LIVE(ish) Round-By-Round Coverage of UFC 241: Cormier vs. Miocic 2!

Can’t catch tonight’s latest and greatest PPV spectacular, for whatever reason? No problem, Holmes — our ongoing play-by-play will keep you abreast of the MMA action ALL NIGHT LONG.

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The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 226: Miocic vs. Cormier!

Unable to catch tonight's latest and greatest MMA spectacular? No worries, homey ... our LIVE round-by-round coverage will keep you in the loop all night long.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Well, it's time for the UFC's annul Fourth of July PPV, and this year we've got ourselves a big one — figuratively, symbolically, and literally. 

Champion versus champion bouts in the UFC are pretty rare. In fact, throughout the 25-year history of the promotion, there's never been a Light Heavyweight Champion vs. Heavyweight Champion contest — until tonight.

Of course, the UFC would prefer such a bout occur with slightly more marketable names than Stipe Miocic and Daniel Cormier (indeed, one can only imagine the inevitable Jon Jones vs. Brock Lesnar vs. USADA post-fight drug testing triangle match will at least double the buy rates of this show.) But still, there's no denying the match-up between Cleveland's greatest living athlete and arguably the best overall heavyweight fighter of the last decade is an intriguing one.

Both D.C. and Stipe are outstanding wrestlers. They can both hit hard as motherfuckers, too. And for their sizes, their cardio is surprisingly solid. If a motherfucker wants to get in a brawl, each man is more than capable of lobbing some bombs, and if somebody wants to get all chess match on these suckahs, they can certainly make it a technical showcase if need be.

The bottom line, though, is that whoever walks away the victor in tonight's main event is unquestionably the greatest Heavyweight fighter in MMA history. Yep, better than Fedor or Randy Couture or Cain Velasquez or Cole Konrad. If Miocic wins, that means he's vanquished seven probable UFC Hall of Famers (including five former UFC champions) in a row, and if Cormier wins? Well, in addition to making him a two weight-class champ, it also makes him the only fighter in history to hold the UFC, Strikeforce and King of the Cage Heavyweight Championships.

So yes, it's an old canard, I know, but for once, the UFC brass ain't laying in their marketing — tonight, MMA history truly will be made, and you'd have to be one pitiful fool to miss out on this one. 

And hey, the undercard (at least for the PPV portion) ain't too bad looking, either. We've got two black heavyweights duking it out in a probable number one contender's match (which also practically guarantees us a CTE-inducing knockout finish, at that), plus a whole bunch of dudes we all thought we're going to be really, really good that started losing a lot of fights desperately, direly trying to make themselves relevant again in our three lead-in Pay-Per-View contests. I mean, if the likes of Gokhan Saki, Mike Perry and Anthony goddamn motherfuckin' Pettis isn't enough to get you to fork over $59.99, what will?

And — as always — we here at The Internet Is In America will be covering the fighting festivities ALL NIGHT LONG, as our patented, industry-leading LIVE COVERAGE begins TONIGHT at 10 P.M. So if you're one of those poor souls whose computers are too old and shitty to download an illegal stream or the local sports bar banned you for life for trying to goose an 18-year-old waitress, no worries, Holmes.

So all that to say, be here or be queer (or be here and be queer, we're a more tolerant society these days) around 10 o'clock and we'll keep you abreast and avaginaed of all of the wonder and whimsy UFC 226 has to offer. And how about doing us a kindness and letting all your fight fan friends on social media know about our free public service this evening? Not only will they appreciate and admire your generosity, you might even get oral out of it. Maybe.

Light Heavyweight Bout

Gokhan Saki (1-1-0-0) vs. Khalil Rountree, Jr. (6-2-0-1)

Saki is a Dutch-Turkish kickboxer motherfucker who's pretty accomplished in K1, with victories over the likes of Tyrone Spong, Melvin Manhoef and Anderson Silva (but, uh, not that Anderson Silva.) He's 1-1 in MMA competition, but he did look pretty good in his UFC debut last September, when he knocked Henrique da Silva da fuq out in Saitama. Roundtree, on the other hand, has had an up-and-down career since joining the UFC in 2016, collecting a 2-2-0-1 record over the last two or so years. But more importantly, his Wikipedia page says he once weighed 300 pounds, his dad was shot and killed while doing security detail for Boyz II Men and he's a fan of The Village People ... which, naturally, makes him the house favorite around these parts.

[NOTE: OK, I missed this one, but the Internet tells me the black one knocked the fuck out of the Muslim one in barely two minutes. The GIF is probably already floating around out there in Internet-land, so it shouldn't be too hard to relive this one.]

Lightweight Bout (Oops ... Make That A 157.5 Pound Catchweight Bout)

Michael Chiesa (14-3-0-0) vs. Anthony Pettis (20-7-0-0)

Thanks to Chiesa being unable to make weight, he loses 30 percent of his purse and this fight is now officially a catchweight contest at 157.5 pounds (which has to be the most random ass number I've ever seen for such a contest.) By and large Chiesa has had a pretty decent tenure in the UFC, with wins over Beniel Dariush, Jim Miller and Colton Smith, but in his last go-at-it more than a year ago he got choked out like a bitch by Kevin Lee. Anthony Pettis, on the other hand, is a man who will forever be known for one thing — which, of course, is going 7-6 in the UFC after spin kicking Ben Henderson's Will Smith-looking face off that one time in WEC. Naturally, that adds some drama to the matchup; will Pettis see his Ultimate Fighting Championship record hit .500 tonight, or will the former Wheaties Box star make a mini-career comeback in spectacular fashion?

[NOTE: OK, I missed this one too but trust me, I have legitimate, work-related reasons for slacking off. Anyway, Pettis won via triangle choke about a minute into the second round. So it was kinda' like the ending of the first Anderson Silva vs. Chael Sonnen fight, except, uh, nobody cares as much, I guess.]

Welterweight Bout

Paul Felder (15-3-0-0) vs. Mike Perry (11-3-0-0)

For a hot minute, both these guys were highly touted prospects, and to be fair, they both still have a lot of potential. Felder's stock, though, took a hit when he dropped back-to-back fights against Edson Barboza (understandable) and a way past his prime Ross Pearson (not understandable in a million billion years), but he has won three fights in a row, all of which were elbow-intensive finishes. In the other corner, we're working with Mike "Platinum" Perry, who after a hot start with knockouts over Hyun Gyu Lim and Danny Roberts, has dropped two decision losses in a row, with his last taking place in February against Max Griffin. Needless to say, both men would very much like to take home the W here ... although from the looks of it, Perry might just be fighting for his professional livelihood here.

