Showing posts with label Ravens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ravens. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

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Tuesday, December 17, 2019

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Thursday, November 21, 2019

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Ten BOLD Predictions for the 2019-2020 NFL Season!

In which we give you the projected W-L record for EVERY team in the League … and spoilers a plenty about who’ll be playing in (and winning) Super Bowl LIV!

Sunday, October 8, 2017

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play From Week 5's Raiders vs. Ravens Game!

This Week's Episode:
"Carr's in the shop ... can you operate a Manuel?"


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX
It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including today's home stand against Baltimore. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Oct. 8 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 5's Raiders vs. Ravens game, with the festivities beginning at 4 p.m. eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter) 

 12:04 PM - We're about five hours away from kickoff. Both the Raiders and Ravens started the season 2-0, but have each dropped their last two games to fall back to .500 records.

 12:05 PM - The starting QB for Oakland will be E.J. Manuel, filling in for Derek Carr (who, believe it or not, is only listed as questionable for this afternoon's contest.)

 12:06 PM - Let's run down the injury report for the Raiders. Cornerbacks David Amerson and Gareon Conley are both listed as questionable, as is running back DeAndre Washington.

 12:08 PM - And for the Ravens, tight end Benjamin Watson, cornerback Anthony Levine and wide receiver Jeremy Maclin are all listed as questionable. Cornerback Jaylen Hill is listed as doubtful, and defensive tackle Brandon Williams is a known scratch.

 12:09 PM - Vegas has the Raiders listed as a three point favorite, with the over/under set at 40.5. ESPN's Football Power Index gives the Raiders a 72.9 percent chance to win the game.

 12:11 PM - The Ravens are posting 15 points per game and allowing 20 points a contest. The Raiders are posting 22.8 points per game and allowing 19.8.

 12:12 PM - The Raiders are averaging 301 yards per game (214.8 passing, 86.3 rushing) while the Ravens are averaging 296.5 yards per game (159.3 passing, 127.3 rushing.)

 12:14 PM - And defensively? The Raiders are allowing 361.5 yards per game (241.5 passing, 120 rushing) and the Ravens are allowing 359.8 yards per game (232.5 passing, 1273 rushing.)

 4:05 PM - The Ravens get the ball to begin. Baltimore begins their first possession at their own 25.

 4:07 PM - Wallace takes it down to the OAK 25 on the very first pass.

 4:07 PM - Reggie Nelson got torched on that 52-yard pass. West runs for about five.

 4:08 PM - Second and six. West runs it down to the OAK 6.

 4:08 PM- West is up limping, though. OK, now he's down on the grass.

 4:12 PM - West is being carted off the field. Allen runs it down to the OAK 2. 

 4:12 PM - And Vince Mayle runs it in for a touchdown. 

 4:13 PM - Justin Tucker out for the PAT. It's good. Baltimore takes the early lead, 7-0.

 4:15 PM - Patterson runs it up to about the OAK 32.

 4:15 PM - Quick pass to Crabtree for maybe a three yard gain.

 4:16 PM - Second and 7. And Lynch runs enough to probably get the first down.

 4:16 PM - Jared Cook fumbles the ball, Jimmy Smith recovers and that's an easy six on the board for the Ravens.

 4:17 PM - The PAT is good. It's 14-0, Baltimore.

 4:21 PM - Patterson takes a knee in the end zone. The Raiders will take over at their own 25.

 4:21 PM - Lynch runs for about nine. Then Richard runs to about midfield.

 4:22 PM - Lynch runs for about four to put the Raiders in BAL territory for the first time today.

 4:23 PM - Richard stopped at the BAL 44.

 4:25 PM - Third and three. Cook hauls it in to move the sticks.

 4:26 PM - Richard runs to the BAL 34.

 4:26 PM - Second and 4. Looks like Richard has enough to earn a new set of downs. 

 4:27 PM - Crabtree takes it down to the BAL 13.

 4:27 PM - Lynch gets hit behind the line.

