Fuck EVERYBODY Running for Georgia's 6th Congressional District

Republican, Democrat, it doesn't matter - representative politics is a load of hooey, and nothing demonstrates that better than this Tuesday's congressional runoff.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

I hate politics. But as boring and annoying as international geopoliticking may be, at least at has some cool stuff in it, like laser guided missiles and bacterial warfare. Unfortunately, you won't find robotic death machines and empty threats to invade rival nations to loot their precious natural resources in state-level politics, and you sure as hell won't see 'em in local level politics. Instead, you'll just hear a bunch of bickering and bitchin' about zoning ordinances and millage rates - i.e., topics about as interesting as the prospects of waxing your big toe. 

I should know that better than anyone, since I spent a couple of years covering local level government when I was a shittily paid reporter back in the day. There's no real way to adequately describe how boring it is to sit in city hall for six hours watching a whole bunch of cracka' motherfuckas' take turns debating the merits of increasing business license application fees and applying for block grants. I guess it's kinda' like sitting in a REALLY boring church service, except worse because at least at church you get some songs and if you're lucky, a wafer and a cup of juice. But when it comes to the great secular worship service, the only thing you get is uncomfortable seating and so much hot air, you kinda' want to run your hands underneath the podium to dry 'em off. 

Which brings us to my home state's 6th congressional district runoff - i.e., the most annoying fucking thing that's happened in Atlanta all year, and considering that also includes the time traffic was slowed to a crawl for two months because a crackhead set Interstate 85 on fire, that's saying a lot. 

Here's what you need to know about the state's 6th congressional district (and trust me, there ain't a whole lot for you to learn.) It encompasses a swath of about 700,000 people over a suspiciously arbitrary sliver of four different counties. The district is overwhelmingly white (about 72 percent of the total populace is mayonnaise colored) and stinkin' rich (the average household income is $72,000 - the average for the rest of Georgia is just $50,000.) Since 2000, the district has been more or less owned by Republicans, with Johnny Isaakson (now one of Georgia's U.S. Senators) and Tom Price (now the U.S. Health Secretary) being the only two men to represent the district over the last 16 years.

So, yeah, basically, it's been totally unwinnable RINO territory for liberals. That is, until this year, when this young up-and-comer named Jon Ossoff entered the race as a democratic challenger and actually won 48 percent of the vote - thus, facilitating a runoff against leading republican challenger Karen Handel on June 20. 

We'll get back to the specific candidates in just a bit. But first, we've got to talk about the national resonance of this particular election, which is apparently is so strategically important that even the fuckin' President of the United States is tweeting about it. 

Now, it's kinda funny that nobody gave a shit about the 6th district until recently. Remember, I lived and worked in the damn place for the better part of a decade, and nobody anywhere considered it a nationally significant congressional district. But all of a sudden, the fact that a dimmicrat might actually win the whole kit and caboodle has all them politicos in D.C. in a tizzy. After all, this is solid red clay Republican soil, and the idea of some lanky liberal coming in there and wresting the territory away from the conservatives just HAS to be a proxy referendum on Trump and a sign that the rural hoi polli are finally shying away from the G.O.P., right? 

Don't believe the narrative, kids. The way the national media has spun it, you'd think Georgia's 6th congressional district was home to NOTHING but MAGA-hat-wearing N.R.A. members with 17 different rebel flags on their trucks. Well, take it from somebody whose actually paid taxes in the district - that ain't the kind of "deep south" we're talking about here. 

Georgia's 6th district is basically a lily-white suburban stronghold, predominantly populated by out-of-region transplants. These aren't guys named Clem and Cletus who work on trucks for a living and spit tobacco on their kitchen floor. The aggregate 6th district voter is some guy named Chad or Gerald, who works as a financial planner or I.T. specialist for one of them big tech firms in Atlanta. He drives an Audi, he has 2.3 kids, and he was probably born in Pennsylvania or New Jersey. If by some chance he actually was born in the region, he almost certainly went to a big name SEC school and his family's wealth can probably be tied to owning a plantation at some point in their bloodline. Yes, he's more likely to vote republican than democrat, but he's anything but a populist. He's a firm believer in status quo, establishment conservative politics and he probably jacks off thinking about open trade and globalization when his wife is shopping at the latest and greatest "mixed use development" shopping behemoth. He probably doesn't own a gun, but he's in bed with Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio and the rest of their ilk because they'll keep his taxes relatively low and provide him plenty of opportunities to offshore or outsource jobs to guys named Habib instead of paying a local worker to do the same job at double the cost. 

