2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week Three - SPECIAL PROTEST EDITION!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"The Nothing Makes Any Sense League"

NOTE: In a display of solidarity with the 200 or so NFL players who participated in the weekend's anti-Trump protests during the national anthem, I decided to write this week's column on one knee. And then, in a further display of solidarity with the proud, valiant constituents of the National Football League Players Association, I then drove drunk, slapped my wife and refused to pay child support.  - THNX, MGMT

THE ELITES

#01

Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)

Season Point Differential: +36

At this point, KC running back Kareem Hunt isn't just the frontrunner for offensive rookie of the year, he's probably the odds on favorite for MVP of the whole damn League. His impressive play continued in the Chiefs' 24-10 win over the Chargers, where he had 172 yards and 1 TD on 17 carries. Just three games into his NFL career and he already has 401 rushing yards and is tied with Todd Gurley for most touchdowns on the season with six. And unsurprisingly, K.C. leads the League in rushing yards per game, averaging 162 on the ground every contest.

#02

Atlanta Falcons (3-0)

Season Point Differential: +21

Despite the screwjob finish, the Falcons nonetheless managed to eke out a win against the Lions Sunday, "beating" Detroit 30-26. Our entry on the Lions will go more in-depth on those particular circumstances, but offensively, at least, the Falcons continue to perform quite well; Matt Ryan went 24 for 35 for 294 yards, two TDs and (very uncharacteristically) three interceptions, while running back Davonta Freeman rushed for 106 yards and one score on 21 carries. Oh, and Julio Jones did alright, too, concluding the game with 91 reception yards on seven catches.

#03

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +38

I'm starting to see a pattern with the Jaguars. In week one they blew out the Texans, and in week two they got blown out by the Titans. So considering last Sunday's game in London against the Ravens was on an odd-numbered week, of course Jacksonville was going to win 44-7. Blake Bortles looked great with four TD passes and 244 yards, but Sacksonville's D looked even better, holding Joe Flacco and their patented no-name offense to just 52 passing yards. Which, naturally, probably means the Jags are going to get butt-fucked out of existence by the Jets this weekend, because apparently that's how the world works now.

#04

Los Angeles Rams (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +32

Sure, their home stadium might only be at half capacity, but the L.A. Rams are playing at full force. In their narrow 41-39 Thursday night win over the lowly, lowly 49ers, Jared Goff went 22 for 28 for 292 yards and three passing touchdowns, while Todd Gurley carried the rock 28 times for 113 yards and two scores. Still, not all is right in Rams-World; I mean, these motherfuckers did let Brian Hoyer throw 332 yards against them ...

#05

Detroit Lions (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +22

With eight seconds left on the clock, Golden Tate bounced into the end zone to give Detroit what appeared to be a game winning TD. Alas, further review revealed that Tate had his knee down a couple of inches shy of the end zone edge, and since there is a mandatory ten second run-off after touchdown reviews, the clock was reset to zero and Detroit lost the fucking game 30-26. Well, considering all of the attempts to interject "reality" into the product, the multitudes of screw job finishes and half empty stadiums over the weekend, maybe the NFL is secretly being booked by Vince Russo these days? 

#06

Denver Broncos (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +18

A week after throttling the Cowboys by 17 points, the Broncos came crashing back to reality with a 26-16 loss to the Bills. Trevor Siemian went 24 for 40 for 259 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions, with receivers Demaryius Thomas, Emmanuel Sanders and Bennie Fowler III each getting at least 50 yards on the day. And at least the Broncos kept the pressure up, sacking Tyrod Taylor four times and walloping him after the pass eight more.

#07

Oakland Raiders (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +18

The less said about this game, the better. Apparently too busy thinking about what to do during the national anthem that they forgot to prepare for a football game, the Raiders g0t shellacked 27-10 by the Washington Redskins on prime time television. Perhaps spiteful that their quarterback was the only person who stood up for "The Star Spangled Banner," the Raiders' highly touted offensive line enigmatically collapsed, and Derek Carr got sacked four times and lobbed two interceptions, completing the game with just 118 yards and one TD pass. Oh, and Marshawn didn't do shit, racking up only 18 yards rushing. You can relive the misery anytime you want right here, but I really wouldn't recommend it.

