Your Guide to the 2017 Atlanta Mayoral Race

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution and Creative Loafing can eat shit - this is the ONLY field guide to the 2017 Atlanta mayoral race than ANY informed voter needs to take a gander at.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Well, it's over guys. After seven beautiful, brilliant and unquestionably moving years as Atlanta's mayor, our beloved Kasim Reed is indeed resigning from his post. Now, some have suggested that his step down from power was because he thought Hillary Clinton was going to get elected and give him a cushy cabinet position and the whole deal has been in the works for easily a year or two now, anyway. But that, as we all know, is pure and utter bullshit, not because I have empirical evidence that it's untrue, but because it doesn't gel with my own identity politics biases and that's close enough to "objectively false" any damn way. (And yes, I know he's limited to just terms, you autistic sticks in the mud.)

You know, it's hard to think of just one memorable Kasim Reed moment. There was that time he got mad at Black Lives Matter protesters for blocking I-75 traffic, which culminated with him saying you never saw Martin Luther King obstructing Spaghetti Junction and they all ought to be ashamed of themselves. Then there's all the times he used police escorts to clear traffic when he was making runs to Publix and Burger King. Or that time he took $90,000 out of the city's coffers to visit South Africa, just because he could. But in an illustrious tenure filled to the brim with exciting bribery scandals and even more failing schools than we once thought possible and the occasional homeless crackhead setting highways on fire, there's certainly more than enough room for Reed's successor to carry on his proud, noble work as commander-in-chief of this, the city too busy to hate (or fix its sewer system, for that matter.)

Next Tuesday Atlanta's going to hold its first rounds of votin' for the city's next mayor. Indeed, this may be the first time Atlanta's had a non-black mayor since 1974, and perhaps the first time it's had a white female mayor ever. Considering there are no less than nine different candidates on the ballot, that means its almost a guarantee that no one contender is going to get a 50 percent-plus share of the vote, which in turn promises us at least one runoff later this year. Now, you could turn to some local shit rag like the AJC (owned by a family whose political values are "we're rich and white as fuck and hate police and the military") or, sigh, Creative Loafing, whose gritty, flimsy paper stock doesn't even make it suitable as emergency T.P., or you could let old Jimbo - who's pretty much lived his whole life in and around Atlanta - give you the real lowdown on all these folks with mayoral aspirations.

Below you'll find a quick write-up letting you know everything you need to know about the nine people bidding to be Atlanta's next mayor, including why they're kinda' famous, the most disastrous political fuck-up they've committed to date, all the campaign promises they're destined to break as soon as they enter office and a succinct, pithy one-liner why you shouldn't vote for any of 'em early next week. Oh, and I also took it upon myself to drum up some hypothetical campaign slogans for these pricks and prickettes - maybe if you fucks woulda' hired me as a campaign consultant, you'd be polling out of the single digits by now.

What do you mean he's racist? Don't you see how well he treats his pickaninnies?

Peter Aman

"Don't vote for a man ... vote for AMAN."

Biggest Claim To Fame: He was the city's chief operating officer for like, two years.

Biggest Scandal To Date: He's spent most of his career working for Bain & Company. Yep, that Bain & Company.

General Policy Overview: "We have got to find a way to get all those coloreds out of downtown so we can pave the Bluff into a parking lot for the new Amazon headquarters."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: He's a fat white guy who thinks fruity electronic bicycles are the solution to Atlanta's traffic woes.

If elected, she promises to be quieter in movie theaters.

Keisha Lance Bottoms

"Hillary Clinton ...  now in black."

Biggest Claim To Fame: She's been a member of the Atlanta City Council for eight years.

Biggest Scandal To Date: She authored an ordinance that banned panhandlers from begging for money within 15 feet of any building entrance or exit in town ... complete with a 90 day jail sentence for repeat offenders.

General Policy Overview: "I'm a proud black woman who can't wait to sell out my proud, Nubian brothers and sisters to rich, white land developers from out of state."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: Simple - Kasim Reed gave her his seal of approval.

A man so white, he makes Shaun King look like Wesley Snipes by comparison.

John Eaves

"No for real, I'm black ... it's just the lighting."

Biggest Claim To Fame: He's the former chair of the Fulton County Commission (and also, the lightest-skinned black dude who has ever lived.)

Biggest Scandal To Date: He took bribes from county contractors to go on "youth leadership" trips to China, Turkey, Brazil, South Africa and Germany.

General Policy Overview: "I'm going to help fight homelessness and economic disparities ... LOL, J/K, I'm going to try and get as many contractor kickbacks as I can." 

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: If this guy doesn't give a fuck how shitty his own campaign website looks, just imagine the effort he'd put into revitalizing the west side of town.

You know, for people who are allegedly destitute, they sure aren't hurtin' for meals, it appears ...

