Showing posts with label 2015. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2015. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Jimbo Goes to the Movies: ‘Room’ (2015) Movie Review

As good as you’ve heard, or just another overrated indie? 


By: Jimbo X
@Jimbo__X

Every now and then, you encounter a movie that gets absolutely everything right in its first half, only to crash and burn in the last 45 minutes. 

Add 2015’s Room to the list of flicks that start off spectacular, only to derail at the midway point. 

The first 50 minutes or so of Room – a rare Canadian/Ireland co-production directed by a dude whose last movie was about the misadventures of a crappy indie rock band whose lead singer has a papier-mache head – aren’t just good, they are downright superb. If the film had kept up that tense, claustrophobic atmosphere for a full hour and a half, it would undeniably be one of last year’s best movies. Alas, as soon as that harrowing suspense and dreadful isolation dissipates, the movie loses all semblance of direction, with its protagonists just kind of stumbling around for about an hour while the supporting cast cautiously floats around them like personality-less horse flies.  

The premise is simple. Brie Larson – yes, Envy Adams from Scott Pilgrim – plays a 24-year-old woman who has been locked inside a tool shed for seven years. She is stuck in the building, day and night, with her five-year-old son, who is the product of savage rapings at the hands of their captor. Brie, however, goes out of her way to convince her son that everything is A-OK. She lets him watch Dora the Explorer and she reads him bedtime stories and helps him make “snakes” out of broken eggs and she gives him pieces of her rotten teeth to play with and she makes him wait in a closet while she receives her regularly scheduled sexual assaults each evening. But now that her kid is elementary school-aged, she decides it is time to fly the coop, so she concocts a scheme to get ‘em both out of there (warning: it involves a surprisingly high quotient of self-induced vomiting.) 

Now this part is fantastic. I never, EVER get tense watching movies, but when that little kid was rolled up in a carpet in the back of a truck trying to remember his mama’s advice on how to find the police, my heart was pounding like a jackhammer. Indeed, that really should have been the whole movie – Brie and her kid experience unfathomable abuse, try out various ruses to escape, and the last 20 minutes, they find freedom. There is a downright incredible scene where Brie, freed from her cell after seven years exiled from reality, runs crying out of the shed in slow-motion towards a squad car with her kid in the backseat. Had it been the final shot of the movie, it would’ve been absolutely perfect. 

The problem is, the movie keeps going for another hour

So now that Brie and her kid are free, they have to adjust back to the real world. Brie’s parents find her at the hospital and they have no idea how to react because they just kind of figured she had been dead since George W. Bush was in office. So she reconnects with them – they divorced a long time ago, though – and Brie tries to explain to her kid what hospitals and doctors and dogs and all that kind of stuff is. Then they go back to her old bedroom – which still has Radiohead posters all over it – and they look at old yearbook photos, but interestingly, they never reach out to any of the people Brie hasn’t seen or heard from in seven years. 

So she and the kid go live with her mom and their step-daddy, but the media is all abuzz about the case and they are staking the house out and because her parents got divorced this breeds a lot of contention and eventually Brie and her mama have a big fight about how if she didn’t raise her to treat everybody so nice she wouldn’t have been abducted in the first place and she decides to do an interview with a tabloid TV news crew and it goes awry and she starts thinking she is an unfit mother so she tries to kill herself but she survives and spends some time at a mental institution while her kid plays with the family dog and the kid next door and bonds with his grandparents and then she finally gets released and they hug and they all realize that maybe, just maybe, they have some semblance of a normal life ahead of them now. 

Then, it’s over. Whew, talk about a film that sputtered out!

Yeah, I know the director was probably trying to make some sort of allegory about the world being little more than a slightly larger cage for the victims due to all that irreversible emotional and physical abuse they suffered, but the last hour was nonetheless a tremendous letdown. After being held prisoner for seven years, you would think Brie and her kid would be totally desocialized wrecks, but no, they adjust to life on “the outside” way better than most returning Army veterans do (and making things weirder, neither Brie nor the kid seem to have any lingering PTSD side effects.) 

Since the film is at least partially seen through the eyes of the kid, I guess I can understand why the producers wanted to “downplay” the general horribleness of the premise. That said, it would have been all the more involving had the film really played up the heinous nature of the captivity and the especially barbaric treatment Brie received at the hands of “Old Nick” – a vile antagonist who, wisely, is never played like some sort of one-dimensional, slobbering, feminazi caricature of the great unwashed sexual predator as is the case in oh so many films of the like. As an aside, holy shit, does the actor who plays the rapist in this movie look just like this one guy I went to high school with, right down to his crappy, beat up red pick-up. The only thing that’s missing is an Evil Ernie patch on his stained denim jacket and the two would be veritable doppelgangers.  