So, in other words, most of the voters in the district are what we would call "elitists." They've got money, they've got wealth, they've got retirement plans and they're every bit as entitled and class-conscious as your average first-year liberal arts college social justice warrior. In that, it makes sense that so many of 'em would jump ship from the post-Trump G.O.P. and its populism uber alles message to the dimmicrats, whose anti-economic-nationalism platform is actually more attuned to their own financial wants than the republicans.

Then again, you might be wondering how some scrawny, Jewish, 30-year-old kid with a Brillo Pad haircut who's never held any kind of public office before could have ever been catapulted to take over Georgia's 6th congressional to being with. Well, there's a simple answer for that one: because a whole hell of a lot of democrats from out of Georgia are bankrolling him.

As in, the guy's received more than $8.3 million from liberal sympathizers, and just 5 percent of it came from in-state donors.  Irony of ironies, he doesn't even live in Georgia's 6th district and not only did he attend college out of state, he attended it out of country at the London School of Economics. 

Basically, he's the very definition of a neo-carpetbagger. He's LITERALLY being funded by democratic elites from the northeast and west coast to impose their political ideals on Georgia's native born (you know, the few left in the district who haven't been displaced by U.N.-approved ethnic cleansing "resettlement projects" and socially-engineered migration "cultural enrichment" programs.) His campaign is basically a putsch to enforce alien rule on a nominally sovereign community simply for the sake of bolstering the dimmicrats' voting power in congress. He has no idea what the needs of the community are and he doesn't care. He's just there as a liberal puppet, another warm ass in a seat in D.C. to help the dimmicrat agenda.

It's not surprising the attack ads against him have focused on that - something he hasn't even tried to refute in his own campaign clips. In one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my life, one anti-Ossoff ad brilliantly shows a whole bunch of stereotypical San Fran liberals talking at length about how happy they are to see Ossoff running in Georgia, complete with hippie chicks talking about how glad they are to see military spending cut because, in her words, "ISIS is overrated." There's also another good 'un showing Ossoff dressed up like Han Solo in college that busts his balls so hard that it's pretty much a guarantee that he's going to be pissing dust for the rest of his life. Needless to say, you need to see both of these things right fucking now:

The problem is, his opponent - 55-year-old, approximately 300-pound MIL-to-definitely-not-F Karen Handel - is every bit is annoying and full of dookie. If Ossoff is your dime-a-dozen liberal turd, Handel is the all-too-predictable republican counter-shit in the other stall that's just as damn stanky. 

Although Handel does have some experience in public office, it's not like her track record is that impressive. She's been Georgia's secretary of state and a member of the Fulton County Board of Commissioners, and before that, she was a veep of public policy for the Susan G. Komen for the Cure "charity" until they decided to start giving money to Planned Parenthood (she even wrote a book about it, but fuck it, nobody's got time to slog through that mess.) She also ran for the U.S. Senate in 2014 but (obviously) lost. She also ran for governor in 2010, but lost there, too. Basically, Handel is a bitch that loses a lot, but because she has kind of a brand name, the Republicans keep propping her up as *their-girl*. So basically, she's kinda' like John McCain, except I'd prolly have an easier time fucking him than her wrinkled, flabby, whale-hipped ass. 

As for the Ossoff counter-attack, they're basically saying she's a self-centered fat whore who spends taxpayer dollars on chairs and her own SUV and that she would - and this is a direct quote from one of the commercials - "fit right in in Washington." Of course, the Ossoff campaign never mulled the idea that if D.C. is a haven for self-serving turdwads, what does it mean when THEIR candidate wants to go there so much - but hey, by now, nobody expects consistency or logic in politics, especially down here in Georgia. 