An errant headbutt has both men bleeding like stuck pigs just seconds into the fight. We've got a clinch against the cage and Perry lands a right elbow. We have separation and Perry kicks Felder's leg. Then Felder connects on a big overhand. Perry misses on a looping overhand and Felder ROCKS Perry's ass with a hard elbow shot. Felder with a knee to the stomach and a hard jab. Felder connects on a front kick to the stomach. Felder whiffs on a high kick. Perry lands a couple of jabs and here comes Felder right back with the patella sandwiches. It's pretty much dead even on strikes landed at this point. Perry grazes Felder with an elbow in the clinch. Felder lands a spinning back kick. Perry hits a jab to the stomach and Felder lands a spinning back fist at the very tail end of the round.

Round two. Felder looking for high kicks early. Perry lands a combo and tries to crush Felder against the cage. He lands a big takedown. Felder is right back to his feet. Joe keeps saying he thinks Felder has a broken hand. Perry spamming the right now. Felder lands another spinning kick to the torso. Felder connects on a jab, but Perry just eats it. Felder with a leg kick ... and boy howdy, my Internet just went down. How fuckin' dandy.

The Wi-Fi comes back in with a minute left in the third. Felder looks like a morbidly obese woman just had a period on his face. Fuck, Felder looks WAY too much like The Irate Gamer for it to be a coincidence. Anyway, Perry throws a whole bunch of attempted haymakers and the crowd cheers like crazy once the bell sounds. Oh goddamn, they just replayed the huge left from Perry that made Felder's face explode. That shit is grisly right there.

Alright, let's go to the judges, why don't we? It's 29-28 Perry, 29-28 Felder and ... 29-28 Perry.

This is Perry's first-ever decision victory. Rogan praises Perry for his "controlled aggression" and Perry comments on how big Felder is for a welterweight. Well, that was a pretty boring post-fight interview.

That one dude from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Matt Serra and Demetrious Johnson are all in the house. And are they REALLY putting Mighty Mouse on the cover of the next UFC video game? Shit ... the UFC truly is starved for star power, ain't they?

Anyway, the UFC is letting a dude with one arm try out for The Ultimate Fighter. If it were up to me, they'd make him fight against a dude with one leg and make that shit Crippled Masters come to life.

Heavyweight Bout

Francis Ngannou (11-2-0-0) vs. Derrick Lewis (19-5-0-1)

To quote Quinton Jackson: "it's time for some more black-on-black crime!" Of course, Ngannou might just be the most feared striker on the planet right now, but as apparent by his lackluster showing against Stipe Miocic back in January, his cardio remains a huge problem. Lewis, on the other hand, is a long-time divisional stalwart who's fresh off an impressive knockout win against Marcin Tybura in February, but around here we primarily know him as the guy who tells female coworkers to wash their buttholes before tossing salads and referring to his opponents as known domestic abusers to their face in his post-fight interviews. So, all that to say? This one probably won't last too long, folks, but it's sure as hell bound to be entertaining.

Lewis comes out wearing a white track suit, accompanied by the aural strings of some kind of hippity-hoppity music, as the kids today call it. And holy shit, Ngannou comes out to Despacito. Did I accidentally fall into a time warp vortex to July 2017 or something?

Lewis comes into this fight about 10 pounds heavier than Ngannou. Ngannou's switching stances early. Lewis whiffs on a fat high kick. The fans are already booing the inaction. Lewis lands a kick to the stomach and they have a very brief fist exchange. Both men taking it slow and keeping their distance. Lewis with a switch kick up high. Lewis lands another high kick. Ngannou hasn't thrown ANYTHING yet. Lewis lands a leg kick and Ngannou blocks the overhand shot. Lewis with another big, fat switch kick up high. He lands one more high kick and the fans BOO THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING as the first round comes to an end.

Round two. You know, I've already said this before, but Lewis sure is fat. So far, these two men have combined for only SEVEN landed strikes. LOL at the fans doing the Bray Wyatt thing with their cell phones to sure their displeasure with this shit. Lewis misses on a huge haymaker by about three zip codes. Now the fans are chanting "Fight! Fight!" like restless elementary schoolers. Oh man, we are *this* close to the fans showering the cage with garbage like an old WCW Nitro broadcast or something. Lewis with a shitty leg kick. Ref Herb Dean stops the fight and tells both men to stop acting like pussies and fuckin' do something. Lewis lands another high kick and a quick jab. Ngannou throws a few pussy punches, and the bell sounds. Rogan says this might just be the most boring heavyweight fight in history. Hell, he might be right, depending on how the next five minutes go.

Round three. Holy shit, it's like Ngannou's afraid to fight anymore. Lewis with more crappy leg kicks. A minute into the third round, we have a combined 15 landed strikes. Three minutes left. This is reaching all-time bad levels now. Ngannou connects on a kick to the ribs. Lewis working the low kicks and a molasses slow flurry of punches. Jon Anik tells the fans to go watch these two men's old fights to prove they don't suck. One minute left. "It feels like this should be a double loss," Rogan comments. Ngannou lands a hard left with thirty seconds left. Lewis with some knees in the clinch. Ngannou goes for a takedown and he lands a punch to Lewis' skull after the bell. Oh my god, this was astonishingly terrible in every possible way.

Let's hear from the judges, why don't we? It's 29-28, 29-28 and 30-27 for Derrick Lewis. LOL, that fight was so shitty nobody gets a post-fight interview. 

Holy shit, BROCK LESNAR is making his way cageside! And he asks Joe if he can be on his podcast. Huh. That ... was kinda' anticlimactic.

That fight put somebody to sleep, alright ... the paying audience.

UFC Heavyweight Championship Bout

Stipe Miocic (18-2-0-0) vs. Daniel Cormier (20-1-0-1)

And this is it, kids — the big enchilada. Considering the historic magnitude of the bout (remember, there's never been a Heavyweight Champ vs. Light Heavyweight Champ bout in the UFC before), you'd think there'd be a little bit more publicity heading into the matchup, but aye, that's what happens when drug testing means you've got to work with some Croatian firefighter and the black version of Fedor instead of Brock Lesnar and Jon Jones. Still, this ought to be one hell of a fight, no matter the circumstances. Considering the ring IQ of both veteran fighters, it's hard to imagine this one devolving into a slug fest, but then again, this is for all the marbles and status as the consensus greatest 220-pound plus fighter in history. For all intents and purposes, this is about as big a matchup as the MMA world is able to allot us for the foreseeable future ... better soak it up and enjoy it for all its worth, folks. And hey, if we're really lucky? We might even get to see Daniel Cormier trip over something again ... mayhap before he even gets inside the Octagon this evening.

Hoo boy, these two have a tough act to follow, don't they? Cormier comes out first, and although I don't know what his theme music is, it's pretty fucking awesome and I should probably Shazam it at some point. LOL at Joe Rogan saying Alexander Volkov is the third best heavyweight on the planet right now. And, of course, Miocic comes out to Machine Gun Kelly, chewing gum and looking all relaxed and shit.

