A random visit to a hole-in-the-wall restaurant in the exurbs of Atlanta, or a stark premonition of what American society, as a whole, is destined to resemble in 20-30 years?
BUFFET REVIEW: Hibachi Buffet (Gainesville, Ga.)
Showing posts with label Georgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Georgia. Show all posts
Thursday, September 19, 2019
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
2019 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week One)
Proudly providing you with the ONLY college football rankings that even remotely matter ...
Saturday, February 2, 2019
The Top 100 Games of the 2018-19 NCAA College Football Season (Part 4: #025-#001)
A four-part series taking a fond look back at the absolute best the college football season that was had to offer!
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
100 Percent GUARANTEED 2018 NCAA College Football Predictions!
You don’t even HAVE to watch the games this year … I tell you which team is taking home the National Championship four months in advance!
By: Jimbo X
Hey, what do you know, the 2018 NCAA football season officially starts tonight, with UCF taking on UConn in what should be a battle for the ages (yeah, right.) Of course, the “real” games start trickling in startin’ Friday night with Michigan State, Wisconsin and Stanford destined to run roughshod over some jobbers, and THIS Saturday we’ve got ourselves a full slate of games, from the Urban-less Buckeyes tangoing with the upset-eyeing Oregon State Beavers at noon all the way up to the 8 p.m. marquee showdown between defending NCAA champs ‘Bama and the post-Lamar Jackson era Louisville Cardinals. And if that weren’t enough, we get some additional football worth a damn Sunday and Monday night, too, with the Hurricanes and LSU going at it on Sept. 2 and Va Tech and FSU clashing Sept. 3.
Which, of course, means it is nigh time for our annual 100 PERCENT GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE NCAA FOOTBALL PREDICTIONS. Seeing as how there’s only about 120-something teams in division uno ball, I reckoned it’d be easier to just make seven all-purpose projections and prognostications in lieu of doing a team-by-team rundown, in the process allowing me to give a few generalized thoughts on each of the Power 5 conferences, throw out some guesses as to which non-fivers MIGHT make a run for it and, ultimately, give you my picks for who’ll be playing in all of the big bowl games … right down to telling you straight up who’s taking home the National Championship come January 2019.
So what are you waiting for? Kick back, open you up a can of Shasta, warm up some Hormel Chili with Velveeta cheese in it and prepare to dig in to these expert college football predictions — not only would I recommend betting the house on these picks, I’d bet your neighbor’s house, too.
Prediction One: Clemson will run away with the ACC
Picking the Power Five champs in 2018 ain’t easy … except for when it comes to the Atlantic Coast Conference, where it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion the Tigers are going to win the whole kit, kaboodle and enchilada. With Florida State and Louisville both in rebuild mode, you might as well pencil in Clemson for the ACC Championship game come December — and with an undefeated record, at that. Naturally, this sets up a clash with a one-loss Miami team for an automatic National Championship Playoffs berth; expect the Hurricanes to hang in there for a quarter or two, but the Tigers should nonetheless win that ‘un by at least 10 points.
Prediction Two: Alabama and Georgia will rematch for the SEC crown
Both sides of the Southeastern Conference should be much improved this year. Despite dropping back-to-back losses to LSU and Florida, the Bulldogs should still rise triumphant out of the east, while Alabama (whose only loss of the season will come at the hands of Mississippi State, a team that wraps up the season with just two losses on their record) should essentially cruise to the conference title game. The rematch of the 2018 National Championship Game should be a good one, but alas, the outcome remains unchanged; anticipate Alabama to squeeze out a close one to punch yet another ticket to the college pigskin final four.
