A Tribute to the LTO Dunkin’ Donuts Products of Summer 2015!

A celebration of the co-branded pasties and beverages that made DD the place to be over the sweltering summer months…

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

The Starbucks/Dunkin’ Donuts dichotomy is one of our culture’s finest contemporary corporate rivalries. On the whole, I think most folks would agree that although Starbucks beverages are more expensive than those at DD, said beverages are also of a much higher quality. However, I also think most fellas would agree that the food offerings at DD kick the crap out of those lame muffins and cold dishes you’ll find at the ‘Bucks. Really, picking a victor here hinges on what you expect out of a java shop. If you want a place to chill, browse the Web and take furtive glances at barista side-boob, then Starbucks it is. If you want a coffee and a handful of doughnuts for five dollars and be left the hell alone for a couple of minutes, then DD is for you. Ultimately, your aversion to second-hand college student smoke and/or guys with paint all over their sweatpants who smell like lawn clippings might just be the decisive factor in picking one chain over the over.

Personally, I prefer Dunkin’ Donuts, because that’s the coffee shop of the proletariat. While junior college dorks and squeaky-clean youth group people populate Starbucks chains from Hartford to Tacoma, every Dunkin’ Donuts in the continental U.S. is staffed, operated and frequented by real Americans. It’s the third generation Chinese immigrants who put boxes of China Daily right next to the local newspaper, just because. It’s black dudes wearing camouflage hunter caps and Hispanic laborers and cashier girls from the Virgin Islands hobnobbing with Jersey-transplant vet clinic workers who wear too much green eye shadow and 40-year old men in raggedy Slayer t-shirts who literally mouth “fuck” as soon as the walk through the store’s double doors. Dunkin’ Donuts doesn't need to ask you to talk to them about race relations -- all things considered, Dunkin’ Donuts IS the ultimate statement on U.S. race relations, anyway; an entire nation of people, of all tongues, hues and hair colors, coming together to bask in that which makes America truly great -- mass consumption of sugar and fried stuff.

Speaking of irresistible high-calorie slop, the chain wheeled out a couple of newfangled Oreos and Chips Ahoy!-themed products over the summer. Ever one to bask in the ephemeral glow of corporate branded food products flavored to taste like other corporate branded food products, I spent May through July sampling virtually EVERY Nabisco-licensed permutation the chain had to offer. Needless to say, these were some damned fine limited-time-offerings, and stuff my tongue already misses.

AN ATLANTA BRAVES DOUGHNUT!

Now here is a seasonal delicacy that only me and my regional kinfolk got to experience. As the official bakery of the Atlanta Braves, I suppose it just makes sense for the chain to also produce a doughnut bearing the official MLB team insignia.

As far as the accuracy of the caked-on logo, it’s pretty respectable. To me, it kind of looks more like the University of Alabama “A” than the Braves symbol, but hey -- decorating shit with a squeeze tube of frosting ain’t easy, y’know.

Granted, it’s a neat idea and all (if nothing else, it’s worlds better than those dumb Major League Baseball Pop-Tarts currently collecting dust on store shelves across America,) but the fundamentals are working against it as a breakfast time offering. To begin with, the metric ton of blue frosting really makes it off-putting for an on-the-commute nom, since it dyes everything it touches -- tongues, teeth and whatever cloth it unfortunately assails -- a deep green hue. Surely, some sap working in Alpharetta or Suwanee has ordered one of these things on a whim, chucked it down his gullet and ignorantly walked into a boardroom meeting, with a mouth looking like he just made out with a Swamp Thing cosplayer.

That said, it is a pretty tasty product, overall, and it gets bonus points for really sticking to the team paint job. Guess what kind of jelly is contained inside the pastry’s shell? Oh, that’s right, a nice, goopy red strawberry jam -- such lovely attention to detail, right there. That got me wondering: for folks who live in other MLB markets, does Dunkin Donuts offer similar MLB-themed products? If so, I’d love to see what a Houston Astros doughnut looks like. Or a Florida Marlins one. Got pictures of ‘em? Feel free to pass them along, folks.

