2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 15!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"I Can Smell The Finish Line From Here..."

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (12-2)

Season Point Differential: +159

It was a close one, but Nick Foles (24 for 38 for 237 yards, 4 TDs) and company managed to outlast the Giants 34-29 over the weekend. The win officially grants the Eagles not only the NFC East crown, but guarantees them a first round bye in the postseason, to boot. Alas, one has to wonder about Philly's secondary heading down the stretch - I mean, they DID let Eli Manning torch 'em for 434 passing yards.

#02

New England Patriots (11-3)

Season Point Differential: +121

With a last second interception off Big Ben's already infamous fake spike attempt, the Patriots managed to outlast the Steelers on the road Sunday. In the 27-24 win, Tom Brady went 22 for 35 for 298 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, with Gronk collecting 168 yards off nine catches. Not surprisingly, the Patriots' rushing attack couldn't hold water against Pittsburgh's backfield, as Le'Veon Bell (117 yards and one TD on 24 carries) managed to outrush the entire New England running back committee by 40 yards.

#03

Minnesota Vikings (11-3)

Season Point Differential: +101

With a 34-7 mudhole stompin' of the Bengals, the Vikes officially locked up the NFC North title over the weekend. The outstanding play of Case Keenum and Latavius Murray continued, with the former going 20 for 23 for 236 yards and two touchdowns and the latter collecting 76 yards and one TD on 20 carries. Also looking fantastic in the outing was receiver Jerrick McKinnon, who wrapped up the contest with 114 yards on seven hauls.

#04

Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3)

Season Point Differential: +66

After apparently securing a go-ahead TD late in the fourth, an overturned touchdown call resulted in Big Ben trying to pull a fast one on the Patriots. Alas, his fake spike cum end zone zip didn't turn out the way he expected, and the Pats managed to pick off the pigskin to win the whole kit and caboodle 27-24. Regardless, Big Ben had an otherwise decent statistical showing, going 22 for 30 for 281 yards, two touchdowns and one INT, with JuJu Smith-Schuster collecting 114 yards off six catches.

#05

Los Angeles Rams (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +166

The Rams DESTROYED NFC West rivals Seattle on Sunday, pummeling the Seahawks 42-7 on the road. Jared Goff went 14 for 21 and 120 yards in the outing, ultimately launching two touchdowns and one interception, but the big story was L.A.'s rushing offense. In total, the Rams' ground gain outgained Seattle's rushers by an astounding 244 yard to 78 yard margin, with Todd Gurley scoring three touchdowns and collecting 152 yards on 21 carries.

#06

Jacksonville Jaguars (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +165

With Sunday's 45-7 demolition of the Texans, the Jaguars secure their first postseason berth since 2007. Blake Bortles had an outstanding outing, going 21 for 29 for 326 yards and three touchdowns, with Keelan Cole collecting 187 yards and one score off seven receptions. Jacksonville's rushing attack also looked pretty good, combining for 138 yards and three touchdowns on 38 cumulative carries.

#07

New Orleans Saints (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +119

Drew Brees went 26 for 36 for 285 yards, two touchdowns and one INT in Sunday's 31-19 win over the Jets, with Michael Thomas reeling in a solo score and 93 yards on nine catches. Back Mark Ingram had a solid showing, too, finishing the game with 74 yards and two touchdowns on 12 carries - this, in addition to the extra 77 yards he chalked up as a receiver.

#08

Carolina Panthers (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +45

Cam Newton and pals rained on Aaron Rodgers' big comeback game, besting the Packers 31-24 in a good 'un. Speaking of Newton, he had one of his best performances of the year Sunday, going 20 for 31 for 242 yards and FOUR touchdown passes. Oh, and he also ran the rock for another 58 yards, because if the other team's front four allows it, why not?

When are teams going to learn to NOT pass the ball against the Pats when they're THAT close to the end zone?

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Atlanta Falcons (9-5)

Season Point Differential: +36

A schtoinked field goal from Tampa Bay in the waning moments of the fourth quarter gift bagged the Falcons a pivotal 24-21 divisional victory Monday night. Matt Ryan (17 for 31, 212 yards, one TD) looked alright, but the real x-factor for Atlanta's win was its rushing game - more specifically, back Devonta Freeman who wrapped up the game with 126 yards and one TD on 22 carries.

#10

Baltimore Ravens (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +89

Unsurprisingly, the Ravens made short work of the hapless, helpless Browns, beating Cleveland 27-10 over the weekend. Joe Flacco went 26 for 42 for 288 yards and one TD, with Mike Wallace (no, not the dude from 60 Minutes) collecting 89 yards on six catches. And despite scoring no touchdowns, back Javorius Allen had a pretty good showing, finishing the outing with 70 yards on 13 carries.

#11

Kansas City Chiefs (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +57

The Chiefs made it two wins in a row with Sunday's 30-13 win over the Chargers - one more victory and K.C. locks up the AFC West, regardless if the Chargers win their remaining two games. Anyhoo, both Alex Smith and Kareem Hunt looked good in the weekend's win; Smith went 23 for 30 for 231 yards and two touchdowns, while Hunt collected 155 yards and one score running the rock 24 times. Oh, and Hunt also had another 51 yards - plus another touchdown - as a receiver; think he's done enough to secure this season's offensive rookie of the year honors?

#12

Seattle Seahawks (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +27

The Seahawks royally shit the bed in Sunday's homestand, falling to the Rams 42-7. Russell Wilson went 14 for 30 for 142 yards and one touchdown in the losing bid, with Seattle's backfield combining for 78 rushing yards - which was barely half the amount of rushing yardage Todd Gurley managed to accumulate against them in his three touchdown day. The loss definitely puts some pressure on Seattle - indeed, their showdown against Dallas this Sunday is pretty much a must win game if they want to have any chance of making the playoffs.

