How to Make Jimbo’s Low-Calorie POWER SALAD!

In which I show you how to make a super delicious, super filling 2.2-pound semi-vegetarian dish packing LESS than 1,200 calories!

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2015-16 NFL Power Rankings (Week 11)

Are you in, or are you out ... or can you even tell the difference anymore?

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

THE ELITES

01

New England Patriots (10-0)

Season Point Differential: (+141)

Neither Tom Terrific or the Gronk had to play particularly well - Brady went 1-1 on TDs-to-INTs and had 277 passing yards while the League's best tight end had only 37 receiving yards and no scores - to best Buffalo on Monday night. Give no-name James White the game ball in the Pats' 20-13 victory, as he posted both a rushing and receiving touchdown to keep New England undefeated. 

02

Arizona Cardinals (8-2)

Season Point Differential: (+120)

The Cards bested Cincy on a last-second field goal, in what turned out to be a 34-31 Sunday night slugfest. Carson Palmer continues to impress, as he wrapped up the contest with 317 yards and four TD passes to four separate receivers. Those two interceptions, though...

03

Carolina Panthers

Season Point Differential: (+108)

Cam Newton looked downright superhuman in the Panthers' 44-16 win over the Skins. Going 21-for-34, he finished the game with 246 yards, zero interceptions and FIVE touchdowns (all of which, it should be noted, landed in the mitts of different receivers.) Lost in the stellar performance, however, is the equally impressive play by Carolina's defenders, who limited Washington to just 221 total yards on the day (including an embarrassingly low 14 yards rushing.)

04
Cincinnati Bengals (8-2)

Season Point Differential: (+80)

The Bengals were competitive, but their defense just didn't have enough gas in the tank to prevent Carson Palmer from engineering a one-minute, game-winning drive downfield in the waning seconds of the fourth. Andy Dalton did play a lot better than his Monday night contest against Houston, though, as he racked up 315 yards and two touchdowns. 

05

Kansas City Chiefs (5-5)

Season Point Differential: (+59)

Don't look now, but the Chiefs have slowly transformed into an offensive and defensive juggernaut over the last few weeks. In their 33-3 dismantling of hated divisional foes San Diego over the weekend, the KC run game posted three scores and 153 yards, while limiting the Chargers rushing attack to just 52 yards. Although Alex Smith lobbed not touchdowns, he nonetheless went 20-for-25 on pass attempts, ultimately collecting 253 yards at the final whistle. 

06

Green Bay Packers (7-3)

Season Point Differential: (+51)

After two tough losses, the Packers bounced back in a big way, reclaiming the top slot in the NFC North via a 30-13 ass-kicking of arch-rivals Minnesota. Although A-Rod only went 16 for 34 on pass attempts, at least two of those wound up in the end zone; while Green Bay didn't do much to stop the Vikings' passing attack, they did do a fairly good job stopping their rushing attack, limiting their foes to only 94 yards and a solo A.P. TD on the ground. 

07

Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4)

Season Point Differential: (+45)

The Steelers had a bye on Sunday, as they gear up for a Super Bowl XL rematch against the Seahawks this weekend. Averaging 384.9 yards per game, they possess the League's sixth-best offense at this juncture in the season; allowing 371.4 yards per contest, they have the 23rd ranked defense in the NFL. 

08

Denver Broncos (8-2)

Season Point Differential: (+39)

No Peyton, no probem! Back-up QB Brock Osweiler actually played quite well in Denver's 17-15 win against Chicago, as he threw two touchdown passes and racked up 250 yards (which evens out to just 219, once you factor in those five sacks, though.) The run game definitely gave Denver an advantage in this one; their combined backs put up 102 yards, while the Broncos' D limited Chicago to just 86 yards on the turf. 

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

09

Atlanta Falcons (6-4)

Season Point Differential: (+36)

Things are not looking good for Falcons fans at this point. After a quick 5-0 start, Atlanta has fallen to a 6-4 record, with their latest loss being a 24-21 heartbreaker against the Colts. Matt Ryan, as often the case, was a mixed bag; while he tossed three touchdown passes for 280 yards, he also lobbed three costly interceptions, including a pick six to D'Qwell Jackson. 

10

Seattle Seahawks (5-5)

Season Point Differential: (+36)

Russell Wilson had his best game in a long time, as he lobbed three touchdown passes for 260 yards in Seattle's 29-13 win over San Fran.The real star of the show, however, had to have been back Thomas Rawls, who posted 209 yards and a touchdown on 30 carries. Uh, Beast Mode-who, guys?

11

Minnesota Vikings (7-3)

Season Point Differential: (+27)

Despite his TD run, Adrian Peterson wasn't much of a factor in the Vikes' 30-13 loss to the Packers over the weekend. AP finished the game with 45 yards on 13 carries, while Terry Bridgewater passed for 296 yards and a single TD. Alas, Mr. Bridgewater also got slammed all evening long; at the the final count, the Packers defense sacked him no less than six times, for a cumulative -48 yards. 

12

New York Jets (5-5)

Season Point Differential: (+36)

In the Jets. 24-17 loss to the Texans, Ryan Fitzpatrick had one touchdown, two interceptions and 216 yards on 19 completions (though you can roll back his yardage to just 197, factoring in the lost ground due to sacks.) Proving yet again that teams who can run the ball can run the entire game, New York finished the contest with 70 yards on 21 carries, while Houston posted 123 yards on 37 runs. 

13

New York Giants (5-5)

Season Point Differential: (+30)

The Giants took the week off, as they next do battle with divisional foes Washington on Sunday. Averaging 356.9 yards per game, they have the League's 14th-ranked offense; allowing 420.9 yards, however, the also have the second worst defense in pro football. 

14

Buffalo Bills (5-5)

Season Point Differential: (+17)

The Bills made it tough for the Pats to hit pay-dirt - in fact, they were pretty much the only team so far this season to neutralize Gronkowski as a deep threat - but even with T-Mobile playing well, Buffalo just couldn't get their offense rolling. Hence, their 20-13 Monday night defeat. 

15

Philadelphia Eagles (4-6)

Season Point Differential: (0)

There are demoralizing losses, and then there is the 45-17 hurtin' the Bucs put on the Eagles. With Mark Sanchez going two-for-three in the TD-to-INT ratio, he wrapped up the game with 261 passing yards; alas, their run defense absolutely tanked, allowing Tampa Bay back Doug Martin to absolutely mow down the field for 235 yards on 27 carries. And that STILL wasn't the worst defensive aspect of the game, because...