Prediction Three: Wisconsin will win a war of attrition for the Big 10
Thanks to the whole Urban “Shh!” Meyer brouhaha, the Big 10 represents the biggest wildcard in the Power Five playoffs picture. I’ve got the Buckeyes going 1-2 to start the season en route to a previously unfathomable FIVE loss season, with two-loss Michigan, Michigan State and Penn State all roshamboing each other out of the title hunt. Eventually, I’ve got it coming down to Penn State against a one-loss Wisconsin team, who conveniently enough, lost to the Nittany Lions on Nov. 10. In a back and forth slugfest, expect the Badgers to just barely hold on, with a last second field goal giving them the conference championship … and their first-ever trip to the National Championship Playoffs.
Prediction Four: TCU will outgun Oklahoma in the Big 12
I don’t have a lot of faith in the Baker Mayfield-less Sooners to thrive in the pass-heavy Big 12 in 2018, and ultimately see them finishing the “regular” season with three losses under their belt. With Texas, West Virginia and Oklahoma State all dropping four games a piece, that sets up Oklahoma with a two-loss Horned Frogs squad to decide the conference champ. As you’d expect, that little affair is about as defense-deficient as France during WWII, as both teams combine for more than 100 points and nearly 1,000 yards of total offense … with a late strike from TCU in the fourth giving them the decisive one-score advantage.
Prediction Five: Stanford will upset Washington to win the PAC-12
The PAC-12 is the biggest crapshoot in all of college football, and I mean that in more ways than one — not only is it the single hardest Power Fiver to predict on a game-by-game basis, I also think it’s safe to assume that it’s the WORST overall conference out of five, to boot. With USC dropping four games this year, that allows Arizona to sneak into the conference finals with a three-loss record. There, they’ll do battle with a two-loss Stanford team that edges out a previously undefeated Washington team on Nov. 3 to give them the proxy North Division crown. Anyway, they curb stomp the Wildcats in the championship tilt, thus punching their ticket to yet another Rose Bowl appearance.
Prediction Six: Navy will make an improbable run for the National Championship Playoffs
Every year, we keep asking ourselves — rhetorically — if a non-Power Five team could ever make the final four. Well, this year, it’s actually going to happen, as a Navy team that sets a new NCAA record for rushing yards in a season goes undefeated. Chalking up big wins over Notre Dame and UCF (each of whom finish the season as two-loss squads ranked in the top 25), the Midshipmen make a major case to become the first non Power Five team to ever get invited to the final foursome. While the selection process isn’t without some contention (Stanford, TCU and Mississippi State all make strong arguments for their inclusions), Navy does wind up securing the fourth and final slot … thus, putting them on a collision course with Clemson at the Orange Bowl on Dec. 29.
Prediction Seven: It’ll be Clemson vs. Alabama for all the marbles … again
Alright, before we get into the final four, let’s get the other big bowl games outta’ the way first, why don’t we? In the Peach Bowl, I’ve got Georgia besting Miami (Not of Ohio) 29-28 in a thriller; in the Fiesta Bowl I’ve got Mississippi State thwacking Penn State 37-14; in the Rose Bowl it’s Stanford outlasting Notre Dame 20-19; and in the Sugar Bowl, TCU tops Michigan State 27-14.
Which brings us to the fatal four-way, so to speak. In the Orange Bowl, Clemson dashes the Cinderella dreams of Navy in a 40-14 mudhole stomping, while in the Cotton Bowl Alabama holds off Wisconsin 37-28. Of course, that sets up Clemson vs. Alabama (again) in Santa Clara for the National Title, as Heisman candidates Tua Tagovailoa and Trevor Lawrence have a quarterback dual for the ages. In a back and forth affair, it comes down to the final ten seconds as Clemson scores the go-ahead TD strike; Alas, the Crimson Tide just can’t secure the epic comeback, as a Tagovailoa hail mary with one second on the board falls incomplete at the two yard line, officially giving the Tigers the 30-26 victory … and with it, yet another National Championship.
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Monday, June 25, 2018
Buffet Review — Atlantic Buffet (Marietta, Ga.)
What's more American than eating a plate of burritos, sushi, pizza, chicken tenders and ice cream at the same time, anyway?
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX
I believe it was Tocqueville who once said America’s inherent greatness could be found within its churches.
