Jimbo Goes to the Movies: “Pixels” (2015) Review

Yeah … you are better off saving up your quarters, kids. 

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

“Pixels” has such a tremendous premise that it’s hard to not get just a wee bit enthusiastic about its potential. Imagine “Ghostbusters” meets “The Last Starfighter,” featuring scores of officially licensed old-school video game characters -- how could an idea like that possibly falter?

Well, I can explain how in two words, folks: Adam Sandler.

I’ve never been a huge fan of Sandler, but I’ve never really hated his films, either. Even as a middle-schooler, however, I knew “The Waterboy” and “Billy Madison” were pandering, juvenile, paint-by-numbers comedies. As a world-weary high school student, I saw “Mr. Deeds” and “Anger Management” as nothing more than unrepentant studio tax write-offs and product-placement-strewn Trojan horses. Meanwhile, his more recent work -- “Click” and “Blended” and all that stuff -- just seems unabashedly formulaic, to the point where you can almost set your watch to the next predictable Happy Madison productions trope.

Even as a high-concept film on par with “Space Jam,” the latest Sandler vehicle feels astonishingly (and frustratingly) indistinguishable from his last dozen or so movies. Once again, he plays a self-deprecating everyman, whose deadpan humor is buttressed by hoarse shouting and the occasional goo-goo-ga-ga nonsense. Once again, his love interest is a temperamental bombshell way out of his league, whose initial disgust towards his character quickly -- and almost inexplicably -- transforms into incomprehensible lust. Flanking the central character are two chubby foils, still playing the Chris Farley and Norm MacDonald typecast Rosencratzes and Guildensteins to Sandler’s Hamlet. Outside of the appearance by Peter Dinklage as a Billy Mitchell-inspired pro video game champion, the film is more or less Sandler stock character-a-palooza, with the 8-bit intergalactic invasion serving as little more than a slight change in background scenery.

The film begins with Sandler’s adolescent character frantically peddling his way to the local arcade, to the dulcimer tones of Cheap Trick. There, he wows his peers with his impressive “Missile Command” skills, while his conspiracy-theory-loving best bud ogles a fictitious arcade vixen named “Lady Lisa.” Meanwhile, Sandler’s other best pal retrieves a Chewbacca mask from one of those claw machines -- a plot point that we just KNOW is going to be recycled at some point in the picture. Later, Sandler goes toe-to-toe with the afore-mentioned Billy Mitchell analogue, who -- for some bizarre reason -- no one ever acknowledges as being a midget. Oh, and the championship affair, hosted by Dan Akroyd, no less? It’s being recorded by NASA, so they can send it into space along with videos of Tammy Faye Bakker to let hypothetical extra-terrestrial life know what the 1980s were like.

…and flash forward to Washington, D.C., current day. Adam Sandler is a jaded Geek Squad technician (never called that by name, unfortunately -- I suppose some companies would be hesitant to lend their logo to a film that fundamentally describes your employees as lifeless losers) and his claw-machine wunderkind amigo? Well, he grew up to be Kevin James, who -- as fate would have it -- is also the President of the United States. We meet Sandler’s love interest -- a wishy-washy DARPA executive played by Michelle Monaghan whose husband left her for a 19-year-old Pilates instructor -- and soon learn that something horrible has happened to a military installation in Guam; namely, the fact that it was attacked by what appears to be the rhythmic bombardiers from “Galaga.”

Of course, James calls in his old video-game virtuoso pal to verify the obvious. Later, Sandler’s other childhood pal (played by the guy who voiced Olaf in “Frozen”) takes him back to his basement apartment to show him a mysterious alien signal he recorded during an episode of “One Tree Hill.” Unbelievably, a higher life form intercepted the NASA recording of the video game championship from 1982 and believes it to be a challenge for alien warfare. Why the aliens decide to use an outmoded form of antenna broadcasting to inform humanity of this -- nor the reason why they decide to use facsimiles of Hall and Oates and Max Headroom to relay the information to the masses, or even WHY they are using the goddamn video game avatars to attack humanity instead of other weapons -- is never given a second thought.

Thankfully, Sandler’s DARPA squeeze has been hard at work on an experimental laser ray weapon, which seems to be the only thing on earth that can stop the onslaught of “Centipede” and “Joust” invaders. Springing Dinklage’s character out of the pokey, he decides to join the motley crew only after he’s granted both a generous tax break AND a menage-a-trois with Serena Williams and Martha Stewart.