This being a dramatization – although it is not based on any real life incidents, it certainly feels inspired by incidents such as the unfathomable case of Austrian Elisabeth Fritzl, who was held captive for 24 years and bore seven children over two dozen years of nonstop rapings from her own father – you’ve got to suspend your disbelief quite a bit. Like, the part where the kid is carried out by his daddy in a rolled up carpet. I don’t know, it just seems to me that if a dude is going to rape an innocent person for seven years, he probably wouldn’t have any qualms about leaving the corpse of a kindergartner to just rot in the backyard. And as soon as the kid broke free, we all know the captor probably would’ve gone back to the tool shed and murdered Brie and probably burned the place down to hide the evidence, but no, he just hops back in his truck, promptly drives off and he’s never heard from again. I mean, there’s a quick scene where they say he is arrested on TV and they’re worried about the kid having to be a witness in the trial, but after that, he’s completely out of the picture. 

Yeah, I get what they were aiming for, metaphorically – after so many years of isolation and abuse, they will never be “free” as individuals – but the film never really gives the viewers a sense of closure. The kid asks his mom if they can go back and see the shed one more time, and the police lets them root around in it after all the evidence has been collected, and you kind of get the idea that the kid will be all right in the long haul, but it is still a rather unsatisfying ending (on top of a rather unsatisfying third act, to boot.)

The acting is very solid, although – despite the Academy’s proclamations - I wouldn’t call Brie’s performance Best Actress-caliber. Also, that little kid’s ebullience in the face of so much terror really throws you for a loop – yes, I know they did that intentionally to demonstrate his isolation-borne naivety, but come on, at least show us a little bit of mortal fear here and there. Meanwhile, the rest of the cast – William H. Macy, her mom, whoever the step-dad guy is – are completely unremarkable. I mean completely

So, what do you get with Room? Well, you get a tremendous half a movie, and then, it gets all shades of Lifetime original movie. As a whole, it’s certainly an enjoyable film, but considering what it could’ve been – an all-time psychodrama classic – instead of what it ultimately turned into, you can’t help but feel just a little cheated once the movie is over and done with. Yeah, it’s still a good movie and all, but as good as those egghead, know-it-all “critics” in En-Why-See and El-Lay say it is? 

Not even close, I am afraid. 

My Score: 


Two and a Half Tofu Dogs out of Four

Monday, January 4, 2016

Jimbo Goes to the Movies: "Joy" (2015) Review

It's kind of like Silver Linings Playbook and American Hustle, just, uh, nowhere near as good. 


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

David O. Russell is one of the weirder directors making mainstream Hollywood flicks these days. While he has no doubt experienced his fair share of success via more palatable flicks like The Fighter and Three Kings, his filmography is also glutted with utterly bizarre passion projects like Spanking the Monkey (a whimsical comedy about mother-on-son incest) and Accidental Love, a 2015 release shelved since 2010 about Jessica Biel getting shot in the head with a nailgun and being transformed into an insatiable nymphomaniac/handicapped rights activist (for some reason, he wanted his name taken off the credits on that one.) 

At the heart of Russell's work, it seems, is a rather admirable desire to tell stories about the mentally ill - a special interests group whose numbers surpass the United States' total black population by about 20 million people and positively dwarfs the nation's LGBT populace six fold. Alas, while televisions programs and films anchored around the identity politics surrounding the black and gay American experience are a dime a dozen, pop cultural offerings about individuals with bipolar disorder, chronic depression and severe anxiety remain few and far between, with virtually no major Hollywood releases featuring a person with a mental health disorder as a protagonist coming down the pipes since Russell's 2012 hit Silver Linings Playbook. (As it turns out, Russell was greatly inspired to helm the project because his son has long battled bipolar disorder himself - he even makes a cameo as that annoying prick with the camera during Pat's first major freak-out at his parents' place.) 

What makes Silvers Lining Playbook such a remarkable movie is that it's the first Hollywood-complex flick I recall seeing in which the metaphorical camera gaze was through the eyes of someone with a mental illness. Bradley Cooper's character was the one you were supposed to sympathize with most, the individual you were supposed to vicariously live through. Even going back to stuff like Rain Man and What's Eating Gilbert Grape, the directors made the conscious decision to guide viewers through the experiences of the mentally challenged as a second-hand witness. Audiences weren't supposed to relate to Dustin Hoffman or Leonardo DiCaprio's characters - instead, the film was meant to be experienced through the perspectives of "normal" characters like Tom Cruise and Johnny Depp, who were merely impacted - and thoroughly inconvenienced - by someone else's mental health

With his track record in mind, I was a bit disappointed by Russell's latest flick, Joy, which is really more of a family drama about someone whose tendencies could best be described as "quirky" rather than psychologically ill. It's nowhere close to being the modern classic Silver Linings Playbook is, and as a comprehensive work, I consider it to be miles behind American Hustle, as well. The acting, while serviceable, still feels rushed and warmed over and the chemistry Cooper and Lawrence demonstrated in their previous two Russell pictures is nowhere to be seen. 

However, once you stop making comparisons between Joy and the director's previous work, you ultimately walk away with a slightly above average and wholly entertaining character drama, that at times, feels sort of like a lighter, frothier interpretation of American Hustle (in the sense that both pictures are ensemble flicks revolving around scheming and conspiring and intense one-on-one character exchanges.) 

