LIVE(ish) Round-By-Round Coverage of UFC 241: Cormier vs. Miocic 2!

Can’t catch tonight’s latest and greatest PPV spectacular, for whatever reason? No problem, Holmes — our ongoing play-by-play will keep you abreast of the MMA action ALL NIGHT LONG.

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Live Round-By-Round Coverage of UFC 202: Diaz vs. McGregor 2!

Keep refreshin' that browser folks ... we're going to keep you keyed into the most anticipated rematch of the year (and the undercard bouts, frankly, you couldn't give less of a damn about) all night long.

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@Jimbo__X

This is what we sometimes like to call "the MMA re-do." You see, back in March, million-dollar UFC posterboy Conor McGregor was supposed to fight Rafael dos Anjos in a fight that would've possibly made him the first person in UFC history to hold two belts in two weight classes simultaneously. Alas, things went awry and dos Anjos pulled out of the bout just days before the PPV, so Dana White and company instead whipped together a 170 pound catchweight main event with McGregor moving up three weight classes to go toe-to-toe with Nate "I Try When I Want To" Diaz. The rest, as they say (who is "they," by the way?) is history: after McGregor drubbed Diaz for the first five minutes, he gassed hard, allowing Diaz the opportunity to start landing fist-burgers of his own before reversing Conor's ill-advised takedown attempt late in the second round into a rather-easy-looking rear naked choke submission victory. 

Needless to say, that is not the outcome the UFC wanted, nor probably expected. Their big breakout star was supposed to mop the cage with the younger Diaz, but oops, he got choked out instead. Even now, if you press your ear hard enough to the Western wind, you can hear the Fertitas lamenting just how much fucking money that fight cost them in the long haul. So what we got here at UFC 202 out in Las Vegas is a highly touted rematch, not cobbled together with hours to go before the PPV proper begins, but with ample time for both competitors to get their camps together and adequately prepare to do battle with one another. That first fight, the narrative goes, was a fluke. Now that both men had the time and the resources to get their shit together, whoever wins will definitely be considered the better overall fighter, and ain't no excuses going to cut it. 

So yeah, there is a lot of hype behind the main event at UFC 202, and considering the dynamic fighting styles of the headliners, we very well could have ourselves a war for the ages. Granted, the undercard isn't exactly the pinnacle of mixed martial arts, but we've still got Donald Cerrone and Anthony Johnson fighting, which usually means somebody is about to get hit in the head really, really hard regardless. Anyhoo, be sure to bookmark this page, as we'll begin our patented, one-of-a-kind, industry-standard-setting round-by-round coverage at 10 p.m., New York City time. And we ain't bullshitting about hitting the refresh button - this here blog is going to be updated faster than a Demetrious Johnson uppercut, with keen analysis and lighting-quick results posted before the blood even has time to dry on the canvas. 

And we are coming to you LIVE from the new hockey arena out in Vegas. As always, our hosts are Mike Goldberg (sporting a stupid Ryan Seacrest spiked hair gel unicorn hairdo) and Joe Rogan (who is sans hair, of any variety.)  

Rogan recounts the weigh-in shenanigans over the week, when McGregor tossed water bottles at Diaz. He says Conor's trash talk has no effect on Nate, because growing up with Nick made him naturally immune. No, really. 

Welterweight Bout

Tim Means (25-7-1-0) vs. Sabah Homasi (11-5-0-0)

Yes, the Sabah "The Punisher" Homasi is being featured on a PPV card people are expected to pay money to witness. If you're not familiar with Homasi or his opponent, long-time journeyman Tim Means, you don't need too much background, I reckon. Homasi was on TUF 21 and had literally one fight in Strikeforce, went 1-1 in Bellator and has largely been dicking around in the minor, minor leagues for the last two years. Means, on the other hand, has been fighting professionally since 2004, with notable UFC victories over such illustrious competitors as George Sullivan and Dhiego Lima. But, hey you never know: with the spotlight on them, they might just surprise all of us and roll out something that doesn't resemble wholly interchangeable, Fox Sports 1-caliber prelim ennui. Like I said, though, maybe.

Homasi comes out to "Without Me" but Eminem. Now Goldberg is telling us his nickname is "The Problem" and not "The Punisher." Means comes out to some slow-ass hip-hop song that sounds like either DMX or Ja Rule. Good to see neither of these guys are keen on rap music made after the year 2002, anyway. Oh, and this match is brought to you by the new movie Hands of Stone. Shit, how many boxing-related movies is Robert de Niro going to star in? 

Homasi with a good jab early. Means responds with a hard shot of his own. Sabah pushed up against the cage. He evades some hard throws from Means. Sabah back pedals. Means with a knee and Sabah responds with a takedown. Means scrambling. He's back up. Means pushing forward. Now he's working for a takedown from the clinch. Sabah connects with a few. Means tags him with a knee. Sabah backed up against the cage again. He shoots for a takedown and he gets it. Means pounding Sabah with hard elbow shots on the ground. He's back up. Sabah misses on a head kick. Means with another hard knee. Sabah bleeding like a stuck pig now. Sabah with an uppercut and Means lands a quick jab in response. Means with another nasty elbow strike. Sabah whiffs on a spin kick. Means almost connects on a spinning elbow. Another elbow from Means. A quick exchange as the bell sounds. I've got it 10-9 for Means.

