Showing posts with label Stupid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stupid. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

The Women's March Protests Are Totally Pointless

What "rights" are all you broads fighting for, anyway?


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

Well, I figured I'd have to say something about all of this "Women's March" stuff eventually, so I'll hurry up, say my piece and leave all ya'll be.

To begin, let's go back to the Civil Rights Movement. Or, even more fitting, the Suffragette Movement. Alright gals, think very, VERY carefully here: what made those protests different from the ones you're doing today? 

Simply put: they were actually fighting for something concrete. The Suffragette Movement wasn't about fighting sexism or the patriarchy, it was a social movement to obtain a specific legal right - that being, the right to vote (although it is strange how history has seemed to have forgotten just how closely tied the Suffragette Movement was to the Temperance Movement, but hey, I'll let you do your own research there.) Same thing with the Civil Rights Movement. They weren't marching against racial discrimination, they were LITERALLY marching to overturn discriminatory legislation; the Civil Rights Act of 1964 didn't make racism illegal, but it did make a shit ton of Jim Crow laws - which formerly barred blacks from frequenting certain public facilities and even schools - illegal

Now, I want you to pay REAL close attention, girls. In one sentence, what concrete legal rights are all these marches you've been doing intended to obtain? What specific law - if any - are these marches meant to overturn, overrule or outright outlaw? 

Well, I hate to break it to you, husband-less cat-owners of America, but assembling by the hundreds of thousands to hold up signs reading "you can't comb over racism, homophobia, sexism, rape, Islamiphobia [sic]" doesn't actually constitute a concrete legislative demand. Unless, of course, the whole point of these marches is to drum up support for legislation that would make racism, homophobia, sexism and Islamiphobia [sic] illegal, at which point YOU would be the ones raping the United States Constitution

From what I've seen thus far, here's what I suspect the women's marchers might be trying to say:

  • Abortions are great, especially when they're free
  • Donald Trump is a big fat stupid doo-doo head
  • Smash the patriarchy so we can close the wage gap for good
  • Wah wah wah, Hillary didn't win and I don't know how else to react to not getting my way for the first time in my life

How women march for freedom vs. how men march for freedom.

Well, last time I checked, abortion is still perfectly legal and Roe v. Wade remains the law of the land. Granted, there's a pretty strong chance the Trump Administration could (and most likely will at least try) to cut funding to Planned Parenthood, but even if Congress DID manage to pass a bill saying no more federal moolah for P.P. - it STILL doesn't ACTUALLY outlaw abortion. Same thing if the Trump Administration tries (and it wouldn't surprise me if they did) to suspend any and all Medicaid funding for abortions. 

Roe v. Wade is still intact, skirts. The only difference is, instead of having taxpayers in Nebraska and Wisconsin unknowingly foot the bill for your latest de-fetusing, now you've gotta' pay for that shit on your own dime. You're not losing any Supreme Court bestowed rights, girls ... you're just liable to lose an entitlement (that being, publicly subsidized abortions) you're not legally or constitutionally obligated to receive in the first place. IF Trump and pals were trying to actively ram a bill through the House that outright banned abortions, you MIGHT have an argument. Unfortunately, "make other people pony up to have this thing scraped and vacuumed out of me" ISN'T a legally codified right anywhere, no matter how badly you wish it was.

The second bullet point is an even stupider aggrievement. Alright, so you don't like Trump. You think he's a sexist pig who might be a legitimate rapist, even though he's never been arrested for it (and certainly never charged with it, and doubly certainly never been convicted of it) and none of his alleged "victims" have ever come forward with concrete, tangible proof that he victimized them. Sorry, broads, but "I think he's an asshole" isn't a legitimate reason to remove him from office. To do that, he's actually gotta' do something that violates his oath as president, like, I don't know, lie before Congress about getting his dick sucked. Furthermore, what executive order has he signed thus far that literally deprives you of one legal right (sorry, but that's not the same thing as entitlement) you had Nov. 8, 2016? That's right, none, zip, nada. You're just as Constitutionally free as you were three months ago, and the fact that hundreds of thousands of you can assemble in the streets to yell "fuck you Orange Hitler" for six hours straight without having a tank run you over more than proves it