#08

Tennessee Titans (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +17

The run game was the difference maker in the Titans' 33-27 win over the Seahawks Sunday. With 115 yards and one touchdown on 14 carries, Tennessee back DeMarco Murray had almost twice as many yards as the entire combined Seahawks backfield; complemented by Derrick Henry's 54-yard, 13 carry day, Tennessee ultimately outyarded Seattle on the ground by a 195-69 margin.

We now live in a country where standing during the National Anthem is considered "controversial." Thanks a lot, Obama.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +14

Perhaps a little bit disoriented and discombobulated by all that protest nonsense, the Steelers wound up dropping a 23-17 shocker loss to the Bears over the weekend. Big Ben went 22 for 39 for 235 yards and one TD, with top receiver Antonio Brown recording 110 yards and one touchodown on ten catches. But they also royally screwed the pooch in terms of their run game, chalking up a paltry 70 on their own end while allowing Chicago to rack up 220.

#10

Buffalo Bills (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +13

So, uh, are the Bills good now? T-Mobile went 20 for 26 for 213 yards and two TDs in his team's 26-16 win over the Broncos Sunday, and Buffalo's defense managed to record two INTs off Trevor Siemian. Of course, the Bills being the Bills, I'm fairly certain this is just build-up to monumental heartbreak a little bit later down the road, so yeah, don't get too excited there, Buffalo faithful. 

#11

Washington Redskins (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +11

The Redskins positively butt-fucked the Raiders last Sunday night, besting Oakland 27-10. Kirk Cousins finished the game 25 for 30 for 365 yards and three touchdowns, with top receiver Chris Thompson accumulating 150 yards and one TD on six catches. And the defense made a joke out of the Raiders' highly coveted O-line, sacking Derek Carr four times for a cumulative loss of 22 yards.

#12

Minnesota Vikings (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +10

The Vikes rebounded in a big way this past Sunday, besting the Bucs 34-17 in a contest that saw CASE KEENUM of all people go 25 for 33 for 369 yards. Also putting in great showings in the contest for Minnesota? Top back Dalvin Cook (27 carries, 97 yards, 1 TD) and wideout Stefon Diggs, who finished the contest with 173 yards and two touchdowns on eight receptions. 

#13

Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +9

It was a close one, but the Eagles nonetheless managed to stave off the luckless Giants en route to a 27-24 victory over the weekend. Carson Wentz went 21 for 31 for 176 yards and one TD, with the Eagles' running back committee outpacing the G-Men by a ludicrous 193 yard-to-49 yard margin. But yeah, about that secondary letting Eli Manning throw 366 yards on the day ...

#14

Carolina Panthers (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +5

Well, raise your hand if you thought the formerly win-less Saints were going to thump the Panthers 34-13 over the weekend. Cam Newton, in particular, had a really bad showing, going 17 for 26 for 167 yards, no touchdowns and three interceptions. Oh, and he fumbled the ball twice, had six passes deflected and ate dirt behind the line of scrimmage four times for a cumulative negative 28-yard loss. So yeah, all that to say ... glad to see you're feeling more like yourself, Cam!

#15

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)

Season Point Differential: +5

After looking fucking fab last week, Jameis Winston and pals sucked out loud against the Vikes on Sunday, losing to Minnesota by a 17-point margin. In the 34-17 loss, the Bucs' QB went 28 for 40 for 328 yards, two TDs and three interceptions. And hoo boy, did Tampa Bay blow it on both sides of the rushing game. The final ground yardage numbers at the end of the game? Minnesota, 125, Tampa Bay, just 26.

#16

New England Patriots (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +4

Alright, let's talk statistics. I'm seeing a lot of other power rankings out there that have the Patriots listed either number one or number two, so what are they doing ranked at the halfway point on my countdown, you might be asking yourself? Well, the stats don't lie, homey: Tom Brady might be doing his part to ensure the Pats lead the League in passing offense, but by that same token? They're also ranked DEAD FUCKING LAST in total defense, allowing their opponents to average a whopping 461 yards against 'em per game. Sorry - even with Tom Terrific lobbing four  or five TD passes every contest, having a D that atrocious isn't something you can turn a blind eye to.

Damn ... Axel Foley has gotten fat.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Dallas Cowboys (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +2

Three games into the NFL season and we still have no idea which Cowboys team is going to show up. The 'Boys rebounded from last week's 17-point bruising from the Broncos with a 28-17 win over the Cardinals last Monday evening, with Dak Prescott lobbing the rock for 183 yards and two touchdowns on 13 completions. Ezekiel Elliot also looked solid, gaining 80 yards on the ground plus a TD via 22 carries, but that pass defense could use some work: there's no reason for Carson Palmer's old ass to be recording 325 yards a game, doing anything.