Vincent Fort

"May the Fort be with you." (no, for fucking real)

Biggest Claim To Fame: He's been a state senator for 20 fuckin' years and has spent the better part of the decade playing the Nas to Kasim Reed's Jay-Z.

Biggest Scandal To Date: He once compared Kasim Reed to Bull Connor, tried to convince voters a Democratic opponent in 2010 was secretly a Republican spy and he's a damn Yankee.

General Policy Overview: "It's time we gave the same inept bureaucracies responsible for the Atlanta Street Car more power over local private enterprise."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: He's endorsed by both communist LARPER Bernie Sanders and ex-Georgia Gov. Roy Barnes, who spent half his stint in office trying to change the state flag instead of effectively managing the economy, combating drug trafficking, solving the metro-area's transportation woes, etc ... 

"There you go, Holmes. I know you'd probably prefer having a cure for AIDS and me arresting the people who set your cardboard tent on fire, but all I can get for you right now are these oranges."

Kwanza Hall

"Kwanza comes early this year ... and maybe yo' wife, too, if I get my hands on her." 

Biggest Claim To Fame: He was on the city's board of education for a few years and he's been a city councilor since 2005. 

Biggest Scandal To Date: He was instrumental in bringing the Beltline to town - i.e., that utterly worthless bicycle trail that was supposed to bring affordable housing to Atlanta, but so far has done nothing but push more poor people into the exurbs.

General Policy Overview: "We need better policing to keep heroin dealers and gangbangers off the street, but we also need the middle class to pay for their free tuition at Clark Atlanta as part of my proposed From The Streets to the HBC's initative." 

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: He wants to decriminalize marijuana, he thinks global warming is "suspicious" and he probably stole half a million from his city council campaign war chest.

Well, he certainly wins the award for thiccest candidate, that's for sure.

Ceasar Mitchell

"Hey hey hey, it's Fat Albert Ceasar Mitchell!"

Biggest Claim To Fame: He was the president of the Atlanta City Council for seven years, which is kinda' like being the back-up mayor. He was also the chair of the city's Public Safety Committee, which - judging from his impressive waistline - probably had a LOT of free candy at meetings. 

Biggest Scandal To Date: He's committed so many ethic violations that Kasim Reed took out billboards listing all of 'em ... right across the street from Mitchell's own office.

General Policy Overview: "I will do everything in my power to shine a light on the horrible systemic racial injustices of our city - you know, like our city council that has a grand total of one white guy on it and a pronounced statistical overrepresentation of black women."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: He's too busy ordering campaigners to steal his political opponents' yard signs to effectively micro-manage Atlanta's $363 billion economy.

You know a great way to connect with working-class voters? A campaign ad that explicitly reiterates your candidate is so rich, she can keep buying as many designer high heels as she wants.

Mary Norwood

"Come on ... you know you want me to be your Dolores Umbridge."

Biggest Claim To Fame: She's been a city councilor since 2001 and almost beat Kasim Reed in the 2009 mayoral elections.

Biggest Scandal To Date: She snuck into a fundraiser so she could get a photo op with John Lewis and promptly got her ass kicked the fuck out.

General Policy Overview: "I believe in safety, prosperity, sustainability and transparency ... and if we can get those with fewer nig-nogs in town, even better."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: She's a white woman who believes in fiscal austerity and doesn't believe the city's cops disproportionately target blacks - which, of course, is code word for "day of the rope, 1488, all day, every day."

Well, if anybody can relate to the blight of impoverished African American men in Atlanta's most crime-infested neighborhoods, it's definitely an elderly white lesbian who unironically wears Crocs.

Cathy Woolard

"I'm so queer, I shit rainbow-colored Melissa Etheridge silhouettes."

Biggest Claim To Fame: She's been on the city council since 1997 and is the first openly gay elected official in state history - even though we all know Hoke Smith probably sucked at least one or two dicks back in his day.

Biggest Scandal To Date: Her entire campaign is literally being financed by The Homosexual Agenda made flesh.

General Policy Overview: "Golly gee, wouldn't it be great if Atlanta elected its first lesbian mayor, huh guys? Boy, I bet that would show all those BIGOTS outside the perimeter who's boss and probably get us an article in The Huffington Post and a lot of Facebook likes."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: Instead of listing policy stances and details on her economic, transportation and affordable housing stances, her three "most important" reasons for voting for her are all permutations of "because I eat pussy, that's why."

So, uh, isn't voting for a candidate simply because they're gay every bit as supremacist as voting for a candidate simply because they're white? Don't answer that - ever, if you know what's good for you and your livelihood.