 4:28 PM - Second and 12. Incomplete to Cook in the end zone.

 4:29 PM - Manuel overthrows Cooper. Here comes the field goal unit.

 4:30 PM - The Raiders call a timeout. Clearly, they're thinking about going for it here.

 4:31 PM - Never mind, they're going for the field goal. The Italian is good. It's 14-3, Baltimore.

 4:33 PM - The kick sails out of the end zone. The Ravens take over at their own 25.

 4:34 PM - Collins runs for about five.

 4:35 PM - Collins runs up to midfield and the second and four. 

 4:35 PM - Allen gets hit behind the line for a loss of a yard or two.

 4:36 PM - Second and 11. Jeremy Maclin makes the diving catch at the OAK 32.

 4:37 PM - Allen falls down at the line.

 4:37 PM - Second and nine. Allen runs to about the OAK 27.

 4:38 PM - Third and five. And Maclin catches the pass as Flacco throws while being hit.

 4:39 PM - Allen gets about three on the run.

 4:39 PM - Second and 7. Allen gets perhaps two on the play. And that's the end of the first quarter, kids.

 4:42 PM - Looks like Allen is about a yard short of moving the sticks.

 4:43 PM - Yep, it's a first down. Boyle takes it to the OAK 2.

 4:43 PM - Second and 1. The pass is incomplete.

 4:44 PM - Allen is stopped just inches from the end zone.

 4:45 PM - Allen is short of the goal line again. That brings up second down.

 4:46 PM - Second and goal. And Allen plunges into the end zone.

 4:46 PM - Tucker's kick is good. That makes it 21-3, Baltimore.

 4:55 PM - TOUCHDOWN MICHAEL CRABTREE! That was about a 50-yard pass from EJ Manuel.

 4:56 PM - The PAT is good. That makes it 21-10, Baltimore.

 4:58 PM - Baltimore at their own 25. Maclin takes it to the BAL 32.

 4:59 PM - Collins runs for the first down.

 5:00 PM - Collins picks up a yard or two.

 5:01 PM - Second and nine. And Wallace catches the deep pass and goes down around the OAK 10.

 5:01 PM - Second and goal. Watson is hit right at the line.

 5:02 PM - Watson can't reel it in in the end zone. And here's an offsides call against Khalil Mack.

 5:03 PM - Third and goal. It's incomplete to Watson again.

 5:06 PM - Ravens kick a field goal. That makes it 24-10, Baltimore.

 5:06 PM - The kick sails out of the end zone, so the Raiders will take over at their own 25.

 5:07 PM - Lynch runs for about two. Flags are everywhere.

 5:08 PM - It's holding against the Raiders. Time to move ten yards back.

 5:08 PM - First and 20. Lynch takes it up to the OAK 25.

 5:09 PM - Second and 10. Richard hit right at the line.

 5:09 PM - Third and nine. And Manuel gets sacked.

 5:10 PM - Raiders punt. The Ravens fair catch it at their own 36.

 5:13 PM - Allen runs for four. Maybe five.

 5:14 PM - Second and seven. And there's the two-minute warning.

 5:16 PM - Allen takes it to the BAL 44.

 5:17 PM - Third and three. Maclin hauls it in to move the sticks.

 5:18 PM - Alex Collins runs for about 10 yards. But flags are down.

 5:18 PM - The deep pass is incomplete.

 5:20 PM - Second and 15, at midfield. That's another incompletion.

 5:21 PM - The pass is good, but the Ravens are well short of moving the chains.

 5:22 PM - The Ravens punt. It goes out of bounds at the OAK 5 with about 28 seconds left in the half.

 5:23 PM - Olawale runs for about three yards. And that brings us to the half.
I miss you already, D.C.

5:24 PM - It's still 24-10, Baltimore. Joe Flacco has 164 yards passing, while EJ only has 88 (despite having a passing TD, something Joe doesn't.)

