LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play From Week 3's Raiders vs. Browns Game

11:44 a.m. -- Live coverage begins at 1 p.m. Eastern. Be sure to click the hell out of that refresh button, fellas!

12:30 p.m. -- Kickoff is in half an hour. Rod Streater, Justin Tuck and Jamize O. (the only dude who could score against the Bengals in week one) are all gametime decisions.

12:34 p.m. -- This just in: Josh McCown will START for the Browns over Johnny Football. This, despite Manziel's impressive performance last week. 

1:00 p.m. -- And we are coming to you LIVE from Cleveland, Ohio. And we all remember what happened the LAST time a pro sports team from Oakland came to town...

1:02 p.m. -- Oakland set to receive. And the Raiders will begin within their own 20. 

1:04 p.m. -- Amari Cooper with a first down reception on Oakland's very first play. 

1:05 p.m. -- Latavious dropped for a loss on first down. Third and 12 coming up. AND COOPER WITH NOTHER FIRST DOWN PICKUP.

1:06 p.m. -- Murray with a few yards on first down. Second and eight. Deadball on a dropped pass makes it third and eight. AND COOPER WITH ANOTHER FIRST DOWN CONVERSION!

1:07 p.m. -- MURRAY WITH A HUGE RUN! But a holding call on Oakland brings it back to the CLE 30. First and 20. Shane Crabtree reception makes it about six yards from a new set of downs.

1:08 p.m -- And Helu picks up the first and a shuttle pass. Raiders in the redzone. 

1:10 p.m. -- First and goal. Murray gets nowhere on the play. About five yards to the endzone on third and goal.

1:11 p.m. -- And Carr overthrows Crabtree. Out comes the field goal unit. Janikowski is as automatic as usual. Raiders take the early 3-0 lead and burn damn near eight minutes off the clock in the process.

1:15 p.m. -- The Browns will start at their own 20. About a two-yard run on first down. Incompletion on second down, but a holding call against Oakland gives Cleveland a free set of downs. 

1:18 p.m. -- Raiders looking really good stopping the run so far today. And they are blitzing like mofos, too!

1:19 p.m. -- The pressure on McCown is hot and he tosses it away on a second and nine. And a penalty against Cleveland makes it second and 19. Third and eight. And the D CRUSHES the ballcarrier behind the line for a huge loss!

1:22 p.m. -- Cleveland punts it away, ad Oakland starts their second drive at their own 20. This is the best the Raiders have looked defensively all season.

1:23 p.m. -- Hey, did you know its NFL Hispanic Heritage Month? Well, it is. 

1:24 p.m. -- A flag sets the Raiders back before they can even take the first snap. First and 15. Nothing going on a rushing attempt, so it is 2 and 15. Amari Cooper with a five yard catch.

1:26 p.m. -- Third and six. An incompletion on a hurried throw, but a CLE holding penalty gives the Raiders a new set of downs. 

1:27 p.m. -- Murray dropped behind the line on first down. Second and ten. And he goes backwards again, creating a third and 11 situation for OAK.

1:28 p.m. -- And Crabtree gets tangled up on what probably would have been a TD reception. Oakland has to punt, and the Browns will have to start around their own 20. Fun fact: did you know the Raiders are 2-22 in their last 24 away games? In fact, the last time they won a game outside O.Co was a 2013 game against the Texans.

1:32 p.m. -- McCown nearly picked off on first down. About a third and five coming up. And Hartline reels it in to give Cleveland their first first down of the game. 

1:33 p.m. -- KHALIL MACK with a huge stop in the backfield. Second and 11 now. AND MCCOWN GOES DOWN IN THE BACKFIELD!

1:34 p.m. -- Third and 14. And that's the end of the first quarter. And the Browns can't convert. 

1:39 p.m. -- The Raiders start the drive around their own 10. 

1:40 p.m. -- Roy Helu (I think) can't reel it in. Second down. And a flag. No, wait, the Browns are burning a timeout. 

1:42 p.m. -- Murray in the backfield. And he breaks off a good seven yard rip. Third and 3 coming up. 

1:43 p.m. -- And Cooper drops what would have given the Raiders a first down. Shit. 

1:44 p.m. -- Cleveland will start around midfield. And they get an illegal block in the back penalty to start the drive.

1:45 p.m. -- Cleveland pushed back to around their own 30. Second and six. The presure is on, and McCown overthrows. Third and six. Wait, Charles Woodson is in the game now?

1:48 p.m. -- The Browns take another timeout. And it looks like Johnny Football may be leaving the sideline...

2:06 p.m. -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! ANDRE HOLMES WITH A FOUR YARD RECEPTION TO MAKE IT 10-0 OAK!