#13

Dallas Cowboys (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +25

The MVP for the Cowboys in Sunday night's 20-17 win over the Raiders? A folded up piece of notebook paper the refs used to measure a crucial fourth down late in the fourth quarter - which gave Dallas what has to be the narrowest first down in NFL history. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Dak Prescott had a pretty crappy game, going 18 for 27 for 212 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions ... both of which landed in the arms of Raiders' cornerback Sean Smith.

#14

Detroit Lions (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +19

Matt Stafford went 25 for 33 for 237 yards and two touchdown passes in the Lions' 20-10 win over Chicago Sunday. The victory keeps the playoffs aspirations of Detroit alive for at least another week - and with two very winnable games against the Bengals and Packers remaining on the docket, there's at least a 50/50 chance the Lions will wrap up their campaign 10-6. The question now is, in a hyper-competitive race for the sixth and final NFC playoff slot, will 10-6 be good enough to cut it?

#15

Tennessee Titans (8-6)

Season Point Differential: -23

The Titans lost a close one to the Niners over the weekend, 25-23. Marcus Mariota went 23 for 33 for 241 yards and two touchdowns, with top receiver Rishard Matthews racking up 85 yards and one score on six catches. Alas, the secondary just collapsed against Jimmy Garoppolo's dazzling aerial attack, allowing San Fran to accumulate 381 yards in the air.

#16

Buffalo Bills (8-6)

Season Point Differential: -42

Buffalo bolstered their wildcard playoff chances with a 24-16 win over the Dolphins on Sunday. T-Mobile went 17 for 29 for 224 yards and one TD pass in the victory, racking up another 42 yards and an additional score running the rock. And the defense made life miserable for Jay Cutler all day long, sacking him thrice, intercepting him thrice and hitting him after the pass five times.

Yeah - this pretty much sums up the Raiders' 2017 season.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Los Angeles Chargers (7-7)

Season Point Differential: +56

Sunday's 30-13 loss to the Chiefs doesn't necessarily make it impossible for L.A. to win the AFC West (or lock up a playoff spot, for that matter) but it's pretty much a given that they're gonna' have to run the table to even think about sniffing the postseason. In case you missed it, Phil Rivers had one of his worst performances of the year in the defeat, going 20 for 36 for 227 yards, one TD and three interceptions - including two lobbed into the arms of Marcus Peters, who had 74 total yards as an unintentional Rivers' target.

#18

Green Bay Packers (7-7)

Season Point Differential: -24

Aaron Rodgers fell short in his return game, succumbing to the Panthers 31-24. A-Rod went 26 for 45 in the losing effort, ultimately tossing three touchdowns - and three interceptions, to boot. And oddly enough, Rodgers - with 43 yards on the ground - was just four yards short of being Green Bay's most productive rusher on the day.

#19

Oakland Raiders (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -43

The Raiders' 20-17 home loss to Dallas Sunday night pretty much ended their season. Derek Carr went 21 for 38 for 171 yards and two touchdown passes, but he cost his team the come-from-behind victory when he tried to dive for a pylon-assisted score ... only to fumble the pigskin, watch it roll out of the end zone and give the Cowboys a touchback and all the time in the world to run out the clock. And as always, if you're a morose sort you can always check out our LIVE play-by-play coverage of the debacle - you sick, sick individuals, you.

#20

Washington Redskins (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -54

Kirk Cousins went 18 for 26 for 196 yards and two touchdown passes in Washington's 20-15 win over Arizona Sunday. Remarkably, the Redskins were able to pull out the W despite being outgained on the ground by the Cardinals 141 yards to 31. I guess that tells you all you need to know about the importance of rushing in today's NFL product, no?

#21

Miami Dolphins (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -90

The Fins came up short Sunday against the Bills, dropping a fairly competitive one 24-16. Jay Cutler went 28 for 46 for 274 yards in the losing effort - which sounds pretty good, up until you remember he threw zero touchdown passes and three INTs. Oh, and the nigga somehow managed to fumble the ball FOUR TIMES, although by some great cosmological fluke, none of them were recovered by Buffalo.

#22

Arizona Cardinals (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -91

In a 20-15 loss to the Redskins over the weekend, THE BLAINE GABBERT went 16 for 41 for 189 yards, zero touchdown passes and one interception. But really, you can scale back his overall production to just 145, considering the five times he was sacked for negative 44 yards. And if that wasn't bad enough, Gabbert also managed to fumble the ball three times, with one of them resulting in a crucial turnover.

#23

New York Jets (5-9)

Season Point Differential: -57

Backup-backup Bryce Petty underwhelmed in the Jets' 31-19 loss to the Saints Sunday, going 19 for 39 for 179 yards, one TD and two interceptions. Bilal Powell had 44 yards and a touchdown on 13 carries and receiver Elijah McGuire hauled in a score in his 48-yard day, but beyond that? Yeah, this offense didn't do much of anything. 

#24

Cincinnati Bengals (5-9)

Season Point Differential: -72

As evident by the 34-7 final score, the Bengals didn't get a whole lot accomplished in their loss to the Vikings Sunday. Andy Dalton went 11 for 22 in the losing bid, for 113 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions, while Cincinnati's running backs attack could only muster 46 yards and one TD on 20 combined carries. Meanwhile, Cincy's defense let the Vikes outrush them to the tune of 124 yards on the ground - with Latavius Murray all by his lonesome outproducing the Bengals' rushing total by 30 yards.

So do you fucks STILL want Colin K. back on the roster now?

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Denver Broncos (5-9)

Season Point Differential: -74

The Broncos thumped the Colts 25-13 last Thursday in a game that saw Trevor Siemian go 5 for 9 for 67 yards and one interception before getting yanked in favor of Brock Osweiler. Os did a little bit better under center for Denver, finishing the contest 12 for 17 for 194 yards and two touchdown passes - plus another rushing score. Also notable? The Broncos rushing attack (led by C.J. Anderson with 158 yards on the day) outpaced Indy on the ground by an absurd 213 yard to 70 yard differential.

