2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 15!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"I Can Smell The Finish Line From Here..."

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (12-2)

Season Point Differential: +159

It was a close one, but Nick Foles (24 for 38 for 237 yards, 4 TDs) and company managed to outlast the Giants 34-29 over the weekend. The win officially grants the Eagles not only the NFC East crown, but guarantees them a first round bye in the postseason, to boot. Alas, one has to wonder about Philly's secondary heading down the stretch - I mean, they DID let Eli Manning torch 'em for 434 passing yards.

#02

New England Patriots (11-3)

Season Point Differential: +121

With a last second interception off Big Ben's already infamous fake spike attempt, the Patriots managed to outlast the Steelers on the road Sunday. In the 27-24 win, Tom Brady went 22 for 35 for 298 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, with Gronk collecting 168 yards off nine catches. Not surprisingly, the Patriots' rushing attack couldn't hold water against Pittsburgh's backfield, as Le'Veon Bell (117 yards and one TD on 24 carries) managed to outrush the entire New England running back committee by 40 yards.

#03

Minnesota Vikings (11-3)

Season Point Differential: +101

With a 34-7 mudhole stompin' of the Bengals, the Vikes officially locked up the NFC North title over the weekend. The outstanding play of Case Keenum and Latavius Murray continued, with the former going 20 for 23 for 236 yards and two touchdowns and the latter collecting 76 yards and one TD on 20 carries. Also looking fantastic in the outing was receiver Jerrick McKinnon, who wrapped up the contest with 114 yards on seven hauls.

#04

Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3)

Season Point Differential: +66

After apparently securing a go-ahead TD late in the fourth, an overturned touchdown call resulted in Big Ben trying to pull a fast one on the Patriots. Alas, his fake spike cum end zone zip didn't turn out the way he expected, and the Pats managed to pick off the pigskin to win the whole kit and caboodle 27-24. Regardless, Big Ben had an otherwise decent statistical showing, going 22 for 30 for 281 yards, two touchdowns and one INT, with JuJu Smith-Schuster collecting 114 yards off six catches.

#05

Los Angeles Rams (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +166

The Rams DESTROYED NFC West rivals Seattle on Sunday, pummeling the Seahawks 42-7 on the road. Jared Goff went 14 for 21 and 120 yards in the outing, ultimately launching two touchdowns and one interception, but the big story was L.A.'s rushing offense. In total, the Rams' ground gain outgained Seattle's rushers by an astounding 244 yard to 78 yard margin, with Todd Gurley scoring three touchdowns and collecting 152 yards on 21 carries.

#06

Jacksonville Jaguars (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +165

With Sunday's 45-7 demolition of the Texans, the Jaguars secure their first postseason berth since 2007. Blake Bortles had an outstanding outing, going 21 for 29 for 326 yards and three touchdowns, with Keelan Cole collecting 187 yards and one score off seven receptions. Jacksonville's rushing attack also looked pretty good, combining for 138 yards and three touchdowns on 38 cumulative carries.

#07

New Orleans Saints (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +119

Drew Brees went 26 for 36 for 285 yards, two touchdowns and one INT in Sunday's 31-19 win over the Jets, with Michael Thomas reeling in a solo score and 93 yards on nine catches. Back Mark Ingram had a solid showing, too, finishing the game with 74 yards and two touchdowns on 12 carries - this, in addition to the extra 77 yards he chalked up as a receiver.

#08

Carolina Panthers (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +45

Cam Newton and pals rained on Aaron Rodgers' big comeback game, besting the Packers 31-24 in a good 'un. Speaking of Newton, he had one of his best performances of the year Sunday, going 20 for 31 for 242 yards and FOUR touchdown passes. Oh, and he also ran the rock for another 58 yards, because if the other team's front four allows it, why not?

When are teams going to learn to NOT pass the ball against the Pats when they're THAT close to the end zone?

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Atlanta Falcons (9-5)

Season Point Differential: +36

A schtoinked field goal from Tampa Bay in the waning moments of the fourth quarter gift bagged the Falcons a pivotal 24-21 divisional victory Monday night. Matt Ryan (17 for 31, 212 yards, one TD) looked alright, but the real x-factor for Atlanta's win was its rushing game - more specifically, back Devonta Freeman who wrapped up the game with 126 yards and one TD on 22 carries.

#10

Baltimore Ravens (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +89

Unsurprisingly, the Ravens made short work of the hapless, helpless Browns, beating Cleveland 27-10 over the weekend. Joe Flacco went 26 for 42 for 288 yards and one TD, with Mike Wallace (no, not the dude from 60 Minutes) collecting 89 yards on six catches. And despite scoring no touchdowns, back Javorius Allen had a pretty good showing, finishing the outing with 70 yards on 13 carries.

#11

Kansas City Chiefs (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +57

The Chiefs made it two wins in a row with Sunday's 30-13 win over the Chargers - one more victory and K.C. locks up the AFC West, regardless if the Chargers win their remaining two games. Anyhoo, both Alex Smith and Kareem Hunt looked good in the weekend's win; Smith went 23 for 30 for 231 yards and two touchdowns, while Hunt collected 155 yards and one score running the rock 24 times. Oh, and Hunt also had another 51 yards - plus another touchdown - as a receiver; think he's done enough to secure this season's offensive rookie of the year honors?

#12

Seattle Seahawks (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +27

The Seahawks royally shit the bed in Sunday's homestand, falling to the Rams 42-7. Russell Wilson went 14 for 30 for 142 yards and one touchdown in the losing bid, with Seattle's backfield combining for 78 rushing yards - which was barely half the amount of rushing yardage Todd Gurley managed to accumulate against them in his three touchdown day. The loss definitely puts some pressure on Seattle - indeed, their showdown against Dallas this Sunday is pretty much a must win game if they want to have any chance of making the playoffs.

