Taco Bell's EVEN NEWER Crunchwrap Sliders!

I hope you like semi-spicy, junk-food-laden Hot Pockets variations with contents that resemble vomit!

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

Even when Taco Bell isn't that great, it's still fairly enjoyable. Granted, the products have a tendency to run together due to their textural and mouthfeel similarities - if you told me to describe the difference between a Sriracha Quesarito and a Daredevil Loaded Griller (any of those motherfuckers), I don't think I could - but who cares if everything on the menu is fairly indistinguishable? What matters is that the Bell, even at their lowest level, is still affordable, filling and gustatorily satisfying enough to warrant indiscriminate nom after indiscriminate nom. Their almost-monthly product variations may not be getting any points for originality, but they score plenty of points when it comes to consistency. 

When I first started working on this article, I totally forgot that I had already covered the first wave of Crunchwrap Sliders last year. As such, I assumed that I was ordering four all-new products, but in reality, just two of the Sliders you can pick up at the Bell in early 2016 are original items. So if you are wondering about the quality of the two returning offerings - which are modeled after breastaurant sampler menu favorites, thematically - do yourself a favor and click this link right ' chere.

The Sliders themselves are pretty interesting little menu offerings. They aren't quite burritos, but you can't really call them tostados, either. Instead, they remain in this weird fast food interphase, as if a quesadilla and an enchilada were locked inside the teleportation machine from The Fly. That they come in paper pouches more befitting bread sticks just adds to their offbeat uniqueness. 

Aesthetically, they ain't much to look at. They are just slightly toasted tortillas wrapped up in a pseudo-pentagon shape, with a whole bunch of weird shit sealed inside them. They are fairly bulky, though, and their misshapen forms - you ever try to wrap up chunks of chicken and Frito's without the end outcome looking bumpy? - give the Sliders a certain eccentric charm. 

As far as our new dining options are concerned, we've got two new items to chew on. First, let's take a gander at the Sriracha Chicken Crunchwrap Slider, why don't we?

You know, it is a good thing these products are wrapped up tight, because if anyone saw the internalized contents displayed all open-face-like, dry heaving would probably ensue. Make no mistake, this stuff is uglier than homemade soap; the blend of puréed chicken, corn chip fragments and neon orange sauce looks less like something you would eat than something someone has already digested and barfed right back up.

Alas, if you can overlook the fact the product looks like ginger sauce-soaked cat food dumped inside a tortilla, you'll discover a fairly enjoyable fast food offering that is actually quite a bit spicier than most Taco Bell selections. The chicken is a little watery and the Fritos really don't add much at all to the formula, but the sweet chili flavor definitely makes everything come together. It is an odd mishmash of  textures and shapes, to be sure, but all in all, it is not a bad little novelty burrito. 

So there is already a Beefy Cheesy Nacho Slider out there, but the SPICY BEEFY NACHO CRUNCHWRAP SLIDER ups the ante by, uh, making it spicy? Yes, yes it does, indeed. And not unlike its Sriracha Chicken cousin, this thing looks all sorts of disgusting inside the tortilla. Shit, I'm half-tempted to post an up close photo of an open sore or my latest bowel movement; I highly doubt anyone would be able to distinguish them from the utter grossness of what the foodstuff actually resembles. 

Fortunately, although the product may look like diarrhea spray squirted all over a soft taco shell, the product itself is pretty yummy. This is definitely one of the spiciest Taco Bell products to come out in a long time, with the molten-cheese-soaked beef and Fritos chunks doused in a savory, smoky, Jalapeño ranch dressing that I am pretty sure the company has never trotted out before. Sure, it is no Lava Sauce, but it definitely does the trick. Overall, this thing may be nothing more than just a slight tweaking of a pre-existing product, but hey; at least it is one hell of a re-tweaking, no? 