Well, if that fruity Froth were alive today and exploring modern America, surely he’d change his answer to the all-you-can-eat buffet. I mean, is there anything that demonstrates the sheer exceptionalism of the American experience more than being able to eat a virtually endless amount of food while being surrounded by an assortment of really, really fat people of all races and ethnicities?
I’m utterly obsessed with buffets as both a caloric and sociological institution, and thankfully, living in the metro Atlanta area means I’m privy to about a billion of them, ranging from national franchise emporiums of gluttony to bottomless breakfast bars owned by former WCW World Heavyweight ‘rasslin champeens.
Each and every one of them has a certain character and charm all its own, but really, the smorgasbord of foodstuffs is only half the consumer experience. The other side of the equation is the ambiance of the experience, that totally bizarre (and patently American) sensation of eating until you’re about to puke while surrounded by perfect strangers who are also eating until they’re about to puke. Really, going to a buffet in the Deep South is about as close to visiting the Martian bar from Total Recall as any of us are gonna’ get. Sure, we all come for the buckets of fried cheese sticks, butterfly shrimp and brown gravy, but it’s being able to binge and purge while surrounded by people who look like extras from a Frank Henenlotter movie that truly makes the American buffet-going experience such a wonderful rite.
Well, The Atlantic Buffet Sushi and Grill in Marietta represents pretty much everything I love about the local buffet scene and then some.
You’ve got the multiculturalism (drug-addicted white women who weigh 78 pounds breaking bread with 4’8 tall Mexican men, while 300-pound black women from the Caribbean cackle loudly over macaroni and cheese while lanky Cambodian immigrants give them the stank-eye.) Then there’s the deliciously grimy backdrop (it’s situated in a strip mall parking lot that’s half vacant properties and half wandering street urchins named Marley begging you for a loosey.) And, of course, you can’t forget the robust menu (which, as you will soon see, runs the gamut from egg rolls to pizza to enchiladas to ice cream, just like the place was Juwanna Mann’s refrigerator in Friday the 13th Part V.)
But words won’t do us too much good here. Rather, let’s let the photographic evidence speak for its goddamn self, why don’t we?
Before we get into the menu at Atlantic Buffet, I suppose it's only fitting that we'd first examine its aesthetics. The building itself takes up a pretty hefty amount of strip mall space, maybe about 20,000-30,000 square feet altogether. For a metro-Atlanta buffet in a pretty scummy part of town, it was actually astonishingly clean ... especially considering I stopped by on a weekday afternoon, when you'd expect the crew to be half-assing it like motherfuckers.
As I was saying, the restaurant was way cleaner than anticipated. You couldn't eat off the floors or anything like that, but it was nonetheless nice to walk into the buffet knowing I probably wouldn't get salmonella from simply touching one of their forks. Still, it did have a pretty weird smell to it ...
...which I would attribute to the water fountain located smackdab in the middle of the lobby. You know how fountains at the shopping mall kinda' smell like a mixture of Purex and copper? Well, that is precisely what this one smelled like, too. Granted, you'd have to be pretty close to it to whiff said offending odor, but you have to consider these guys nothing short of ballsy to put an adornment that close to the condiment section.
As far as the architecture, it had a weird seafood restaurant vibe to it, with just a few hints here and there of an Asian influence (i.e., that giant fucking Chinese star behind the cash register.) But then again, with all those jugs of vinegar and paprika laying around everywhere, it also had just a mild country buffet atmosphere going on, too, which — considering the shifting demographics of the metro Atlanta region — can't help but seem just a smidge symbolic.
The furniture is exactly what you would think it would be. Heavily used, slightly tattered, with chipped wooden tables and pleather chairs no doubt caving in from many a buffet eater's suddenly engorged asshole. Still, the floors were a lot cleaner than I'd expect, and however scrubbed off the tables last did a pretty good job ... there were no signs of vomit or discarded wasabi sauce anywhere in my dining area.