2:07 p.m. -- PROTIP: When using the Blogger app on an iPad, DO NOT click out of the application or else you will lose literally everything you typed thanks to a complete and utter auto-save feature. Guess who learned that one the hard way just a few moments ago?

2:08 p.m. -- All right, Cleveland has a first and ten at midfield. Gabriel is overthrown, so it is second and ten for the Browns. And Hawkins can't reel in another pass. That makes it third and 10 for the Browns. 

2:10 p.m. -- The Browns in Raiders terriitory for the first time today following a conversion. But the ballcarrier gets dropped for a MASSIVE loss on second down!

2:11 p.m. -- Second and 16. But sumbitch, the Browns manage to convert. 

2:12 p.m. -- Looks like its first and ONE for Cleveland. Second down coming up. Two-minute warning is upon us.

2:15 p.m. -- And third and goal! AND OAKLAND MAKES THE STOP!

2:17 p.m. -- Browns take a timeout. They may be going for it on fourth down. Yep, they are. 

2:18 p.m. -- Cleveland gets a false start call. That brings out the field goal unit. Travis Coons (ironically, a white guy) cuts the Raiders lead down to 7. 10-3, Raiders

2:22 p.m. -- And the Raiders start their next drive at their own 30. Murray breaks out a 15 yard run. And Seth Roberts takes it to the Browns' 15!

2:23 p.m. -- Marcel Reece doesn't do much on second down. Third and nine coming up. 

2:25 p.m. -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!! SETH ROBERTS WITH A TWENTY YARD RECEPTION!

2:27 p.m. -- And Janikowksi's extra point makes it a 17-3 lead for Oakland. What is this strange feeling I am feeling? I am watching a Raiders game, but the emotions I feel are like, not sad or angry. What the hell is going on here?

2:28 p.m. -- AND THE RAIDERS FORCE A FUMBLE ON THE KICK RETURN! Alas, it is under review.

2:30 p.m. -- AND THE CALL IS OVERTURNED. But the Browns can't do shit anyway, so we head to halftime 17-3, regardless. 

2:32 p.m. -- Pretty much everything is clicking for the Raiders today. Derek Carr is 12/21 with 201 yards, with Amari Cooper already over 100 yards receiving on the day. And after a slow start, Murray has now reached the 50 yard rushing mark. But the even bigger suprise? The Raiders D has allowed the Browns to rack up less than 150 yards so far in the game, with the Browns highly touted run offense limited to just 24 yards thus far.

2:45 p.m. -- The Browns get the ball to begin the third quarter. They will start from their own 20. And McCown is still in at QB, for some reason. 

2:47 p.m. -- Second and nine. And a deep pass is overthrown. Third and nine. AND MCCOWN EATS DIRT!

2:49 p.m. -- And Cooper loses about twenty yards on a busted punt return. BUT DIGRESSION, I SAY!

2:50 p.m. -- Oakland starts at their own five. Crabtree with about five on first down.

2:51 p.m. -- MURRAY WITH A HUGE RUN! But a player is down. Oh shit, that's not Latavious, is it?

2:53 p.m. -- Reece can't reel it in on first down. The Raiders have 312 yards on the day, if you can beliee it. And Jones chugs it for a third and one situation. 

2:56 p.m. -- ...and Murray gets the first. Thankfully, that was a Brown that got injured, apparently. 

2:57 p.m. -- And Jones gets almost eight on a busted run. The Raiders have 126 rushing yards on the day. Will they be able to surpass the 500 yards of offense mark this afternoon?

2:58 p.m. -- And another Brown is down. Second and three for Oakland, at Cleveland's 20. An overthrown pass to Crabtree, but there is a flag...on Crabtree. Second and 13. One man in the backfield, and Crabtree bobbles a pass. Third and 13.

3:00 p.m. -- Crabtree with the reception, but its not enough for a new set of downs. Out comes Sea-Bass. Automatic. 20-3 game, Oakland. 

3:04 p.m. -- And the Browns get it at their own 20, with about nine minutes left in the third. And they get about eight on the play.

3:05 p.m. -- Second and two. But there is a flag. ON CLEVELAND. Second and seven. A batted pass, and yet another flag on the play. This time, it is on Oakland. So, second and two, again. 

3:06 p.m. -- A dropped pass makes it 3 and 2. And Hartline converts.

3:08 p.m. -- Or did he? The play is under review.

3:10 p.m. -- The call stands. First down for Cleveland. 

3:11 p.m. -- Cleveland is at midfield. Third and two. And in other news, add BIG BEN to the list of injured quarterbacks for the season. 