Sheesh, what a horrid line-up of would-be mayors, no? All nine of those clods aren't worthy of holding my nutsack while I piss, let alone the highest office in the M.S.A. As a matter of fact, these candidates are all so terrible that I think the only moral thing for residents of Atlanta to do is to write-in an un-nominated mayoral pick. And after careful deliberation, I've decided that there's only one man qualified enough to represent us, the working people of Atlanta and its adjacent communities. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man who SHOULD be the next mayor of Atlanta ... 

That's right, Curtis Snow, star of the great 2011 "found-footage" faux-documentary (or is it?) Snow on the Bluff. I mean, if there's anybody who ought to be trusted with Atlanta's most pressing social issues - gentrification, opioid addiction, overstressed public infrastructure, failing school systems and rampant city hall corruption - it's a guy who once had his jugular split open with a box cutter and caused a SWAT standoff at his grandfather's funeral.

Indeed, I can't think of a single Atlantan more capable of dealing with the complexities of micro-managing the careful balance between global economics and local community improvement than an ex crack-dealer that a made a movie about himself robbing heroin dealers at gunpoint with military style weapons and committing drive-bys on people simply because he didn't like the color of their hats.

It's a cliche, I know, but Curtis Snow is the savior Atlanta may not want, but he's certainly the political firebrand we deserve. Besides, it's a lot better knowing the mayor IS a convicted felon and con artist before we put 'em in office - which is a reassuring notion you definitely can't say about the nine mainstream candidates on the ballot this Tuesday.

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2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 8!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"The League Goes Full Russo"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (7-1)

Season Point Differential: +76

The Eagles are still flying high following their 33-10 beatdown of the 49ers over the weekend. Carson Wentz - who, at this point in the season, could be a legit MVP candidate - went 18 for 32 for 211 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception, while the Eagles' running back committee (led by Corey Clement with 54 yards and 10 carries) racked up 112 yards and one score on the ground. Expect that rushing attack to get even more potent with the addition of ex-Dolphin Jay Ajayi, whom Miami traded to Philadelphia earlier this week for only a fourth round draft pick.

#02

Kansas City Chiefs (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +56

In their 29-19 win over the Broncos, Kansas City managed to force five turnovers, including three interceptions off Trevor Siemian and two fumbles off Jamaal Charles and Isaiah McKenzie. Alex Smith went 14 for 31 for 202 yards and one TD pass, but the Chiefs' run production was shockingly low; with just 46 yards on 22 carries, has the much ballyhooed Kareem Hunt hype train finally run out of steam?

#03

Minnesota Vikings (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +44

In a freshly Aaron Rodgers-less division, the Vikes continue to roll (or is that sail?) with an easy 33-16 win over the Browns. Case Keenum went 27 for 43 for 288 yards, two touchdowns and one interception, with top receiver Adam Thielen registering 98 yards and one TD haul on five catches. Alas, the run defense might need a little work; the Vikings let the Browns outgain them on the ground 115 to 88 yards and two rushing TDs to uno. 

#04

New England Patriots (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +37

Tom Brady has another great game in the Pats' 18-13 win over the Chargers. Tom Terrific concluded the game 32 for 47 for 333 yards and one TD pass, with top receiver James White leading the herd with 85 yards on five catches. Still, questions abound about the team's ability to stop the run; at the final horn, New England could only post 97 yards on the ground, while their defense allowed L.A. to collect 157 rushing yards and one Melvin Gordon TD.

#05

Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +36

The Steelers prevailed over the Lions Sunday night, besting Detroit 20-15. Big Ben went 17 for 31 for 317 yards and a one-to-one TD/INT split, with receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster coming out of nowhere to rack up 193 yards and one TD haul on just seven receptions. Still, this team's pass protection is pure dookie - at the final horn, Pittsburgh's D let Matt Stafford drop 423 aerial yards on 'em, although to the Steelers' credit, none of them resulted in end zone hauls.

#06

Los Angeles Rams (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +74

The Rams took a breather over the weekend and will re-emerge this Sunday for a 1 P.M. clash with the Giants. While a lot has been made of Jared Goff's greatly improved passing stats and the team's consistently productive rushing attack, maybe it's the Rams' special teams play that's made them such a surprisingly solid squad thus far in the season? Heading into week nine, L.A. is ranked number one in the League in kickoff return yards (507), averaging about 29.8 yards per return. And with 21 successful field goals on the year, the Rams are tied with Minnesota and Kansas City for the NFL's most productive three point offense.

#07

New Orleans Saints (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +46

While the Bears' defense may have held Drew Brees to a relatively low 299 yards on 23 completions, the Saints' rushing attack managed to add points to the board when New Orleans' passing game couldn't. In the 20-12 win, Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara combined for 103 rushing yards and two touchdowns on the ground, while New Orleans' defense held Mitch The Bitch to just 164 yards on the day - which you can roll back to 150 if you factor in the two times the Saints' D sacked his ass.