#13

Dallas Cowboys (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +25

The MVP for the Cowboys in Sunday night's 20-17 win over the Raiders? A folded up piece of notebook paper the refs used to measure a crucial fourth down late in the fourth quarter - which gave Dallas what has to be the narrowest first down in NFL history. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Dak Prescott had a pretty crappy game, going 18 for 27 for 212 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions ... both of which landed in the arms of Raiders' cornerback Sean Smith.

#14

Detroit Lions (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +19

Matt Stafford went 25 for 33 for 237 yards and two touchdown passes in the Lions' 20-10 win over Chicago Sunday. The victory keeps the playoffs aspirations of Detroit alive for at least another week - and with two very winnable games against the Bengals and Packers remaining on the docket, there's at least a 50/50 chance the Lions will wrap up their campaign 10-6. The question now is, in a hyper-competitive race for the sixth and final NFC playoff slot, will 10-6 be good enough to cut it?

#15

Tennessee Titans (8-6)

Season Point Differential: -23

The Titans lost a close one to the Niners over the weekend, 25-23. Marcus Mariota went 23 for 33 for 241 yards and two touchdowns, with top receiver Rishard Matthews racking up 85 yards and one score on six catches. Alas, the secondary just collapsed against Jimmy Garoppolo's dazzling aerial attack, allowing San Fran to accumulate 381 yards in the air.

#16

Buffalo Bills (8-6)

Season Point Differential: -42

Buffalo bolstered their wildcard playoff chances with a 24-16 win over the Dolphins on Sunday. T-Mobile went 17 for 29 for 224 yards and one TD pass in the victory, racking up another 42 yards and an additional score running the rock. And the defense made life miserable for Jay Cutler all day long, sacking him thrice, intercepting him thrice and hitting him after the pass five times.

Yeah - this pretty much sums up the Raiders' 2017 season.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Los Angeles Chargers (7-7)

Season Point Differential: +56

Sunday's 30-13 loss to the Chiefs doesn't necessarily make it impossible for L.A. to win the AFC West (or lock up a playoff spot, for that matter) but it's pretty much a given that they're gonna' have to run the table to even think about sniffing the postseason. In case you missed it, Phil Rivers had one of his worst performances of the year in the defeat, going 20 for 36 for 227 yards, one TD and three interceptions - including two lobbed into the arms of Marcus Peters, who had 74 total yards as an unintentional Rivers' target.

#18

Green Bay Packers (7-7)

Season Point Differential: -24

Aaron Rodgers fell short in his return game, succumbing to the Panthers 31-24. A-Rod went 26 for 45 in the losing effort, ultimately tossing three touchdowns - and three interceptions, to boot. And oddly enough, Rodgers - with 43 yards on the ground - was just four yards short of being Green Bay's most productive rusher on the day.

#19

Oakland Raiders (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -43

The Raiders' 20-17 home loss to Dallas Sunday night pretty much ended their season. Derek Carr went 21 for 38 for 171 yards and two touchdown passes, but he cost his team the come-from-behind victory when he tried to dive for a pylon-assisted score ... only to fumble the pigskin, watch it roll out of the end zone and give the Cowboys a touchback and all the time in the world to run out the clock. And as always, if you're a morose sort you can always check out our LIVE play-by-play coverage of the debacle - you sick, sick individuals, you.

#20

Washington Redskins (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -54

Kirk Cousins went 18 for 26 for 196 yards and two touchdown passes in Washington's 20-15 win over Arizona Sunday. Remarkably, the Redskins were able to pull out the W despite being outgained on the ground by the Cardinals 141 yards to 31. I guess that tells you all you need to know about the importance of rushing in today's NFL product, no?

#21

Miami Dolphins (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -90

The Fins came up short Sunday against the Bills, dropping a fairly competitive one 24-16. Jay Cutler went 28 for 46 for 274 yards in the losing effort - which sounds pretty good, up until you remember he threw zero touchdown passes and three INTs. Oh, and the nigga somehow managed to fumble the ball FOUR TIMES, although by some great cosmological fluke, none of them were recovered by Buffalo.

#22

Arizona Cardinals (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -91

In a 20-15 loss to the Redskins over the weekend, THE BLAINE GABBERT went 16 for 41 for 189 yards, zero touchdown passes and one interception. But really, you can scale back his overall production to just 145, considering the five times he was sacked for negative 44 yards. And if that wasn't bad enough, Gabbert also managed to fumble the ball three times, with one of them resulting in a crucial turnover.

#23

New York Jets (5-9)

Season Point Differential: -57

Backup-backup Bryce Petty underwhelmed in the Jets' 31-19 loss to the Saints Sunday, going 19 for 39 for 179 yards, one TD and two interceptions. Bilal Powell had 44 yards and a touchdown on 13 carries and receiver Elijah McGuire hauled in a score in his 48-yard day, but beyond that? Yeah, this offense didn't do much of anything. 

#24

Cincinnati Bengals (5-9)

Season Point Differential: -72

As evident by the 34-7 final score, the Bengals didn't get a whole lot accomplished in their loss to the Vikings Sunday. Andy Dalton went 11 for 22 in the losing bid, for 113 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions, while Cincinnati's running backs attack could only muster 46 yards and one TD on 20 combined carries. Meanwhile, Cincy's defense let the Vikes outrush them to the tune of 124 yards on the ground - with Latavius Murray all by his lonesome outproducing the Bengals' rushing total by 30 yards.

So do you fucks STILL want Colin K. back on the roster now?

