Showing posts with label Halloween. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Halloween. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

An Ode To Spirit Halloween!

Because what better way to commemorate Oct. 31 than a photographic essay reliving the wonder and the whimsy of a 15-minute shopping trip I took in late August? 


Thursday, October 24, 2019

Saturday, October 5, 2019

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

B-Movie Review: Transylvania Twist (1989)

In the late 1980s, Jim Wynorski directed a horror parody in the vein of Saturday the 14th. And despite the appearance of Angus Scrimm as a Phantasm-sphere slinging baseball pitcher, it’s still a pretty disappointing picture.

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Sunday, September 1, 2019

B-Movie Review: Summer of Fear (1978)

What better way to herald the unofficial end of summer and the unofficial beginning of fall than a TV-movie that combines horror legends Wes Craven, Linda Blair and … Fran Drescher?

Sunday, July 28, 2019

Friday, October 19, 2018

Monday, September 3, 2018

The 2018 IIIA State Of The Site Address

The Internet Is In America: 2011-2018?


 By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

 Well, here we are, kids — the SEVENTH anniversary of The Internet Is In America. 

 I had no earthly idea this stupid web blog thing I started as a senior class assignment in college (for real) would go on this long, but here we are, still chugging along. 

 Obviously, there's been some pretty big changes here at TIIIA over the last year or so. Updates have been a lot more sporadic and a lot of regular features — This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom, The Rocktagon Recap, Season In The Abyss, the NFL and NCAA football rankings — have simply fallen to the wayside. That's for a pretty straight-forward reason: because I just don't have the time as one person to run all that shit anymore. 

 Trust me, I would LOVE to upload a 3,000-word article with like four or five GIFs in it everyday, but the hard math is just working against me. These days I'm putting in 12 hours a day at work and if I don't start spending more time with my GF, she'll probably leave me for some BBC. That means I've got to make sacrifices, and with time-energy at a premium, when it came time to start cutting corners this here website was first on the chopping block. 

 Now, am I really closing shop for good? Eh, probably not. But the unavoidable reality is that I simply can't keep running The Internet Is In America as a regularly updated website without compromising the overall quality of the articles. And I'd much rather run nothing at all than run half-assed bullshit, so ... for the time being ... I'm calling it temporary quits. 

 Of course, I'm not hanging the gloves up for good. I'll be back — probably sooner than later. But the days of TIIIA being a multi-faceted pop culture/social satire site with three or four high quality articles a week or a thing of the past. I mean, unless you fuckers start paying me enough for this thing to constitute  full-time gig, other things in life are going to take priority over me making dick jokes about the UFC, the Raiders and old junk food.

 It's been fun, though. I write for about a million different websites and I think out of all of them, this one was the closest to representing how I truly felt about things. I still have a ton of articles I want to write, and I'm sure I'll get around to bringing them here eventually, but the daily slog just makes it an impossibility at the moment. 

 It's been pretty rough the last couple of months. I've wanted to bring you folks some material, but it feels like I've just been churning out stuff for the sake of churning stuff out, which was never my M.O. I don't want to turn into some lazy-ass clickbait website, and I said a long time ago I'd never publish stuff just for the hitz. You deserve better, and rather than put out a substandard product, I'd rather shut down the factory until there was enough time to make that product outstanding again.

 It sucks, for sure. I'd love to be writing these huge, long-ass articles and essays about sociopolitical issues, and it pains me to think this season, I just won't be able to give you live play-by-play coverage of Raiders games or UFC shows. But by that same token, it gives me something I haven't had in a long time ... an opportunity to simply enjoy things for what they are. I've never been one to take pride in being a spectator alone, but after seven years of producing high grade content on a quasi-daily basis, I need the relaxation. 

 The September-December rush has always been peak time for The Internet Is In America, what, with football season and all the marquee MMA and boxing events and Halloween all happening at the same time. It's been a blast working my ass off to give you articles about UFC PPVs and vegetarian turkey dishes and obscure exploitation horror movies since '11, but guys, I need a fuckin' break. Hell, if I have enough time to reorganize, I might even come roaring back next fall with a full slate of material ... that is, if I get the time. 

 And time is the key variable there. Like I said, I have a LOT of stuff on my professional plate, and simply put, this blog is going to have to take a hit out of sheer financial necessity. That's not to say it's too expensive to operate (because I don't spend any money operating it), it's just that personal economic responsibilities kinda' mean more to me right now that writing essays about Pop-Tarts and Sega Master System games. Yeah, I know ... what a sell-out, huh?

 So yeah, all of that to say I'm going to miss writing for TIIIA, but like I said earlier, I'll be back ... eventually.

