LIVE Play-By-Play From Week 12’s Raiders vs. Bengals Game

Stream-of-consciousness notes from a long-suffering Oakland Raiders fanatic…

12:30 PM  EST - Well, it’s the last week of November, and the Raiders are already mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. At this point, I will be happy if Oakland can mount just six wins for the entire 2012 season. And the sad part? That odds of them going at least 0.375 in the win column before New Year’s Day is about as likely as an MC Hammer comeback.

12:37 PM EST - I guess I really don’t need to tell you about the back story behind this afternoon’s game. Carson Palmer, after single-handedly crushing every dream I’ve ever had for the last two seasons, returns to Cincinnati, to led a defensively stunted Raiders squad against his ex-team - a 5-5 team that’s won their last two games by a combined point spread of 59-19. And the Raiders are DEAD LAST defensively in 2012, posting a league-high 32.2 points allowed PER GAME.

12:41 PM EST - Oh shit, and I almost forgot; our ex-boyfriend Bruce Gradkowksi is playing backup in Cincy, while the rest of that god-forsaken heck hole gallivants around with their new squeeze, Andy Dalton. God, I hate having sloppy seconds.

12:52 PM EST - Looks like the Raiders will be without Run-DMC for the third week in a row. Marcel Reece has impressed as Oakland’s new #1 HB, but he ain’t exactly putting up world-shattering stats, either.

12:55 PM EST - P.S.: I hate Dennis Allen, so much.

1:02 PM EST - Raiders are set to receive first here in Cincinnati.

1:04 PM EST - Looks like Oakland is trying to get the run game going early. Considering Palmer’s recent forays, I think that’s more than a wise decision.

1:05 PM EST - And Palmer gets sacked. FML already.

1:06 PM EST - Raiders with a 3rd and 14. And a good goddamn, DO I HATE CARSON PALMER.

1:10 PM EST - 3rd and 1 for the Bengals. F. My. LIFE.

1:13 PM EST - BenJarvus Green-Ellis may or may not have a touchdown. Either way, the Bengals will at least have a fresh set of downs at the Raiders’ 1, and all of a sudden, I really have to throw up.

1:15 PM EST - And the points come off the board. An utterly meaningless reprieve for the Raiders, but gosh darn it, I will take it.

1:16 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN BENGALS. Green-Ellis punches it in, and Cincy leads 7-0 with about nine minutes left in the first quarter.

1:21 PM EST - Third and five for Oakland. And a dropped pass. Of course.

1:22 PM EST - It’s not even 1:30 in the afternoon, and I already hate myself and everything in this universe.

1:23 PM EST - Total yardage estimates so far? Cincinnati, 58, Oakland, a measly eight.

1:26 PM EST - Third and six for the Bengals. And Eff this Ess like you would not believe.

1:27 PM EST - You know, I’m beginning to think this whole season has been some sort of cosmological punishment for never paying that late-fee for “Spider-Man 3” before the local Blockbuster shut down.

1:31 PM EST - Of course the Bengals would pick up the first. You knew they would.

1:32 PM EST - A holding call, but SWERVE! It’s on the Bengals. So far, that’s the most positive thing that’s gone down for the Raiders today.

1:34 PM EST - The Bengals with an apparent touchdown, but it’s under review. And yeah, it counts. 14-0, Cincinnati.

1:37 PM EST - You know, I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: nothing good’s ever come out of Cincinnati. Ever.

1:41 PM EST - 3rd and 10 for the Raiders, and this is quickly shaping up to be Palmer’s worst performance of the year. And holy hell, is that saying something.

1:42 PM EST -

1:43 PM EST - You know, the Raiders in 2012 have kept redefining the term “nadir.” Every game, you say to yourself, “there’s no way the Raiders can play WORSE in the next game,” and then, yeah, they do.

1:45 PM EST - And the Raiders FINALLY stop Dalton on a third down. Let’s see if Oakland can, you know, make the ball go forward this time around.

1:48 PM EST - As a Raiders fan, I can safely say there hasn’t been a man this tormented by a redhead since Al Bundy.

1:55 PM EST - As a rough estimate, the Bengals have out-yarded the Raiders 165-25 so far today.

1:57 PM EST - I am absolutely flabbergasted by how awful the Raiders are in 2012. Trying to pinpoint who should receive the most blame between Dennis Allen, Mark Davis and Carson Palmer is sort of a moot point - after all, to play this horrible you HAVE to make it a collective effort.

2:01 PM EST - ANOTHER first and goal chance for the Bengals. This may in fact be the absolute worst day in the history of humanity.

2:02 PM EST - At this point, I don’t know why the Raiders D-Line DOESN’T intentionally try to cripple Andy Dalton. I mean, shit, why not.

2:03 PM EST - Everything you need to know about the 2012 season, in a nutshell: the only other Raiders fans in the pub just walked out in disgust, and it’s not even the third quarter yet. For god’s sake, even the CHIEFS fans stick around until at least the fourth.

2:06 PM EST - Yardage update? Bengals 254, Raiders…25. Twenty-five total yards, people. Twenty-five.