#26

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -51

The Bucs kept it close, but some special teams snafus late in the fourth cost them Monday night's tilt against Atlanta. In the 24-21 loss, Jameis Winston had a hell of a showing, going 27 for 35 for 299 yards and three touchdowns. Alas, some cruddy play in the first half - especially a costly fumble in their own end zone in the second quarter - made sure Tampa Bay would never gain ground on their NFC South rivals.

#27

Chicago Bears (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -60

The Bears came up short against the Lions over the weekend, falling 20-10 to Detroit. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubiksy went 31 for 46, 314 yards and one TD pass - plus three interceptions. Oh well, at least Chicago's defense played fairly well in the double-digit loss - after all, the Bears' defense DID manage to sack Matt Stafford four times for negative 35 yards, didn't they?

#28

Houston Texans (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -61

No, the Texans did not look too swell in their 45-7 loss to the Jaguars Sunday. T.J. Yates went 12 for 31 for 128 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, while Houston's backfield  managed to collect 87 yards on 21 combined carries. Alas, T.J. - filling in for the brain-rattled Tom Savage, who probably thinks he's Batman right about now - fared a little bit better against the Jags' ferocious defense than anticipated: over the weekend, they only managed to sack him four times for minus 29 yards.

#29

San Francisco 49ers (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -84

Sunday's 25-23 win over Tennessee makes it three wins in a row for the Niners, who are UNDEFEATED with Jimmy Garoppolo under center. Speaking of Jimmy G., he had a hell of a game over the weekend, going 31 for 43 for 381 yards and one TD pass. Of course, he also got sacked three times and hit after the pass five more times, but hey - nobody said it wouldn't be awhile before those pesky O-line problems are remedied. 

#30

Indianapolis Colts (3-11)

Season Point Differential: -143

Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett had an off night last Thursday in the Colts' 25-13 loss to Denver. The ex-Pat went 17 for 30 in the losing bid, ultimately chalking up 158 yards but no touchdown passes. However, he did manage to muster one rushing TD in the contest - and with 18 scrambling yards on the day, he was Indy's second most productive runner during the affair.

#31

New York Giants (2-12)

Season Point Differential: -127

Even with Eli Manning going 37 for 57 for 434 yards and three touchdown passes, the Giants still came up short against the Eagles Sunday. In the 34-29 loss, Sterling Shepherd had 11 completions, 139 yards and one TD haul, while Tavarres King collected two touchdowns and 70 yards off his only two catches of the day. Alas, the team couldn't do shit in the fourth quarter, collecting a meager 76 yards and zero points in the final 15 minutes of the contest.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-14)

Season Point Differential: -155

And with Sunday's 27-10 loss to the Ravens, Cleveland is now just two defeats away from completing their perfect season. DeShone Kizer's stats over the weekend were pretty much what you'd expect - 20 for 37 for 146 yards, zero touchdowns, two interceptions - and common sense would dictate he probably won't be starting for the Browns come opening day 2018. Hell, it's not even a lock he'll get the start against the Bears this Sunday, if we're gonna' be honest with ourselves ... 

Read More

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 12!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"January Dreams, December Wishes"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (10-1)

Season Point Differential: +160

The Eagles clubbed the Bears silly Sunday, besting Chicago 31-3 in a game that saw Carson Wentz go 23 for 36 for 227 yards and three touchdown passes. Zach Ertz, Alshon Jeffery and Nelson Agholor (a former He-Man villain, I think) all recorded touchdown receptions, while top back LeGarrette Blount finished the outing with 97 yards on 15 carries. And the defense absolutely shut Chicago down, holding the Bears to just 147 yards passing and a LITERALLY retarded six yards rushing.

#02

New England Patriots (9-2)

Season Point Differential: +105

In a 35-17 rout of the Dolphins, Tom Brady went 18 for 28 for 227 yards, four touchdown passes and one interception, with Brandin Cooks and Gronk combining for three TD hauls and more than 160 receiving yards on the day. Dion Lewis led all rushers in the game with 112 yards on 15 carries, and the Pats' D is finally starting to look dominant; at the final horn, they held Miami to just 154 yards passing and only 67 rushing.

#03

Minnesota Vikings (9-2)

Season Point Differential: +76

The Vikes extended their NFC North lead with a 30-23 win over the Lions on Thanksgiving. Case Keenum went 21 for 30 for 282 yards and two touchdown passes while Latavius Murray collected 84 yards and one end zone visit on 20 carries. By the way, Murray's grand total was 21 yards more than the entire Lions' backfield could produce during the contest - a scant 53 yards.

#04

Pittsburgh Steelers (9-2)

Season Point Differential: +65

It was a close one, but a last second field goal was enough to give the Steelers the edge in Sunday night's 31-28 victory. Big Ben went 33 for 45 for 351 yards, four touchdown passes and two interceptions, with Antonio Brown finishing the game with 169 yards and two touchdowns on ten hauls. And dual threat back Le'Veon Bell had some great numbers, too, wrapping up the outing with 95 yards rushing and 88 yards receiving.

#05

Los Angeles Rams (8-3)

Season Point Differential: +123

Jared Goff balled like a motherfucker in the Rams' 26-20 win over the Saints. He finished the game 28 for 43 for 354 yards, two TD passes and one interception, with top receiver Cooper Kupp concluding the contest with 116 yards on eight catches. And despite being outpaced 123 yards to 88 yards on the ground, Todd Gurley still provided a steady run game for L.A., wrapping up the win with 74 yards on 17 carries.