Now right here I could give you a quick rundown on where the two candidates stand on issues like health care, military spending and the economy, but a.) you already know what they're going to think based on their political affiliations and b.) like you'd give a fuck, anyway. I'd like to say one of them is the lesser of two evils, but here, each candidate is especially annoying and irritating in their own unique way. Ossoff is literally there just to shoot down everything the Republicans propose in Congress (and possibly social engineer even more native Georgian jobs out of the market to appease his liberal bed buddies), and Handel is just a hammy Republican broad that brings nothing to the table and is going to swallow whatever crap the rest of the Republicans in Congress shat out without ever giving it a second guess.

The sad thing you realize with this runoff is that the concerns of the people who actually live in the area the candidates are representing is literally the least important thing in the minds of either Ossoff the Jack-Off or Karen (the floor can barely) Handel (her weight anymore.) This isn't about giving native Georgians their voice in federal policymaking, it's about the republicunts and demofags marching into our backyard and shoving these two dildo queens in front of us and telling us we need to vote for one of 'em because they'll help carry the red or blue flag of the Great Ongoing Political Culture War in that big old Thunderdome in D.C.

I know it's a drum I've been banging for a long time, but shouldn't we be doing shit truly democratically instead of this Mandaean "representative" bull crap? There's 700,000 people currently residing in Georgia's 6th district, and instead of leaving it up to old Brillo-pad-head or Thunder-thighs, why can't they directly vote in federal referendums? Shit, we don't even need senators or congressmen - every month, we'll just march on down to the polling precinct and pick apart the a'la carte legislative issues and let it come down to good old fashioned majority rules democracy. If we just have to have senators and congresspeople, at least limit their ability to make decisions. Sure, we'll vote you in to make laws on our behalf, but before any of that shit is official let the VERY PEOPLE YOU ARE REPRESENTING have the final say on what Capitol Hill is pushing through the sausage factory.

Representative democracy is, has and always will be a crock of shit, whether it's on the federal, state or local level. It ensures that party politics will always trump regional need, effectively signing away citizens' rights to lobby for their own interests. What we call "democracy" in the States is hardly anything more than an electoral war between dueling oligarchies, and nothing demonstrates the abject sadness of the system more than the two twats duking it out for control of Georgia's 6th district. 

So fuck Jon Ossoff, fuck Karen Handel, fuck everybody who's voting for either one of them and double fuck anybody who actually gave them campaign contributions. Neither Turd A nor Turd B is truly going to represent the hearts and minds of the people, and at the end of the day, absolutely nobody - regardless of their status as "elected official" - should be considered a proxy for your own voice.

Nobody - not no liberal democrat Jew or no fat ass republican she-beast - should lay claim to representing you on anything, and in that, no matter who wins on June 20, Georgia's 6th is hosed. Like thermonuclear war or Tic-Tac-Toe, the only responsible choice on Tuesday is to not vote at all, and if you run into anybody wearing one of those stupid "I'm a Georgia Voter" sticker, you have the Constitutional right to sock their shirt over their head and give 'em a Terry Funk piledriver. 

Every ballot cast - whether it's for a municipal city council seat or President of the goddamn United States - is a vote for politics as is and a ringing endorsement for elitism uber alles. "Representative democracy" is a scam, a scheme, a ruse and a shakedown, and anybody who's proud to forfeit their right to home rule direct democracy in order to promote some counterfeit political savior and his or her dogmatic devotion to the party line ought to be ashamed of themselves.

And the fact that human sanitary napkins like Ossoff and Handel are deemed good enough to represent the public in federal policymaking should tell you all you need to know about the utter futility of politics in these United States, don't it?

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I Went to A Kentucky Fried Chicken Buffet...

