Ten Celebrities I’m Pretty Sure Are Real-Life Succubi

A round-up of familiar female faces who might actually be demonic, sperm-stealing hell brides — possibly

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@Jimbo_American

According to medieval folkore, succubi where these horrific hell-hags who would take the shape of beautiful women and sleep-fuck young men to death — or, at the very least, hump ‘em so good that it sapped them of their sperm, effectively making them infertile. Really, the mythos seems to have come about to explain wet dreams, which I’m guessin’ must of really confused the hell out of people who thought the earth revolved around the sun and keeping crushed-up flowers in your pockets was LITERALLY enough to ward off the Bubonic Plague.

So yeah, people back then were really, really fuckin’ stupid. Still, the intrinsic appeal of the succubus legend lives on, and for pretty obvious reasons. I mean, who WOULDN’T want to get astral-plane blow-jobbed by some hot chick with goat horns protruding out of her skull, anyway? As such, succubi have been a pretty common motif throughout 20th century pop culture, giving us such iconic character as Morrigan from the Darkstalkers games, Megan Fox’s character in Jennifer’s Body and, uh, that one broad from that one episode of Poltergeist: The Legacy, maybe?

But we here at TIIIA ain’t here today to talk about fictitious soul-sucking sluts (hey, if anybody wanted to do that, they could log onto XHamster anytime they wanted to, right?) Rather, we’re gonna’ turn our attention to ten real-life females who — and this is just mere, half-assed conjecture on my part — could potentially by demonic sex-beasts using the mass entertainment medium to attract prey for their nefarious doings. 

Or, at the very least, it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that ANY of these gals below are, indeed, legitimate soul-slurping-succubui-sex-sorcercesses-from Satan ...

Two trends I really miss from the late 1990s: dark brown lipstick and women who didn't have fat asses.

Melinda Clarke

You know, it’s weird so how many of these suspected succubi all ended up getting jobs as straight-to-video starlets in the late 1980s and early 1990s, almost like there was some sort of grand conspiracy to take over the world via shitty genre movies at Blockbuster or something. While she got her start on Days Of Our Lives, I reckon most folks didn’t take note of her until her “star-making” appearance in Return of the Living Dead 3, where she played quite possibly the most fuckable corpse of all-time, regardless of the shards of glass and screws and nails and shit stickin’ out of here areolas. By now, you should probably have realized that we here at TIIIA think just about every dark-haired female with blue eyes is a sexual hellspawn sent to Earth to deprive as many men as possible of their baby-making juices. But really, just take one look at her as the assassainess in Spawn and just try and tell me she doesn’t look like if you did her, she might try to suck your eyeballs out of your sockets just for the LULZ. I mean, this is an actress who voluntarily took the lead role in a movie called Killer Tongue — something I think we all agree is only something life-stealing sex demons are prone to do.

Go ahead, try and tell me the "metal headdress and pink and grey eyeshadow" look doesn't need to come back in vogue.

Sybil Danning

For those of you wondering, today B-movie legend Sybil Danning is damn near 70. And despite being legally old to qualify for Social Security benefits, you know what? You’d STILL hit this, and don’t try to lie to my and say you wouldn’t, you fuckin’ lie-teller. If you watched shitty movies or shitty television back in the 1980s, you probably encountered Danning at least once in your happenings, whether it was her star-turning role as Stirba in The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf or that 1986 women-in-cages classic, Reform School Girls. Of course, for our purposes, the most salient of Sybil’s roles was her one-and-done appearance as Pamela Dare in that long-forgotten syndicated Superboy series from the late 1980s, where she played — what else? — a platinum-haired succubus with a penchant for sucking the youth juices out of multitudinous male victims. Now, I’m not saying Mrs. Danning was essentially playing herself in that program, but you know what? Like that one episode of Walker, Texas Ranger where Hulk Hogan played a white supremacist, something tells me such a role wouldn’t exactly be a stretch for the fan favorite Austrian actress ...

So she pretty much HAS to play Amanda Knox in the biopic, right?

Alexandria Daddario

The intent of the succubi iconography, I suppose, is to exude equal amounts of intrinsic creepiness and intrinsic exotic beauty. Like, you look at something and your mind automatically detects it as scary, but at the same time your penis is all like “Nah, that’s OK, we’d smash that anyway.” Long story short, Alexandria Daddario is the living, physical embodiment of the principle. I mean, shit, just look at the VERY first image Google pulls up of her. With her almost phantasmagoric, cerulean blue eyes and gigantic chompers, Alexandra just looks like she’s haunted by some unholy hell beast that feasts on the souls of virginal males. Yes, she’s undeniably a beautiful woman, but at the same time, there’s just something about her that’s so patently unnerving, so obviously unhuman. But as intrinsically terrifying as her visage is, you know you’d STILL gladly accept her tongue in your mouth without a moment’s hesitation, even if it was nothing more than a pretense for her to puke acid down your throat and suck out all your fat cells like that one chubby-chasing alien on that one episode of The X-Files. Yeah — talk about your “confused boners,” right fuckin’ here.