Jennifer Lawrence (who, with her blonde locks, instantly brings to mind all of those unfortunate amateur bukakke photos from a few months back) plays the eponymous protagonist, a divorced mother of two who lives in a hectic mixed-household consisting of her soap opera-obsessed, isolationist mama, her supportive-to-the-point-of-being-schmaltzy grandma and her mariachi-singing former hubby, who takes up residence in a makeshift basement bedroom. The already volatile situation is intensified by the re-emergence of Joy's alcohol-swigging, highly-combative father (Robert De Niro, whose acting, sadly, is on cruise control throughout the picture), who uses a widow dating hotline to woo a senior Italian signora porting about a gargantuan life insurance settlement. (Interestingly enough, she's played by the actress who portrayed that Egyptian eternal life elixir saleswoman in Death Becomes Her, and even at 63, she kinda' gives me a chub.) 

So JLaw is all sour-pussed because she has to do customer service work at an airline and her sister runs their daddy's auto parts store and she's a total bitch to her and every now and then, she keeps having flashbacks about how her pa ripped up her origami trees back when she was 8. While cleaning up broken wine glasses on her daddy's gal-pal's sailboat and cutting up her palms, she starts working on an all-new, self-wringing mop prototype and because she tried to patent this one leash device that got popular in the 1980s, she decides to pitch her business proposal to the rich Italian broad, and everybody in the family has some reservations, but because she's able to land a cheap manufacturing deal with this shady factory out in California from an even shadier Texan businessman, they say why the hell not and decide to hire some Mexicans to thread mop fibers together in a sweatshop behind a shooting range. 

After they all nearly get arrested for trying to sell their wares in a K-Mart parking lot, JLaw's ex-husband tells her about an old friend who just started working with QVC, so she drives down to Pennsylvania and meets with Bradley Cooper and she convinces him to put the product on the air but first she has to promise them 50,000 units and to do that she has to take out a second mortgage and yank more money out of her family's retirement funds and when the mop finally gets shown on TV the host can't figure out how to make the damn thing work and it almost sends her spiraling into depression but then she decides to interrupt a shareholders meeting and convince Cooper to put her on live TV and show how the mop works her damn self, and even if Joan Rivers don't like it, she ain't going to wear any designer clothing while she hawks her wares, neither. Of course, when Joy pitches her own product on live TV, it becomes a runaway success and breaks QVC purchasing records and everybody's happy but the family is still in debt and her sister just signed an agreement with the California company that doubles the cost of producing the mop and when Joy goes over there to hammer out an agreement herself she finds out the company is actually trying to steal her patent and she gets arrested and winds up signing away her rights to the product. 

But just you wait! After she spends all-night re-reading the fine print, she learns that the Texas businessman she hooked up with may not exactly be on the up-and-up, and that leads us to our big denouement in a Dallas motel room. 

Seeing as how Joy Mangano is now a big shot multi-millionaire businesswoman on the Home Shopping Network, I guess you can determine what the film's post-script resembles. While, taken as a whole, the film's rather enjoyable, it still feels rushed and a bit lifeless, with an out-of-nowhere ending that's among the least satisfying closings of any big-studio release in 2015. The acting, as stated before, is serviceable, but the cast is capable of much, much better. Ultimately, Russell made as good a movie as he could out of the source material, which, frankly, is just too rudimentary and predictable to work as an effective character study. 

Sure, you want to root for Joy's success, but really, she's a fairly uninteresting protagonist. While there's a lot of intrigue stemming from De Niro and Joy's surprisingly helpful ex-husband, a lot of the supporting cast just seems superfluous, especially her catty sister and moribund mama, who spends 80 percent of the movie glued to old VHS copies of a Guiding Light pastiche (and the other 20 percent trying to bed a Haitian plumber, who simply disappears after the first act.)

Even at half-speed, however, the cast does what it can to keep the story afloat, and Russell's direction - while certainly less sure-handed than some of his previous productions - prevents the film from ever becoming laborious. At the end of the day, Joy is an entertaining, albeit instantly disposable and fairly forgettable, little picture; although, considering the general normalcy of the content, I have to ponder why the filmmakers ever thought the premise could entail a genuinely great movie at all. 

My Score:




Two and a half tofu dogs out of four

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

2015-16 NFL Power Rankings (Week 13)



Hopin' against hope...

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

THE ELITES

01
Arizona Cardinals (10-2)
Season Point Differential: (+150)

With a 27-3 blowout of the Rams, the Cardinals climb their way back to the top of Power Rankings charts. With 356 yards and two touchdown passes, Carson Palmer continues to impress, as do standout receivers John Brown and Michael Floyd, who combined for 227 receiving yards in Sunday's stompin' of St. Louis. The Cards' D also shined in the contest; they allowed the Rams to rack up just 146 receiving yards and held their rushing attack to a paltry 66 yards. 