OK, so these newfangled Crunchwrap Sliders aren't exactly going to set the fast food world on fire. Yes, they are rather formulaic and hardly adventurous remixes, but when the end product is so sinfully delicious, who cares? Simply put, the two newest Sliders - despite looking like rolled up barf - are really, really tasty, and at just one dollar a pop, you can scarf down enough of them to give you gastrointestinal regret for less than it costs to buy a decent spiral-bound notebook. It's classic Bell, through and through; familiar, affordable, aesthetically revolting, probably unhealthy as hell and unquestionably delicious. 

When it comes to drive-thru dining, looks and originality are both vastly overrated. While other fast food giants try to church up their line-up with pretentious, overpriced "premium" offerings, the Bell continues to excel in economical, on-the-go nomming, with these latest Sliders demonstrative of the franchise's formulaic greatness. They may not be the prettiest or most creative foodstuffs out there, but ultimately? I reckon I'll vouch for such satisfying, cost-effective sameness over pricey, ostentatious "innovation" any day of the week.

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Taco Bell's All New TACO BISCUITS!

Surely, it has to be a better menu item than the waffle taco, right?

It's been a while since I last wrote about Taco Bell. Alas, that's what happens when the best you can give the general public are quesadillas masquerading as nachos ... come on guys, we all know we're having the wool pulled over our eyes on that one. 

Of course, there are a few new additions to the Taco Bell breakfast menu, and I recently woke up before noon for a change to try a few of them. Anchoring the new wave of morning-time products is the "Taco Biscuit," which is ... well, pretty much exactly what it sounds like, I guess. The Bell is offering a pretty lengthy set of permutations of the item; you can get one with egg and cheese, sausage and egg, and sausage and cheese only, or you can spring another dollar and get the two marquee variations, the egg, cheese AND bacon biscuit taco and the egg, cheese AND sausage biscuit taco. Obviously, if we're going to cover these products in-depth, we have to try the deluxe edition; I know the readers here at IIIA expect absolutely nothing less in terms of semi-sincere fast food journalism. And as an added bonus (as opposed to one of those rare subtracted bonuses), I even plunked down some change for a newer-ish Crunchwrap product, which is we all know by now, is among the greatest delicacies ever presented by a national food chain. And I am being 100 percent honest about that, I think. 

So first up, we've got our sausage, egg and cheese taco biscuit. In case you were wondering, we are indeed working with a legitimate flour biscuit base here, although it may appear as if the animal byproduct contents are housed inside a chalupa tortilla. 

I am not really sure how the product fares compared to your standard Egg McMuffin, since I haven't really tried a fast food biscuit in like, 10 or so years. I don't know if it is my mind working against me or the product itself is that starchy, but I really had a bit of difficulty swallowing the dough. It was super duper salty, which is something you really don't expect from a Taco Bell product. After a few chews, I was able to gulp it down sans incident, but just to be on the safe side? If you plan on eating one of these things, I HIGHLY suggest having a beverage nearby. 

The other taco biscuit, strangely enough, did not look anything like its menu stablemate. Here, the cheese seemed to almost seal the taco biscuit shut like an envelope, with the yellowy-egg contents flowing from the sides of the item like a set of yolky jug handles.

Strangely enough, the bacon, egg and cheese taco biscuit was something of a misnomer, since the contents therein were actually much closer to being bacon bits than legitimate bacon strips. Even weirder, the bacon bits were literally buried underneath the eggs, residing in this shadowy, subcutaneous cavern near the bottom of the biscuit. From a logistical standpoint, the problem here should be obvious -- every time you tilt the taco biscuit to take a bite, half the goddamn bacon rolls out the other side. Granted, it's not exactly a problem that's unsolvable (if you pinch the corners of the biscuit shut, nowhere near as much salted pork flows out), but it's still a bit of a nuisance, especially for a breakfast item meant to be eaten on the go. 