2:07 PM EST - You know, I could be real pissy about this game, but you know what? I have something called a “future-centric orientation” when it comes to things. Yeah, the Raiders are playing like, well, the Raiders now, but come 2034, when the Raiders finally make it back to the playoffs, I will reflect on this day, and smile, in smug acknowledgement of how far we’ve come as a organization.

02:08 PM EST - But, yeah, for the time being - GOD, I HATE EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.

02:10 PM EST - Well, the Raiders at least got A first down this afternoon…

02:11 PM EST - Carson Palmer and Andy Dalton reconfirm what we’ve all known for centuries: all redheaded people are worthless scum.

02:20 PM EST - Well, at least I’ve got the Los Angeles Kings to restore my sanity this April. Oh, wait.

02:23 PM EST - Thank goodness the Bengals just stoinked that field goal. I mean, a 21-point differential is surmountable, but a 24-0 spread heading into the third? Get outta’ here with that farcical shit.

02:29 PM EST - At the end of the first half, it’s Bengals 24, Raiders 0. I am now wholeheartedly convinced that the University of Northern Illinois could probably beat Oakland in an exhibition game.

02:32 PM EST - Yardage update: Bengals, 289, Raiders 83. Football is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

02:37 PM EST - You know, it takes a man with a lot of decency in his heart to watch something he loves dump nothing but unfettered misery on his lap this much. I’ve never thought about cheating on my spouse before, but when your soul mate treats you like this? I gotta’ admit, folks, the glimmer of red and gold is looking mighty damn alluring these days…

02:51 PM EST - Running, passing, defense, special teams - the Raiders can’t do ANYTHING right this season. I fully expect them to sleep in and forget to show up next week against Cleveland.

02:53 PM EST - This is easily the worst collective Raiders performance I have EVER seen. And that’s going back to the days when Andrew Walter and Daunte Culpepper were competing for first string QB.

02:55 PM EST - Fine, I’ll say it: JAMARCUS RUSSELL would do a better job as starter than Carson Palmer. Honest to god, if his worthless ass isn’t unemployed next week, I am going to…um, hope he isn’t employed in the subsequent week, I guess.

02:59 PM EST - And the Raiders STOP the Bengals on third down! That’s a really minimal achievement, but considering this team’s defense, it’s like watching them win ten Super Bowls in a row.

03:04 PM EST - It’s amazing to me how a human being could have so much optimism about things at noon, and by three o’clock, he’s ready to drink premium gasoline and swallow a match. Thank you, Raiders, for making my will to live a lot more suspect than I thought it was.

03:07 PM EST - And Dalton gets sacked. Unfortunately, Philip Wheeler didn’t give him a Bas Rutten liver punch while he was down.

03:13 PM EST - Marcel Reece with the best Raiders run of the day. Hell, who am I kidding - practically the only Raiders run of the day thus far.

03:14 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! Palmer connects with Denarius Moore to make this one a 24-10 game. Can the Raiders stage an epic comeback this evening in Cincinnati? (A: No. No, they cannot.)

03:18 PM EST - Andy Dalton eats dirt again! It only took three and a half hours, but the Raiders finally seem to realize this isn’t a scrimmage game.

03:23 PM EST - And the Raiders turn the ball over. Ohio shouldn’t even be a state.

03:24 PM EST -

03:30 PM EST - And a Bengals field goal makes this one a 27-10 game. This season is so done, you can’t even chew it.

03:36 PM EST - Jeremy Stewart with a 26 yard gain, followed up by a 10 yard rush by Marcel Reece. Do the Raiders really need a pass game anymore?

03:40 PM EST - Raiders with a 3 and 24. And since Palmer is the QB, you can take a wild guess what ends up happening next.

03:42 PM EST - After this season, I think the Raiders might as well change their motto from “Commitment to Excellence” to “Well, at least we have a good punter.”

03:50 PM EST - And oh hell, we’ve got ourselves an on-field melee. Expect some ejections momentarily.

03:55 PM EST - Two Raiders defensemen get booted, while one member of the Cincinnati O-Line gets tossed. If the Raiders defense doesn’t turn into the Hanson Brothers from “Slap Shot” for the next five games, I am going to be plenty pissed.

4:00 PM EST - With less than four minutes to go, the net yardage estimates are fairly one-sided: the Bengals have 411, while the Raiders have just 205.

4:03 PM EST - And Dalton chunks in another TD, and if you are a Raiders fan, you ultimately have no reason to live until at least next September.

4:11 PM EST - A dropped pass on 4th down, and this game is over, and hard.

4:13 PM EST - Our final score today in Southern Ohio? Bengals 34, Raiders 10. I hate football, with a passion.

Read More

LIVE Play-by-Play from Week 10’s Raiders vs. Ravens Game

Stream-of-Conscious Observations From a Long-Suffering Oakland Raiders Fan

12:39 PM EST - Well, we’re officially at the halfway point of the season, and the Raiders currently foster a rather lackluster 3-5 record, although they did look slightly better than mediocre in some recent games against the Falcons and the Buccaneers.

12:41 PM EST - Sort of an aside here, but Vernon Davis just said on one of those Fox Sports vignettes that the 49ers are a lot like the new Santa Clara stadium - not finished, but getting there. For a minute, I thought he was going to say that the Niners were being illegally funded by siphoned tax revenue.