...and it was awesome.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

In the American South, there is a longstanding stereotype that African Americans absolutely love fried chicken. As long-time readers of The Internet Is In America can tell you, however, this is actually more of a regional, rural birth rite than any sort of ethnoracial qualifier. I come from a long line of Appalachian trailer trash with skin whiter than albino mayonnaise, and my goodness, we ate fried chicken every opportunity we could when I was growing up. Fourth of July, Easter, Thanksgiving ... I'm pretty sure we ordered a bucket of original recipe and mashed potatoes for Christmas once. The Colonel was such a staple of my diet during my formative years that, even at the ripe old age of 30, I'm pretty sure at least half of my DNA is comprised of whatever they put in that delicious, delicious brown gravy. 

The thing is, I really don't get an opportunity to slake upon KFC's assorted offerings that often anymore. As far as quick bites, the fast food stalwart doesn't really lend itself well to always-on-the-go junk food (and junk culture) consumers such as myself. The containers are bulky, the food is greasy, it leaves bones all over the place, you have to work with all those damn lids, so on and so forth. It's tasty, to be sure, but at Taco Bell or Burger King, all I have to do is peel back a paper wrapper, chew, and occasionally shat out some turquoise-colored after-meal. The Colonel, by contrast, makes you work a little for your calories, and by golly, I need those precious, squandered minutes to do more important things with my life, like write about Robocop cartoons from the 1980s.

But lo and behold, I recently stumbled across something that made me view KFC in an entirely different light. Before we begin, however, a quick primer on the geography of metro Atlanta is necessary. About 90 percent of the city proper rests in Fulton County, a 1 million person-plus, backwards California-shaped swath that stretches for about 530 square miles from Chattahoochee Hills a half hour south of Atlanta all the way to the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains damn near an hour north of the ATL. The county is bifurcated by Atlanta, with the southern portion of the county by and large home to economically-disadvantaged African Americans and the northern portion of the county by and large home to rich white and Asian motherfuckers. 

With a population nearing 100,000 people, Roswell is one of the larger north Atlanta 'burbs, and with an average annual household income stretching well beyond $100K, it's also one of the wealthiest. By and large, it's an utterly unremarkable town, one of those shitty Southern locales that's 90 percent subdivisions and half-filled strip malls, but because they've got a lot of parks and really overpriced downtown restaurants, they tend to think they're a lot better than they really are. Oh, and their mayor is racist as fuck. That probably needs to be mentioned somewhere.

Alas, beyond the ungodly traffic near Georgia 400 and all of the monuments to slave owners, you will find at least one jewel in the proverbial dumpster. Folks, Roswell is home to an all-you-can-eat KFC buffet. 

Conducting subsequent research, I discovered specialty restaurants of the sort - in the same vein as this Chick-fil-A buffet - aren't all that aberrational. In fact, there are quite a few KFC buffets throughout the metro Atlanta area but by golly, this was the first such location my peepers had ever seen. So, what is it actually like to waltz into the place, plop down $8.29 USD and go to town on some biscuits and mashed taters? Well, let's take a photographic journey, why don't we?

First things first, the exterior and interior of the building is rather unremarkable. In fact, if it wasn't for the gigantic metal buffet line, it would be completely indistinguishable from all of the other KFC restaurants out there.  

The set-up was EXTREMELY low-tech. Expecting ceramic plates, a'la Golden Corral? That's elitist bullshit, here at the KFC buffet you have to eat off flimsy plastic trays and honest-to-goodness STYROFOAM plates. And as someone who is well versed in economical household goods, I can almost guarantee you these are the Dollar Tree plate-bowls, too. 

Which brings us to the drink fountain. All in all, it is pretty much what you would expect. In keeping with Yum! Brands tradition, all of the offerings are Pepsi-branded. And perhaps appealing to the region's growing Hispanic audience, the fountain also offered apple-flavored soda, which is definitely NOT something you'd see at most establishments with a high clientele quotient of uppity white folks. 

...unfortunately, I didn't get to try out the delicious-looking apple-cola because the goddamn thing was unplugged. Yes, that's right, they turned off the fountain just in time for the evening rush, so the only thing I could pour down my throat hole was good old fashioned agua.