Round 2. Sabah looks gassed as fuck. Means with a high kick. Sabah getting chased down. Means with a good combo. He backs off. Sabah bleeding like crazy again. Another one-two combo from Means. Sabah with a body kick. Means responds with some brutal elbow shots to the midsection. Sabah pressed against the cage. He rattles off several knees and some nasty elbows. He takes his foot of the gas again, presses Sabah to the cage and rattles off another series of beautiful jabs. He rattles off about five or six left-right combinations and Herb Dean says "that's it, folks."

Means is declared winner by TKO at 2:56 of the second round. In the post fight, Rogan brings up the fact the Means tested positive for some banned substances and even though he won, he should probably still feel bad about all that shit he did back in the day. Anyway, "The Dirty Bird" absolutely outclassed Homasi tonight, who in hindsight, probably never should have been booked for the bout in the first place. 

Welterweight Bout

Hyun Gyu Lim (13-5-1-0) vs. Mike Perry (6-0-0-0)

Lim is a veteran South Korean slugger whose biggest wins under the (former) Zuffa banner have been over the likes of Pascal Krauss and Takenori Sato, or as they are more commonly referred to, "I don't know who that first guy is" and "seriously, who the fuck is he supposed to be?" Perry is a 24-year-old organization newcomer, who is currently undefeated, having knocked out all half a dozen competitors before him while earning a paycheck scrapping in organizations with names like Square Ring Promotions and Florida Championship Fighting. So, all that to say ... I have no idea what the hell to expect out of this one. 

Perry comes out to ... rap? Of some kind? In a first, the examiners outside the Octagon scold him for having fingernails that are too long, so he has to chew them off before he gets into the cage. Lim comes out to something that also sounds like "the rap music," but I have no idea who. Or what. 

Lim, at 6'3' absolutely towers over Perry. Perry with a hard shot, and then he trips. He's back up. Perry is literally having to jump up to aim for Lim's head. This is like watching a DREAM FC fight from 2008 or something. As soon as I type that, of course Perry drops his giant ass with a hard shot. Now Perry has Lim in the crucifix mount and he's getting hit a million billion times, but somehow, he snakes out. Then Perry rocks him AGAIN! Perry dropping more bombs from the top. Perry grinding Lim out from the ground. Lim, somehow, is back up and Perry drops him AGAIN! All right, the ref has to stop this shit, and he does. Whew, that was like watching Little Mac knockout Great Tiger in Punch-Out!!

Perry is declared the winner by TKO at 3:38 of the very first round. Even better, the dude sounds JUST like Riff-Raff in his post-fight interview with Rogan.

Dwight Howard of the Atlanta Hawks is booed, while Demetrious Johnson and Dominick Cruz receive heavy cheers. Oh, time for a promo for UFC 205 in MSG - will a main event, or really ANY match, finally be announced? As it turns out ... no, no it will not. But hey, UFC 206 will be in Toronto, with the big New Year's Eve show set for Dec. 30 in Vegas, so I guess that's something news worthy. 

Welterweight Bout

Rick Story (19-8-0-0) vs. Donald Cerrone (30-7-0-1)

Hey, lookee here, a fight not only featuring people we've heard of before, but actually want to see in the Octagon! Rick Story is a guy that's been in the UFC since 2009, but there's not really a name for what kind of fighter he's supposed to be. He's not really marketable enough to be considered a gatekeeper, but he nonetheless manages to win enough to keep from falling into irrelevancy. Currently on a three-fight winning streak, he's set to tango with Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone, the longtime WEC holdover who's probably best known for fighting anyone, anywhere, for any reason, at any weight class (remember, this is the dude who fought five times in 2011 - and oh yeah, he won every last one of them.) Cowboy enters this one having gone 10-1 in his last eleven fights, complete with back-to-back victories over Patrick Cote and Alex Oliveira. With Cerrone still getting a feeling for the 170-pound division, this could actually prove an interesting little contest - with a very high probability of someone getting their gourd slapped off their neck, of course.  

Cerrone comes out to Kid Rock's "Cowboy," as always. Meanwhile, Story comes out to what sounds like a crappy post-"St. Anger" Metallica song - well, that, or some random nu-metal track you probably would've heard inside a titty bar at 3 p.m. on a Wednesday in 2008.

The two trade heavy hands right out the gate. Story appears to be the quicker man, but Cerrone quickly lands a takedown. Story is vertical, and he bullies Cerrone up against the cage. He gets a leg sweep and Cerrone goes down. But oh shit, Cerrone almost has an omoplata, then a triangle, sunk in. Story survives, then temporarily has Cerrone's back. He gets some hard knees in, but nothing too substantial. Cerrone back up, and the two are swinging again. Cerrone with a hard knee, Story with a kick to the midsection. Cerrone with a jab and a leg kick combo. Story whiffs on a high kick. Cerrone tags Story about four or five times, but Story doesn't go down. Cerrone rattles off two more hard shots that stagger Story before the bell sounds. 10-9 for Cerrone. 

Round two. Cerrone connects on a light head kick. He stuffs a takedown attempt by Story. Cerrone with another hard jab. And Cowboy gets another heavy one-two combo in. Cerrone with more leg kicks. Story gets tagged with a hard midsection shot and Cerrone swarms him with knees, kicks and heavy jabs. Story is down, Cerrone is hammering him and the ref waves it off. 