Unfortunately, they deleted the scene with K.C. Munchkin
actually attacking Kansas City. 

Following an admittedly entertaining game of “Pac-Man” on the streets of NYC, the movie slowly cruises towards its Apocalypse porn denoument, in which the eponymous “Paperboy,” the chef from “Burger Time” and a whole bunch of generic pixelized ninjas go cuckoo-bananas in our nation’s capitol. Inevitably, this concludes with the fate of humanity hinging on a live-action game of “Donkey Kong” -- a rather interesting development, since the film itself was actually released by Nintendo arch-rival Sony. Oh, and there’s also a subplot in there about a man having sex with Q*Bert, but trust me, the less said about that, the better.

“Pixels” clearly owes a lot to two films -- “Wreck-It Ralph” and “The LEGO Movie.” Alas, while those two films were utterly fantastic crossover fiction works, the video game dynamic never really gels together in this flick. Hardly any of the video game invaders have lines of dialogue, and some of the action sequences -- especially the “Galaga” Pearl Harbor scene -- fail to generate any excitement at all. Worst of all, there are LONG doldrums in between battle sequences, with a nearly twenty-minute stretch of nothing connecting the “Pac-Man” battle with the big finale.

In terms of general special effects, they are decent, but nothing truly impressive. Considering the pedigree of director Chris Columbus -- the same man who directed "Home Alone" and the first couple of "Harry Potter" movies, in addition to co-producing "Gremlins" and "The Goonies" -- that cannot be considered anything other than a major celluloid disappointment.

As far as laughs, don’t expect much here. You get your usual low-key soft “homophobia” jokes en masse -- mostly, via Josh Gad’s groan-inducing interaction with an elite crew of military men -- and a lot of political humor that just doesn’t seem to fit in with any type of film context, such as when a rescued soldier tells the Prez about his admiration of Obama. Unless you think the idea of a deaf English lady interacting with the dog from “Duck Hunt” is hilarious, you probably won’t be guffawing at any point in “Pixels.”

Really, the problem with the film is its PG-13 rating. Had it been a PG movie, the subplots would have been excised for more video game-themed action, and had it gone for an R (as unlikely as that would have been), the more risqué humor would have been much more effective. Alike the film’s characters in a pivotal Hyde Park showdown with a gaggle of insectoid vector graphics, there are just too many targets for “Pixels” to hit, and it winds up missing almost all of them.

On the whole, “Pixels” isn’t an atrocious film, but its certainly a disappointing one. With such an outstanding concept, a really, really great popcorn film could have emerged. Unfortunately, Sandler and company have left us with a watered-down, unforgivably boring “event” picture that completely squanders its vast potential.

Looking for nostalgic, arcade fun? Frankly, you’re better off spending two hours with the ancient “Ms. Pac-Man” machine in the theater lobby than you are this film, I am afraid.

My Score:

Two Tofu Dogs out of Four

Read More

The Live-Action ‘90s Sonic Movie REVEALED!

A world exclusive look at the “Sonic the Hedgehog” flick that ALMOST got made back in the late 1990s!

We here at the Internet is in America never really set out to break any earth-shattering news. Alas, it looks like we’re the ones that are going to drop a colossal bombshell today, as we’ve gotten our grubby little paws on the top-secret script for a “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie that’s been under lock and key for almost two decades.

Yes, you heard that right. Way, way back in 1997, there were actually tentative plans for a LIVE-ACTION “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie. Of course, the Internet was still a fledgling thing back then, but I am shocked that even then, rumors about the movie never got out there. The even stranger thing? It was actually going to be a live-action “Sonic” movie produced by Sony!

Under strict confidentiality, we received not only a full working script for the film from an anonymous source, but even got a few promotional materials to go along with it. We’re talking top-line, executive level marketing blueprints, the kind of stuff we’d probably go to jail for publishing. Rest assured, however, that in the gargantuan 401 page document, there was PLENTY to discuss.