As decent as the Taco Biscuits where, however, if you stop by any Taco Bell in the morning and don't walk away with some kind of Crunchwrap permutation, you've failed life and hard. Seeing as how I've already tried out the gravy sausage and California avocado blends, I decided to try out the only A.M. Crunchwrap offering that, up to this point, I haven't wrapped my lips and bicuspids around; the steak, egg and cheese variation.

As expected, the stuff was just dynamite. Never in a million years what I have thought smashing a hashbrown inside a tortilla and marinating the inside with chipotle sauce would've led to a superlative fast food offering, but paint me all shades of wrong, folks. Really, this concept has no boundaries; I am convinced you could chunk Spam and pineapple rings inside one of these things and it would still taste marvelous. Needless to say, the steak, egg and cheese 'Wrap was an utter delight, and in my humblest o' opinions, worlds better than either of the taco biscuits I tried. It's no skin off the proverbial tits of the biscuits, though; they were quite good for what they were, but frankly, outside of the weird shape, they weren't anything you couldn't pick up at a gas station. This Crunchwrap though? There's only one place in the freaking world you can get one of those, and I reckon it's some of the best money you'll spend on any kind of breakfast offering, fast food or otherwise. That kind of begs the question, however: why isn't Taco Bell selling these babies all day long? I await your response, Bell ... me and everybody else in America. 

SPECIAL HAPPY GOOD TIME BONUS EXTRA ADDITIONAL MATERIAL!

TACO BELL'S NEW DIABLO SAUCE!

One of my biggest complaints about Taco Bell has always been the sauce selections. Not only did they take away that really savory, smoky salsa that used to come in a purple packet, the so-called "fire sauce" the establishment has been touting as its "hottest" condiment is one of the most pitifully weak offerings of its kind at any restaurant. At least the guys at Huddle House leave a bottle of Tapatio to sprinkle on your omelets -- at the Bell, we are afforded no such luxuries.

While Del Taco tends to lose the overall food quality battle, they've no doubt trumped Taco Bell in terms of sauces for years now. Well, much to my jubilant surprise, I recently learned that T.B. has begun offering an all new "Diablo Sauce," and fellas, it does NOT disappoint. The packaging alone is just bad-ass, a pitch black packet with about two dozen scorching hell fires emblazoned upon it. Before you even open this sucker up, you just know it's going to tear your tongue a new asshole. You know, if tongues actually had assholes and stuff. 

It's kind of hard to describe the overall taste and texture of the sauce, but I assure you it is nothing at all like the puny "fire sauce" offering. In addition to have a spicy kick that at least equals Del Taco's hottest salsa, the newfangled Diablo Sauce is also a lot smokier and chunkier, with a nice, meaty flavor that really adds some texture to your burrito. Not only is it hot as hell, it's also flavorful as hell, and it really gels quite well with a whole host of Bell offerings. I'm not quite sure if it is a regional-only item or something that's gone nationwide, but the next time you're near a Taco Bell, feel free to waltz on in there and ask the manager if he or she has a couple of packets in yet. And then, when their back is turned, stuff about 20 of the motherfuckers into your pockets ... remember, the unspoken social code considers condiments public amenities, and are therefore free to all. 

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Taco Bell's New Crunchwrap Sliders!

There's a new trio of dollar menu offerings at the Bell, but are they worthy of your hard-earned Washingtons?

It's another new year, and with it comes yet another all-new assortment of limited-time only Taco Bell dollar menu products. Goodness, how time flies ... it seems like only yesterday we were all awaiting the launch of the Loaded Grillers, with breathe much bated.

So, our latest trifecta of value-priced products are a variation of the restaurant's famed "Crunchwrap" offerings. Sure, sure, the Bell can make a damned delicious sausage country gravy and guacamole breakfast wrap, but how do they fare when taking that shit into T.G.I Fridays territory?

The trio of sliders are all modeled after your standard Applebee's appetizers. There's a chipotle-soaked shredded chicken iteration, a beef and nacho cheese stuffed version, and most interestingly, a bacon-lettuce-and-tomato permutation. Oh, and all three items are crammed with Fritos fragments, because I guess corporate probably ordered way more chips than they actually needed for their other revamped dollar menu line-up.