 5:25 PM - The Ravens have a slight edge in the rushing stats, having collected 77 yards on the ground compared to Oakland's 66. Of course, the difference is Baltimore got two touchdowns off those 77 yards - the Raiders haven't gotten diddly. 

 5:26 PM - Needless to say, the Raiders are getting their asses kicked, and there's so much wrong going on I don't have enough time to list everything. On the plus side, though, the Raiders do get the ball back to start the second half. Now, if only they could get some shit rolling, though ...

 5:39 PM - Raiders begin at their own 25. The pass to Roberts is broken up.

 5:40 PM - Lynch dropped behind the line.

 5:40 PM - Third and 11. Manuel throws it away on the move. And here come the boo birds.

 5:41 PM - The Ravens' return man goes out at the BAL 40.

 5:41 PM - The back gets dropped for about a three yard loss.

 5:42 PM - And Maclin gets dropped for another loss.

 5:43 PM - Third and 16. Collins runs for about six yards. Baltimore's gotta' punt.

 5:47 PM - Lynch with a five yard run.

 5:47 PM - Second and 6. Lynch hit at the line for no gain.

 5:48 PM - Third and 6. And there goes the WiFi connect. Just dandy.

 5:51 PM - Well, the Ravens have the ball back so I guess it's safe to assume the Raiders didn't do Jack Shit on third down.

 5:52 PM - One of the Ravens is down. It's lineman Matt Skura.

 5:53 PM - Flacco's pass is incomplete.

 5:53 PM - Third and 10. The receiver is about eight yards short. Time to punt.

 5:54 PM - Richard goes down around the OAK 35.

 5:58 PM - Incomplete on a deep shot to Crabtree.

 5:59 PM - Richard with a five yard run.

 5:59 PM - Third and five. Roberts reels it in and rumbles down the sideline to the BAL 35.

 5:59 PM - Now Baltimore is challenging the spot where Roberts stepped out of bounds.

 6:00 PM - Well, the ball is only moved back four yards.

 6:02 PM - Manuel scrambles and slides for about five.

 6:03 PM - Crabtree catches it at the OAK 25.

 6:04 PM - Incomplete to Cook on the long pass.

 6:04 PM - Second and ten. Richard runs for about four.

 6:05 PM - Third and seven. Crabtree looks like he has enough for a first down.

 6:06 PM - Third and nine. And Manuel runs to get a new set of downs.

 6:07 PM - TOUCHDOWN MARSHAWN LYNCH! A four or five yard run into the end zone!

 6:08 PM - The PAT is good. That makes it 24-17, Baltimore.

 6:12 PM - Ravens get it at their own 25. Baltimore takes a timeout.

 6:12 PM - Allen goes down after an eight yard pick up.

 6:13 PM - Second and two. Allen hit behind the line for a loss of several yards.

 6:14 PM - Mack back on the field. Third and three. And the receiver hauls in the pass at the BAL 45.

 6:15 PM - At least Flacco got waylaid by Mario Edwards, Jr. on the pass, though.

 6:15 PM - Second and eight. The shot down the middle is incomplete.

 6:16 PM - Third and eight. Looks like the Ravens are at the OAK 20. Don't know what happened because my WiFi is shit today.

 6:17 PM - Second and three. That's the end of the third. Allen takes it to the OAK 10.

 6:21 PM - Marquel Lee is down for the Raiders.

 6:24 PM - Allen takes it down to the OAK 5.

 6:24 PM - Allen takes it to the OAK 3.

 6:25 PM - Flacco's pass is incomplete.

 6:25 PM - The field goal is good. That makes it 27-17, Baltimore.

 6:26 PM - Manuel sacked on first down.

 6:28 PM - Cooper with an eight yard gain.

 6:29 PM - Third and eight. Roberts gets enough to move the sticks.

 6:29 PM - Lynch with about a nine yard run.

 6:30 PM - Lynch gets enough to convert on second and one.

 6:30 PM - Richard hit at the line.
Yeah, I'm wondering what happened to the team's rush defense, too, Derek.