#06

New Orleans Saints (8-3)

Season Point Differential: +100

The Saints' impressive win streak came to an end Sunday as New Orleans fell to the Rams 26-20. Drew Brees went 22 for 32 for 246 yards and one touchdown pass, with Alvin Kamara finishing the game with 101 yards and one waltz into the end zone on six receptions. By the way, Kamara was also the most productive running back on either side of the field, wrapping up the affair with 87 yards and one rushing touchdown on five carries.

#07

Carolina Panthers (8-3)

Season Point Differential: +41

Cam Newton (11 for 28, 168 yards) had no touchdown passes in the Panthers' 35-27 win over the Jets Sunday, but he did scramble for 28 yards en route to recording one rushing TD. He might not be a household name now, but you might want to keep an eye on receiver Devin Funchess; as evident by his seven-catch, 108-yard day over the weekend, he could become very crucial to this offense in the not too distant future.

#08

Jacksonville Jaguars (7-4)

Season Point Differential: +101

The Jags came up short Sunday, dropping a close 'un 27-24 to the Cardinals. In the defeat, Blake Bortles went 19 for 33 for 160 yards, no touchdown throws and one interception, but he did rack up two rushing touchdowns, ultimately concluding the outing with 62 yards on the ground. Alas, Jacksonville's dynamite D didn't have much luck against THE BLAINE GABBERT, who not only managed to accumulate 241 yards against 'em, but finish the game being sacked just once.

The sad thing is, this is actually one of the more intelligent Eagles fans out there.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Seattle Seahawks (7-4)

Season Point Differential: +54

In a facile 24-13 win over the Niners, Russell Wilson recorded three touchdowns - two TD passes and one expedition into enemy end zone running the ball. At the final horn Seattle's QB went 20 for 34 for 228 yards, with an additional 25 yards accumulated on the ground. Leading the receivers corps for Seattle was a pretty unexpected name - Paul Richardson, who concluded the contest with 70 yards on four catches.

#10

Atlanta Falcons (7-4)

Season Point Differential: +35

Julio Jones had 253 yards and two touchdowns on just 12 catches in the Falcons' 34-20 throttlin' of NFC South rivals Tampa Bay Sunday, as Matt Ryan wrapped up the hootenanny 26 for 35 for 317 yards and one TD pass. But hey, if Julio Jones had two touchdowns but Matt Ryan only tossed one, who lobbed the other TD throw? Well, that would be receiver Mohamed Sanu, who lobbed a 51-yard end zone strike in the early moments of the second quarter. (Oh, and by the way: Mohamed Sanu, who is six for six as a passer with three touchdowns over the course of six seasons, technically has the highest career QBR in NFL history.)

#11

Tennessee Titans (7-4)

Season Point Differential: -27

The Titans won a hard fought victory over AFC South rivals Indianapolis Sunday, ultimately overcoming the Colts 20-16. Marcus Mariota went 17 for 25 for 184 yards and a one-to-two TD-to-INT split, while Derrick Henry chalked up 79 yards (but no scores) on 13 carries. Tennessee's top receiver was Delanie Walker, who wrapped up the game with 63 yards and one TD on four catches.

#12

Baltimore Ravens (6-5)

Season Point Differential: +49

It wasn't pretty, but the Ravens nonetheless walked away with a 23-16 win last Monday night over the Texans. Joe Flacco went 20 for 32 for 141 yards and no TD passes, although he did rack up an extra 62 yards scrambling. And the Ravens' D certainly made life difficult for Tom Savage - Baltimore's defense recorded three turnovers off the Texans' QB, including two costly interceptions

#13

Kansas City Chiefs (6-5)

Season Point Differential: +36

After a 5-0 start, the Chiefs have now lost five of their last six, including Sunday's 16-10 loss to Buffalo. Going 23 for 36 for 199 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio over the weekend, there's a LOT of clamoring going on that K.C. might actually bench Alex Smith in favor of Patrick Mahomes. And if they somehow lose to the Jets this weekend, they really don't have an excuse to not wedge in the rookie QB for his first pro career start against the Raiders in two weeks' time.

#14

Detroit Lions (6-5)

Season Point Differential: +30

The Lions kept it close on Thanksgiving, but they still fell to Minnesota 30-23 last Thursday. Matt Stafford went 20 for 35 for 250 yards, two TD passes and one interception, with Marvin Jones collecting 109 yards and two touchdowns on six receptions. Alas, their run game was pure shit; posting 53 on their end, Detroit's D easily allowed the Vikings to accumulate 136 rushing yards on the opposite side of the field.

#15

Buffalo Bills (6-5)

Season Point Differential: -36

A late INT sealed the W for Buffalo, as the Bills survived a tough 'un, 16-10, against the Chiefs Sunday. In the upset win, T-Mobile went 19 for 29 for 183 yards and one TD pass, while the Bills' defense held the Chiefs rushing attack to just 55 yards on the day. Alas, with the likes of Charles Clay and Zay Jones in their receiving corps, does this team honestly have enough depth to win upcoming shootouts against the Patriots, Dolphins and Colts in the month ahead?

#16

Los Angeles Chargers (5-6)

Season Point Differential: +47

The Chargers ram-rodded the Cowboys on Thanksgiving, spanking Dallas 28-6 in front of their home crowd. Phil Rivers (27 for 33) lobbed three touchdown passes in the affair, with Keenan Allen recording a stellar 172 yards plus a TD haul on 11 receptions. And don't look now, but the surging Bolts are now just one game behind the Chiefs for control of the tumultuous AFC West.