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Denver Broncos (5-9)

Season Point Differential: -74

The Broncos thumped the Colts 25-13 last Thursday in a game that saw Trevor Siemian go 5 for 9 for 67 yards and one interception before getting yanked in favor of Brock Osweiler. Os did a little bit better under center for Denver, finishing the contest 12 for 17 for 194 yards and two touchdown passes - plus another rushing score. Also notable? The Broncos rushing attack (led by C.J. Anderson with 158 yards on the day) outpaced Indy on the ground by an absurd 213 yard to 70 yard differential.

#26

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -51

The Bucs kept it close, but some special teams snafus late in the fourth cost them Monday night's tilt against Atlanta. In the 24-21 loss, Jameis Winston had a hell of a showing, going 27 for 35 for 299 yards and three touchdowns. Alas, some cruddy play in the first half - especially a costly fumble in their own end zone in the second quarter - made sure Tampa Bay would never gain ground on their NFC South rivals.

#27

Chicago Bears (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -60

The Bears came up short against the Lions over the weekend, falling 20-10 to Detroit. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubiksy went 31 for 46, 314 yards and one TD pass - plus three interceptions. Oh well, at least Chicago's defense played fairly well in the double-digit loss - after all, the Bears' defense DID manage to sack Matt Stafford four times for negative 35 yards, didn't they?

#28

Houston Texans (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -61

No, the Texans did not look too swell in their 45-7 loss to the Jaguars Sunday. T.J. Yates went 12 for 31 for 128 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, while Houston's backfield  managed to collect 87 yards on 21 combined carries. Alas, T.J. - filling in for the brain-rattled Tom Savage, who probably thinks he's Batman right about now - fared a little bit better against the Jags' ferocious defense than anticipated: over the weekend, they only managed to sack him four times for minus 29 yards.

#29

San Francisco 49ers (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -84

Sunday's 25-23 win over Tennessee makes it three wins in a row for the Niners, who are UNDEFEATED with Jimmy Garoppolo under center. Speaking of Jimmy G., he had a hell of a game over the weekend, going 31 for 43 for 381 yards and one TD pass. Of course, he also got sacked three times and hit after the pass five more times, but hey - nobody said it wouldn't be awhile before those pesky O-line problems are remedied. 

#30

Indianapolis Colts (3-11)

Season Point Differential: -143

Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett had an off night last Thursday in the Colts' 25-13 loss to Denver. The ex-Pat went 17 for 30 in the losing bid, ultimately chalking up 158 yards but no touchdown passes. However, he did manage to muster one rushing TD in the contest - and with 18 scrambling yards on the day, he was Indy's second most productive runner during the affair.

#31

New York Giants (2-12)

Season Point Differential: -127

Even with Eli Manning going 37 for 57 for 434 yards and three touchdown passes, the Giants still came up short against the Eagles Sunday. In the 34-29 loss, Sterling Shepherd had 11 completions, 139 yards and one TD haul, while Tavarres King collected two touchdowns and 70 yards off his only two catches of the day. Alas, the team couldn't do shit in the fourth quarter, collecting a meager 76 yards and zero points in the final 15 minutes of the contest.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-14)

Season Point Differential: -155

And with Sunday's 27-10 loss to the Ravens, Cleveland is now just two defeats away from completing their perfect season. DeShone Kizer's stats over the weekend were pretty much what you'd expect - 20 for 37 for 146 yards, zero touchdowns, two interceptions - and common sense would dictate he probably won't be starting for the Browns come opening day 2018. Hell, it's not even a lock he'll get the start against the Bears this Sunday, if we're gonna' be honest with ourselves ... 

Read More

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 13!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: JimboX

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"A Fine Line Between Parity and Parody"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +146

The Eagles came up short in their road trip to Seattle Sunday night, falling to the Seahawks 24-10. Carson Wentz went 29 for 45 for 348 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, with top receiver Nelson Algholor finishing the game with 141 yards and a score on seven hauls. Still, Philly's O-line looked uncharacteristically bad, allowing their QB to get sacked three times for minus 21 yards and get hit after the pass an additional eight times.

#02

New England Patriots (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +125

Tom Brady (21 for 30, 258 yards, one interception) didn't even need to throw any touchdowns for his Pats to stomp the Bills 23-3 over the weekend. Dion Lewis had 92 yards on 15 carries, while Rex Burkhead (78 yards on 12 carries) finished the game with two waltzes into enemy end zone. Of course, the game will forever be remembered for Gronk dropping the People's Elbow on Tre'Davious White - who, irony of ironies, just so happens to be black.

#03

Minnesota Vikings (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +81

Case Keenum continues to make his case (get it?) for regular season MVP following the Vikes' 14-9 win over the Falcons. In the victory, Keenum went 25 for 30 for 227 yards and two touchdown passes - including one to Jerrick McKinnon, who then proceeded to mock his opponents by doing the Dirty Bird in their own house. Oh, and former Raiders Latavius Murray continues to excel as a dual threat back - he concluded the game with 76 yards rushing and 21 receiving.

#04

Pittsburgh Steelers (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +68

The Steelers rallied from a 17-0 deficit to defeat the Bengals 23-20 on Monday night. In what was probably the most violent game of the season thus far, linebacker Ryan Shazier was carted off the field with a spinal injury, while JuJu Simon-Schuster did a stretcher job on Vontaze Burfict, who - let's face it - probably deserved it. On, and if you care, Big Ben had an alright game, too - he went 24 for 40 for 290 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT split.

#05

Los Angeles Rams (9-3)

Season Point Differential: +139

The Rams guaranteed their first winning season since 2003 via a 32-16 win over Arizona on Sunday. Jared Goff went 21 for 31 for 220 yards, two TD passes and one interception, while Todd Gurley collected 74 yards on the ground plus another 84 as a receiver. And let's hear it for Alec Ogletree - the no-name defender who snagged an errant pass from THE BLAINE GABBERT for an easy six on the board.