16

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-5)

Season Point Differential: (-18)

...holy shit, did Jameis Winston look like an absolute pimp against Philly on Sunday. While going 19 for 29 on pass attempts for 246 yards is in and of itself quite impressive, that ain't shit compared to the former FSU star lobbing FIVE touchdown passes to five separate receivers. Throw in Doug Martin's 235-yard day, and folks, we might just have an emerging offensive powerhouse on our hands...

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

17

Oakland Raiders (4-6)

Season Point Differential: (-19)

For some inexplicable reason, the Raiders' offense decided to go into hibernation on Sunday, as the formerly-explosive Derek Carr racked up a paltry 169 yards on 13 completions, sans anything even remotely resembling a touchdown in an 18-13 loss to the Lions. The run game sucked as well, as the Raiders' rushers combined for a piss poor 50 yard total. 

18

Houston Texans (5-5)

Season Point Differential: (-20)

How about them Texans? The two-headed tandem of T.J. Yates and Cecil Shorts III had three touchdown passes and a cumulative 241 yards in Houston's 24-17 win over the Jets. DeAndre Hopkins looked especially impressive: on five receptions, he racked up 118 yards and two trips to the end zone. 

19

St. Louis Rams (4-6)

Season Point Differential: (-20)

Going 12 for 26 for 136 yards and a solo TD, Case Keenum had a day to forget in the Rams' 16-13 loss to Baltimore. While Todd Gurley looked all right (66 yards and a TD on 25 carries), nobody else on the offensive side of the ball seemed to get things going for St. Louis. The defense fared even worse, letting the lackluster Ravens' O combine for 388 total yards. 

20

Baltimore Ravens (3-7)

Season Point Differential: (-23)

It is the definition of a Pyrrhic victory; although Baltimore did indeed win Sunday's contest against St. Louis, the 16-13 victory came with a heavy cost - the loss of QB Joe Flacco for the rest of the season. Starting for Baltimore this Sunday? None other than Matt "Pick Six" Schaub ... so yeah, right about now is a good time to start drinking, Ravens' faithful.

21

Indianapolis Colts (5-5)

Season Point Differential: (-24)

With the ageless Matt Hasselback filling in for Andrew Luck, the Colts bounced back to beat the Falcons 24-21 over the weekend. Going two-for-two on the TD-to-INT ratio, the former Seahawks gunslinger finished the game with 213 yards; meanwhile, former Packer Ahmad Bradshaw put 14 points on the board, while the Colts' D kept Atlanta's top-tier rushing attack at only 100 yards and no scores. 

22

Washington Redskins (4-6)

Season Point Differential: (-32)

There is really not a lot of solace the 'Skins can take in their 44-16 throttling at the hands of Cam Newton and the Panthers. With just 14 rushing yards - and passing game that evens out to only 172 yards once you factor in the five times Kirk Cousins got sacked - the offense undeniably looked lackluster ... and that's WITHOUT taking into consideration the team's four fumbles, either. 

23

Chicago Bears (4-6)

Season Point Differential: (-37)

Going 18-for-32 with no touchdowns, Jay Cutler played fairly mediocre against the Broncos in their 17-15 loss. Though Bears receivers racked up plenty of yardage (Marquess Wilson alone had 102 yards on four receptions), those impressive metrics don't really add up to a hill of beans unless they convert into points; only back Jeremy Langford, who had 25 yards on 13 carries, got anywhere close to an end zone for Chi-Town. 

24

Dallas Cowboys (3-7)

Season Point Differential: (-38)

In his return, Tony Romo went 18 for 28, with 227 yards and a two-TD/two-INT split. But much more importantly, he led the Cowboys to their first substantial win of the season, as they bested Miami 24-14. Oh, and Darren McFadden had 129 yards on 29 carries ... raise your hand if you thought this dude would have more yards than Latavius Murray this past week?

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

25

Miami Dolphins (4-6)

Season Point Differential: (-44)

Woo howdy, did the Fins play like shit on Sunday. In their 24-14 loss to Dallas, Ryan Tannehill threw for 188 yards (just 140, accounting for the -48 yards in sacks, though), while the Dolphins backs chalked up a low 70 yards on 14 carries. 

26

Tennessee Titans (2-8)

Season Point Differential: (-51)

With 22 completions and 231 yards, Titans' QB Marcus Mariota couldn't do much in his team's 19-13 loss to the Jags (although he did have a scrambling touchdown, if that means anything ... which it doesn't.) Delanie Walker, however, did have some pretty decent stats - on eight receptions, he finished the game with 109 yards, but no trips to the end zone. 

27

Jacksonville Jaguars (4-6)

Season Point Differential: (- 57)

Blake Bortles went one-for-one in touchdowns-to-interceptions thrown, which apparently was good enough to give the Jaguars the 19-13 win over Tennessee. With 21 completions, he finished the affair with 242 yards - his top target, Allen Robinson, concluded the contest with an impressive 113 yards on five receptions. 

28

New Orleans Saints (4-6)

Season Point Differential: (-60)

Following a bye, the Saints visit Houston next week for a clash against the Texans. The proverbial Harvey Dent of the National Football League, the Saints are a complete contradiction, stats-wise. Averaging 414.5 yards per game, they have the second best offensive numbers in the NFL  - alas, ALLOWING 424.3 yards per contest, they also possess the absolute worst defense in professional football. 

29

San Diego Chargers (2-8)

Season Point Differential: (-69)

Unfortunately for Philip Rivers, the only touchdown pass he threw in San Diego's 33-3 drubbing was to KC defender Justin Houston, who promptly returned the pigskin for six points on the board. At the final horn, San Diego barely had 200 total offensive yards - factoring in yardage lost to sacks, they posted 149 passing and only 52 rushing.

30

Detroit Lions (3-7)

Season Point Differential: (-89)

Hold the phone, fellas, the DETROIT SUPER LIONS are the winners of back-to-back contests! In their 18-13 win over the Raiders, Matt Stafford posted 282 yards on 22 completions, while Calvin Johnson, Golden Tate and Theo Riddick united for over 230 yards (but no end zone visitations, strangely enough.)

31

Cleveland Browns (2-8)

Season Point Differential: (-91)

Next week's Cleveland/Baltimore contest features two teams with a combined win-loss record of 5-15; if you're fearful of an ISIS attack over the weekend, I'd recommend attending that game, since nobody in their right mind would pay money to be there. 