#18

Green Bay Packers (2-1)

Season Point Differential: 0

It took some overtime play, but the Packers did manage to avoid the major upset against Cincinnati. In the 27-24 win, Aaron Rodgers went 28 for 42 for 313 yards, three touchdowns and one interception, with Geronimo Allison (yep. that's the name his parents came up with, despite having nine months to mull it over) racking up 122 yards on six receptions. The Packers might want to work on their O-line, though; letting your QB get sacked six times a game ain't exactly a recipe for another Super Bowl run.

#19

Baltimore Ravens (2-1)

Season Point Differential: -3

So what was the catalyst for the Ravens' 44-7 loss to the Jaguars in London? Jet lag? Food poisoning? Was the entire team so distraught over Donald Trump's criticisms that they were left literally shaking and unable to play pro football? Either way, giving up 244 passing yards to Blake goddamn Bortles is unforgivable, as is the piss poor quarterbacking from both Joe Flacco (8 for 18 for 28 yards and two INTs) and Ryan Mallett (six for nine for 36 yards and one utterly meaningless TD.)

#20

New Orleans Saints (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -5

Well, Drew Brees had a great day against Carolina in the Saints' 34-13 victory. He lobbed the rock for 220 yards and three touchdowns, in the process completing 22 out of 29 passes. And because I really can't think of anything to say about the rest of the game, I'll just list the top rusher and receiver and their stats: Mark Ingram (56 yards and one TD on 14 carries) and Michael Thomas (87 yards and one touchdown on seven receptions.)

#21

Seattle Seahawks (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -11

Neither the Titans or the Seahawks decided to show up for the national anthem performance, and from the looks of it, the Seahawks decided to not show up for the game itself either. Sure, sure, Russell Wilson did lob the rock for 373 yards and four touchdowns, but he also fumbled the ball away twice and went a mediocre 29 for 49 on pass attempts. Coupled with a lethargic run game, it's no surprise Seattle wound up dropping the game 33-27, really.

#22

Miami Dolphins (1-1)

Season Point Differential: -19

The Fins got poached by the formerly win-less Jets last Sunday, losing 20-6 in a fairly lifeless performance. Jay Cutler reverted to his true self in the outing, going 26 for 44 for 220 yards and a 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio. And the run game was practically non-existent; at the final horn, the Dolphins only had 30 rushing yards on the day, with top back Jay Ajayi only recording 16 yards on 11 carries. 

#23

New York Jets (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -20

Holy shit, not only did the Jets actually WIN a game over the weekend, they won convincingly over AFC East rivals Miami 20-6. Josh McCown went 18 for 23 for 249 yards and one TD pass, while New York's running back corps racked up 103 total yards on 34 carries. Leading all receivers in the game was Robby Anderson, who racked up 95 yards and one TD on only three catches.

#24

Arizona Cardinals (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -20

The Cards kept it kinda sorta close against Dallas on Monday night, but they still wound up dropping the contest 28-17. Carson Palmer went 29 for 48 for 325 yards and two touchdowns, but he also got sacked six times for a cumulative loss of 42 yards. And the run game was not even close to being productive; at the final horn, the Cardinals could only muster 49 yards on the ground, with no rushing touchdowns.

...says the man making billions of dollars off black people giving each other brain damage.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Houston Texans (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -21

Well, the Texans came dangerously close to upsetting the Pats over the weekend, but alas, New England still managed to outdo 'em 36-33. Deshaun Watson did pretty good in the loss, finishing the game with 301 yards and a two-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, and Houston's running back committee impressively outran New England's rushers by a 125-to-59 yard margin. Alas, there is something seriously amiss about this team's defense: even if they did sack Tom Brady five times over the course of the game, that doesn't really make up for letting him toss FIVE touchdown passes and rack up 378 yards in the air. 

#26

Chicago Bears (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -22

Don't ask me how, but the Bears were somehow able to beat the Steelers 23-17 Sunday, this despite QB Mike Glennon finishing the game 15 for 22 for only 101 yards. Oh, wait, I remember how they won: because Jordan Howard had 138 yards and two touchdowns on 23 carries, while the Bears' second most productive running back (Tarik Cohen) STILL had eight more rushing yards than the entire Pittsburgh running back committee. 