Cerrone is declared the winner by TKO at 2:02 in the second round. He dons the ceremonial ten gallon hat and can of Monster in the post-fight. He says he wants to drop down to 155 and challenge Eddie Alvarez for the Lightweight title in New York. Well shit, I'd like to see that.

David Spade and Daniel Cormier are both in the house. But unfortunately, not for a remake of Tommy Boy, as we had all hoped.

And time for the hard sell for our co-main event. 

Light Heavyweight Bout

Anthony Johnson (21-5-0-0) vs. Glover Teixeira (25-4-0-0)

Good old Rumble. The MMA vet always brings the ruckus, but usually at the expense of half his purse because the dude just can't avoid the twinkies and Burger King during weight cuts. Regardless of Johnson's inability to meet the appropriate poundage ahead of contests, he's nonetheless one bad motherfucker, having last been seen punching Ryan Bader so hard he undoubtedly forgot half the color wheel. That said, Brazilian slugger Glover T. ain't exactly a slouch, neither, as apparent by his three fight win streak, complete with impressive victories over OSP, Patrick Cummins and whatever was left of Rashad Evans' career. If nothing else, it should be a pretty intriguing stylistic match-up, with the close range "kill 'em on their feet" Johnson testing his meat and potatoes up against Teixeira's more ground and pound, submission-centric attack. Also, neither of these guys have a deep gas tank, so if this thing makes it to three rounds ... it probably ain't going to be pretty. 

Glover out to some rappity stuff that's probably in Portuguese because he's Brazilian and stuff. "He's like the Rocky of Danbury, Connecticut," Mike Goldberg says. Rumble also comes out to hip hop, and Rogan calls him the "poster boy for not cutting weight." Uh, sure you don't mean "poster boy for not making weight," Joe?

Both men swinging for the fences early. And Rumble rears back and murder-death-kills Glover with one hit. Holy shit. 

Johnson put Glover to sleep with a SATANIC uppercut just 13 seconds into round one. Glover was so out of it that when he came to, he tried to take down the referee. Johnson calls out Cormier after the fight and admonishes the fans for booing the Light Heavyweight champ. Also, it just dawns on me - Rumble look JUST like Mad TV cast member Aries Spears. 

Joe and Goldie pimp the Mickey Gall\CM Punk fight at UFC 203. Oh shit, they are doing a full fledged FS1 show about Punk's transition from 'rasslin to Ultimate Fighting. And hey, who wants them some Hands of Stone clips ahead of the main event! Speaking of the main event, let's watch one more hype video for it, why don't we?

Welterweight Bout

Nate Diaz (20-10-0-0) vs. Conor McGregor (19-3-0-0)

Well, does this one even need anymore hype? We all recall what happened the first time around (and if you don't, the UFC is screening it for free on their official YouTube channel), and now that both competitors have had time to assemble a full fight camp, we're all wondering: will all that extra prep time equal a totally different outcome from part uno? Yeah, this one doesn't really need in master salesman pitches to get you interested: it's arguably the most popular fighter in the world getting a second opportunity to redeem himself against of the most entertaining scrappers in all of MMA. Shit, even a naturally loquacious motherfucker like me understands you don't need to say much more than that: and with that in mind, howzabout we mosey on over to the cage and settle this shit on the mat instead of guesstimating what we think's going to happen on paper?  

McGregor out first to a mash-up of the theme song from Outlander (that is what that is, isn't it?) and Biggie Smalls. He gets a huge reaction initially, but it isn't as big as it has been at previous PPVs. Nate Diaz gets the first lights out treatment of the night. And of course, since Conor came out to Biggie, he HAS to come out to Tupac. So fucking perfect, right there. 

LOL at how Bruce Buffer refers to Diaz as the winner of TUF5. Leg kicks from Conor to begin. Diaz whiffs on a head kick. More Conor leg kicks. Loud "USA" chants. Diaz with a jab. More Conor leg kicks. Diaz not even bothering to check them. Conor keeps kicking. Diaz looking for some low body shots. Conor tags Diaz hard. DIAZ IS DOWN! He lets him back up. Diaz with a jab. "Ole" chants now. Conor very methodical. Diaz's face looks puffy. Conor with a good combo. Diaz looks like he is having difficulty moving forward. More leg kicks from Conor. Another hard counter shot from Conor. Another hard leg kick. Diaz really light on his lead foot now. Diaz misses on a haymaker. Conor just carving up Diaz's legs like he was 2009 Jose Aldo or something. Diaz with a shitty spin kick that doesn't even come close to landing. Conor with another hard jab as the bell sounds. 10-9 for Conor.

Round two. Diaz has a swollen face and McGregor is practically unblemished. More McGregor leg kicks. DIAZ DOWN AGAIN! McGregor lets Diaz up again. Conor drops Diaz AGAIN! Diaz back up, but he is a bloody mess. More Conor leg kicks. Diaz whiffing on his jabs. Hard uppercut to the midsection by Conor. Conor just putting on a counter-punching clinic now. Another hard leg kick. Diaz trying to chase Conor down. Diaz finally starting to land. Now MCGregor is staggered. Diaz unloading in the corner. Now it is a slugfest with thirty seconds left. A hard one to call ... maybe 10-9 for Diaz?