12:46 PM EST - Oh, and happy Veteran’s Day / Armistice Day, for those of you that still have hard feelings about Verdun and shit.

12:48 PM EST - Wait, Darren McFadden is going to be out for the next four weeks? It’s not even kickoff time, and FML.

12:50 PM EST - Just who the hell is that guy that isn’t Jimmy Kimmel or Frank Caliendo, exactly?

12:52 PM EST - Looks like the Raiders’ performance today hinges on whether or not Marcel Reese and Taiwan Jones can effectively grind against the Ravens’ ghastly D-line. Carson has been playing a lot better than I expected him to as of late, but something tells me that this one is going to be decided based on the run game. Just call it a hunch, I guess.

12:57 PM EST - And of course, the one TV that’s malfunctioning at the sports bar HAS to be the only one playing the Raiders/Ravens game. I wouldn’t want it any other way, really.

12:58 PM EST - Seriously, though, is “Assassin’s Creed 3” REALLY about killing Redcoats with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? If so, I may have to pick up an Xbox for Christmas.

1:01 PM EST - Just looking at the stats, Palmer seems to be having a better season than Joe Flacco - believe it or not, He-Who-Makes-My-Life-Miserable has three more TD passes on the season, out gunning the Ravens QB by more than 400 yards thus far in 2012.

1:03 PM EST - Raiders with possession first, starting at their own 20.

1:04 PM EST - Raiders clearly trying to get the run game established here. Third down, and Palmer connects with Ausberry for a 20 yard pick up.

1:06 PM EST - Palmer swings it downfield, but no dice. Third and 2, and it looks like the Raiders are a few inches short.

1:07 PM EST - And Palmer falls flat on his ass on a 4th and 1. F. M. L.

1:10 PM EST - Third and 5 for the Ravens at their own 50. Boldin with a pick-up of about 11.

1:12 PM EST - Another third down for Baltimore. They look about five yards short, so expect the FG unit to take the field.

1:13 PM EST - And the 48 yard attempt is good. Ravens take a 3-0 lead with about 9 left in the first.

1:16 PM EST - Raiders beginning at their own 25. And Palmer gets deflected on first down. Of course he would.

1:17 PM EST - Third down and six. Nowhere close to being enough for a new set of downs.

1:21 PM EST - First down for the Ravens, and they get dropped for a three yard loss on the first play of the drive. Give the Raiders some credit, because they’ve done a pretty good job of stopping the run so far today.

1:22 PM EST - Now, stopping the PASS GAME, however, is an entirely different story.

1:25 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAVENS. 10-0, Baltimore.

1:26 PM EST - And somewhere, there’s an alternate reality where a 6-2 Hue Jackson-led, Bruce Gradkowksi-piloted Raiders are on cruise control for their second consecutive AFC West title. I wish I lived in that world, a lot of times.

1:31 PM EST - Current yardage estimates? Baltimore, 85, Oakland, 40.

1:32 PM EST - Well, the Raiders finally manage to convert on a third down. How about that Juron Criner, kids?

1:33 PM EST - And the Raiders shit the bed on an end-around. Well, that’s never happened before.

1:34 PM EST - The Raiders are just struggling offensively here. In terms of net rushing yards, the Raiders only have ten yards on the ground today - not that the Ravens, with just 12, are doing that much better.

1:37 PM EST - Nothing at all on third down. Time for the Raiders to punt. As a plus, though, at least Baltimore will be beginning their next possession from within their own five.

1:40 PM EST - If the Raiders don’t win this game, you really have to start thinking about whether or not this Dennis Allen kid will be collecting a paycheck come the 2013 season.

1:42 PM EST - AND MICHAEL HUFF WITH AN INTERCEPTION! Life can be awesome sometimes, you know?

1:44 PM EST - Brandon Myers with a 21 yard pick-up. The Raiders have a first and goal…finally.

1:46 PM EST - And the Raiders have to settle on a field goal after committing nine million penalties in the red zone. I know I’m beating the barely identifiable skeletal remains of a horse here, but these kids HAVE to do something about all of these penalties. 10-3, Baltimore.

1:52 PM EST - Jacoby Jones with a 47 yard gain. Ravens with a 3 and 4 at the Raiders’ 24.

1:55 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAVENS. 17-3, Baltimore. That loud scribbling sound you hear is the sound of the Raiders’ executive office inking up Dennis Allen’s walking papers, I do believe…

1:59 PM EST - You know, a lot of people ask me if there’s anything GOOD about being an Oakland Raiders fan. The answer, in short, is “no.”

2:01 PM EST - The Raiders officially have FOUR TIMES AS MANY penalty yards than they do net rushing yards today. And Palmer just threw an INT.

2:05 PM EST - Not that I’ve been saying this all season, but I think NOW may be the time to bench the ginger. Is it nigh time for Matt Leinart or…gasp…T-Pryor…to begin in the second half?

2:08 PM EST - 20-3, Baltimore. This game might just be the lowlight of the year for the Raiders, and believe you me…that is saying something.

2:11 PM EST - Kids, pro football is the worst thing you could ever do to yourself. If someone offers it to you, DON’T YOU TAKE IT. Trust me.

2:14 PM EST - Two minute warning. This game is so over, you might as well call it “the ceiling.”