#27

Indianapolis Colts (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -37

Well, somebody had to win Sunday's battle of 0-2 teams when the Colts clashed with the Browns, and Indianapolis found themselves walking out of the contest with the W. In the narrow 31-28 victory, Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 17 for 24 for 243 yards and one TD, while receiver T.Y. Hilton finished the game with 153 yards and one touchdown on seven catches. And because the Gods of the Gridiron really love us, the Colts' next game will be a prime time Sunday night contest against the Seahawks, which will undoubtedly seek to rewrite the dictionary entry on what "ugly" looks like. 

#28

Los Angeles Chargers (0-3)

Season Point Differential: -19

It's not exactly a title they should embrace, but the Chargers remain the best team without a win in pro football. Alas, their 24-10 loss to the Chiefs was their worst loss of the season thus far, with Phillip Rivers going 20 for 40 for 237 yards, zero touchdowns and three interceptions. But on the bright side? At least L.A.'s defenders managed to sack Alex Smith five times, I suppose.

#29

Cleveland Browns (0-3)

Season Point Differential: -20

It's official - the Cleveland Browns are Charlie Brown. Yet again, the team everybody forgets is technically an expansion squad from 1999 lost a heartbreaker, their latest coming in the form of a 31-28 loss to Indianapolis. I reckon head coach Hue Jackson is mighty nervous right about now; odds are, this upcoming Sunday's game against the also-winless Bengals is likely to be a "loser leaves town" match ...

#30

San Francisco 49ers (0-3)

Season Point Differential: -25

Well, the Niners at least attempted  a comeback against the Rams last Thursday night. In the 41-39 loss, Brian Hoyer went 23 for 37 for 332 yards, two touchdowns and one interception, while back Carlos Hyde scored two touchdowns and finished the game with 84 yards on the day. And the defense did sorta kinda go after the QB, registering seven hits and five deflections, so there is that, I guess. 

#31

Cincinnati Bengals (0-3)

Season Point Differential: -27

The Bengals came very, very close to beating the Packers, but they ultimately hunched the pooch and lost the affair 27-24 in overtime. The sad thing is Andy Dalton actually had his best performance of the season thus far in the failing bid, going 21 for 27 for 212 yards and two touchdowns, with top wideout A.J. Green chalking up 111 yards and one TD on 10 catches. The good news for Cincy? Since they're taking on the Browns next week, there's a guarantee at least somebody will be exiting the game with positive integers on the left side of the win-loss column. Unless there's a tie, which, let's face it, is probably a 50-50 likelihood. 

#32

New York Giants (0-3)

Season Point Differential: -33

Well, here we are. Following Sunday's heartbreaking 27-24 loss to the Eagles, the New York Football Giants are still sans a W. Sure, Eli Manning had more than 350 passing yards and OBJ had two really neat-looking touchdowns and Sterling Shepherd had 133 receiving yards on the day, but for whatever reason, this team just couldn't seal the deal down the stretch. Will the team's luck change this Sunday against the Buccaneers? Well, if it doesn't, expect some heads to start rolling at the Giants' executive offices ...

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LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play From Week 3's Raiders vs. Redskins Game!

This Week's Episode:

"Paleface score heap points - a.k.a., let's all take a (Wounded) Knee"

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including today's road game against Washington. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Sept. 24 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 3's Raiders vs. Redskins game, with the festivities beginning at 8 p.m. eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter) 

3:33 PM - We're about five hours from kickoff, but I've got some free time so I'll just hurry up and lay out the pregame statistics.

3:34 PM - For the Raiders, safety Sean Smith is questionable. For the Redskins, safety Montae Nicholson, linebacker Mason Foster, running back Rob Kelley, tight end Jordan Reed and cornerback Josh Norman are all gametime decisions.

3:37 PPM - The Raiders are three point favorites and the under/over is set at 53.5. ESPN's Pro Football Index says the Raiders have a 50.8 percent chance of winning the game and there's a 0.4 percent chance of a tie. 

3:39 PM - Heading into tonight's game Derek Carr has 5 TDs and 492 passing yards. Kirk Cousins has two TDs, 1 INT and 419 yards. 

3:40 PM - Oakland's top rusher is Marshawn Lynch (121 yards, 1 TD) while Washington's most productive back is Rob Kelley (108 yards.) The Raiders' top receiver is Michael Crabtree (three touchdowns, 163 yards) and the Redskins' top receiver is Terrelle Pryor (97 yards) - who, as fate would have it, was the Raiders' starting QB just four seasons ago.