Round three. Is Conor gassing? Now Diaz pushing the action. Diaz rocks him and now we've got a clinch up against the cage. No dice on a Diaz takedown. Loud "Diaz" chants. Diaz gets staggered by a Conor shot. And another hard counter left from Conor. McGregor whiffs on a spin kick. Diaz in a clinch against the cage and looking for a takedown. More Conor leg kicks. Hard shot from Conor. Conor counters with a left. Minute left. Diaz with a one-two combo. He follows with a clinch. Diaz unloading up against the cage. Thirty seconds to go. Ten seconds. Conor survives, but just barely. Easy 10-9 round for Diaz.

Round four. Conor is bruised and Nate is still bleeding. More hard Conor leg kicks. Diaz bleeding heavily under his eye. Slower pace from both men. Diaz may be having difficulty seeing with so much Crimson running down his face. Conor with a good combo. Diaz with a clinch against the cage. Conor shakes off the takedown attempt. Diaz with knees to the midsection. Diaz with slow punches to the stomach of Conor. Diaz leading in total strikes at the moment. Two minutes to go. Conor flips the clinch around. Ole chant now. McGregor with a solid combo and a nice counter. Minute to go. Both dudes looked gassed as fuck. Conor pops Diaz hard twice. Twenty seconds left.  Diaz goes for a head kick and falls flat on his ass to end the round. 10-9 for Conor, for sure.

Round five - whoever wins this round WINS IT ALL. Crowd boos as Conor runs away from Diaz. Both men trading. Conor gets nothing on a flying knee attempt. Clinch against the cage. Conor has Nate's back. Diaz bleeding heavily again. Ole chants again. Another clinch against the cage. Diaz cannot get the takedown. Great defense from Conor here. Diaz with some slaps. Conor moves out of the way and Diaz flips him off. Good combo from Conor. Diaz looking for another takedown. Diaz with a big elbow. Two minutes left. Clinch against the cage, redux. Diaz just cannot get the double leg. One minute left. Conor has Diaz's back. AND CONOR GETS A TAKEDOWN! Thirty seconds left. Both men back up. Clinch with Diaz driving. Ten seconds left. Diaz FINALLY GETS the takedown as the bell sounds. 10-9 for McGregor, maybe?

McGregor definitely had rounds 1 and 4. Diaz definitely had round 3. Round 2 and Round 5 are a toss-up. Let's hear what the judges say, why don't we? It's 48-47 for McGregor, 47-47 and 48-47 for Conor McGregor. "Surprise, surprise, motherfucker, the king is back," Conor declares. McGregor says he would fight Diaz again, but only if the fight is at 155. "They can't have a motherfucker like me winning in this sport," Diaz says. "Good job, McGregor, but we're going for three." Adding to the overall "holy shit"-ness of the fight, McGregor says he fought most of it with a broken foot. 

In the post-post-fight, Rogan asks McGregor to vacate the 145-pound belt, says he doesn't know if Glover spit out a tooth after getting knocked out by Johnson and breaks "news" that Jon Jones' suspension may not be as long as expected. 

Well,  that more than lived up to the hype. That's my pick for 2016 fight of the year right there, and from start to finish, that was the most satisfying PPV I've seen since the all-heavyweight meat truck explosion that was UFC 146. Sucks to be you if you didn't catch this one live, that's all I can say. 

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The Rocktagon Recap of UFC on Fox: Henderson vs. Melendez!

Featuring ex-junkies kicking their habits by kicking some ass, Strikeforce imports looking kinda’ impressive (sorta’) in their UFC debuts and arguably the most out of place wedding proposal EVER!

Another night, another deep-dish pesto pizza, and another UFC on Fox card. Anybody that can complain about a Saturday evening of the like is a soulless abomination, I say.

We are coming to you LIVE from the lovely Chicago Pizza and Sports Grille, which, despite the nomenclature, isn’t anywhere close to being in Chicago, while tonight’s UFC shebang is emanating from the HP Pavilion in San Jose, Calif. And seeing as how the venue is the old stomping ground for Strikeforce, I guess it’s probably more than mere circumstance that all four of tonight’s primetime bouts feature former Scott Coker-paid (maybe?) employees.

Anyhoo, enough jibber-jabber, no? Crank up that one Taylor Swift song that keeps getting played every five seconds, grab a somewhat frosty cup of Mr. Pibb, and get ready to RUMBLE as we embark upon the Rocktagon Recap of UFC on Fox: Henderson vs. Melendez!

Welterweight Bout

Matt Brown vs. Jordan Mein

Brown -- whom I must eternally acknowledge as former heroin user that hails from the same Ohio town where “Gummo” was filmed -- is on a four fight tear, chalking up a quartet of Octagon victories in 2012, including three via stoppage. Mein, a Strikeforce import, has won three in a row, including a pretty nasty ass kicking of Dan Miller just a month ago. To give you an idea just how stacked the UFC’s welterweight division is right now, the winner of this bout probably isn’t even a top ten contender within the weight class. And also, there will probably be a knockout or a really gross-looking submission in this one, at some point.

A downright awesome first round here, with Brown and Mein going back and forth like Wayne LaPierre’s stance on guns in schools over the last decade or so. Among the highlights of the first five here? Brown getting really pissed of because Mein kept backpedaling, Brown dropping his foe with a solid uppercut, Mein responding by dropping Brown with a body blow, Mein ALMOST pounding out Brown with like two minutes to go and Brown ALMOST sinking in a triangle with about a minute left. So yeah, as stated earlier: an AWESOME first round.