02
Cincinnati Bengals (10-2)
Season Point Differential: (+138)

The Bengals 37-3 beatdown of in-state arch rivals Cleveland was about as dominant a performance as we've seen from any team all season. Going 14 for 19, Andy Dalton wrapped up the contest with 220 yards and two touchdowns, as running back Jeremy Hill (98 yards, one TD) and receiver A.J. Green (128 yards, one TD) did their part to make fantasy football players happy. While Cincy did let Cleveland rack up a suspiciously high 230 yards in the air, none of those passes went anywhere near an end zone ... as the final score probably indicated. 

03
Carolina Panthers (12-0)
Season Point Differential: (+130)

In an homage to last year's Baylor/TCU shootout, the still-unbeaten Panthers decided to play "Tecmo Bowl" against the Saints, ultimately finishing a thriller 41-38. Pretty much ensuring he gets this year's MVP nod, Cam Newton collected FIVE touchdowns in his 331-yard day, which was buttressed with and additional 49 scrambling yards. Other offensive standouts included Jonathan Stewart (82 yards, one TD), Greg Olsen (129 yards on nine carries) and Ted Ginn, Jr. (80 yards and two TDs.)

04
New England Patriots
Season Point Differential: (+128)

Just how good can Tom Brady be without Edelman and Gronk? Apparently, not as good, judging from the Pats' unfathomable 35-28 loss to the Eagles on Sunday afternoon. Going three and two on the TD-to-INT ration, Tom Terrific concluded the contest with 312 yards on 29 completions (plus a rare scrmbling TD), with no-names James White (115 yards on 10 receptions), Dannt Amendola and Scott Chandler all reeling in TD passes. The run game, however, looked a bit sluggish, with the Pats accumulating just 103 yards and allowing Philly to collect 128. 

05
Kansas City Chiefs (7-5)
Season Point Differential: (+81)

The red hot Chiefs continue to roll, this time dropping 20 points on the Raiders in the fourth quarter for an improbably come from behind victory. Alex Smith had smaller stats than normal (162 yards passing, 23 yards rushing and three touchdowns overall), but the K.C. D came up in a big way late; they intercepted Derek Carr no less than three times, complete with a game sealing Tyvon Branch pick six in the final quarter. 

06
Seattle Seahawks (7-5)
Season Point Differential: (+76)

Like a Mac truck, the Seahawks took a long time to rev up, but now that their figurative engine is cranked, they are looking ALL shades of 2013 right now. In a 38-7 slaying of the Vikes, Russell Wilson went 21 for 27, with three touchdown passes, for 274 yards, plus another 51 yards rushing with a TD on the ground. The 'Hawks D absolutely dominated Minnesota; they limited A.P. to just 18 yards on eight carries, and factoring in yards lost to sacks, Terry Bridgewater wrapped up the affair with only 94 passing yards. 

07
Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5)
Season Point Differential: (+71)

In a 45-10 rout of the Colts, Big Ben posted 364 yards and four touchdowns, as Antonio Brown and Martavis Bryant combined for three touchdowns and 232 receiving yards. DeAngelo Williams finished the contest with 26 carries and 134 yards - a sum that eclipses Indy's total number of rushing attempts by eight and their total rushing output by 104 yards. 

08
Denver Broncos (10-2)
Season Point Differential: (+59)

Brock Osweiler is 3-0 as the Broncos' starting QB, leading Denver to a facile 17-3 win over the Chargers on Sunday evening. Brock finished the game with 166 yards, a one-to-one TD to INT ratio and 16 completions; the Broncos' run game, led by Ronnie Hillman with 19 rushes and 56 yards, outgalloped San Diego 134 yards to 93. 

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

09
Green Bay Packers (8-4)
Season Point Differential: (+51)

Down 17-0 at halftime, the Packers engineered an unlikely comeback against the Lions last Thursday night, with Aaron Rodgers shocking Detroit with a game-winning Hail Mary pass to Richard Rodger (no relation, in case you were wondering) to give the Pack the "get outta' here" 27-23 victory. Combined, Rodgers the passer finished the contest with 273 yards and two touchdowns (plus a rare rushing score) while Rodgers the catcher wrapped up the affair with 146 yards on eight catches ... plus one of the most exciting touchdowns in recent pro football history. 

10
New York Jets (7-5)
Season Point Differential: (+47)

It took OT, but Ryan Fitzpatrick and company were able to hold off  the G-Men for a 23-20 victory over the weekend. In the Battle of New York (which was technically in New Jersey), the Fitz had 390 passing yards and two touchdowns, with receivers Brandon Marshall and Eric Decker tag teaming for 232 yards and a score. Meanwhile, the Jets' D kept the Giants' run game grounded, holding their NFC rivals to just 74 rushing yards on 24 attempts. 

11
Atlanta Falcons (6-6)
Season Point Differential: (+22)

The Falcons dropped their fifth game in a row Sunday, with yet ANOTHER late pick by Matt Ryan allowing Atlanta's adversary to mount a come from behind victory. Matty Ice had 269 yards on the day, going one to one on TDs to INTs thrown, while the run game was limited to no scores just 64 yards on 18 carries. The run defense also looked pretty crappy in the 23-19 loss to the Bucs, as the Dirty Birds let Doug Martin and his supporting staff collect two touchdowns and 166 yards on the ground. 