Don't even ask what was in the giant hand sanitizer bottle on the left. I didn't check, and I didn't want to check, but I can promise you it wasn't hand sanitizer. Along those same lines, I can only imagine the plebs who walk in and just assume the BBQ and honey mustard pumps are for ketchup and regular mustard and wind up jamming their mozzarella sticks in the "wrong" condiment. I bet they really feel bad about themselves afterwards, huh?
Interestingly enough, only the bottom rack of the pizza containment unit contained pizza (if I remember correctly, it was sausage ... so random, I know.) The things on top were garlic rolls, underneath those were those spinach things you get at Greek restaurants and below that was a different kind of garlic bread ... this one, a little less cooked than the ones on top. Needless to say; these things weren't exactly my favorite selections at the buffet.
Even around 3 p.m. the good stuff was starting to get picked clean. I can't remember what kind of fish they were serving, but apparently it was pretty popular with the locals, since that shit just couldn't stay in stock. As a general rule I don't eat oysters even from ritzy restaurants, so naturally, I didn't even bother with the half-shelled offerings here. Oh, and if you're wondering what's on the plate? It's either a chicken dumpling or a prop from that old David Cronenberg movie eXistenZ. I'll let you decide for yourself which is which.
See, I wasn't bullshitting you about that stuff going fast. These patrons were literally leaving nothing but water behind, which sorta begs the question ... why isn't anyone touching their mac and cheese, exactly?
On the left we have some sort of seafood crabcake/salmon clusterfuck and on the right ... uh, a pot roast, I want to say? I'm not really a big fan of either dishes, so I opted to skip the taste test here ... but not before taking some photographic evidence of the culinary crime scene.
Nothing says "modern America" like burritos at an Asian buffet in a neighborhood that's 80 percent black. What's even more surprising, though? Those things were actually surprisingly decent ... and way more flavorful than anything you'd get at Del Taco, for damn sure.
Now we're getting to the good stuff. Greasy asparagus, Mongolian beef, sesame chicken ... all legitimately yummy Chinese or Japanese or whatever fucking country it's supposed to come from. No jokes here — this fare is simply too delicious to make fun of, so let's keep chugging along, why don't we?
The red stuff is a thick, gooey, chili sauce. The yellow stuff that looks suspiciously like a bucket of piss? Well, that's actually something even grosser ... liquefied butter. I literally gained ten pounds and heart disease just smelling this stuff right here.
From left: cheese quesadillas, greasy zucchini and sauteed mushrooms. I'm not sure which country has that kind of cuisine, but hot fuck, do I want to visit it someday.
All these are raw ingredients reserved for the hibachi chefs. Alas, they're also out in the open and easily accessible to any and all wandering buffet customers ... perhaps you can see where there might be some lawsuit-inducing confusion here. Strangely enough, this seems to be a common practice in Asian buffets throughout Atlanta and its hinterlands; in fact, I don't think I've ever been to a thematic buffet that didn't have the raw ingredient buckets placed absurdly close to the normal buffet fodder.
Speaking of raw food, here's the sushi bar. Long story short, all of this stuff is fucking tremendous and if you have taste buds, you'll probably love it. Hey ... it might be worth the stomach cancer.
This is what I like to call the nominal dessert section. I mean, who the fuck considers gelatin and grapes and cut up bananas with grape shit smeared on them desserts? Thankfully, the good shit was right around the corner ...
... that's an entire fridge of single-wrapped brownies and red velvet cake, kids. I'm not going to tell you precisely how many of those things I had, but I can promise you this: it was more than 17.
But that wasn't the extent of their sweet stuff, though. They also had a cavalcade of cookies (which really isn't that uncommon), but this was the first time I've ever been to a buffet that not only served rice crispy treats, but several different variations. Of course, they didn't have the General Mills Monster Cereals Gangbang Special, but then again, it wasn't Halloweentime when I ate there, either.