Oh, the wonderful and confusing sensations this movie gave me as a first-grader whenver Evil-Lyn was onscreen.

Meg Foster

Just one look at this B-movie queen and you KNOW something supernatural is afoot. Probably her most noteworthy role was playing the romantic female lead in They Live, where even as a wee young lad, I knew there was something utterly atypical about her phizog. That towering auburn Dynasty do. Those piercing, impossibly azure pupils. That blood red lipstick swirled around her mouth, like some kind of tribalistic warning to avoid her oral cavities at all costs. It got even worse when I saw her portray Evil-Lyn in that god-awful Masters of the Universe movie, although watching her prance about onscreen wearing that pseudo-metal corset thing certainly made me think perplexing thoughts for someone within my age demographic. Yet even in her decidedly non-horror roles, like in The Scarlet Letter adaptation from the late 1970s, something just feels off about her disposition — an obvious disturbance in her chakra, so to speak. Of course, at the ripe old age of 170, apparently, Foster don’t quite have the same head-turning, eye-catching features she once did, no doubt attributable to going on a soul-eating diet since 2008 or so. Still, as aged and decrepit as she may be these days, there’s just something about her stare that just draws you in, almost mesmerizing you into her lethal embrace. Yes, she’s wrinkled and crepey as a motherfucker, but I’d STILL do roger her wicked — which, really, is about as much indication of her Satanic origins as I can dare aver. 

Some people like to describe Carley Rae Jepsen as poor woman's Taylor Swift. I mean, they aren't wrong, but still ...

Carley Rae Jepsen

As that old saying goes, the eyes have it, and when it comes to detecting surreptitious succubi, the pupils definitely speak volumes. When flash-in-the-pan Canadian pop princess Carley Rae Jepsen took over the world  in-between The Dark Knight Rises mass shooting and Obama’s reelection back in 2012, a lot of people like to think it was solely because of the catchiness of her all-time bubblegum torch song classic “Call Me Maybe.” And while the song is certainly about as infectious as airborne HIV, that’s not the only reason why Jepsen, for a short period of months, ruled the airwaves. Go back and watch the official music video for her iconic ‘12 hit, and try and tell me Ms. Jepsen isn’t displaying ALL of the visual indicators of being a coom-cravin’ sex demon. Light blue eyes that are so pale, they almost seem to burn pin-sized holes into your very soul? Those ultra-dark bangs cascading over her forehead, potentially as a means of concealing her goat-like devil horns? A mouth curled up into a permanent smile, complete with a suspiciously pronounced, pearly white overbite that looks plum perfect for tearing into the soft jugular tissue of underage prey, post-coitus? Check, check and check some more. Believe it or not, seven years down the line, her music and corresponding music videos have only gotten more sex demon-ish; despite trading in her trademark brown bangs for a plantinum blonde Megyn Kelly ‘do, in last year’s “Want You In My Room” Jepsen STILL looks every bit the soul-sucking she-devil as she did back in the year of Men in Black-inspired Dunkin’ Donuts and Trayvon Martin.

Yeah, looks like we found our Poison Ivy for the Birds of Prey sequel.

Sandra Lee

There’s just something so lifeless and plastic about this Food Channel staple. Like, when she smiles, it’s not displaying anything even remotely resembling warmth, mirth or human emotion. And the longer you stare into her cerulean eyes, the more you feel this weird, ungodly coldness in the pit of your stomach, like a demonic arctic gale blazing through your innards. Furthermore, there’s something so unnatural about her movements, especially when she’s making Kwanzaa cakes — it’s almost like she has some sort of spindly, insectoid, demonic skeleton underneath her paper-like skin, and any sudden, herky-jerky movement would reveal her to be an inhuman monster. Furthermore, I can’t help but notice that her humongous coif is quite reminiscent of the large-breasted 1990s comic book character Lady Death, who I think was supposed to be a succubus or something, but I don’t feel like doing the Google detective work right now. Throw in her penchant for putting vodka in everything and her rather odd, Witch-like proclivity for kissing the young-uns right on the lips — almost as if she was trying to drain their life force from their face holes — and pretty much all the tell-tale indicators of demonoid phenomenon are present. 