The third one is so stupid, I don't even know where to begin. First off, the patriarchy isn't real. It doesn't have a physical address, it doesn't have a newsletter and it doesn't have a secret handshake. I've had a penis for more than 30 years, and I've yet to be invited into this inner sanctum of domineering white men, whose sole purpose is to conspire and conjure up plans to suppress women and minorities. Furthermore, if the patriarchy is indeed real, how do you explain the fact that men make up a majority of the nation's homeless and almost ALL of the nation's incarcerated population? Why do women - across the board - receive lighter sentences than men for the exact same crimes? Why do women win primary custody of children in anywhere from 66 to 88 percent of all divorce hearings? Why do women earn a majority of the nation's advanced degrees and why do women own a majority of the nation's wealth? And for God's sake, why do men - regardless of race or ethnicity - tend to die almost five years younger than those with XX-chromosomes

Then there's the inevitable complaint about the so-called "wage gap." Remember the Equal Rights Amendment they tried passing back in the '70s? Well, it was shot down for a reason - it would royally fuck up the economy. Same job, same gender, same pay - sounds good, right? Yeah, until you realize it means a first year substitute music teacher would be guaranteed the same pay that a physics teacher with a Ph. D. and 30 years of experience makes. Would a female office manager who oversees 10 people be entitled to the same pay as a male district manager who oversees 10 offices? Would hospitals be forced to pay a part-time female ENT doctor the same wage as a full-time male brain surgeon? Aye, now you see why it never got off the ground


...in hindsight, was it really that wise of an idea to let them vote?

Oh, and that whole "77 cents for every dollar a man makes" chestnut? A buncha' bullshit made up by the AAUW to cajole weak-kneed department chairs into giving them tenure. And if you need further proof that the wage gap is a bunch of hooey, here's a couple of articles debunking it for you to read on your own time from such festering misogynistic shitholes as Fortune, The Wall Street Journal, Time and Forbes.

And the fourth bullet point is the way that perplexes me the most. Not unlike the Black Lives Matter fad from last year, this whole Women's March movement (although, really, it's more of a hashtag than anything else) isn't actually outlining a workable set of policy reform ideas, but rather, just providing a brand name for a disparate group of anger-fueled individuals to loudly display their moralistic outrage over intangible concepts as some sort of pop cultural hobby. Uh, how exactly does holding up signs wishing literally half the population death achieve a policy goal again? It literally doesn't do anything to get you any closer to legislative reform, but it DOES give you something to retweet and post on Instagram. And in today's virtue signalling driven social media-scape, the endgame is never action, but always sycophantic affirmation.

And does anybody else find it just a little crazy that seemingly NONE of these hos seem to be pushing for the elimination of the electoral college - you know, the one LEGITIMATE social reform movement aggrieved Hillary voters could've chosen as their pet project in the wake of Trump's election? 

Then again, drumming up support for changing the Constitution takes - what's that word again? Oh yeah, effort. Why attempt to change the legal mechanism that LITERALLY cost Hillary the election if it means having to do actual work when it's far easier to just put on a Meg Griffin cap and say the word "pussy" a lot instead? 

Speaking of "pussy," isn't it just a little hypocritical for all of these Women's Marchers to run around wearing vagina masks and dressing up like golden-showering promising penises as a statement about how incensed and offended they were the President said he could grab women by the cooters 12 years ago? Bitches, please. For once, try to think like a normal, God-fearing Middle American. Even if you are rightly offended by Trump's alleged pussy-grabbing, is bragging about copping feels in a private discussion really more stomach churning than forcing an elementary schooler to walk around wearing a sign that says "this pussy bites back?" Dudettes, I'm sorry, but I'm honestly MUCH more disturbed that somebody would not only refer to their own primary school aged daughter as a crude sexual euphemism, but proudly parade her about in public as a political tool than I am any of The Donald's purported crotch grabbings. 
Feminists, seen here displaying why none of their candidates will ever win anything again.

Say what you will about the Tea Party dingbats - and yeah, it's probably valid - but at least those Obama hating crypto-racists had actual goals in mind. They wanted three concrete things: less taxes, less federal debt and no Obamacare. Those aren't invisible social constructs like "sexism" or "misogyny." They are actual pieces of public policy that can be changed over and over again. 

So, again, Women Marchers, I have to ask: what legal right that you do not have that men do ARE you fighting for? What specific federal law are you trying to get rid of or substantially alter? Which federal laws are you trying to bring to fruition? 