3:12 p.m. -- And the Browns can't convert. Here comes the punt unit. Or hell, the Browns may be going for it. 

3:13 p.m. -- They are. And dabnabit, they make enough for a new set of downs.

3:14 p.m. -- And CJ WIlson is hurt. I think he is a defensive tackle or something.

3:15 p.m. -- Gary Barnidge has 77 yards on the day. And Cleveland can't make the magic happen under pressure. Another defensive player for Oakland is down. Manziel chewing gum frantically on the sideline.

3:17 p.m. -- Second and eight. Midfield. And the receiver gets dropped well behind the line of scrimmage. 

3:18 p.m. -- Third and 8. But motherfucker, Hartline reels it in to move the sticks.

3:19 p.m. -- Second and two near the OAK 30. The halfback is dropped for a loss. 

3:20 p.m. -- Third and one situation. And that one leads to a Cleveland touchdown. Barnidge torches the secondary for a 28-yard reception. 20-10, OAK.

3:21 p.m. -- Huh. Did you know there is an all new Halloween-flavored burger out there from Burger King now?

3:23 p.m. -- Raiders start at their own 20. Second and seven coming up. AND MARCELL REECE RUNS LIKE A DRUNKEN ELEPHANT FOR ALMOST 60 YARDS!

3:26 p.m. -- Second and eight at the CLE 30. And Seth Roberts with a nine yard pickup. Three and one for OAK.

3:27 p.m. -- And Murray converts. But there is a flag. ON CLEVELAND. First and goal for the Raiders. And that will do it for the third quarter. The Raiders will begin the fourth quarter in Cleveland's redzone.

3:30 p.m. -- Murray rumbles for about five. Five yards until paydirt. AND MURRAY HITS THE ENDZONE! 

3:31 p.m. -- And a Janikowski gimme makes it 27-10 Raiders.

3:33 p.m. -- Dear lord, you ought to see this girl three tables over to me in a Steelers jersey. She's got the worst case of meth mouth I've seen in a long time, and I live in Georgia, so you know that is saying something. 

3:35 p.m. -- And Mack STEAMROLLS McCown. We've got ourselves a 3 and 17 situation at the Browns' own 10. And mother of fuckers, THEY CONVERT IT.

3:36 p.m. -- Cleveland at midfield. And a holding call against the Raiders puts Cleveland in striking territory. 

3:37 p.m. -- A second and three around the OAK 30. A new set of downs takes the Browns into near redzone territory. And Charles Woodson is walking off the field...

3:39 p.m. -- First and ten, at the OAK 20. And the deep pass is a no-catch. Second and 10. No good on that would-be endzone strike, either. Third and 10, still at the Raiders' 20. 

3:41 p.m. -- AND MCCOWN IS SACKED AND STRIPPED OF THE BALL! Unfortunately, the Browns recover. That makes it fourth and 14. Out comes the field goal unit. And that makes it 27-13, Raiders.

3:42 p.m. -- Yep. Tampa Bay Buccaneers fans are EASILY the whitest fans in the League.

3:44 p.m. -- And the Raiders begin the next drive at their own 20. 

3:45 p.m. -- And Cooper with enough for ten yards. He almost broke loose on that one, too.

3:46 p.m. -- Murray with about two. Second and eight coming up. A holding call makes it second and 18.

3:48 p.m. -- Cooper with about seven on the play. Third and 11. And motherfucker, the ball pops loose. The Browns have it at midfield. 

3:51 p.m. -- About eight minutes left in the game. Cleveland is at the Oakland 40. Woodson back in the game. And there is a flag against the Raiders. Seven minutes left, and the Brown are at the OAK 20.

3:53 p.m. -- Second and ten. They convert. First and goal. No good on the first go-at it.

3:55 p.m. -- TOUCHDOWN BROWNS. And the extra point makes it 27-20 Oakland.

3:58 p.m. -- Six and a half left in the game, and the Raiders take over at their own 20. 

3:59 p.m. -- Murray with about four. Second and six. Six minutes left in the game. Carr tosses it away. And Oakland gets a holding call on top of it.

4:01 p.m. -- Third and 15 coming up. And that ain't nowhere near enough to move the chains. Four and a half minutes left in the game, and Oakland has to punt.

4:03 p.m. -- AND THE RAIDERS FORCE A TURNOVER ON THE PUNT RETURN!!!

4:04 p.m. -- Murray up the gut for four. Time to play smallball, obviously.

4:05 p.m. -- Third and five. Two minute warning approaching. And Carr tosses it away. Out comes Sea-bass, who will attempt...nothing. The Raiders punt it away, instead. 

4:07 p.m. -- AND MARQUETTE KING PUNTS IT DOWN TO THE CLEVELAND ONE. 