 In the interim, try to enjoy your fall the best you can. May your football team (whoever it may be, unless it's the Chiefs, Broncos or Chargers) not suck, may your Halloween dish of seasonal candies never run out and here's to hoping that La Parka has a couple more great matches before Thanksgiving rolls around. 

 I'll be seeing you soon, folks. Now try to enjoy your own lives for a change, why don't you?

Sunday, August 26, 2018

The Top 50 Sega Master System Games of All-Time (Part One: #010-#001)

The final installment of a special five-part series examining the best Sega's 8-bit home console had to offer ... with the number one SMS game of all-time, at long last, REVEALED!


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
HEY! Looking for the series in its entirety? You can check out all of the installments in the countdown in the links below:
PART ONE (#010 - #001)
PART TWO (#020 - #011)
PART THREE (#030 - #021)
PART FOUR (#040 - #031)
PART FIVE (#050 - #041)
A lot of people, to this day, tend to overlook the Sega Master System. Considering the NES outsold it like, 250-to-1 in the North American market, though, it’s certainly understandable — however unfortunate.

While Sega’s Genesis forebear didn’t get anywhere close to realizing the lofty heights of its 16-bit older brother, that’s not to say the SMS was devoid of quality 8-bit titles. In fact, the Master System had a ton of solid-to-very-good-to-downright-excellent titles in its library, which is usually lost in the shuffle because a.) relatively few people in the States ever played that many games on the console to begin with and b.) most of the really good, top-tier SMS games never made it to the U.S., and we’re only released in Europe and Japan. Thankfully, the advent of emulation has broken the 30-year-old regional divide, and now all of us can play the breadth of the SMS library anytime we want … if not fit the whole dadgum software pantheon on a single 2GB thumb-drive.
Having spent about a year or two playing every single game released on the SMS, I decided to take it upon myself to drum up a list of the top 50 games to ever make an appearance on the Master System. If this sounds like something we’ve done before, it’s probably because we’ve been doing this shit every year since 2012, covering everything from the Dreamcast, the Sega CD and the Game Gear to the TG-16, the Neo-Geo and the Atari freakin’ Lynx. So yeah, the same old song and dance applies here, I suppose. But before we get to the list itself, a few housekeeping notes:
Rule numero uno: only officially licensed game released in the U.S., Europe and Japan were eligible for consideration. So that means no homebrews or those weird-ass TecToy ports from Brazil were included in the running.
Rule numero dos: when applicable, all of the games included on the countdown are the U.S. versions of the games. And if it’s a game that was only released in Europe or Japan, I vouched for the European iteration of the game over its Nippon counterpart.

Rule numero tres: only games that were completed and went to retail are eligible, so no unreleased games or tech demos were eligible neither.
Rule numero cuatro: and lastly, as a subjective countdown, your list is sure to differ and you’ll probably disagree with the bulk of my selections. So if you’re mad that I didn’t put enough Alex Kidd games on this thing, feel free to create your own top 50 list and make it more entertaining to read than mine. And if that’s something you’re unable to do, well, I reckon I just plain don’t give a shit what you think, homey.

Alright, with all of those pleasantries out of the way, who's ready to get this list rollin'? That’s right … literally everybody on the planet, ever.
#010
Master of Darkness (1993)
Developer: SIMS
Publisher: Sega
Those of you who recall our Game Gear countdown from a few years back no doubt remember how much we sang the praises of this one, and ultimately, the home console iteration is every bit as good as its portable kindred — if not even better. While an unabashed Castlevania clone, it’s undoubtedly one of the best Castlevania imitators ever, and, in some facets, can even be said to best Konami’s venerable series at its own game. With its almost Hammer horror-like atmosphere, there’s no denying Master of Darkness brings the ambiance, and the long, intricately designed stages definitely gives the game a bit more replay value than its genre contemporaries on the SMS. And come on — like anybody could ever not enjoy a game where you get to wack wax monsters with boomerangs …

#009
Bubble Bobble (1991)
Developer: Taito
Publisher: Sega
Now this is a rare SMS game that not only outdoes its counterpart on the NES, but positively outclasses it in every way. Not only does this iteration of Taito’s classic kill-em-up have better visuals than the one in the Ninny, it also packs in almost twice as much content; whereas the NES iteration had a relatively paltry 112 levels, the SMS version offers a whopping 200 stages! This is a much truer to the coin-op experience, without question, with slicker controls and a more energetic sense of speed. Factor in a phenomenal two-player mode and you have what is pretty much the Criterion Collection version of the beloved single-screener right here.