#06

New Orleans Saints (9-3)

Season Point Differential: +110

The Panthers came out on top in a super-duper important NFC South showdown Sunday, besting divisional rivals Carolina 31-21. Drew Brees went 25 for 34 for 269 yards and one TD pass, while backs Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara combined for 145 yards and three touchdowns running the rock. And holy shit, did this team really hold Cam Newton to just 167 yards passing?

#07

Jacksonville Jaguars (8-4)

Season Point Differential: +121

The Jags whupped the tar out of the Colts Sunday, besting their AFC South adversaries 30-10. Blake Bortles had a fantastic game, going 26 for 35 for 309 yards and two TD passes, while Leonard Fournette carried the leather lunch box for 57 yards and one score on 20 carries. And, of course, the defense stood tall, holding Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett to just 149 yards once you factor in the yardage he lost after getting sacked four times.

#08

Seattle Seahawks (8-4)

Season Point Differential: +68

The Seahawks stood tall in their Sunday night home stand, beating the Eagles by 14 points on prime-time TV. Russell Wilson had a fantastic showing, going 20 for 31 for 227 yards and three touchdown passes - all three of which landed in the open arms of three different receivers. And underrated back Mike Davis looked pretty good drilling through Philadelphia's ferocious defensive line, finishing the outing with 64 yards on 16 carries.

Huh. Looks like trash collection came early this week.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Carolina Panthers (8-4)

Season Point Differential: +31

Well, you can't blame Cam Newton for the Panthers' 31-21 loss to the Saints Sunday. Carolina's gunslinger went 17 for 27 for 183 yards and two TD passes, plus he collected another 51 yards on six rushes. But yeah, about those three instances of the Panthers' coughing up the football ... 

#10

Tennessee Titans (8-4)

Season Point Differential: -16

Backhanded compliment time: the Titans, depending on your perspective, are either the worst "good" team in the NFL or the best "bad" one, as evident by their season-long points differential of minus 16 (making them the only team in the League with a winning record and a SPD in the negatives.) Still, those fuckers keep finding ways to win games, and such was the case when they bested Houston 24-13 over the weekend. Alas, we'll give credit where credit is due - with Derrick Henry and DeMarco Murray combining for nearly 200 rushing yards against the Texans, theirs is certainly a potent (if not underestimated) rushing attack that could carry them a lot further down the stretch than any of us anticipate.

#11

Baltimore Ravens (7-5)

Season Point Differential: +73

In a 44-20 win over Detroit, Joe Flacco went 23 for 36 for 269 yards and two passing touchdowns, while running back Alex Collins collected 75 yards and two touchdowns on 15 carries. And while Baltimore couldn't do too much to stop Matt Stafford's 292-yard passing day, they at least managed to collect two interceptions on the day - including a 45-yard pick six returned by Eric Weddle.

#12

Atlanta Falcons (7-5)

Season Point Differential: +30

The Vikings' defense kept Matt Ryan in check last Sunday, as last year's MVP could only muster 173 yards and no TD passes in a 14-9 loss. Devonta Freeman, however, looked pretty good running the rock, wrapping up the game with 74 yards on 12 touches. And how about this: despite staring down one of the best pass rushes in the League, Atlanta's O-line didn't let Minnesota's defenders sack Ryan once.

#13

Los Angeles Chargers (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +56

Phil Rivers went 31 for 43 for 344 yards and a solo TD pass in the Chargers' 19-10 win over the Browns Sunday. Keenan Allen's Pro Bowl-worthy season continued, as the top-tier receiver racked up 105 yards and one touchdown on 10 hauls. And Melvin Gordon didn't look too shabby, either - he finished the game with 77 yards (but no scores) on 19 carries.

#14

Kansas City Chiefs (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +29

And Sunday's 38-31 loss to the Jets makes it a four-game losing streak for Kansas City, who've gone almost a full month since last recording a victory. So yes, the team that started off the year 5-0 is now caught in a three-way tie for the AFC West's top slot, and could be kicked off the top as early as this Sunday when they host the Raiders. Alas, with Alex Smith (19 for 33, 366 yards) lobbing four touchdown passes in last weekend's loss, he probably won't get benched in favor of rookie QB Patrick Mahomes - although shit could get real if he turns in a lackluster performance in the first quarter or two this weekend against the team's arch-nemesis.

#15

Detroit Lions (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +6

Despite Matt Stafford nearly posting another 300-yard game, the Lions still got gobsmacked by the Ravens Sunday, ultimately losing 44-20. Despite being outproduced on the ground 101 yards to 78, the Lions still managed to collect just as many rushing scores (two) as their adversaries. The difference maker was the passing game; whereas Joe Flacco had two TD passes on the day, the Lions wound up lobbing two interceptions ... including a very costly pick six late in the fourth that effectively closed the casket on any comeback attempts.

#16

Dallas Cowboys (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +2

The Cowboys pretty much ethnic cleansed the Redskins Thursday night, pummeling their arch rivals 38-14 in prime-time. Dak Prescott went 11 for 22 for 102 yards and two touchdown passes and ran for another 28, but the real difference maker here was the Cowboys' run game, which - even without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield - managed to outyard Washington on the ground 182 yards to 56. Hope you fantasy footballers started back Alfred Morris, seeing as how he only had 127 rushing yards in the contest.

Some of you might call it "unnecessary roughness." I prefer to call it celestial justice.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Green Bay Packers (6-6)

Season Point Differential: -23

It took some overtime play to do it, but the Packers won the 2017 Battle of the Bays with a 26-20 win over the Bucs. Brett Hundley went 13 for 22 for 84 yards, no touchdowns and an interception, but thankfully, the Packers' rushing attack was a tad more potent. At the final horn, back Jamaal Williams had 113 yards and one TD on 21 carries, while Aaron Jones' 20-yard walkoff - err, runoff? - TD in extra innings sealed the victory for G.B.

