Tuesday, February 25, 2020

2020 XFL Power Rankings (Week Three)

A weekly wrap-up of the gridiron greatness given to us by one Vincent Kennedy McMahon!

By: Jimbo X

This Week’s Episode:
“Oh yeah, this is still a thing, I guess”

Anytime someone tries to tell you we AREN’T living in the best of all possible timelines, just remind them of this little tidbit: in one lifetime, we’re on the verge of seeing Vince McMahon fail at a springtime NFL competitor TWICE. Of course, only time will tell how the newfangled XFL does (which, this time around, is an “empty signifier” that doesn’t actually stand for anything,) but look at this way: I mean, it certainly CAN’T be a bigger fuckup than the AAF or, god help us, the UFL, can it?

So as long as the XFL remains solvent, we here at The Internet Is In America is dedicated to giving you, the adoring, pigskin-loving public, the BEST damned weekly power rankings updates you’ll find anywhere. Because let’s face it — in modern America, we need more Matt McGloin and Connor Cook in our lives than it any other point in our nation’s fractious history.

Houston Roughnecks (3-0)
Season Point Differential: +031

The Roughnecks remain the only undefeated team in the new-look XFL, surviving a scare from the still-winless Vipers on Saturday to prevail 34-27. P.J. Walker had another big showing, going 24 for 36 for 306 yards and three TD passes, all of which landed in the arms of former VT receiver Cam Phillips, who ultimately called it a day with 194 yards on just eight catches. Even if there is a second XFL 2.0 season, something tells me these two will probably get a call-up to the NFL over the off-season — enjoy ‘em while you still can, Houston. 

St. Louis BattleHawks (2-1)
Season Point Differential: +022

St. Louis bested New York by 20 points Sunday, in a game that saw safety Joe Powell return that sumbitch 84 yards to the house on some special teams trickery in the opening frame of the second quarter. Beyond that, though, I suppose there was nothing too exciting about the BattleHawks’ resounding win — indeed, quarterback Jordan Ta’amu had no touchdowns or interceptions in the 29-9 win, ultimately collecting 119 yards on 12 completions, although top rusher Matt Jones (a former Florida Gator, if you were wondering) looked pretty goddamn boss running the rock, calling it a day with 95 yards and one score on 15 carries.

Dallas Renegades (2-1)
Season Point Differential: +013

Landry Jones went 30 for 31 for 274 yards, three TD passes and two interceptions in Dallas’ 24-12 win over the Dragons Saturday. That includes two touchdown throws to top receiver Donald Parham, the Stetson standout who wrapped up the winning affair with 101 yards on just five catches. Meanwhile, top Renegades rusher Lance Dunbar called it a day with 23 yards on eight rushing attempts, ultimately collecting 56 yards on nine receptions. 

DC Defenders (2-1)
Season Point Differential: +009

The Defenders totally shit the bed Sunday against the Wildcats, as L.A. ran wild on ‘em 39-9 in an absolute drubbing. Cardale Jones looked downright retarded on the gridiron, managing just 13 completions for 103 yards, no touchdown passes and an awe-inspiring four interceptions. Amazingly, DC managed to lose the game by 30 points despite outgaining the Wildcats on the ground 200 yards to 56; aye, I suppose that’s what happens when your team gives up five turnovers and your starting QB plays like he’s a remedial ed student.

Los Angeles Wildcats (1-2)
Season Point Differential: +003

In what has to be the greatest upset in XFL history to date, the formerly winless Wildcats not only defeated the formerly undefeated Defenders, they absolutely sodomized D.C. by a 30 point margin of victory. In the shocking 39-9 win, L.A. QB Josh Johnson went 18 for 25 passing, chalking up 278 aerial yards and three passing scores on the day. Former William and Mary starter Tre McBride led the team in receptions, hauling in two TD passes and 109 yards on just five catches, while running back Martez Carter — a Grambling State alum, assuming he actually has a diploma from said university —finished the game with 34 rushing yards and two scores on 11 carries — in addition to 41 more yards, and one more score, playing receiver. 
Seattle Dragons (1-2)
Season Point Differential: -017

Brandon Silvers had a just sorta’ OK day against Dallas Saturday, going 21 for 34 for 204 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception in the Dragons’ 24-12 loss to the Renegades. Leading the team in receiving yards was former Tar Heel and white person Austin Proehl, who wrapped up the contest with 81 yards, and one score, on a mere six catches.

New York Guardians (1-2)
Season Point Differential: -027

The Guardians fell 29-9 to St. Louis over the weekend, in a game that saw New York fail miserably with no less than three different quarterbacks. Doing the “best,” I suppose, was Luis Perez, who went four for five for 29 yards and one TD pass — although, really, I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether Marquise Williams’ 7-for-15, 94-yard performance was intrinsically worse than Matt McGloin’s 8-for11, 84-yard and one interception performance here.

Tampa Bay Vipers (0-3)
Season Point Differential: -035

The Vipers gave the League-best Roughnecks their toughest fight of the season thus far, but Tampa Bay still feel short en route to the 34-27 loss — which, of course, makes them the only team in the XFL Redux sans a positive number on the left-hand side of the win column. Overall, quarterback Taylor Cornelius looked pretty good despite the loss, going 16 for 31 for 193 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split. Oh, and also had a scrambling score, concluding the outing with 33 yards on the ground on six rushing attempts. So, uh, how long until these guys are relocated — or getting relegated down to the Arena-League level?


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