12
Buffalo Bills (6-6)
Season Point Differential: (+18)

T-Mobile was tremendous in the Bill's 30-21 win over the surging Texans. Buffalo's pigskin-slinger finished the contest with three touchdowns and 211 yards on only 11 completions, hitting three different receivers - including yardage leader Sammy Watkins (109 on only three catches) - for scores. Buffalo also got 'er done on the ground, with LeSean McCoy rumbling for 112 yards on 21 touches. 

13
New York Giants (5-7)
Season Point Differential: (+11)

Eli's 297 passing yards wasn't enough to lift the Giants over the Jets this weekend. In a 23-20 overtime loss, New York (NFC) kept New York (AFC) limited to just 90 rushing yards, but they totally lost the air war, letting Fitzpatrick toss the rock for 390 yards. Even in defeat, however, I suppose the Giants can take some solace in another outstanding game from Odell Beckham, Jr. - the hyper-talented wideout finished the game with 149 yards and a touchdown on only six receptions. 

14
Minnesota Vikings (8-4)
Season Point Differential: (+6)

Yowzers, the Vikes got their asses handed to them by the Seahawks on Sunday. In a crushing 38-7 loss, the boys in Purple produced one score - a special teams sprint from Cordarrelle Patterson - while the running and receiving units finished the game with a combined 149 yards. Adrian Peterson was completely neutralized by the Temple of Boom; he concluded the contest with no touchdowns and an amazingly low 18 yards on eight rushes. 

15
Houston Texans (6-6)
Season Point Differential: (-11)

Brian Hoyer – 293 yards, three touchdowns and an INT – had a good day, but his offensive heroics weren’t enough in the Texans’ 30-21 loss to Buffalo. Receivers Cecil Shorts and DeAndre Hopkins finished the game with 179 combined yards and a TD, while Houston’s rushing attack accumulated 126 yards (but no end zone visits) on 26 carries.

16
Baltimore Ravens (4-8)
Season Point Differential: (-19)

Sure, Baltimore may be way out of playoff contention at this point, but that doesn’t mean they can’t play spoiler a time or two and increase their stock for next season. Of course, to do so, the original recipe Browns are going to have to put in a more inspired performance than they did in their 17-15 loss to the Dolphins last Sunday. Matt Schaub’s 308 yard day may have been three and a half times Ryan Tannehill’s output, but you know what Ryan Tannehill didn’t do, either? Lob two interceptions, including a signature Schaub pick six.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

17
Philadelphia Eagles (5-7)
Season Point Differential: (-24)

In what has to be the upset of the year, the Eagles stunned the Pats 35-28 over the weekend. Although Sam Bradford only posted 120 yards, 12 out of his 14 completions resulted in sprints to the endzone. The rushing game didn't produce any scores, but it kept the ball rolling with some special teams heroics from Darren Sproles and ESPECIALLY a 99-yard INT return for Malcolm Jenkins helping Philly close the gap. 

18
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-6)
Season Point Differential: (-27)

Jameis Winston had 18 completions for 227 yards in the Bucs' 23-19 win over the Falcons. Going one and one on touchdowns to interceptions thrown, he also posted another 15 yards scrambling with an additional score on the ground. With 95 yards and a solo TD on 25 touches, not only did have Doug Martin have more scores and yards than the Falcons run game, he even had more carries. 

19
Washington Redskins (5-7)
Season Point Differential: (-29)

Kirk Cousins’ 219 yard day wasn’t enough to help the Redskins overcome a 19-16 Dallas win on Monday. DeSean Jackson (80 yards on six catches) hauled in the only TD for Washington, with a Dustin Hopkins missed field goal being the game’s deciding factor. The Skins are still in pole position in a rotten NFC East, but with games against Chicago, Buffalo and Philly – not to mention a repeat showdown against Dallas in Week 17 – their good fortune can reserve itself in a hurry. 

20
Oakland Raiders (5-7)
Season Point Differential: (-30)

The Raiders had a 20-14 lead against the Chiefs heading into the fourth quarter Sunday, and then, they imploded. K.C. would go on to score 20 unanswered points en route to a 34-20 win; Derek Carr had one of his worst showings of the season, plunking three costly interceptions - including a game-closing pick-six - even though he did outthrow Alex Smith, 283 yards to 162. 

21
Chicago Bears (5-7)
Season Point Differential: (-39)

Jay Cutler has had better days than Chicago’s 26-20 loss to the Niners Sunday. He had 202 yards and an interception, ultimately going 18 for 31 with no touchdowns. The run game – led by Matt Forte, who wrapped up the contest with 84 yards and a TD – was slightly more impressive, but the defense just phoned it in. I mean, seriously, what kind of front seven problems are you having when THE BLAINE GABBERT is able to chalk up 75 yards scrambling?

22
Indianapolis Colts (6-6)
Season Point Differential: (-46)

Matt Hasselbeck looked pretty lackluster in the Colts' 45-10 loss to the Steelers on Sunday night. Completing just 16 passes, his final tally was 169 yards, one TD and two INTs. No running back or receiver for the Colts had more than 45 yards, while Indianapolis' D let the Steelers drop 522 total offensive yards on them. 

