lee tries to spear Ishikawa, but he does manage to suplex him on a brainbuster counter. Nomura gets the hot tag and kicks Ishikawa right in the fuckin' face before dropping him with a DDT. He elbows SUWAMA off the apron and tries to gutwrench suplex Ishikawa, and he FUCKING DOES. Naturally, it's only worth a two-count, but it's still pretty impressive considering Ishikawa's tremendous girth. Nomura kicks Ishikawa in the face and the latter ripostes with a NASTY STO backbreaker. SUWAMA is tagged back in and he lariat-os Nomura like a motherfucker. He follows suit with a back body drop, but Nomura kicks out at 2.9999. SUWAMA goes for another back body drop, but Nomura fights his way out of it. We have another elbow-off, which ends with SUWAMA German suplexing the shit out of Nomura, only for Nomura to no sell it and hit SUWAMA with a fucking GLORIOUS jumping roundhouse kick to the sid eof the head. Lee gets tagged in and so does Ishikawa. Lee manages to spear Ishikawa off his feet, but the pin attempt can only net a two. Lee goes for a German, but Ishikawa makes it safely to the ropes. Ishikawa hits Lee with a HYUGE knee to the stomach, then he and SUWAMA run a double clothesline train on him for a two count, thanks to Nomura's run-in. SUWAMA and Ishikawa call for STEREO POWERBOMBS, but we get STEREO BACKDROPS instead. Lee and Nomura take turns punting Ishikawa in the corner, with Lee ultimately spearing Ishikawa for another two-count. Ishikawa hits Lee with a monsterous back body drop, then Nomura starts kicking the living fuck out of SUWAMA. Lee and Nomura hit double rolling cartwheel kicks on Ishikawa, but he kicks out at two. Lee goes up top, only for SUWAMA to crotch him and Ishikawa powerbomb his own partner off the top rope for a really shitty looking Tower of Doom spot. Nomura runs in and KNEES FUCKIN' EVERYBODY WHO HAS EVER LIVED, then it's time for Lee and Ishikawa to have a good, old-fashioned elbow-to-the-face-off. Lee manages to drop Ishikawa, and he fucking UNLOADS a barrage of elbow shots on that fucker while he's on his knees, concluding the putsch with a running clothesline to the back of his foe's head and a PHAT frog splash — which, of course, is only good enough for a two-count. Lee hits a fucking ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT on Ishikawa, but SUWAMA breaks up the pin attempt at 2.9999. Lee goes for another Attitude Adjustment, only for Ishikawa to catch him and KILL HIM DEAD with the NASTIEST fuckin' Michinoku Driver variation you've ever seen in your life. Ishikawa hits a running knee, but it's only good for a two-count. Then he FUCKING OBLITERATES LEE OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH with a massive powerbomb, but Lee, amazingly, kicks out of that, too. Ishikawa with a knee to the stomach, and Lee drops his opponent with an elbow smash. Now it's time for SUWAMA and Nomura to beat the fuck outof each other some more, with Suwama fucking LOBOTOMIZING Nomura with the most brutal back body drop you'll ever see in your life. OK, this is getting DANGEROUSLY close to MOTY-territory now. Lee feeds the Violent Giants elbow smashes, then the Violent Giants hit Lee with DOUBLE DROP KICKS for a two-count. Lee elbows the fuck out of Ishikawa some more, only for Ishikawa to hit him with another German suplex and running knee combo, but Lee DOES manage to kick out at two, somehow. Ishikawa hits the KAMI-GOYE and ANOTHER running knee on Lee, but hot fuck, he KICKS OUT OF THAT, as well. Ishikawa lands a DEADLY back body drop and THAT is what finally puts Lee away for good. Then in the post-fight, the Violent Giants get these huge fuckin' trophies while Sega CD music plays in the background, and we know all is once again right in this crazy, crazy world of 

ours.

My Score: **** 1/2

The Verdict: Folks, that may very well be the best match I saw all year long in 2019, and that's saying something. SUWAMA and Ishikawa just came out looking and feeling like unstoppable death machines and Lee and Nomura gave it everything they had and then some to make this one feel worthy of the illustrious Real World Tag League pedigree. It may not have totally recaptured that mid-90s magic of The Holy Demon Army and the Miracle Violence Connection, but this was undoubtedly a RWTL final that deserves mentioning along the vaunted likes of Kobashi, Misawa, Kawada and Taue — not only is this a must-see, this is a must-see-and-then-show-it-to-all-of-your-other-rasslin-fan-friends-so-they’ll-know-what-a-real-goddamn-tag-match-is-supposed-to-look-like instant-classic.

