Can't watch tonight's latest and greatest MMA spectacular, for whatever reason? No worries, homies, our LIVE round-by-round coverage will keep you in the loop ALL NIGHT LONG
By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo_American
The first UFC PPV spectacular of the year is nigh upon us, and it's certainly a big one, giving us Conor McGregor's first appearance in the Octagon since Khabib Nurmamegedov made him his bitch back at UFC 229. Of course, the UFC brass being the UFC brass, they actually gave him a fight he actually has a shot at winning this time around, as the world's most famous senior-citizen assaulting Mick is set to lock horns with Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone in tonight's main event. Oh, and for the record, Cerrone is coming off back-to-back TKO losses, so ... yeah, don't expect to see him last too long in this one either.
But hold on, that's not the only tomfoolery we've got on tap tonight. We've also got the long-awaited (well, not really) return of HOLLY HOLM to the UFC, as she's scheduled to lock asses and elbows with Raquel Pennington in a bout that will probably be really, really difficult to masturbate to. And speaking of jerk-offs, you know who else is on the PPV portion of the card tonight? That's right, none other than the flashiest flash in the pan ever, Anthony "Slowtime" Pettis, who'll be opening the evening's you-gotta-pay-for-it festivities by taking on Carlos Diego Ferreira, some Brazilian guy who has five wins in a row in the UFC dating back to 2016. And if that wasn't enough, oh yes, you better believe it, we have both ODE OSBOURNE and Maurice Greene showing up in the requisite sandwich meat fights, and if that doesn't propel this fucker to at least 2 million buys, I don't know what will.
As always, we here at The Internet Is In America is here to do you a kindness, as tonight, we'll be doing our patented LIVE(ish) round-by-round coverage of UFC 246: McGregor vs. Cowboy starting TONIGHT at 10 p.m. Eastern time. Hell, even if you ARE watching the MMA festivitieis legally, it wouldn't hurt to bookmark this page anyway and just scroll through my smarmy comments on Brian Kelleher, and I promise you, there will be many of them this evening.
So what are you waiting for? Go on ahead and tell all of your MMA-lovin' friends on the social media about our FREE service. Not only will your peer group appreciate you for your thoughtfulness and new media saavy, if you play your cards right, you might even get some oral out of it.
See you back here at 10 p.m., folks. And remember: hit that refresh button often, kids, 'cause the updates are gonna' be coming at 'ya fast and furious tonight ...
Holy shit, they actually used "Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi in the opening vignette for McGregor vs. Cerrone. What, they couldn't afford the rights to the opening theme from Young Guns?Anyhoo, we are coming to you LIVE from T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas. As always, our hosts are Jon Anik, Joe Rogan and ... Paul Felder? Well, that's certainly trending towards maximum entropy right there. Also, let's all LOL at Rogan only obliquely referencing all of Conor's criminal misadventures. You know, all the simple stuff, like throwing handtrucks at buses and raping people ... allegedly.
Anybody else think Megan Olivi looks A LOT like Demi Lovato? Just an observation I wanted to publicize. Also, this show already has the fourth largest gate in UFC history, so if you're wondering if McGregor is still a draw ... well, there's your answer.
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| Apparently, Cerrone plans on being somebody's huckleberry tonight. |
Lightweight Bout
Anthony Pettis (22-9-0-0) vs. Carlos Diego Ferreira (16-2-0-0)
LOL at Diego coming out to the theme from Footloose. Also, he looks like a cross between Wanderlei Silva and a midget rapist, which is about the most terrifying combination I can think of, honestly. Hey, did you know that he's a former Legacy FC champion, and that today just so happens to be his birthday? Because both are factually accurate statements. Meanwhile, Pettis comes out to the rapping music and those titty tattoos of his children that are legitimately terrifying.
Diego headhunting early. He looks for a single leg but Pettis defends it pretty well and lands a knee on the separation. Diego whiffs on a kick to the midsection but partially connects on a head kick. Pettis with a GREAT one-two combo. Pettis lightly pets Diego's tummy with the soles of his feet in one of the strangest things I've seen in an Octagon in, like, a couple of months, at least. Diego had Pettis' back, and Pettis goes down. Diego looking for a choke. Pettis spins out and gets back to his feet. Diego shoots for another single leg. Pettis defends against the cage and whiffs on a spinning high kick. Diego with a good combo and he gets Pettis' back again. He takes him down with a double leg. Digo working from side control. Pettis spins out and Diego gets some big elbow shots on the ground as the bell sounds.