A CHIPS AHOY! CRUNCH DOUGHNUT!

The Chips Ahoy! Crunch Doughnut is pretty much what it sounds like. It’s a big, chocolate pastry, topped by a big, heaping handful of chopped up cookie. It’s not the most nuanced culinary exhibition in the world, but who cares how a product is made just as long as it tastes good?

Thankfully, this sugar-laden cross-branded item brings the goods. Combining a flaky fried husk with high octane chocolate is always a recipe for enthusiasm, but once you add crumbled up store-bought cookies into the equation, things really get taken to another level. Sure, it may not be as exciting as the Ghostbusters doughnuts released by Krispy Kreme last Halloween, but it's nonetheless a tasty, limited-time-only treat. The question now is, do you think DD can work out some kind of arrangement with Keebler for some E.L. Fudge donut holes by next spring?

A CHIPS AHOY! CRÈME DOUGHNUT!

On the outside, the Chips Ahoy! Crème Doughnut is virtually identical to the Crunch variation. Same pastry base, same chocolate exoskeleton, same dollop of crumbled up cookie … they’re kissin’ cousins if there ever were ones. Alas, once you bite into the Crème permutation, you’ll notice something very, very unique about the offering … if not something outright brilliant.

Before I took a chunk out of the doughnut, I was expecting a chocolaty interior. I mean, it just made sense -- the exterior frosting is chocolate, and that would give it a nice layered texture and mouthfeel. Imagine my surprise, however, when I discovered the gooey, molten core of the product wasn’t Bosco’s syrup, but god-damn mother-fucking cookie dough! What an incredibly ingenious idea for a fast food item. You’re eating something with a cookie motif on the outside, and on the inside of said product, it’s even more cookie, this time in its larval/embryo form that we can all agree actually tastes better than the finished product.

This is just a beautiful product, all the way around. Although I’m far from a Dunkin’ Donuts regular, if the chain offered stuff like this on a regular basis, I’d probably swing by at least once a week. After all, these are the same folks who gave us cookie themed pastries with cookie dough goop inside them … that alone just demands reverence, if not flat-out allegiance.

AN OREOS ICED COFFEE!

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about the chain’s co-branded seasonal beverages, as well. Basically, the big two newfangled offerings over the season were Oreos and Chips Ahoy! flavored takes on the company’s pre-existing iced coffee and Coolatta beverages. For the sake of diversity, I decided to try one co-branded item per, uh, co-brand. Up first, we’ve got the Oreos Iced Coffee which tasted like … well, an iced coffee, loaded with sugar, with bits of Oreos crème mixed into the cup. Obviously, there weren’t any actual chunks of sandwich cookie floating around in the mix (I think?), but the product did indeed taste quite a bit like the candy section staple. Frankly, it’s a bit difficult to spiel on and on about the drink … it’s an iced coffee that just tastes like damned Oreos. As long as you like Oreos (the normal kind, not the kind that taste like esoteric fruits), you’ll probably dig this, too.

A CHIPS AHOY! COOLATTA!

I’m still not 100 percent sure what a “Coolatta” is supposed to be, honestly. It’s kind of a hybrid iced slush cappuccino thing, but with a ton of whipped crème up top (and, in this case, sprinkled with tons and tons of cookie dust.) Really, it tastes more like a milkshake than any cup o’ Joe I’ve ever tasted, and that’s a good thing. In the summer months especially, you just want to try something different, and this here Chips Ahoy! Coolatta bring the “different” in spades.

The “coffee” aspect of the beverage is rather minimal, but that’s probably for the best. There’s not a particularly pronounced cookie taste, either (except towards the top of the drink), but its nonetheless a yummy little offering. Visually, it’s quite the sight, as the swirling vortex of cookie bric-a-brac and vanilla run-off almost resembles a lava lamp … or the surface of Jupiter. And any time a coffee shop offering reminds me of ill-conceived apocalyptic predictions, you know I’m going to give ‘em a thumbs up.

See! I wasn't bullshitting about the China Daily box, neither.