>>>Dec. 13, 2019<<<

PCO vs. Rush (ROH Final Battle 2019)

Yep, it's Jean-Pierre LaFitte taking on a luchador half-timer for the ROH World Championship in the year 2019. In case you're wondering, PCO is 51 years old and he dresses like Mortal Kombat III character. LOL, the ref looks like that one fat camp counselor from "Heavyweights." For the record, this match is being contested under "Friday the 13th Massacre" rules, which is what we used to call a "no DQ match" back before everybody had autism. We've got some VERY shitty forearm shots to begin, with PCO lobbing blows at literally YEARS per second. Rush gets hit by a shitty looking clothesline and bails to the outside. Then Rush throws a chair at PCO and misses by several zip codes. So he conks him over the coconut with the metal sitting aide and tosses PCO head first into the ringside barrier a couple of times. You know, I don't think I recall Bret Hart using that strategy. Boy, there sure are a lot of obvious homosexuals in the crowd tonight — no judgement, just an observation. The fans chant "Rush" and I try to pass the time counting all the referee's chins. Rush with a body splash and a dropkick to PCO's big fat back. Then he does some push-ups to taunt his foe, because it's obvious as shit that PCO can't do more than two in a row these days. Rush kicks PCO right in the face in the corner and does the "tranquilo" pose. Rush locks in an armbar on the ropes and a buncha' fat fans in the audience tell him he sucks. Holy fuck, there's literally like only a 100 people in the audience. Rush grabs a miniature ladder and tosses it at PCO. The fat ref runs (well, more like wobbles) out of the ring and Rush launches PCO into the ladder again. Then PCO hits a fat avalanche and tosses PCO into the ladder, then he powerbombs his Mexican ass real good. PCO follows suit with the fattest cannonball to the outside in pro wrestling history, for sure. Then PCO goes for another senton, only this time Rush rolls out of the way and he lands spine-first on the edge of the ring. Rush capitalizes and suplexes PCO onto the ringside announce table, which doesn't break, somehow, even though PCO weighs approximately 450 pounds. Now they're brawling up the aisle and Rush starts spitting on a hearse PCO apparently drove to the show tonight. Then Rush hits PCO with a giant metal ROH placard and then he starts and piling up a whole bunch of chairs and guardrail fragments. Rosh tells everybody in the crowd they like to have sexual relations with their own mothers and then he throws PCO back first into the aforementioned metal bric a brac pile. "I AM DUH CHAMPEE-ON," Rush yells as he gingerly walks back to the ring. Then, some absolute goofball with a beard and a goofy trench coat comes out and uses a crowbar to pop open the hearse trunk while ominous music plays over the in-house P.A. system. Then he gives PCO a pair jumper cables and LITERALLY super charges him. Oh holy shit, that is LITERALLY the stupidest thing I have ever seen in wrestling. PCO, now electro-charged, chokeslams PCO on the roof of the hearse, while guys in the crowd chant "shock his dick." PCO hits a leg drop, then Rush backdrops Rush off the vehicle onto the concrete arena floor. PCO goes after Rush with the crowbar, then Rush hits him in the face with a metal equipment case. A guy in the audience holds up a sign that reads "Shut Up Cornette, Nobody Cares," Rush starts putting up all of these DOORS in the ring. Rush hits a suplex and a running knee for a two count. Rush hits a flying senton, but PCO kicks out at one. Rush breaks one of the doors over PCO's head, then he belly-to-back Rush into another door. Then PCO GORES Rush through the last remaining door, but he kicks out at two. PCO hits a twisting senton off the top rope, but Rush kicks out at two. Then that one bearded, trenchcoated gayfer gives PCO a table before Rush clobbers him with a steel chair. I legit LOL when Rush elbows the fuck out of he bearded queerbait. PCO chokeslams Rush and lays him on the table and hits the FATTEST moonsault of all-time for the three-count. 

My Score: ** 3/4

The Verdict: Holy shit, was that match the definition of indie cringe right there. I mean, isn’t ROH supposed to be the realistic alternative to all of the sports-entertainment bullshit all of the other American promotions are doing? Apparently, the heyday of Danielson vs. McGuinness is long gone, and now we’ve got legit ROH Championship matches where dudes are getting car battery shocked back to life. Just — fuck it, man, fuck it. Yeah, it had a few glimmers of hope here and there, but on the whole? This thing was woefully underwhelming, especially for something that should’ve been one of the marquee title matches of the entire calendar year.