That's the problem with you dames. You honestly have no clue what you're marching for, you're just pissed your candidate didn't win and you have no idea how to handle electoral defeat

And you know what the really ironic thing about this is? Gals, this is PRECISELY the reason you lost the election in the first place. You're literally parading about your schismatic identity politics before everybody in America, in an attempt to divide instead of unite. You ovulators totally forgot that it was Donald Trump who managed to win over what could've been Hillary Clinton supporters instead of the other way around. Sure, 750,000 women in the L.A. area may have attended one of your rallies, but you completely forget that another 5.5 million women in that very M.S.A. stayed at home. A good 42 percent of ALL WOMEN in the U.S. voted for Donald Trump, and instead of doing something constructive to win them over to your side, you've doubled down on trying to ostracize, alienate, ridicule and demonize them (i.e., the pro-life women's groups that were disinvited from the "festivities" in D.C.)

Although politics tends to make people pretty damn oblivious to the real world and trifles like logic and common sense, there are some things that even the staunchest of partisans has to shake his or her head at - even when it's being perpetrated by people on "their side." And really, these women's protests - perhaps the first protests in history without anything corporeal actually being protested - are doing a remarkable job of driving middle of the road Democrats over to the G.O.P (hey, they don't call it the "red pill" for nothing.)

For starters, it's hard to not pick up on the brazen hypocrisy of the "movement" (which, to be perfectly honest, is much more of the bowel variety than the civil rights arrangement.) OK, so these twats are furious that women's rights in these United States are somehow being eroded, but when it comes the subject of maltreatment of women in the ultimate patriarchal culture (HINT: it rhymes with "Islam"), they're not doing (or even saying) a damn thing. Why? Because doing so would violate the feminists' intersectionalist Axis Powers compact with the Muslims,who they need as electoral backup against the Republicans. That one of the key organizers of the "movement" is a woman who went on live TV and said Muslim children were being executed en masse in the U.S. before complaining about 22 states trying to pass anti-Sharia law legislation just makes it all the more cringe-tastic.


But the Patriarchy is totally OK if everybody worships Allah, you guys!

But ultimately, the thing that's going to sink the Women's March hashtag/wannabe political phenomenon is the same fundamental flaw of the Black Lives Matter movement (and how weird is it that we haven't heard shit from them since Trump got elected?) Instead of marching for real empowerment, these skanks and scags and senior citizens are literally broadcasting their self-victimization to the whole world. Instead of positing themselves as principled, determined individuals courageously fighting an uphill battle for what's rightly theirs - i.e., that shit Malcolm X and MLK and Susan B. Anthony did - these womenfolks keep trying to drudge up new ways they're being oppressed and marginalized. Pulling a page out of the LGBT handbook, their strategy is to appear as beat up and de-powered as possible, with the endgame of weaponizing the pitiable charity anybody stupid enough to fall for the ruse showers upon them.

Unfortunately, menstruaters, Americans aren't the kind of peoples who celebrate pity, and we especially don't celebrate people who are clearly the beneficiaries of untold riches and privileges (like, I don't know, not having to go to war and shit) PRETENDING to be persecuted. Take a look at pretty much any gallery of Women's March protesters and you can see for yourself that practically none of them are hurting economically. And if they truly are being tyrannized, it's the first fascistic regime in history where the state sponsored subjugation comes with Starbucks and ample opportunities for selfies.

The alt-left doesn't have the foggiest notion of what Middle Americans stand for - as evident by the fact Democratic Senators are now having to take courses to learn how to have conversations with people who shop at Walmart. One look at the 2016 electoral map lets you know that those who think more like Trump than Clinton are more widely dispersed throughout the country, and if there is ONE thing the outcome of last year's general election demonstrated, it's that Red State America does not appreciate those who make virtue out of their weaknesses. 

And ultimately, what are these Women's March protests but people parading about their self-vaunted vulnerabilities and insecurities in a desperate scramble for sympathy?

That's the problem with your mighty union of hussies, floozies and trollops right there. You can aim for respect or you can aim for pity, but you can never be pitied and respected at the same time.

And trust me, all these demonstrations - the glorified penis envy festivals and traveling showcases of mental illness worship they are ain't doing a damn thing to earn you EITHER the admiration or sorrow of real Americans.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

This Week In Social Justice Warrior-Dom

A fond look back at all the things that had ultra P.C. jihadists OUTRAGED ... before they forget all about them in just a few days. 


