The New FIERY Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell!

More of the same, are something altogether unexpected?

I know what you’re thinking. Does the world REALLY need a third Doritos Locos Tacos, especially one released so soon after the second iteration?

You know, I was skeptical, too. While I was reasonably happy with the original, nacho-cheese-flavored  DLT, I can’t say I was too enamored by the Cool Ranch variation released just a couple of months ago. Upon hearing about this tertiary offering -- the FIERY Doritos Locos Taco -- I had my reservations. Really, what were the odds of Taco Bell merely speckling some chip dust on one of their Volcano Tacos and calling it good enough here? In my estimates, that would be considerably high, indeed.

At this juncture, I suppose elaboration on the DLT phenomenon is pretty much unnecessary. It’s your standard taco, only the shell is shellacked with Doritos flavorings -- really, what more do you need to know about the product than that?

I was quite suspicious of the FIERY DLT, especially since the “FIERY” was in all capital letters, being all ostentatious and shit. Beyond the crimson red shell, there really wasn’t much of an aesthetic difference between this product and the other two -- or really, any other taco, for that matter.

As you can no doubt see, you have two FIERY DLT options. There’s your standard DLT taco -- which comes with beans and/or meat, cheese and lettuce, and the special edition SUPREME FIERY DLT, which has an added smattering of sour cream and tomato chunks on it. It’s also more expensive, by a couple of dimes and nickels, I believe.

The most surprising thing about the new FIERY DLT, I suppose, is that it actually tastes, you know, good. As in, really, really good, and surprisingly distinct for a Taco Bell menu item. As stated earlier, it would have been ridiculously easy for the establishment to just re-coat its famed Volcano Tacos in some Doritos spices, but these newfangled offering actually tastes A LOT different from that other red-shelled, spicy comestible hawked by the eatery.

Of course, the FIERY DLT is a bit spicy, but that’s not what sold me on it. What sold me on it was its surprising, twangy lime taste, which really complemented the other spicy textures on the shell. I’ve never actually tried Fiery Doritos before, so maybe the experience here will be a little less drastic if you’ve tried those snacks before, but I was literally taken aback  (well, no, not really) by the item’s taste. Not only is it the best DLT to hit Taco Bell yet, it really is one of the more unique tasting products on their menu, too.

Long story short? The FIERY Doritos Locos Tacos are pretty freaking great, and you should try one. Or seventeen. After all, this is America, you know…

Read More

The All New Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos - - REVIEWED!

Finally, this otherwise worthless trifle we call “life” has meaning again…

Last spring, Taco Bell gave the Doritos Locos Taco -- a popular Southern California delicacy -- a national release. The outcome was a coast-to-coast phenomenon, with the item going on to become the fastest selling menu offering in the fast food chain’s history.

To commemorate the one-year anniversary of the highly popular hard-shell product, Taco Bell recently unveiled its spiritual “sequel” to the original Doritos Locos Taco - - the all new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. Much rejoicing…and with it, corresponding bean sauce-stained pants…followed suit.

As a consumer, you may be asking yourself if an item of the like is truly necessary. I mean, it’s not like the product can taste that much unlike its predecessor, right? Well, talk of the like is clearly the Satanic prattle of commie sympathizers; it’s our divine right as Americans to have as many co-branded, probably-unhealthy fusion snack-fast-food abominations as financially feasible, and the only downside to the matter is that there aren’t more Doritos flavor-flavored tacos out there on the market place. If Benny Franklin were alive today, he’d probably be down at the local TB, two-fisting the new DLTs while singing the praises of modern capitalism. Well, that, or complaining about not being able to own slaves anymore, I guess.

The first thing you need to note about the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco is the packaging. As you can see here, the wrapper scheme is mostly white and blue, indicating a certain “cool” vibe that the marketers behind the item clearly wanted to communicate with would-be consumers.