Music videos, terrible straight to DVD genre movies, Kindle ads ... she's basically cornered the market on EVERYTHING.

Amy Paffrath

I’ve had the hots for Amy P. ever since she starred in the music video for Paramore’s “Misery Business,” in which she literally played a devil with a blue dress on who did all sorts of nefarious, socially unacceptable things, like cut people’s ponytails off, slam dudes with broken arms into lockers and technically commit sexual battery by French kissing a random dude and then rubbing the post-makeout spittle on the face of his other of significance (which, by the way, is something I would LOVE to happen to me in real life, because I’m all weird and kinky like that.) But it wasn’t until she started showing up in all of those Amazon Kindle spots that I started to wonder if she was a winged hellbeast whose M.O. is sexing random dudes to death to repopulate Satan’s armies or something. Those sullen cheekbones. That icy azure stare. That phosphorus white smile, that seems to imply less “I am happy at the moment” and more “I’ll use this incisors to chew your dick off, if I have to.” Even watching her do ALS public service announcements, one can’t help but get this weird, emotionless, reptilian vibe from her — I mean, why else would anybody CHOOSE to star in not just one Evil Bong movie, but five and counting if they didn’t have some sort of hidden (if not sexually demonic) motive?

Well, if you didn't have a forehead fetish before, you certainly do now.

Monika Schnarre 

Tall? Check? An ectomorphic body frame? Put on “X” on it. A piercing gaze that seems to simultaneously warn you of sinister motives and hypnotically pull you into her clutches? You betcha’. Longtime syndicated TV queen Monika Schnarre has been time-tested fap fodder for close to three decades now, and her ubiquity on the small screen, weekend afternoon circuit probably isn’t just a coincidence. The weird thing is, no matter what role she was playing on long-forgotten B-shows like Total Recall 2070, First Wave, Codename: Eternity or Mutant X, she always seemed to play a permutation of the exact SAME sexpot/seductress/evil alien invader femme fatale character, probably the most iconic being her portrayal of The Sorceress on that one Beastmaster TV show you probably jerked it to a million times back in 2002. So yeah, considering her Hollywood track record with stuff like Andromeda and Waxworks II, I think it’s safe to say Mrs. Schnarre is most likely some kind of unholy sex monster. Well, that, or she REALLY could’ve used a better agent back in the day.

I think this part of the movie is supposed to creep us out. Try telling that to my boner, though.

Musseta Vander

Now here’s a name I’m sure you’re probably not familiar with, but as soon as you see Musseta’s face, you’ll be all like “Oh yeah, that’s what’s-her-name from Project Shadowchaser III/Oblivion 2: Backlash/that one video for Alice Cooper’s ‘Bed of Nails.’” The cerulean-eyed South African has had a pretty lengthy career in bad movies and television, perhaps being most recognizable for playing the very succubus-esque in appearance Sindel in the hilariously awful second Mortal Kombat flick. Although, as soon as I catch her visage, I’m immediately reminded of her one and done appearance on Buffy, where she played that big-eyed praying mantis monster that assumed the form of a hot Spanish teacher so she could seduce jocks and mummify their brains in her basement or something. Oh, and you’ve probably jerked to her during her brief appearances as a sultry skank in such mainstream fare as Wild, Wild West, O Brother, Where Art Thou? and, of course, that Sci-Fi Channel original classic, Mansquito, which featured her being chased all movie long by an insectoid creature the size of Lawrence Taylor who REALLY wanted to jump her bones. But, I mean, can you really blame him, though?

Crepey neck or not, what I wouldn't give to rub some Gold Bond Medicated all over her shoulders!

Raquel Welch

You may not believe it, but today, Raquel Welch is almost 80. And she remains, quite possibly, the only VOILF (with the “VO” part of the equation standing for “virtual octogenarian”) on the planet. I mean, there’s NO reason, biologically, for a 78-year-old woman to look THIS smashable without there being some sort of out-there supernatural explanation for it all. I mean, people have been beating their meat to Mrs. Welch since the mid-1960s, and she’s goaded many a misguided young man into spilling his seed in her numerous appearances in suh ‘batin’ bait as the original Bedazzled, Myra Breckinridge, and, uh, Central Park West, maybe? Of course, for my sake, she’ll always be remembered best for her appearance in that one episode of Lois and Clark, where she played a super-milfy evil TV reporter that seduced Supes into swapping spit with her while she was rocking Kryptonite-flavored lip gloss. You know what? The wafting scent of denture cream and the fact she might literally die on me in the process aside, I’d still make out with her today — of course, all the while hoping she doesn’t piss and shit uncontrollably, which is what I hear really, REALLY old people are prone to do sometimes.