Crowd is super pumped for round two. Brown comes out blazing (sorta’ fitting, I guess, since it IS 4/20 after all), and manages to secure a takedown. Mein is now a bloody mess, doing his best turtle impersonation (but not as good as this turtle impersonation, of course), and the ref jumps in while Brown elbows his opponent’s kidneys into aquarium gravel. That’s five wins in a row for Brown, who MIGHT have just earned a top ten placement in the welterweight division following tonight’s impressive showing. Like I said, “MIGHT have,” though.

Mike Goldberg has a phone call with Ronda Rousey. Meanwhile, the Brooklyn Nets beat up on the Chicago Bulls, while the Pittsburgh Pirates give the resurgent Atlanta Braves one of their first losses of the season. Still waiting for our deep dish, Chicago-style, red pesto, shrimp-feta-pineapple-and-spinach pizza, too.

Lightweight Bout

Nate Diaz vs. Josh Thomson 

About a year ago, Nate Diaz looked like he was on path to a facile Lightweight Championship reign in the UFC. After vanquishing Takanori Gomi, Donald Cerrone and Jim Miller, he went toe-to-toe with ex-WEC standout Benson Henderson (who, as it turned out, is basically a browner, mildly skinnier version of GSP), and…well, the outcomes weren’t all that positive for Senor Diaz. His opponent this evening -- journeyman Josh Thomson (who has spent time in both the UFC and Pride before becoming a Strikeforce stalwart) is probably best known for his trilogy of fights against Gilbert Melendez, which concluded with a rubber match last May that many folks consider to have entailed a gift bag victory for “El Nino” (who, wouldn’t you know it, is making his grand UFC debut later this evening.) Needless to say, to remain relevant in a glutted Lightweight market, both of these dudes need victories, and direly.

Diaz a huge favorite in this one. My GF makes the observation that, most of the time, the dude that tries to make the meanest face before a fight is generally the dude that ends up losing. And like that, I have myself an all new match-picking system. Thomson the aggressor early, throwing some low kicks and then thwomping Diaz right upside the head with a head kick that he never saw coming. To be fair, it didn’t take Diaz down, but still. Diaz with a takedown, and we do some cage-side clinching. Thomson getting the better shots, when he’s not readjusting his hairdo. Alternate match picking protocol: whoever has the nicest haircut is usually the fighter that picks up the “W.” Thomson with a takedown, some vicious ground and pound, and the first round is over.

Diaz begins the second with a nice ball shot, so time out for Thomson to find where his testes are. Classic Diaz, as he drops the arms and starts the mess talking. Thomson gets a few shots in, and Diaz with a takedown. Diaz looking for a guillotine, but Thomson is landing some effective defensive elbows. Things get vertical, and Thomson ROCKS Diaz with another head kick. Diaz gets grounded, and Thomson is just unloading on him. The ref waves it off, and just like that, Thomson is all of a sudden a relevant force in the UFC’s lightweight division.

Some stuff about Cain Velasquez. Nobody really cares. Urijah Faber is in the house. Even fewer people care.

Oh, by the way, our pizza finally got wheeled out. If your local pizza place has a dish that looks this beautiful, please feel free to e-mail me a few snapshots, and I may drop by your hometown, you know, just because and stuff.

Heavyweight Bout

Frank Mir vs. Daniel Cormier

Daniel Cormier -- the unlikely alternate-turned-Strikeforce-Heavyweight-Grand-Prix-Champion -- has certainly chalked up an impressive record heading into his big UFC debut. Since going pro in 2009, Cormier -- who, if not in style, surely in physique, has earned the moniker of “Black Fedor” -- has gone 11-0, which includes victories over Josh Barnett and Bigfoot Silva. The highly touted heavyweight (who has gone on record as saying that he ain’t fighting Cain Velasquez and made his intents to pursue the Light Heavyweight strap instead rather clear) enters the Octagon for the first time opposite Frank Mir, the longtime heavyweight titan that hasn’t fought in almost a year (the less said about his lackluster showing against Junior dos Santos, the better). Cormier is considered a heavy favorite in some circles, but seeing as how Mir’s career has been resurrected from the dead more times than the protagonist of “Altered Beast,” there might just be a heavyweight upset in our midst this evening.

Ooo boy, this match, to quote the great James Ross, was “bowling shoe ugly.” I could give you a thorough, three round re-cap, but more or less, this was what the fight consisted of, for fifteen solid minutes: Mir throwing something, Cormier moving out of the way, grabbing Mir, pushing him against the cage, and lobbing pancake slaps on his chest while Mir was immobilized. Like I said, for fifteen minutes. Trust me, it was a lot more boring than it sounded -- probably the worst fight Mir has had since that Cro-Cop debacle from 2010, and mayhap the least eventful, big-time heavyweight throw down since THAT Werdum/Overeem bout from 2011. Cormier wins a decision, but considering how bad the fight was, I don’t think it’s going to necessarily earn him a legion of fans, either.

Brian Stann (whose head is about the size of a fax machine) and Chael Sonnen doing color commentary. A few spots run for UFC 159...aka, Chael Sonnen’s upcoming public lobotomy at the hands of Jon Jones.