4:08 p.m. -- And the Browns are challenging that it's not a touchback. 

4:09 p.m. -- Nope. The Browns have 99 yards to go, the refs say. Second and ten. Looks like the Browns have enough for the first down.

4:12 p.m. -- No go on a batted pass. Second and ten coming up. About a three and four, and we've got two minutes left in the ballgame.

4:15 p.m. -- The Browns convert. A minute and a half left at the CLE 30. McCown chucks it away.

4:16 p.m. -- Cleveland at midfield. About one minute left. The Browns convert, and they are in Raiders territory.

4:17 p.m. -- Cleveland takes a timeout. 0:49 left in the game. 

4:18 p.m. -- MCCOWN IS SACKED. Browns take another timeout.

4:19 p.m. -- Third and 14. AND WOODSON WITH THE GAME-CLINCHING INT!!!!!!

4:20 p.m. -- The Raiders take a knee and walk out of a thriller with a 27-20 win. 

4:23 p.m. -- Derek Carr finishes the game with 314 yards and two TDs, Latavious Murray had over 100 yards and a TD and for the second week and a row, Amari Cooper had over 100 yards receiving. And...impobably...YOUR OAKLAND RAIDERS are 2-1 on the season. 

4:25 p.m. -- I...love...football? With a passion?

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My LIVE(ish) Recap of Week 14's Raiders vs. Jets Game

12:36 PM EST -- Are you ready for some (totally inconsequential) FOOTBALL? Well, good, because today's match-up means precisely the following; Jack, and shit.

12:37 PM EST -- The Fox crew is doing a tribute to Nelson Mandela, a man who did absolutely nothing but positive things throughout his lifetime for the whole of humanity. He shall be sorely missed, especially in his home country, where living standards have improved dramatically since his presidency. 

12:41 PM EST -- Since the local sports bar is a Falcons and Vikings joint, perhaps its not surprising that the place is virtually empty. If anything, that doubly proves my loyalty to the Raiders -- if I'm willing to spend an afternoon watching a lackluster 4-8 squad do battle with a team whose points for/points against differential is 31st in the League, you KNOW I'm among the die hard. And also, possibly the retarded.

12:47 PM EST -- Just so you know; the Raiders have lost FIVE games this season in which they were leading at halftime. That's because Al Davis did something to piss off God, and royally.

12:48 PM EST -- Matt McGloin will be our starter for the Raiders, while Geno Smith will command the Jets, who despite their 5-7 record, are still in playoff contention, somehow.

12:55 PM EST -- And because life isn't trying enough; DMC, Rashad Jennings and Jeremy Stewart are ALL deactivated this afternoon. That means our go-to-guy in the backfield will be Marcel Reese, while Taiwan Jones (yes, Taiwan Jones, the CORNERBACK) will be the number two HB. 

1:03 PM EST -- Jets with the ball first. And New York is having no problems at all getting the ground game established early on.

1:04 PM EST -- Santanio Holmes with a huge pickup, and the Jets are already within field goal range.

1:07 PM EST -- Third and five situation. The Raiders' D puts pressure on Geno, and an endzone strike falls short. The field goal unit comes out, and it's 3-0 Jets early in the first.

1:11 PM EST -- And the Raiders will start their first offensive putsch from about their own 20. And Reece with a solid run up the gut on first down.

1:12 PM EST -- A surgical strike from McGloin to Reece gives Oakland a pick up of around twenty. Maybe even thirty, at first glance.

1:13 PM EST -- Well...McGloin ain't no Terrell Pryor when it comes to scrambling, that's for damned sure. A third and long coming up.

1:14 PM EST -- And nothing going on that drive. Here comes the Raiders' punting unit. The Jets will start their next possession at their own 20. 

1:17 PM EST -- The Raiders aren't doing a very good job of stopping the rushing or the passing game at this point. The Swiss cheese D-line rears its head again, I suppose...

1:18 PM EST -- And Woodson ALMOST has the INT. Jeez, when a dude that close to retirement is your shining beacon on defense, you KNOW you're a franchise in trouble.

1:19 PM EST -- So, of course, as soon as I type that, Kevin Burnett gets an ACTUAL interception. Well, of course he would.

1:21 PM EST -- Third down approaches. And nothing. Out comes Sea-bass. And of course, he schtoinks it. 3-0 Jets it doth remain.

1:24 PM EST -- Kellen Winslow with a crazy catch for a huge pickup. The Jets are once again well withing FG range.

1:25 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN JETS.

1:26 PM EST -- Jeremy Kerely with a 25 yard reception, which gives Geno his first passing TD since week 7. 10-0, New York.