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X


Domestic political terrorism arrives in America, but nobody gives a shit

With the third and final Hillary Clinton/Donald Trump presidential debate shit show over and done with, all we can do now is just kick back and wait and see which candidate implodes first. Alas, while seemingly the entire multimedia-industrial complex has spent massive wads of money to insure The Trumpster goes belly up at the polls Nov. 8 (complete with their concentrated Svengalian effort to turn Donny's opaqueness on whether or not he would gingerly concede defeat in the face of verified, widespread voting fraud into some sort of fantastical admission that he would try to overthrow the government), it seems a little ... I don't know, intriguing ... that what SHOULD be one of the biggest political stories of this or any other year has been curiously brushed aside. While all of the talking heads on cable TV and the Hollywood/Silicon Valley elites were busy telling us how aghast we ought to be at Trump saying he was so popular he could grab women by the pussy back in 2005, news slowly leaked out that, yes, democratic campaigners were indeed PAYING people - including the homeless and the mentally ill - to go into Trump rallies and try and fuck shit up. Of course, the very same pro-globalization mass media Wehrmacht that covered its mouth in horror at hearing The Donald's "locker room" banter with Billy Bush never acted as outraged when women, children and the elderly had the living shit beat out of them by anti-Trump dissidents over the summer - in fact, despite the fact that people were being pummeled into bloody piles before their cameras LIVE on television, they downright refused to make it out as a campaign-worthy issue, with some publications even endorsing the anti-Trump violence as "the right thing to do." Which brings us to an occurrence that was all but overlooked by our esteemed "journalistic" titans heading into the third and final debate, which in all honesty, should've inspired a national discussion about just how dangerous polemics have gotten in today's America. In the early morning hours of Oct. 16, the head quarters of the Orange County Republican Party in Hillsborough, N.C. was attacked, obviously by perturbed Trump-haters. So, did the merry prankster or pranksters - whom police still have not apprehended - merely break a window or two or spray paint a neon-colored dick on their signage? No, the assailant instead elected to toss a fuckin' Molotov cocktail through their window, ironically enough, shattering a display that read "Freedom Speaks" in the process. And because attempting to incinerate the political other TOTALLY isn't something Hitler ever attempted, some delightful individual clearly lacking any modicum of self awareness scrawled "Nazi Republicans, leave town or else," which - of course - was accompanied by a big old swastika. Alas, publications like The Washington Post absolutely REFUSE to pin the act of domestic terror activity on an incredibly toxic, bloodthirsty, liberal-progressive contingent whose entire M.O. revolves around harassment, intimidation and direct acts of physical violence. Oh, heavens no, they simply blame the incident on a "nasty" political campaign, blaming Trump's rhetoric for the fire-bombing just as much as the rabble rousing out of the Clinton and Sanders camps. Considering the incessant fear-mongering over the handful of incidents of black protesters getting pushed and called mean names at Trump rallies (although, to be fair, there was also quite a bit of black people knocking the shit out of white people, too), it simply cannot be "coincidence" that our most trusted "information" sources continually overlook the tidal wave of anti-conservative violence sweeping the nation. In that, the New York Times and CNN and The Huffington Post and their unabashedly prejudiced propaganda aren't just complicit in promoting and excusing this new wave identity politics terrorism, indeed, they might as well be bankrolling it.


So what's worse: the fact that's she victim-shaming the people who suffered arson at the hands of her ideological brethren, or the fact that she tries to "Demsplain" the incident away by accusing Trump of using the very same violent instigation tactics Clinton campaigners have admitted to using on camera?

Decrepit pop icon jokingly(?) says she'll prostitute herself for Hillary votes

In a week in which hundreds - no joke, hundreds - of paying customers walked on out of an Amy Schumer concert in Tampa when she stopped stealing other people's jokes long enough to go on a long, laborious tirade against Trump voters, yet another female entertainer who bemoans the sexualization of women (despite having an act that is comprised of about 80 percent vagina references) made yet another impassioned plea to get audience-goers to participate in the electoral process. Opening a Madison Square Garden show for Schumer (are you seeing a recurring theme here?), Madonna - a nearly 60-year-old has-been whose last major media appearance was making Drake gag on her Polident breathe - stated "if you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blow job. OK? I'm really good. I'm not a douche and I'm not a tool." Of course, one simply assumes Madonna is joking about the offer for oral sex, but by golly, where was the mass media so outraged about Trump's "pussy" comments here? Oh, that's right, explicit sexual talk is only "depraved" and "disgusting" when it is uttered by someone who shares different political viewpoints than us, so a woman on our side talking about literally whoring herself for votes is A-OK while a man on the other side of the political spectrum describing his efforts to bed a woman by taking her furniture shopping is literally sexual assault. Alas, ever the technically-minded sort, I wonder just how legal Madonna's hypothetical(?) proposition is: I mean, isn't necrophilia considered a crime in most voting precincts?