#18

Oakland Raiders (6-6)

Season Point Differential: -29

The Raiders are back at .500 following Sunday's 24-17 win over the lowly, lowly New York Suck-Ball Giants. Marshawn Lynch had his best game since coming out of retirement, carrying the rock for 101 yards on 17 carries - including a 51-yard touchdown scamper. And even without Amari Cooper or Michael Crabtree in the lineup, Derek Carr still managed to rack up some big numbers - he finished the outing 22 for 36 for 287 yards and one TD pass.

#19

Buffalo Bills (6-6)

Season Point Differential: -56

The Bills never really showed up in their demoralizing 23-3 loss to the Patriots. T-Mobile (9 for 18, 65 yards, one INT) exited the game with an injury, and Nathan Peterman (six for 15, 50 yards, no TDs) hardly played any better. But on the bright side, at least LeSean McCoy did his part to make fantasy football players happy, as he finished the game with 93 yards on 15 carries.

#20

Cincinnati Bengals (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -19

At the beginning of the second quarter, the Bengals had an improbable 17-0 lead on the Steelers. Alas, the Bengals still being the Bungles, they proceeded to piss away their two touchdown-plus lead en route to a 23-20 Monday night loss. All things considered, though, Andy Dalton did alright, I suppose - he wrapped up the game 21 for 36 for 234 yards and two TD passes.

#21

New York Jets (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -22

The Jets scored a huge upset against the Chiefs this weekend, besting K.C. 38-31 in a thriller. Josh McCown went 26 for 36 for 331 yards and one touchdown pass, while the Jets' backfield combined for 157 yards and three scrambling scores. Of course, the Jets' pass defense is still atrocious - as evident by the fact they let Alex Smith scorch 'em for 366 yards and four TD passes.

#22

Washington Redskins (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -42

Kirk Cousins had a so-so performance in the Redskins' 38-14 loss to the Cowboys. He went 26 for 37 for 251 yards and a two-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, while the run game completely sputtered out. The best Washington could do running the rock was 56, with rookie Samaje Perine leading the pack with 38 yards on 12 carries. Meanwhile, the rushing defense totally took the night off, easily allowing the Dallas backfield to trample all over 'em for 182 yards.

#23

Miami Dolphins (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -89

The Dolphins pretty much poached the Broncos Sunday, destroying Denver 35-9. Oddly enough, it was Miami's defense that won 'em this ballgame, as the Fins capitalized on a pick six toss from Trevor Siemian and not just one but TWO safeties to begin and end the contest. And if you're wondering how Jay Cutler fared, he did just OK: 18 for 31 for 235 yards, two TD passes and two interceptions.

#24

Arizona Cardinals (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -91

The season-long blues continue for Arizona following their 32-16 loss to the Rams. Despite THE BLAINE GABBERT going 18 for 32 for 221 yards and a TD pass, he also threw two costly interceptions (including a pick six) and got sacked SIX times for a cumulative 27-yard loss. But Larry Fitzgerald did have a pretty good showing, at least - the veteran receiver concluded the outing with 98 yards and one TD on ten catches.

TFW you know it's your last day on the job.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Houston Texans (4-8)

Season Point Differential: -13

Not surprisingly, Houston dropped Sunday's game against the Titans 24-13. What is surprising, however, are Tom Savage's numbers. The Texans' backup QB went 31 for 49 for 365 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split - in the process, more than doubling Marcus Mariota's total aerial production. Of course, the Texans' run game sputtered out entirely, however, ultimately getting outpaced by Tennessee 198 yards to 53.

#26

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8)

Season Point Differential: -45

Tampa Bay dropped another close one over the weekend - this one, a 26-20 loss to Green Bay in O.T. The big news is that Jameis Winston is officially back in the rotation, and he didn't look too shabby in the loss; at the final horn, he went 21 for 32 for 270 yards and two touchdown passes - both of which landed in the arms of Cameron Brate, whose only two catches of the day resulted in points on the scoreboard.

#27

Chicago Bears (3-9)

Season Point Differential: -76

Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky had a terrible outing in Sunday's 15-14 loss to San Fran. At the final horn, he went 12 for 15 on pass attempts for a paltry 102 yards - which, factoring in sacks - can be reduced to only 85 yards on the day. And the run game wasn't there to bail out the anemic pass attack, either; the best the Bears' backs could muster was 62 yards on the ground, with Jordan Howard producing a scant 38 yards on 13 carries.

#28

Denver Broncos (3-9)

Season Point Differential: -109

Trevor Siemian had a day to forget in the Broncos' 35-9 loss to the Dolphins. He went 19 for 41 for 200 yards, but since he got sacked thrice, the net yardage rolls back to just 167. Oh, and he lobbed three interceptions, including one that got returned to the house for six easy points on Miami's side of the scoreboard. Shit, with a game like that, Paxton Lynch might see another start before the season's over after all.

#29

Indianapolis Colts (3-9)

Season Point Differential: -125

The Colts got their blue and white asses kicked Sunday, falling to Jacksonville 30-10. Old Whisker Biscuit went 21 or 36 in the losing bid, ultimately finishing the game with 174 yards, one touchdown and two interceptions. Oddly enough, though, the Colts did indeed outyard the Jags on the ground; at the final horn, Indianapolis had 141 rushing yards, compared to Jacksonville's 96 (which, unlike the Colts' ground production, however, came with one TD attached.)