6:31 PM - Crabtree with a diving catch at the BAL 45.

 6:32 PM - Third and three coming up. Cook can't hold on to it.

 6:33 PM - Here comes the punting unit. King makes it a touchback. The Ravens get it back at their own 25.

 6:36 PM - Third and four. Maclin has enough for a new set of downs.

 6:38 PM - Allen with enough for another Baltimore first down.

 6:39 PM - Second and six. Collins runs down to the OAK 45. 

 6:41 PM - Second and six again. And Allen gets ANOTHER first down.

 6:42 PM - Raiders call a timeout with less than three minutes left in the game.

 6:45 PM - Second and nine. Just three yards on the run.

 6:45 PM - Raiders use their final timeout.

 6:46 PM - Ravens go for a field goal. It's good. That makes it 30-17, Ravens.

 6:48 PM - 2:24 left in the fourth. Raiders take over at their own 25.

 6:49 PM - The pass to Richard is no good.

 6:49 PM - Another third and ten. The pass to Roberts is good, but there's a flag against the Raiders. Time to scoot back ten yards.

 6:51 PM - Third and 20. Seth Roberts gets waylaid on the incomplete pass.

 6:52 PM - Fourth and 20. 2:05 left. Manuel tosses it away on a blitz. There's the two minute warning and we've got a turnover on downs.

 6:56 PM - The Ravens are just going to run out the clock.

 6:57 PM - Our final from Oakland? Ravens 30, Raiders 17. 

 6:57 PM - All I can say is ... I hate football, with a passion.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 2!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:
"Your defense is offensive"

THE ELITES
#01
Oakland Raiders (2-0)
Season Point Differential: +35

 Ten years ago, the hopeless, hapless and helpless Raiders drafted Jamarcus Russell, setting into motion a cap space nightmare made flesh that insured they would be hardly anything more than perennial AFC West bottom-feeders for the better part of a decade. Well, a mere three years after picking up Derek Carr, Khalil Mack and Gabe Jackson in the 2014 draft, the Raiders have transformed into quite possibly the most explosive offensive threat in pro football - as evident by the team's 45-20 mangling of the New York Jets last Sunday. Powered by veteran ball carrier Marshawn Lynch, the Raiders are just as explosive running the ball as they are throwing it, as indicative of Jalen Richard and Cordarrelle Patterson (who is actually a slot receiver by position) each breaking off 40-yard plus TD runs against N.Y. If this defense (in particular, the secondary) improves, this team could become a MAJOR postseason player - if not an outright dynasty in waiting.
#02
Baltimore Ravens (2-0)
Season Point Differential: +34

 There's nothing flashy about the no-name offense of the Ravens, but they're certainly getting the job done. In Baltimore's 24-10 win over Cleveland, Joe Flacco went 25 for 34 for 217 yards and 2 TDs (plus an INT), with Javorius Allen (5 receptions, 35 yards) and Jeremy Maclin (four receptions, 31 yards) each reeling in TD passes. Still, as solid as the team's rushing defense may be (they held Isaiah "Kill All Cops" Crowell to just 37 yards on the day), their pass defense seems fairly suspect; I mean, did these guys REALLY let DeShone Kizer and Kevin Hogan tag team 'em for 300 yards? Another reason for the Baltimore hype train to be awfully cautious: Pro Bowl lineman Marshal Yanda is officially out for the remainder of the season.
#03
Denver Broncos (2-0)
Season Point Differential: +30

In yet another sign that the biblical Apocalypse is nigh, Denver QB Trevor Siemian (231 yards, 22 completions) threw four touchdown passes in his team's 42-17 rectal execution of the Cowboys last Sunday. The run games of the two teams couldn't have been any more divergent; while Dallas struggled to rack up 40 yards on 14 carries, the Broncos easily accumulated 178 yards on the ground, with top producer C.J. Anderson racking up 118 yards and one end zone visit on 25 carries.
#04
Detroit Lions (2-0)
Season Point Differential: +26