UFC Lightweight Championship Bout

Benson Henderson (Champion) vs. Gilbert Melendez (Contender)

For all intents and purposes, this bout is an “unofficial” unification bout, which more or less merges the UFC and Strikeforce Lightweight Championships into a single belt. There’s really not a whole lot that can be said about current UFC title-holder Ben Henderson, who is undefeated since joining the organization in 2011 (outside of the fact that he may or may not have fought Nate Diaz while chewing on a toothpick throughout the duration of the contest, of course.) Currently riding a seven fight win streak, Gilbert Melendez (Strikeforce Lightweight strap holder since Dec. 2009, in case you were wondering) makes his UFC debut this evening, having chalked up recent victories against the likes of Shinya Aoki and Jorge Masvidal en route to tonight’s championship showdown. And also, he starred in a commercial for that one EA MMA game that was kinda’ awesome, made even more awesome by the fact that Paul Heyman is the dude doing the voiceover in it.

Melendez over huge with the San Jose faithful, while Henderson gets booed like crazy. Henderson playing it very conservatively; he tags Melendez, but Gilbert (I wonder what’s eating him?) rebounds instantly. Melendez with a takedown, and some clinching follows suit. Another takedown by Gil, but Henderson is definitely doing some damage with those leg kicks. Melendez drops Henderson as soon as the round expires. Probably Gilbert’s round.

Round two, and the strategies here become apparent: Melendez keeps pushing with the punches, and Henderson tries to keep his foe at bay with low kicks (so, in other words, it’s a real life game of “Virtua Fighter 4” going on.) Gil’s legs are visibly bruised up; Henderson gets a nice shot in, but he can’t secure the takedown. 19-19, even on my scorecard.

The Shark Tank fans are definitely behind El Nino tonight. Henderson puts Melendez down with a low kick. Henderson with some nice follow-up punches, and a takedown. Melendez back up, and it’s swing city up in this. A nice bop on the nose, and Henderson is bleeding. Henderson with a leg sweep, and he concludes the round, atop Melendez, pounding like crazy. 29-28, for the defending champ.

More rights from Melendez and more low kicks from Henderson as the Championship rounds begin. Melendez blocks a takedown. Henderson with some more kicks, and another sweep. Henderson working Gil’s back, but no dice. The two trade paint for awhile, and Henderson says “eff this” and goes back to the low-kick strategy. Henderson decides to play Gil’s game, and lands some solid punches as the round concludes. 39-37 for Henderson.

A close fight, but I think Melendez will have to utterly annihilate Henderson here in the fifth to stand any chance of securing even a split decision victory. Melendez still pushing forward with the jabs, but Henderson keeps him distant with the leg kicks. Two minutes to go, and both dudes are employing rather conservative approaches, surprisingly. Melendez probably lands more straight shots in the decisive round, but it’s definitely not enough to win him the fight. I give it 49-48 to Henderson.

Two judges in San Jose score it 48-47 for Henderson, giving the UFC Lightweight Champ a narrow split decision victory. Personally, I didn’t think it was anywhere near that close, but it was still a pretty entertaining fight. The fans booed the hell out of the decision. In the post-fight interview, Henderson (who is without question what Willow Smith will look like when he’s thirty) decides to propose to his long-term girlfriend, which provokes even louder boos than the decision. So, just to stir the pot a little,: heterosexual love = lame, homoerotic violence = awesome.

SO WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? The UFC brass has stated that the winner of next month’s Gray Maynard/TJ Grant bout is next in line for the Lightweight Championship, although there’s still an outside shot that the winner of this summer’s Jose Aldo/Anthony Pettis mega-uber-super Featherweight contest may get the next Lightweight shot. Personally, I think a Henderson/Melendez rematch wouldn’t be a bad course to take either, and pending how things turn out in MMA-Land over the next few months, that might just be the impromptu match-up we’re given, anyway (spoiler: Gray Maynard don’t do exciting fights, ya’ll.) Melendez looked really good, demonstrating himself as true top five lightweight contender; why not give him the loser of the TJ Grant/Gray Maynard fight for a bout in September or something? Cormier has already expressed an interest in dropping down to 205, but I can see that EASILY disappearing if Bigfoot Silva manages the upset against Cain Velasquez on the Memorial Day card. If Cain wins, however, expect Cormier to drop to Light Heavyweight, where he will probably do battle with Alexander Gustafson -- arguably the most diametric fight in MMA history, since it would involve a lanky ghost-white dude taking on a blubbery brother that’s like, 5’9 or something. As for Frank Mir? Even as bad as the Heavyweight division is right now, he really can’t be seen as anything more than a gatekeeper at this point. Maybe a match-up against Travis Browne around late August, perhaps? I’d really like to see Thomson do some scrapping with one of the lesser-heralded Lightweight prospects, like, maybe Rafael dos Anjos, while I reckon the best thing to do with Nate Diaz is give him a shot against the loser of the upcoming Pat Healy/Jim Miller throw down. And lastly, how does this shit sound: Matt Brown, vs. the winner of the upcoming Robbie Lawler/Tarec Saffidene match-up? Good lord, can you imagine a Brown/Lawler slugfest going down? No matter what, somebody’s walking out of that show with some souvenir teeth, that’s for darned sure.

THE VERDICT? A pretty good show all around, with a mostly hot crowd, an entertaining main event, two barn burners, and a heavyweight match we will never, ever talk about again. All in all, I really dug that unpublicized “UFC vs. Strikeforce” hook going on here; why not up the ante, and make an official company vs. absorbed company PPV for later on in the year, DW?