32

San Francisco 49ers (3-7)

Season Point Differential: (-113)

Yeah, looks like THE BLAINE GABBERT just didn't have it in him to work two miracles back-to-back. In the Niners' 29-13 loss to the Seahawks, he had 264 passing yards (plus 22 on the ground) with only a single TD throw. The run game numbers tell you everything you need to know about why San Fran dropped this 'un: while the 49ers finished the game with 59 yards on 16 carries, the Seahawks posted 255 on 40 rushes. 

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A Very ALDI Kind of Thanksgiving!

How long does $25 worth of ALDI goods last during the Thanksgiving season? As it turns out: until damn near Christmas.

For those of you unfamiliar with the ALDI chain of grocery stores, they're basically the Dollar Tree of supermarkets -- the aisles are lined with miscellaneous knockoff goods, everything is being sold at discounted prices and the people who work there are probably on some sort of work release program. It's also a business founded by Nazis, but we're probably all tired of hearing about that little chestnut by now, I'm assuming.

Even though the chain's spaghetti ingredients almost killed me last year, me and my better half decided to celebrate Thanksgiving this year by holding an all-ALDI  produce pre-Thanksgiving meal. Unfortunately, our schedules got all screwy, and we had to abandon our original plans for what, no doubt, would've been the greatest dinner since Jesus's last meal. [Sidenote: Do you ever wonder what Jesus actually ate at the Last Supper? I always meant to ask my Sunday School teacher, but after that time I asked her if Yeshua ever experienced diarrhea, I suppose it was the best if I remained mum from thereon out.]

Needless to say, I purchased a metric ton of food, easily filling up my shopping cart (which are all quarter-operated, by the way) with "Chef's Cupboard" and "Cheese Club" delicacies. Since ALDI don't believe in handing out free plastic bags, I had to take my collection of comestibles and just toss them in the back of my trunk like I was on my way to a Hooverville or something. That's really the best thing about going to ALDI, I believe; it always makes you feel quite a bit more destitute than you were the day before.

All in all, I spent a little under $25 on what was no doubt the largest assortment of groceries I have purchased...well, probably ever. With ALDI-Giving firmly on my mind, I made sure no item, no matter how trivial or minute, was left off my grocery list -- imitation butter, imitation soy milk, brown sugar (which was actually more grey looking than brown, but whatever.) Hell, I even picked up some extra aluminum foil, you know, just in case. This was going to be the feast of a lifetime, without question...or the last one of my lifetime. One or the other.

So, with the sudden cancellation of ALDI-Giving 2013, I found myself with a huge stockpile of foodstuffs. Ever the food-curious sort, I've spent the last couple of weeks trying to dream up the most interesting dishes I could with the ingredients at my disposal. Three weeks later, here are the ALDI meals that have kept me upright and carrying on, amigos and amigo-ettes:

DISH NUMBER ONE:

Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes! 

Instant mashed potatoes are pretty much the easiest thing in the world to make. You rip open a pouch, pour your potato dust in a microwave safe bowl, add some milk (or in my instance, soy milk), and a chunk or two of butter, and after about five minutes being radioactively bombarded, VOILA: a fitting, mostly flavorless meal fit for the burliest of hobos.

Shockingly, these ALDI-branded potatoes weren't that bad. In fact, I'd say they wee quite delicious, and relatively filling  considering the price point. Bachelors of the world (as well as those with Bachelor's degrees,) take note: these things might just save your life some day. Or save you a dollar or two. One or the other, really.

DISH NUMBER TWO:

Herbes de Provence Stuffing!

First off, I have no idea what the hell "Herbes de Provence" meant. According to the Internet, that's basically nothing more than a fancy way of saying "a bunch of random dried spices mixed together, like basil and thyme." I could've checked the ingredients on the back of the box, but who has time to KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS YOU ARE EATING WHEN YOU COULD IN FACT BE EATING IT INSTEAD.

Well, anyway, this stuff tasted pretty bad. The stuffing itself was way too mushy, and the spices were way too subtle. All in all, the dish kinda' tasted like cardboard, and not that good Pizza Hut box kind of cardboard, that has pieces of congealed cheese still matted onto it. Recommended for the malnourished and fans of the frustratingly bland only.

DISH NUMBER THREE:

String Bean and Potato Casserole! 

The first two dishes were pretty by-the-numbers, so for ALDI meal number three, I decided to get a little inventive. Green beans and boiled potatoes are generally pretty good on their own, so why not mix 'em together with cranberry white cheese for a microwaved casserole?

...well, uh, I kinda' liked it, but as we all know by now, my tastes ain't exactly the most refined in the world either. Admittedly, the dish itself looks a bit putrid, and that first bite is a little startling, but as you continue to nom your way through, I think you'll come to appreciate the delightful intricacies of the meal nonetheless. It's like eating Ireland, if Ireland was blanketed in a thick sheet of suspiciously fruity-tasting milk curd.

Since we're at the halfway point of the menu, perhaps it's time we take a brief respite, no? Among the finer items you'll encounter at ALDI is their line of in-store colas, all of which appear to be modeled after much more famous soda brands."GT Cola" appears to be their "Coca-Cola" equivalent, and to be perfectly honest, it really isn't that bad of a beverage. The weird thing is, it's taste totally doesn't sync up with its scent at all; while the drink tastes like watered down Coke, the product itself actually smells more like wood varnish. I've never really bought into the anti-soda lobby's scare tactics before, but when something designed for human ingestion smells THAT MUCH like nail polish remover...well, perhaps my concerns aren't all that unwarranted, no?

DISH NUMBER FOUR:

Pesto Macaroni with Mozzarella Cheese! 

Macaroni and cheese is probably the ultimate comfort food, but I've never really been a fan of that pouch-protected orange dust that Kraft keeps telling us is "cheese," somehow. With that in mind, I decided to spice up this rather average boxed meal by pumping in some pesto and, a very special ingredient...

What you are looking it here is a product that, over the course of the year, has become my White Whale of sorts. Around Casa de Internet Is In America, the above-product is typically referred to as "Ingles Cheese," because a similar peppery and olive oil-enthused mozzarella chunk was marketed at the regional Ingles chains in my neck of the woods for quite some time. And then, right before I planned on purchasing a block, the damn things vanished from the international cheese section, and I've been fairly bitter ever since. Finding this eerily similar product at ALDI definitely made my heart skip a beat, and it's annexation to the macaroni dish certainly made the makeshift meal all the more exciting for me.

