Wednesday, February 26, 2020

I Tried McDonald’s New Oreo Shamrock McFlurry!

Because who doesn’t want to try out a milkshake that literally tastes like kissing a habitual menthol cigarette smoker wearing wintergreen chapstick?

By: Jimbo X

To truly give you people a worthwhile review of McDonald’s newfangled Oreo Shamrock McFlurry, I suppose I have to tell you the story about my all-too-brief courtship of Chassity Beaumount Ray back in the year 2009.

You see, Chassity was this friend-of-a-friend who I met one afternoon after Spanish class. Now, Chassity is the kind of girl who LOOKS exactly the way her name sounds. About 5’4, 140 pounds, alright-but-no-great boobs, a relatively fat ass for a white girl. Brown eyes, brown hair down to her shoulders, freckles — some, but not a whole lot. I’m not quite sure how old she was — maybe 19, maybe 20, I have a hard time remembering. But since she was a friend of Machelle DuMont (my on-again, off-again friend-with-ample-benefits) I simply assumed two or three things about here.

Number one, she was probably a ho, and I mean that in a non-condmenatory manner. I figured if you were friends with a Pisces sexual libertine like Machelle DuMont (who told me she had already had full-blown lesbian intercourse by the eighth grade, and I definitely believe her), you had to have mores and values that leaned WAY to the left of the dial here. Secondly, I just assumed she did as much drugs as Machelle did, who I assure you, did a lot of them. Again, to even hang with somebody like Machelle you had to move at the same biochemical tempo, so I just assumed that Chassity was likewise the kinda’ gal that smoked marijuana daily and somehow managed to get her hands on an entire bottle of Seroquel XL for recreational purposes.

Which, naturally, led me to the third, final and most important assumption about Ms. Beaumount Ray — that she HAD to have been a stark-raving lunatic. Machelle was literally diagnosed with BPD and lite schizophrenia, so I assume anyone who voluntarily befriended her for non-sexual purposes HAD to have similar or greater mental illnesses, just out of necessity. To say Machelle was a headcase would be an understatement — one night, she LITERALLY threatened to kill me with a butcher knife, cried for 20 minutes and gave me a blow job before (unsuccesfully) trying to goad me into have unprotected sex with her. This, within the span of just one hour.

Say what you will about the product itself, that graphics on the cup is goddamn superb.

But after getting to know Chassity, I was shocked — if not flatout disappointed — to learn just how comparatively normal she was. She grew up in a modest two-story home in the nice but-not-that-nice part of town. She went to church three times a week and outside of an apparent addiction to menthol Camel Crush cigarettes, I don’t think she did any illicit substances. And while she admitted to blowing several dudes, she insisted she was still a virgin and saving that sweet uncorked cooch for marriage. Well, it didn’t take long for me to fall madly in lust with Chassity, primarily, for two reasons. 

Number one, her eyebrows. This is gonna’ sound weird as fuck, but I really, really liked the shape and thickness of them. She always reminded me of Mariel Hemingway in Personal Best, which is a movie I palmed my penis to multiple times in high school whenever it came on our illegal HBO feed — it was just an aesthetic quirk that so few people I knew possessed, and that give her a delectable exotic quality. The other thing that piqued my sexual curiosity about Chassity was her fingernails. Now, you have to remember, this was at the apex of the Great Recession, long before E-THOTs and Billie Eilish was a thing. She had these really long, super-white nails that almost had a quasi-claw shape to them, and I long fantasized about her scraping my genitals with them like a bushy-eyebrowed female Freddy Krueger, and my goodness, did it get me ever so hawt.

Now, over the summer of 2009 I only talked to Chassity a handful of times. Now, I never told Machelle I thought she was prettier, even though she was, because if nothing else, with Machelle I always had guaranteed poon on my hands. Chassity, on the other hand, seemed a little prudish, and that just made me want to do things to her with my wang-doodle even more. 

So one early August night I was over at Machelle’s place and a couple of her friends came over, among them Chassity. We had a couple of plastic cups of vodka and Dr. Pepper, and while *I* didn’t partake of the amusement, pills of an indeterminate source, nature and potency got into the mix. Well, about two hours in Machelle had literally passed out, which left me and Chassity pretty much by ourselves to shoot the hypothetical shit. 