How nice of the Chiefs to celebrate Thanksgiving by allowing the less fortunate a victory.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Cincinnati Bengals (5-6)

Season Point Differential: -16

The Bengals won the Battle of Ohio - again - when they bested the Browns 30-16 over the weekend. Andy Dalton went 18 for 28 for 214 yards and two touchdown passes, while back Joe Mixon ran for 114 yards and one score on 23 carries. And because Freakonomics most certainly applies to pro football, despite the final score, the Browns actually outproduced Cincinnati in terms of both aerial and ground yardage - 268 to 214 regarding the former, 169 to 152 as it relates to the latter.

#18

Washington Redskins (5-6)

Season Point Differential: -18

Kirk Cousins (19 for 31, 242 yards) had two touchdown passes and an interception in the Redskins' 20-10 prime time win over the Giants on Thanksgiving night. Receiver Jamison Crowder finished the game with 141 yards and a score on seven grabs while back Samaje Perine hit 100 yards on 24 carries. And Washington's defense (or the Giants' ineptness, depending on how you look it at) came up big time, holding N.Y. to just 84 yards rushing and only 86 passing.

#19

Dallas Cowboys (5-6)

Season Point Differential: -22

The Cowboys got lambasted by the Chargers last Thursday, falling 28-6 in a horrific home stand defeat. Dak Prescott went 20 for 27 in the losing effort, ultimately chalking up 179 yards, no touchdown throws and two interceptions. And without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield, the Cowboys had to make do with Rod Smith - who concluded the game with 41 rushing yards and one TD on nine touches.

#20

Green Bay Packers (5-6)

Season Point Differential: -29

Brett Hundley had his best pro game to date Sunday, but his Packers still succumbed to the Steelers 31-28. The backup QB went 17 for 26 for three touchdown passes, all three of which landed in the arms of different receivers. And running back Jamaal Williams had a pretty good showing, finishing the game with 66 yards and one trip to the end zone on 21 carries.

#21

Oakland Raiders (5-6)

Season Point Differential: -36

With a 21-14 win over the Broncos, the Raiders remain just one game behind the Chiefs for the top spot in the AFC West. Amazingly, Derek Carr managed to rack up 253 yards without the assistance of Michael Crabtree or Amari Cooper - the former who was ejected after scrapping with Aqib Talib early in the first quarter and the latter who, after recording a touchdown early in the second (his only grab of the game), exited the game with concussion-like symptoms. As always, you can relive all of the joy, mirth and warmth of the victory in our official write-up of the game, which can be experienced in part or full anytime you like right here.

#22

Arizona Cardinals (5-6)

Season Point Differential: -75

The Cards pulled off a pretty big upset Sunday, beating Jacksonville 27-24 in a back and forth affair. Amazingly, THE BLAINE GABBERT had one of the best games of his professional career, going 22 for 38 for 241 yards, two passing touchdowns and just one interception. And Adrian Peterson, despite recording no touchdowns, still looked pretty good, wrapping up the contest with 79 yards on 20 carries.

#23

Houston Texans (4-7)

Season Point Differential: -2

In one of the fugliest games of the year, Houston dropped a tough 'un to Baltimore last Monday, 23-16. Tom Savage went 22 for 37 for 252 yards, no TD passes and two interceptions, while Lamar Miller finished the game with 51 yards and one TD run on 17 carries. Oh, and DeAndre Hopkins, despite scoring no touchdowns, had a pretty good showing, fantasy stats-wise: he wrapped up the game with 125 yards on seven receptions.

#24

New York Jets (4-7)

Season Point Differential: -29

Even with Josh McCown lobbing the rock for 307 yards, the Jets didn't have enough gas left in their tanks to stage a late comeback against Carolina, who bested them 35-27 over the weekend. Receivers Jermaine Kearse and Robbie Anderson both finished the outing with more than 100 yards and at least one TD, with the latter racking up two touchdowns on six receptions. Alas, the run game sputtered out entirely, with top back Bilal Powell only able to muster 34 yards on nine carries.

Fuck - what do we have to do to make this the main event at the UFC's Super Bowl Saturday show?

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)

Season Point Differential: -39

Following a 34-20 loss to the Falcons, these Bucs are all but dead in the water. Ryan Fitzpatrick went 27 for 44 for 283 yards, no TDs and no INTs in Sunday's defeat, while Peyton Barber (despite only registering seven yards on five carries) nonetheless managed to collect two rushing touchdowns on the day. Aye, with both Fitz and Jameis underperforming, is there a distinct chance that Tampa Bay could be eyeing a new QB acquisition come draft time?

#26

Miami Dolphins (4-7)

Season Point Differential: -115

With Matt Moore under center, the Dolphins didn't exactly excel in a tough 35-17 loss to New England over the weekend. Jay Cutler's backup went 23 for 34 for 215 yards, one TD pass and two interceptions - but if you factor in the SEVEN times he got sacked (for a grand total of negative 61 yards), his net yardage was a very unimpressive 154 on the day. And the rushing game, to put it mildly, flat out sucked; Miami could only muster 67 yards on the ground, while their D let the Pats mulch up the field for 196 rushing yards.

#27

Chicago Bears (3-8)

Season Point Differential: -75

There ain't a lot of positives to take away from Chicago's 31-3 mauling at the hands of the Eagles. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky had a day to forget, finishing the outing 17 for 33 for 147 yards, no touchdown passes and two interceptions. And with a stellar 12 yards on the ground, he was also the team's leading rusher (and just so you know, factoring in the tackles behind the line of scrimmage, the Bears ultimately wrapped up the game with a grand total of six rushing yards at the final horn.)

#28

Denver Broncos (3-8)

Season Point Differential: -83

Paxton Lynch's pro debut went about as well as the Titanic's maiden voyage. In a 21-14 loss to the Raiders, the former Memphis Tiger went 9 for 14 for 41 yards, no touchdowns and an interception before leaving the game in the third with an ankle sprain. And if that wasn't bad enough, he then spent the rest of the game sitting on the bench, crying his eyes out while Trevor Siemian almost led Denver to a comeback, thus ensuring Lynch won't be playing in an NFL game that matters for a long time to come.