#30

San Francisco 49ers (2-10)

Season Point Differential: -96

Yeah, the Niners only beat the Bears by one point Sunday, but when you're a 1-10 team, you'll take positive integers on the left hand side of the W-L column anyway you can get 'em. Jimmy Garoppolo went 26 for 37 for 293 yards, no touchdowns and one interception in the 15-14 win, with receivers Marquise Goodwin and Trent Taylor each reeling in 90 plus reception yards a piece. And holy shit, did SF's defense look marvelous, holding Chicago to only 102 yards passing and just 62 running the ball.

#31

New York Giants (2-10)

Season Point Differential: -102

Well, the Geno Smith experiment wasn't exactly a rousing success for the Giants. Eli's replacement went 21 for 34 for 200 yards and one TD pass in New York's 24-17 loss to Oakland, while the G-Men got outgained on the ground by the Raiders by a 119 yards to 65 yards margin. Unsurprisingly, head coach Ben McAdoo got McFired the day after the game; We'll see how interim H.C. Steve Spagnuolo fares over the remaining four games on the schedule, but if I was a betting man, I'd definitely gamble the farm that The Spag won't be calling the shots on the sidelines for N.Y. next season. And while we're making predictions on who will and who won't be on the Giants' sideline in 2018, I'd venture to guess old Eli won't be a locker room presence no more, either.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-12)

Season Point Differential: -132

Another week, another loss for the Browns. This time around, their most recent L came in the form of a shockingly close 19-10 defeat against the Chargers, in a game that saw DeShone Kizer go 15 for 32 for 215 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. Rumors abound that the Browns are already in "talks" with UCLA's Josh Rosen to be their first round draft pick - and yes, people are already telling him to not sign with them, even if it does cost him a rookie year paycheck.

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2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 9!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"Let the 20-team race for four wildcard playoffs slots commence!"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (8-1)

Season Point Differential: +104

Philadelphia was hitting the end zone so often during their 51-23 drubbing of Denver the in-house pyrotechnics crew actually ran out of celebratory fireworks. Carson Wentz went 15 for 27 for 199 yards and four touchdown passes, with top receiver Alshon Jefferey finishing the game with 84 yards and two scores on just six receptions. And Jay Ajayi looked great in his first game as an Eagle, collecting 77 yards and one TD run on the day.

#02

Los Angeles Rams (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +108

Jared Goff had his best day as a pro football player ever Sunday, as he led the Rams to a hilarious 51-17 demolition of the Giants. Goff managed to rack up 311 yards and four touchdowns passes during the game, and even more amazingly, he manged to do so completing only 14 passes. And fantasy football players were probably happy with Todd Gurley's performance - he finished the blowout with 59 yards and two touchdowns on 16 carries.

#03

New Orleans Saints (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +66

Starting the season off 0-2, not only did it look like New Orleans was destined for a dismal year, they were on pace to put up the WORST defensive numbers in NFL history. Well, flash forward six weeks later and New Orleans is on a six game winning streak and their D isn't just holding steady, it looked downright DOMINANT against the Bucs over the weekend. In the Saints' 30-10 win, they managed to hold Jameis Winston and Ryan Fitzpatrick to 113 yard combined and limited Tampa Bay's rushing production to a ho-hum 87 yards on the day.  

#04

Minnesota Vikings (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +44

The Vikes had a bye last week and return this Sunday for a one o'clock scrap against the Redskins (local time, of course.) It's pretty amazing to think that Case Keenum and Latavius Murray could be taking the team further than Teddy Bridgewater and Adrian Peterson ever did, especially considering how, well, underwhelming their actual stats are. Thus far in the season Keenum has racked up 1,610 passing yards, seven touchdowns and three interceptions, while Murray has only carried the rock 78 times for 249 yards, one TD and 9 first downs.

#05

New England Patriots (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +37

The Patriots were out of action last week but they'll be back this weekend for a Sunday night road contest against the free-falling Denver Broncos. It's no surprise, but Tom Brady is currently leading the League in passing yards with 2,541 at the midpoint of the season. Alas, as good as their offense may be (they lead the League with 411.1 yards a game), their defense remains the bottom of the barrel; allowing 417 yards a contest, there's no denying the Pats have the WORST 'D' in pro football.

#06

Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +36

Yep, the Steelers were out of action last week, too - they'll be back on the gridiron this Sunday afternoon for a road game against the Colts. Offensively, the Steelers are pretty well set, with top receiver Antonio Brown leading the League in receiving yards and back Le'Veon Bell posting the third most rushing yards in the NFL thus far. And their defense is quite underrated, too: allowing 286.6 yards a game, they currently have the fifth-ranked D in the League.

#07

Kansas City Chiefs (6-3)

Season Point Differential: +45

Although Alex Smith had good numbers - 25 for 34 for 263 yards, two TDs and his very first INT of the season - the Cowboys still drubbed the Chiefs Sunday 28-17. Methinks a lot of that can be blamed on Kansas City's approach to the run game; after all, their defense DID let the Cowboys backfield collect 131 yards and two end zone visits, while their own rushing attack could only muster a paltry 68 on the day - with star running back Kareem Hunt finishing the game with just 37 yards on nine carries.

#08

Carolina Panthers (6-3)

Season Point Differential: +9

The defense let 'em hang in there late, but the Panthers nonetheless held on to a 20-17 win against NFC South rivals Atlanta. Cam Newton didn't do a whole lot passing the ball - he went 13 for 24 for 137 yards and no TD passes - but he did scramble like a motherfucker, ultimately collecting 86 yards and one touchdown on nine carries. Alas, somebody give this guy a crash course on how to make analogies - sorry, Cam, but comparing your offense to the fuckin' Titanic isn't exactly the best way to inspire your teammates.