Miocic gets a pretty big reaction from the crowd. It's by no means GSP or Conor McGregor level or anything, but it's certainly more voluble than you'd expect. Oh, and Machine Gun Kelly is in the crowd tonight — get a good look at him before he inevitably dies of a molly overdose a year or so from now. 

Micoic has a considerable reach and height advantage, but Cormier is the heavier competitor. The ref is a Limey so you just know he's going to try to screw over the Croatian. Miocic chases D.C. down and he lands some big shots. Both men land uppercuts and Miocic has underhooks in. Miocic crushing D.C. up against the cage, American History X shower scene style. D.C. lands some rabbit punches in the clinch. D.C. with a stiff right jab. Miocic with a hard knee to the body and some elbow shots. D.C. lands a HARD leg kick. And another one. Miocic with a great elbow. They exchange combos and we get a timeout after D.C. thumbs Miocic in the eyes. Looks like he learned something from Jon Jones after all. We get another wild exchange ... AND D.C. UNCORKS A FLURRY ON MICOIC AND WINS BY TKO!

It was a hard right in the clinch that got her done. D.C. landed about half a dozen unanswered shots on the ground before the ref waved it off. The fans chant "D.C." before the official decision is announced. The official time was 4:33 of the very first round.

Cormier calls out Brock Lesnar and he comes in and he's literally a foot and a half taller than the Heavyweight Champion. Brock shoves him halfway across the cage, grabs the mic, calls Ngannou and Miocic "a piece of shit" and calls Cormier a "motherfucker." Then D.C. tells Brock to leave the Octagon so he can take a couple of photos. Holy shit, this felt carny as fuck, but I still loved it.

Anyhoo, I'll be back first thing in the morning with some more cogent thoughts on the show. In the meantime ... ya'll get some sleep, why don't you?

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Obviously, Daniel Cormier vs. Brock Lesnar will be an all-go sometime before the year's over, and even if it is a made-for-PPV spectacle, it nonetheless ought to be an entertaining one — I mean, the height discrepancy alone makes it a more intriguing matchup than just about any other Heavyweight bout they could book at the moment. Speaking of Heavyweights, I suppose Stipe Miocic vs. Derrick Lewis is the de facto Number One Contender's bout to make next, although Lewis probably doesn't deserve it after tonight's less than inspiring performance. Along those same lines, I'd really like to see Francis Ngannou tangle with Alexander Volkov next, but if he's as hesitant to throw blows as badly as he was in the fight against Lewis, methinks it's time to send this motherfucker to Bellator.

THE VERDICT? This was an alright show, but one that was a couple of steps below the quality of the last couple of Fourth of July PPVs. The main event, although shorter than expected, was definitely exciting, and the undercard — particularly the Felder/Perry shindig and the Chiesa/Pettis barnburner — I'd consider fairly above-average for a 2018 MMA show. That said, the co-main event was so terrible, it pretty much poisoned everything about this show ... indeed, it's hard to imagine anyone remembering this show a good three or four years down the road for anything other than the presumptive front runner for worst fight of '18.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Perry/Felder was a solid welterweight brawl, and there's no denying Miocic/Cormier was entertaining as fuck while it lasted.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: Ngannou/Lewis wasn't just bad ... it was Kimbo/Dada bad, ya'll.

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: "He doesn't need a trainer. He needs a sports psychologist." — Joe on Francis Ngannou surprisingly timid performance

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW: 

- If you ever need to tap a vein, you don't need a needle; a well-timed elbow right to the noggin ought to do the trick.

- If you're the hardest puncher in human history, it's probably a good idea to, you know, try to punch people in a fight.

- If you're fighting a dude who's almost a foot shorter than you, you might want to watch for some inside uppercuts in the clinch.

-Workplace violence is totally unacceptable ... unless you're in the UFC, at which point physically assaulting another employee on live television means you get a PPV main event.

- At this point, no matter how much you suck, if you weigh between 220-265 pounds, you could probably qualify for a top ten Heavyweight in the UFC these days.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "Mind of a Lunatic" by the Geto Boys  and "Got My Mind Made Up" by Tupac and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.

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The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 220: Miocic vs. Ngannou!

Unable to check out tonight's latest and greatest UFC PPV, for whatever stupid-ass reason? No worries, Holmes - our LIVE round-by-round coverage will keep you in the loop all night long ...

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Yep, it's another Saturday night and - once more - it's one perfectly acceptable for mutually-agreed upon, profits-driven combat in a semi-controlled and regulated environment.

There's no use sugar-coating this, though. The undercard for this show is one of the worst in recent memory - when motherfuckers like Calvin Kattar are appearing in the middle of a PPV, you KNOW the matchmakers just didn't give a fuck. Alas, the top two fights of the night ought to be good 'uns, as we have back-to-back Light Heavyweight and Heavyweight Championship contests on the docket. 

The co-main event of Stipe Miocic vs. Francis Ngannou and Daniel Cormer vs. Volkan Oezdemir gives us quite possibly the most powerful one-two shot in UFC history. There's a strong argument to be made that those four men are currently the four heaviest hitters in mixed martial arts at the moment (we're not counting Jon Jones or Cain Velasquez, obviously), and realistically, all four competitors could feasibly knock out their opponents' tonight with a thunderous shot just seconds into their respective fights. Needless to say, our top two bouts of the evening aren't showcases built around finesse or technique or even multifaceted skill - nope, our championship double header is genetically engineered to give us a double shot of explosive force on explosive force violence, with an approximated 99.999998 percent chance of at least ONE of the four men getting their heads uppercut clean off their shoulders like that black kid in Friday the 13th Part 8. 

Yeah - you definitely don't want to miss this shit right here. As always, our LIVE ROUND-BY-ROUND COVERAGE begins at 10 p.m. Eastern time, so you literally don't have any excuse to miss our patented, industry-leading commentary - even if you have a super shitty Internet connection because you live out in the woodlands of rural America and have to use dial-up like it's still 1998 or something. Regardless, be sure to hit the refresh tab, because the updates will be coming fast and furious. And hey! Why don't you do us and yourselves a favor by telling yer' MMA watchin' friends about our free public service this evening? Not only will they appreciate your thoughtfulness, at least one of them will probably offer you a blowjob for your considerations ... voluntary, or involuntarily.

Alright, we are coming to you LIVE from Boston, Taxachussetts. Our hosts are Joe Rogan, Jon Anik and Dominic Cruz. Rogan calls Ngannou a "once in a million human being," which means there's at least six thousand Ngannous running around the planet right now. Oh, and he goes into this fight with 17 pounds on Miocic. God. Damn.

Hey, did you know it's the 25th anniversary of the UFC? And this is the first time the Heavyweight and Light Heavyweight Championships have been defended on the same show since UFC 92 in 2008. And LOL at Anik obliquely saying the Light Heavyweight division was actually good back then, in a roundabout way.