Additionally of interest is the text printed on the wrappers. There are a lot of “in-your-face” messages scrawled on the packaging, sort of a throwback to the 1990s style of advertising that tried to threaten you into purchasing foodstuffs out of fear of getting your ass kicked. I especially dug all of the hash tags sprinkled liberally around the wrapper. Clearly, this new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco is intended to be something more than a lunch time purchase; it’s truly intended to be the first ever SOCIAL MEDIA TACO, a multimedia experience much more than a dining one. Based on advertising alone, the intent from Taco Bell is clear; you’re not just supposed to EAT the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, you’re supposed to TWEET the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. But, uh, I would probably still advise NOT taking a picture of yourself naked eating the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco and uploading it to SnapChat, though.

I suppose that, in some ways, it can be considered environmentally unwise to wrap an already wrapped-in-cardboard foodstuff in a fairly needless second protective barrier, but I disagree, for the most part. The translucent wrapper “clues” you into the contents of the thing you already bought, with the cardboard Doritos Locos Taco holder shining underneath the translucent exterior packaging like an ethereal spirit. It gets you excited for not just a dining experience, but in some manifestations, a spiritual one, as well.

The cardboard taco holders are actually flip-sided, with one side - a dark blue hue - reminding you that you are eating a new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, while the opposite side - this, a red hued one - informs you that the original Doritos Locos Taco is still available for purchase.

There isn’t much to say about the newfangled Cool Ranch wrapper, other than the fact that it a.) has the name of the product emblazoned upon it, b.) it is mostly azure in appearance, and c.) you can conveniently fit a taco inside it. Courageously artistic, this design choice may not be, but you really can’t fault the thing for it’s functionality, I suppose.

As before, the Bell has granted us two varieties of Doritos Locos Taco; for a smaller fee, you can acquire a standard Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco (pictured here), and for a couple of extra cents, you can obtain a “supreme” version, which in addition to shredded lettuce and cheese, also contains a fair amount of sour cream and diced tomatoes.

As you can see, there’s quite a bit of difference between the two products. What I found most perplexing, however, is that despite the additional contents of the supreme iteration, it’s still very much the same shell size as the standard DLT. It even fits in the same cardboard holder, in something of a minor affront to how physics work. I would probably advise chipping in the extra quarters for the supreme version, if you have to make a choice between the two; hey, a couple of really big tomato chunks are worth it, I say.

As for the shell itself? Unless you have the world’s least impressive Mutant Power, you probably won’t be able to distinguish one of the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos from a standard taco, unless you are up close against the item and witness the gleaming Cool Ranch speckles that are lined around the top of the taco. Unlike the previous DLT, your hands don’t become as coated in junk food dust as soon as you touch one of the shells, so here’s to the R&D techies at Taco Bell University for remedying the absolute largest complaint anyone could have about the first wave Doritos Locos Taco.

Now, as for how the newfangled DLT tastes? I actually preferred this one quite a bit to the original model. As stated before, the fact that one’s hands don’t turn the same color as a sunburned Oompa Loompa by grazing the product is a major boon, and I think the subtler Cool Ranch taste is much preferable to the kinda’ blunt, super corn-chip taste of the DLT 1.0. As yummy as the product is, however, I was still a little disappointed by the general vibe of the product; yeah, you do get something of a Doritos taste when you bite into one, but beyond that? It’s just a standard taco, with all of the regular taco fix-ins. As a HUGE fan of the Loaded Grillers released earlier this year, I was anticipating a little more innovation from the almighty Bell, and while the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco didn’t leave me unsatisfied to any large degree, I still would’ve liked to have seen TB take this gimmick to the next level. How about throwing in some Fritos-flavored croutons or any awesome, proprietary guacamole sauce next time around, guys?

That said, the stuff, as expected, is pretty edible, filling, and worth at least one taste-test. Will the Cool Ranch new breed set the world afire the same way the first round of Doritos Locos Tacos did? Eh, probably not, but if you have a hankering for something grossly-tantalizing at 2 in the morning, it’s an ever-present option, I suppose…

Read More

My DORITOS LOCOS TACOS Review!