1:28 PM EST -- Raiders starting at about their own 20. 

1:30 PM EST -- Just so you know: Fat Amy from "Pitch Perfect" has officially replaced Adele as my numero uno celebrity crush. Come on, you know you would, too.

1:33 PM EST -- AND IN COMES PRYOR!

1:34 PM EST --  Third and five. Well, the pass is good for a first down, but there is a flag on the play. The Raiders turn down the Jets offsides call, and it's a first and ten for Oakland.

1:35 PM EST -- Hilarious/brutally honest error time: the closed captioning text just referred to the Raiders' QB as "Terrible Pryor." 

1:39 PM EST -- Another penalty on the Jets, and the Raiders get a first and five opportunity. And Reece with more than enough for the pick-up.

1:41 PM EST -- And Reece with another solid run, almost picking up another set of downs on the play. And a one-yard follow-up gives the Raiders a first down in the Jets' red zone.

1:43 PM EST -- And Pryor gets dropped in the backfield for a major loss on second down. Looks like some ungodly pass interference on what would have been a TD pass. But of course, that means its an illegal formation call on Oakland. Of course it would be.

1:44 PM EST -- Sea-bass out, and it's 10-3 Jets. 

1:48 PM EST -- Second and 14 for the Jets. It's going to be short by about five or six yards.

1:49 PM EST -- And the Jets convert. Smith has to scramble on first down, but he doesn't get very far.

1:50 PM EST -- Third and seven. And Winslow with enough for the new set of downs.

1:51 PM EST -- A busted play will put the Jets back five yards. A real break for the Raiders there. AND GENO GETS SACKED!

1:52 PM EST -- Third and 24 for New York. A decent pick-up, but definitely not enough for the first down. And on the sidelines, McGloin is warming up his throwing arm...

1:55 PM EST -- And the Raiders will be starting this drive at what appears to be their own first centimeter.

1:57 PM EST -- Third and eight. AND MCGLOIN IS PICKED OFF BY ED REED! 

1:58 PM EST -- This may very well be the worst performance I've seen the Raiders turn in all season. And trust me -- that is saying something.

1:59 PM EST -- Well, at least Oakland is at least TRYING to put some pressure on Geno, I suppose.

2:00 PM EST -- And a miracle no-catch means the Jets will have to settle for a field goal. 13-3, Jets.

2:03 PM EST -- Less than five minutes left in the first half. McGloin will be our QB for the next possession.

2:07 PM EST -- Holding call on the Raiders. That makes it second and 17. Which brings us to a third and 17...

2:08 PM EST -- And nothing on fourth down. And a blocked punt gives the Jets another six points. Hooray for porous special team units!

2:10 PM EST -- 20-3, Jets. Burn this franchise to the ground, and make it snappy.

2:11 PM EST -- And a miscue on kickoff almost leads the Raiders to giving up ANOTHER TD. 

2:14 PM EST -- Third and eight. And nothin'. 

2:15 PM EST -- Being a Raiders fan is the football equivalent of raising a special needs child. So much work, so much extra involvement, and so little expectations at the end of the day. This, my friends, is what true fatherly love looks like.

2:17 PM EST -- Two minutes left in the half. The Jets have a two touchdown lead, plus a field goal for good measure. 

2:19 PM EST -- And the Jets are just going to ride this one out until halftime. 

2:20 PM EST -- As far as a short list of things the Raiders have done right today: nothing. 

2:21 PM EST -- Halftime yardage estimates? Jets, 173, Raiders, 138. 

2:23 PM EST -- So, uh, whose behind Matt McGloin on the depth chart now? 

2:36 PM EST -- And so I tune out of the game for five minutes, and Marcel Reece goes beast mode for a 63-yard touchdown run. As expected. 20-10, Jets.

2:38 PM EST -- ...why exactly would you build an open air stadium in New Jersey, anyway? Just wondering. 

2:40 PM EST -- And Winslow with another impressive reception. The Jets get a new set of downs, and at least four more shots at extending their lead over Oakland.

2:44 PM EST -- Second and four for New York. And the Raiders D blitzes.Third down approaches.

2:45 PM EST -- And Geno scrambles for a new set of downs. But there's a flag on the play -- an unnecessary roughness call on Lamar Houston gives the Jets and extra 15 yards. 

2:48 PM EST -- Second and goal for the Jets. And Geno rushes for another TD. 

2:49 PM EST -- 27-10, Jets. This is the sound of a professional sports team dying. 

2:52 PM EST -- Nine minutes left in the third quarter. Awesome...another 24 minutes to watch all my dreams die before my very eyes. 