Round two. Diego gets Pettis' back again. He has both hooks in. Diego passes into the full mount, now he has Pettis' back again. By the way, Ferreira's name in his native tongue sounds just like "fajita." And just like that, Diego locks in a rear naked choke, that sumbitch is in deep and PETTIS taps.
The official time of the stoppage is 1:46 of the second round. Diego does his post-fight interview with Joe with a noticeable limp. "I think I popped something," Diego says. That's his sixth straight win in the Octagon, by the way — you gotta' figure this kid can't be more than one win away from title contention at this point.
Among others, Christian McCaffery, Raiders' owner Al Davis and serial helmet swinger Myles Garrett is in the house. And hey, speaking of people choking, look who else is in the building tonight?
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| Although, at his age, I'm surprised he hasn't been signed to Bellator by now. |
Bantamweight Bout
Brian Kelleher (19-10-0-0) vs. Ode Osbourne (6-2-0-1)
OK, I missed the first two minutes of this fight, but when I got back to the screen we find Kelleher locking Ode in a guillotine choke. And yep, that nigga' just TAPPED.
The official time is 2:49 of the very first round. Well, at least one guy with an Irish surname won tonight, at least. "I knew once I got him to the ground, I was a lot stronger," he told Joe. Which to me, sounds like a rallying cry for white nationalism, but that's just my humble opinion. Also, we will forever LOL at Ode tapping out with HIS FOOT instead of his hand, because apparently, that's how they do it in Jamaica or where the hell ever he's from.
Hey, Hawkeye is in the house, and so is Bakey Mayfield, Kamaru Usman and Jorge Masvidal, who gets a HUGE reaction. Then again, Steve-O from Jackass was right behind him in the audience, so make of that reaction what you will.
Hey, are you excited for UFC Fight Night: Blaydes vs. Dos Santos on Jan. 25? Yeah, me neither. They show Conor walking through the arena in a purple jacket and the fans GO WILD. A subtle homage to The Joker, perhaps, or just further evidence the Irish don't know shit about fashion?
Heavyweight Bout
Aleksei Oleinik (57-13-1-0) vs. Maurice Greene (8-3-0-0)
For some reason, Greene is called "The Crochet Boss," and no, I can't explain it, either. Meanwhile Oleinik comes out to what sounds like some random Russian guy speaking quietly over mariachi music, which is, like, half of every piece of Russian music ever written, apparently.
The Russian is 11 years older then Greene, by the way. Greene drops Oleinik with a leg kick on the very first strike of the fight. Oleinik is back up and he has Greene's back. Now Greene is going for a kimura. Oleinik passes into side control. Yep, Greene is in some deep dookie right about now. Gotta' love Greene's ability to hold onto the mesh of the cage with his toes. The Russian goes for a neck crank, but he escapes. Then Greene momentarily locks in an arm triangle, only for Oleinik to hop right back into the full mount. Greene loses another triangle and both men are back to their feet again. Oleinik gets the takedown and he's smothering Greene on the canvas. Oleiniki is going for the Ezekiel Choke. He's got it, but Greene, to his credit, is fighting like a motherfucker to get out of it. Greene starts punching the shit out of Oleinik, and amazingly, Greene manages to survive the submission attempt as the bell sounds.
Round two. Wait, was that an Ezekiel Choke or a scarf choke? I get confused sometimes. Greene landing some HARD shots right out the gate and Oleinik looks fuckin' GASSED. Greene connects on a big headkick, then the Russian clinches him against the cage. "He's like Frankenstein," Rogan says. Greene with another high kick and Oleinik hangs onto a waistlock for dear life. Yep, he's got the takedown. Oleinik is in the full mount again. Oleinik is looking for the Ezekiel Choke again. "His arms are toast," Rogan says. Oleinik with same hammerfists on the ground and Greene tries to work a kimura from the bottom while Rogan and Felder debate whether or not you can drink Budweiser before a fight and not violate the unified rules. Looks like Greene lost the sub. Now Oleinik is looking for a straigt armbar. He's got it. Oleinik is bleeding from his forehead. Greene ESCAPES ... no, wait, Oleinik has it in again and this time GREENE TAPS!
The official time of the stoppage is 4:38 of round two. That is Oleinik's FORTY-SIXTH submission win of his career. Holy shit, Oleinik is STILL winded from all that. Get that man some beet vodka and cheese ASAP.