As an overall dish, it wasn't too bad. The combination of pouch dust and still-kinda-solid mozzarella didn't necessarily result in the best taste and texture in the world, but that cheese-on-cheese violence was nicely complimented by the ALDI-branded pesto sauce, which in my humble opinion, was actually legitimately delicious. It may not have been fine Italian cuisine, but if you ask me? This wasn't a bad little MacGyvered meal one iota.

DISH NUMBER FIVE:

Mixed Vegetables with Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing!

And now we come to the vegetables. This frozen bag of somewhat Asian-styled veggies had a pretty hard-to-ignore selling point, which was the inclusion of same savory balsamic dressing.

Which, by the way, came in the form of a frozen, vacuum-sealed packet that I may or may not have accidentally punctured in my attempt to poke holes in the bag of vegetables. I guess there's not much I can tell you about how mildly thawed carrots and string beans taste, but the dressing was downright superb -- probably, because I am 98 percent convinced that the proprietary sauce was actually Heinz 57.

DISH NUMBER SIX:

Pesto Potatoes O'Brien!

And for the grand finale? Pesto-soaked potatoes O'Brien, which was the only product I purchased that had to be legitimately cooked with fire and iron and shit instead of just being microwaved. 

Potatoes O'Brien, for the unlearned, are basically Tater Tots, only with some chunks of onion and pepper chunked in the bag. Yeah, it's basically a frozen container of glorified hash brown wedges, but since when was that a negative, exactly? The pesto, of course, added an unorthodox zing to the dish as a hell, and the overall final product wasn't half bad. Of course, I'm using my own standardized definition of what constitutes "half bad," so for most human beings out there, perhaps you should downgrade my praise to "merely edible" -- you snobby elitists. 

In case you are wondering (and you should), my upfront $25 investment in ALDI produce lasted me pretty close to a month, and I still have a ton of extra stuff left over. As quality foodstuffs go, you pretty much know what you're getting into here; the food is bland to decent, but pending you have a knack for mixing spices and proportioning out ingredients, you could probably make this stuff go a long way.

And if not, just remember these sage words of wisdom, which will probably be etched on my headstone someday: "Just put some pesto on it, and you'll probably be all right."

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41 Things I Hate About Modern Society

Some aspects of modernity make me quite happy. Today, we will not be talking about any of those things…

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for stuff…hence, the namesake “Thanksgiving,” I suppose. That said, there are quite a bit of things I encounter in my day-to-day life that I am not thankful for. In fact, these things, I feel downright unthankful for, because they’re awful and cause me a personal amount of suffering, which fluctuates in intensity from mild irk to carotid-artery-bulging outrage.

Here are a few of the things I'm talking about; forty-one of them to be precise, if we're sticklers for accuracy in reporting and all...

Music -- I know that’s an awfully broad thing for a person to say that they hate, but that’s more or less how I feel about the concept of music as a whole. Of course, I periodically listen to music, and there are quite a few acts that I really like, but compared to other art forms, there’s no denying that music is, intrinsically, annoying. For starters, it’s loud, and omnipresent; you can’t chow down at an Asian buffet without having Huey Lewis and the News songs blaring at you, and goddamn it, sometimes I just want to eat five pounds of shrimp in quietude. Similarly, music fans seem to take their love of whatever kind of music they like to extremes that are WAY more irrational than the fanaticism of, oh say, nonfiction literature or Sega Genesis aficionados. They’re ALWAYS playing their favorite music, as if life itself would come to a sudden halt if they didn’t hear that song on their iPod one more time and at that very instant. They come to more or less worship the artists they like, and at concerts, they act like one of those Southern Methodists that like to writhe around in the floor after the pastor slaps unholy spirits out of them in front of the pulpit. The worst part about it, I suppose, is that “music people”  act so weirded out about others NOT having the exact same instant-gratification needs they do -- they ALWAYS have to have the radio on in their car, they ALWAYS have to have their headphones on while they do stuff and on top of it all, they seem to be the most one-dimensional, homicidally violent, hive-minded kind of fans out there. Music itself may not always be bad, but I assure you that every kinda’ culture fixed around it is sure to be insufferable.

Television -- Pretty much the same deal here as it is with music. Sure, there are good television programs out there, and every now and then, I like to catch a hockey, football, soccer or game on the tube, but this whole idea that TV has to be such an entrenched aspect of one’s life just irks the shit out of me. In a lot of ways, the TV show has kinda’ become a ritualistic surrogate for religious ceremonies; I mean, people spend ALL WEEK waiting for the newest episode of “Breaking Amish” or what-the-hell-ever to air as if the other 167 hours in their weekly lives were just superfluous to that one central point of watching that show they like. You can tell me that shows like “Breaking Bad” and “Game of Thrones” are great, but I know better; it’s just more episodic nonsense, that gives one the illusion of enlightenment and an illusory sense of both personal progression and community via parasocial relationships. That, and I automatically feel dumber just by sitting in front of a set, being bombarded by advertisement after advertisement when all I really want is to hear Sophia Petrillo crack wise for a good 22 or so minutes. The most aggravating thing about television, I’d say, is the same thing that’s perhaps the most annoying about music in general -- its ubiquity. No matter where you go -- a gym, Taco Bell, a video game store, wherever -- you’re sure to be bombarded by a television screen of some kind, making the entire medium virtually inescapable.

Bicyclists -- Hardcore bicycle riders have to be the most arrogant people on the planet. Roadways, in case you haven’t noticed, are for AUTOMOBILE USE. That grey stuff between the grass is a vessel authorized for motor vehicles only; that is, machines, designed to transport individuals from location to location via the controlled explosion of combustible fuels, at speeds which fluctuate from five miles to about 70 miles per hour. Bicyclists, it appear, haven’t figured this out, and have no qualms WHATSOEVER about taking their rinky dink contraption out on the nation’s highways and byways, peddling at speeds in excess of ten or so miles per hour, while actual motorists are stuck behind the rider, whom are completely unable to move because of opposite lane traffic. It’s clear that bicyclists have no respect at all for the unstated social system, nor our communal transportation laws. And on top of that, they dress in goofy, pastel-colored spandex, which just makes them look like gay superheroes.