>>>Dec. 14, 2019<<<

Blue Demon Jr., Rey Escorpión and Rush vs. Psycho Clown, Dr. Wagner Jr., and Drago (AAA Guerra De Titanes)

For those of you who aren't familiar with him, Drago comes out wearing a boss dragon mask that makes him look like a back-up member of GWAR. Holy shit, Rey's jumbo screen intro video is absolute hot trash. In fact, in a lot of ways, I guess you could consider Rey himself to be a REALLY poor man's version of Roman Reigns, and it is BLATANT. And although Blue Demon, Jr. comes out to Red Hot Chili Peppers, I still kinda' like him. Dr. Wagner, Jr. comes out to "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi and I'm pretty sure he's what Michael Myers would've looked like had he taken his mask off in that vastly overrated 2018 remake. Rush comes out wearing a black and white bull mask, because Mexicans sure do have a thing for both cattle and diametric aesthetic patterns. Then Psycho Clown comes out with these giant oversized foam hands that shoot fire, and he brings his whole family with them and they all have masks on, too, and it's unintentionally horrifying. Man, you'd think hugging a buncha' children in the audience with LITERAL goddamn flamethrowers taped to your hand would be an insurance liability or something, but hey, this is Mexico we're talking about here, after all. There's a giant video ad for "UNEFON" in the background, as well as Tums. You know, I see a lot of antacid ads at lucha libre shows. Must be all those burritos, I take it. It's Rey and Clown to begin, then Rush gets tagged in while the announcer says something about "Ring of Honor." Now it's Rey and Wagner going at it. There are many chops to be had here, folks. They take turns kicking each other and then Wagner slaps the SHIT out of Rey's titties in the corner, only for Rey to hit a quick running knee while the good doc is distracted. Wagner hits a dragon screw leg whip and Drago is tagged in. So it's going to be him and Blue Demon going at it. Drago drops Demon with a dropkick and Demon bails to the outside. Now it looks like we're gonna' get Psycho Clown vs. Rush. There's a ton of flips and leapfrongs before Clown finally hits a hurricanrana and a spinning clothesline. Rush eats turnbuckle and Psycho Clown follows suit with a flying cross-body and back-to-back tilt-a-whirl backbreakers. Then Clown starts hitting EVERYBODY with  belt, including the ref, before Rush gets tired of him rubbing his balls in his face and drops him deadass with a shotgun dropkick. Now it's time for some outside brawling. Rush hits Clown with a cookie sheet and Demon rocks Drago's world with a steel chair. Now Rey and Wagner are brawling through the crowd. Thank goodness for that newfangled split-screen technology and all, eh kids? Holy shit, they LITERALLY make the fans sit in patio chairs for this shit. Goddamn, Mexico is some kind of country. Demon backdrops Demon on the ramp and back in the ring, Rey punishes Wagner some more with a chair. Rush spits on his hand and rubs his belly while choking Psycho Clown with his balls on the ropes. Then he bails to the outside and fucking WRECKS Clown with a fallaway slam on top of the announce table. But apparently, it's one of those super-sturdy Mexican tables we were talking about earlier, because that shit just will NOT break, no matter how much pressure you put on it. Sensing the table just ain't going to break, Rush grabs some electrical cables and starts choking Clown with it. Yep, just the kind of wholesome family entertainment I'm certain a brand like Tums is plum proud to have associated with its brand name. So yeah, at this point, the rudos are just beating the dog shit out of the good guys, and that one announcer that kinda' sounds like Paul Heyman a little bit is getting REALLY excited. Hey, the ref kinda' looks like Guy Fieri a little bit — odd that I've never noticed that before. So Drago hits a tornado DDT on Rey, but then Demon clotheslines his ass good in the corner. Drago gets crotched and Demon gets MEXICAN MISTED, allowing Wagner to climb the top rope and hit a superplex. Psycho Clown hits Rey with a frog splash, then he gets a mop and starts fucking everybody up and oh shit, here comes L.A. Park and Killer Kross! Well, with them being the new incarnation of the Ignoberales, I guess you can take a wild guess what they're here to do. Rush super bombs Clown through a table post-beatdown and yep that's what gives us our three-count. After the bell, Los Ignoberales continue to beat the shit out of Drago, Wagner and Demon, just for good measure. There's this great spot where Park rips Drago's and Demon's mask off and just shows them off in front of the camera like war trophies and its awesome. Demon and Dragon hide their faces from the audience while Rush cuts a promo, then Park grabs the mic and cuts an even better promo, mainly because he's wearing this spandex T-shirt with his fat-ass belly hanging out of it no matter how stretchy it's supposed to be. Then Konnan says some shit while wearing a San Diego Padres cap and Killer Kross just sorta' mean mugs in front of the camera, obviously having no idea what the hell anybody's saying in the ring, except for the part were Park calls Wagner a "motherfucker" on live television and they don't even try to bleep it out.