South African students declare "science" racist, propose adopting standards set by witch doctors instead

For years, I've been saying to - or is it warning? - people about the ultimate threat of today's hyper-liberal, P.C.-uber-alles, social justice warrior, multiculturalism-is-so-great-we're-going-to-force-it-upon-you ideology: centrally, the fact that it eliminates empirical, objective and 100 percent tried-and-true ACTUAL science in favor of a cultural dogma that forces adherents and non-adherents alike to accept their social constructs as things that take preeminence over BIOLOGICAL and PHYSICAL reality. If you're wondering just how far the proverbial rabbit hole goes down here, look no further than the University of Cape Town in rape powerhouse South Africa, where students have begun an honest-to-goodness campaign to do away with what they perceive as inherently racist scientific standards. Under the hashtag "#ScienceMustFall," students argue that our contemporary understanding of science - you know, all of that prejudicial stuff about physics and gravity and whatnot - is discriminatory by default because, goddamnit, it was probably discovered by some European person. "Decolonizing the science would mean doing away with it entirely and starting all over again to deal with how we respond to the environment and how we understand it," states one vehemently anti-science student in this utterly horrifying video. Oh, but it gets worse - much, much worse. Later, the same student drops this little humdinger of a question:

"I have a question for all the science people. There is a place in KZN called Umhlab'uyalingana. They believe that through the magic, you call it 'black magic,' they call it 'witchcraft,' you are able to send lightning to strike someone. Can you explain that scientifically because it's something that happens?"

Why, yes I can, ma'am. It's called "a fucking coincidence," which is something you've probably never heard of because odds are, you think studying the English language is also something "too racist" for your sweet, sensitive little ears to ever experience. But hey, who wouldn't want to give up our miraculous modern technology, health care and Internet infrastructure and revert back to shamanism if it means finally doing away with white privilege? That's right ... absolutely all of us.

And this year's Pulitzer Prize for Investigative Reporting goes to...

I'm not even going to second guess it anymore - folks, journalism - as an objective, factual social institution - is officially deader than Elvis. Not only have the "new media" shit holes like The Huffington Post and BuzzFeed gone full-activist, even industrial torchbearers like The New York Times and The Washington Post have done away with traditional reporting in favor of highly-biased, click-baity, self-serving editorial-propaganda masquerading as "news." For a perfect example of just how bad the alleged "fourth estate" has gotten these days, I would like to turn your attention to The Daily Beast and a recent "exposé" penned by Tom Sykes. The object of the shameless hatchet job? Of all people, Ken Bone, a.k.a., that guy in the red sweater who got his 15 minutes of fame via asking Donald and Hillary to say one good thing about one another at the end of the second televised presidential debate. In "Ken Bone's Disturbing Reddit History Shows He's Not Nearly as Adorable as We Thought," Sykes did upwards of five whole minutes of combing Bone's social media postings, condemning the rotund celebre for subscribing to forums dedicated to pregnant women in bikinis and admitting he enjoyed looking at those leaked photographs of Jennifer Lawrence - you know, the ones where her face was covered in splooge and whatnot. Alas, despite Bone admitting that he used MS Paint to forge fake auto insurance credentials, the thing that concerned Sykes most was the fact that Bone had the AUDACITY to claim that George Zimmerman was acting in self-defense when he shot and killed Trayvon Martin - you know, just like the same jury that acquitted him a few years back. So ultimately, what was the point of this halfhearted muckraking, bordering on needless, Chris-Chan-esque targeted online harassment? Simply put, it utterly fails every journalistic metric of news worthiness one can dare fathom, which means the ONLY reason the thing ever got green-lit was to cash-in on a short-lived meme. And for those of you wondering why clickbait revenue keeps on a dropping, well ... I'd argue that it's the handiwork of cons, cretins and creeps like Tom Sykes that continue to push mass interest in shit journalism perpetually downward.