#29

Indianapolis Colts (3-8)

Season Point Differential: -105

The Colts experienced a tough loss over the weekend, dropping a squeaker 20-16 against the Titans. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 17 for 29 for 196 yards in the losing effort, while Frank Gore recorded one rushing touchdown and 62 yards on 17 carries. Also: Brissett, who ate eight sacks over the weekend, is far and away the League leader in eating dirt; heading into week 13, he's been sacked 43 times. 

#30

New York Giants (2-9)

Season Point Differential: -95

After falling to the Redskins 20-10 on Thanksgiving night, the Giants management has made the call to bench Eli Manning in favor of Geno Smith for this Sunday's game against the Raiders. This weekend marks the first time in 210 regular season games that Eli won't begin a game under center for the G-Men; depending on how things shake out down the stretch, we may have actually seen Eli play his last game as a Giant without even realizing it.

#31

San Francisco 49ers (1-10)

Season Point Differential: -97

The Niners hit double digits on the right hand side of the W-L column via a 24-13 loss to the Seahawks Sunday. After CJ Beathard (22 for 38 for 201 yards, no TDs, one INT) went down with an injury, ex-Pat Jimmy Garoppolo FINALLY got an opportunity to toss the pigskin for the Niners. In total garbage time play, he went two for two for 18 yards - including a touchdown zip to former Raider Louis Murray.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-11)

Season Point Differential: -123

Another week, another loss for our Cleveland Browns. In a 30-16 loss to Cincinnati, DeShone Kizer went 18 for 31 for 268 yards, no touchdowns and no interceptions (plus another 39 yards scrambling, with a TD run) while Isaiah Crowell came just five yards shy of a triple digit rushing day. With just five games left on their schedule, the '17 Browns are on the verge of eclipsing the '08 Lions as the worst NFL team of the millennium  - needless to say, we're all rooting for them in their seemingly perpetual quest for futility. 

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2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 11!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"Thanks for nothin'"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (9-1)

Season Point Differential: +132

Pending he doesn't break his butthole or something like that this weekend, Carson Wentz is pretty much a look for this year's MVP award. His outstanding play continued in Sunday night's 37-9 spankin' of the Cowboys, as he went 14 for 27 for 168 yards and two touchdown passes. But let's give Philly's D some props, too - after all, they did force four turnovers (including three interceptions) off Dak Prescott, in addition to dropping his ass four times for negative 32 yards.

#02

New Orleans Saints (8-2)

Season Point Differential: +106

With 5:58 left in the fourth quarter, the Saints were down 31-16 against the Redskins. So, naturally, Drew Brees would toss two consecutive touchdown passes, with Alvin Kamara running it in a two-point conversion to make it 31-31 with 1:05 left in regulation. Of course, overtime rolls around and at the 7:25 mark, Wil Lutz kicked a 28-yard chip shot to give New Orleans quite possibly the single most improbable comeback victory of the 2017 season.

#03

New England Patriots (8-2)

Season Point Differential: +87

Tom Brady went 30 for 37 for 339 yards and three TD passes as the Pats steamrolled the Raiders 33-8 in Mexico City Sunday. Brandin Cooks chalked up an impressive 149 yards and one end zone saunter on six receptions, while Danny Amendola collected 66 yards and a TD haul on eight catches. Oh, and because nobody had the balls to bring it up, the Patriots/Raiders clash coincidentally pitted the absolute whitest team in pro football against the absolute blackest - like you even need me to tell you which is which, either.

#04

Minnesota Vikings (8-2)

Season Point Differential: +69

The Vikes defense held steady against one of the League's most potent offensive threats, as Minnesota thumped the Rams 24-7 Sunday. Case Keenum went 27 for 38 for 280 yards and one TD pass (to wideout Adam Thielen, who finished the game with 123 yards on six catches), while ex-Raider Latavius Murray chalked up two touchdown runs and 95 yards on 15 carries. And let's hear it for that rushing defense - holding Todd Gurley to just 37 yards on the day is definitely something to boast about.

#05

Pittsburgh Steelers (8-2)

Season Point Differential: +67

Big Ben had arguably his best game of the season in last Thursday's 40-17 win over the Titans. He went 30 for 45 for 299 yards and four touchdown passes, with Antonio Brown collecting three touchdown hauls and 144 yards on ten receptions. Still, Le'Veon Bell had a pretty poor showing - at the final horn, he was held to just 46 yards on 12 carries, with no end zone appearances.

#06

Los Angeles Rams (7-3)

Season Point Differential: +117

The Rams fell flat against the Vikings Sunday, losing 24-7. Jared Goff went 23 for 37 for 225 yards but no TD passes, while Todd Gurley could only muster a solo TD and 37 yards on 15 carries. Alas, the defense had no hope penetrating the Vikings offensive line - they recorded no sacks and had only six tackles for losses all game long.

#07

Jacksonville Jaguars (7-3)

Season Point Differential: +104

Yeah, it was just the Browns, but you can't overlook the awesomeness of Jacksonville's D. The Jags held DeShone Kizer to 179 yards on the day, which you might as well roll back to 134 considering the fact "Sacksonville" put him flat on his ass five times for a cumulative loss of 45 yards. And if that wasn't enough, they also picked off the former Fighting Irish twice, caused him to fumble the ball thrice and hit him after the pass eight times.

#08

Carolina Panthers (7-3)

Season Point Differential: +33

The Panthers had a bye last week but Cam and company will be back in action this Sunday for a 1 o'clock (local time) skirmish with the Jets. Speaking of Cam, if you were wondering what his stats were heading into week 11, wonder no more - in ten games, he's racked up 2,232 yards and 14 touchdown passes, plus another 436 yards and four TDs running the ball - which, technically, makes him a more productive ball carrier than Latavius Murray, Marshawn Lynch, Dion Lewis or Adrian Peterson at this point in the season.