#008
Ghouls ‘N Ghosts (1988)
Developer: Sega R&D2
Publisher: Sega

This is definitely one of the best-looking games on the SMS … and thankfully, it has the gameplay chops to match its aesthetics. While it’s not quite the breathtaking technical marvel that its Genesis big brother was, this is still a very admirable port of the arcade classic, with great animations, tremendous controls and — of course — a lot of button-grinding challenge that’ll test the mettle of even the most hardcore action platformer enthusiasts. Sure, the boss fights might be a little minimalist in terms of presentation, but on the whole this is a very impressive “downgrade” that looks, feels and plays much better than it probably had any right to. And if nothing else, it absolutely kicks the crap out of the iteration NES owners received … and it’s not even debatable.

#007
Walter Payton Football (1989)
Developer: Sega R&D2
Publisher: Sega
Up until Tecmo Super Bowl, this was easily the best American football game released on a home console. Of course, it’s sans the NFL license, so you won’t be able to play as any “real” players, save Sweetness himself. But even then the game gives you a good 25 different teams to choose from, each of which have their own (moderately) different playbooks. And for its time, this game gave you an insanely complex football system, complete with a good 30 or so offensive and defensive plays and the option to run reverses and counters. With its proto-Madden vertical P.O.V., you might have a few blind throws every now and then, but there’s no denying how much fun running the ball and playing D is. And to this day, this game might just have the best “kicking” system I’ve ever played in a pigskin sim; for hardcore virtual football fans, that facet of the title alone is probably worth going out of your way to experience.

#006
Bonanza Bros. (1991)
Developer: Sega C.S., I.T.L.
Publisher: Sega
A decade before the first Grand Theft Auto game was released, this absurdly fun Sega original allowed children of all ages to experience the joys of committing virtual felonies. Remember that one episode of The Simpsons where Bart played Larry the Looter, an arcade game where he took on the role of an armed burglar? Well, that’s LITERALLY what Bonanza Bros. is, and even now I’m not sure how this one escaped the wrath of Tipper Gore and pals back in the day. Granted, losing the two-player mode sucks, but the core gameplay here is just so fun (and unexpectedly great) that even as a solo affair only it’s still a hoot and a half. The level layout is outstanding and the proto-stealth action gameplay is astonishingly intense; indeed, this might just be one of the most nerve-racking games you’ll ever play in 8-bit form. All in all, Sega did a bang-up job porting this one to the SMS; multiplayer or no-multiplayer, this is still an immensely enjoyable, incredibly unique action-platformer you owe it to yourself to play if you haven’t, for whatever stupid-ass reason.

#005
Battle Outrun (1989)
Developer: Sega
Publisher: Sega
There’s been a lot of Outrun games over the years, and this fairly obscure SMS offering is easily one of the best entries in the long-running franchise. In fact, I’d go as far as to call this SMS “exclusive” the greatest version of Chase H.Q. ever made. Eschewing the usual fanciful and carefree aesthetics and attitude of the beloved, vaporwave-inspiring series, Battle Outrun is a more intense, action-oriented, pseudo vehicular combat offering in which you drive all over America trying to takedown all sorts of varied villains and criminal elements … all while avoiding swapping paint with innocent bystanders or crashing into a parade of barrels somebody just left there in the middle of the freakin’ interstate. Owing more to Spy Hunter than its canonical predecessors, in a way Battle Outrun feels like an 8-bit precursor to Burnout, complete with some ultra-gratifying, white knuckle thrills and chills as you narrowly avert yet another automotive disaster. With superb controls and a ton of replay value, this isn’t just one of the best racing games on the Master System … indeed, it’s one of the best 8-bit console racers ever.

#004
Rainbow Islands: The Story of Bubble Bobble 2 (1993)
Developer: I.T.L.
Publisher: Taito
One look at Rainbow Islands is enough to turn off just about any seasoned gamer. But as the old saying goes, you really shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, because this game — despite its nauseatingly saccharine visuals — is actually one of the most addictive and engaging titles on the SMS. Really, it all begins with the game’s brilliant control scheme, which makes “rainbow hopping” one of the most satisfying mechanics you’ll experience in any 8-bit platformer. You know how Iceman skates around on frozen bridges in the old comics and cartoons? Well, this game gives us what is probably the best interactive representation of that in any medium, and you will have yourself a hoot and a half just slipping and sliding all over the game’s pastel-hued levels. Yes, the audiovisual component may not be the best on the SMS, but there is no denying the intrinsic greatness of the gameplay here. Factor in hours worth of gameplay and some ingeniously designed stages — plus one of the best two-player experiences to be found on the Master System — and you undoubtedly have a winner on your hands with this one, no matter which genre of gameplay is your familiar bread and butter.