Well, there you have it, folks. Throughout the sweltering summer months, Dunkin’ Donuts was there, providing us with a whole slew of products that cooled our innards and probably gave us gingivitis. While nothing on tap over the last few months was world-changing, at the same time, it’s pretty hard to not get just a wee bit excited about coffees and pastries that taste like Oreos. The template for a long-running, pumpkin spice latte-like semi-annual tradition is quite strong here -- maybe next year, they can wheel out the long-desired Cotton Candy Oreos frappucinno we all had no idea we secretly yearned for? Ultimately, the chain’s partnership with Nabisco proves limitless co-branding opportunities. That smell you’re detecting in the background, dear reader? That’s just the proverbial money truck, rolling by Dunkin’ Donuts’ headquarters as we speak …

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Taco Bell's All New TACO BISCUITS!

Surely, it has to be a better menu item than the waffle taco, right?

It's been a while since I last wrote about Taco Bell. Alas, that's what happens when the best you can give the general public are quesadillas masquerading as nachos ... come on guys, we all know we're having the wool pulled over our eyes on that one. 

Of course, there are a few new additions to the Taco Bell breakfast menu, and I recently woke up before noon for a change to try a few of them. Anchoring the new wave of morning-time products is the "Taco Biscuit," which is ... well, pretty much exactly what it sounds like, I guess. The Bell is offering a pretty lengthy set of permutations of the item; you can get one with egg and cheese, sausage and egg, and sausage and cheese only, or you can spring another dollar and get the two marquee variations, the egg, cheese AND bacon biscuit taco and the egg, cheese AND sausage biscuit taco. Obviously, if we're going to cover these products in-depth, we have to try the deluxe edition; I know the readers here at IIIA expect absolutely nothing less in terms of semi-sincere fast food journalism. And as an added bonus (as opposed to one of those rare subtracted bonuses), I even plunked down some change for a newer-ish Crunchwrap product, which is we all know by now, is among the greatest delicacies ever presented by a national food chain. And I am being 100 percent honest about that, I think. 

So first up, we've got our sausage, egg and cheese taco biscuit. In case you were wondering, we are indeed working with a legitimate flour biscuit base here, although it may appear as if the animal byproduct contents are housed inside a chalupa tortilla. 

I am not really sure how the product fares compared to your standard Egg McMuffin, since I haven't really tried a fast food biscuit in like, 10 or so years. I don't know if it is my mind working against me or the product itself is that starchy, but I really had a bit of difficulty swallowing the dough. It was super duper salty, which is something you really don't expect from a Taco Bell product. After a few chews, I was able to gulp it down sans incident, but just to be on the safe side? If you plan on eating one of these things, I HIGHLY suggest having a beverage nearby. 

The other taco biscuit, strangely enough, did not look anything like its menu stablemate. Here, the cheese seemed to almost seal the taco biscuit shut like an envelope, with the yellowy-egg contents flowing from the sides of the item like a set of yolky jug handles.

Strangely enough, the bacon, egg and cheese taco biscuit was something of a misnomer, since the contents therein were actually much closer to being bacon bits than legitimate bacon strips. Even weirder, the bacon bits were literally buried underneath the eggs, residing in this shadowy, subcutaneous cavern near the bottom of the biscuit. From a logistical standpoint, the problem here should be obvious -- every time you tilt the taco biscuit to take a bite, half the goddamn bacon rolls out the other side. Granted, it's not exactly a problem that's unsolvable (if you pinch the corners of the biscuit shut, nowhere near as much salted pork flows out), but it's still a bit of a nuisance, especially for a breakfast item meant to be eaten on the go. 

As decent as the Taco Biscuits where, however, if you stop by any Taco Bell in the morning and don't walk away with some kind of Crunchwrap permutation, you've failed life and hard. Seeing as how I've already tried out the gravy sausage and California avocado blends, I decided to try out the only A.M. Crunchwrap offering that, up to this point, I haven't wrapped my lips and bicuspids around; the steak, egg and cheese variation.