Bitch, in Jacksonville they don't play.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Seattle Seahawks (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +43

Seattle came up three points short in a 34-31 home loss to the Falcons on Monday night. Russell Wilson went 26 for 42 for 258 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception - plus he racked up another 86 yards and one rushing score on seven carries. Still, the O-line has gotta' do a better job protecting him; Atlanta defenders managed to sack him three times, knock the ball loose from him once and smack him after the pass eight times.

#10

Kansas City Chiefs (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +42

In what has to be the "get the fuck out of here" upset of the season thus far, the Chiefs actually lost 12-9 to the New York Giants over the weekend. Even more remarkable, Alex Smith managed to lob TWO interceptions over the course of the game, finishing the outing with 230 yards and no touchdown passes. And if that wasn't bad enough for you, you HAVE to see Travis Kelce's attempt at throwing the ball - all I can say is holy goddamn fucking shit.

#11

Detroit Lions (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +37

Detroit just barely prevailed over the Bears 27-24, but hey - a victory is still a victory, especially in this National Football League. Anyhoo, Matt Stafford went 21 for 31 for 299 yards and two touchdown passes, with Marvin Jones Jr. finishing the day with 85 yards and one TD haul on four catches. Alas, this team's ability to stop the run might as well be called a disability to run the ball, considering the defense let Chicago outgain 'em on the ground 222 yards to freakin' 64.

#12

Atlanta Falcons (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +21

It ain't easy beating Seattle on their home turf, but the Falcons did precisely that, eking out a 34-31 victory on the road last Monday night. Matt Ryan went 19 for 27 for 195 yards and two TD passes, with Julio Jones recording 71 yards on five receptions. Running back Tevin Coleman had a pretty decent showing, too - he wrapped up the game with 43 yards and one TD on 20 carries.

#13

Tennessee Titans (6-4)

Season Point Differential: -31

The Titans got rekt last Thursday night, dropping a 40-17 loss to the Steelers. Marcus Mariota managed to lob FOUR interceptions in the crushing defeat, ultimately concluding the game 22 for 33 with 306 yards and only one touchdown throw. But on the plus side? He did manage to creep his way into the end zone for a rare scrambling score - you know, not like it really mattered or anything like that.

#14

Baltimore Ravens (5-5)

Season Point Differential: +42

The Ravens positively SQUASHED the Packers last Sunday, blanking Green Bay 23-0 at Lambeau. Joe Flacco went 22 for 28 for 183 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, but really, this game was all about Baltimore's D; not only did they pick off Brett Hundley three times, they sacked him six times for negative 49 yards and hit him after the pass an astounding eleven times. 

#15

Dallas Cowboys (5-5)

Season Point Differential: 0

The Cowboys got drubbed Sunday night as the Eagles dominated them 37-9. Dak Prescott got intercepted thrice, fumbled away the ball once and was sacked four times by Philadelphia's defenders, as he finished the contest with a scant 145 yards and zero touchdown passes on 18 completions. And don't even ask about this team's rush defense; only able to rack up 112 yards without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield, Dallas' D let the Eagles running back committee chalk up 215 yards on the ground, with two rushing touchdowns.

#16

Green Bay Packers (5-5)

Season Point Differential: -26

Well, shit. What can you say about the Packers' horrendous 23-0 loss to Baltimore at home? Needless to say, Brett Hundley (21 for 36 for 239 yards, zero TD passes and three interceptions) probably ain't going to be the future franchise QB. Indeed, if he keeps playing so poorly, it's hard to imagine any team acquiring him once he's a free agent next season. Which, of course, raises an interesting question: will Green Bay roll the dice on a first round backup QB in next spring's draft? Considering what this season has taught 'em, I definitely wouldn't bet against it.

Don't you just hate it when you have to admit a white man is your superior?

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Buffalo Bills (5-5)

Season Point Differential: -42

Woo boy, I reckon it's safe to say the Nathan Peterson experiment is over in Buffalo. In a horrific 54-24 loss to the Chargers, Nate The Not-So Great lobbed FIVE interceptions, including a pick six tossed into the arms of Korey Toomer barely three minutes into the first half. Completing six of 14 passes, Peterson finished the game with a literally retarded QBR of just 0.3 - thus, ensuring this guy probably won't ever start in a pro football game ever again, unless that shit's happening in Canada on a 110-yard-long field.

#18

Los Angeles Chargers (4-6)

Season Point Differential: +25

Considering the fact L.A. beat Buffalo by 30 points, I reckon it's safe to say the Chargers had a pretty good day on Sunday. Phil Rivers went 20 for 32 for 251 yards and two touchdown passes, with Keenan Allen finishing the game with 159 yards and two touchdown hauls on 12 completions. And yeah, the defense had a field day, too - at the final horn, the Chargers' defense racked up six turnovers, including two defensive touchdowns off an interception in the first and a fumble recovery in the third.

#19

Houston Texans (4-6)

Season Point Differential: +5

In a 31-21 win over Arizona, Tom Savage went 22 for 32 for 230 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception. Back D'Onta Foreman had two rushing touchdowns on the day, wrapping up the contest with 65 yards on ten carries, while DeAndre Hopkins finished the outing with 76 yards and one end zone visit on only four receptions. And the Texans' D totally stifled any and all attempts by the Cardinals to run the ball; at the final horn, Houston held Arizona to a meager 48 yards on the ground.

#20

New York Jets (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -21

The Jets were grounded for a bye last week, but they're back in action this Sunday for an afternoon tilt with the Panthers. In case you're wondering (and I know you're not, but just play along like you give a shit), the Jets are averaging 306.9 yards a game, giving them the League's 25th ranked offense heading into week 12. Defensively, they're doing slightly better - allowing 346.9 yards a game, their D is currently ranked 21st in the NFL.