According to the documents, the film was going to begin production in 1997, with a targeted summer 1998 theatrical release. The suits at Sony Pictures were prepared to put a LOT of money into the flick, with estimates for the budget hovering between $70 to $90 million. Now, as to how Sony wound up with the film rights, you may be wondering? Well, according to the materials we received, Sega actually struck a licensing deal with Sony Pictures back in 1989, right after “The Wizard” was released. Evidently, the suits at Sega of America were hoping for some kind of similar, product placement strewn flick to herald the arrival of the Genesis in North America, but nothing looked to have come out of it. However, the deal did give Sony a 10 year exclusive deal with Sega, meaning that if any film based on a Sega property were to come to fruition, the suits at Sony would be the ones handling it. It sounds strange, to be sure, but remember: back in 1989, the term “Playstation” wasn’t even a zygote of a germ of an idea, and as the clear cut “number two” of the gaming world, a partnership with Sega seemed pretty darn reasonable, from a marketing standpoint.

Prototype fast food tie-in premiums sketches were also included. in the
leaked materials.

It’s pretty easy to put two and two together. Although Sega and Sony were indeed competing brands in
1997, Sony Pictures, by default, were to hold onto the Sega film rights for another two years. With the license about to expire, the suits at Sony decided to go ahead and film a movie before the rights reverted back to Sega, who could probably have sold off their licensing rights at a much higher price than that paid by Sony back in ‘89.

After spending the better part of the year poring over the materials e-mailed to us, I’ve determined that the documents have to be authentic. There’s just so much nuance and depth, with the highly detailed materials spelling out things to a tee. Oh yes, there was a script and marketing strategies included, but there was so much more, including a good 40 pages of executive notes on who the studio wanted to direct the film and who would star in it.

As for the script itself, it is … well, not really what you would expect out of a “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie. As many liberties as the filmmakers behind the “Super Mario Brothers” flick took, the “Sonic” screenwriter seemingly went as far as he possibly could to deviate from the established series mythos. I mean, the characters are there, but as to how they are portrayed in the film … well, you’ll see.

The script was written by someone named “J.R. Duff,” which has to be a pseudonym. According to the IMDB, no such person has any major screenwriting credits, and since Sony was willing to bankroll so much money into the production (with advertising costs factored in, well over $100 million in pre-Lewinksy dollars!) it seems almost implausible that the suits would place the fate of the picture in the hands of a first-timer. Alas, considering the strange similarities the script shares with some MIGHTY popular films a few years down the line, I have my guesses as to who the mysterious penman actually was.

As far as the production team, however, Sony were really dead-set on a specific crew. The only directorial name attached to the feature in the associated memos was Stephen Hopkins, the same guy that directed “Blown Away” and “Predator 2.” He had just wrapped up “The Ghost and the Darkness,” and at the time at least, seemed poised to be one of the next big Hollywood filmmakers.

As for the cast, it was pretty damn stacked. Playing Sonic was none other than Keanu Reeves, who was still a hot item following the surprise success of “Speed” a few years earlier. Portraying Dr. Robotnik was Danny Devito, which in hindsight, is pretty much the ideal casting choice, something as obvious as asking Patrick Stewart to play Professor X. And rounding out the supporting cast, we had Steve Buscemi as Tails and emerging Hollywood leading man Vin Diesel, taking on the role of Knuckles. Unfortunately, those are the only characters in the film that actually exist in the canonical “Sonic” world we all know and love, although there are a few additional characters in the script who seem to be oblique nods to other supporting Sonic characters.

Now, as for the script itself, it’s absolutely bizarre, owing more to “Stargate” than “Sonic and Knuckles.” It also has a general plotline that seems almost impossibly similar to “Avatar,” with more than a few “The Matrix”-like themes chunked in there.

In the screenplay, Sonic isn’t actually a hedgehog. In fact, he’s a flesh and blood human character, named Steve “Sonic” Harris, who is some sort of experimental fighter jet pilot. The initial setting of the movie, if you can believe it, is Area 51, where the U.S. government is hard at work on some sort of extra-dimensional portal (the script explicitly refers to it as a “teleportation platform” but that’s not exactly what it technically does, you see.)

In the script, the product placement for Franco American was especially
pronounced.

Harris is the top pilot in the air force’s top squadron. He’s flanked on ground control by Tom “Tails” Proctor, a former top-tier fighter pilot that lost the use of his legs in an experimental aircraft crash. Overseeing the program is Dr. Ivan Robotnik, a Russian immigrant who is on the verge of a huge extra-dimensional travel breakthrough.