Give Jalen Ramsey some credit - I never would've thought of using a fireman's carry to escape from a rear naked choke.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Jacksonville Jaguars (5-3)

Season Point Differential: +89

Jacksonville's defense continues to impress, as they held the Bengals to just one TD in Saturday's 23-7 win. "Sacksonville" - in case you're wondering, this is the sound I make every time I hear that - limited Andy Dalton to just 136 yards passing and, despite giving up one Joe Mixon TD, ultimately cut off the Bengals' rushing attack at an absurdly low 29 yards. Oh, and Jalen Ramsey almost became the first NFL player in history to get choked out on the gridiron - this, you HAVE to see.

#10

Dallas Cowboys (5-3)

Season Point Differential: +48

Sunday's 28-17 victory over Kansas City makes it three wins in a row for the Cowboys. Dak Prescott had a hell of a game, going 21 for 33 for 249 yards and two touchdowns - plus another 27 yards as a carrier, complete with an additional rushing TD. But while you're too busy hugging his nuts, do not sleep on receiver Terrence Williams - with 141 yards on just nine catches, this dude could be a huge breakout player heading into the second half of the season.

#11

Seattle Seahawks (5-3)

Season Point Differential: +40

Even though they got upset at home 17-14 by the visiting Redskins, the Seahawks still posted some fairly respectable numbers. Russell Wilson went 24 for 45 for 297 yards and two touchdowns, but then again, he DID throw two interceptions, as well. But his 77 yards on the ground was pretty impressive - even though neither he or anyone else on the team could whiff end zone while carrying the rock.

#12

Buffalo Bills (5-3)

Season Point Differential: +25

The Bills' wildly inconsistent play continued Thursday night as they got beat 34-21 by AFC East rivals New York. T-Mobile went 29 for 40 for 285 yards and two touchdowns, plus he ran for another 35 yards and one scrambling TD. Alas, that was about it for the team's rushing production; the Bills could only muster 63 yards running the ball, while their highly touted defense let the Jets stomp 'em half to death for 194 yards on the ground and three rushing TDs.

#13

Tennessee Titans (5-3)

Season Point Differential: -12

The minimalist Titans continue to roll, securing a 23-20 win over the Ravens last Sunday. Marcus Mariota went 19 for 28 for 218 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, while Derrick Henry collected one rushing TD and 26 yards on eight carries. That makes it three victories in a row for Tennessee - they have an opportunity to extend their winning ways (and, by proxy, their lead in the AFC South divisional standings) when they host Cincinnati this weekend.

#14

Detroit Lions (4-4)

Season Point Differential: +20

Matt Stafford became the youngest player in NFL history to record 200 touchdown passes in Monday night's 30-17 win on the road against Green Bay. The former Georgia QB finished the game 26 for 33 for 361 yards and two touchdown passes, with wide outs Golden Tate and Marvin Jones, Jr. each reeling in more than 100 receiving yards apiece. The team now has a chance to break .500 this weekend - and since they're hosting the Browns, yeah, they'll probably do just that.

#15

Atlanta Falcons (4-4)

Season Point Differential: -2

At 4-4, I think it's safe to say the Super Bowl hangover is in full effect for the Falcons. In the team's latest outing - a 20-17 loss to Carolina - last year's MVP Matt Ryan went 24 for 38 for 313 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT split. Not bad, but both sides of Atlanta's run game were atrocious; not only did their D let Carolina collect 201 yards and two touchdowns on the ground, their own rushing attack could only accumulate 53 yards and no scores all day long.

#16

Green Bay Packers (4-4)

Season Point Differential: -10

Well, the good news is that backup QB Brett Hundley recorded 245 yards and no interceptions against the Lions Monday night. The bad news is he didn't lob any TD passes, either, and the Packers ultimately succumbed to Detroit 30-17. He did, however, manage to sprint for 22 yards and even record a scrambling TD - which, demonstrating how bad Green Bay's rushing attack is these days, made him the second most productive running back for the team.

I guarantee you that, for as long as you live, you will NEVER see anything this fat ever again.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Washington Redskins (4-4)

Season Point Differential: -17

Give the Redskins credit - it ain't easy beating Seattle on the road, and sure as sugar, they managed to upset the Seahawks 17-14. Kirk Cousins went 21 for 31 for 247 yards, but recorded no passing touchdowns. Thankfully, the Skins' rushing attack was able to sniff enemy end zone twice, with Rob Kelly recording two crucial touchdown runs on the day.

#18

Arizona Cardinals (4-4)

Season Point Differential: -62

Drew Stanton looked pretty good in the Cards' 20-10 win over the Niners. He went 15 for 30 for 201 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT split, while Adrian Peterson tore it up for 159 yards (but no touchdowns) on 37 carries. The run defense wasn't too shabby, either, holding Carlos Hyde to just 41 yards on the day; alas, their pass defense was a whole different story, allowing C.J. Beathard to rack up nearly 300 yards in the air.

#19

Miami Dolphins (4-4)

Season Point Differential: -63

Even with Jay Cutler racking up 311 yards and three touchdown passes, the Fins' D just couldn't keep the Raiders out of their end zone in Sunday night's 27-24 loss. Nor could Miami's rushing game do much to add points to the scoreboard, as they wrapped up the game with 86 yards on the ground but no TDs. Boy, you think these guys are kinda' regretting trading Jay Ajayi now?

#20

Baltimore Ravens (4-5)

Season Point Differential: +19

Joe Flacco's inconsistent play continues to plague the Ravens. In Sunday's 23-20 loss to the Titans, he went 34 for 52 for 261 yards, two touchdowns and two costly interceptions. With ten INTS on the year, Flacco is tied with Trevor Siemian for most interceptions lobbed this season. In case you are wondering, only DeShone Kizer and Cam Newton have registered more interceptions so far in the 2017 campaign.