One of the things I really, really liked about the products was the packaging. They come in these little mail envelope packages, and the artwork on both sides is pretty neat-looking. Yeah, it is a bit basic, but I like the simplicity of the pattern -- it totally feels like something you would have gotten at the restaurant circa 1991, and who would ever want to complain about something like that?

And on the back, you get a quick bio-piece on all three Crunchwrap Slider offerings, complete with a fairly dictatorial encouragement for you to continue to consume, "They Live" style. I actually like the back packaging design here, and wished the establishment used the format with their other products ... if nothing else, so I know what the hell is actually in the meal I just purchased.

And here's the trifecta, unsheathed, unwrapped, and in all of their chunky, greasy and goopy glory. You know, as delicious as Taco Bell is (for the most part), they certainly produce some of the most unappetizing looking products in the history of the fast food business. There's probably a reason why a majority of their line up is tortilla swaddled -- shit, if you opened the top of a hamburger and saw this stuff under the bun, would you continue to chow down?

All right, item number one is the beefy nacho wrap thingy, and it is PRECISELY what you would imagine it to be. Seasoned, super-watery ground beef that may or may not be made out of centipedes and crickets? Check. Copious amounts of molten nacho juice? Accounted for. A bunch of mushy, squishy Fritos chips, who are there for no real purpose or utility? Sadly, that's affirmative.

Of course, this stuff is ultimately critic-proof. It may not be all that innovative, but it gives you what you want, expect and enjoy, and in one convenient, easily fistable, ninja-throwing star shaped package. Mmm, that hits the spot ... the spot that tastes like everything else on the Taco Bell menu, evidently.

I have a downright unhealthy obsession with chiptole sauce and/or sauces, so this was easily my favorite of the threesome. Strangely enough, chicken is probably my least favorite of the big three land animal meat varieties in the U.S., but the spiciness and cheesiness of the item definitely made the entire package -- as a big, fattening whole -- really delectable.

Additionally, this was the only one of the three sliders that I thought actually benefited from having the Fritos chunks embedded in it. If you like zesty, crunchy and just mildly mouth-scorching fast food, odds are, you're going to love this one right here.

Then, we arrive at the BLT slider, which was probably my least favorite of the bunch. It's a shame, too, because this is clearly the most unique of the three, and I really, really wanted to like it for its lighter taste and texture -- it being one of the few dollar menu offerings at the restaurant that doesn't feel like half a pound of animal flesh and fried chips tightly wound inside a flour carapace.

There's certainly a nice salad taste going on, but the bacon bits didn't really gel with the avocado sauce, which I ultimately thought to be pretty bland. That, and the Fritos chunks feel TOTALLY out of place within the product, resulting in a weird, inconsistent smooth-crunchy-salty-flowery flavor that just wasn't working at all. It's a nice try and all, but unfortunately, I don't think this one will ever be a repeat buy for this Bell enthusiast.

All in all, you really can't complain about the Crunchwrap Sliders. I mean, for God's sake, they're just a dollar -- if you're going to complain about a monetary loss that slight, you're better off dining at Del Taco, with their robust assortment of $0.59 burritos, anyway.

The chicken one was really good, the nacho beefy one was solid (if not a tad too predictable) and the BLT one was an experiment that, while interesting in design, just wasn't executed in a manner all that palatable. Ultimately, my biggest slight against all three was the inclusion of the Fritos chips, which were about as superfluous as superfluous can get. Indeed, it's a trend for the Bell that's starting to worry me, that from here on out, they're just going to jam chips inside their existing products, dab some extra sauce on it, and boldly call it a "new" offering.

But, yeah, like I was saying, they're just a dollar, and if you're hungry, they'll do you. And in that, isn't that why we love Taco Bell in the first place?

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