Families that Like to Exercise Together -- They are so many things wrong with people like this, I don’t know where to begin. First of all, where I come from, families aren’t supposed to do ANYTHING as units -- they’re SUPPOSED to be dysfunctional clumpings of people that are, largely, kept together because of court order. And even IF said families were to perform an act together, it sure as heck wouldn’t be for something with positive health benefits, like jogging or aerobics. Long story short: if your family likes to roller skate as an ensemble on the weekends, instead of fist fighting each other over who’s going to get the last drumstick from Church’s, you’re probably a horrible human being that will never amount to anything in life.

White People that are Really into Reggae -- Folks of the sort are just absolutely intolerable. First of all, the reality is, they don’t even LIKE the music, it’s just that they like to smoke weed and feel some sense of cultural connection (primarily, via the works of a violent rapist) outside their own painfully boring (and almost certainly) middle class white person existence. And regarding Caucasians with dreadlocks; in at least 48 states, others should have legal permission to punch your lights out.

Believe it or not, I don't think that's a picture of the dude from "Blues Traveler."

People that Wear Fedoras -- Even outside of all the Brony subculture stuff, it’s just an unsightly fashion choice. But at least it works as something of an unstated social warning: headwear of the sort is more or less the Star of David for boring perverts whom have nothing worthwhile to say about anything, at all.

People that Like to Bump their Stereos at 10 in the Morning -- It’s Tuesday at the Post Office, and there are only two people in the parking lot. Who the hell do you think you’re impressing here? Almost as bad: people that feel the need to blare their custom car sound systems at places that are completely unlikely to draw the attention of like-minded others. Example? Once, I saw a dude bumping and trying to look all gangsta…at 7 PM…on a Wednesday…at Publix.

Post Office Service, In General -- Always staffed by the most incompetent, clearly disinterested people on the planet. Honest to God: I went into the local P.O a few weeks ago, and the desk lady actually greeted me by saying “what are you looking at?” The fact that they always lose your parcels doesn’t really help their case, either.

People that Wear their Sunglasses on the BACKS of their Heads -- The first time I saw someone doing this, I was convinced it had to have been someone with a developmental disorder. Flash forward a few months, and encountering an entire armada of bro-dudes rocking the exact same look made me realize that this ridiculous fashion trend actually exists. When I see someone doing this, I instinctively want to grab a felt tip pen and quickly draw a crude nose and squiggly mouth down the back of their neck. And I’m going to do it someday, I promise.

People that Are in Clearly Unsuccessful Bands, Who Are Convinced They Will One Day Achieve Greatness -- At some point in your life, you’ll probably think about starting a band. That time is called “for about five minutes when you’re 14,” and then you move on to thinking about shit that actually matters. Believe it or not, I know people who are in their 20s, and even by-God 30s in some cases, who are 110 percent sure that their band will eventually lead them to fame and fortune, despite the fact that a.) they’ve never actually been booked for a show before, b.) they don’t have enough money collectively to even record a tape demo (let alone afford the postage to mail them out to anyone) and c.) they’re still trying to find a bassist. The more I think about it, the more I realize just how much music is responsible for the general shiftlessness of today’s generation. David Noebel was wrong about a lot of things, but he sure was right about a whole lot of others…

Nothing pleases the Dark Lord quite like casual Fridays...

People that Are Always Going to Concerts -- A kinda’ inversion of the above, this time from a spectator’s perspective. We all know at least one or two people whose lives more or less revolve around going to “shows” -- they take in at least one a week, and sometimes more, and their Facebook feed is pretty much nothing but pictures from the last show, thoughts about the last show, thoughts about how excited they are for the upcoming show, and reminiscing about that one time that one thing happened at that one show that went to. Most of the time, these people are failed musicians themselves (who, I suppose, at least had the good sense to do something quasi-productive with their lives instead), or really boring, buttoned-down people that thrive off the vicarious thrill of watching others do something they can’t (although, to be fair, most of us COULD be behind-the-stage drug addicts that make $80 a gig at doing SOMETHING, I reckon.) Needless to say, there’s not a whole lot of depth to people of the like; it’s best to ignore them, or at least say all sorts of slanderous shit behind their back while they’re trying to get the drummer’s face perfectly stabilized for an Instagram selfie.

Any Kind of Electronic Music, for that Matter -- Yeah, I know I’m talking a lot about music here, and I suppose covering music in general up front sort of covers this one by default, but this aural racket is worth a special deriding for at least a few sentences. Trance, Trap, Techno, Dubstep and especially all of that Ambient stuff -- I don’t even think it’s shitty enough to qualify as actual music, to be honest. It’s just a bunch of zips and zaps and these low pitched hums and droning beats, typically worsened by the inclusion of some completely unnecessary secondary audio track -- like, some dude talking about  “Lord of the Rings” or a mandolin solo, or something.  Additionally, I have yet to encounter a single person into music of the like that I would consider a decent human being; maybe there’s something intrinsic about the genre that just taps into the human “asshole” gene, I guess?

People that Care about GMOs -- That’s “genetically modified organisms,” for those of you that aren’t in the know. For whatever reason, a large contingency of folks out there decided to go on a jihad about how GMOs in food are some sort of scientifically-unproven lethal scourge, and a lot of people that are really keen on thinking for themselves decided to become part-time GMO-critics, too. These are the kinds of people that are hell bent on convincing you that Boo Berry and Mountain Dew are utterly toxic chemicals, frequently going on tirades about how “raw milk” and Paleodieting is the only way to keep yourself from contracting aspartame-borne cancer or something. I hope I live to be 100, just so I can stand over their graves and eat a Hot Pocket.

People that Think Comic Books are Legitimate Works of Art and/or Social Commentary -- Look, I grew up loving 1970s Spider-Man comics as much as the next guy, but even as comic-collector in the 90s, I knew the shit was junk culture, nothing more, nothing less. Nowadays, people are utterly convinced that comic books are legit art, on par with, you know, real art, and that said medium has just as much validity as film and the ACTUAL written word. You know, because “Maus” was a much more effective, in-depth look at the Holocaust than “Schindler’s List” in either book and movie-form, and “Miracle Man” is far more enlightening than “The Gulag Archipelago” or “The Human Condition.” Even worse are those purveyors of “comics journalism,” which is an honest-to-goodness attempt to get morons to read news by having overrated and overpaid comic artists draw it for them. If you ever wondered why nobody trusts the media -- or why today’s generation is filled with so many numbskulls -- that’s more or less all you need to know right there.