And of course, Boston hasn't adopted the new unified MMA rules, so that means we're guaranteed at least one sloppy screwjob finish, if not several if we're truly lucky.

BANTAMWEIGHT BOUT

Thomas Almeida (22-2-0-0) vs. Rob Font (14-3-0-0)

Almeida entered the UFC in 2014 with a 17-0 record - since then he's gone 4-2 in the Octagon, with his last in-cage appearance resulting in a tough decision loss to Jimmie Rivera. His opponent Font - who, coincidentally, also joined the UFC in 2014 - is 4-2 under the Zuffa/WME banner, having lost his last bout to Pedro Munhoz via submission last October. So yeah, this is one of those "two guys not quite in the top 15 divisional rankings just yet trying to overcome a bad performance" fights, which means you'd think at least one of 'em would be swinging for the fences in order to get him some of that sweet, sweet bonus money. Alas, we'll see if these two guys scrap like they desperately, direly,need the moolah, or if they scrap like two guys just happy to be getting a cut of the PPV revenue because this is probably the last time either of their asses will be on Pay-Per-View.

Rob Font comes out first to music that sounds like it was probably made by a brown person of some kind. Meanwhile, Almeida comes out draped in the Brazilian flag while aurally accompanied by music that sounds like the background noise of a gay disco.

Huh. The cutman is still wearing a #BostonStrong shirt. Bruce Buffer calls Boston "The City of Champions" and Rob Font gets a huge ovation for fighting out of some podunk town in Massachusetts. Just so you know, this fight is brought to you by Modelo, a.k.a. the poor man's Dos Equis. Font working the jabs early, Almeida testing the waters with leg kicks. Now they're trading some heavy hands. Font whiffs on a high kick. Then Almeida whiffs on another one. Almeida has a nasty red welt on his shoulder blade. Font can't connect on a left uppercut. Almeida with a good combo. Almeida royally fucks up a spinning back fist and can't land a Judo toss as the bell sounds.

Round two. Font with a good one-two combo. And then he stuns him. Font secures the takedown, but Almeida is right back up. Font connects on two mean uppercuts and some NASTY body shots. Font lands another takedown. Almeida swinging some hard leg kicks now. Font lands a jab, a HUGE uppercut and he puts Almeida OUT with a series of hammer fists on the ground.

It was a gigantic right hand that put Almeida up against the cage, and a lightning quick head kick that pretty much sealed it. The official time is 2:20.

Rob Font, seen here pretending to be the Teddy Kennedy to Tom Almeida's Mary Jo Kopechne.

Hey, Amanda Nunes is in the house. She's still a champion in one of those weight classes nobody cares about, right?

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT BOUT

Gian Villante (15-8-0-0) vs. Francimar Barroso (19-5-0-1)

Having lost back-to-back fights to Shogun Rua and Patrick Cummins last year, Villante needs a win here like a dwarf needs a step ladder to jack off Shaquille O'Neal. Opponent Barroso, wouldn't you know it, is also coming off a loss (a decision defeat against Aleksandar Rakic back in September), so he also needs a victory in much the same way a little person would perhaps need an elevated platform of some kind to manually masturbate a 7 foot tall NBA Hall of Famer. Except, uh, not as bad as Villante does, naturally.

Barroso comes out to Eminem, because Brazil is still about 15 years behind the rest of us. Hey, did you know there's a Bellator show going on right now? Yeah, me neither. Villante, a former Hofstra football player, comes out to some kind of music that sounds like it could be used in God's Not Dead 3 or something. Not only does Gian pray before he enters the cage, he does two Hail Marys for good measure.

Gian lands a BIG right hand early. He's still stalking down Barroso. Barroso lands an uppercut. Gian with another big overhand shot. He follows suit with a huge uppercut. Gian whiffs on a high kick. Gian still chasing him. Barroso with kicks to the stomach, the he trips backwards over his own feet. There's so little shit happening in the cage that Joe Rogan has to fill the dead air with an anecdote about Muhammad Ali running backwards. Barroso goes for a spinning back fist and Gian somehow stops it by leg kicking him. Barroso with a good leg kick and a brief striking exchange right at the bell.

Round two. Chris Weidman is in Gian's corner tonight. Gian with a leg kick. He tags Barroso with SEVERAL heavy lefts. Barroso lands a counter right and grabs his nuts. OK, the timeout is over. Gian is still working those leg kicks. Gian with a big right. Gian is leading on head strikes, 23 to 12. Barroso with kicks to the midsection. Barroso stumbles into the cage. They exchange uppercut shots. Barroso with a leg kick, then a kick to the stomach. Gian spends the final 30 seconds just walking Barroso down, while his opponent doesn't do Jack Shit.

Round three. Gian loading up on the overhand rights already. Barroso stumbling backwards again. Gian rattles off a good one-two combo. Barroso with a hard kick to the midsection. Gian staggers his foe with a huge left. Barroso keeps back pedaling and the fans are booing the shit out of him. Barroso lands some leg kicks and a jab. Gian keeps advancing, which is exactly what he's been doing for the last 13 minutes. We've got a minute left. And, as expected, absolutely fuckin' nothing happens.

Let's go to the judge's score cards. It's 30-27 Villante, 29-28 Barroso and 30-27 Villante. Gian wins it by split decision. Shit, that one judge has to be on crystal meth. In the post-fight Gian says he wants to see Stipe kick Ngannou's ass and that he's here to "put on a show" and drink "Tedy Brewskis" all night. Get it, because Tedy Bruschi used to play for the Patriots and shit?

What do you mean Barroso lost? Did you see how many of Villante's punches he blocked with his face?

Demetrious Johnson and Forrest Griffin are in the house. I assure you - the pop was most definitely for the one guy who hasn't fought in about seven years.

FEATHERWEIGHT BOUT

Calvin Kattar (17-2-0-0) vs. Shane Burgos (10-0-0-0)

Fuck it, Calvin Kattar still doesn't have a Wikipedia page so I'm having to dig up datum from Sherdog, for Christ's sake. Well, his nickname is "The Boston Finisher," and tonight's PPV is in Boston, so that's really, really tempting fate right there. He beat Andre Fili at UFC 214 in his company debut last year, and he's currently riding a nine fight professional winning streak. Which, as fate would have it, is one shy of Shane "Hurricane" Burgos' ten fight professional winning streak, which includes wins over the likes of Godofredo Pepey, Charles Rosa, Tiago Tratar and a whole buncha' other people you've never heard of before. So, yeah, considering their respective pedigrees, this one - on paper, at least - should be a good one. Unfortunately, we don't fight fights on paper, we fight them in the Octagon, though, so who knows - it could just as easily be a shitshow of biblical proportions before it's all over and done with.