As expected, the stuff was just dynamite. Never in a million years what I have thought smashing a hashbrown inside a tortilla and marinating the inside with chipotle sauce would've led to a superlative fast food offering, but paint me all shades of wrong, folks. Really, this concept has no boundaries; I am convinced you could chunk Spam and pineapple rings inside one of these things and it would still taste marvelous. Needless to say, the steak, egg and cheese 'Wrap was an utter delight, and in my humblest o' opinions, worlds better than either of the taco biscuits I tried. It's no skin off the proverbial tits of the biscuits, though; they were quite good for what they were, but frankly, outside of the weird shape, they weren't anything you couldn't pick up at a gas station. This Crunchwrap though? There's only one place in the freaking world you can get one of those, and I reckon it's some of the best money you'll spend on any kind of breakfast offering, fast food or otherwise. That kind of begs the question, however: why isn't Taco Bell selling these babies all day long? I await your response, Bell ... me and everybody else in America. 

SPECIAL HAPPY GOOD TIME BONUS EXTRA ADDITIONAL MATERIAL!

TACO BELL'S NEW DIABLO SAUCE!

One of my biggest complaints about Taco Bell has always been the sauce selections. Not only did they take away that really savory, smoky salsa that used to come in a purple packet, the so-called "fire sauce" the establishment has been touting as its "hottest" condiment is one of the most pitifully weak offerings of its kind at any restaurant. At least the guys at Huddle House leave a bottle of Tapatio to sprinkle on your omelets -- at the Bell, we are afforded no such luxuries.

While Del Taco tends to lose the overall food quality battle, they've no doubt trumped Taco Bell in terms of sauces for years now. Well, much to my jubilant surprise, I recently learned that T.B. has begun offering an all new "Diablo Sauce," and fellas, it does NOT disappoint. The packaging alone is just bad-ass, a pitch black packet with about two dozen scorching hell fires emblazoned upon it. Before you even open this sucker up, you just know it's going to tear your tongue a new asshole. You know, if tongues actually had assholes and stuff. 

It's kind of hard to describe the overall taste and texture of the sauce, but I assure you it is nothing at all like the puny "fire sauce" offering. In addition to have a spicy kick that at least equals Del Taco's hottest salsa, the newfangled Diablo Sauce is also a lot smokier and chunkier, with a nice, meaty flavor that really adds some texture to your burrito. Not only is it hot as hell, it's also flavorful as hell, and it really gels quite well with a whole host of Bell offerings. I'm not quite sure if it is a regional-only item or something that's gone nationwide, but the next time you're near a Taco Bell, feel free to waltz on in there and ask the manager if he or she has a couple of packets in yet. And then, when their back is turned, stuff about 20 of the motherfuckers into your pockets ... remember, the unspoken social code considers condiments public amenities, and are therefore free to all. 

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Taco Bell's New Crunchwrap Sliders!

There's a new trio of dollar menu offerings at the Bell, but are they worthy of your hard-earned Washingtons?

It's another new year, and with it comes yet another all-new assortment of limited-time only Taco Bell dollar menu products. Goodness, how time flies ... it seems like only yesterday we were all awaiting the launch of the Loaded Grillers, with breathe much bated.

So, our latest trifecta of value-priced products are a variation of the restaurant's famed "Crunchwrap" offerings. Sure, sure, the Bell can make a damned delicious sausage country gravy and guacamole breakfast wrap, but how do they fare when taking that shit into T.G.I Fridays territory?

The trio of sliders are all modeled after your standard Applebee's appetizers. There's a chipotle-soaked shredded chicken iteration, a beef and nacho cheese stuffed version, and most interestingly, a bacon-lettuce-and-tomato permutation. Oh, and all three items are crammed with Fritos fragments, because I guess corporate probably ordered way more chips than they actually needed for their other revamped dollar menu line-up.

One of the things I really, really liked about the products was the packaging. They come in these little mail envelope packages, and the artwork on both sides is pretty neat-looking. Yeah, it is a bit basic, but I like the simplicity of the pattern -- it totally feels like something you would have gotten at the restaurant circa 1991, and who would ever want to complain about something like that?