And here’s where things get a little complicated. The script never explicitly tells us where this extra-dimensional plane is, so it could be some kind of alternate reality world or a faraway alien planet or even some kind of computer-generated nether-realm. Wherever it is, it’s a very jungle-like place, where humans apparently evolved from shrews instead of apes. The world, which is never explicitly named, is also home to an abundant resource called RING, which stands for “radioactive isotope neutralizing grain.” For the shrew-people inhabitants, it’s the most common source of nutrition, but in OUR world, it also has incredible nuclear energy capabilities. At about the 30 minute mark, the portal to this other world is opened, and Steve/Sonic enters it.

From here, the movie kind of turns into “Planet of the Apes,” with Steve (who is wearing an absolutely bizarre metal suit, complete with razor sharp spikes on his back) is captured by shrew-people. In an underground cavern, he meets their leader, a red echidna named “Knuckles” who, for some reason knows English. Instead of killing him, he helps him find a portal back to our world, although he advises him to never, ever return.

After that, there’s a lengthy bit about Robotnik “shutting down” the portal experiment for safety reasons. However, Sonic decides to snoop in on one of Robotnik’s late night sessions, and he uncovers a horrible secret: the army is actually sending armored platoons into the shrew-world to collect RING, completely razing their world in the process!  If that wasn’t enough, Robotnik is actually a Soviet turncoat, who plans on giving RING to the former USSR military so they can use it as a weapon against the Western World!

After some convincing, Sonic manages to convince Tails and two other site officials -- a love interest named Melissa and a 300 pound soldier named simply Biggsy -- to don the experimental armor and hop into the other world so he can prove once and for all that Robotnik is a no good sonofabitch. It takes some goading, but eventually they all make it into the shrew planet and, sure enough, the thing is in rubble. Robotnik -- who we learn left hundreds of similar portals throughout Russia -- has pretty much taken over the entire planet, appointing himself ruler of the land. The shrew people are enslaved and forced to mine for RING, and he oversees the realm aboard a gigantic flying device. The good guys are spotted by Robotnik’s troops, and they end up having a massive lazer gun(!) battle; eventually, the four heroes get sucked into an underground cavern, where they are rescued by Knuckles.

The amount of transphobic content in the screenplay,  however, is quite
surprising. 

While the robo army makes their way underground, Knuckles explains to Sonic what the fabled “Chaos Emeralds” are. Apparently, they are some sort of crystals containing the spirits of all of the great shrew planet warriors of yore. Harkening back to the Arthurian legend, he tells Sonic then when the planet needs them the most, they will select an “alien warrior” to save the entire race. This leads to another underground clash, with Knuckles getting killed. In his dying breath, he gives Sonic a red emerald, which he said will help guide him to the “Chamber of the Immortals.”

Thankfully, said chamber is really close by, and Sonic comes face to face with five warrior ghosts, who say he his been selected by the shrew gods to save them from Robotnik. The five gems start circling around him, and he turns a radioactive orange color -- “A Super-Sonic state,” the script describes it.

This leads to the grand finale, in which Super-Sonic and Dr. Robotnik (who is commanding an 80 foot tall mech) duke it out. Using his super speed abilities, Sonic ultimately shreds Robotnik in two, finding a hand-dandy time-reversal nearby that completely disrupts the space and time fabric and leaves shrew world just the way it was before Robotnik started meddling with it.

Back on the base, nobody except Steve/Sonic has any recollection of the transdimensional portal or the war, and apparently, the finale zonked Dr. Robotnik completely out of existence. Now, there’s a new lead researcher onsite, a mustachioed German physicist named -- and I shit you not -- DR. MAGNUM WILY. Of course, he’s a no-good sonofabitch that’s working on the same device Robotnik was, only this time, we learn he’s secretly planning on using the portal to start the Fourth Reich!

The film ends on an upbeat note, with Steve and Melissa snogging and Biggsy and Tails making fun of them. And then, in the film’s final scene, Steve asks his pals how they want to spend the rest of the evening, to which Tails responds “I don’t know. Want to go play some Sega?”

You don't really need me to tell you that the script, for lack of a better term, was really, REALLY out there. It may have taken some EXTREME liberties with the license, but at the end of the day, in the hands of a capable production crew, it probably wouldn't have been half bad. After reading through the script a second time, the almost hard sci-fi bent actually seemed to grow on me -- if nothing else, it certainly would have been worlds better than utter garbage like "Street Fighter" and the second "Mortal Kombat" movie.