Anik tells a story about Burgos having scoliosis when he was a kid and his back being bent at a 49 degree angle. He's also a Tiger Schulman Black Belt, which sounds impressive, even though I have no idea who or what a "Tiger Schulman" is. Kattar, the Massachusetts native, comes out to "Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty, who as it turns out, overdosed on no less than seven different types of opioids.

Both men keeping it close in the pocket. Looks like Burgos has the better range. Kattar has some pretty good jabs, though. Burgos fires back with a front kick to the sternum. Kattar lands two stiff jabs. Kattar with a HUGE right and Burgos rattles off two counter punches to the bread basket. Burgos with another good body shot. Kattar almost lands an uppercut. Burgos with some leg kicks and a great one-two combo. Kattar keeping Burgos on his toes with his right. Burgos misses on an uppercut and Kattar whiffs on a kick as the round expires.

Round two. Both guys' faces are all fucked up. Burgos the early aggressor, throwing a bunch of front kicks and quick jabs. Kattar remains committed to that jab, though. Kattar with a leg kick. He shoots for a takedown but he can't get it. Kattar has outlanded Burgos on head strikes 45 to 13. Burgos rips some solid body shots. Burgos' face is lobster red now and Kattar looks like he has a busted nose. Burgos lands a TON of body shots up against the cage. Burgos with another good offensive flurry. Kattar almost lands the uppercut. Kattar with leg kicks in bunches. Both men keeping their distance in the waning seconds of the round.

Round three. Kattar misses on an overhand right and Burgos retaliates with some body shots. AND THEN KATTAR FUCKING UNLOADS ON HIM AND FINISHES BURGOS WITH GROUND AND POUND OUTTA' NOWHERE!

It was a right uppercut that spelled the end. Looks like Kattar got about half a dozen free shots on the ground before the ref waved it off. The official time is just 32 seconds of round three. In the post-fight Kattar says "let's go Patriots, Tom Brady, TB 1-2" and that gets the loudest ovation of anything all night long.

And that's how you make New England fist chowder.

Alright, time to plug UFC 221 - a.k.a., that time the UFC had to make Yoel Romero fight Luke Rockhold for an interim title and pretend that it was worth paying $59.99 for it.

UFC LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT

Daniel Cormier (19-1-0-1) vs. Volkan Oezdemir (15-1-0-0)

Since Jon Jones doesn't know how to not do steroids and/or crack cocaine, Daniel Cormier is once again our 205-pound champion. After besting the likes of Anthony Johnson (twice), Anderson Silva, Dan Henderson and Alexander Gustafsson, he now turns his attention towards Swiss knockout specialist Volkan Oezdemir, a guy who spent about six months in Bellator before jacking off around the Euro Circuit and coming to the UFC, where he's 3-0 in the Octagon, complete with knockout wins against Misha Cirkunov and Jimi Manuwa that each lasted less than 43 seconds. So what's it gonna' be: will Cormier use his top-tier striking and impeccable ground game to drub his Swiss pretender to the throne, or will Oezdemir shock the MMA world with another facile K.O. victory? Don't blink, kids - this one could be over before we even realize it.

I'm not sure, but I think Volkan's coming out to the theme song from Game of Thrones. Cormier gets a pretty big pop - certainly the biggest any fighter's gotten so far tonight. Holy shit, has anybody ever noticed how much Cormier looks like comedian Sinbad? Trust me, once you see it, you can't unsee it. His theme music is pretty badass, though. I'll have to look it up later.

Looks like Volkan has a half foot height advantage. But Cormier DOES have the bigger penis bulge, though, if that counts for anything. Volkan throwing haymakers already. Volkan backs off and starts throwing some ranged leg kicks. Loud "let's go D.C." chants pipe up. Volkan tries to clinch and D.C. shakes him off. Volkan lands an overhand right. D.C. with some good punches up close himself. D.C. clips Volkan, but he doesn't sell it. Volkan whiffs on a head kick. D.C. stuns Volkan with a series of rights. Volkan stumbles a bit, but he doesn't go down. D.C. with another big right hand up against the cage. D.C. going for a single leg takedown and he gets it. D.C. locks in a rear naked choke and Volkan is LITERALLY saved by the bell.

Round two. Volkan's right eye is all fucked up. D.C. looking for another single leg takedown. He gets it and he's in the full mount. D.C. almost has Volkan in the crucifix mount. He has it and Volkan is in deep doo-doo. D.C. lands about 30 unanswered shots and the ref says "alright, that's enough of this shit - fight, over."

Cormier just outclassed that motherfucker in every possible way you can think of. The official time of the stoppage is 2:00 of round two. In the post-fight, D.C. immediately brings up Jon Jones and says he went into the bout thinking he was fighting for a vacant title. "I proved that I am worthy of being called champion," D.C. states. He says he's thankful to leave a little piece of himself for Volkan to take back home to Switzerland. D.C. wraps up the spiel putting over teammates Cain Velasquez and Khabib N. - the latter of whom gets damn near booed out of the building. Man - that is some 1980s WWF Ruskie heel heat right there.

Nothing like making your opponent suffocate on your own flab for the submission victory, eh?

Oh, hell, we have to pimp UFC 221 again. Well, that's my cue to hit the pisser.

UFC HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT

Stipe Miocic (17-2-0-0) vs. Francis Ngannou (11-1-0-0)

Tonight, Miocic - who has knocked out inevitable UFC Hall of Famers Mark Hunt, Andrei Arlovski, Fabricio Werdum, Alistair Overeem and Junior dos Santos in his last five fights - has an opportunity to set the new record for most consecutive defenses of the Heavyweight Championship strap. Of course, that won't be easy seeing as how his opponent, Francis Ngannou, is on a ten-fight win streak, complete with knockouts of 'Reem, Arlovski, Anthony Hamilton and Curtis Blaydes himself. Oh, and also, he literally has the hardest punch ever recorded in the history of humanity. That's a bet of a nuisance, too, I suppose. Of course, both men can punch like a Toyota Tacoma bumper to the face at 95 miles an hour, but that begs the question: if this fight ends with a highlight reel knockout, which of these two punching machines will land the decisive blow first? Hell, considering Miocic's wrestling background and Ngannou's underrated submissions skills, we might not even witness the bout ending via K.O. But yeah - the odds of this 'un ending with anything other than somebody being cardio-pulmonary resuscitated by a concerned medical staff while somebody's family weeps in the stands has to be considered negligibly low.

Ngannou comes out with the Cameroon flag over his shoulder. It's basically every color of the rainbow thrown together in random swatches. A dude who looks suspiciously like Sokoudjou is trailing him and Rogan talks about Ngannou shoveling sand for a living in his youth. Oh, and there's literally somebody dressed up like the fucking Predator in his entourage. No, for real.

Miocic walks out of the tunnel like he does not even give a fuck. He doesn't even have the belt with him. Oh, and the guy who actually performs his theme song is in the audience tonight. Surprise! He's a white guy who pretends to be black.