2:53 PM EST -- At this point, do you think the Raiders should Lay Downey for Clowney, or Get Slaughtered for Bridgewater? 

2:54 PM EST -- It's amazing to think...just 14 weeks ago, I actually believed in that thing some call "hope." I was a fool, folks. A goddamned fool for ever believing. 

2:57 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

2:58 PM EST -- McGloin catches the Jets defense sleeping, and zonks a 48-yard touchdown pass to Rod Streater. 27-17, Jets. 

2:59 PM EST -- Believe it or not...believe it or friggin' not...the Raiders are STILL in playoff contention. Of course, if they drop this game, they're eliminated by default; with that in mind, how tragic do you think they can make this one, folks?

3:03 PM EST -- Powell with more than enough for a new set of downs for the Jets. But he doesn't go anywhere on first down. 

3:05 PM EST -- AND GENO GETS DROPPED FOR A LOSS! Third down coming up. And Oakland takes a time out because, a good goddamn, does Dennis Allen know how to manage the clock.

3:07 PM EST -- And Powell blazes through the Raiders' D. The sad thing is, this really is a vastly improved rush defense, too.

3:09 PM EST -- Third and nine for the Jets. And the Jets, miraculously, can't reel it in. New York is forced to attempt a field goal. And it's good. 

3:10 PM EST -- 30-17, Jets. 

3:13 PM EST -- Reece with a ten yard pick-up. But he gets dropped for a loss on first down.

3:14 PM EST -- Third and eight for Oakland. And a pass to Andre Homes is good for a first down. 

3:17 PM EST -- And McGloin does his best Pryor impersonation and, inconceivably, scrambles for nearly 20 yards. 

3:19 PM EST -- Third and five. No dice on a lob to the endzone. And a Sea-bass field goal makes this one a 10 point game. 30-20 Jets, with about 13 minutes left in the game. 

3:22 PM EST -- And the Jets start their next drive around their own 25.

3:24 PM EST -- Powell with no gain. Looks like New York will be facing a third and four situation. 

3:26 PM EST -- And the Jets convert. They face another third down. 

3:27 PM EST -- And Geno breaks one out, all the way to the Raiders' 15 yard line. F. M. L. 

3:28 PM EST -- Offsides on the Raiders, but you probably already knew that. 

3:29 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN JETS.

3:30 PM EST -- 37-20, Jets. Nine minutes left in the game, no minutes of any real relevance left in the Raiders season. 

3:34 PM EST -- So, yeah, I'd consider 2013 to be a pretty shitty year. Quite shitty, to say the least.

3:35 PM EST -- Streater with a nice catch, but really...there's nothing to be optimistic about here. You'd think after ten years, I would've learned my lesson by now...

3:37 PM EST -- Watching this game is like watching the man who killed your father marry your long lost lover. In fact, that's what being an Oakland Raiders fan is like, in general. 

3:39 PM EST -- Pass interference call on the Jets gives the Raiders a couple of extra yards on a failed fourth down conversion. 

3:40 PM EST -- Well, if the Raiders can manage to lose this game by just single digits, I suppose that's some sort of consolation, I guess.

3:45 PM EST -- A fourth and goal situation for Oakland. And they convert. Yay.

3:47 PM EST -- And another fourth and goal coming up for the Raiders. And Rivera gets a TD on a fake hand off. 37-27, Jets. 

3:49 PM EST -- Do you think if they move the Raiders to London, they'll start playing better? 

3:50 PM EST -- And Oakland shits the bed on an onside kick.  But at least the Jets get hit with a false start penalty, I guess.

3:52 PM EST -- So this one guy came into the bar around halftime, wearing a Jets shirt. At first, I thought he looked like Joe Nameth. Then, he started talking about drunk driving, and shit, now I'm starting to wonder if that really is Broadway Joe in front of me.

3:55 PM EST -- Less than a minutes left in the game. Raiders down by ten. Raiders fans, down by life, no doubt. 

3:57 PM EST -- And McGloin, ever one to home in on a symbolic finale, gets sacked to conclude this one, the Raiders' season, and quite possible the part of my life that ever believed in joy. 

4:00 PM EST -- The final score in East Ruherford? Jets, 37, Raiders, 27.

4:01 PM EST -- I hate football...with a passion. 

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LIVE Play-By-Play From Week 12’s Raiders vs. Bengals Game

Stream-of-consciousness notes from a long-suffering Oakland Raiders fanatic…

12:30 PM  EST - Well, it’s the last week of November, and the Raiders are already mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. At this point, I will be happy if Oakland can mount just six wins for the entire 2012 season. And the sad part? That odds of them going at least 0.375 in the win column before New Year’s Day is about as likely as an MC Hammer comeback.