LOL at Tommy Chong getting the loudest ovation of ANYBODY so far tonight. Also, you have gotta dig that CLASSY operatic version of "In The End" by Linkin Park to promote the upcoming Jones/Reyes main event at UFC 247.
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| Well, in case you were wondering what Nick and Nate Diaz are going to look like 40 years from now... |
Women's Bantamweight Bout
Holly Holm (12-5-0-0) vs. Raquel Pennington (10-7-0-0)
This is a rematch of a bout from 2015, by the way. I don't really remember it, but then again, I don't remember most of the things that happened that year. Holm gets a surprisingly large pop from the crowd. Whew, she looks dehydrated as a motherfucker. Pennington with a superwoman punch that misses by a few zip codes. "Let's go Holly" chants piping up early. Holm with a quick blitz, but she lands precious little. Pennington clinches Holm against the cage. Neither fighter is doing much at the moment. Holm looking for an underhook. She peppers Pennington with some light head shots and Pennington fires back with a quick knee. Holm has double underhooks now. Pennington with another inside knee. Holm with some decent dirty boxing and good knee to the solar plexus. Pennington reverses the clinch and bullwhips Holm into the cage. Holm counters with a guillotine, but the bell sounds before she can lock it in all the way.
Round two. Holm's corner keeps talking about jerking off ponies or something, and even Rogan is perplexed by the coded language. Pennington looking for leg kicks early. Holm with another clinch against the cage. Pennington lands a knee to the tummy, then Holm fires back with a couple of patella shots of her own. Pennington reverses position, but Holm turns right around and reverses it back. A lot of inaction now. We have separation and the crowd cheers. LOL at Joe Rogan putting Guy Ritchie's filmography over for no discernible reason whatsoever. Pennington goes for the clinch again. Well, that's a pretty bad decision. A minute left in the round. Holm rattles off some body shots and Pennington LITERALLY knees Holm in the coochie and we all chortle. Pennington gets Holm's back and gets a few shots in as the bell sounds.
Round three. I've got Holm winning the first two rounds easy, so Pennington pretty much HAS to go for the KO or sub here. Holm with a front kick to begin, with Pennington trying to close the gap. Holm connects on a head kick, then Pennington tries to clinch against the cage again. Holm reverses and we have separation. Holm still head hunting. Two minutes to go and Pennington very briefly gets a takedown. Holm is back to her feet and it's time to clinch again. Now would be a good time to jerk that pony, Pennington, just saying. Holm with some quick punches up against the cage, but they're not doing that much damage. The ref says "fuck this shit" and makes him trade in the middle of the Octagon. Holm gets a good combo and yep, she smothers Pennington up against the mesh again. Thirty seconds to go. Pennington clinches and Holm just pushes her into the cage. Pennington gets a good left hand in before the bell, but that's hardly enough to win her the round, let alone the fight.
It's one 29-28 and two 30-27s to give Holm the U.D. victory. In the post-fight interview with Joe, Holm apologizes for the fight being so goddamn boring, but hey, she won, so who are we to judge? And fine, I'll come out and say it — this broad is so flat, I think her nipples may actually be located on her third vertebrae.
Jorge Masvidal tells Olivi that he wants to fight Conor so he can make a whole buncha' money. She asks him his thoughts on Usman and he says all things being "tomato, potato" he'd rather fight him because he dislikes him so much, but come on — he's all about that McGregor payday. Wow, Masvidal is LITERALLY a better version of Razor Ramon than Scott Hall was.
Now it's time for Olivi to interview Bautista, who apparently has an Illuminati tattoo on his chest now. He says he thinks Cerrone will submit Conor tonight. And that, of course, is our segue to one more pre-fight vignette/pissbreak reminder.
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| Senior citizens and hand trucks better hide — the man is back in town. |
Welterweight Bout
Conor McGregor (21-4-0-0) vs. Donale Cerrone (36-13-0-1)
Cowboy, of course, comes out to "Cowboy" by Kid Rock. He gets a pretty big pop from the crowd, a lot louder than I personally anticipated. Of course, it ain't shit compared to the MONSTER reaction Conor gets, which is pretty much the closest thing we have in the modern era to a contemporary Hulk Hogan.
Herb Dean is the ref, so that's an early heads up that somebody's going to have to be brain damaged before the fight's stopped.