As for the ice cream, it was your usual assortment. You had vanilla, rocky road, chocolate and cookies and creme. The stuff was really hard, though, and the scoop was way too small to spoon anything out efficiently without getting your hands in the congealed dairy treat. And no, I have no clue what kind of brands they were, so don't even bother asking.
Whatever it was, though, the ice cream was pretty solid. After cramming down God knows how many milligrams of sodium and downing about three cups of instant coffee during the affair (that's a good trick for frequent buffet patrons — not only does the java curb your appetite a little, it also prevents you from filling up your belly with other liquids, thus allowing you to scientifically cram more food in there) I was in dire need of something cold and sugary. You think I'm joking, but according to my FitBit my heart was hitting about 129 beats per minute just trying to process the maddening surfeit of food I just ate, and even in the middle of freaking winter I was sweating like a whore in church. So, yeah, asides and shit; I really liked the cookies and creme ice cream and you probably will, too.
Let's take a closer look at my own individual dishes, why don't we? The sushi bar is the best place to start, naturally, and as you can no doubt see for yourself, these guys have a TON of variety. The fried thingies with the boom-boom sauce on it was my favorite, but the little wanton packet filled with shredded fish wasn't bad either; that, and I goddamn loved their red pepper paste ... that stuff is just plain exquisite.
And here's a closer look at those aforementioned pork dumplings and Greek spinach buns. They may not look very appetizing in photograph form, but I really enjoyed both offerings, considering they presented two totally diametric gustatory experiences; one was greasy and chewy, the other was flaky and buttery. That's a hell of a combination, really — maybe not "buddy cop movie" duo good, but quite good nonetheless.
Outside of the burrito and cheese-stuffed shrooms, I have no idea what the hell any of this stuff is supposed to be. I think there's some shrimp and chicken fingers in there, though. That orange and yellow thing in the middle, though, could be anything ... and I do mean anything.
Grilled (read: oily as fuck) asparagus buried under more shrimp, Mongolian beef and sesame chicken. If your stomach doesn't start rumbling just looking at this, congratulations on being a.) a vegetarian, b.) a pussy or c.) come to think of it, there's not really much of a difference between a.) and b.), actually.
And we wrap up our whirlwind tour of the buffet's cuisine with the usual subjects; coconut shrimp, crab rangoon and an egg roll. Not that you really need me to tell you this, but this stuff really sticks to your ribs, and I literally gained five pounds over the course of one 60-minute eatin' (I weighed myself before and after, so that is mathematically indisputable, motherfucker.) Even better, I only spent about $8.99 on the whole meal, which is a steal, really, considering I easily ate at least that much in cheese quesadillas alone.
Oh, one last thing. They didn't have a game room with any coin-ops, but they did have a whole bunch of gumball toy dispensers, all of which looked basic as shit. I mean, the NFL stickers are kinda' cool, I guess, but who in the fuck wants a temporary tattoo of a pizza? Ditto for those crappy bouncy balls on the bottom left corner. Heads up, parents: if your kid is entertained by that stuff for more then two minutes, he officially has autism.
I'm not sure what the buffet owner's name is, but the guy behind the waving golden cat was a pretty nice chap who didn't give one fuck that I was taking pictures of everything like some sort of health inspector/paparazzi for burritos. In fact, I was so enchanted and enamored by my experience at The Atlantic Buffet that I even left them a huge tip of exactly $2.12, which is probably the most I've left at any restaurant so far in 2018. Hey, you folks deserve that change, and then some.
Interestingly enough, they also have a sister restaurant called — what else? — Pacific Buffet, which is about ten miles away in Kennesaw. That one I've been to many times in my youth, and while it's a bit ritzier buffet, I still think I prefer The Atlantic. For one thing, it's considerably larger and the menu has more nuance, but really, it's the atmosphere of the place that drew me in. It just feels like some sort of urban sprawl utopia, a place that could be either 20 years into the future or 20 years behind the times. Yes, it's a great place to eat General T'so chicken until your stomach begins to rupture, but it's an even better place to people watch. The animal kingdom has the watering hole, but in the land of man, we've got the line for more mayonnaise. And hers, indeed, is a sight to behold.