Breaking news: millennials don't know shit about communism

If there was ever a ringing endorsement AGAINST the tenants of Marxism, I think the 20th century was just about the best P.S.A. humanity could devise. Do you begin with the 9 million killed under Lenin, the 20 million corpses created by Stalin or the 40 million deaths attributed to Chairman Mao? Not even factoring in the fun and games that went on during the reigns of Pol Pot and Ceausecsu, you'd probably assume that a global ideology that created nothing but new high water marks for mass poverty and totalitarian policing (and a 94 million fatality count, as the low-end estimate) probably isn't something you'd ever want to bring back into fashion. Alas, even though the logical outcomes of "socialism" are on full display for everyone to witness in North Korea and Venezuela right now, as it turns out, a pretty good number of college-aged kids these days think communism is a downright swell idea in dire need of a revival. According to a recent YouGov survey gauging young uns' perceptions of communism, a good 47 percent of Gen Z respondents said they had "unfavorable" views of capitalism, with one out of five Millennials stating they would vote for an honest-to-goodness self-described communist candidate. Alas, the same survey found that 42 percent of millennial respondents didn't even know who Mao Zedong was, which - believe it or not - is only the second most horrifying thing about the results. The absolute most terrifying? The fact that 18 percent of millennial respondents said they had favorable opinions about Mao, while another 12 percent said they admired the policymaking of one Joseph goddamn Stalin.


Wisconsin student-athlete bemoans "maltreatment" of a totally free college education


To some capacity, I can understand why student-athletes are a bit miffed about not being paid for their services. I mean, students who run the shitty campus school newspaper get stipends, and that stuff doesn't generate one percent of one percent of the revenue generated by NCAA football contests. But then, I realize - "wait a minute, these assholes are getting FREE college educations at some of the best universities in the WORLD simply because they're good at hitting people really, really hard" - and my commiseration, it doth dissipate. Well, enter one Nigel Hayes, a student attending the University of Wisconsin on a full-ride basketball scholarship who recently made waves when he showed up at a Badgers football game demanding payment for his extracurricular services. "The Big Ten made nearly $450 million. My scholarship is about $160,000. If only there was enough money to pay us," Hayes later lamented on social media. Jeez, if only someone out there had the backbone to tell this spoiled little turd that his "paltry" scholarship is equivalent to SIX YEARS of the average American worker's income, and that unlike Hayes' terribly unfortunate predicament, their already meager earnings were taxed. And that fundamentally "free" college education - pending Hayes has the smarts to actually graduate before being offered a bajillion dollar NBA contract - would surely set his ungrateful ass up for a much better life than his working class kindred, seeing as how the aggregate earnings for college students has increased 23 percent over the last decade ... while earnings for non-college educated laborers has decreased a full 9 percentage points.

Goddamn racist whites get what's coming to them, those no-good, hate-filled honky motherfuckers

All righty, folks, it's time for a brand new This Week in Social Justice Warrior-dom feature - a quick recap of all of the things the ultimate transglobal pariah, the white race, has perpetrated over the last fortnight. Grab your pitchforks and torches, citizens of the new, borderless, globalized utopia ... it's time for your regularly scheduled Two Minutes Honky Hate



Well, I suppose we can at least take some solace in knowing that one of German's most horrific hate criminals will be behind bars for a long time. On Oct. 11, a judge sentenced Ursula Haverbeck-Wetzel to 11 months in prison without any chance of parole for committing the most unspeakable crime in the universe: "incitement of hatred for denying the Holocaust in a letter she sent to the Central Council of Jews in Germany." Finally, some long overdue cosmological justice has arrived in this world - and as we all know, the first step towards multicultural utopia is obviously locking up 87-year-old women for having opinions we don't like.

Let's play a game: can you figure out what all of these disturbing, distressing and disgusting crime below have in common?

Put your thinking caps on, faithful IIIA readers - throughout all of the depraved and despicable crimes addressed below, there is one fairly curious commonality between all of the alleged wrongdoers. Can you determine what the shared characteristic of these downright horrific human beings is?



All right kids, time to turn in your answer sheets. So, what is the oh-so-obvious, 100 percent indisputable common characteristic shared by each and every one of the vile, violent and vulgar perpetrators above? That's right, all of them are MEN, those no-good, testosterone and penis-having pieces of shit. Sigh, if only we could round up every fucking male in America - the ubiquitous, FBI data-confirmed threats to civility they are - our nation would be the safest, most peaceful Utopian kingdom in human history. Well - a more peaceful Utopian kingdom, anyway.


Lock it on up, boys - the ULTIMATE white guilt diatribe may have finally been published

There have been a LOT of hysterical articles penned about the sociocultural blight that is "whiteness" over the years, but the absolute most maddening have always come from self-loathing white people who - for whatever reason - believe they have inherited some sort of unholy original sin in the form of simply being born melanin-deprived. At this point, the cult of white shame is practically built into our social architecture, with high school teachers in Oklahoma somehow managing to keep their jobs despite going on long in-class tirades about how being white automatically, metaphysically makes you racist by default. Alas, perhaps no one in the history of self-flagellating honky hatin' will ever eclipse the monumental screed recently penned by Martin Young, in which he describes the sociocultural construct of "whiteness" as "barrier to good relationships, just like undisclosed herpes." Indeed, per Young - an ear, nose and throat doctor by trade - nothing short of a good old fashion public "struggle session" against the abstract notion of "whiteness," in tandem with state-sponsored indoctrination beginning in elementary school, is enough to finally overcome the long, insufferable blight that is, uh, being kind of European, I guess. Let's let the man describe it in his own words, why don't we? 