#21

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -25

In an all Florida showcase, the Bucs outlasted the Fins 30-20 over the weekend. Tampa Bay is now 2-0 with Ryan Fitzpatrick under center - during last Sunday's game, he went 22 for 37 for 275 yards and two touchdown passes. So, uh, does that mean we officially have a quarterback controversy on our hands down there in Tampa?

#22

Washington Redskins (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -28

There are heartbreaking losses, and then there are "holy shit, did we really just give up a 15-point lead in the final six minutes of the ballgame?" Well, that's a misery not a whole lot of us have experienced, but it's one the Washington Redskins certainly know firsthand following their 34-31 overtime loss to the Saints. At least Kirk Cousins can take some solace in posting some pretty good stats - going 22 for 32, he finished the game with 322 yards and three TD passes.

#23

Cincinnati Bengals (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -30

The Bengals just narrowly held onto a 20-17 win against the Broncos, but hey - a victory is still a victory, no matter how small the margin. Anyhoo, Andy Dalton had one of his better performances of the year, going 15 for 25 for 154 yards and three touchdown passes against arguably the League's best overall defense. Even weirder, the Bengals not only won the game even though the accumulated substantially less rushing and passing yards than the Broncos, they even won despite two costly fumbles.

#24

Oakland Raiders (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -46

Well, after getting their asses kicked 33-8 by the Patriots down Mexico way, the Raiders are pretty much all but eliminated from playoffs contention (barring an absolutely miraculous late season run, but let's get real - that shit ain't happening.) Derek Carr had a just sorta alright game (28 for 49 for 237 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split), while Marshawn Lynch finished the game with 67 yards on 11 carries. And, as always, if you ever get a hankerin' to relive the misery as it happened, you can check out our LIVE play-by-play coverage from the event anytime you want right here.

You know the best thing about this video? It could come from any year since 1999.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Arizona Cardinals (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -78

The Cards couldn't get their run game goin' against Houston in Sunday's 31-21 defeat. In fact, Adrian Peterson could only muster a paltry 26 yards on 14 carries, and THE BLAINE GABBERT hardly performed any better playing quarterback. Sure, he did finish the game with 257 yards and three touchdown passes, but he also racked up two interceptions, a fumble, and ate two sacks for negative 13 yards - not exactly stats you'd consider jumping out of your seat over. Jumping off a bridge, though ... 

#26

Miami Dolphins (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -97

The Dolphins continue to flounder, falling 30-20 to Tampa Bay Sunday. Jay Cutler (six for 13, 83 yards, one TD) wound up getting the bench treatment after lobbing three picks. Backup Matt Moore, however, played significantly better, wrapping up the game 17 for 28 for 282 yards and one touchdown pass. Oddly enough, Miami outyarded Tampa Bay running and throwing the ball, but alas, when you commit five turnovers and your opponent has zero, I reckon all the yardage in the world won't pull a W out of thin air, will it?

#27

Chicago Bears (3-7)

Season Point Differential: -47

In a narrow 27-24 loss to Detroit, Chicago definitely beat the Lions on the ground. Jordan Howard's 125 rushing yards eclipsed Detroit's total rushing production by more than 50 yards, and at the final horn the Bears outpaced Detroit by a 222-to-65 rushing yardage differential. Still, Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky is struggling - he wrapped up the game 18 for 30 for 179 yards, no touchdown throws and one interception on the day.

#28

Denver Broncos (3-7)

Season Point Differential: -76

The Broncos continue to spiral down the commode, dropping last Sunday's game against Cincinnati 20-17. Despite outyarding the Bengals in the air 254 to 154 and on the ground 112 to 49, Brock Os and pals just couldn't seem to sniff their way into enemy end zone; alas, will the Broncos' fortunes improve when they start Paxton Lynch against the Raiders this Sunday, or will their six game losing streak hit (un)lucky number seven?

#29

Indianapolis Colts (3-7)

Season Point Differential: -101

The Colts had a bye over the weekend and return this Sunday for an intra-AFC South scrap with the Titans. Posting 300.8 yards a game, Indianapolis possesses the League's 28th ranked offense heading into week 12; defensively, they fare even worse - allowing 395.8 yards a contest, their D is ranked 30th overall.

#30

New York Giants (2-8)

Season Point Differential: -85

Believe it or not, the lowly, lowly G-Men managed to best the Chiefs 12-9 last Sunday. As fate would have it, Orleans Darkwa's lone rushing TD was the difference maker, as he finished the game with 74 yards on 20 carries. And not that it's a surprise or anything, but Eli Manning didn't exactly set the world on fire with his stats, despite the W - he wrapped up the contest 19 for 35 for 205 yards, no touchdowns and no interceptions.

#31

San Francisco 49ers (1-9)

Season Point Differential: -86

After a bye, San Fran hosts Seattle this Sunday for a pivotal - well, not really - NFC West showdown. Averaging 325.9 yards a game, the Niners have the League's 22nd ranked offense. And if you think that's lackluster, you ought to take a gander at the defense; allowing opponents an average of 379.8 yards a game, their D ranks 27th in the NFL.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-10)

Season Point Differential: -109

If it's any consolation - and no, it really isn't - at least the Browns kept it somewhat close in their 19-7 loss to the Jaguars. To be fair, their defense DID hold Blake Bortles to just 154 yards, although their defense also let Leonard Fournette run circles around 'em for 111 yards on the day. Needless to say, there are a LOT of broken pieces this team needs to fix before they can be competitive - hell, if they keep stinkin' it up like this, they might as well give 'em TWO number one draft picks come next spring (that, or the League's gonna have to start spotting Cleveland 10 free points each game, just so the other teams will be quasi-inspired.) 

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