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The Brown/Mein match-up was really entertaining, as was Thomson and Diaz.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: Not that it really needs to be said, but good lord, was Mir/Cormier something hideous.

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: “That’s the way you win a crowd, even if they boo the decision” -- uttered when Ben Henderson proposed to his girlfriend, in one of the most gloriously passive-aggressive comments in the history of humanity.

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT’S SHOW:

- Former smack addicts are really good with elbow shots.

- Maybe inviting your opponent to try to kick your ass isn’t the best battle plan (see: Diaz, Nate.)

- Hugging up against a dude and sorta’ slapping his ribs every now and then is enough to constitute a “decisive victory” in the UFC Heavyweight division.

- The “Virtua Fighter” battle engine is actually an MMA simulator.

- Per the San Jose audience: watching two guys wrestler around, half-naked, trying to wrap their limbs around each other for 25 minutes is one thing, but asking your girl afterwards to marry you? Now that’s something that’s really gay.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for you kids this week. Crank up “Smart Patrol/Mr. DNA” by Devo and “Winter” by Tori Amos, and I’ll be seeing you in just a few.

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My LIVE(ish) UFC on Fox: Miller vs. Diaz Review!

Apparently, the third time is the charm when it comes to network broadcast UFC shows…

When I think “Cinco de Mayo,” I think about a lot of things. Excessive drinking, burritos, what happens to burritos after excessive drinking, etc. That said, after tonight’s Fox show, I think the UFC should implement a new May 5th tradition and air a kick-ass card of explosive, finish-heavy bouts every year. Forget about things like “title contention,” for one night, can you give us a full card of mismatches created SOLELY for the sake of explosive knockouts, brutal submissions and enough spilled plasma to turn an NBA arena into a biohazard zone? We can save the technical stuff for pay-per-views and the aberrant Fuel show - sometimes, we just want straight-up violence for the sake of having straight-up violence, and if the latest UFC on Fox show is any indication, it looks like we have a very solid blueprint for a lifetime of awesome, awesome free TV ass-kickings on the table.

So, what made UFC on Fox: Miller vs. Diaz such a tremendous TV experience, while the first two network TV outings, in a word, sucked? How about we take a look back on the show, and analyze it from top to bottom and uncover what made it work, why don’t we?

Heavyweight Bout: Lavar Johnson vs. Pat Barry

This was a bout genetically engineered to produce a knockout, and it definitely delivered. There were a few sighs of disappointment when Barry took the fight to the ground - where he came surprisingly close to finishing his adversary - but as soon as things got vertical in the last minute of the first round, the Cinco de Mayo fireworks started flying with Johnson rocking Barry with damn near two dozen right-left combos that dropped the UFC veteran like a sack of potatoes. An exciting, technique-less slugfest, which is exactly the kind of fight you want to open a network TV show.

RANDOM COMMERCIAL OBSERVATIONS

• Tonight’s show is dedicated to the memory of MCA. Here’s hoping that, at the funeral, the pallbearers don’t let the coffin…mmmDROP!

• Damn, are there are a lot of Blimpies commercials going on tonight, or are my eyes deceiving me? I haven’t seen one of those restaurants in my neck of the woods for at least 10 years. Here’s to hoping that, someway, somehow, this leads to a resurgence in the popularity of Del Taco as a national chain…

Middleweight Bout: Alan Belcher vs. Rousimar Palhares

Well, holy shit, this fight didn’t turn out like I expected. Belcher, in an absolute bitch slap to common sense, decides to take submission master (and, according to Goldberg, something of a “violent Brazilian jiu-jitsu practitioner") Palhares down early in the first, and attempts to lock in, of all things, a twister (but, uh, not that kind of twister, if you are an MMA newbie.) He can’t get it, but Rousimar comes dangerously close to sinking in a few leg lock submissions of his own. After some back and forth tussling, Belcher manages to get the full mount, where he rains elbows and fist burgers on the downed Brazilian until the ref calls a stop to the bout late in the first. A really, really entertaining fight, that definitely vaunts Belcher to status as a top ten middlewight. And big ups to Joe Rogan, who did a fantastic job of explaining the intricacies of BJJ submissions to a national audience tonight (even if yelling “get out of there, Alan!” probably isn’t a sign of objective play calling, but what the hell ever.)

RANDOM COMMERCIAL OBSERVATIONS

• Hey, how about that new Ghost Recon game? Because when I think “tactical, squad-based shooters” and “Tom Clancy,” the first thing that pops into my mind is “closed quarters combat.”

• Wow, is Mike Goldberg experiencing that many microphone problems, or did he accidentally swallow his lapel transmitter or something?

Welterweight Bout: Johny Hendricks vs. Josh Koscheck

The pre-fight promos involved Koscheck flying a Cessna (making him the only fighter in the division that routinely gets higher than Nick Diaz, I suppose) and Hendricks proving his Texas worth by shooting a bunch of fish with a bow and arrow. This was a really competitive bout, and a fight that, admittedly, could have gone either way. While Hendricks clearly landed more punches, I think Koscheck ended up landing the more destructive ones, and he definitely controlled the tempo of the fight up until the final round. Hendricks scoring a few takedowns might have been the big variable here, but that still didn’t make determining a clear-cut winner any easier here. Going into the reading of the scorecards, Koscheck’s eye was swollen like a purple kiwi…yet again. Hendricks earns a split-decision victory, but whether his performance tonight was truly enough to put him in line for a title shot is extremely debatable.