23
Tennessee Titans (3-9)
Season Point Differential: (-51)

Marcus Mariota went 20 for 29 in the Titans’ 42-39 win over divisional foes Jacksonville, concluding the contest with 268 yards, three touchdowns and a solo INT. Moreover, Mariota outran the entire Jacksonville offense, producing 112 yards and a touchdown on nine carries when Jags rushers combined only mustered 81 yards on 21 attempts.

24
Dallas Cowboys (4-8)
Season Point Differential: (-54)

No Romo? No problem! Matt Cassel managed to finally win one with the ‘Boys, as he led the Silver and Blue to a 19-16 Monday night victory over arch rivals Washington. Although Cassel had 222 yards, the only end zone excursion for Dallas came in the form of a Darren McFadden  scramble – all other Cowboys points were the result of Dan Bailey field goals and uno extra point kick.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

25
Miami Dolphins (5-7)
Season Point Differential: (-60)

The Dolphins decided to give their offense the day off against the Ravens, as Miami QB Ryan Tannehill made just nine completions for 86 yards and a solo TD strike. The Fins looked good on both sides of the run game; they managed to accumulate 137 yards on the ground while limiting Baltimore to only 94 rushing yards.

26
Detroit Lions (4-8)
Season Point Differential: (-62)

Whatever unrealistic playoff dreams Detroit had heading into Week 13 officially went out the window when Aaron Rodgers lobbed a 61-yarder to Richard Rodgers as time expired on Thursday night. Falling to 4-8 after the heartbreaking 27-23 loss, the Lions will now spend the remainder of their 2015 campaign struggling to break even ... which, really, has pretty much been the case for the Lions since the AFL merger. 

27
Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8)
Season Point Differential: (-66)

Well, Blake Bortles had a heck of a game against the Titans. However, despite his 322 yard, FIVE TOUCHDOWN performance, it wasn’t enough to put the Jags over the top, as they ultimately succumbed 42-39 in a high scoring affair that, effectively meant nothing. Having Allen Robinson on your fantasy team must have felt pretty great though; he had three touchdowns and 153 yards on only ten touches.

28
St. Louis Rams (4-8)
Season Point Differential: (-68)

The Rams just imploded against Arizona over the weekend, barely producing 200 yards of total offense in a feeble 27-3 loss. Nick Foles completed 15 passes for 146 yards and an INT, while the Rams running back committee posted a lackluster 66 yards on the day. Oh, and their defense didn't do diddly, as they let the Cardinals outpass them for 349 yards and an additional 175 rushing. 

29
San Diego Chargers (3-9)
Season Point Differential: (-77)

Philip Rivers' 202 passing yards (just 179, if you factor in the four times he got sacked) had little bearing on the outcome of Sunday's contest against Denver. In a 17-3 loss, the Chargers failed to visit the end zone once, with no running backs or receivers surpassing the 55-yard mark. Oh, and they fumbled the ball no less than four times, producing two costly turnovers. 

30
New Orleans Saints (4-8)
Season Point Differential: (-81)

In the best game of "NFL Blitz" seen since the heyday of the Sega Dreamcast, the Saints came *this close* to ending the Panthers unbeaten streak. Alas, some late theatrics from Cam Newton and Co. clinched a 41-38 victory. At least New Orleans got you some fantasy points: Drew Brees finished the game with 282 yards and three TD passes while Mark Ingram, Brandin Cooks, Brandon Coleman and Benjamin Watson all collected at least one score in the contest. 

31
San Francisco 49ers (4-8)
Season Point Differential: (-113)

Let's hear it for THE BLAINE GABBERT, everybody! San Fran's new leading man had 196 yards and a TD pass on 18 completions, and not once did he lob the rock into the open arms of any Bears' defenders in the Niners' 26-20 upset win. Even more impressive? The Notorious B.L.A.I.N.E. also had 75 rushing yards ... and with it, yet another score on the go.

32
Cleveland Browns (2-10)
Season Point Differential: (-131)

Woo boy, the Browns got their asses kicked on Sunday. In a demoralizing 37-3 loss to Cincinnati, third string QB Austin Davis had 230 yards, an INT and no touchdowns while the run game sputtered out, producing just 68 yards on 19 rushing attempts. And as you'd imagine from a team that lost by 34 points, the defense played - to put it mildly - utterly shit-tastic.


Monday, December 7, 2015

2015-16 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 14)


We're going bowling!

By: Jimbo X
@Jimbo__X

The Associated Press? The USA Today's Coaches Poll? Whatever jibber-jabber is being puked out over at ESPN and Bleacher Report? Puh-leeze, we all know those alleged "Top 25" countdowns are pathetic jokes penned by homers, Power Five loyalists and Notre Dame nuthuggers. That's why I decided to release my own weekly rundown of the best FBS college football squads in the States, completely devoid of all the usual fanboyism and corporate malarkey that makes lists of the like elsewhere so unbelievably annoying. 