12:37 PM EST - I guess I really don’t need to tell you about the back story behind this afternoon’s game. Carson Palmer, after single-handedly crushing every dream I’ve ever had for the last two seasons, returns to Cincinnati, to led a defensively stunted Raiders squad against his ex-team - a 5-5 team that’s won their last two games by a combined point spread of 59-19. And the Raiders are DEAD LAST defensively in 2012, posting a league-high 32.2 points allowed PER GAME.

12:41 PM EST - Oh shit, and I almost forgot; our ex-boyfriend Bruce Gradkowksi is playing backup in Cincy, while the rest of that god-forsaken heck hole gallivants around with their new squeeze, Andy Dalton. God, I hate having sloppy seconds.

12:52 PM EST - Looks like the Raiders will be without Run-DMC for the third week in a row. Marcel Reece has impressed as Oakland’s new #1 HB, but he ain’t exactly putting up world-shattering stats, either.

12:55 PM EST - P.S.: I hate Dennis Allen, so much.

1:02 PM EST - Raiders are set to receive first here in Cincinnati.

1:04 PM EST - Looks like Oakland is trying to get the run game going early. Considering Palmer’s recent forays, I think that’s more than a wise decision.

1:05 PM EST - And Palmer gets sacked. FML already.

1:06 PM EST - Raiders with a 3rd and 14. And a good goddamn, DO I HATE CARSON PALMER.

1:10 PM EST - 3rd and 1 for the Bengals. F. My. LIFE.

1:13 PM EST - BenJarvus Green-Ellis may or may not have a touchdown. Either way, the Bengals will at least have a fresh set of downs at the Raiders’ 1, and all of a sudden, I really have to throw up.

1:15 PM EST - And the points come off the board. An utterly meaningless reprieve for the Raiders, but gosh darn it, I will take it.

1:16 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN BENGALS. Green-Ellis punches it in, and Cincy leads 7-0 with about nine minutes left in the first quarter.

1:21 PM EST - Third and five for Oakland. And a dropped pass. Of course.

1:22 PM EST - It’s not even 1:30 in the afternoon, and I already hate myself and everything in this universe.

1:23 PM EST - Total yardage estimates so far? Cincinnati, 58, Oakland, a measly eight.

1:26 PM EST - Third and six for the Bengals. And Eff this Ess like you would not believe.

1:27 PM EST - You know, I’m beginning to think this whole season has been some sort of cosmological punishment for never paying that late-fee for “Spider-Man 3” before the local Blockbuster shut down.

1:31 PM EST - Of course the Bengals would pick up the first. You knew they would.

1:32 PM EST - A holding call, but SWERVE! It’s on the Bengals. So far, that’s the most positive thing that’s gone down for the Raiders today.

1:34 PM EST - The Bengals with an apparent touchdown, but it’s under review. And yeah, it counts. 14-0, Cincinnati.

1:37 PM EST - You know, I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: nothing good’s ever come out of Cincinnati. Ever.

1:41 PM EST - 3rd and 10 for the Raiders, and this is quickly shaping up to be Palmer’s worst performance of the year. And holy hell, is that saying something.

1:42 PM EST -

1:43 PM EST - You know, the Raiders in 2012 have kept redefining the term “nadir.” Every game, you say to yourself, “there’s no way the Raiders can play WORSE in the next game,” and then, yeah, they do.

1:45 PM EST - And the Raiders FINALLY stop Dalton on a third down. Let’s see if Oakland can, you know, make the ball go forward this time around.

1:48 PM EST - As a Raiders fan, I can safely say there hasn’t been a man this tormented by a redhead since Al Bundy.

1:55 PM EST - As a rough estimate, the Bengals have out-yarded the Raiders 165-25 so far today.

1:57 PM EST - I am absolutely flabbergasted by how awful the Raiders are in 2012. Trying to pinpoint who should receive the most blame between Dennis Allen, Mark Davis and Carson Palmer is sort of a moot point - after all, to play this horrible you HAVE to make it a collective effort.

2:01 PM EST - ANOTHER first and goal chance for the Bengals. This may in fact be the absolute worst day in the history of humanity.

2:02 PM EST - At this point, I don’t know why the Raiders D-Line DOESN’T intentionally try to cripple Andy Dalton. I mean, shit, why not.

2:03 PM EST - Everything you need to know about the 2012 season, in a nutshell: the only other Raiders fans in the pub just walked out in disgust, and it’s not even the third quarter yet. For god’s sake, even the CHIEFS fans stick around until at least the fourth.

2:06 PM EST - Yardage update? Bengals 254, Raiders…25. Twenty-five total yards, people. Twenty-five.