#08

Seattle Seahawks (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +43

Down 38-34 in the final minute of the game, Russell Wilson managed to hit Jimmy Graham on an 18-yard pass with just 21 seconds left in regulation to lift the Seahawks to a come-from-behind 41-38 victory. Speaking of Wilson, he finished the game 26 for 41, 452 yards and four touchdown passes, with receivers Tyler Lockett and Paul Richardson each collecting 100-plus yards on the day. It's a good thing Wilson brought his A+ passing game, because this team's rushing offense was just the pits; while allowing Houston 142 rushing yards, the best Seattle could muster on the ground was a scant 33 yards.

White men may not be able to jump, but they sure can catch like a motherfucker.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Buffalo Bills (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +38

In a sloppy, rainy home-stand, the Bills managed to force four fumbles off the Raiders, with Matt Milano recovering a live ball 40 yards for pay dirt in the waning moments of the second quarter. In the 34-14 blowout, T-Mobile went 20 for 27 for 165 yards and one TD pass (plus one scrambling touchdown) while LeSean McCoy managed to run for 151 yards and one score on 27 carries. And the run defense was dynamite, as the Bills were able to hold Oakland to a measly 54 yards on the ground all day long. 

#10

Carolina Panthers (5-3)

Season Point Differential: +6

In a defensive standstill, the Panthers' offense proved slightly more productive than Tampa Bay, as Carolina bumped off the Bucs 17-3 over the weekend. Cam Newton went 18 for 32 for 154 yards and a one-to-one TD/INT split (plus another 44 yards scrambling) with - of all people - running back Christian McCaffery leading the team in reception yards with 49 on five catches. And give the Panthers' D some props - they did managed to force three turnovers out of Jameis Winston, including one recovered fumble and two interceptions.

#11

Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +73

Jacksonville had a bye over the weekend and will return Sunday for a home stand against the Bengals. At the almost halfway-point of the season, Jacksonville is the number one pass defense in the League, having held their opponents to just 161.7 aerial yards per game. Furthermore, their 15.7 points allowed average is the lowest in the NFL, and with 33 on the season, Jacksonville is far and away the League leader in sacks ... which, begrudgingly, makes their terrible, terrible nickname "Sacksonville" a rare case of pro sports truth-in-advertising. 

#12

Dallas Cowboys (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +37

First, the good news for the Cowboys. Sunday, the bested their arch rivals Washington 33-19, in a game that saw Ezekiel Elliot collect 150 yards and two rushing touchdowns on 33 carries. The bad news? Well, that six game ban for Elliot finally takes effect this weekend, so Dallas won't have him in the backfield until damn near Christmas. So is Dak Prescott's 143 yards, 14-for-22 on completions performance alone going to be enough to carry the Cowboys through the months of November and early December? Eh ... we'll see, folks.

#13

Green Bay Packers (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +3

The Packers had a bye last week and will re-enter the fray Monday for a home stand against the Lions. With Brett Hundley taking over quarterback duties, the Packers are on a 0-2 skid, and considering his lackluster performance thus far (244 passing yards, one touchdown and four interceptions over the course of eight quarters), one has to wonder if Green Bay wouldn't be in the market for a free agent acquisition if the losing streak continues. Hey - the two Kellens are still unsigned, guys ...

#14

Atlanta Falcons (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +1

It was a close one, but the Falcons still managed to outlast the Jets 25-20. Matt Ryan went 18 for 29 for 254 yards and two touchdown passes, while the Falcons backfield outran the Jets by a 140-43 yard margin. Still, somebody's got to do something about Matty Ice's ball handling - dude fumbled away the ball three times last Sunday, ultimately turning the ball over to New York twice.

#15

Tennessee Titans (4-3)

Season Point Differential: -15

The Titans had a bye last week and return to the gridiron Sunday for a 1 p.m. showdown against Baltimore. With eight weeks in the books, the Titans are ranked 18th in the League, offense-wise, averaging 326.4 yards per contest. Defensively, they rank 13th, allowing 329.4 yards a game.

#16

Miami Dolphins (4-3)

Season Point Differential: -60

In one of the worst Thursday night games in NFL history - oh, and you better believe that's saying something - the Dolphins rolled over like dead porpoises in a 40-0 loss to the Ravens. Matt Moore could only get 176 yards and two interceptions off 24 completions, and the run game, combining for just 45 yards on the day, likely led to Miami trading Jay Ajayi to the Eagles. But on the plus side? At least the defense was able to knock Joe Flacco out of the game, which I assure you is the ONLY thing about this game people 20 years from now will ever remember about it.