 After Monday night's game, you'd be hard-pressed to find anybody who thinks Matt Stafford isn't worth his record contract dollars. Going 15 for 21 for 122 yards and two scores, Stafford led the Lions to a facile 24-10 victory over the G-Men, with Detroit's defense holding New York to just 62 yards rushing  ... and sacking Eli Manning's ass five times for a net loss of 31 yards.
#05
Carolina Panthers (2-0)
Season Point Differential: +26

 It wasn't pretty, but Cam Newton and company nonetheless managed to pull out the 9-3 win against Buffalo over the weekend. Both teams were held to less than 200 yards passing and neither squad could reach triple digits in terms of rushing yards; alas, the Panthers got within field goal range more times than the Bills, and that was the big decider in the ball game. Perhaps the biggest takeaway from the game, of course, is the injury to Pro Bowler Greg Olsen, whose broken leg is going to keep him out of action for the next two-to-three months.
#06
Kansas City Chiefs (2-0)
Season Point Differential: +22

 Kareem Hunt's outstanding rookie year continues. In the Chiefs' 27-20 win over the Eagles, the first-year pro out of Toledo collected 81 yards and two touchdowns on 13 carries, and he currently leads the League in total rushing yards. Alas, after a 400-yard-plus performance against New England on opening night, Alex Smith's numbers looked a little more, well, Alex Smith-like; KC's QB finished the game with a more down-to-earth 251 yards and one TD pass on 21 completions.
#07
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0)
Season Point Differential:+22

Well, there's no hurricane rust on the Bucs. In their 29-7 beatdown of Chicago, Jameis Winston went 18 for 30 for one TD, with Mike Evans leading the receiving corps with 93 yards on seven receptions. Alas, as good as the Bucs' run defense was (they held the Bears to an absurd 20 yards on the ground), they also let the Bears get way more aerial yardage than they probably should've; thankfully, the Bears were more than happy to turn the ball over four times so their foes had ample opportunities to capitalize on Mike Glennon's fuck-ups. 
#08
Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0)
Season Point Differential:+20

 The Steelers had no problem surmounting the Vikings in a facile 26-9 home victory. Big Ben went 23 for 35 for two touchdowns, with top receiver Martavis Bryant hauling in three passes for 91 yards and one trip to the end zone. Le'Veon Bell had a pretty good showing, collecting 87 yards but no scores on 27 touches, and the defense looked tremendous, too, holding Case Keenum to just 167 yards passing on 20 completions and Dalvin Cook to just 64 yards on 12 carries.
He may not stand for the flag, but at least he knows how to get down to the beat.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS
#09
Atlanta Falcons (2-0)
Season Point Differential: +17

Don't let the 34-23 final score fool you - the Falcons/Packers shindig last Sunday night was never that close. Indeed, in the opening of the third quarter a fumble returned for a touchdown gave Atlanta a 31-7 lead, and everything Green Bay posted afterwards was the definition of garbage time pointage. Matt Ryan had an alright showing (19 for 28 for 252 yards for one TD), but the hero of the day for Atlanta was definitely back Devonta Freeman, who finished the contest with 84 yards and two touchdown trips on 19 touches.
#10
Miami Dolphins (1-0)
Season Point Differential: +2

 The Dolphins just barely eked out a win against the Chargers in their first game of the season in L.A., with an errant kick from the recently displaced powder blue jerseys giving Miami the 19-17 victory. Jay Cutler went 24 for 30 for 230 yards and one passing TD, while Jay Ajayi looked just as good as he did last season, accumulating 122 yards on 28 carries. Still, that passing defense is just the worst; at the final horn, the Fins allowed Phillip Rivers to complete 31 of 39 passes for 331 yards and one score.
#11
Los Angeles Rams (1-1)
Season Point Differential: +30