I have whiteness. I didn’t know what it was and didn’t know what damage it did. But I do know now. I understand and acknowledge all the harm that I and others like me did, even without realising it. I am sorry for the way that things were and are. I accept whiteness exists in me, and am willing to talk about it, and listen as to how it affects others, so that those effects may be reduced and one day eradicated. I know this will not happen immediately, that it will take time, and that others with the same will probably resist this initiative. From time to time my whiteness may get in the way again, and I may not see it. I ask that those that do point it out to me. We need to talk about whiteness and its harm at all levels, as we do with disease, by education starting in the schools, being sure that those with it bear no stigma. We must have open and frank dialogue, overcoming our discomfort, until one day whiteness, as a clear distinction from skin colour, no longer exists.”

Oh, there's one more addendum I think I should add to this one. As it turns out, Young resides in - you guessed it - South Africa, which in absolutely NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM has any kind of problems with the black majority violently attacking (and sometimes killing) white inhabitants simply because they bear the unholy mark of light orange to medium pinkish skin. All I can say is that if Young and his ilk want to keep drumming up unthinking, unquestioning, unflinching and unwavering contempt and disdain for their own ethnic group, well ... something tells me they might just end up getting their own much-desired "eradication" a whole lot sooner rather than later.


...and a few headlines that speak for themselves...


Curt Schilling accused of racism for asking why Jews support Democrats

Facebook execs wanted to kick Trump off Facebook for "hate speech"

Democratic congresswoman blames "Wikipedia" for Clinton leaks

NAACP wants federal investigation into case of Mississippi football player who had noose placed around his neck during halftime

New York University is too pussy to let gay Republican speak there

Manhattan High School Principal asks student to remove headphones and promptly gets beaten half to death

150 juveniles swarm Temple University to beat up 20-year-old women at pizza shops and punch police horses in the face

Baltimore couple indicted after leaving 9-year-old daughter to starve to death in hotel

Protesters gather to prevent white Berkeley students from attending classes

Woman claims she was sexually assaulted ... in a video game

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Justice League Pop-Tarts!

Fighting for truth, justice and sodium acid pyrophosphate.


By: Jimbo X
@Jimbo__X

The reviews are rolling in for the much ballyhooed Batman v. Superman flick, and well - when the best thing you can say about it is that it didn't produce any mass shootings like the last Caped Crusader movie, you know people have been let down something fierce

While the long-awaited Bats vs. Supes movie may suck harder than an short-circuited vacuum cleaner, at least the critical flop gave us some pretty interesting merchandise. Case in point? Kellogg's limited-time only Justice League Pop-Tarts, which are obviously lead-ins for the upcoming Avengers rip-off that will likely be just as shitty as BvS, if not an even more colossal clustefuck. 

So, how do these newfangled Justice League Pop-Tarts work, you might be asking? Well, I am glad you did. As it turns out, they are more or less your garden variety toaster pastries (right down to the nauseatingly basic frosted strawberry flavor), but with a pretty big twist: each Tart has an iconic D.C. Comics character embossed on it. 

Let's take a closer gander at these suckers, why don't we? Well, too bad, because we're going to anyways. 


As you can see, these exclusive edition Tarts are part of the "Printed Fun" lineup, which in the past has included toaster pastries emblazoned with edible MLB logos and a whole slew of seasonal iconography. Strangely, the box also boasts a Team U.S. Olympics logo, which I thought was really weird until I realized it was 2016 and the Summer Olympics are being held later this year in Brazil. In that, I guess it makes a lot of sense to posit the image alongside The Flash, whose defining characteristic is that he's fast as fuck. You know, like a long-distance runner and shit? Eh, maybe it's just a coincidence ... but probably not


The back of the box features the big seven of the DC Universe ... albeit, with Cyborg filling in for the Martian Manhunter, because to Kellogg's, apparently green lives don't matter. Interestingly, there are only six featured bios on the back of the box, and take a wild guess which of the seven featured characters doesn't get his own overview? Go on, guess. Take a wild shot. Well, if you said "the only black guy," you sir, are correctamundo. And probably racist, too, but who's counting? 