Conor with shoulder strikes early. Cerrone is already bleeding from his nose. Cowboy with a head kick and Conor starches Cerrone with a huge head kick of his own. Cowboy is down and Conor is just UNLOADING on him. IT IS ALL OVER!
The stoppage comes just 40 seconds into the very first round. In the post fight, Conor says something about fighting for "orange people" and cuts a promo about how great his whiskey line is. Amazingly, McGregor doesn't utter a single obscenity during the entire thing, which really should've been a Vegas prop bet. Then Joe interviews Cerrone, whose eyeball is fucking WRECKED. Then Conor and Cowboy hug, and then Conor hugs Cowboy's grandmom and then Paul Felder tries not to act pissed about McGregor calling him a "little man at the desk," or something along those lines.
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| Yeah, Jamie Varner never hit Cerrone quite like that back in the WEC days. |
Well, we've got a shit ton to talk about in the fallout from tonight's PPV, but frankly, fam, I'm kinda' tired so I think I'm gonna' call it an early night (or, at least, an early night for a Saturday, anyway.) So get some shuteye and a decent breakfast, and I'll be back here waiting for you first thing in the morning with some more thorough analysis on the card ...
SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Well, pretty much any fight the UFC books with Conor McGregor is going to be guaranteed money no matter who the opponent is. Dana White said the bout to make is McGregor versus whoever wins the upcoming Khabib/Tony Ferguson fight, which probably wouldn't happen until at least late summer or early fall pending nobody involved in the trifecta gets injured or arrested for sexual battery and/or secretly training to be a jihadi. But really, there are a WEALTH of big money fights that could concern McGregor, including potential barn-burners against Jorge Masvidal, Justin Gaethje, Kamara Usman, Nick Diaz (again) — hell, even a fight against Paul fuckin' Felder would probably be a top ten UFC PPV in terms of buyrates, maybe even top five. Personally, I would LOVE to see McGregor vs. Masvidal as this year's Fourth of July show headliner, but really, we can't go wrong with any of the aforementioned match-ups above. Of course, knowing McGregor, he'll probably wanna' take another year lay-off so he can box Manny Pacquiao or Floyd Mayweather, Jr. again — shit, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to book something against the winner of Deontay Wilder/Tyson Fury II, just for the goddamn audacity of it all. As for Donald Cerrone, well, you have to figure he has to be riding off into the sunset much sooner than later at this point, so how about giving him a real tomato can like James Vick or Ben Saunders so he can attempt to feel better about himself? It seems like Holly Holm vs. Germaine de Randamie is the logical next fight to make, while Racquel Pennington could probably benefit from taking on somebody like Sara McMann or Lina Lansberg, who I'm pretty sure aren't Superman supporting cast members, even though their names definitely sound like it. And why the hell not give us Aleksei Oleinik vs. Jairzinho Rozenstruik for some random-ass ESPN show around April or May, because let's face it — they're going to give it to us whether we want i or not.
ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: "He's gotta' be the toughest crocheter to ever step foot on the face of the earth" — Joe on Maurice Greene's nickname/favorite hobby
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: McGregor vs. Cerrone was probably the greatest 40-second fight ever, but I personally thought the Oleinik/Greene bout was the most entertaining bout of the show — well, that, or the undercard headliner that saw Roxanne Modafferi upset Maycee Barber.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: The Holly Holm/Racquel Pennington co-main was clinch-tastic, and by that, I mean it sucked.
THE VERDICT? Well, there's no way in hell that'll be considered a card-of-the-year contender when it's all said and done, but for the most part, it was a wildly entertaining PPV with only one match on the main card that legitimately sucked. It certainly wasn't worth the $60 PPV price, but if you caught this shit for free — through however method — you probably had an absolute blast. All in all, this was an explosive card that REALLY gets the UFC on a hot start for 2020; hold on to your asses, folks, 'cause if this show is any indication, it is going to be a fuckin' BANNER year for MMA over the next 330 or something days.
FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW:
— In MMA, an ACL tear is a totally minor injury that doesn't even require a timeout.
— In Jamaica, it's customary to tap out with your feet instead of an open palm.
— Trying to squeeze a giant black dude's head off with your bare hands is really, really tiring.
— In the greater pop culture sphere of influence, Tommy Chong is still more popular than Tom Brady.
— If you try hard enough, you can kill a motherfucker with your shoulder blades.
Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "I Am A Man of Stone" by The Toadies and "I Hate It Too" by Hum and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.
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