If you pause it at the very last frame, you can literally see Joe Flacco forget how subtraction works.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Baltimore Ravens (4-4)

Season Point Differential: +22

You know, you'd think you'd have something noteworthy to say about a team that butt-fucked another team 40-0 on live, prime time television, but honestly, there isn't a whole let to tell you about the Ravens' blanking of the Dolphins. Before he got hurt, Joe Flacco went 10 for 15 for 101 yards and a TD, and back-up Ryan Mallett could only collect 20 yards (albeit, with a TD throw) on three completions afterwards. So how did the Ravens manage to win this one 40-0? Long answer, short: three back-to-back defensive touchdowns in the fourth quarter, including two pick sixes lobbed by Matt "Fuck This Shit" Moore.

#18

Houston Texans (3-4)

Season Point Differential: +27

Despite the 41-38 comeback win for Seattle, you really can't say anything bad about DeShaun Watson's performance for the Texans. Last Sunday, he went 19 for 30 for 402 yards and four touchdowns, plus another 67 yards collected on the ground. Wait, hold on - remember when I said you can't say anything bad about Watson's performance? Yeah, I temporarily forgot about those three interceptions he lobbed and the five sacks he ate for minus 35 yards on the day ... 

#19

Detroit Lions (3-4)

Season Point Differential: +7

Despite Matt Stafford lobbing the rock for 423 yards, the Lions still couldn't surmount the Steelers, who bested them 20-15 last Sunday night. The problem is that while no less than three Lions' receivers posted at least 80 yards receiving (with Marvin Jones leading the pack with 128), none of them managed to find their way into the Steelers' end zone. Ditto for Detroit's rushing attack, which could only muster 71 yards and no touchdowns on 22 carries.

#20

Cincinnati Bengals (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -13

The lowly Colts gave the only slightly less lowly Bengals all they could handle in Cincy's narrow 24-23 win over Indianapolis. Andy Dalton went 17 for 29 in the affair, finishing the game with 243 yards and two touchdown passes. Credit Carlos Dunlap as the hero of the day for the Bengals; his 16-yard pick six with less than seven minutes left in the fourth gave the Bengals a lead they wouldn't relinquish for the remainder of the game.

#21

Denver Broncos (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -20

The Broncos' sloppy ball handling - which included five turnovers - wasn't the only problem for Denver in their 29-19 loss to the Chiefs last Monday night. Trevor Siemian went 19 for 36 for 198 yards, one TD and three interceptions, while the team's running back committee, despite outrunning K.C. 177 yards to 79, could only post one touchdown on 31 combined carries. And where was the team's supposedly ferocious defense? At the final tally, the Broncos could only muster one measly sack of Alex Smith, and one interception off Tyreek Hill in one of the worst trick plays you'll ever see in your life.

#22

Washington Redskins (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -20

Even with Kirk Cousins going 26 for 39 for a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, the Redskins' hilarious inability to a.) run the ball their damned selves or b.) stop Dallas from effectively and efficiently running the ball cost 'em a tough Sunday afternoon game to the Cowboys. With a run differential of 169 yards to just 49, it's not really surprising Dallas managed to beat Washington 33-19 ... especially when you factor in the four times Cousins got sacked, plus the two additional fumbles the Redskins gift bagged the Cowboys' defense.

#23

Arizona Cardinals (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -72

The Cards took a bye last week and return this Sunday for an intra-NFC tilt against the 49ers. Averaging 333.1 yards per game, the Cardinals' offense is ranked 16th in the League. Allowing 352.7 a contest, their defense ranks 19th overall. Oh, and just so you know - their probable starting quarterback for Sunday's game trains while dressed as Supergirl.

#24

Los Angeles Chargers (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -2

The Chargers kept it close against the Pats, but they nonetheless managed to drop a tough one 18-13. Melvin Gordon's ground production (132 yards and one TD on 14 carries) was nearly 40 more yards than the entire Patriots' backfield could accumulate on the day, but Philip Rivers' play at quarterback was shaky, at best. He finished the game 17 for 30 for 212 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio - and he also got sacked for an astonishing 20-yard loss on one down.

Give Zach Miller some credit - dressing as Sycho Syd for Halloween is a pretty novel idea.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Oakland Raiders (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -21

With Marshawn Lynch, David Amerson and Gareon Conley out for the game - plus Jamize Olawale exiting the game early, and Marquette King clearly not playing at 100 percent - the Raiders marched up to Buffalo and got their asses kicked 34-14. Although Derek Carr eclipsed 300 yards again, he finished the game with a one-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, and the backfield could only muster a puny 54 yards on 14 carries. Rumors are flying that Todd Downing's time as the team's offensive coordinator might not be long for this earth; so will the Raiders try to angle Bill Musgrave back to the team by season's end? Stay tuned, folks - the personnel drama could get thick in a hurry.

#26

New York Jets (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -29

The Jets hung in there, but they still succumbed to the Falcons 25-20 over the weekend. Josh McCown went 26 for 33 for 257 yards and two touchdown passes, but the Jets' run game completely sputtered out. At the final horn, New York could only accumulate 43 yards on the ground, while their defense allowed Atlanta to rack up 140 running the ball.