It didn't take too long to find The Atlantic's Yelp page, and their Facebook page is right here if you are curious. If you're ever in the 'burbs of Atlanta, I'd wholeheartedly recommend giving these guys a try. It's totally unpretentious, no-frills, straight-to-the-point, gimmick-free, kinda'-grimy-but-not-too-grimy buffet dining in its purest essence, and I'd love to dine there at least once a week, if I could.
Except, you know, if I did that I'd probably weigh 400 pounds and die at age 38. Which kinda' begs the question; if these people literally live off this shit, how come you NEVER see fat people working at an Asian buffet? Methinks there's something major going on there that ought to be investigated. I mean, seriously ...
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 14 - We're Going Bowling!)
USA Today and the A.P. can take a hike - these are the only college football rankings anybody ought to care about.
By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX
Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it to you straight about college football? Of course you don't, which is where The Internet In America's 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the '17 season we'll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we're throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the 'net, because we're cool like that. Simply put, you won't get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet - and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin' shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who's ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is - the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?
#01
Central Florida (12-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Auburn (Peach Bowl - Jan. 01)
No, we're not being facetious, nor are we high on crack cocaine. The fact of the matter is that out of the 120-or-something teams in division I-A college football, only the Knights were able to wrap up the year sans a single defeat, and that's a towering achievement even if they are relegated to AAC play (which, with teams like Memphis and South Florida in it, is way tougher than most analysts want to give it credit for.) Alas, we'll see if UCF is the real deal on New Year's Day, when they go toe-to-toe with a dejected Auburn team that has nothing to play for but pride; and if Central Florida comes out on top, expect plenty of chatter in the offseason about the inclusivity of non-power fivers come next year's championship playoffs.
#02
Clemson (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Alabama (Sugar Bowl - Jan. 01)
#03
Oklahoma (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Georgia (Rose Bowl - Jan. 01)
Steamrolling TCU 41-17 to scoop up the Big 12 crown, Baker Mayfield and pals locked up the number two seed in the playoffs, thus scoring them a date with the third ranked Georgia Bulldogs on New Year's Day. Before then, however, Mayfield is a virtual shoe-in to pick up the Heisman trophy in New York in a few weeks, and for good reason; with a 71 percent completion rate, he's the most accurate quarterback in college football - in addition to leading the nation in yards per pass attempt (11.8) and overall passing efficiency (at 203.8, about 20 points higher than the country's second highest rated QB.)
#04
Georgia (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma (Rose Bowl - Jan. 01)
The Bulldogs avenged a 40-14 ass whupping from Auburn three weeks back by returning the favor and kicking the War Eagle shit out of Gus Malzahn's boys 28-7 in last weekend's SEC Championship Game. That puts Georgia in the No. 3 slot for the National Championship Playoffs, thus setting up a New Year's semifinals clash with Oklahoma on Jan. 01. It's going to be an interesting matchup, for sure - especially seeing if the nation's best quarterback can hang with Georgia' vicious defense, which is ranked No. 2 in the country in fewest passing yards allowed per game.
#05
Alabama (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Clemson (Sugar Bowl - Jan. 01)
No SEC Championship, no problem! With Georgia beating Auburn for the conference title and Ohio State defeating Wisconsin for the Big 10 Championship, fate smiled upon the Tide as they managed to creep their way into the fourth and final National Playoffs Championship spot. That puts Alabama on a collision course with a foe they know very, very well - fellow one-loss Clemson, who defeated 'Bama last year for the National Title.