My Score: ***

The Verdict: An absolute train wreck, but most certainly an enjoyable one. You know what to expect here, and that’s lots of madcap violence, lots of furniture getting fucked up and a LOT of spots being blown — you know, sort of like an RVD/Sabu match from 1998, only with more rolled r’s. For what it’s worth, it was pretty fun, but as a headline attraction, it was a tad disappointing — but hey, what else is new from AAA these days?

>>>Dec. 18, 2019<<<

Adam Cole vs. Finn Balor (NXT on USA)

So instead of putting this on PPV, they’re giving us this “dream matchup” on free television as the opening bout. Mauro makes a joke about Balor holding the NXT title for almost as long as the movie The Irishman, which, for the record, was just three and a half hours and really not that long at all. The fans trade chants of “undisputed” and “let’s go Balor,” because these people aren’t terribly inventive. We’ve got your requisite ground grappling to begin, with Balor locking in a headlock and getting a couple of takedowns. Cole gets a rope breaking slugs Finn real good, only for Balor to hit a basement dropkick off a sunset flip counter. Balor works the arm some more and hits Cole with a knife-edge chop. Mauro makes a reference to the Bullet Club and we all get nervous for a bit. Balor with another basement dropkick and Cole, of course, kicks out at two. Balor with stomps galore, to the point one might even consider it an oblique homage to the murder of Matthew Shepherd. Balor with another dropkick, but Cole superkicks Finn off the apron before he can do anything flippy to the outside. Cole hits a hangman’s neck breaker and starts punching Balor in the full mount. Cole with more stomps in the corner and a snapmare. Now he’s working a chinlock. Mauro says something about Balor being an avid video gamer, which apparently makes him a brilliant strategist or something. Then he tells the audience at home to Google Jordan Peterson, for some reason. Cole with more forearm shots and another neck breaker. Just a two-count. Cole knees Balor in the back and locks in the old “smell the top of my balls” leg lock around his foe’s shoulders. You know, Cole really does look like Micro Championship Wrestling version of Shawn Michaels, and I mostly mean that as a compliment. Balor goes for a Nightmare on Helms Street variation, but Cole kicks out. Balor with more chops in the corner, the Cole counters with a back cracker for a two-count. Cole hits an enzuigiri, but Balor counters with a sling blade. Then Cole super kicks Balor like a sonofabitch, only for Finn to kick out at two. They take turns countering suplexes, then we have a good-old-fashioned forearm off, then Finn hits a Pele kick and Cole falls on him and ALMOST gets the three-count. Cole kicks Balor in the shin and goes for the Panama Sunset, then there’s a whole bunch’ reversals and Cole hits that one fucking neck breaker to the knee maneuver for a two-count. Balor gets a double leg reaper and goomba stomp, then he “John Woo dropkicks” Cole into the corner. Cole kicks Balor off the top rope and goes for another Panama Sunset, only to get backdropped and dropkicked into the front row, legit wiping out a buncha’ black fans wearing a lot of purple in one of the greatest legit LOL moments of the year in the wacky world of pro ‘rasslin. So Balor goes for the double stomp off the top rope, Cole rolls out of the way, hits the Last Shot, but Finn, of course, kicks out at two. Cole peels off his knee pad and calls for another Last Shot, and Finn clotheslines the SHIT out of Cole before dropkicking him into the turnbuckle. Then Cole hits Finn in the balls while the ref’s back is turned, Mauro makes a joke about “The Nutcracker” and Cole hits the Last Shot for the out of nowhere pinfall. Then Johnny Gargano comes out and beats the shit out of Balor with a steel chair and we all chortle heavily when Finn collapses into the SAME front row fans from earlier — who, considering their physiques and horrible acting abilities, almost certainly have to be developmental plants, on second thought. 

My Score: *** 1/4

The Verdict: A solid TV bout, but that ending was so rushed that it came *yay* close to ruining the entire match. It’s obvious that the whole thing was meant to be a beta for their much longer championship bout to-be-contested-at-somepoint-in-the-future, so you can’t berate it too much. It was meant to be nothing more than a glorified sampler, and you know what? It did its job, and for that, I can’t fault it … too much.