#27

Chicago Bears (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -37

Despite outgaining the Saints on the ground 157 yards to 101, the Bears nonetheless dropped a tough 'un to New Orleans over the weekend, 20-12. Alas, the only thing people will likely recall about the game is the gruesome leg injury of Zach Miller - who, in the wake of the freaky, stomach-churning accident, might possibly have to have his leg amputated. And adding insult to injury? The apparent touchdown he caught while breaking his leg was overturned by the referees just moments later.

#28

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5)

Season Point Differential: -20

Jameis Winston had a lackluster showing in the Bucs' 17-3 loss to the Panthers. Going 21 for 38 for 210 yards, the former FSU QB couldn't record any TD passes and lobbed two interceptions in addition to fumbling the ball away once. Factor in the three times he got sacked, plus the fact he could only scramble for 13 yards on the day, and you've got to start asking yourself some serious questions about the long-term viability of America's most famous crustacean thief; is the problem just a shitty o-line, or is the real issue the guy with the ball in his hands?

#29

Indianapolis Colts (2-6)

Season Point Differential: -104

Even with Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett going 25 for 39 for 233 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT split (with that one interception ultimately leading to a game-closing pick six), the Colts just couldn't get their offense to whiff end zone. In the 24-23 loss to Cincinnati, the Colts' backfield combined for 115 yards, a sum almost twice the rushing output of their opponents. Alas, Indy couldn't find a way to convert those yards into touchdowns, and as a result? The final score on the billboard really shouldn't surprise anybody.

#30

New York Giants (1-6)

Season Point Differential: -44

The Giants took a breather last week and return this Sunday for a home stand against the Rams. Averaging 296.4 yards a game, the G-Men's offense is ranked 27th overall; allowing 379.4 yards per contest, their defense is ranked 24th in the League. Also of note: averaging 16 points a game, the Giants have the NFL's third worst scoreboard numbers, with only Cleveland and Miami recording fewer points a contest.

#31

Cleveland Browns (0-8)

Season Point Differential: -83

Yep, stop me if you've heard this one before - the Browns lost another game over the weekend. Still, the 0-8 wonders at least kept the game somewhat close, and even led the Vikings 13-12 at halftime. Of course, the Browns still being the Browns, they would give up 17 unanswered points in the final 17 minutes of the game en route to a 33-16 loss, which, in a way, kinda' makes the Browns the reverse Harlem Globetrotters; they always find a way to lose, their opponents make them look like clowns and instead of entertaining the masses with their patented tomfoolery, they do everything in their power to make people in Ohio and abroad hate the game of football. 

#32

San Francisco 49ers (0-8)

Season Point Differential: -86

And following the team's dismal performance against the Eagles Sunday, YOUR San Francisco 49ers have officially eclipsed the Cleveland Browns (whom at least have the decency to stay competitive for a quarter or two) as the absolute WORST team in pro football. In the Niners' 33-10 loss to Philadelphia, C.J. Beathard went 17 for 36 for 167 yards, one TD and two interceptions, in addition to scrambling for 40 pointless yards on six carries. Oh, and he got sacked four times for negative 23 yards, had ten passes deflected and got hit after the throw TWELVE times. Hell, at this rate, it's not like Colin K. is going to make the team any worse - that is, if Kaepernick doesn't get snatched up by the Patriots first ...

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A Round-Up of the Seasonal Foodstuffs of Halloween 2017!

Yep - it's time for our seventh annual wrap-up of the best, weirdest and ickiest seasonally-appropriate, limited-time-only foods, snacks and drinks of the Halloween season. Warning: your eyes may get diabetes from reading this.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

It's officially Halloween, which means I am required by Internet law to wrap up the month of October with an article highlighting the miscellaneous, seasonally-appropriate foodstuffs I've been chewing on and slurping up since late August. 

I've been doing this pretty much every year since 2011, and at this point, I'm kinda' burned out on the concept. For one, there just doesn't seem to be as many out-there, limited-time-only Halloween foods making the grocery store rounds these last couple of years, with many manufacturers simply pumpkin spicing their regular products instead of giving us something worth going out of our ways to try, like solid black Whoppers and Starbucks drinks modeled after Dracula.

Still, there was no shortage of kooky and kitschy seasonal products glutting store shelves and fast food places this Hallow-season, and it would be a disservice to the Internet as a collective to not recap, recount and reminisce on the wacky, whimsical foods and drinks that were. Pry open those trick or treat bags, kiddos - it's time to chow down on last slice of Halloween ephemera 'til next year.

Brach's Football Candy Corn!