2:16 PM EST - If the Raiders don’t score before the second half begins, would you be horribly upset if I just started covering the Saints/Falcons game instead? I mean…really, folks. REALLY.

2:18 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! DHB with a 55 yard pick-up, and we have ourselves a 20-10 game. Now, just as long as the Ravens DON’T score before the half, I think…think…this game is potentially salvageable for Oakland. Maybe. Perhaps. To some extent.

2:21 PM EST - And with a minute left in the second, the Ravens are ALREADY in field goal range. GAHDDAMMIT.

2:25 PM EST -

2:28 PM EST - At halftime, the score is 27-10, Baltimore. The Ravens have out yarded the Raiders 266 to 200.

2:32 PM EST - Seriously, if anyone OTHER than Palmer will be starting for the Raiders, I will be ecstatic. Ecstatic, I tell you.

2:39 PM EST - At this point in the season, I’m not even all that dejected anymore. Hell, I’m just happy to see the Raiders score at least A touchdown over the course of four hours, honestly.

2:44 PM EST - A penalty? On the Raiders? NO WAY!

2:45 PM EST -

2:46 PM EST - Professional football was invented by Satan. No other explanation will suffice.

2:49 PM EST - If it wasn’t for the existence of fantasy football as a thing, I don’t think this game would legally be allowed to continue.

2:50 PM EST - Marcel Reese with a big pickup. TOO BAD IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE.

2:52 PM EST - So can you folks think of any other activities I could be doing on Sundays? Like, something that doesn’t make me hate humanity as much?

2:53 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS. Denarius Moore with a 30 yard reception for a TD. Now, all the Raiders have to do is stop the Ravens on everything they do from here on out, double their current point count and nail a field goal in OT and this game is ALL SILVER AND BLACK, BAY-BEE.

2:59 PM EST -

3:00 PM EST - And yes, that does mark the third time I’ve killed myself today. That’s the kind of thing that you can do when you’re a Raiders fan, you know.

3:01 PM EST - Ravens, 41, Raiders, 17. Yardage report? 343 for Baltimore, 280 for Oakland.

3:05 PM EST - Well, if there’s a positive I can think of from this evening, it’s that, to the best of my knowledge, all-out nuclear war DIDN’T break out. Beyond that, though, I’ve got nothing.

3:14 PM EST - If you took a shot every time the Raiders committed a penalty today, I’m pretty sure you’d be comatose by now.

3:16 PM EST - Baltimore, 48, Oakland 17. Latest yardage estimates? Ravens, 397, Raiders, 280.

3:21 PM EST - Eff it, I’m just going to start watching the Falcons game instead.

3:22 PM EST - Folks, there are still TWENTY MORE MINUTES of this. There’s an outside shot the Ravens may end up winning this one by triple digits.

3:25 PM EST - Cosmic comedy: this game is playing right beside the Bengals/Giants game, and guess who just flashed on screen? Hint: the guy that COULD’VE been our franchise QB.

3:28 PM EST - Some days, I just wish NFL games were decided solely on which team had the better uniform.

3:29 PM EST - And it is FINALLY time for the fourth quarter to begin. I think all of the Ravens’ starters have been pulled, and so has the likelihood of Dennis Allen remaining employed throughout the remainder of the season.

3:30 PM EST - Wait…you fight bears in “Assassin’s Creed 3,” too? Holy shit.

3:33 PM EST - Gotta’ admit, I’ve been tuned out of this game for the last hour. That Falcons/Saints game, however, is shaping up to be a Game-of-the-Year contender, though.

3:34 PM EST - Ravens 48, Raiders 20. Baltimore has 413 all-purpose yards, while Oakland has just 344.

3:36 PM EST - …just…just…forget it man. Just forget it.

3:38 PM EST - This game isn’t just awful, it’s arguably the worst thing that’s ever happened to humanity as a whole. I swear, that isn’t hyperbole, either.

3:42 PM EST - I wish this game/season/planet was over right about now.

3:46 PM EST - And on a 4th and 3rd, the Raiders bobble in the red zone. This season isn’t just dead, it’s practically feldspar at this juncture.

3:47 PM EST - You know your franchise is in bad shape when the current season is just BARELY halfway over and you’re already pessimistic about your odds NEXT SEASON.

3:49 PM EST - Football is God’s punishment for missing church every week.

3:52 PM EST - You seriously don’t know how bad you have it until you’re an Oakland Raiders fan. Anybody that claims to suffer that isn’t wearing silver and black is just being dramatic.

3:58 PM EST - The Raiders have FIVE TIMES as many penalty yards as they do net rushing yards. Told you the run game was going to prove pivotal today!

4:00 PM EST - The two minute warning is upon us, and it dawns upon me that the Raiders haven’t realistically been in this game since the end of the first quarter.

4:05 PM EST - Well, today sucked. And hard.

4:06 PM EST - The final score this afternoon in Baltimore? Ravens 55, Raiders 20. I hate football, with a passion.

Read More

My LIVE Raiders/Dolphins Week Two Recap!

Just when you thought things couldn't POSSIBLY get worse to be an Oakland Raiders fan...