Anime, in General -- Might as well thrown in manga while we’re at it, and any of those JRPGs that are based on anime or manga, or are trying to emulate anime or manga. The stories are stupid and juvenile, while the artwork is completely interchangeable. Hey, look, some dude with big eyes and a sword-arm is fighting another dude with big-eyes and sword-arm! How inventive. And a lot of it is just pervy as hell - the fact that one of the most popular Japanese cartoons out there is a show about a dude trying to avoid being boinked by his stepsisters (no, really) is really all the proof you need there, I suppose. Even more depressing is that this hogwash somehow inspired an entire subculture. Which, of course, provides a natural segue into…

Some people dedicate their lives to solving social injustices and curing deadly diseases. And others like to dress up like cartoon characters from Japanese  children's programs. 

Cosplaying -- Am I the only person on the planet that realizes how stupid this is? You’re a grown-ass adult, dressed up like a cartoon character, in public. Just think about that for a minute, and let the sorrow sink deep into your marrow.

Commercials -- I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. That’s probably the primary reason I could never get into TV, I suppose. When I hear people talking about commercials, I can almost smell their brains turning into mush. And if you post a commercial on your Facebook page, for any reason, you deserve a good walloping. Several, maybe.

People That Have No Idea What Objective News Is Supposed To Look Like -- How many times have you been in an argument with some lunkhead, who was convinced that this one article completely validated their crazy-ass beliefs on something? So anyway, you take the bait, and what they show you is from WND, Breitbart, or god help you, PrisonPlanet. We live in a culture where millions of young people can’t tell the difference between an official government source or a peer reviewed article from a blog post written by some tinfoil-hat sporting basement dweller, or some conspiratorial dweeb’s YouTube channel. Opinion, fact, truth, commentary…who cares which is which, right?

Plasma Screen Menus at Fast Food Restaurants -- When the shit did all this happen? A couple of months ago, I walked into a McDonalds, and the place was like some sort of post-modern Museum, or a picture from the set of “Demolition Man” or something. There’s a counter, a cash register, and a wall of LCD screens behind you, where the good-old plastic menu board with removable paper slots used to be. And to make things worse, they keep changing, so it takes three or four times as long to figure out what you want to eat now. It’s unnecessary, counterproductive, and technological just for the sake of being technological -- which, in a nutshell, kinda’ describes most of our modern world, anyway.

Radiohead, and Anybody That Listens to Them -- There are a lot of bands out there I hate, but I really, REALLY hate Radiohead. It’s the worst kinda’ hatred too, the kind that you really can’t explain in one or two sentences. It’s a sensorial hatred, I would say, an instinctive hatred that goes far beyond the normal constraints of human reason or understanding. For starters, “Creep” (which gets my vote for single worst thing ever recorded) made whiny-ass-white-boy-rock the default genre standard for the last 20 years, and as far as their critically acclaimed stuff goes -- “OK Computer” and “Kid A” and all that mess -- I honestly don’t know what makes it great, let alone enjoyable listening. As a general rule, people that are into Radiohead tend to be the absolute most boring, herd-minded individuals you’ll ever meet -- a buncha’ pseudo-intellectual dingbats that would listen to the sound of a malfunctioning air conditioner and give it a five star review of you told them Thom Yorke was the person that stuck a nickel in its fan. Avoid Radiohead, Radiohead-like things and especially Radiohead fans, and you’ll probably do pretty well in life, I’d imagine.

Clearly, one of the greatest running back "could've-beens" in NFL history.

People that are STILL Talking About Tim Tebow -- Yeah, he had one or two good games, but ultimately, he had a whole lot more star-breaking performances than stellar ones. Anybody remember that one game against the Bills in Week 16, or that playoff sodomization at the hands of Tom Brady and the Pats in early 2011? He’s a mediocre to under-performing QB, that ONLY gets media attention because even for a professional athlete, he’s an annoying, self-righteous, overly-proselytizing doofus. And remember: this is the same professional sport that gave us both Reggie White AND Ray “Jesus Wants Me to Win the Super Bowl” Lewis.

People on the Internet that Really Hate Justin Bieber -- These people are just utter scumbags, through and through. I understand not liking a musician, but wanting a musician literally DEAD just because you don’t? It’s beyond asinine, and just another indication of how the Internet has totally eroded our abilities to act like civil human beings.

QR Codes in Public Spaces -- AKA, those bar-code thingies you’re supposed to scan with your phone to get advertisements and shit. They’re ugly, intrusive, and every time I see one, it kinda’ makes me want to do a crossword puzzle. Definitely another reason why I’m glad I don’t have a smart phone, even though all 7 billion other people on the planet do.

Bryan Cranston -- The fact that we live in a world where the Dad from “Malcolm in the Middle” is now considered one of Hollywood’s finest thespians says a lot about modernity. And absolutely nothing good, I assure you.

Louis C.K. -- I gave a few of his stand-up routines a try, and I was not impressed. Probably the most overrated comedian on the planet right now, and considering that’s a planet that includes Kevin Hart, that’s probably saying something.

Christopher Nolan -- Way too revered for not doing a whole hell of a lot to being with; I liked “The Dark Knight” better back when it was called “Heat,” personally. Also responsible for this absurd idea that all comic book properties HAVE to be retooled into quasi-realistic film projects: you know, quasi-realistic film projects about JFK, Jr. dressing up like a leather wombat and fighting a terrorist clown using military-stolen weapons he purchased via stockholders’ money. Bonus Dislike Points for making all of that incredibly blunt, pro-neoconservative agitprop at the same time.

People that are ALWAYS Smoking Weed -- Probably the closest thing liberals have to a sub categorization that’s as annoying as the NRA wads. Of all the political and social ills you could be fighting -- wealth inequity, institutional prejudices, systemic injustices, so on and so forth -- you’d have to be a pretty dim bulb to make “weed legalization” your default causa sui. It doesn’t help that my neighborhood is SURROUNDED by weed-smoking dingbats, whom prove once and for all that marijuana has some sort of negative impact on one’s cognitive abilities.

Yeah...that's something I wouldn't mind staring over me while I sleep.

Cats -- I just don’t like them. They’re nowhere near as cute as everybody likes to tell you they are, and unlike dogs, you can’t trust them. That, and they have toxoplasma gondii, which according to whom you ask, may turn you into either a delusional cat-lady OR a really good soccer player.