There are a ton of Croatian and Cameroonian flags in the crowd tonight. Ngannou has a three inch reach advantage and is 17 pounds heavier than the defending champ. Ngannou with a high kick early. Stipe crushes Ngannou against the cage. Ngannou ain't going to be able to do much in the clinch. Stipe going for a single leg takedown. Ngannou with some big overhand rights, but Stipe has great head movement. Stipe clips Ngannou. Stipe ties up Ngannou again. Ngannou throwing knees from the clinch. Ngannou just barely misses on a huge shot, and Stipe retaliates with a hard right. STIPE CLIPS HIM AND GETS THE TAKEDOWN. Stipe's in side control. Is Stipe going for an armbar? Stipe still in side control. Stipe with hammer fists from the top. Ngannou is up. MIOCIC TAGS NGANNOU AGAIN AND SLAMS HIS ASS RIGHT AT THE BELL!

Round two. Stipe has a NASTY mouse over his eye. Ngannou looks way slower. Stipe with a leg kick. Ngannou misses on a haymaker. Ngannou shakes off a takedown, but he doesn't have enough time to land any decent shots on the champ. And there's Stipe with ANOTHER takedown. Miocic is literally trying to fold Ngannou like an accordian. Rogan says if this was a video game, Ngannou's energy would be in the red right about now. Stipe with a knee to the body. Now he has Ngannou in a three-quarter nelson, of all things. Stipe locks in a choke right as the bell sounds.

Round three. Stipe with a leg kick. Stipe shooting for a single leg. He can't get it so he just clinches Ngannou against the cage. Ngannou shucks Miocic off but he's too tired to do anything so Miocic just shoves him into the cage again. Miocic lands a knee to the head. "You're looking at a very tired giant man," Rogan comments. Miocic clinches Ngannou against the cage once more. Stipe with a hard jab to the titty. Ngannou staggers Miocic with a hard right and Miocic immediately fires back with a takedown. Miocic's in side control. Stipe is just RAINING punches on Ngannou now. Miocic has 45 ground strikes compared to zero for Ngannou. Stipe literally smothers Ngannou against the cage as the round concludes.

Round four. Miocic, as expected, begins with some decent leg kicks. And Miocic ALREADY has the takedown. Miocic is in side control. Stipe is five of ten on takedowns tonight, by the way. Ngannou is all out of gas at this point. Stipe is dragging Ngannou down again. Miocic is looking for a choke. Stipe's gameplan tonight will go down as one of the most brilliant in UFC history. It's now 102-1 in favor of Stipe in terms of ground strikes. Stipe has Ngannou trapped in a keylock and Stipe is just CRUSHING him with punches. Loud "Stipe" chants throughout the arena. Miocic punches Ngannou in the liver about a billion times as the round wraps up.

Round five. Ngannou MUST finish Miocic to win this fight. Miocic with a leg kick. Miocic clinches Ngannou against the cage. Miocic with a knee to the body. Ngannou looking for a miracle guillotine, but he loses it. Miocic goes back to pancaking him against the mesh. The ref makes 'em head to the center of the cage. Two minutes left. Miocic with a leg kick. Miocic playing it super safe and keeping his distance. Ngannou misses on a jab. Thirty seconds left. Miocic pushes him against the cage, sinks in the underhooks and that ought to do it.

Let's hear from the judges. It's 50-44 across the board for Stipe. Miocic's face is swollen so bad that he sounds like Boomhauer from King of the Hill. Ngannou says he underestimated Miocic. And his face is swollen so bad that he sounds like Pootie Tang's French cousin.

See! I wasn't bullshitting you about the Predator being in Ngannou's camp.

Alright, I'll be back here first thing in the morning with a few post-show thoughts. Get some sleep, assholes, and I'll be seeing you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in just a few.

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Count me among the scores of people who would absolutely LOVE to see Stipe Miocic vs. Daniel Cormier in a super-fight next, but if that can't be arranged, there's still a couple of regular divisional attractions we could look forward to. Miocic vs. Cain Velasquez is the most desirable Heavyweight option at the moment, but if Cain is still too banged up (note: he's always too banged up) than I suppose Fabricio Werdum has probably done enough to earn himself a long-awaited rematch by mid-summer. As for Cormier, with his arch rival Jon Jones likely out of the equation for the remainder of 2018 and a dearth of new challengers at 205, it seems like a second tilt with Alexander Gustafsson is the only sensible next move. That said, don't be surprised if Cormier doesn't test the Heavyweight waters at least once before the year's up, with Alistair Overeem the most obvious candidate for an opponent. As for the losers of our co-main events? Well, who wouldn't want to see Francis Ngannou vs. Derek Lewis and Volkan Oezdemir vs. Glover Teixeira next?

THE VERDICT? Yeah, that was pretty much what we all expected. The undercard was quite underwhelming, but the top two matches each delivered in wildly different ways. Outside of watching Cormier drub Volkan and Miocic make Ngannou look like a big Cameroonian bitch, though, there aren't too many memorable moments from the show. I'd consider it a big step down from the last couple of UFC PPVs, but then again it's not like anybody was really expecting Pride 33 or anything here ...

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The first round of Miocic vs. Ngannou was fucking everything you could've wanted from a Heavyweight Championship fight.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: The Villante/Barroso fight was about as entertaining as resorting your sock drawer.

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: "Yoel Romero is the freak of freaks in the Middleweight Division" - Uncle Joe doing his damnedest to sell us all on a PPV main event nobody wants to see, made even better by him inadvertently implying Romero is a gassed up monster.

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW:

• If it's in Boston, the guy from Massachusetts always win.
• If a guy keeps jabbing you in the face at will, the most logical thing to do is intentionally back yourself into a corner so he has a shorter range to work with and you have even less capacity to defend yourself.
• Body shots aren't as effective if you leave yourself open to a Rock Em Sock Em Robots uppercut.
• "Oezdemir" is Swiss for "even Stephen Hawking has better takedown defense."
• Miocic may be a firefighter by trade, but tonight, his ruthless mauling of a young black male makes him an honorary member of the Boston police force.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "Expose Yourself To Kids" by G.G. Allin and "Baby Let's Twist" by The Dictators and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.

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LIVE Play-By-Play Coverage of UFC 198: Werdum vs. Miocic!

Our round-by-round updates from Curitiba fill you in on everything happening at UFC 198 - and without having to worry about contracting Zika, either!

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@Jimbo__X

Howdy ho, folks! We here at The Internet Is In America will provide you with LIVE, round-by-round coverage of UFC 198: Werdum vs. Miocic beginning at 10 p.m. (eastern time) on Saturday, May 14. 

Be sure to bookmark the page and reload this sumbitch as soon as the official UFC card begins for some of the best dadgum MMA commentary you'll get anywhere - plus some offhanded jokes that reference obscure things and are probably offensive. Hey, we give you your money's worth, that's for sure. 