Is the limited time item destined for fast food greatness, or is it a high-concept idea better left in the dorm rooms of Southern Cal?

Earlier this month, Taco Bell made the decision to start selling its line of Doritos Locos Tacos - at one point, a popular, regional-only item in California - as a nationwide menu offering. And if you’re enjoying one of them right now, I think you owe me more than just a bit of gratitude for the opportunity to chow down on one.

Now, I’m not saying that this article I wrote last Thanksgiving was directly responsible for Taco Bell’s decision to “nationalize” the item, but…yeah, it probably was. And if they ever decide to make those beefy crunch, Frito’s-lined burritos a full-time offering? Yeah, you might as well send me a tithe every time you bite it into one from hereon out.

To be honest, the news that Taco Bell had nationalized the item was sort of a shock, as I didn’t know it was a countrywide project until seeing advertisements plastered outside my neighborhood Bell a few weeks ago. Imagine writing “I wish they still made Pepsi Clear” on a message board and ambling into a Safeway the next day and seeing a huge ass display for the discontinued beverage right next to the cash register, and I think that about equals the amount of surprise that coursed through my veins and brain tissue upon noting the myriad Locos Tacos posters and banners taped all around the neighborhood eatery.

I suppose explicating the appeal of the Doritos Locos Tacos may be a hard sell for some. If you’re American, however - and especially if you’re a college-aged male in your early to mid-20s - the majesty of such a menu item is basically inherent. For a couple of decades now, really, really stoned/drunk/fat/stoned, drunk and fat college kids have been creating all sorts of bastard amalgamations of junk food, cramming them together in bizarre permutations like Dr. Frankenstein, pending Dr. Frankenstein dropped out of med school to watch “Dragon Ball Z” re-runs for four years on a general education scholarship.

The Doritos Locos Taco Legend began, I suppose, in the dorm rooms of Southern California, where munchies-craving trust fund babies got a dual hankering for both microwaved tacos AND super-salty corn chips shaped like nachos, and lo and behold…history was made. The logistics of how the first Doritos Taco came about however, is something that still leaves me a bit puzzled. Granted, I’ve seen some pretty huge nacho chips in my day, but one would have to uncover at least two gargantuan, once-in-a-life-time, freakishly over-sized chips for the idea of a “Doritos Taco” to even become a feasible consideration. There HAS to be some amazing story there, I am most certain. 

Alas, I guess the really, really big picture behind the nationalization of the Doritos Locos Tacos is that it means corporate America has officially hopped on the Gen Y bandwagon and started catering/pandering to us like some straight up food pimps or something. I guess you can say that Taco Bell is on the cutting edge when it comes to incorporating “user generated” foods on its real-life menu, which isn’t too surprising, since Taco Bell is just about every dope-head and career slacker’s favorite fast food haunt by far. I suppose one could say that it’s cultural co-option of the pettiest kind - essentially, finding a way to turn a profit through LEGAL fusion of already incredibly unhealthy junk food - in effect here, but you know what I say to that? WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA, YOU COMMIE PINKO? Well, that, or it’s a pretty sound strategy, from a business standpoint. Since families these days are too dadgum broke to take the kids out  to eat (and all of those highfalutin, holier than thou neo-yuppies - think: your older brother and sister - avoid fast food because they’re all about veganism and freeganism and all that other post-Occupy nonsense that doesn’t mean anything to anybody), why not turn the DIY, hyper-ironic, food-obsessed youth culture into your target audience? They don’t have children, they haven’t declared bankruptcy (yet) and they really don’t give two inklings of a damn whether or not the high-fat, high-sodium gunk is going to turn them into footless dialysis users in 20 years time. All in all, I’d say that makes the Doritos Locos Tacos - a mishmash of corporate synergy AND pandering to the lowest common denominator (with a bit of youth exploitation thrown into the mix) - arguably the single most democratic thing a fast food business has ever done. 