And on the back, you get a quick bio-piece on all three Crunchwrap Slider offerings, complete with a fairly dictatorial encouragement for you to continue to consume, "They Live" style. I actually like the back packaging design here, and wished the establishment used the format with their other products ... if nothing else, so I know what the hell is actually in the meal I just purchased.

And here's the trifecta, unsheathed, unwrapped, and in all of their chunky, greasy and goopy glory. You know, as delicious as Taco Bell is (for the most part), they certainly produce some of the most unappetizing looking products in the history of the fast food business. There's probably a reason why a majority of their line up is tortilla swaddled -- shit, if you opened the top of a hamburger and saw this stuff under the bun, would you continue to chow down?

All right, item number one is the beefy nacho wrap thingy, and it is PRECISELY what you would imagine it to be. Seasoned, super-watery ground beef that may or may not be made out of centipedes and crickets? Check. Copious amounts of molten nacho juice? Accounted for. A bunch of mushy, squishy Fritos chips, who are there for no real purpose or utility? Sadly, that's affirmative.

Of course, this stuff is ultimately critic-proof. It may not be all that innovative, but it gives you what you want, expect and enjoy, and in one convenient, easily fistable, ninja-throwing star shaped package. Mmm, that hits the spot ... the spot that tastes like everything else on the Taco Bell menu, evidently.

I have a downright unhealthy obsession with chiptole sauce and/or sauces, so this was easily my favorite of the threesome. Strangely enough, chicken is probably my least favorite of the big three land animal meat varieties in the U.S., but the spiciness and cheesiness of the item definitely made the entire package -- as a big, fattening whole -- really delectable.

Additionally, this was the only one of the three sliders that I thought actually benefited from having the Fritos chunks embedded in it. If you like zesty, crunchy and just mildly mouth-scorching fast food, odds are, you're going to love this one right here.

Then, we arrive at the BLT slider, which was probably my least favorite of the bunch. It's a shame, too, because this is clearly the most unique of the three, and I really, really wanted to like it for its lighter taste and texture -- it being one of the few dollar menu offerings at the restaurant that doesn't feel like half a pound of animal flesh and fried chips tightly wound inside a flour carapace.

There's certainly a nice salad taste going on, but the bacon bits didn't really gel with the avocado sauce, which I ultimately thought to be pretty bland. That, and the Fritos chunks feel TOTALLY out of place within the product, resulting in a weird, inconsistent smooth-crunchy-salty-flowery flavor that just wasn't working at all. It's a nice try and all, but unfortunately, I don't think this one will ever be a repeat buy for this Bell enthusiast.

All in all, you really can't complain about the Crunchwrap Sliders. I mean, for God's sake, they're just a dollar -- if you're going to complain about a monetary loss that slight, you're better off dining at Del Taco, with their robust assortment of $0.59 burritos, anyway.

The chicken one was really good, the nacho beefy one was solid (if not a tad too predictable) and the BLT one was an experiment that, while interesting in design, just wasn't executed in a manner all that palatable. Ultimately, my biggest slight against all three was the inclusion of the Fritos chips, which were about as superfluous as superfluous can get. Indeed, it's a trend for the Bell that's starting to worry me, that from here on out, they're just going to jam chips inside their existing products, dab some extra sauce on it, and boldly call it a "new" offering.

But, yeah, like I was saying, they're just a dollar, and if you're hungry, they'll do you. And in that, isn't that why we love Taco Bell in the first place?

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HALLOWEEN CRUNCH!

It’s Captain Crunch, it’s Halloween-themed, it’s for a limited time only and it TURNS YOUR MILK GREEN. How could I NOT do a review of it? 

I’m not sure how I was able to overlook it, but last year, a new, Halloween-themed variation of Captain Crunch - called, fittingly enough, “Halloween Crunch” - hit store shelves. I may have missed the proverbial boat last year, but you know DAMN well that I’m not letting this one sail by me two autumns in a row.

Before we get into the nuts and bolts of the product (or, if you want to be a little more literal, grains and oats), I find it imperative to state that, all in all, I’ve never really been that big a fan of Captain Crunch. That’s not to say that I foster a distaste for the product, it’s just that it was never a cereal I regularly consumed as a youngster. Odds are, if old man Crunch were a werewolf sea captain as opposed to a regular sea captain, I probably would’ve been likelier to gravitate to the product - but alas, that is territory we are ALL familiar with by now.