And, oh and tell your pals and put this shit on the social media while you are at it. This totally free website with absolutely zero storage costs don't come cheap, y'know...

All right, so we will get things going early with some pre-lim action. Up first, it's Demian Maia versus Matt Brown in a welterweight clash on FS1. 

Maia shoots for a takedown. He cannot get it. He lands it. He has Brown's back, but Matt is guarding it well. Maia tries to kick Brown's legs out from under him. Maia has his hooks in. Brown finally goes down. Maia almost has a choke locked in. But Brown is doing a great job defending it. Maia rattling off a ton of punches. He has another choke attempt, but nothing working. Brown still guarding, and Maia landing some hard head shots. about 40 seconds left. Brown finally gets atop Maia. He gets a few decent shots as the round expires. 

Round two. Maia shoots for a takedown. Brown defends it. Maia looking for for a single leg takedown, and he gets it. He has Brown's back. Brown is carrying him around. Brown resting against the cage. Maia tries to snake his way under Brown's chin. Maia rattling off some shots, but they aren't hurting Brown. Maia with a body lock. Brown eats some hammer fists. Brown peels off another choke attempt. Maia with some elbow shots. Looking for an arm bar. He doesn't get it. 20-18 for Maia, easy.

Wow, all of the Brazilian fighters on tonight's card have won so far. Brown gets a solid shot on a takedown attempt and he swarms Maia. Maia weathers the storm though, and looks for a takedown. Brown with has back against the cage again. Brown looks exhausted. Maia with another takedown. Now he's looking for another choke. Maia looking for a neck crank. Brown defending, but he isn't getting anything in when it comes to offense. Maia has completely neutralized Brown. Minute left. Maia landing some illogical-soft shots. And now he has the choke in. AND HE GETS THE TAP WITH THIRTY SECONDS LEFT IN THE ROUND. 

That's Maia's fifth-consecutive victory.

Brian Stann and a nervous looking nerdy white guy translator conduct the post-fight. It is Maia's eleventh win via submission. Maia demands a title shot, naturally. Goldie and Stann do the hard sell for the PPV portion of the evening. 

Welterweight Bout

Warlley Alves (10-0-0-0) vs. Bryan Barberena (11-3-0-0)

Thanks to Anderson Silva pulling out of his fight with Uriah Hall, this interesting clash between 170-pound prospects leaped from Fox Sports 1 fare to the PPV portion of the evening. Brazilian Alves is an undefeated submission machine with one of the nastiest guillotine chokes in the business (having used it to finish off Colby Covington, Nordine Taleb and Marcio Alexandro Jr.) while Barberena (no relation to Vinny or any of the other Sweat Hogs, I am afraid), is a Californian BJJ Blue Belt who was last seen choking out highly touted kickboxer/karate specialist Sage Northcutt back in January. Considering the fighters’ pedigrees, I reckon this one ought to be one heck of a slobberknocker – or a technical clinic, at the very least. 

Alves comes out swinging hard. He gets the leg and secures a takedown. Now he's teeing off, but his opponent recovers. Barberena (let's just call him Barbie for shot) has a bit of a height advantage. Circling in the middle. Alves gets a a few nice shots off. Alves has some really good kicks. About a minute left. Barbie drops Alves with a hard leg kick. Alves clinches. Barbie ends it with a nice Muay Thai knee. A very tough to round to call, but I would give the slight edge to Alves.

Round two. Alves the aggressor. He has some very heavy hands. But he's bleeding. Bryan is proud of his "dad bod," Stann jokes. Alves keeping his distance. I guess the best way to describe Barbie is "an in shape Roy Nelson." And no, I don't know if that is a compliment or condemnation. Alves with some good jabs. Clinch. Back in the center of the cage. Barbie with some body shots and one of the shittiest flying knees you will ever see. Alves looks gassed. Nice head kick from Barbie. Hard one-two combo from Barbie. He clips Alves again. A classic 19-19 fight heading into the third and decisive round.

Ben Henderson is in Barbie's corner. Alves comes out swinging with everything he has, including some gnarly looking spin kicks that - of course, do not connect. Barbie slips, and now Alves is looking for a sub. Clinch time. Stann says the judges in Brazil won't give Barbie any dap, so he HAS to finish Alves to win it. Barbie with punches in bunches. Alves with a jumping knee. Barbie shakes it off. Two minutes to go. Alves gets clipped with about six consecutive shots. "These guys are just too tired to move out of the way," Stann comments. Alves getting pummeled, but he Barbie isn't able to finish it. Now it is just a slug fest. Alves misses on a wheel kick. The last minute is just one big related fight, with Barbie clearly getting the better of the exchanges. A tough one to score, but I'd give it 29-28 for the American.

Let's go to the judges, why don't we? It is 29-28 across the board for Barbie. He has won nine out of his last 10 fights now. He thanks MMA Lab, his wife and his children, and Brazil weeps. 

Jose Aldo is in the house. But he is not fighting tonight, duh. 

Yep. British commercials are much better than the ones we have here in the States. And holy shit, they even give us warnings that the program is violent before the fights start streaming! 

Light Heavyweight Bout

Mauricio Rua (23-10-0-0) vs. Corey Anderson (8-1-0-0)

Ah, it’s the old “time-tested veteran versus cagey up-and-comer chestnut.” At this point, there’s not a whole lot more that can be said about Shogun, a sure-fire Hall of Famer in the twilight of his career who enters the bout having lost three out of his last five fights. His opponent is 26-year-old Illini Corey Anderson, who has just one professional loss on his record and was last seen beating Tom Lawlor like a used bongo at UFC 196. Logic would dictate that Anderson should have no problem dispatching his older, more beaten-down adversary, but then again, the former Light Heavyweight champ sure does have the home field advantage heading into this one…

Rua wearing his classic ball huggers, as always. Rua keeping his distance with leg kicks. Rua with a nice uppercut. Rua almost slips. Rua with an overhand right. Anderson still dancing. Rua goes for a takedown, but slips and Anderson lands a ton of free shots. Now Anderson has him smothered against the cage, looking for a takedown. Anderson jabbing like crazy now. Rua still thowing leg kicks. Head kick attempts from Anderson. Anderson with more hits. He gets a body shot, but Rua recovers. Shogun ROCKS Anderson and swarms him! Holy shit, if the fight would have went on two more seconds, it would have been stopped. Talk about being saved by the bell!

Round two. It's a brawl early. Anderson tagging Rua with leg kicks and hard body shots. And he gets a takedown. Anderson on top, hammering Rua. Shogun back up, though. Anderson crushing Rua up against the cage. Anderson looking for another takedown. Rua getting some good shots now. Anderson doing a pretty good job avoiding Rua's strikes. Anderson gets another takedown, but Rua is right back up. And son of a bitch, Rua drops Anderson again and almost finishes him off with ground and pound at the tail end of this round, too! 