7:37 PM - Time for an update about an hour ahead of kickoff. Sean Smith has been upgraded to ACTIVE for tonight's game. Meanwhile, Jordan Reed and Rob Kelley have both been ruled inactive for the contest.

7:38 PM - And a few more numbers while we have the time. The Raiders are posting 246 passing yards a game and 144.5 rushing yards per game. For the Redskins the numbers are 209.5 yards passing per game and 146.5 yards rushing (but remember, they are without their best running back tonight.)

7:40 PM - And in terms of defense? The Raiders are allowing 211 passing yards per game and 110.5 yards rushing per game. The Redskins are allowing 277 yards passing per game and 77.5 yards per game rushing. 

7:41 PM - Overall, the Raiders are putting up 35.5 points per game and allowing 18. The Redskins are putting up 22 per game and allowing 25.

7:51 PM - Now Donald Penn's talking shit about Donald Trump. Man, what a time to be alive; a world in which *standing* for a tribute to dead soldiers is considered "offensive."

8:29 PM - Derek Carr was the only Raider standing for the anthem. And even then, it looked more like he was praying than doing anything else. 

8:30 PM - As it turns out, if the Raiders were to have stayed in the locker room, they would have been penalized 15 yards and forfeited the coin toss. And now Chris Collins is flapping his gums against Trump. 

8:31 PM - Oh, that's right, we have an actual football game to accompany all this virtue signalling bullshit. Raiders get possession first at their own 25 following a touchback.

8:32 PM - Lynch runs it up the gut for about three.

8:32 PM - Second and 7. Monte Nicholson with an interception. That's Carr's first INT of the season.

8:33 PM - They're reviewing whether Nicholson got touched by Cooper after the INT. Apparently, he did, so that negates his runback.

8:34 PM - Still reviewing it. Alright, that puts the ball back 25 yards.

8:36 PM - At the WSH 33. Khalil Mack gobbles up the back after a short pick-up.

8:37 PM - Second and eight. Washington's rookie back gets a short gain.

8:37 PM - Third and six. Vernon Davis gets bounced out of bounds at the OAK 47. That's a 26-yard pass.

8:38 PM - The back gets hit right at the line.

8:39 PM - Second and 9. Crowder gets enough to move the chains.

8:39 PM - Samaje Perine runs it up the gut. 

8:40 PM - Second and six. Perine gets hit right at the line.

8:40 PM - Third and five. And Thompson gallops in for a TD.

8:41 PM - The PAT is good. The Redskins lead it 7-0.

8:44 PM - That's going to be a touchback. Raiders get it back at their own 25.

8:45 PM - Lynch runs it for three.

8:46 PM - Second and seven. And Carr gets sacked.

8:46 PM - Third and 13. And Carr gets sacked AGAIN. Raiders have to punt.

8:50 PM - A five yard gain for Perine on first down.

8:51 PM - Cousins hit as he throws, but the tight end still makes the catch. 

8:51 PM - Good pressure from Mario Edwards, Jr. Third and nine. A flag is down.

8:52 PM - False start against the offense. That's a five yard penalty against Washington.

8:53 PM - Crowder makes the catch but he's three yards shy of moving the sticks. Flags are down.

8:53 PM - Pass interference against the offense. The Raiders decline. Redskins have to punt.

8:54 PM - Richard goes down at the OAK 11.

8:56 PM - Patterson gets almost nine on the run.

8:56 PM - Second and two. Incomplete to Cook.

8:57 PM - Third and 2. And Lynch gets dropped well short of the first down marker.

8:58 PM - Raiders punt. The return man fair catches it at the WSH 19.

9:01 PM - Perine gets maybe a yard on the run.

9:02 PM - Yep, Perine is that kid from Oklahoma. Second and 8. Flags everywhere. It's offsides on the Redskins.

9:02 PM - Second and 13. Caught by Ryan Grant at the WSH 31.

9:03 PM - Conley got beat bad on that one. Cousins hit as he's thrown, but Pryor makes the catch.

9:03 PM - Second and three. Looks like Perine got hit by a loss.

9:04 PM - Third and six. The pass is too high. Redskins are forced to punt.

9:05 PM - Richard fair catches it at the OAK 22.

9:06 PM - Crabtree drops the pass.

9:06 PM - Second and 10. Lynch rumbles for about five.