 After destroying the Colts 46-9 in week one, the Rams followed suit by dropping a 27-20 loss to Washington. Stats-wise, there isn't much to talk about; Jared Goff was just sorta' OK with 224 yards and a 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio on 15 completions while Todd Gurley looked fairly solid carrying the pigskin 16 times for 88 yards and one score. The team's rush defense, however, was downright putrid, allowing the Redskins to rack up 229 yards and two touchdowns on the ground. 
#12
Tennessee Titans (1-1)
Season Point Differential: +11

 After a ten-point loss to the Raiders in week one, the Titans rebounded in a big way by besting divisional foes Jacksonville by a whopping 21 points. The pass and run game both clicked for Tennessee; Marcus Mariota finished the affair 15 for 27 for 215 yards and a 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio, while Derrick Henry led the backfield's combined 179-yard, three touchdown day with 92 yards and one TD on 14 touches.
#13
Philadelphia Eagles (1-1)
Season Point Differential: +6

 Even though the Eagles lost 27-20 to the Chiefs last Sunday, there's still plenty of positives for Philly fans to take away from the game. For one, Carson Wentz posted great numbers again, going 25 for 46 for 333 yards and two touchdown passes - that, in addition to the extra 55 yards he picked up scrambling. And Philly's defense looked pretty solid, sacking KC'S Alex Smith four times for a cumulative 19-yard loss. Alas, Philly's offensive line looked equally terrible, allowing Chiefs' defenders to drop Wentz six times for a net yardage loss of 34.
#14
Buffalo Bills (1-1)
Season Point Differential: +3

In the Bills' 9-3 loss to Carolina, only kicker Stephen Hauschka could net any points for Buffalo. Perhaps the low-scoring affair was inevitable; after all, averaging 234.5 yards per game, Buffalo currently has the League's second stingiest defense ... behind Carolina, of course, who leads the Leage with 196.5 yards allowed per game.
#15
New England Patriots (1-1)
Season Point Differential: +1

 Well, Tom Brady decided to be Tom Brady again last Sunday. Following a shocking 15-point loss to the Chiefs at home on opening night, the Pats took out their frustrations on the figuratively-but-might-as-well-be-literally-defenseless Saints, walloping Drew Brees and amigos 36-20. Brady led the League in passing yards in week two, accumulating 447 yards and three touchdowns on 30 completions, with Gronk leading New England's receivers with 116 yards and one touchdown on six catches.
#16
Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1)
Season Point Differential: +1

After a dominant 22 point victory over the Texans in week one, the Jaguars quickly reverted to form and got their asses waxed 37-16 by the Titans last Sunday. Blake Bortles went 20 for 34 for 223 yards, one TD and one INT, with Allen Hurns leading the Jags' receivers with 82 yards and a score on six receptions. After topping 100 yards in his regular season NFL debut, Leonard Fournette was far less impressive in week two; he got a touchdown, but he only recorded 40 yards on 14 carries.
Yeah, like anybody expects a segment literally sponsored by Gilllette to be anything other than a Tom Brady dick-suck-a-thon.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK
#17
Green Bay Packers (1-1)
Season Point Differential: -3

Down at one juncture by two dozen points, there's not a lot that can assuage the Green Bay faithful following their prime time 34-23 loss to the Falcons. Granted, Aaron Rodgers had decent stats (33 for 50 for 343 yards, two touchdowns and one INT), and Davante Adams and Ty Montgomery both looked solid with 75-yards-plus and one TD haul a piece. But what the hell happened to the run game? The Packers sputtered out on the ground, racking up just 59 yards on 19 carries, while letting their adversaries chalk up 141 on 27 carries.
#18
Seattle Seahawks (1-1)
Season Point Differential: -5

With seven minutes and some change left in the fourth quarter, Russell Wilson connected with Paul Richardson on a nine yard pass to give the Seahawks a 12-9 victory over divisional foes San Fran. Even in victory, Wilson chalked up one of his worst performances ever under center for Seattle; he finished the game 23 for 39 for 198 yards, got sacked three times and had four of his passes deflected by 49ers defenders.
#19
Washington Redskins (1-1)
Season Point Differential: -6