12:45 PM EST - It’s noon on the east coast, which is a time no human being should be awake for, as far as I’m concerned. Half an hour until kickoff, and I’m stuck listening to Howie Long talk about how Michael Vick has had a really, really troubled career. Meanwhile, JB is talking about Twitter on the CBS feed. Not sure which one is worse, to be honest.

12:49 PM EST - The big question mark this week is whether or not the Raiders have their special teams, ahem, problems, sorted out. The less said about last Monday’s season opener, the better.

12:55 PM EST - Just a reminder; in 10 starts for the Raiders, Carson Palmer has 6 losses and just 4 wins, and the Fins have won nine out of the last ten meetings between the two teams.

12:59 PM EST - According to the experts at CBS, the Raiders really need to “avoid getting penalties,” which is sort of like advising a trout to start flying to avoid being eaten by a Kodiak.

01:02 PM EST - It’s a battle of the first year coaches today in southern Florida. The Dolphins are set to receive first. And damn, those are a lot of empty seats in the stands, too.

01:04 PM EST - As good as the Raiders run defense looked Monday night, they sure are playing it loose so far. When Ryan Tannehill can get ten yards plus on your frontline, you know you’ve got some SERIOUS gaps on your D-line.

01:07 PM EST - Leave it to the Raiders to make the Dolphins look like a greater offensive power than the CHARGERS. The Fins are about ten yards away from a TD now.

01:09 PM EST - Third and goal opportunity for the Fins. I expect Bush to get the carry here.

01:10 PM EST - And Tannehill walks it in for an easy six. Football is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. 7-0, Miami.

01:16 PM EST - Heyward-Bey with a pick-up for a dozen or so. And Palmer follows that up by chunking it into the Atlantic Ocean on the very next down.

01:17 PM EST - Third down, and Carson runs for his life to pick up a new set of downs. And it’s a first and one, actually. It’s not even 2 PM yet, and I hate everything there is about this world.

01:21 PM EST - It takes a LOT for a man to say that he actually longs for the days of having JASON CAMPBELL in the pocket. I mean, A LOT.

01:24 PM EST - Hey Dennis: you’re supposed to call ZONE BLITZES on passing plays. Apparently, he graduated from Tecmo University.

01:24 PM EST - The Dolphins’ punting unit comes out, and it looks like the Raiders will be beginning their next possession from within their own ten.

01:27 PM EST - Current yardage estimates? Oakland,28, Miami, 120. And the Fins have eight first downs while the Raiders have just uno.

01:28 PM EST - Holding call on the Raiders, making this a rare first and fourteen attempt. Heyward-Bey with a pickup of about a dozen or so.

01:30 PM EST - DMC with enough for a new set of downs. Marcel Reece with a pickup of 14, and Palmer decides to throw to an invisible receiver down field.

01:33 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! Mike Goodson with a 64-yard pick-up to tie the game and give me a reason to care about living again!

01:40 PM EST - Offside call on the Raiders. I’m as shocked as you are.

01:43 PM EST - Third and 9 for the Fins, and Tannehill dumps it into no man’s land. The Raiders will be starting their next possession from inside their own ten yet again.

01:48 PM EST - Third and eight for the Raiders. Looks like Oakland’s going to have to punt the ball away after Heyward-Bey gets stopped about three yards short.

01:50 PM EST - Total yardage update: Raiders, 132, Dolphins, 151.

01:53 PM EST - And Tannehill eats dirt for a 2nd and 21. The Raiders D is beginning to show some signs of life again…

01:57 PM EST - The O-line is looking way better for the Raiders, and since Palmer has more than five milliseconds to make a pass, he’s actually able to hit a receiver now. And Travis Goethel is on the sideline, because we need to be reminded that horrible people continue to exist in this world.

01:59 PM EST - Honest to god, you have no idea how much I hate Carson Palmer. Seriously, you just do not.

02:01 PM EST - Third and 12 coming up for the Fins. Tannehill thinks the grass is an eligible receiver, and it’s time for Miami to punt.

02:04 PM EST - A nice return for the Raiders, negated by a holding penalty. The Raiders now out-yard the Fins, 156-135.

02:07 PM EST - D-Moore with a big gain, which, of course, is followed up by Carson Palmer effing up as usual.

02:08 PM EST - You know, if the Raiders had just a HALF decent QB, they’d be up by two touchdowns by now. Seriously, a Bruce Gradkowski can’t cost THAT much, can it?

02:11 PM EST - Third and seven for Miami, and Bush comes up a yard short. Raiders starting at about their own 12.

02:14 PM EST - So far, Run DMC hasn’t done much for the Raiders’ offense. We hit the two minute warning, and the Raiders see themselves staring down yet another third down.

02:18 PM EST - D-Moore picks up enough for the first. The Raiders have two minutes to work the clock.

02:20 PM EST - David Ausberry rumbles downfield for a huge pickup. Flag on Miami for roughing the passer, and the Raiders are basically a chest hair away from scoring a TD. First and goal for the Raiders, with about a minute left in the half.

02:25 PM EST - Out comes Sea-Bass. With less than a minute in the half, the Raiders take a 10-7 lead.

02:28 PM EST - The Dolphins just run out the clock, and the Raiders head into the third with a three point lead. Meanwhile, those two cups of coffee I had this morning are crying to be expelled, so pardon for about a minute or two, will you?