#21

New York Jets (4-5)

Season Point Differential: -16

Following their 34-21 win over Buffalo, the Jets - believe it or not - are in the thick of a wild and woolly playoff race that, at this juncture, consists of pretty much every team in the AFC that ain't called "the Browns." Running back Matt Forte had one his best performances in quite some time Thursday night; he finished the outing with 77 yards and two rushing touchdowns on 14 carries, while over-performing QB Josh McCown wrapped up the game 14 for 20 for 140 yards and one passing TD - and, amazingly, one rushing touchdown.

#22

Oakland Raiders (4-5)

Season Point Differential: -18

It was a must-win game for the Raiders and sure enough, they pulled out the W in a 27-24 victory over the Dolphins in south Florida. Derek Carr went 21 for 30 for 300 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, with Jared Cook leading all receivers in the game with 126 yards on eight catches. Oh, and Marshawn Lynch, just one week removed from suspension for grabbing a referee, notched up 57 yards on 14 carries ... and two rushing touchdowns to go along with 'em. As always, if you missed the game as it happened, you can check out our LIVE coverage of the tilt anytime you want right here.

#23

Houston Texans (3-5)

Season Point Differential: +21

With a fluke ACL tear ending DeShaun Watson's season, Tom Savage wasn't up to task to salvaging the 2017 campaign as Houston fell to Indianapolis 20-14 over the weekend. The Savage one wrapped up the game 19 for 44 for 219 yards and one TD pass, but you might as well scale that production back to 194 yards if you factor in the yardage lost to sacks. Eating an additional eight post-release hits, we'll see just how long Savage lasts before entering a concussion protocol - I've got the over/under at plus or minus two weeks, personally.

#24

Los Angeles Chargers (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -2

The Chargers were out of action last week but they'll be back in action Sunday for a tough road test against the Jags. Averaging 332.8 yards per game, the Chargers have the League's 17th-ranked offense at the midway point of the season. Allowing 337 yards a contest, their defense is currently ranked 19th overall.

Now THAT's how you become a role model to millions of impressionable young children.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Cincinnati Bengals (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -29

The Bengals offense COMBINED could only muster 165 yards against the Jaguars in Sunday's 23-7 loss. Meanwhile, the Jags' passing yardage was easily double that of Cincy, and their ground production was literally FIVE times greater than the Bengals' rushing attack. But on the plus side, at least Cincinnati's A.J. Green got an opportunity to demonstrate the proper way to sink in a rear naked choke on somebody wearing a football helmet ... 

#26

Chicago Bears (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -37

The Bears went into hibernation for their bye, but they'll emerge from their one week hiatus for a home stand against Green Bay this Sunday. With eight games behind 'em, the Bears currently rank 29th overall in terms of total offense, averaging about 287.6 yards per game. Defensively, though, they fare much better - allowing 312 yards a game, their defense ranks seventh in the League.

#27

Denver Broncos (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -48

After starting off the season 3-1, the Broncos have now lost four games in a row, including Sunday's 51-23 ass-blistering at the hands of the Eagles. Brock Osweiler went 19 for 38 for 208 yards, one TD pass and two interceptions, and the run game completely sputtered out with just 35 yards on the ground for the day. Their rush defense, somehow, was even worse, allowing the Eagles to post 197 rushing yards and three end zone visits.

#28

Indianapolis Colts (3-6)

Season Point Differential: -98

Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett had a respectable outing in the Colts' 20-14 win over the Texans. The ex-Pat (get it?) went 20 for 30 for 308 yards and two touchdown passes, both of which were collected by T.Y. Hilton, who finished the game with 175 yards on only FIVE catches. Indeed, Hilton is the League's second most productive receiver this year, whose 702 total through nine games is second only to Antonio Brown's 835.

#29

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-6)

Season Point Differential: -40

After last Sunday's 30-10 drubbing from the Saints, Tampa Bay's going to let Jameis Winston take a few weeks off while Ryan Fitzpatrick does his damnedest to right the sinking pirate ship. If the numbers he put up last Sunday were any indication, it's probably not going to be a fun season for the Bucs' faithful - he could only muster 68 yards on eight completions and with 30 yards scrambling, was just a few inches away from being the most productive runner in Tampa Bay's backfield.

#30

New York Giants (1-7)

Season Point Differential: -87

Even with Eli Manning lobbing the rock for 220 yards and two touchdowns and the rushing attack racking up 111 yards on the day, the Giants STILL got their asses kicked 51-17 by the Rams. The Giants ultimately gave up three turnovers in the contest and by the time the fourth quarter started, it was already a 48-10 wash. Although not mathematically eliminated from playoffs consideration, everybody in that front office knows this season is an absolute disaster - expect PLENTY of management and personnel changes in the offseason, if not even by the time Thanksgiving gets here.

#31

Cleveland Browns (0-8)

Season Point Differential: -83

After a bye last week, the Browns return to (in)action Sunday for a road trip to Detroit. It's no surprise that the Browns' offense is pretty bad - indeed, with an average of 301.3 yards a game, they rank 28th overall - but (and this was just as shocking to me as it will be to you), Cleveland actually POSSESSES A TOP TEN DEFENSE AT THE MIDPOINT OF THE SEASON. Allowing an average of 313.5 yards per game, Cleveland ranks 9th in total NFL defense - which is doubly surprising, seeing as how they rank 28th in points allowed per game with 25.3

#32

San Francisco 49ers (0-9)

Season Point Differential: -96

The Niners are the first team to officially post a losing season in 2017, as their 20-10 loss to Arizona makes it nine L's in a row. Thankfully, San Fran has their biggest opportunity of the year to notch up a W when the lowly, lowly New York Giants come to town this Sunday; and if you just so happen to miss that one when it airs live, don't worry - rumor has it the whole game will be screened indefinitely as the placeholder program on all of hell's public TV monitors.

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