OK, so maybe it's not technically Halloween-related, but come on, football and Halloween are pretty much inseparable aspects of the same season, and if we're going to include a whole bunch of random pumpkin spice flavored shit on the list, we might as well include these, too. Some people have a deep aversion to candy corn, but I've always enjoyed it, and for my money, nobody makes it better than Brach's, whose LTO football-shaped candies are certainly no deviation from the brand's overall quality. What's really cool, though, is that each candy tastes different; the brown ones have a milk chocolate taste, the dark brown ones have a dark chocolate flavor and the orange-looking ones have a noticeable caramel tinge to 'em. The visuals are pretty impressive too - I mean, just look at all those divots embedded on the candies, just like a real football! 

Sonic's Pumpkin Pie Master Shake!

So this is an annual seasonal offering from the brand, which I've somehow missed out on the last few years. I've never really tried a pumpkin pie flavored ice cream that tasted even remotely authentic, and this, unfortunately, is no exception. It does, however, get some bonus points for the extra layer of whipped creme and those crunchy, pecan-like flakes up top. All in all, it ain't a bad little shake, even if it is a little bit too subdued - conceptually, aesthetically and nutritionally - for the season.

Apple Pie Oreos!

To be frank, I've gotten tired of writing about LTO Oreos, and I have no earthly clue how apple pies directly tie into the fall theme, but I will be goddamned if these aren't some of the best special edition Oreos I've ever tasted. I'm not sure if I would call the interior creme an authentic apple pie facsimile, but it's nonetheless one of the better tasting twist-top cookies I've tasted in a long time. If these things are still on shelves near your neck of the woods, definitely give 'em a try - Halloween gimmick or not, these things are just A-plus junk food.

Cookies & SCREEM M&Ms!

So I take it these things are supposed to taste like Oreos-flavored M&Ms, right? Eh, I didn't really feel it, but I definitely dug the LTO product's aesthetics. While there is this thin layer of cookie wrapped around the interior chocolate core, the overall taste is actually kinda' negligible. All in all, it pretty much tastes like your run of the mill M&M, only it looks more like a scuffed up bowling ball than usual. Which, yeah, is probably worth the slight up-charge in price. Maybe.

Starbucks Dark Mocha Frappuccino!

Starbucks actually released a number of limited-time-only drinks for Halloween this year, so it's not really surprising that the Dark Mocha Frappuccino kinda' fell to the wayside. I mean, there were drinks released by the chain this fall that were supposed to mimic fuckin' zombies (yeah, more on that in just a bit) and something like this just can't compete in today's Instagram-driven culture. As you'd imagine, the super-sugary beverage was one part iced coffee drink, one part whipped creme orgy and one part crunched up Oreo cluster-fuck. Which, for what it's worth, isn't that bad - 'tis a shame the whole thing devolves into a hyper-saccharine mush by the time you're halfway through it, though.

Starbucks Limited Edition Bottled Pumpkin Spice Latte!

Thanks to the PSL, Halloween has more or less turned into three months of companies making every product they manufacture taste like pumpkin spice. And while Starbucks has been producing bottled pumpkin spice frappuccinos for wholesalers like Costco and Sam's for quite a few years now, I'm pretty sure this is the first time the company has sold bottled versions of its' PSL as standalone offerings at gas stations and big box mart freezers coast to coast. Unfortunately, this cold-version of the iconic Starbucks drink doesn't taste anything like the marquee, season-defining beverage. Instead, it tastes like chocolate milk with huge chunks of cinnamon and nutmeg in it, and I'll be Allah-damned if the soup itself doesn't look like liquid diarrhea with pencil shavings in it. Seriously, once you see it, you can't unsee it. 

McDonald's McCafe Pumpkin Spice Latte!

This PSL imitator has been around for years and years now, but I didn't get around to trying it until this autumn. To be perfectly honest with you, I thought it wasn't that bad. In fact, it's probably one of the better PSL wannabes out there, a beverage that's quite clearly above grade for most gas station pumpkin spice coffees and maybe only a notch or two below the stuff being hawked at Dunkin' Donuts. That, and it goes WAY better with Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Tenders and Sriracha dipping sauce than you'd expect. Significantly better, actually.

Pillsbury Grands! Pumpkin Spice Rolls!

First off, apologies for not including a shot of the can - I forgot to take a snapshot before I exploded that motherfucker, and I am NOT rummaging through the garbage like a raccoon just to show you people the fragments. These things were pretty much what you would expect - sumbitches were extra flaky, and the proprietary cinnamon dipping sauce was gooey as all hell. Oddly enough, the sauce itself didn't taste all that pumpkin spicy, while the rolls themselves had a very noticeable Starbucks-esque cinnamon kick. Anyhoo, it's good stuff all around, if not a bit boring, aesthetically.

Aldi's Lunch Buddies Halloween Fruit Flavored Snacks!