02:33 PM EST - I guess my halftime thoughts are pretty obvious. After a very slow start, the much ballyhooed Raiders D is playing like it deserves the hype, but that offense? JEESUS. The Silver and Black need to get the run game up and going, and those receivers need to sink their cleats into some end zone turf. And also, Carson Palmer needs to just up and disappear, like a Chinese dissident or something.

02:40 PM EST - Dear lord, is that Car Fax fox-thingy the most horrible thing I’ve seen in motion, ever.

02:42 PM EST - Yardage update: Raiders, 263, Dolphins 147.

02:44 PM EST - Three and out on the Raiders’ first possession of the third quarter. Yep.

02:47 PM EST - And the Dolphins go three and out, too. This is surely a preview of this year’s AFC Championship.

02:51 PM EST - Raiders starting at their own one, I do believe. Well, FML already.

02:53 PM EST - Another third down coming up. And exactly what you think happens…happens. Miami will take their first snap at about the fifty yard line.

02:59 PM EST - Third and one for the Fins. And that’s a TD for Miami, as Bush hustles for about twenty. Football is the stupidest thing in the world, and I have no idea why I watch it.

03:01 PM EST - 14-10 Dolphins, even though with an actual QB, the score would probably by 35-7 Raiders.

03:02 PM EST - An aside, really, but Kat Dennings isn’t that pretty, people. Whoop de doo, a brunette that wears a lot of lipstick. So hard to find one of those, clearly.

03:05 PM EST - Brandon Myers takes it to about the 50. And the Raiders have to punt again. FTS, so hard.

03:09 PM EST - Carson Palmer is 17 for 33 on passing attempts so far. And also, I hate him.

03:11 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN DOLPHINS. Bush rips off a 65 yard TD run, while I think about all of the things I could be doing instead of watching this shit. 21-10, Miami.

03:18 PM EST - Yeah, I know I’m playing a Flash version of “Castlevania” in public while the referees try to sort things out, but dammit, I just don’t care anymore.

03:22 PM EST - Tom Cable never should’ve been fired, Hue Jackson never should’ve been exiled and Carson Palmer never should’ve been born. That’s all I have to say about that.

03:25 PM EST - Phillip Adams with a 47 yard punt return to give the Raiders their best starting field position all day. And a pass interference call on Miami puts the Raiders at the Dolphins’ 15.

03:31 PM EST - Sea-Bass makes it a 21-13 game. If the Raiders’ defense isn’t stone walling everything the Dolphins try to do for the next 15 minutes, this thing is already finished. And that’s not even CONSIDERING the Raiders’ offense, which apparently has an aversion to the kind of grass growing out of the Dolphins’ end zone.

03:37 PM EST - Well, I’ve decided that I won’t be watching any more games this season. If you’ve given up all hope in this universe before the first week of October…you might be an Oakland Raiders fan.

03:39 PM EST - 28-13, Dolphins. Enough bullshit, time to pull Palmer, get this Dennis Allen prick out of the organization and cut some heads at the front office. This is legitimately the angriest I’ve been all year about anything.

03:43 PM EST - At this point, I doubt the team will win more than four games all season. And the brown M&M is way hotter than the green one. And if you think it’s a little creepy that I’m sexualizing anthropomorphic candies, forget it…Carson Palmer is my starting QB. Like I’ve got shit to look forward to or anything.

03:47 PM EST - Ten minutes left in the game, and I officially hate everything that has ever existed.

03:48 PM EST - Is it cool with you kids if I just cover the Baltimore/Philadelphia game from hereon out?

03:52 PM EST - What can the Raiders do to improve for next week’s game against Pittsburgh? Well, pretty much anything, really.

And Rolando McClain is getting paid HOW MUCH to not do Jack Shit again?

03:56 PM EST - …I really, REALLY hate pro football, people. You have no idea how much.

04:00 PM EST - Watching Oakland Raiders’ games is like the opposite of church - a ritual where every Sunday morning, you get up, dress in your finest linens, and then proceed to fill your soul with the vilest, most reprehensible feelings imaginable. Catholics ain’t got shit on AFC West football fans.

04:04 PM EST - This isn’t a football game as much as it is a test to see how much hatred I can stuff into my conscience until it begins spilling out like a piñata of vehemence.

04:08 PM EST - We just hit the two minute warning…which is about thirteen minutes removed from when I still believed in things.

04:10 PM EST - DMC had a grand total of 22 yards all day. And things are smelling very, very 2003-ish up in this one.

04:12 PM EST - Our final score from Miami? Dolphins 35, Raiders, 13. I hate football, with a passion. 

Read More

My Live Raiders vs. Chargers Monday Night Football Play-By-Play

Stream of consciousness thoughts from a tortured Oakland Raiders fanatic…

09:57 PM EST - Oh, the joys of being an AFC West football fan while living on the East Coast. It’s about fifteen minutes until kickoff, so it looks like I will have to bide my time by watching the Ravens do some down right horrific things to the Bengals.

10:00 PM EST - Ah, goddamn, Monday night just so happens to be karaoke night here, and I’m sitting right in front of the freaking DJ booth. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted to watch Carson Palmer apply his craft while 50 Cent remixes blare in the foreground.