2:07 PM EST - You know, I could be real pissy about this game, but you know what? I have something called a “future-centric orientation” when it comes to things. Yeah, the Raiders are playing like, well, the Raiders now, but come 2034, when the Raiders finally make it back to the playoffs, I will reflect on this day, and smile, in smug acknowledgement of how far we’ve come as a organization.

02:08 PM EST - But, yeah, for the time being - GOD, I HATE EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.

02:10 PM EST - Well, the Raiders at least got A first down this afternoon…

02:11 PM EST - Carson Palmer and Andy Dalton reconfirm what we’ve all known for centuries: all redheaded people are worthless scum.

02:20 PM EST - Well, at least I’ve got the Los Angeles Kings to restore my sanity this April. Oh, wait.

02:23 PM EST - Thank goodness the Bengals just stoinked that field goal. I mean, a 21-point differential is surmountable, but a 24-0 spread heading into the third? Get outta’ here with that farcical shit.

02:29 PM EST - At the end of the first half, it’s Bengals 24, Raiders 0. I am now wholeheartedly convinced that the University of Northern Illinois could probably beat Oakland in an exhibition game.

02:32 PM EST - Yardage update: Bengals, 289, Raiders 83. Football is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

02:37 PM EST - You know, it takes a man with a lot of decency in his heart to watch something he loves dump nothing but unfettered misery on his lap this much. I’ve never thought about cheating on my spouse before, but when your soul mate treats you like this? I gotta’ admit, folks, the glimmer of red and gold is looking mighty damn alluring these days…

02:51 PM EST - Running, passing, defense, special teams - the Raiders can’t do ANYTHING right this season. I fully expect them to sleep in and forget to show up next week against Cleveland.

02:53 PM EST - This is easily the worst collective Raiders performance I have EVER seen. And that’s going back to the days when Andrew Walter and Daunte Culpepper were competing for first string QB.

02:55 PM EST - Fine, I’ll say it: JAMARCUS RUSSELL would do a better job as starter than Carson Palmer. Honest to god, if his worthless ass isn’t unemployed next week, I am going to…um, hope he isn’t employed in the subsequent week, I guess.

02:59 PM EST - And the Raiders STOP the Bengals on third down! That’s a really minimal achievement, but considering this team’s defense, it’s like watching them win ten Super Bowls in a row.

03:04 PM EST - It’s amazing to me how a human being could have so much optimism about things at noon, and by three o’clock, he’s ready to drink premium gasoline and swallow a match. Thank you, Raiders, for making my will to live a lot more suspect than I thought it was.

03:07 PM EST - And Dalton gets sacked. Unfortunately, Philip Wheeler didn’t give him a Bas Rutten liver punch while he was down.

03:13 PM EST - Marcel Reece with the best Raiders run of the day. Hell, who am I kidding - practically the only Raiders run of the day thus far.

03:14 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! Palmer connects with Denarius Moore to make this one a 24-10 game. Can the Raiders stage an epic comeback this evening in Cincinnati? (A: No. No, they cannot.)

03:18 PM EST - Andy Dalton eats dirt again! It only took three and a half hours, but the Raiders finally seem to realize this isn’t a scrimmage game.

03:23 PM EST - And the Raiders turn the ball over. Ohio shouldn’t even be a state.

03:24 PM EST -

03:30 PM EST - And a Bengals field goal makes this one a 27-10 game. This season is so done, you can’t even chew it.

03:36 PM EST - Jeremy Stewart with a 26 yard gain, followed up by a 10 yard rush by Marcel Reece. Do the Raiders really need a pass game anymore?

03:40 PM EST - Raiders with a 3 and 24. And since Palmer is the QB, you can take a wild guess what ends up happening next.

03:42 PM EST - After this season, I think the Raiders might as well change their motto from “Commitment to Excellence” to “Well, at least we have a good punter.”

03:50 PM EST - And oh hell, we’ve got ourselves an on-field melee. Expect some ejections momentarily.

03:55 PM EST - Two Raiders defensemen get booted, while one member of the Cincinnati O-Line gets tossed. If the Raiders defense doesn’t turn into the Hanson Brothers from “Slap Shot” for the next five games, I am going to be plenty pissed.

4:00 PM EST - With less than four minutes to go, the net yardage estimates are fairly one-sided: the Bengals have 411, while the Raiders have just 205.

4:03 PM EST - And Dalton chunks in another TD, and if you are a Raiders fan, you ultimately have no reason to live until at least next September.

4:11 PM EST - A dropped pass on 4th down, and this game is over, and hard.

4:13 PM EST - Our final score today in Southern Ohio? Bengals 34, Raiders 10. I hate football, with a passion.

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