You know it's a weak year for Halloween-themed comestibles when you've reduced yourself to scouring the aisles of Aldi for decent-ish, seasonally-thematic goods. Anyhoo, these artificial fruit chewy snacks are all modeled after miscellaneous Halloween iconography. You've got grape witch hats, lemon spiders, cherry skulls and my personal favorite, the orange Jack O Lanterns. Overall, these were quite a bit better than I thought they would be, and the sculpting on the individual snacks were pretty impressive. That said, it took me forever to realize that one piece was supposed to be a cat - I spent about half an hour thinking it was some kind of half-man, half-monkey hunchback at first.

Pumpkin Patch Orange Pop Rocks!

I've been seeing these things at every Dollar Tree in a 50-mile radius for the last four Halloweens, and oddly enough, that seems to be the only time I see Pop Rocks (or as Sonic and Taco Bell have to call 'em for legal reasons, "popping candy") on store shelves at all these days. It's been years since I've tried the candies, and I have to admit, that tingly sensation is still one of the most idiosyncratically unique experiences in the wide-world of junk foods. These "pumpkin patch" candies came in a pseudo-citrus combination of orange and green, although each seemed to have the exact same off-orange artificial taste.And yes, I know dumping them atop a geode makes them look just like a big old pile of crystal meth, but maybe that was my intent all along. Really, the flavor is negligible, and it's all about that foamy, tingling sensation - which makes me wonder what it would feel like to get a hummer from my girl with a packet of these in her mouth. Anybody out there already tried it and want to give me the lowdown before going all 50 Shades here?

Starbucks Zombie Frappuccino!

Well, you knew this was going to make an appearance at some point on the countdown. This is the limited time only beverage the chain chose to replace the Frappula, which - as we all know by now - is one of my favorite seasonal, LTO gimmick products ever in history. So naturally, I'm going to be just a smidge bitter about this thing bumping my beloved Dracula-themed frappuccino off the menu, but on the whole I'd consider it a pretty enjoyable little drink. The combination of mint green creme and sludgy brown chocolate syrup immediately brings to mind Frankenstein's monster, and the humongous purplish-pinkish swath of whipped topping mimics exposed brain tissue way more accurately (and disturbingly) than you'd have imagined any dairy product doing. More or less, it tasted like a fusion of the chain's cult favorite Unicorn Frappuccino from earlier this year and McDonald's Shamrock Shake, which, yeah, is a bizarre combination of flavors, but one that's nonetheless fairly palatable to this reviewer's tongue. It's not something you would want to chug down on a daily basis, but for a one and done seasonal tie-in drink, it ain't too shabby. And as an added bonus, by the time you're almost done with the beverage, the purple, green, brown and white juice all merges together into this ghastly water-logged corpse-like hue. I'm almost certain the suits at Starbucks didn't plan on that, but if they did? These motherfuckers are on the goddamn ball.

CVSHealth Pumpkin Spice Cough Drops!

And lastly, we come to the moment in time and space in which the long, long-running pumpkin-spice-everything trend officially jumped the shark. At this point, the only way to top CVS' pumpkin spice cough drops is to roll out pumpkin spice flavored birth control apparatuses, which hell, might be right around the corner, considering the way our modern Sodom and Gomorrah society is headed. I actually bought these things in early September and kept 'em in the back of my car for the better part of two months, and I expected the cough drops to come out looking like heat-mutated pieces of glass candy. Thankfully, the individual wrappings kept the package from amalgamating into a giant orange blob, and I will be god-damned if these things - around 60 days after I purchased them and drove all around the coastal southeast, with temperatures in excess of 80 degrees Fahrenheit most of the damn time - STILL packed a palpable PSL flavor. In fact, this is one of the best imitations of the trademark Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte flavor I've ever tasted, which makes me wonder if I can create my own offseason PSL by ordering a regular latte and dropping about three or four of these fuckers in there as home-brewed flavor add-ins. And yes, the menthol-coated drops (which are about 10 calories a piece) do indeed work as efficient and effective cough suppressants, just as advertised.

So, after doing this stupid round-up for seven years now, I reckon I've finally hit the apex of limited-time-only, seasonal edition foodstuff journalism. Not only did I test taste the veritable zenith of the PSL cultural tsunami that's been rolling around for the better part of the decade, I actually managed to conclude my annual round-up of Halloween foods not with an actual food or drink, but a motherfuckin' over-the-counter pharmaceutical product. If that's not a perfect sign it's time to abandon ship, I don't know what is. I mean, by this time next year, CVS could buy out Aetna outright, which means, retroactively, these pumpkin spice cough drops would be a novelty Halloween candy (sorta) produced by a fuckin' health insurance company.

And in a world getting more and more insane every day, if you can't accept health insurance provider-designed, mass-marketed autumnal cough drop gimmicks as the point of no return, you're just living a lie, my friend. A terrible, terrible lie.

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