It's mere conjecture on my part, but I am almost certain the screenwriter was Akiva Goldsman. The dialogue and description of the costumes seems almost uncannily similar to the 1998 "Lost in Space" movie, which I am pretty sure is what the script was eventually recycled into. That, and the rodent-people behave in a fashion similar to the zombies in "I Am Legend," and the vehicles, in hindsight, sound an awful lot like the rides in "I, Robot." And yes, a few bits of "Batman and Robin"-level, groan-worthy camp dialogue makes it in there, as well.

As for the ultimate fate of the picture, I'm not entirely sure what happened. There was a TON of promotional plans included (the packet e-mailed to me largely consisted of advertising plans and prototypes for tie-in products, like fast food premiums) so something really major had to have happened with the Sony brass for the project to be abandoned. I can't confirm anything, but it may have had something to do with the console wars heating up -- after all, why pimp your number two largest competitor, even if you take in most of the money from the flick? Ironically enough, with Sega exiting the hardware arena, talks of another Sonic live-action film have been bandied about, with Sony yet again set to produce it.

Much like the ill-fated Burton "Superman" flick and the version of "Elm Street 3" where Freddy turns into grandma monsters and says semi-racist things while eating black children, I reckon this here '90s "Sonic" is something we'll just have to imagine in the multiplex of our heads. More than anything, I am just shocked that project was kept under wraps for as long as it was -- apparently, Sony's electronic security was WAY better during the Clinton years than it is today.

It may not have been the "Sonic" movie we all dreamed of, but for what it was (and wasn't) I don't think it would have panned out that horribly, either. I mean, it was a movie starring Danny Devito as an evil Ruskie fighting mutant echidnas and Neo in a cyborg battle suit -- at the very least, it would have been as good as "Wild, Wild West," wouldn't it?

Read More

The Six Best Football Games of the 128-Bit Era!

Counting down the half dozen finest virtual pigskin offerings of the PS2 years…

For me, video gaming really reached its apex with the Dreamcast. That’s not to say there weren’t a ton of great games released after the demise of Sega’s last console, it’s just that I feel as if the medium generally stopped progressing from that point onward.

The PS2/XB/GC era really hailed the end of console video gaming as we knew it. With DVD functionality and online services, the units really grew beyond gaming machines and became multimedia devices -- an evolutionary step that, in my humble opinion, has been for the worse as opposed to the better.

Contrary to what it may sound like, I was actually a big fan of the Playstation2, Gamecube and Xbox, having owned all of them at one point or another. In fact, some of my all-time favorite games -- including “Burnout 3,” “Virtua Fighter 4,” “Metal Gear Solid 3,” and “Metroid Prime” -- all came out during the epoch.

Second only to the 16-bit era, I don't think there has ever been a gaming generation filled with as many great sports game as the Dreamcast-to-Gamecube one. From outstanding footy titles like "Pro Evolution Soccer" to arcade B-ball extravaganzas like "NBA Street" to the still-relevant "Tony Hawk" series, the generation was just gummed up with outstanding virtual sports offerings, and perhaps no subgenre had as many standout, diverse selections as the arena (er, stadium?) of video american football.

Yeah, all of that came crashing down in late 2004, with EA's announcement that they had locked up the pro football licensing rights for years to come, but before that, there actually were a number of better-than-average to outstanding pigskin simulators out there for us to joyously bruise our thumbs upon -- and even a few unlicensed ones following.

With the 49th installment of the Super Bowl nigh approaching, I figured it was worth our collective whiles to take a relatively shorter stroll down memory lane than our usual nostalgic circle jerks, and reflect on the greatness of the football games of two console cycles ago. Man, it's feeling all shades of 2003 up in this muddah, and in the best way possible, too.

Blitz: The League

In the mid 2000s, it sorta’ became publicly acknowledged that a lot of NFL players had made themselves half-retarded from years of concussions and spine-rattling helmet-to-helmet collisions. As such, the National Football League decided to do a bit of a PR clean-up, and one of their first responses was forcing the makers of the popular arcade series “NFL Blitz” to tone down all of the piledrivers and clotheslines. This led to the half-hearted attempt at a “real” football sim, “Blitz Pro,” which for all intents and purposes, sucked.