#003
Sonic Chaos (1993)
Developer: Aspect
Publisher: Sega
The greatest Sonic handheld game of all-time translates to the SMS just fine, and I’m sure there’s going to be plenty of folks out there who’ll think this one plays even better with the Master System control pad. The music is a bit bland, but the graphics and animation are top-tier, and holy hell, does this one bring the pure platforming bliss in buckets. Sticking tightly to the traditional (read: winning) Sonic formula, the gameplay revolves around huge, spacious levels comprised of multiple branching paths, so while it is fun as all hell blasting through the stages at top speed, if you want to explore the level and really soak up everything it has to offer, you’ll definitely have to play this one two or three times before you uncover everything the designers left in there for you to find. While Chaos might not rival the Genesis classics in terms of overall quality, you’re still getting a tremendous little package right here — if for some some stupid reason you missed out on this one back in the day, now’s the perfect time to atone for your 8-bit era sins.

#002
Sensible Soccer European Champions (1993)
Developer: Eurocom
Publisher: Sony Imagesoft
Pretty much every console ever in history has received some permutation of Sensible Soccer at some point, and the version on the Master System is every bit as good as it is on the Genesis, the SNES and the Game Gear. Neophytes to the venerable footy series may not take the micro-sized sprites series at first glance, but even newbz are guaranteed to be awestruck by the staggering amount of content this game delivers, including some team and play-editing features that even by today’s standards would be considered quite in-depth. Of course, the real draw of Sensible Soccer, however, is it’s instantly accessible and immediately engrossing soccer action, and once you get the hang of the control setup, you’ll be hooked for life. What NHL ‘94 and Tecmo Super Bowl are to hockey and football games, respectively, Sensible Soccer is to the World’s Game; this isn’t just the best sports game on the SMS by a far margin, one could argue that it’s the one game on the system that will give you the most replay bang for your buck, as well.

#001
Power Strike II (1993)
Developer: Compile
Publisher: Sega

How about that — the very same game that  (almost) topped my list of the 50 best Game Gear games of all-time also tops my list of the top 50 SMS games of all-time. What are the odds? Whereas the original Power Strike on the Master System could be considered a slight disappointment considering Compile’s pedigree, its PAL-only sequel more than makes up for it. For starters, the visuals in this game are flatout gorgeous, with some of the most detailed sprites and eye-pleasing backgrounds of any game on the system. But where this game truly shines is in its gameplay. Simply put, I can’t fathom how the Master System was able to technologically contain the sheer amount of action going on-screen throughout this game. Yes, there is some flicker here and there, but by and large the frame rate on this sucker barely dips at all, which is quite the programming feat considering all of the nonstop explosions and projectiles flying across the screen at seemingly every conceivable second. Of course, me being a huge SHMUP fan and all, I can’t say that all gamers will enjoy this one as much as I did, but if you have a knack for old-school, arcade shoot-em-up fun, this is easily the best investment you could possibly make for your SMS. Simply put, if you’ve got a Master System, you NEED to have this cartridge in your library … and preferably, quite close to the entry slot, because I assure you, you will be playing this one frequently.
Kudos my hero, leaving all the best ...

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Comic Review: Marvel's "The Toxic Avenger!" (1991)

In the early 1990s, the house Spidey built ran a comic based on Troma’s flagship character for 11 issues … and surprisingly, it wasn’t half bad.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
I know I’ve said this before, but it absolutely BLOWS my mind that somehow, someway, The Toxic Avenger — a no-budget splatter movie whose highlights include children having their heads squished by drunk drivers and morbidly obese men having their intestines yanked out of their stomach cavities — was transformed into a children’s property, complete with Nintendo games, a toy line from the same people behind Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and, of course, a short-lived cartoon on Fox Kids. To this day I have no idea how such an arrangement came to be, with seemingly the only reasonable explanation being “cocaine, and a whole lot of it.”

But no siree, the kidification of Toxie didn’t stop there. The Toxic Avenger also managed to land not just one, but two different Marvel Comics series. While the second was based upon the Toxic Crusaders cartoon (and thus, was naturally inclined to be a little more subdued, thematically), its forerunner was based explicitly — and I mean that in more ways than one — on the original Troma film trilogy.
Millions of fans? That seems like
a bit of an overestimate, don't
it?
Penned by veteran comic scribe Doug Moench (who is probably best known for an insanely long run on Master of Kung Fu back in the day), I think it’s safe to say expectations for the series were pretty low. But as it turns out, the 11-issue run isn’t bad at all … in fact, I’d go as far to say that it’s actually a pretty fun and inventive take on Troma’s marquee character that somehow manages to stay true to his cinematic roots even without all of the copious violence and nudity.
With artwork supplied by Rodney Ramos and Val Mayerik, the series looks WAY better than you’d expect. And while the comic does play it fast and loose with the official Toxie canon, that’s not to say it didn’t get away with some pretty risque material. Indeed, for a comic published by Marvel in the early, pre-Image 1990s, it does push the boundaries pretty far, complete with a few uncensored swear words sprinkled in with the exploded limbs and gruesome zombies whose skin is so rotten it’s practically gelatinous.