Throughout the regular season, a new installment will go up every Wednesday morning, so you may want to bookmark this sucker for future reference ... and to show to all of your fellow NCAA football lovin' chums, so they can know that -- at least somewhere out in the tangled, endlessly frustrating World Wide Web -- there's someone on the Internet with some goddamn horse sense when it comes to ranking college 'ball teams. 

01
Clemson (13-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma (Dec. 31)

It was a close one, but the Tigers walked out of the regular season with Division I's only unblemished record and the ACC Championship following their 45-37 win over North Carolina. Deshaun Watson - who finished the championship game with three aerial touchdowns for 289 yards and two rushing touchdowns and 131 ground yards overall - will certainly face tougher defensive restraints when his Clemson squad matches up against Bob Stoops' venerable Sooners on New Year's Eve. 

02
Alabama (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Michigan State (Dec. 31)

It wasn't the most dramatic of SEC finales, but the Crimson Tide definitely proved their worth in Saturday's 29-15 win oeuvre Florida. Jake Coker and Derrick Henry - who tag-teamed for about two hundred yards throwing and two hundred yards runnin' in their win over the Gators - next turn their attention towards Michigan State for what should be an interesting little skirmish on 12/31.

03
Oklahoma (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Clemson (Dec. 31)

With no pesky championship games to fret about, the Sooners had the easiest path of any team in the NCAA (football) Final Four. Baker Mayfield has played tremendously all season, but there is no denying the dynamic Clemson Tigers' defense will prove quite the challenge ... or mayhap, it will be the other way around on New Year's Eve?

04
Michigan State (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Alabama (Dec. 31)

The Spartans took a low-scoring championship win over Iowa over the weekend, winning the Big 10 crown 16-13. Alas, with the Hawkeyes' relatively weak defense giving them so many problems, will Connor Cook and LJ Scott collapse under the enormous pressure of the Crimson Tide defense? We will find out when 12/31 rolls ... pun, most definitely intended ... around. 

05
Ohio State (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Notre Dame (Jan. 1)

The first team out of the final four gets an opportunity to show the playoff committee they erred on New Year's Day, as the Buckeyes go toe-to-toe with a two-loss Fighting Irish squad in Tempe. Expect Ezekiel Elliot to rack up a lot of yards ... you gotta' do something to increase that draft stock, you now. 

06
Iowa (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Stanford (Jan. 1)

Following a narrow 16-13 loss to the Spartans, Iowa travels to SoCal for  a match-up against the (singular) Cardinal on New Year's Day. Now this one is really interesting; can Iowa's stingy defense work their magic on Christian McCaffrey, or will running the ball be a bed of, ahem, roses, for Stanford's Heisman-caliber rusher? 

07
Houston (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Florida State (Dec. 31)

The Cougars didn't really need a passing attack to top the Temple Owls, 24-13, for the AAC Championship. Despite posting no aerial scores and just 106 passing yards, Houston outran Temple by a considerable margin - 233 yards to 98, to be precise. Needless to say, things are going to be interesting when Houston's potent offense encounters a Seminoles squad last scene holding the SEC East Champ Gators to only two points. 

08
North Carolina (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Baylor (Dec. 29)

Give the Tar Heels some credit, they made Clemson sweat buckets before ceding the ACC Championship Game to them over the weekend. In the 45-37 loss, Marquise Williams still looked solid, lobbing three touchdown passes for 224 yards and rushing another 81 for a ground TD. Expect plenty of deep throws when NC takes on Baylor later this December, in what should be a high-scoring, offensive showcase. 

09
Stanford (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Iowa (Jan. 1)

In a 41-22 drubbing, the Cardinal steamrolled USC  to take home the Pac-12 Championship. Heisman contender Christian McCaffrey finished the game with 207 yards on 32 carries, with his longest run covering half the surface area of the field. Needless to say, the Hawkeyes will have to put a lot of elbow grease into stopping him in the Rose Bowl. 

10
Florida State (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Houston (Dec. 31)

If it wasn't for a fluky last second loss to Georgia Tech, there is a strong possibility the Seminoles could have wound up in the hunt for a playoff berth. Alas, that upset loss - in tandem with a lackluster performance against eventual ACC Champs Clemson - has relegated FSU to a New Year's Eve contest against AAC Champs Houston. Sure, FSU ought to have no trouble handling Division I's top non-power five team not named Notre Dame, but crazier things have happened, y'know...

11
Notre Dame (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Ohio State (Jan. 1)

The Irish have themselves a Fiesta on the first day of 2016, as Notre Dame travels to Arizona for a tough battle against Urban Meyer and the Buckeyes. It certainly presents an interesting quarterback dual - DeShone Kizer vs. J.T. Barrett ought to be a whole hell of a lot of fun to watch. 

12
TCU (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Oregon (Jan. 2)

A late season injury to Trevone Boykin really sunk the Horned Frogs' playoffs aspirations, but they get an opportunity to set a nice tempo for their 2016 campaign with a Jan. 2 bowl battle against the surging Oregon Ducks. If you like high-scoring, pass-happy football, you will DEFINITELY want to have the Tivo set for this one. Uh, people still use Tivos, right? 