What makes “Halloween Crunch” different from your standard box of Captain Crunch, you may be wondering? Well, a lot, beginning with the packaging, which I am now going to spend a ridiculous amount of time analyzing and assessing.

First off, the color scheme here is pretty great. It’s mostly black, with lots of orange and green splashed around the box. There are tons of sinister looking pumpkins all over it, too, which makes it even more awesome, clearly. Really, if it wasn’t for the Cap’s grinning Jack O’ Lantern mug carved on the pumpkin, most folks would be hard pressed to distinguish this box from the box art of some antediluvian VHS horror movie from the mid ‘80s. That’s worth so many points, you don’t even know.

As with most cereals, you get some mildly airbrushed, mildly exaggerated cereal bits painted onto the box, complete with splashing milk - because as we all know, if you ain’t eating your cereal and it’s going all over the damn place, you, my friend, aren’t really eating cereal. The attention to detail on the cereal bits is pretty impressive, as you can even see the little green granules on the grain. And this is important, for one MAJOR reason…

…BECAUSE THE CEREAL TURNS YOUR MILK GREEN. GREEN, PEOPLE, GREEN! Granted, just about every cereal I can think of ends up turning your cow juice into some color other than ivory by the time you’re finished with it, but in this case, it’s actually being marketed as a prominent selling point, just like that Reptar cereal from “Rugrats.” And really, what kid in the U.S. could turn down the prospect of eating a cauldron of slime and sugar-sweetened ghosts for breakfast, anyway?

The back of the box has some information about pumpkins and stuff, which, yeah, is probably cool for a read while you’re waiting in line to purchase it, but the clear reason to get excited here is that the manufacturer provides you with a Captain Crunch Jack O’ Lantern template.

You know, something tells me you’re going to be seeing some orange, candle-filled fruit with these things mutilated into them before the month’s over. Just call it a hunch or something.

As for the cereal itself, it’s very, very Halloweeny, with lots of orange and yellow and brown. I guess that would technically make the product more Thanksgiving-colored than Halloween-hued but hey - it’s the right season, at least.

Half of the cereal is your traditional Captain Crunch bricks, while the other half are these light red, ghost looking things that bear more than a passing resemblance to the denizens of a certain General Mills breakfast offering. With that in mind, I like the fact that the ghosts here actually look sort of like traditional, table-cloth-draped spirits than the kinds were used to seeing in cereal-form; you know, the variety that looks more like the monsters that chase Pac-Man around than an otherworldly being caught betwixt the worlds of the living and the dead.

As a general rule, I don’t eat my cereal with milk, because…I don’t know, I just don’t like milk, I guess. Since soy milk was on sell, I decided to use that for my initial Halloween Crunch taste-through. And if you wanted to see me losing my Halloween Crunch cherry live on the Intraweb, well, here you go, folks:

Honestly, I think I feel about soy milk the way most normal people feel about tofu. Yeah, it’s all right, but it’s clearly no substitute for the real deal. Some folks may dig that sweetened-corn-plastic taste, but to me, it just wasn’t thick enough to provide an optimal Halloween Crunch experience. That’s sage advice for anybody, even the lactose intolerant, you know.

Taste-wise, I thought the cereal was pretty good. Granted, it isn’t going to convert me from the Church of Chocula, but it wasn’t a bad specialty item by any stretch. I guess it’s sort of redundant to call a cereal’s taste “sweet,” but this stuff was just excruciatingly sweet, as if someone dumped the contents of a hummingbird feeder over a barrel of oats and marketed under the Capt Crunch flagship. To a lot of people, that probably sounds like a negative declaration, but this IS cereal we’re talking about here: if you want subtlety and refined textures, you’re marching down the wrong supermarket aisle, amigo.

Oh, and in case you were wondering? It DOES end up turning your milk green, to a certain extent. But then again, I was using soy milk…that shit may NATURALLY be that color, for all I know.

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