9:07 PM - Third and five. And Amari Cooper hauls in the pass to give Carr his first completion of the game. But flags are down.

9:08 PM - It's a holding call against the Raiders. Time to scooch back ten yards.

9:09 PM - And that's the end of the quarter.

9:11 PM - Third and nine. And Cooper can't reel it in. Raiders must punt.

9:12 PM - The Redskins down it at their own 16.

9:13 PM - Davis scrambles for about seven. Flags are down.

9:14 PM - Holding against the Redskins. It's on Pryor. 

9:15 PM - First and 20. Perine takes it for about 10.

9:15 PM - Second and 11. Thompson runs for about four.

9:15 PM - Third and three. So I guess that last run was longer than four yards. AND COUSINS GETS SACKED BY MACK!

9:16 PM - Richard gets wrapped up at the OAK 30. 

9:20 PM - Cook takes a pass about eight, maybe nine yards.

9:21 PM - Neutral zone infraction against Washington. So the Raiders get an automatic first down.

9:21 PM - Lynch runs for about one yard.

9:21 PM - Second and nine. Lynch with about seven yards on a catch.

9:21 PM - Third and one. And Carr throws ANOTHER interception. 

9:23 PM - Perine runs for about nine.

9:23 PM - The back gets about three yards on run.

9:24 PM - Grant runs enough for a first down.

9:24 PM - Perine runs for about eight.

9:25 PM - Pryor gets both feet in for a huge gain.

9:26 PM - Perine gets maybe a yard on the first down run.

9:26 PM - Davis with a short gain.

9:27 PM - Third and six. And Crowder gets enough to move the sticks.

9:27 PM - Perine takes it to the OAK 15.

9:28 PM - Second and six. Crowder hit right at the line.

Your pick: virtue signal or actually win fucking football games.

9:29 PM - Third and nine. And there's Vernon Davis for the touchdown. 

9:30 PM - The PAT is good. Redskins extend their lead to 14-0.

9:33 PM - Raiders take the touchback. 

9:33 PM - Richard runs for about 11. 

9:34 PM - Richard gets four on the catch.

9:34 PM - Richard hit for a huge loss on second and 6.

9:35 PM - Third and 13. Olawale is in the backfield. And there's the two minute warning.

9:38 PM - Third and 13. Seth Robert picks up the pass, but he's why short of the first down marker.

9;40 PM - Raiders punt again.

9:42 PM - Redskins take over at their own 15. Thompson with a 13-yard run.

9:43 PM - Thompson takes it up to midfield before being pushed out of bounds.

9:44 PM - That was a 23 yard gain. It's incomplete on second down.

9:44 PM - Thompson runs it up the gut for a short gain. The Skins take a timeout.

9:45 PM - Third and six. Looks like Davis is a yard shy. But the refs give Washington a good spot so it's a de facto first down.

9:46 PM - Now they're going to look at the spot of the ball.

9:48 PM - Now the refs are saying it's short. The clock has been rolled back to 39 seconds.

9:48 PM - Fourth and inches. The Skins take a delay of game penalty.

9:50 PM - Skins punt. TJ Carrie fair catches it inside the Raiders' 15.

9:51 PM - The Raiders just take a knee, and that's it for the first half.

9:52 PM - Well, this game has been an absolute disaster for the Raiders thus far. Derek Carr has been sacked twice, thrown two interceptions and recorded only five completions for 32 yards. Their run game isn't do much better, having accumulated just 24 yards of ground offense after two quarters of play.

9:53 PM - Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins has thrown two TDs and racked up 173 passing yards, while Perine alone has 11 more yards than Oakland's entire backfield.

9:53 PM - The Raiders REALLY have to get their shit together. But then again, this IS what happens when you spend all day trying to figure out the best way to symbolically say "Fuck Trump" instead of adequately preparing for the job you're paid to do.

10:08 PM - Raiders challenging whether or not Thompson was down seven yards earlier than the refs have ruled.

10:09 PM - And that's exactly what the refs declare. The ball goes back a couple. 

10:10 PM - Perine runs up the middle for a few. Offense gets hit with a holding call.

10:11 PM - First and 20. Thompson goes nowhere.

10:11 PM - Second and 20. Thompson runs for about 15. 

10:12 PM - Third and five. Yep, Thompson converts.

10:13 PM - And a rookie receiver just reeled in a 52-yard TD. FUCK THIS TEAM.

10:14 PM - The kick is good. Washington leads, 21-0.