13
Oklahoma State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Ole Miss (Jan. 1)

The Cowboys went 10-0 to begin the season, before spinning out and dropping their last two contests of the year. While watching Oklahoma contend for the National Championship is going to be painful, no doubt, OK State can gain some measure of pride with a 01/01/16 win over a disappointing 9-3 Ole Miss Rebels squad. 

14
Northwestern (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Tennessee (Jan. 1)

The winners of five in a row, the Wildcats have been playing some of the best defensive football in Division I. Alas, their underwhelming O has kept them from being a serious contender throughout the regular season; fittingly enough, they wrap up their 2015-16 campaign with a New Year's Day contest against a team with the exact opposite problem - an underwhelming Tennessee Vols squad that's all O and no D. 

15
Western Kentucky (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. USF (Dec. 21)

The Hilltoppers biggest claim to fame is having a mascot that looks like a blood soaked cousin of the McDonalds mascot Grimace. Seeing as how they've won five in a row - with their only losses of the season coming to very good LSU and Indiana squads - Western K. has all the makings of a Cinderella squad for the 2016-17 season. Pending you have some free time on the 21st, you can catch yourself a glimmer of things to (possibly) come when W.K. takes on USF in Miami. 

16
Appalachian State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Ohio (Dec. 19)

I have no earthly clue what the Raycom Media Camellia Bowl is, but it should provide a stellar opportunity for the Mountaineers - riding a three game win streak with sole 2015 losses coming against Clemson and, uh, Arkansas State - as they lock horns with THE Ohio Bobcats at the Cramton Bowl. And yes, your guess is as good as mine as to which city that one will take place in. 

17
Navy (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Army (Dec. 12)

The Midshipmen were one of the biggest surprise success stories of the college football year. Alas, while they won't be making an appearance at any of the "big six" bowls, they do get an opportunity to pad their win-loss record with a facile contest against the Army Black Knights this weekend. 

18
Toledo (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Temple (Dec. 22)

Are you ready for THE greatest Marmot Boca Raton Bowl game EVER? Well, you better be, as the two-loss Toledo Rockets have an opportunity to prove their worth against the three-loss Temple Owls in what should most certainly be A game that takes place on Dec. 22. But seriously though, these two teams are a lot better than you think, so it might be worth watching ... or at least YouTubing the highlights the next day. 

19
Oregon (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. TCU (Jan. 2)

Don't look now, but the Horned Frogs have won six games in a row, concluding the regular season with only two conference losses. While they weren't good enough for Pasadena, they do get a nice opportunity to prove their worthiness against the Horned Frogs on Jan. 2, in a game with an over/under that will probably be in the triple digits.  

20
San Diego State (10-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Cincinnati (Dec. 24)

After winning their first conference title since 1986, the Aztecs - currently riding a nine-game win streak - turn their attention towards Honolulu, where they will go head-to-head against the Bearcats in the Hawai'i Bowl ... which, yeah, I'd say is a much sweeter plum than landing a spot in the GoDaddy Bowl or, Christ help you, the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl.

21
Michigan (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Florida (Jan. 1)

After getting blown out by Ohio State in the last week of regular season play, the Wolverines now set their eyes on a showdown against Florida on New Year's Day '16. The Orlando contest should be quite interesting, seeing as how both teams finished their campaigns with disastrous losses to their arch rivals.

22
Baylor (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. North Carolina (Dec. 29)

Texas has sucked all year long, but they didn't suck nearly as much as the Bears did over the weekend. In an embarrassing 23-17 loss, Baylor outran the Longhorns 395 yards to 156, but with Lynx Hawthorne behind center, they couldn't do diddly with the passing attack. Granted, Baylor had nothing to play for, but if they put in an effort THAT lethargic against North Carolina, they are going to be ran - and passed - out of the stadium on Dec. 29. 

23
Florida (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Michigan (Jan. 1)

Following a disappointing outing against Alabama in the SEC Championship Game (and before that, an even more disastrous showing against Florida State a week earlier), the Gators face off against fellow 9-3 finisher Michigan on New Year's Day. If nothing else, it ought to be a decent defensive contest. 

24
Memphis (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Auburn (Dec. 30)

After starting the season 80, the Tigers wound up dropping three out of their last four, including three consecutive AAC in-conference tilts. Alas, Memphis gets one last shot at redemption on Dec. 30, as they take on the Auburn Tigers in Birmingham. And to think ... there were actually some people dense enough to pick THOSE Tigers to win the National Championship back in August

25
Georgia (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Penn State (Jan. 2)

When the Bulldogs begin their 2016-17 campaign, they will have a new head coach - current Alabama Defensive Coordinator Kirby Smart - calling the shots. Before then, however, UGA will have one final Richt-era contest - a meaningless Jan. 2 skirmish against the Nittany Lions in the TaxSlayer Bowl in Jacksonville - which, if nothing else, is a considerable step up from playing in the Belk Bowl, or heaven forbid, the Motel 6 Cactus Bowl.