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| Can you say you've really lived until an Alabama MILF assaults you at a football game? |
#06
Wisconsin (12-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Miami (Orange Bowl - Dec. 30)
#07
Ohio State (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. USC (Cotton Bowl - Dec. 29)
#08
USC (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Ohio State (Cotton Bowl - Dec. 29)
The Trojans hung on to beat Stanford 31-28 Friday night, in the process securing themselves yet another PAC-12 Championship. While they won't be participating in the National Playoffs, they do get a chance to boost their 2018 preseason rankings with a victory over Ohio State in the Cotton Bowl - that is, if either team feels like turning in performances that could even remotely be described as enthusiastic.
#09
Miami (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Wisconsin (Orange Bowl - Dec. 30)
#10
Penn State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Washington (Fiesta Bowl - Dec. 30)
After getting snubbed out of the Big 10 Championship, the Nittany Lions will wrap up their 2017 season with a stay at the Fiesta Bowl, where they'll do battle with the Huskies. In fact, if you keep your eyes peeled, you might even see the Penn State team van rolling across the country en route to the contest. Here's the most recent file photo of the vehicle the Nittany Lions use to transport players and personnel to and fro, so you'll know when to alert the young 'uns the boys in blue are coming through your neck of the woods ...
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| Hell yeah, Penn State's in town! |
#11
Washington (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Penn State (Fiesta Bowl - Dec. 30)
The Huskies got screwed out of the PAC-12 Championship the final week of the regular season, but with a 10-2 record they're still one of the better overall football teams in I-A ball. It really don't account for much of nothin', but Washington nonetheless has an an opportunity to earn one more victory in '17 when they clash with Penn State at the Fiesta Bowl. And if getting the bitter taste of late season disappointment outta' their mouths isn't enough of an incentive for them to bring their A game, the opportunity to knock the shit out of a bunch of paedo protectors probably should.
#12
Memphis (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Iowa State (Liberty Bowl - Dec. 30)
The Tigers came up on the short end of the stick Saturday, losing a thriller in overtime 62-55 to Central Florida. Alas, that high scoring Memphis offense (as well as their atrocious pass coverage) gets one last opportunity to shortwire the scoreboard, as they go cleat-to-cleat with Iowa State at the Liberty Bowl in what should be a pretty entertaining little affair. Note to gamblers: whatever the over/under is, DEFINITELY go over for that 'un.
#13
South Florida (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Texas Tech (Birmingham Bowl - Dec. 23)
As of press time, the Heisman finalists haven't been announced but in our eyes, USF gunslinger Quinton Flowers definitely deserves a nomination. The dude only has 2,600 yards on the season, with a passing TD-to-INT ratio of 21-to-6, plus almost 1,000 yards rushing with ten scrambling touchdowns. Expect the Bulls to pile the points on when they tangle with the Red Raiders the day before Christmas Eve at the Birmingham Bowl - and considering the porous aerial coverage of both teams' defenses, I wouldn't be surprised if the conservative over/under estimates were damn near 100 combined points.
#14
Toledo (11-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Appalachian State (Dollar General Bowl - Dec. 23)
Yep, you motherfuckers thought I was joshing you all season long, but nope - the Dollar General Bowl is a real thing, and the fact that Toledo and Appalachian State are both playing in it is pretty much the most fitting thing in the history of humanity. All I can say is that if anybody made me skip Christmas with the fam to play a meaningless football game in Mobile, Alabama, they better give me one hell of a gift card, that's for damned sure.
#15
San Diego State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Army (Armed Forces Bowl - Dec. 23)
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| Oh, we have to meme "overly excited Troy football player" into reality ... |
#16
Troy (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. North Texas (New Orleans Bowl - Dec. 16)
The next time you think you've been giving a tough task, remind yourself "yeah, this is pretty hard, but at least I'm not being forced to say something about Troy's football team." And since I'm totally spent on everything I know about the squad (fun fact: they play in Troy, Alabama and their official logo has an oddly pronounced "J," for seemingly no apparent reason), I'll just say this about their upcoming tilt against North Texas in the New Orleans Bowl - absolutely fuckin' nothing.