The buffet itself was broken up into salad offerings, sides and desserts and, of course deep-fried poultry. All in all, it was a rather unremarkable set-up, although the stickers kinda' made up for its abject normalness. 

As far as the veggie offerings go, you had the standard shredded lettuce, onions, coleslaw, carrots and corn. Probably the weirdest thing here was the inclusion of sliced up cranberry jam, which to me, doesn't exactly feel like the kind of thing you want sandwiched in between your original recipe chicken and a gravy soaked biscuit. And speaking of gravy...

Folks, the sides-section is reason enough to visit the restaurant. You get a mountain of mashed potatoes, BOTH kinds of gravy (the smoky, smooth brown sauce and the chunky, milky white variety) and if that wasn't enough, a delicious macaroni jambalaya, too. I'm not sure if it's a KFC diktat or some improvisation from the employees (about half and half Hispanic and African-American), but the beans and rice definitely stood out. The frijoles were embedded with slivers of jalapeño, while the rice had chunks of maize in it, with just a hint of Southwestern seasoning. All in all, it was a downright awesome syncretism of Southeastern soul food and South of the Border home cooking, and it is worth going out of your way to experience. Well, if you live kinda' close by, anyway. 

Eh, and what about the desserts? You are in luck, amigo, because that evening, there was a giant aluminum foil tray filled with peach cobbler, topped by a super-sugary layer of frosting. In an unrelated note, I have no idea why obesity rates in the Southland are so much higher than other parts of the country, either. 

As for the chicken buffet itself? Well, seeing as how I stopped by right when it was closing, the pickings ... to say the least .... were slim. As in, the only thing that was left were the crispy remnants of thighs, legs and breasts patrons gobbled up two hours earlier.  

However, the folks behind the counter were gracious enough to hand me as much fried and grilled chicken from those giant industrial ovens as I wanted. To the franchisers in Roswell, I just want you to know that your crew - as of mid Jan. 2016 - were fucking awesome and everything a fast food crew ought to be. They were prompt, considerate and very friendly, and they didn't even ask any questions when I stuck my camera under the sneeze guard to take up-close photos of the drumsticks. Not all fast food employees deserve $15 an hour, but in my book, the guys and gals at THIS Kentucky Fried Chicken establishment absolutely deserve it. 

You know, there sure are a lot of food snobs out there, especially in the metro Atlanta environs. Just two miles away from this very KFC restaurant there is this thing called Canton Street, which is home to a bunch of ritzy "independent" restaurants that are actually heavily financed by the city's downtown development authority (so much for local governments not picking winners and losers in commerce, no?) All of those crypto-racist, gentrification-and-"walkability"-loving', poor-people-hatin' suburban supremacists can keep their $93 hamburgers and microscopic portions of filet mignon, 'cause I'd much rather kick back, toss down $9 and eat plate after plate of delicious, deep fried chicken with REAL working class Americans. Not only is it a less pretentious and more cost-efficient dining experience, I am damn CONVINCED that the quality of food here is superior to whatever you'd find at those neo-yuppie haunts, anyway. 

So what more can I say? For less than it takes to pick up a DVD, you can slake upon as much macaroni, rice, brown gravy, bean paste and poultry as you want, and it is fantastic. Really, one has to wonder why more restaurants do not offer similar services - I mean, who wouldn't want to visit a Taco Bell buffet? That's right, nobody alive. 

In all seriousness though, visit this place and its kindred. The heart and soul of any small or midsize city isn't in its synthetic,  government-subsidized downtown districts, but in the small franchisees in the pothole-strewn parts of town where the lights don't work half the time. Not only are you subjecting yourself to some extremely decadent comfort food goodness, you are also helping support the true working class and sending a big, fat, hearty "eff you" to the crony capitalist elites. 

I'm still not sure what the famed "seven herbs and spices" are supposed to be, but at this restaurant in the northern 'burbs, I'm pretty sure there's an eighth in every biscuit and drumstick: proletariat pride, and by God, that's something you owe yourself a taste of every now and then. 

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