10:03 PM EST - For those of you wondering, I’ve been a lifelong Raiders fan, going back to the days of Marcus Allen and Bo Jackson in “Tecmo Bowl.” Needless to say, autumn has been a very, very cruel time of year to me over the last decade. You know your franchise is in NF-Limbo when posting back-to-back .500 seasons is a reason to celebrate like you just won ten Super Bowls in a row.

10:13 PM EST - I guess the big story heading into the regular season has been new head coach Dennis Allen’s re-education program initiative that’s supposed to keep the Raiders from posting several hundred yards worth of penalties per game. Because his last five predecessors have done such a great job of changing that fabled “locker-room attitude,” no doubt.

10:19 PM EST - And speak of the devil, there’s Jon “Benedict” Gruden!

10:20 PM EST - Grown men dressed like gorillas. Skeleton warriors. Knife brandishing degenerates. How I’ve missed you all, brethren!

10:21 PM EST - Holy shit, they’re actually letting Chris Berman CALL a professional football game? Man, the Mayans might be right after all…

10:25 PM EST - A bobbled punt already. Jee-SUZ.

10:28 PM EST - Palmer almost picked off, yet another omen of good things to come.

10:29 PM EST - HAGAN with the first down! Those Trojan kids can surprise you sometimes.

10:31 PM EST - Third down, with nine to go. Pass or hand it off, Carson?

10:32 PM EST - Dropped pass, but there’s a flag on the play. And what do you know, it’s an offside call on…San Diego?

10:33 PM EST - And Streater coughs it up after picking up the first. FML.

10:36 PM EST - Richard Seymour with a CRUSHING stop! The Raiders D is alleged to be much improved, but we’ll see.

10:37 PM EST - AND RIVERS GETS SACKED! Sometimes, life can be awesome you know?

10:40 PM EST - Currently, the Chargers have a grand total of -1 yards of offense, while the Raiders have posted 51 on one possession.

10:42 PM EST - The Raiders are just BURNING down field right now. It’s like “NFL Fever 2004” or something!

10:44 PM EST - And as soon as I say that, the playing field turns into molasses. Out comes Sea-bass, and yeah, he‘s still Sea-bass. 3-0 Raiders at the five minute mark of the first.

10:49 PM EST - To be honest, watching a Raiders game while songs from “Rock Band 2” wafts overhead isn’t that bad of an experience. I wonder if watching hockey while the soundtrack from “Donkey Konga” plays is equally awesome?

10:50 PM EST - Is it just me, or does Norv Turner remind anybody else of a principal on a really bad “Saved by the Bell” knockoff?

10:53 PM EST - Chargers threatening at the ten. Time to pluck that Philip Rivers voodoo doll real quick…

10:55 PM EST - And the Raiders D pulls through with a stop on third and goal. Here comes the SD special teams, and we all know what that means…

10:56 PM EST - It’s a 3-3 game with a minute left in the first quarter. The Chargers now have 73 yards, while the Raiders have accumulated 84.

10:59 PM EST - And surprisingly, the replacement refs have no idea what the hell they’re doing. I’m as shocked as the next guy.

11:01 PM EST - Well, Run DMC is still playing like himself, I suppose. And did you know Dennis Allen, at 39, is the youngest head coach in the NFL? Trust me, that factoid sounds way heftier when it’s flapping past Trent Dilfer’s gums.

11:04 PM EST - McFadden with a one yard run up the gut for another set of downs.

11:06 PM EST - Well…the less said about those last few plays, the better. Time to punt after a disastrous end-around play got shot to shit.

11:08 PM EST - And an illegal block in the back eradicates what would’ve been the Chargers’ widest yardage gain thus far. That’s life, son.

11:12 PM EST - Raiders get called for an encroachment penalty with the Chargers pinned back at a third and one. And that better be an intentional grounding call for Rivers, or else I’ll shit a kitten.

11:13 PM EST - HOLDING ON THE RAIDERS?!? I hate football so much.

11:14 PM EST - Fun fact: Ronnie Brown attended classes at my high school’s arch rival. Really.

11:16 PM EST- Tommy Kelly gets called for a penalty. Good luck with that re-programming plan, Dennis.

11:18 PM EST - Chargers threatening again, with about six left in the first half.

11:20 PM EST - SD takes a timeout. The Chargers now have 124 total yards, while the Raiders have 121.

11:22 PM EST - I don’t know about you, but I trust Montel Williams with mutual fund advice way more than I do Maury Povich.

11:24 PM EST - SD at the Raiders goal line. A dropped pass in the end zone, and we’re looking at another third and goal.

11:23 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN CHARGERS. SD leads OAK, 10-3. And if that isn’t bad enough, it looks like Napoleon Dynamite’s long-lost twin has picked “Basketcase” as his karaoke selection. Sigh…at least they don’t have Sum 41 on the play list, or so I think.

11:32 PM EST - The Raiders finally convert on a third down, and we’ve got two minutes left in the quarter.

11:36 PM EST - Congrats to Darren McFadden, who has apparently invented the opposite of glue and doused it all over his hands prior to kickoff.

11:37 PM EST - And DMC looks banged up on the sideline. SHIT! Palmer takes a shot at the end zone, with predictable results. Raiders take their first timeout.