Anderson with a big left, but it doesn't connect. Anderson with another takedown attempt. He gets it. Anderson in the half-guard. Anderson looking to get Rua's back, and Shogun escapes. Two minutes to go. Anderson looking for another takedown. And he gets it. But Rua is right back up. Knees from Anderson, and he gets takedown number five. Ten seconds to go, and Anderson shoots for a takedown he can't land. It is Anderson's round, easy, but I think Rua did enough to win rounds one and two. 29-28 for Shogun in my books.

And it's a 29-28 split decision for Shogun. The surprising thing is that at least one judge had the forthrightness to give the bout to Anderson!

Catchweight Bout

Cris Cyborg (15-1-0-1) vs. Leslie Smith (8-6-1-0)

Well, the booking here is pretty straightforward. The UFC brass has been trying to get Cyborg on the payroll for years now, with the hopes of setting up a mega-super-duper fight against Ronda Rousey that would make infinity and one dollars in PPV monies. Of course, “Rowdy” getting drubbed in Australia a few months back put a little wrinkle in the plan, but it’s clear that the UFC still has lots invested in that other Strikeforce women’s championships belt holder. Down Brazil way, the undefeated Invicta champ tests her mettle against Leslie “The Peacemaker” Smith, who has a barely above .500 pro fight record and has looked downright atrocious in lackluster losses to the likes of Sarah Kaufman and Jessica Eye. On paper at least, it seems like this fight is hardly anything more than a warm-up bout for the latest, greatest XX-chromosomal import under the Zuffa banner, but hey - strange things always seem to happen whenever the UFC throws PPVs in the Southern Hemisphere, you know…

Huh. Did you know that Bellator ran a show earlier tonight? Interestingly enough, it featured Mr. Cris Cyborg, Evagelista Cyborg, too (he lost, in case you were wondering.) Cris (a 1,400 point favorite!) gets the blackout treatment for her entrance. And holy shit, is she the palest looking Brazilian person I have ever seen. Also: that has to be the longest entrance to the Octagon ever - hell, if it was any longer, they would have to use those old motorized "ring carts" like the ones they used at WrestleMania 3. 

Cyborg with some nice jabs already. And she drops Smith. Here come the hammer firsts - and yeah, Smith is fucked. As expected, Cyborg wins it early by TKO. 

The official time? 1:21 of the very first round. She said she wants to keep fighting in Invicta, but she is not opposed to doing a few more Catchweight bouts in the UFC. Hmm ... I wonder where this little partnership will wind up?

With 45,000 people in attendance, tonight is the third most heavily attended UFC show ever. Have some paid content from Harley Davidson, and we will see you back here in just a bit. 

Middleweight Bout

Ronaldo Souza (22-4-0-1) vs. Vitor Belfort (25-11-0-0)

Now this one ought to be interesting. Former Strikeforce Middleweight Champion Ronaldo “Jacare” Souza is 5-1 in UFC competition, his sole loss coming at the hands of Yoel Romero last December. A skilled BJJ specialist who has submitted Robbie Lawler and Gegard Mousasi, Jacare has also proven his prowess at the standing game, having knocked out the likes of Yushin Okami and Derek Brunson. “The Phenom,” at the age of 39, has had mixed success as of late, finishing Michael Bisping, Luke Rockhold and Dan Henderson (twice), but he has also had his ass handed to him by guys like Anderson Silva, Jon Jones and, most recently, Chris Weidman. So we’ve got two highly-skilled Brazilians – both of whom have demonstrated supreme knockout and submission ability – duking it out in their home nation with a probable 185-pound-strap shot on the line. Yeah, this ought to be some great stuff, indeed.

How weird is it that here we are at UFC 198, and there is STILL a dude who fought at UFC 12 on the roster? Belfast rocking the Mohawk. Jacare is looking for a takedown. Belfort spins out. Souza has Belfort's ankle. Now he is on top. Belfort eating some elbows. Souza landing some big shots, and Belfort is bleeding badly. Ref momentarily stops it to get Vitor's eye checked out. Belfort scrambles out of Jacare's clinch. Souza gets a takedown, and now he is in the full mount. Ground and pound time, and Belfort is in deep trouble. Belfort barely hanging in there. He stops defending himself, and the ref waives it off. Your winner by TKO - and presumably the next in line for a shot at the 185 pound title - Ronaldo Souza! 

The official time is 4:38 of round one. It's his ninth win in his 10 last fights. Jacare says he deserves a title shot, and he's going to finish Rockhold in a hypothetical rematch. Speaking of, how about a hard sell for UFC 199, featuring Luke Rockhold defending his Middleweight Championship against Chris Weidman?

And after that ... it is time to pimp the hell out of tonight's main event. 

UFC Heavyweight Championship Bout

Fabricio Werdum (20-5-1-0) vs. Stipe Miocic (14-2-0-0)

Well, what more can be said about Werdum? The 38-year-old reigning Heavyweight champ hasn’t lost a bout since 2012, having knocked off Big Nog, Mark Hunt, Travis Browne and most recently – and perhaps most impressively – ex title-holder Cain Velasquez in Mexico City. In his first bout in almost a year, the man who effectively “ended” the Fedor Mystique turns his attention toward Stipe Miocic, an Ohioan Croat with just two pro career losses who was last seen beating Andrei Arlovski into a momentary coma at UFC 195. So yeah, it’s pretty much strategic technique versus brute force awaiting us here, which should definitely provide an entertaining narrative for a five round championship tilt.

Miocic comes out to some Chav-sounding noise. And Werdum comes out making THAT hideous meme-face and what sounds like uplifting music out of a telenovela. Oh, and he is carrying an Aytron Senna banner, which reminds me of that one game on the Genesis that fucking rules. So, uh, why is the cut man wearing a paper cut-out mask? And who is it supposed to be a paper cut-out of? And shoot me now, Werdum will not STOP making that stupid face of his.

Werdum with some leg kicks to begin round one. Miocic whiffing on some punches. Hard combination from Werdum has Miocic back pedaling. Miocic punching back. Werdum gets a hard hit, Miocic tags him on the counter-punch, they are both swinging like apes AND MIOCIC KNOCKS WERDUM OUT COLD!

Miocic leaps over the cage after the ref waives it off, screaming "I'm a world champ!" The decisive right hand blow came at 2:47 in the very first round. 

It is a good thing Miocic has knockout power, because his voice - the dude must gargle with charcoal - is about as radio friendly as an exploding toaster. Alas, he does give us one of the greatest LOL moments in recent MMA history, when he concludes his post-fight by exclaiming "Cleveland, we finally got a world champion!" 

And like that, the myth of Fabricio Werdum is over and done with. Long live the reign of Stipe "The Pride of Cleveland" Miocic! 

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