#17
Auburn (10-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Central Florida (Peach Bowl - Jan. 01)
So Auburn beat Georgia and Alabama - both of whom were ranked No. 1 in the country at the time - and over the weekend, they get their asses kicked by the Bulldogs in a game that eliminated them from National Playoffs contention. You know, there's really only one thing worse than losing the SEC Championship, losing a shot at the National Championship and facilitating your arch rival's sudden boost into what would've been your playoffs seed - and that's doing all of that and then losing to an AAC team at the very same building a month later. Which, uh, couldn't possibly happen, right?
#18
Boise State (10-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Oregon (Las Vegas Bowl - Dec. 16)
Two weeks ago, Boise State got shellacked by Fresno State in their regular season finale. So, naturally, the two teams met again in the MWC Championship Game Saturday, and - of course - this time the Broncos ended up winning the whole kit and caboodle 17-14. That puts the Blue Turfers in line for a trip to Vegas to duke it out with Oregon - which means both teams will probably be too busy trying to spot potential snipers in the vicinity's hotels to actually play a decent ball game. Hey, don't get mad at me for simply saying what we're all thinking here ...
#19
TCU (10-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Stanford (Alamo Bowl - Dec. 28)
#20
Oklahoma State (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Virginia Tech (Camping World Bowl - Dec. 28)
While everybody's gushing over that other Oklahoma quarterback, the fact of the matter is that Mason Rudolph hasn't done too bad for himself this year. As a matter of fact, it's he and not Baker What's-His-Name who leads Division I-A in aerial yards. And something tells me he's gonna' have plenty of opportunities to add to his seasonal stockpile when the Cowboys meet the Hokies at the Camping World Bowl on December 28 - I'm guessing an extra 400, at the absolute minimum.
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| So yeah, 60 minutes of this was pretty much what the Big 12 Championship Game was like. |
#21
LSU (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Notre Dame (Citrus Bowl - Jan. 01)
It wasn't exactly a stellar season for the Tigers, but they can end the season on a high note by defeating the Irish at the Citrus Bowl on New Year's Day. By the way, did you know the Citrus Bowl is sponsored by Buffalo Wild Wings, which was recently bought out by Arby's? Well, they did - and I'd appreciate it very much if you helped me grasp at those fuckin' straws here.
#22
Notre Dame (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. LSU (Citrus Bowl - Jan. 01)
The Irish, having suffered crushing losses to Miami and Stanford, respectively, at the end of the regular season, have one more chance to redeem themselves when they challenge the LSU Tigers at the Citrus Bowl on Jan. 1. Hey, did you know the Citrus Bowl is in Orlando, which by some estimates, is expected to have a population larger than Los Angeles by 2100? Now that's a mighty fine straw, I tell you what.
#23
Northwestern (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Kentucky (Music City Bowl - Dec. 29)
The Wildcats head into the Music City Bowl with a seven-game win streak. And oddly enough, the team they're playing in that game, Kentucky, is also nicknamed the Wildcats. And that was also the name of a movie starring Goldie Hawn, who - much like everybody reading this - doesn't give one inkling of a shit who wins that particular ball game.
#24
Washington State (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Michigan State (Holiday Bowl - Dec. 28)
It'll be the Cougars against the Spartans in the Holiday Bowl in a battle of 9-3 also-rans. Hey, did you know that the Holiday Bowl is sponsored by the San Diego Credit Union? Just bringing that up, because San Diego sure as hell hasn't been seeing a whole lot of football in that stadium this year, if you catch my drift ...
#25
Florida Atlantic (10-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Akron (Boca Raton Bowl - Dec. 19)
And for the first time this season, the Florida Atlantic Owls make an appearance in the top 25 rankings. That can largely be attributed to their strong showing in the Conference USA Championship Game, in which they defeated North Texas 41-17. Strangely enough, the streaking Owls (who've won their last ten games) started off the season 0-3. Which once again reminds us all - if at first, you don't succeed, only compete against people who are far less talented than you and then act like you've actually accomplished something by defeating inferior opponents.
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