Wednesday, February 12, 2020

2020 XFL Power Rankings (Week One)

A weekly wrap-up of the gridiron greatness given to us by one Vincent Kennedy McMahon!


By: Jimbo X

This Week’s Episode:
“Puking, cursing and funky kickoffs — this is the XFL!”

Anytime someone tries to tell you we AREN’T living in the best of all possible timelines, just remind them of this little tidbit: in one lifetime, we’re on the verge of seeing Vince McMahon fail at a springtime NFL competitor TWICE. Of course, only time will tell how the newfangled XFL does (which, this time around, is an “empty signifier” that doesn’t actually stand for anything,) but look at this way: I mean, it certainly CAN’T be a bigger fuckup than the AAF or, god help us, the UFL, can it?

So as long as the XFL remains solvent, we here at The Internet Is In America is dedicated to giving you, the adoring, pigskin-loving public, the BEST damned weekly power rankings updates you’ll find anywhere. Because let’s face it — in modern America, we need more Matt McGloin and Connor Cook in our lives than it any other point in our nation’s fractious history.

#001
New York Guardians (1-0)
Season Point Differential: +020

There’s no denying the Guardians had the most impressive performance in the inaugural week of the relaunched XFL product. Former Raider Matt McGloin finished the opening week outing against the Vipers going 15 for 29 for 182 passing yards and one aerial TD, complemented by one rushing score (he wrapped up the day with two yards on three running attempts, by the way.) Defensively, NY held Tampa Bay to just one field goal, with Jamar Summers recovering a loose ball on D for the Guardians for an easy six points in the opening minutes of the fourth.

#002
Houston Roughnecks (1-0)
Season Point Differential: +020

Hands-down P.J. Walker had the most impressive performance of ANY player in week one in the relaunched XFL. The former Temple quarterback ruled the air in the weekend’s 37-17 dashing of the Wildcats, ultimately going 23 for 39 for 272 yards and FOUR touchdown passes, all of which landed in the loving arms of a different receiver. Pending he keeps those kinda’ production numbers up throughout the season, something tells me this guy will be playing for a real NFL team come this autumn. 

#003
DC Defenders (1-0)
Season Point Differential: +012

Cardale Jones had a solid showing in the Defenders’ 31-19 victory in front of a Beltway crowd that most definitely isn’t used to seeing a winning pro football team over the last two and a half decades. The Ohio State product went 16 for 25 or 235 passing yards in the win, ultimately lobbing two touchdown passes and calling it a contest with a QBR of 116.7. Oddly enough, though, D.C.’s best receiver didn’t haul in a single TD pass, as Steelers castoff Eli Rodgers went fix for six on grabs for 73 yards.

#004
St. Louis BattleHawks (1-0)
Season Point Differential: +006

Former Ole Miss QB Jordan Ta’amu looked decent but not great in St. Louis’ narrow 15-9 win over the Renegades this past weekend. Despite going 20 for 27 and notching up 209 yards in the air, he only mustered one TD pass and got sacked twice for a cumulative loss of 26 yards on the day. Still, former Redskins’ back Matt Jones looked steady enough running the rock, finishing the outing with 85 yards on 21 carries. 

#005
Dallas Renegades (0-1)
Season Point Differential: -006

With former Steeler Landry Jones sidelined for the season-opener, the Renegades has to rely on literal who Philip Nelson to lead the team to victory over the BattleHawks (whose logo, I might add, is LITERALLY stolen from The Last StarFighter.) Alas, Nelson underwhelmed, for the most part, going 33 for 42 passing for 209 yards, no TD passes and one interception. In fact, the only person who got ANY points on the board for Dallas this past weekend was kicker Austin MacGinnis, who booted three successful field goals for the Renegades in a losing effort, including a 42-yarder in the way late stages of the second quarter.

#006
Seattle Dragons (0-1)
Season Point Differential: -012

Over three quarters of play, Bradon Silvers went 21 for 40 for 217 yards for the Seattle Dragons, ultimately amassing three TD passes and two interceptions before he got hurt in the fourth and B.J. Daniels had to step in to play target practice detail for the Defenders’ defense. The biggest bright spot for Seattle in the 31-19 loss was probably the play from receiver Austin Proehl, who wrapped up the game with 88 yards and two scores on just five catches. 

#007
Los Angeles Wildcats (0-1)
Season Point Differential: -020

Princeton product Charles Kanoff underwhelmed in his XFL debut, ultimately going 21 or 30 for 214 passing yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio (although he mildly makes up for those unexciting numbers by virtue of having one scrambling score on the day, too.) Oddly enough, the Wildcats actually had a 17-12 lead heading into halftime — only for their defense to shit the bed tremendously and allow Houston to rack up three touchdowns and 19 total unanswered points in the second half of play. 

#008
Tampa Bay Vipers (0-1)
Season Point Differential: -020

Yes, believe it or not, even after sucking it up royally in the AAF for the Atlanta Legends, they’re actually letting UGA wash-up Aaron Murray try his hand at low-tier professional football once more, and with the results we all expected. In the weekend’s horrific 23-3 loss to the Guardians, Murray wrapped up the game 16 for 34 for 231 tasing yards, no touchdowns, two interceptions and a final QBR of 45.1. Oh well, at least the Vipers’ rushing attack looked halfway decent, with De’Veon Smith collecting 79 score-less yards on 16 attempts. 

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