11:40 PM EST - And DMC breaks one off for about 20. Raiders at the SD goal line with a fresh set of downs.

11:42 PM EST - SD with a timeout. Raiders have three shots at the end zone with about twenty seconds left on the clock.

11:43 PM EST - A dropped INT in the end zone, and the Raiders dodge a MAJOR BULLET. Third and ten, with 16 seconds on the clock. And the Raiders with a delay of game penalty. Praise Satan.

11:45 PM EST - McFadden with a run to the 2 yard line. It’s 1st and goal with seven seconds left.

11:49 PM EST - Actually, that last call was reversed, so it was a 4 and 1 instead. Out comes Sea-bass, and we have ourselves a 10-6 game heading into halftime.

11:51 PM EST - At the midway point of the game, two things are sticking out at me. First of all, the Chargers pass game is just torching the Raiders, and god damn, those bobbled catches for the Silver and Black! The Raiders run D has been pretty good so far, but unless the receivers can get some serious yardage after the catch, it looks like we may be in store for a LONG night in the Black Hole.

12:06 AM EST - Chargers with a three and six, and they don’t have enough to make the conversion.

12:07 AM EST - Fair catch, and the Raiders will be starting their first drive of the second half at their own ten.

12:11 AM EST - Well, that shit definitely has to be pass interference on Jammer. Even a scab could make a call that easy.

12:13 AM EST - And a neutral zone infraction for SD. Things are coming nicely together, I see…

12:15 AM EST - And apparently, Takeo Spikes has been killed on the field. Just thought you wanted to know.

12:17 AM EST - The Raiders come up short on third down, and then they get an illegal substitution penalty. There is absolutely nothing good I can say about the sport of American football.

12:19 AM EST - I honestly have no idea what the hell that was, and I hate everything on the planet right now.

12:22 AM EST - The Chargers have a three and four with about 20 until pay dirt. A stop here is absolutely vital for the Raiders.

12:23 AM EST - Here comes the SD field goal unit. 13-6, Chargers.

Travis Goethel: Officially the Worst Person who has Ever Lived. 

12:30 AM EST - And the Raiders have to punt. And the punt gets blocked. And I think I have to throw up a little.

12:33 AM EST - False start for the Chargers. SD has a 2nd and goal opportunity. Another 3rd and goal coming up.

12:34 AM EST - Well, at least the Raiders were able to stop the Chargers from scoring another TD. 16-6, San Diego.

12:38 AM EST - Yep. This is going to be a loooong autumn…

12:40 AM EST - At this point, I’m beginning to wonder why I’m even sticking around for the fourth quarter. The only reason I can think of is the outside chance of somebody not named Carson Palmer getting passer duties, but good luck on that…

12:47 AM EST - Third and seven for the Chargers. If the Raiders can’t make a stop here, this game is as good as over.

12:48 AM EST - 19-6, Chargers. This is a lot more depressing than I’m making it sound. I think I’m going to make a Taco Bell run after this, and eat myself into a chalupa-induced coma.

12:49 AM EST - The thing about Raiders’ games are that they always give you a sense of false hope. They never lose a game like a normal team, they have to find the absolute most soul-destroying way possible to get defeated. Don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship, because if this ain’t exactly that, I don’t know what the hell is.

12:54 AM EST - Not that I really needed to tell you this, but I really hate the team’s new “small ball” approach. That ain’t Richie Gannon out there, Mr. Allen…and none of your receiving corps have the hands of a Jerry Porter either.

12:56 AM EST - START MATT LEINART. And Travis Goethel? I hope that from now on, all of the bad things that happen in life happen to you, and nobody else.

01:03 AM EST - Well, if there’s a silver lining in this shit-turd of a performance, I guess we can say that the Raiders run-defense HAS improved quite a bit. About seven left in the fourth, and the Raiders need two scores.

01:09 AM EST - 22-6, San Diego, and I’m struggling to find anything in this world that has any semblance of meaning anymore.

01:11 AM EST - Well, it’s pretty much pointless to continue doing commentary, but since I’m a masochist, I might as well keep on going until the clock strikes 0:00. My afternoon would’ve been better spent chewing off my own toenails, in hindsight.

01:15 AM EST - Did you know that it’s World Suicide Prevention Week this week? It must be, because the Raiders just offed themselves on live television. This is officially the worst September 11th I’ve ever experienced…

01:19 AM EST - Two minutes to go. And all I can say is, if there aren’t some major line-up changes for this Sunday’s game, heads are going to roll. This better be the last time we see Palmer take a snap all season.

01:22 AM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS. Now all they have to do is make a two point conversion recover an onside kick, score a touchdown with a minute left and score another 2-point conversation, and we are headed to OT! [#inmydreams]

01:25 AM EST - And SD recovers, and that’s the ballgame. Pending some utterly goofy bullshit, the Chargers are winning this one 22-14.

01:26 AM EST - What was I telling you about Raiders’ games giving you a false sense of hope? This is what I’ve been experiencing every fall for the last DECADE, amigos. PayPal donations out of sympathy are greatly appreciated, by the way.

01:28 AM EST - Well, the Raiders have two seconds to return a kickoff for a touchdown. Which they don’t.

01:29 AM EST - Final score: Chargers 22, Raiders 14. I hate football, with a passion.

Read More