RANDOM COMMERCIAL OBSERVATIONS

• Hey, “Diablo III” is coming out. Subsequently, expect productivity numbers across the nation to mysteriously shrink over the ensuing months, for some reason or another.

• And hey, how about the “Max Payne 3,” huh? Unless Marky Mark is in this one too, I really don’t figure there’s much of a reason to get excited.

LIGHTWEIGHT BOUT: Nate Diaz vs. Jim Miller

First off, does it make me a horrible human being if I said that one Shriner’s Hospital commercial with Kenny Florian made me laugh out loud a little?

Jim Miller came out to “Bad Moon Rising” by CCR, which may or may not have been an oblique homage to the so-called “Super Moon” event that was to transpire about an hour after the fight. Diaz, meanwhile, came out to some Tupac, yet, unfortunately, he wasn’t courted to the cage by a holographic Shakur, Coachella style.

This was an absolutely brutal performance by Diaz, who outstruck Miller - generally considered one of the toughest hombres in the division as it is - before taking him down and choking him out in the second round. In the post-fight, Diaz thanked just about every single Strikeforce employee, while Miller felt bad about getting his ass kicked. Dana White said that if Diaz won tonight, he would set himself up for a title shot at some point in the immediate future. While whether or not White lives up to his promise is something we can’t gauge at the current, I’d say that Diaz has definitely earned at least a number one contender bout…and if he hasn’t had at least one crack at the lightweight strap this time next year, I would be one extremely shocked spectator.

THE VERDICT: Well, after two very disappointing shows on Fox, the UFC FINALLY delivered a broadcast TV card worth talking about, with nary a disappointing bout on the entire program. Ultimately, the show felt VERY much like a Strikeforce card, and not just because of all of the finishes and the fact that the show concluded with a Diaz standing in the middle of the cage and demonstrating horrible public speaking skills. The tempo of the program was WAY better than the last two shows, and I really liked some of the additions to the broadcast presentation, like the scrolling tweets at the bottom of the screen (even if it is a little “Dancing with the Stars”-esque). As always, the announcing fluctuated from really good to pretty stupid, but hey, that’s MMA broadcasts for you. I have to say that I really liked the booth team of Curt Menefree, Brian Stann and Randy Couture a whole lot more than I did any of the previous commentary tandems…not that outdoing Brock Lesnar and Jon Jones being fed lines through their earpieces was all that daunting a task, anyway.

The pre-packaged stuff (primarily, the “video profiles“ they air before fights), however, are still really ho-hum, and dear lord, did they ever hunch the pooch when it came to hyping the dos Santos/Mir show later this month. Even so, it was still far and away the best Fox outing yet, and a nice template for the company to utilize going forward with these national broadcasts. At this point, I think the company is finally figuring out the strategy here - put your championship fights on PPV, and make your Fox broadcasts nothing but super-explosive eliminator bouts and matches meant to showcase some of the undercard guys that will soon be in title contention. And seeing as how the next Fox main event is tentatively scheduled to be Hector Lombard taking on Brian Stann - the equivalent of super gluing a time bomb to a land mine and shooting Roman Candles at it - I think it’s safe to say that the company knows what makes for good TV in the long run.

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? The plotlines for several title picture stories have definitely thickened after this show, beginning with the lightweight hunt. Diaz was allegedly offered  a crack at the winner of the upcoming Henderson/Edgar rematch, although I really think it would be a better business move to put Diaz in at least one more fight before giving him a shot at the title. I think a Diaz/Pettis bout for the number one contender’s spot is an absolute given, and a match potentially exciting enough to headline a future PPV. As far as Hendricks goes, his win tonight was huge, although nowhere near as commanding as it probably should have been. Instead of putting Johny on ice while Georges St-Pierre and Carlos Condit gear up for a November tussle, how about putting Hendricks in the cage against Rory MacDonald to determine a TRUE number one contender for the welterweight strap instead? Meanwhile, Belcher definitely proved his status as a top ten middleweight tonight, although he still has quite a few fights left before he can be considered a serious contender for the title. How about giving “The Talon” the winner of the upcoming Michael Bisping/Tim Boetsch bout for an eliminator fight come November or so? And lastly, there’s Lavar Johnson, a heavyweight prospect that’s still a little too green for serious top ten (or maybe, even top twenty) consideration within the division. For the time being, why don’t we throw Johnson in the cage against Brendan Schaub later this fall, and see what sort of carnage ensues?

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Well, you had three fights with finishes and a really competitive one that went the distance…take your pick, really.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: I’ve heard lots of great things about the Roland Delorme / Nick Denis bout on the undercard…too bad you had to have a Facebook account to have seen it, though.

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: “That is gross! Gross, and effective.” (Joe on Diaz’s rear naked choke submission of Jim Miller)

While, that’s all I’ve got for you this week. Crank up “Libel” by Tilt and “Sheena is a T-Shirt Salesman” by The Future of the Left, and I’ll be seeing you in a few.

IN THE MOOD FOR MORE MMA-MAYHEM?

CHECK OUT MY LIVE(ISH) RECAP OF UFC 145: JONES VS. EVANS RIGHT HERE!

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