Probably my favorite thing about the product was the side bar on the box, in which it appears Aquaman is giving you a quick primer on how toasters work. I don't know what's funnier; that a character known for hardly ever emerging from the ocean depths somehow has the fundamentals of contemporary kitchen appliances down, or that Kellogg's assumed there would be people in the 21st century with no goddamn clue how Pop-Tarts worked. Regardless, combine the two and you have yourself a recipe for the LULZ en masse. 


So more or less, the Pop-Tarts are kinda like baseball or Pokemon cards. You really have no clue what kind of character you are going to get on your pastry, and presumably, Kellogg's mass produced a whole shit load of the less popular characters and intentionally kept the supply of the more iconic heroes short so kids would get all excited about finding Supes or Batman after having to chew through 17 Aquamen. 


To be fair, the artwork here is pretty solid (talk about post-post-modernism - celebration of toaster pastry drawings.) The characters, for the most part, look pretty good printed on the Tarts, but the quality of the pressing fluctuates. Some are very vibrant with colors that almost seem to leap out at you, while others are fairly faint and a little smeary. 


It appears that the Tarts feature multiple prints of the same character - as in, pastries depicting individual heroes striking different dramatic poses. Por exemple, we've got Aquaman here (rocking the old school Super Friends short hair look, directly contradicting the character's Rob Zombie-like appearance in the DC cinematic universe) trying to jump off the frosting and grab the consumer's face AND a shot of said character ready to toss a trident through somebody or something's ass. I am not sure how many different variations there are of each character, but I'm guessing there are probably a few different permutations for each headliner floating around out there - I mean, I can't imagine fucking Aquaman being the only character to get the multi-pose treatment here.


There were some surprises in the mix, too. Among them was the inclusion of a Supergirl-branded pastry, which is kinda' out of left field seeing as how not only is she not usually thought of as a Justice League character but also because she isn't featured anywhere on the product packaging. Then again, maybe Kellogg's confused her with Wonder Woman and went ahead and mass produced this Tart on accident? Methinks this one has the makings of a new consumer urban legend, no? 


Of course, Kellogg's did take the low road on a few pastries. I mean, what could possibly be lazier than just printing the fucking Justice League logo on a dollop of rock-hard frosting and calling it good? 


Well, I suppose I can think of at least ONE thing that's lazier: printing a barely two-inch Superman insignia on a pastry and taking the rest of the day off. Shit, at least printing out the Green Lantern emblem would've required a LITTLE bit of effort, guys. 


A product meant to cash in on Batman v. Superman, you'd be pleased to note that, yes, there are indeed a few Pop-Tarts in the lineup depicting the Man of Steel and the Caped Crusader. Interestingly enough, however, in a box of no less than 16 different pastries, I encountered just one Tart each of Supes and Bats. Meanwhile, I pulled out no less than FIVE Aquaman Tarts, and fellas, you don't know what a "disappointing breakfast" is until you've had to chow down on multiple Arthur Currys when all you wanted was ONE goddamn Flash with artificial fruit filling. 


While the Tarts themselves were rather unremarkable - literally, they are JUST your standard strawberry-flavored breakfast items - I could really get behind the "printed" concept here. I, for one, would love to see some NFL or NHL branded Pop-Tarts, but guys, you have GOT to step up the novelty factor here. Spraying some edible ink on strawberry pastry might be well and dandy for the Justice League license, but we KNOW Kellogg's has it in 'em to do some really extravagant LTO products - remember those bitchin' Spider-Man Tarts from 2012? So why can't they manufacture multi-flavored, super-ornamental Pop-Tarts tying in to other popular multimedia constructs? Take the WWE for example; can you imagine chomping into a peanut butter flavored John Cena Tart, only to unwrap another foil packet and finding yourself a green-sprinkled-bedecked oatmeal delight pastry emblazoned with the mug of The Undertaker? 

The potential is certainly there, and perhaps Kellogg's can better implement the hook when - or if - the newfangled Justice League movie ever gets released. Hell, I'll even take some lemon-lime Tarts to commemorate Suicide Squad as a warm-up, just as long as the gustatory weirdness is equal to or greater than the aesthetic weirdness of the product as a whole. 

And hey ... if all of this corporate-branding whoring somehow results in me getting to taste blackberry-flavored struddles shaped like Lobo, I reckon it was worth every misstep in the learning process along the way.