Who didn't want to see a five-year-late video game adaptation of
"Any Given Sunday?"

After Electronic Arts snatched up the NFL license all for itself in late 2004, the programmers over at Midway decided to say “eff you” and crafted their own non-licensed football game, which appears to have been modeled after the short-lived ESPN drama “Playmakers” (which, itself, wound up getting axed because the NFL didn’t like a fictitious series alleging that all of its players were a bunch of crack smoking wife beaters. How preposterous!)

Released in 2005, “Blitz: The League” didn’t offer much in sheer gameplay -- really, it was a pretty lackluster variation of the engine used for the afore-mentioned “Blitz Pro” -- but it what it lacked in substance, it definitely made up for in style. The first sports video game I can think of with a genuine narrative, you took control of a player-made team and traversed your way through a full season just ripe with on and off the field intrigue, complete with what has to be the first ever subplot about a publicly-funded stadium deal in a video game of any variety.

Perhaps trying to cash in on the grim and gritty success of “Grand Theft Auto,” the game also had a shit ton of features you’d never see in “Madden,” including the ability to specifically target vital organs, shoot up steroids and even send hookers over to the hotel rooms of other players (a real-life tactic pioneered by legendary linebacker and unabashed paedo Lawrence Taylor, who also lends his voice and likeness to a character in the game.) As before, it’s far from being a great football video game, but just for the sheer audacity of it -- and the novel attempt at an actual narrative -- it’s probably worth playing, at least once.

ESPN NFL Football

As good as the “NFL 2K” games on the Dreamcast were, I’ve always thought the games on the PS2 and Xbox were even better. And while “NFL 2K5” remains arguably the most beloved installment in the series, I actually prefer playing its predecessor, “ESPN NFL Football.”

It even had Chris Berman and his kooky colloquialisms...unfortunately.

I logged more hours on this game than I did any other on my Xbox, save perhaps for “Forza Motorsport.” The ingenious “Cribs” feature gave you a ton of replay incentives, as accomplishing certain on-the-field feats (like holding an opponent to zero total offensive yards and throwing 15 consecutive passes in a row) netted you some really cool doodads, like bobble heads, air hockey mini-games and even a special guest player or two -- folks, I cannot tell you how awesome it is to be able to send Ryo Hazuki and Beat from “Jet Set Radio” to the Oakland Raiders mini-camp.

Structurally, the gameplay was just about pitch-perfect. The run game was much smoother than "Madden," although playing defense wasn’t as much fun. And then, there were the dropped passes; for the most part, the aerial game worked, but it just seemed that there was some sort of glitch in the code that resulted in way too many inexplicable bobbled balls.

Of course, the presentation was tremendous, with excellent commentary and really nice implementation of the ESPN brand. That said, the game’s big feature -- the much-ballyhooed “first person football” mode -- was fairly stupid, but at least you could turn it off.  That, and the game contains what is quite possibly the greatest, unintentional video football drinking game of all-time; just flip on the “every hit causes a fumble” cheat, and you too, can relive all the glory and splendor of Super Bowl XLI!

Madden NFL 2005

A lot of people consider “Madden NFL 2004” to be the zenith of the franchise, but for my money, “Madden” was never as good as it was in 2005 (which was actually released in 2004, but let’s try not to be such sticklers on that, OK?)

Ray Lewis, seen here in a rare moment not holding a butcher knife.

Simply put, this game had it all. The passing game and run game was just phenomenal, and the introduction of the “hit stick” made defense just as fun as playing offense -- probably the first time that’s ever been the case in a football video game.

The core gameplay was excellent, as to be expected, but where the game really shined was in its franchise mode, which was really deep enough to be considered a game onto itself. You KNOW you’re playing a game that takes the simulation angle seriously when you actually have the ability to jack up the prices of stadium hot dogs.

The last year the “Madden” series had any legitimate competition, interestingly enough, appears to have been its franchise high point. Next year’s follow-up, which introduced the ill-fated “QB cone” mechanic and a create-a-player mode that seemed to encourage eugenics, was a considerable step-down for the series, as was the arguably series-worst “Madden 07.” I haven’t had much experiences with the Xbox 360 and PS3 games, but if there half as good as “2005” was, well … methinks I may have to do me some pawn shop shoppin’ shortly.