When My Foot Falls Asleep -- OK, so maybe modern society doesn’t have anything at all to do with this one, but that still doesn’t mean that I can’t hate the ever-loving shit out of it when it does. It always seems to happen at the most inopportune moments as well, like, right when you have to get up and do something important, like walk across a stage to receive an award or when you really, really have to spring towards the commode for a sudden shat. Modern medicine can give an octogenarian a boner, but we haven’t come up with a way to properly address this ailment; that alone is reason enough to prevent me from donating money to ANY sort of scientific research.

Reddit -- Far and away one of the worst websites on the Internet. I’m not sure which aspect of the site I hate more; the fact that’s its almost single-handedly responsible for turning Internet correspondence into a jumble of infantilized blurbs and hackneyed sayings (while at the same time, replacing genuine reflection with the irredeemable scourge of “memes”) OR the fact that it’s goaded so many people that ought to know better into believing it’s a viable source for both news and audience-building. Long story short, Reddit is nothing more than a sounding board for people with various mental illnesses to talk about their oddly specific fetishes and obsessions. If you really want to hate humanity as a whole, just spend about five minutes browsing through some subreddits, and the pan-odium is sure to hit you.

Sports Talk Radio -- Whatever the lowest form of journalism is, I’m pretty sure “sports talk radio” is right underneath it. It’s all a bunch of fat, out-of-shape broadcasters, alongside virtual nobodies with absolutely zero professional sports experiences calling in from home, complaining nonstop about what coaches SHOULD have done and why (insert unpopular local sports figure here) needs to be booted out of town. No matter where you go, these programs are all the same. Especially in the qualifier that they all suck, mostly.

People that Hate on Madden Football -- For whatever reason, this appears to be the most hated video game franchise on the Internet, with many a pissed off IGN reader criticizing the franchise for being nothing more than an annual rehash that doesn’t do anything new with the platform -- this, coming from individuals that do nothing but fellate Nintendo and Square every time they release a Mario or Final Fantasy game that looks, sounds, feels and plays just like the last fifteen that came before it. There are a lot of people out there that are still pissed about the NFL 2K5 deal, even though Madden 2005 was CLEARLY a superior football sim that year and Visual Concepts’ attempt to relaunch its football engine in a next-gen title flopped harder than a live trout tossed off the Willis Tower. Madden at its uncreative worst is still better than a good 98 percent of the titles you’ll find on the Wii U right now, so if you have any beef with the series…well, I don’t really care. And  while I’m at it: “Madden ‘94” is a better game than “Super Metroid,” too -- my 300 or so hours playing the former on my Genesis between the years of 1993 and 1996 being all the evidence I need to corroborate my claim.

How Peyton really spent the 2011-2012 season...

Peyton Manning -- Even before he became a Bronco, I hated him. I hate his big, stupid country accent, and the way he talks like he only has one really big tooth in his head. I especially HATE how all of those numbskulls in the sports media perpetually drone on and on about how great he is, when the fact of the matter is the NFL just puss-ified defenses so much that it makes it nearly impossible for DB’s to cover wideouts or for safeties to target him without counting to fifty first. Also, I hate how omnipresent he is as an ad figure, even though if you ask me, he really should’ve stopped after that “Your defense is offensive” Xbox commercial about a decade ago. The only silver lining here? Every year, I can’t WAIT to watch him throw yet another season-ending interception in the playoffs…

People that are Really, Really Outraged about NSA Spying -- If you do something online, people will find out about it. GET OVER IT. Bonus hypocritical points: these same folks are outraged that the government MAY be spying on their e-mails, but apparently, they have no qualms whatsoever about Facebook and Google mining their personal data and SELLING IT TO ADVERTISERS WITHOUT THEIR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.

People that React Rationally to Unfavorable Sports Outcomes -- These people make me want to vomit. Sports exist solely as a safe outlet for all of us to return to our primitive roots, where savage violence and fierce tribalism supplants things like “common sense” and “caring about laws and stuff.” If your team loses an important game, simply chuckling and saying “oh, well, maybe next year” just doesn’t cut it with me. As we all know, there’s only one response to such occurrences, and that’s tapping into one’s reptilian brain and saying and doing stuff that a caveman would probably say and/or do. If your team gets booted out of the playoffs, and you DON’T break glass, use profanity loudly or set something on fire, you have no business in my culture, amigo.

Buzzfeed -- Next to Reddit, probably the worst thing about the Internet I can think of. In the long term, Buzzfeed is probably worse, because as awful as Reddit may be, they at least make users say a FEW words in the English language before posting whatever stupid and offensive bullshit they find. With Buzzfeed, we’re watching the slow elimination of language altogether, with animated .GIFS and image macros slowly beginning to replace the concept of “sentences” and “paragraphs” as forms of human communication. Perhaps this is the first step in the long, painful process of the written word deteriorating back into pictographs; 30 years from now, the all electronic-version of “The New York Times” will probably supplant “journalism” with “connect-the-dots” and “color-by-number” infographics.

People that use the term “Straw Man” as a political euphemism -- I’ve never encountered a person that’s used the term “straw man” before that WASN’T a pretentious, smug, self-congratulatory spunk-head. If you ever hear someone refer to an oppositional stance as such, take note that you are assuredly in the company of assholes.

Can you spot the incredibly overrated director in this sea of Elvis impersonators?

Quentin Tarantino -- Mostly, for the part about him being Quentin Tarantino.

Civil War Reenactors -- What a boring ass war to dedicate one's spare time to. It's just a bunch of old white dudes, with white beards, running around in blue and brown and pretending to stab each other; I know, that sounds a little cool in principle, but if you've ever seen a Civil War reenactment in person, you know that it's incredibly underwhelming. Why not start staging reenactments of Vietnam instead? At least that one had Chinook helicopters and Punji sticks in it...

White People That Claim Indian Ancestry -- Sometimes referred to as "The Billy Jack Syndrome," this occurs when people who are whiter than a mayonnaise snowflake attempt to reinforce their inherent "Americanism" by claiming to have a certain percentage of Native American blood flowing through their veins. You know, because being 1/64th Choctaw completely negates the other 63/64ths of you being "Anglo-Saxon Dickhead," somehow.

People that are always complaining about modern society, that never offer any constructive solutions as to how to remedy those same problems -- I mean, they are just the worst.

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The Tofurky Roast & Gravy Kit!