Kirk Cousins' 11-yard zip to Ryan Grant with less than two minutes in the fourth was the game winner for the Redskins, who bested the Rams 27-20 at the L.A. Colosseum. Washington's run game definitely helped out the sluggish passing attack; while Cousins could only accumulate 179 yards in the air, the combined Redskins backfield was able to rack up 229 on the ground, with backs Rob Kelley (12 carries, 78 yards, one score) and Chris Thompson (3 carries, 77 yards and two touchdowns) leading the charge.
#20
Minnesota Vikings (1-1)
Season Point Differential: -7

 The Vikings offense just couldn't get started against the Steelers. In the 26-9 road loss, Case Keenum had just 146 yards on the day after factoring in the two times he got sacked for negative 21 yards, while Pittsburgh's defenders recorded six deflections and hit the QB seven times. The lone positive out of the experience? Kicker Kai Forbath looked pretty solid, knocking three field goals to give Minnesota their only points on the board all afternoon long.
#21
Dallas Cowboys (1-1)
Season Point Differential: -9

Just one week after throttling the Giants, the Cowboys themselves wound up getting strangulated by the Denver Broncos in a pitiful 42-17 ass thrashing. Dak Prescott went 30 for 50 for 238 yards, two touchdowns and two INTs, while Ezekiel Elliot wrapped up the game with an atrocious eight yards on nine carries. At least Jason Witten got you some fantasy points, though; he completed the game with 97 yards and a touchdown on ten receptions.
#22
Arizona Cardinals (1-1)
Season Point Differential: -9

 With 12 minutes left in the fourth quarter, the Cards were down 13-3. About five minutes later, Carson Palmer would hit J.J. Nelson for a 45-yard TD strike, and barely four minutes after that Phil Dawson would boot the game-tying field goal. Seven minutes into O.T. Dawson would knock another one through the uprights to give Arizona the hard-fought, extra-innings victory; if you listen very, very closely, you can still hear the residents of Indianapolis cursing their television sets. 
#23
Houston Texans (1-1)
Season Point Differential: -18

 Deshaun Watson may not have had any TD throws in his 15 for 24, 125 yard passing day against the Bengals last Thursday night, but he at least managed to put points on the board with a 49-yard rushing TD. Beyond that, there really isn't much to celebrate concerning Houston's 13-9 win over Cincinnati. Well, except for maybe the DeAndre Hopkins' 73-yard, seven reception day, but at that point, we'd really be stretching it.
#24
Los Angeles Chargers (0-2)
Season Point Differential: -5

 Yeah, I know it's going to sound like a backhanded compliment, but the Chargers really are the best winless team in the NFL. Indeed, both of their losses have been by three points or less, and in each outing the team was undone by a last second special teams snafu. That's not to say there aren't some major problems with their run game, though. The Chargers - who now play in a soccer stadium that can barely hold 30,000 people - only put up 44 yards on the ground last Sunday, while allowing the Dolphins to rack up 111.
No, a half-starved Somalian teenager didn't steal Hue Jackson's wardrobe; that's actually what the quarterback for the Cleveland Browns looks like.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25
Cleveland Browns (0-2)
Season Point Differential: -17

 After a shockingly close loss to the Steelers in week one, the Browns quickly reverted to standard operating procedure with a 24-10 loss to the Ravens last Sunday. Quarterback play from both DeShone Kizer and Kevin Hogan were downright atrocious, with the former going 15 for 31 for 182 yards, zero scores and THREE interceptions and the latter going 5 for 11 for 118 yards, one garbage time TD and one INT. To put that in perspective, their COMBINED QBR of 60.6 was still 14.2 points lower than that of Baltimore's Joe Flacco. 
#26
San Francisco 49ers (0-2)
Season Point Differential: -23