10:16 PM - Carr is sacked. That's number three on the day.

10:18 PM - Lynch gets four yards on the run.

10:19 PM - And Carr is sacked AGAIN.

10:20 PM - Raiders punt. Crowder takes it to the OAK 40.

10:21 PM -Third and three for Washington. Amerson breaks up the pass.

10:25 PM - Well, at least the kicker fucked up the field goal. Still 21-0, Washington.

10:28 PM - Raiders take over around their own 40. 

10:29 PM - Second and 10. Cook takes it to the OAK 48.

10:29 PM - Third and three. Roberts is hit behind the line.

10:30 PM - Raiders have to punt. Again.

10:30 PM - Thankfully, James Crowser (the white guy who looks like frat boy Thor) recovers Crowder's muffed punt. 

10:31 PM - The Raiders take over at the WSH 20. 

10:31 PM - And Lynch is hit WAY behind the line.

10:31 PM - Second and 13. Cook with what appears to be a touchdown haul. But a flag is down.

10:32 PM - It's holding against the Redskins. The Raiders, obviously, decline it and take the six points. 

10:34 PM - Tavecchio's kick is good. It's 21-7, Washington.

10:37 PM - The Redskins take the touchback. Perine gets maybe a yard.

10:38 PM - Second and nine. The pass is incomplete.

10:38 PM - Third and nine. Cousins runs for a new set of downs. But an offensive holding takes it back.

10:39 PM - Third and 19 now. And Thompson takes it 74 yards to the OAK 10.

10:40 PM - Second and goal. Perine gets half the distance. 

10:42 PM - Third down and goal. Crowder hit at the line.

10:43 PM - Redskins bring the field goal unit out.

10:43 PM - And the Skins let the clock run out. That's the end of the third.

10:46 PM - The kick is good. Washington leads, 24-7. 

10:47 PM - Patterson takes it to the 22. 

10:48 PM - Crabtree gets about seven on the catch.

10:48 PM - Second and three. Washington runs to move the sticks. Flags are down.

10:48 PM - Holding on the Raiders. That's a ten yard penalty.

10:49 PM - Third and 12. And Crabtree can't hold on to the deep shot. 

10:51 PM - Raiders punt.

10:54 PM - Perine loses the ball at the 11, and the Raiders RECOVER. That was Cowser with his SECOND fumble recovery of the game.

10:55 PM - Also, it looks like Perine is hurt.

10:56 PM - Flags EVERYWHERE in the end zone.

10:56 PM - It's against Washington. That puts Raiders pretty much at the one yard line. 

10:56 PM - Cook's pass is broken up.

10:57 PM - Second and goal. The end zone shot towards Patterson is broken up.

10:58 PM - Third and goal. Donald Penn falls down, so Carr just throws it away. Time for a field goal.

10:59 PM - The Italian makes it. It's 24-10, Redskins.

11:02 PM - Redskins takeover at their own 25. The new running back is Matt Brown, and he goes nowhere. 

11:03 PM - Second and nine. Crowder takes it to about midfield.

11:03 PM - Thompson runs for about nine.

11:04 PM - The back goes up the gut for  first down.

11:05 PM - Brown takes it to the OAK 20.

11:06 PM - Second and four. The back doesn't get far.

11:07 PM - Third and four. The Skins take a timeout.

11:11 PM - Third and four. Cousins scrambles, but he can't make it past the first down marker.

11:11 PM - Fourth and 2. The Redskins kick it through the uprights. It's 27-10, Washington.

11:15 PM - Almost intercepted on a bobbled pass.

11:16 PM - Patterson catches it along the sideline for a seven yard gain.

11:16 PM - Fourth and three. Carr runs and slides into the OAK 40.

11:18 PM - Washington with a three yard gain.

11:18 PM - Great, Michael Crabtree has some kind of chest injury. Second and 7. The pass to Roberts is no good. Flag down.

11:19 PM - It's against the Raiders. Second and 17. Walford barely gets past the line of scrimmage.

11:20 PM - Third and 18. He overthrows Cooper on a long shot.

11:21 PM - False start call against the Raiders.

11:21 PM - Fourth and 23. Roberts fumbles the ball away, and it's turnover on downs. 

11:22 PM - There's the two minute warning.

11:31 PM - And that's the ball game. Our final score from Landover, Mary? Redskins 27, Raiders 10.

11:32 PM - Good job, you buncha' fucks. You really earned this one.

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