It's like eating Moss-Man from Masters of the Universe, and that's MORE than alright in my book.

We talked for maybe a half hour and she said she was transferring colleges and was going to be halfway across the state in two weeks’ time. Now, I may or may not have been under the influence of Dirty Sprite at the time (just saying, I *was* living in the exurbs of Atlanta, though) and being tactless as a motherfucker, I just blurted out “Is it OK if I kiss you?”

She just looked at me for a few seconds, and I still recall feeling like a mental retard. That is, until she suddenly lilted “Oh, OK,” leaned over and unexpectedly pushed her tongue in my mouth like in that one scene in Meet the Coopers. We swapped spit for about half a minute, broke off the extra spitty kiss and went back to talking about non-transferable credit hours, and that was *literally* the last time I ever saw her.

So you might be wondering what this long-ass anecdote has to do with this newfangled McDonald’s product. Well, here’s the hook — because tasting this limited time only Oreo Shamrock McFlurry is just like open mouth kissing Chassity Beaumount Ray.

Indeed, as soon as I put that first spoonful in my mouth, I was immediately whisked away to 11 years prior. Just like that, I could taste the commingling wintergreen carcinogen residue and peppermint chapstick swirling around my taste buds all over again, and to say it made me wistful would be, without hyperbole, the single greatest understatement in human history.

OK, so the totalistic experience isn’t 100 percent identical to French kissing Chassity Beaumount Ray for approximately 34 seconds during Barack Obama’s first year in office — for one, I don’t recall her having crunched up bits of sandwich cookie dust embedded in her maw — but the point stands, regardless.

As the name implies, this 560-calorie McOffering consists of three primary ingredients — the tried-and-true McSoft Serve Vanilla Ice Cream, frapped Oreo cookies and, the big variable here, the fast food Leviathan’s patented Shamrock Shake syrup, which, to the uninitiated, has a very pronounced mint flavor to it. 

At $2.99 or so in my neck of the woods, I suppose it’s reasonably priced for everything it is and everything it ain’t. Ironically enough, I’ve never really been a big fan of the artificial spearmint tincture, so for me, the appeal of the product is two-fold — its aesthetics and its ephemerality.

The Oreo Shamrock McFlurry is undoubtedly a cool-looking limited-time-only product. The bright green syrup gives it a surreal, almost Hook-like quality, as if I was eating something Robin Williams dreamed up while dining with the Lost Boys of Never Never Land. And the texture stays pretty smooth and consistent, despite all of the divergent ingredients included in the mix. Even if you don’t particularly care for the overall flavor like I did, you can at least get a kick out of slurping down something that looks like a liquified Swamp Thing, can’t you?

Ultimately, this is what awaits all of us ... absolute emptiness. And also, Oreos.

Unsurprisingly, it tastes a lot like the standard Shamrock Shake — here are my thoughts on the original, all of you Johnny-Come-Latelies — and by now, you should already know how you feel about that yourself. Personally, I think the mix would’ve been even better with some M&Ms in there instead of the Oreos, but at the same time, I can kinda’ understand why they went the way that they did with the LTO. The whole thing just looks floral and Irish and has this refined, dignified dirt cup vibe to it, and I reckon it’s going to be the kind of here-today, gone-later-that-same-day product that’s popular enough — but not that popular — to be remembered as a cult favorite one-and-done a couple of years down the line. I mean, it probably won’t be as retroactively coveted as the Arch Deluxe or anything like that, but I’m sure it’ll make at least five or seven people nostalgic come 2037, for sure. 

I say go on ahead and try this fucker at least once. You may like it, you may not like it, but odds are, you probably won’t hate it, because really, who could genuinely hate what is tantamount to a Girl Scouts Thin Mints smoothie? Besides, if enough consumers show interest in this thing, it might get us one step closer to the Pumpkin Oreo McFlurry getting launched stateside, or — if we truly are worthy as a collective peoples — even a national rollout of the triple-brat Das Nurnburger import from McGermany

And let’s face facts here — when’s the next time you think Arby’s is gonna’ release a Jamocha shake variation that tastes just like making out with a huge-foreheaded, chain-smoking accounting major wearing candy cane-flavored Lip Smackers, anyway?


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