NCAA Football 06

This is arguably the best college football game ever made … and since the NCAA players association won’t let anybody use their likenesses, that may very well be a statement of fact even thirty years from now, too.

To begin, the soundtrack. Ingenuously, EA decided to go with an all college-rock vibe, which means you could build your collegiate dynasty to the dulcimer tones of The Pixies and Guided by Voices -- strangely enough, a feature EA abandoned in the very next series update.

Nothing says "the college experience" quite like depressing emo-rock and
PlayStation football, no?

The core gameplay was as satisfying as you'd imagine it to be, but the career mode really put this thing over the top. Not content with just offering a create-a-player mode, this installment let you become a virtual collegiate athlete, complete with a filthy dorm, final exams and the ability to upgrade girlfriends as you performed better on the field. The only way EA could have made a more ridiculously in-depth title is if they included point-shaving and GHB-slipping mini-games.

The replay value on this sucker was off the charts. Even after completing a four-year run at BYU as a tailback, I immediately decided to start a new campaign as an outside linebacker at Toledo. And true to form, even though my squad went undefeated for an entire presidential term, we still managed to get screwed over on a BCS National Title bid every single year. Needless to say, the realism presented by Electronic Arts here is utterly astounding.

NFL Fever 2004

While “Madden” and “2K” were most certainly better series, Microsoft’s very own “Fever” franchise wasn’t too shabby either. While the first two games in the series were remorseless score fests, the third (and final) installment was actually loaded with all sorts of cool features, that sadly, portended what could have been a truly stellar next-gen series.

Pressing the white button allowed you to adjust your cup, if I remember
correctly...

First off, the visuals in "NFL Fever 2004" were probably the best of any football game from the era. Unlike in "NFL 2K," the player models didn't look like Frankenstein monsters, and unlike "Madden," the running animations actually somewhat resembled human movement. That, and there were a ton of neat touches, like grass stains accumulating on jerseys and the crowds emptying the stadium during blowouts.

Gameplay-wise, yeah, there were some deficiencies, especially on the defensive side of the ball. But as a plus, the offensive selections were pretty robust (I goddamn loved the "create-a-play" feature) and the "read-and-lead" passing gimmick -- in which you chunked the ball to a spot on the field and than commandeered a receiver to said spot -- had a lot of potential. And the offseason mode beat the dogshit out of both "Madden" and "2K," and it wasn't even close.

Alas, "Fever" was short-lived, an especially cruel fate considering the series seemed to be on the verge of turning the corner from being a good football franchise to one that legitimately posed a challenge to the "big two" of pro football video gamin'. If you've never played this one, you can probably pick up a copy at Gamestop for less than a dollar ... just don't be surprised when the '72 Dolphins challenge you out of the blue after winning your first Super Bowl, though.

NFL Street

Considering the critical and financial success of the “NBA Street” series, I suppose it was only natural that EA would look heir hand at a similar NFL product, too. “NFL Street,” in a way, filled the void left behind by “NFL Blitz,” giving gamers a really out there arcade-style sports game that replaced the absurd violence with equally absurd gymnastic feats that bordered on the supernatural.

Football is always better when it look like "Katamari Damacy,"
doesn't it?

As the name implies, the fun here was all about crafting your own dream team, and then watching them do "Prince of Persia" shit in back alleys while Xzibit played in the background. There were quite a few NFL legends on the roster too, which made it all the more fun -- nothing like bringing Barry Sanders out of retirement for some "Tecmo Super Bowl"-esque ownage, no?

Probably the two biggest slights against the game were the defensive controls (man, a "hit stick" a'la "Madden 2005" would've made a world of difference here) and the "game breaker" feature, which pretty much resulted in an automatic TD, no matter what. That said, you gotta' give the game props for a seriously fun offensive game ... running sideways up brick walls and taunting linebackers for bonus points? Yeah, you know I am all about that.

Strangely enough, EA BIG was never really able to refine the core gameplay into a better series, with "NFL Street 2" (released the same calendar year as the first game, if you can believe it) suffering from a surfeit of glitches and the way-too-late follow-up "NFL Street 3" just playing like a lifeless sack of shit. Still, "NFL Street" numero uno remains a seriously fun little offering, and nothing -- I mean NOTHING -- will make you feel pangs of nostalgia for the W. years quite like staring at a cartoon-version of Ricky Williams. Absolutely freaking nothing.

Read More