As for the Doritos Locos Tacos themselves, you may be asking? Well, we actually get two models to choose from: a standard offering, and a supreme version. I guess the primary difference between the two - outside the fact that the supreme iteration will run you about 20 cents more than the regular variation - is that the supreme variety comes loaded with more veggies and sour cream. To some, this may be worth the extra quarter or so that they’re asking for, but in all honesty, it really doesn’t change the flavor or texture of the taco all that much. It’s a definite must-try mutation for completionists, but for the layman or laywoman, I’d advise saving those spare coins for laundry service or something.

To prove once and for all that God himself is opposed to the prospect of Doritos Locos Tacos being released, as soon as I got my bag of newfangled foodstuff home, the freaking electricity went out. Thankfully, daylights saving time was around to give me a little bit of light to do some fast food photography, which not at all masks the fact that I spent a recent evening stuck in my bedroom, eating awesomely gross food in pitch blackness like some sort of B-horror movie subject.

If you are an environmentalist or Eco-conscious person, the Doritos Locos Tacos are no-doubt going to horrify you. In addition to being wrapped in the typical Taco Bell cocoon of waxy paper, these babies also come wedged in a tougher, internal paper casing, which reminds you that, yes, you are indeed eating a Doritos Locos Taco.

You know, sometimes you can just TELL you’re looking at something that’s going to be revered by future generations. The same way New Coke came to “define” the consumer excesses of the Reagan Years, I’m pretty sure a good 10 or so years down the line, we’re going to be watching some special on VH1 with C-list celebrities talking about how amazingly stupid/amazingly great this thing was. Everything about this thing just screams “2012” to me, from the copious use of the term “awesomeness” on the package to the appearance of that now-ubiquitous phone scanner decal on the back of the lining. 

One of the things that STILL shakes me a bit about the item is why it’s called a “Doritos LOCOS Taco.” I’m not really sure why you would need to call it anything other than a “Doritos Taco,” but then again, it does have something of a nice alliteration to it. That, and perhaps it’s the company’s way of issuing the single most subtle mea culpa in business history - I guess what they’re REALLY saying is, to want to try one of these things, you’d pretty much HAVE to be crazy.

Empirically, the items really look like your typical, run of the mill hard shell offerings, until you catch that orange-gleam radiating off the taco. True to the namesake, these things are also guaranteed to give you a good case of the dreaded “Doritos fingers” syndrome, meaning that unless you eat this thing with a fork, you’re going to have orange dust all over your hands, your clothing, and most likely everything within ten feet of you once you’re finished with the meal.

So, the ultimate - and really, the only - question worth asking at this point is whether or not these things are actually any good. Admittedly, I wasn’t a huge fan of the items, primarily because I’m just not that big a fan of Doritos in general. As you can clearly see, you get A WHOLE LOT more stuff inside the shell with the supreme iteration, but don’t let your pupils fool you, because it tastes pretty much the same as the standard taco. While there is definitely a slight “Doritos” taste to the offering, it’s really a whole lot subtler than it probably should be, which is most likely a good thing - I suppose if they went ALL out and dusted the shit out of the shell with nacho powder, it would presumably be so overpowering and dry-mouth inducing that you’d have to dip your head into a bucket immediately afterward to avoid oral desiccation. 

To be honest, I do have some pretty weird culinary tastes. I mean, some really, really weird ones. That said, I think the Doritos Locos Tacos were a bit underwhelming, and something I really wouldn’t advise going out of your way to try…unless you’re like me, which means you hate money and owning a functioning colon.

But, of course…you’re going to try them. You have to, because alike me, you are hopelessly addicted to the tackiness of consumer culture, and since its relatively cheap, it’s a cost-effective means of quelling a night’s hunger pangs. That, and I really don’t think the national response for these things is going to be enough to warrant an encore, so if you want to give it a tryout, I’d surmise that now is probably your only opportunity to do so.

In other words? Yeah, we’re probably not looking at the next McRibwich - or hell, for that matter, the next Pumpkin Spice Latte - with this stuff right here.

In the mood for more fast food fury?

Check out my review of McDonald’s old school Halloween pails RIGHT HERE!

Read More