 49ers quarterback Brian Hoyer may have had the worst day of any QB thus far in the NFL season when his team got bested by Seattle over the weekend. In the 12-9 loss, Hoyer had a grand total of just 99 passing yards on the day, which you might as well roll back to just 89 because he got sacked twice for minus ten yards. And if that wasn't bad enough, he also lobbed an interception, had five passes deflected and got hit ten times by Seattle defenders. Well, I guess at this point, it's not like Colin K. would be any WORSE of an option at QB, would it?
#27
Cincinnati Bengals (0-2)
Season Point Differential: -26

 In the Bengals' 13-9 Thursday night loss to the Texans, Andy Dalton went 20 for 35 for 224 yards and no touchdowns. He got sacked three times, was hit five times and had five passes deflected. Meanwhile, the team's backfield combined for a lowly 82 rushing yards on 24 carries, and some players for Cincinnati are already clamoring for the Red Rifle to get benched in favor of Colin "Fuck White People" Kaepernick. Considering they're traveling to Green Bay on Sunday, one can only hope the revitalized Bungles have plenty of guffaws in store for us over the weekend.
#28
New Orleans Saints (0-2)
Season Point Differential: -28

 The more things change, the more they stay the same, especially if you're talking about New Orleans' porous defense. In their 36-20 loss to the Patriots, the Saints gave up 555 yards of total offense; just two games into the 2017 campaign, and New Orleans has already allowed their opponents to rack up 1,025 yards. Averaging 388.5 passing yards alone per game, these Saints are on pace to break the League record for most yardage given up in a single season - by almost 1,000 additional yards!
#29
Chicago Bears (0-2)
Season Point Differential: -30

 After a stellar showing in week 1's surprisingly close game against Atlanta, the Bears got shellacked 29-7 by Tampa Bay over the weekend. Mike Glennon had 301 yards on 31 completions, with a one-to-two TD-to-INT ratio (with one resulting in a pick six for Robert McClain) while Jordan Howard was held to an ABSURD seven yards rushing on nine carries. Oh, and their only points came in the form of a pointless TD with less than two minutes left in the game - when they were already down by 29 points.
#30
New York Giants
Season Point Differential: -30

The G-Men are just two games into the season and they're already in total implosion mode. They followed up their demoralizing loss to the Cowboys in week one with an equally demoralizing 24-10 loss to the Lions on Monday night, one in which Eli Manning went 22 for 32 for 239 yards and one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. Even worse, the Giants' rushing game was practically rudderless; at the final horn, New York's backfield could only produce 62 yards worth of ground-based offense - and yet, they're still only the second worst pro football team playing home game at MetLife Stadium!
#031
New York Jets (0-2)
Season Point Differential: -34

 The jets on 9/11 fared better than the Jets last Sunday, as they got waylaid by the Raiders 45-20. Josh McCown had 166 yards and two touchdowns (both tosses to Jermaine Kearse, who finished the game with 64 yards on four receptions) but he also got sacked four times for a net loss of 21 yards. And defensively, this team couldn't do shit; they let Derek Carr (23 for 28, 230 yards) connect with Michael Crabtree (six receptions, 80 yards) for three touchdowns, and their defenders didn't even hit the Raiders' QB once.  Factor in two costly turnovers which immediately led to Raiders' touchdowns and you have what might just be the most holistically dreadful performance of the fledgling NFL season thus far. 
#032
Indianapolis Colts (0-2)
Season Point Differential: -40

 In the 2011 season, some accused the Colts of intentionally losing games on purpose so they could "Suck for Luck" and pick up the highly touted QB as the first selection in the NFL draft.Well, today, the Colts are running an entirely different campaign, "Suck without Luck," as they dropped a 16-13 overtime heartbreaker to Arizona. Ex-Pat Jacoby Brissett wasn't much of a factor in the game; going 20 for 37 for 216 yards, he had no touchdown passes or runs and was sacked four times for a cumulative loss of 26 yards. But on the bright side? At least they managed to hold Chris Johnson to 44 yards rushing on the day. Tis a pity they couldn't stop Carson Palmer's old ass from dropping 332 yards on them in the air, though ...

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