Ever wondered what was in one of those big, green shoeboxes? Well, wonder no longer, Internet…

I’ve seen the Tofurky Roast & Gravy kit in the organic section of my local grocery store for the last three Thanksgivings, and this year, I decided to bite the proverbial, tofu-and-soy-based bullet and finally buy one of them.

As something that sort of resembles a vegetarian, there’s not a whole lot of meat-centric foods that I can say that I miss - barring pepperoni, for some inexplicable reason. In my last six meat-less years as a consumer, I really can’t say that I have said to myself “hey, you know what I miss? Turkey!” at any point in time - but seeing as how I’m a dude that obsesses over the most trivial, insignificant of consumer matters, I reckon it was only a matter of time until I plopped down my $9.99 in American dollars for some good old fashioned tofu-gobbler.

Before we move on to the set itself, I guess I need to say a few things about vegetarian-meat substitutions. I’ve tried, and for the most part, enjoyed, some of Tofurky’s other products - and rest assured, vegans, vegetarians and omnivores with REALLY out there tastes - there’s a ton of pseudo-meat on the market for you to sample and most likely abhor. On the general subject of tofu, I acknowledge that most people on the planet hate it with a passion, but what can I say? I’m a dude with rudimentary tastes, and by golly, I like its literally formless, shapeless, texture-less and for the most part, flavorless qualities. And in case you’re wondering, yes, vanilla IS my favorite ice cream flavor, too. I am THAT white bread, apparently.

In assessing Tofurky as a comprehensive product, you have to begin with the packaging itself. As you can see, it’s quite green, and comes with this really neat-looking sticker that says “100% Vegan,” because let’s face it, we all own at least one spiral notebook that could be aesthetically improved by such an adornment. The box tell us that the product is, among other things, “gourmet,” “meatless” and “delicious,” which to me, sounds just a bit cocky. The box also promises that it serves at least five people, but I don’t know - this is a pretty small box to feed that many people, and in case you forgot, goddamn, are American folks some real fatsos.

As far as the rest of the box exterior goes, you’ve got the basic stuff: ingredients, cooking directions and some photos of people that, for reasons which may never make 100 percent sense to anyone, decided to take pictures of themselves holding Tofurky kits while visiting world monuments. Yeah, you laugh now, but admit it: after a really great candy bar, you just know you’d wave that shit in front of the Sphinx, if you could.

Oh, but you don’t know how awesome this stuff is UNTIL you actually open up this thing. Even casual bystanders have at least wondered what actual Tofurky resembles, and the results do anything but disappoint.

The first thing you’ll notice is a paper insert asking you to adopt a real-life turkey. And you better believe, it gets better from there.

The insert gives you a website URL to check out and lists a few facts that are really, really hard to find scientific research behind, like the factoid that turkeys have an emotional spectrum on par with those fostered by cats and dogs and that most turkeys actually have the mental faculties to do simple fractions. Well, I may or may not have made up that last one, but if I was trying to get people to adopt birds that kind of look skinless Predators, I’d be giving the general public as many fantastical facts and figures as I could dream up.

Oh, and on the flip side of the insert? An offer for a Tofurky tee-shirt and a whopping SEVENTY FIVE CENTS off Tofurky-branded products. I like the fact that, by placing the two on literally opposite sides of the same card, the company is FORCING people to make major moral decisions between saving the lives of hideous creatures OR saving almost a dollar on vegetarian salami. I’ve heard of ethical dilemmas before, but this is ridiculous!

And I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the “hidden” advertisements for some of Tofurky’s other products, which are printed on the tucked-in paper flaps that you can only see once the box has been opened. There’s nothing too exciting here - unless tofu ground beef and soy sausage is your idea of heart-pounding - but there does seem to be an all-faux-pepperoni pizza on sale, which I will assuredly be taste-testing at some point in 2013.

As far as the contents within the Tofurky box that contain calories (wait, do corrugated  boxes themselves contain nutritional bric-a-brac?), you’re basically getting two towers of scientifically modified food facsimiles.

The Tofurky roast itself comes wrapped in a plastic ball, about the size of a small cantaloupe. At first glance, it doesn’t look all that heavy, but once you actually lift it, you’ll realize just how hefty the dish really is. It’s not quite bowling-ball-dense, but yeah, you could potentially bludgeon someone with it, if worse came to where.

The gravy, I guess, is a little less intriguing. It’s basically just a plastic cup filled with frozen brown stuff, but once you actually microwave the stuff, you’ll detect a savory odor that, shockingly, seems to smell sort of like gravy.

The back of the box offers a couple of different recipe variations, but I’d advise you to just baste the dish in olive oil and cook as is in a nice, thick tuxedo of Reynolds Wrap. All in all, it’s not a bad wait time - about an hour and a half for a dethawed vegan-friendly butterball - so it gives you plenty of time to whip up other tantalizing entrees, like Spa-Chili and Thai Pizza, in the downtime.

And the final product, shockingly, looks kind of like a roasted turkey chunk. It ends up turning a nice light brown hue, and is stuffed to the gills with a really nice stuffing mix, that tastes just about as good as any “real” stuffing mixture I’ve ever tasted. The gravy is also pretty darned yummy, sort of comparable to the brown gravy you’ll find at KFC. As far as the side entrees go, this Tofurky roast is shockingly similar to a “normal” Thanksgiving banquet; hell, some of your non-vegan friends might even find it edible, for about five minutes, at least.

Which brings us to the Tofurky roast, as a comprehensive dish. One of my friends gave me the absolute best description of the roast’s taste when she said that it tastes just like those Salisbury steaks they used to give you in the cafeteria around Thanksgiving-time back in elementary school. I really can’t say that the Tofurky roast tastes like actual turkey, but it at least tastes like some sort of digestible, quasi-palatable meat-stuff, that, if absolutely nothing else, ought to give you nice, warm, fuzzy thoughts about being eleven again.

As a whole, the Tofurky Roast & Gravy set, surprisingly, isn’t all that bad. The gravy and stuffing is downright phenomenal, and while the roast itself may not taste exactly like a turkey, it at least has a rich, filling texture and flavor that does a good enough job aping some kind of meat as to be edible.

For omnivores, whether or not you’ll dig the dish is a 50/50, but I think most vegetarians and vegans will probably enjoy it. Hey, it’s either this, or just paper plate after paper plate of cranberry sauce, ain’t it?

BONUS TOFURKY VIDEOS! 

My official Tofurky Roast & Gravy unboxing...in high definition!

The unwrapping of a fully cooked Tofurky Roast...also in high definition!

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