>>>Dec. 25, 2019<<<

Toru Suguira vs. Violento Jack (FREEDOMS/Jun Kasai Produce Blood X'Mas 2019)

Because really, what says "the birth of Christ" quite like a "fluorescent light tubes and glass board and alpha death match?" And don't even ask me to explain what the "Alpha" part is supposed to mean in the equation. This is Japan, after all, where the answers only beget more confusion. Anyhoo, this thing is for the King of FREEDOM World Championship, which is probably my favorite name for any title belt ever. Really, the only way to describe Jack's ring attire is "Hayabusa, if Hayabusa was retarded," while Toru is this kinda' fat dude weaing lots of blue and silver with a big fat meatball head that bares an uncanny resemblance to Louie Anderson's. The run into each other like brain-damaged rhinos as soon as the bell sounds, so you just KNOW this one is going to be good. We're about 20 seconds into the match before our first series of light tubes explode, and we're less than a minute in before Jack fucking PLOWS Toru through a humongous bundle of light tubes in the corner. Now Jack is slamming Toru headfirst into the glass dust, because he's just THAT nasty. Toru's already bleeding heavily from his back. Jack bonks Toru over the head with another light tube, only for Toru to leg-trip Jack into said glass dust. Jack escapes by hitting Toru in the balls, then he breaks a light tube over his opponent's testicles. Jack punts a light tube into Toru's stomach and then he hits a BOSS springboard DDT for a two-count. Jack with a scoop slam and then he grabs a board with ... I have no idea WHAT the fuck is glued to it. Oh shit, it's jagged ass aluminum cans, so you KNOW that shit had to hurt legit. Then Jack hits a SENTON on Toru with the soda can board of death ON his back. Yeeouch. Toru misses on a springboard body splash, allowing him to basically SUPERMAN PUNCH the light tubes into Jack's face on a springboard coming off the ropes. Then Jack starts punching light tubes into Jack's stomach, but all this does is make him angrier. Toru grabs about six or seven tubes and buries Jack with then in the corner. LOL, he goes for a rolling senton in the corner and none of them break. Then Toru hits Jack with a brainbuster on the EDGE of the ring, which has probably been the most gruesome thing about the match thus far. Then, in a probable spot of the year contender, Toru sets Jack in a chair while he's holding a fuckton of tubes and he hits him with a BEAUTIFUL 360 splash on the outside, complete with fans scurrying like rats to run away from all of the phosphorus spray. Of course, nobody sells anything in this match, so Jack rebounds in like, three seconds, and they're already back in the ring and breaking shit over one another's heads again. Jack hits a light tube assisted swanton for a two-count then Toru dropkicks a giant sheet of glass into Jack's face, but it don't break. So he puts Jack and he pane in corner and throws his ass at it at about 20 miles per hour and it fucking explodes everywhere, with a shard of glass flying into the camera and getting embedded on the lens. Man, that was fantastic. Time for another light-tube off, which leads to Jack breaking out TWO bottles of Corona and cracking them over Toru's noggin. Both of these men look like guest stars in Faces of Death at this point. Jack hits Toru with a gutbuster to the knees, then he grabs a chair, plops Toru in it and puts a couple of light tubes in his lap — only for Toru to clobber Jack with the  tubes, which Jack no sells en route to landing ANOTHER cannonball to the outside. There's no way either of these two guys can ever get a life insurance policy now. Jack hits a frog splash with light tubes everywhere for a two-count. Jack hits a superplex, only for Toru to no sell it and hit him with a brainbuster. Man, these guys are drawing more people than NOAH and All-Japan combined these days. Toru gives himself a golden (thumbtack) shower and Jack drops him back first into the bric a brac. Then Toru hits a SWEET flipping Rock Bottom off the top rope, which leaves both men temporarily motionless. Now they're back to their feet, and that's our cue for a good-old fashioned forearm smash-off. Then Jack Rock Bottoms Toru into the light tubes and follows suit with a package piledriver for just a two. Toru hits a German suplex and clocks Jack with no less than six roaring elbow shots, but Jack STILL kicks out at two. Toru hits Jack with a scoop piledriver on the tubes for a two. Then he sticks a buncha' tubes in Jack's face, takes a running start from the ropes and fucking BRUTALIZES Jack with one more stiff elbow to officially bring this one to a close.

My Score: **** 1/4

The Verdict: That's gotta' be one of the better Japaheeno garbage bloodbaths I've seen in quite some time. Yes, you had all of the expected tomfoolery with the broken light tubes and the sawed-off Pabst Blue Ribbon cans of SHEER DEATH, but there was actually a little bit of psychology to accompany the garbage-fest ghoulishness. Like a really, really good slasher movie from the mid-80s, it ain’t exactly the apex of the medium, but holy hell, is it nonetheless entertaining and something you can float back to at pretty much anytime. Long story short, this is trash wrestling at its finest — or, it’s at least somewhere in the ballpark of it, I guess.

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"Let's Go Rock and Roll"

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"Remember your dreams are your only schemes so keep on pushing" - The Rev. Curtis Mayfield