The series does a pretty good job of keeping Toxie’s personality aligned to the movies, even if his created-for-the-comics catchphrase “omgowa” feels really forced and out of place. After recapping the character’s origin — it’s close enough to what we see in the first movie to avoid any complaints — it doesn’t take long for the comic to start blazing its own trail, introducing a new central antagonist — a devilish CEO named simply “The Chairman” who has two demonic dragons flying in and out of his mouth — who immediately begins plans to take over Tromaville using a bevy of toxic waste-spawned atrocities.
And admittedly, we do have some pretty cool original villains show up. The first couple of rogues are by-the-numbers goons and thugs with generic mutation gimmicks, but things pick up considerably when The Chairman contaminates the health club from the original movie with a toxic juice that turns all of those hardbodies into undead killing machines. And once Toxic has made mincemeat of them, The Chairman ups the ante by digging up the graves of the dispatched mutants and patchworking them into a ten foot-tall, hulking anti-Toxie called Biohazard … which is actually a pretty badass villain, if just in terms of aesthetics alone.

Of course, showing a body explode into a shower of limbs and appendages is just peachy as long as no bloods or innards are visible ...

But really, the highlight of the series has to the the “Souvlaki Sewer Syndrome” two-parter in issues seven and eight. In this mini-arc, The Chairman concocts a wild plan to turn half of New York into irradiated, sewer-dwelling zombies via tainted souvlaki, with the hideous creatures eventually pooling together into a mammoth wad of rotting adipose tissue. As I said earlier, for Marvel in the early 1990s this is actually some pretty edgy stuff, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find the artwork here at least partially unnerving. For me, the zenith of the series has to be when Toxie gets devoured by the souvlaki monster, and he has an internal dialogue about how oddly serene it is to be sloshing around inside it as it rampages through New York, as if he was peacefully gliding to and fro in a rotting womb. Yeah, the way I put it is really unartful, but trust me, the execution in the book itself is WAY better than my crappy description.
Unfortunately, "The Toxic Wigger"
just didn't have the mass appeal
Marvel hoped for.
Unfortunately, the series is all downhill from there. The ninth issue is definitely a “jump the shark” issue, as the issue completely abandons the ongoing story arc for a one-and-done yarn in which Toxie gets abducted by aliens and, inexplicably, raps his way through the whole story. Issue 10 resumes the normal story arc, and while it is fun watching Toxie kvetch his way through half the issue while stuck in a stockade, it’s pretty obvious that the writers knew the whole series was about to get cancelled. Hence, why the 11th and final issue feels like such a rush-job, complete with a very anticlimactic end to the whole Chairman and Apocalypse Inc. storyline. Granted, it has its moments, but it’s clear the folks behind the comic were just phoning it in — as obvious by the series’ final panel, in which they get all meta on us and have disembodied naysayers scream “higher sales!” at Toxie. Get it, because the book itself wasn’t selling enough to keep Marvel happy? Man, now that shit is clever.
Still, on the whole, I’d say The Toxic Avenger is nonetheless a better than average tie-in comic, especially for Marvel in the early ‘90s (anybody remember their series based on Pirates of Dark Water, Bill & Ted and even WCW by-god ‘rasslin?) While it doesn’t perfectly mirror the attitude or spirit of the Troma films from which it’s based, the writers did a pretty good job translating the material into PG-reading, and I thought the artwork was just plain snazzy.

I wouldn’t call this a “great” series by any stretch, but it’s certainly better than it had any right to be. Granted, I haven’t checked out its spiritual successor in the Toxic Crusaders follow-up, but if that one is at least half as decent as The Toxic Avenger … well, actually, that’s pretty much what I would expect it to be, I suppose.

Regardless, this is a fun, moderately overachieving series anchored around a seemingly impossible premise. And as far as I’m concerned, it’s a way better take on the character than what we saw in The Last Temptation of Toxie. Sigh, if only it lasted long enough to give us that long-awaited crossover with Robocop we had no idea we both wanted and retroactively needed …

Kudos my hero, leaving all the best ...
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