The Nintendo Switch Sucks And I Hope It Bankrupts The Company

Why the Big N's latest hardware is destined to be a colossal failure ... and why this time, the company may never recover from the financial disaster.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

Considering my far from secretive love of all things Sega, it would be rather easy to write off all my musings as the rantings and ravings of a biased fanboy whenever I criticize (well, more like condemn) Nintendo. 

But the fact of the matter? When it comes to just how badly the Big N is fucking up nowadays, you can't say I didn't warn you (raise your hand if you predicted the abysmal hardware failure of the Wii U back in 2012!)

The thing is, Nintendo fans are the Bernie Sanders supporters of the video game world (I used to use the Ron Paul analogy, but despite the divergent political comparison points, the simile still works.) For starters, since all they ever do is circle jerk each other, they never, ever leave their little fanboy enclave, so they totally overstate just how many like-minded dildos and dweebs there are in the world like them. Secondly, they're still acting like Mario and Zelda are totally untouchable platinum pillars of interactive entertainment, when in reality those series have been stuck in tailspin mode for at least a decade. They're literally the only people out there that still vaunt and value archaic franchises like Metroid and Mario Kart and have actually convinced themselves that everybody outside the Nintendo cum bubble is secretly envious and revere their legacy games when in reality, don't nobody anywhere give a shit about Animal Crossing or Star Fox no more.  The only people who think Nintendo is still relevant in this, the post iPhone and iPad era, are the clueless, delusional Nintendo nuthuggers who have tricked their brains into accepting underwhelming crap like Splatoon and Super Mario Maker as alleged "AAA titles." For fuck's sake, Nintendo didn't even reap the bulk of the profits from the one successful thing they've done since the Wii came out ... clearly, this is a digital empire in decline if there ever was one. (And for those of you who want to give me a lecture about the "success" of the 3DS, just remember - the original PSP still has it beat by a good 15 million sales.)

So, Nintendo - as a company, a brand name, and a developer of video games - is pretty much the multimedia equivalent of everybody's favorite senile, 70-something communist from New Hampshire. Nothing either of them propose would work, they don't know a goddamn thing about how mainstream Americans think and both are depressingly stuck in the past, hopelessly clinging onto their gilded age accomplishments like the triumphs of 1994 mean anything to anybody except their most rabid of autistic cult members. 

Or, to put it another way - Nintendo, much like the prospects of a Bernie Sanders presidency, is doomed. 

Yeah, everybody keeps telling me the same old tired shit about Nintendo having so much money in cash reserves so they'll never go out of business (although that allegedly astronomical amount - $4.6 billion as of early last year - doesn't sound nearly as safe and secure when you realize all it took was one economic downturn to make a $640 billion dollar company like Lehman Brothers vanish overnight) but let's cut the bullshit, why don't we? The Big N expected to sell 100 million Wii-U units, but they could barely move 13 million. Just six months into 2016, they were reportig operating losses of nearly $400 million. And the same year, Nintendo saw its stocks plunge to their lowest levels since 1990.

This is a company in deep, deep dookie. And after their most embarrassing commercial fuck-up since the Virtual Boy, how did they respond? By literally sinking all their money into the VERY SAME disaster of a consumer product that put them in the hole to begin with. 

Mark my words, kids: the Nintendo Switch is going to be an even bigger commercial dud than the Wii U. The entire gimmick is fucking stupid, the third party support - again - isn't going to be there (why play watered down versions of Call of Duty and Madden when you can play the REAL versions of those games on a REAL console in your living room?) and the first party games are all going to be major, major disappointments. Nowhere is the substandard prospects of this ill, ill-conceived boondoggle of a video game machine apparent than its launch line-up: you know, the one with a grand total of six retail games. 

Hoo-boy, what do we have here? Another Zelda game sure to disappoint (although all of the hardcore Nin-tards will convince themselves it's better than Ocarina of Time, only to come out 10 years later and refer to it as a piece of over-hyped shit like Twilight Princess), a fucking Bomberman game that has the exact same gameplay as you'd find on a TurboGrafx-16 game released 25 years ago, a glorified re-do of a homebrew game (whose overrated inspiration sucked out loud), a fucking Skylanders game, some stupid dancing title and a glorified tech demo. But hey, what about all of these back-up launch titles, like a barely spruced up re-release of Mario Kart, a Puyo Puyo variation on Tetris, a crappy first person cartoon boxing game that won't work and all those lite-RPGs you could probably run on a PS Vita with no problem? Holy shit, we'll be playing those games for decades to come, no doubt. 

And don't give me none of that crap about how this time - for real, ya'll - Electronic Arts and Bioware and Square-Enix and Atlus are going to finally come through and deliver AAA titles for the platform. Nintendo has fucked over every company that's made anything halfway worth a damn on their systems since the Gamecube, and they sure as shit aren't going to start bringing da' muthafuckin' ruckus for a piece of hardware whose big selling point is you take the sides off of it and use it as a really clunky tablet.

Seriously, am I the only person who sees the glorious structural design problem there? This thing is engineered so clumsily, it's pretty much a lock to be the Edsel of video game systems. People, by nature, are fumbling sorts. Just how many people out there do you think are going to break apart their machine to play it on the go, only to misplace their essential controller pieces and make the whole goddamn kit and caboodle totally worthless? Forget people swinging their Wii-motes into their TV sets ... that little design oversight is going to make Nintendo a laughingstock for years and years.

The stunning visuals in Super Mario meets Katamari Damacy truly are some of the best to ever appear on the Gamecube!

The Switch is one of those things like "New Coke," that in hindsight, can't be seen as anything other than a gargantuan mistake - the kind where you can't help but wonder how in the world the people responsible for the blunder couldn't have realized what they were doing was an all-time commercial fuck-up from the outset. It's hard to believe a company with so many veteran, video game businessmen agreed to double down on Nintendo's greatest marketing snafu in 20 years (or why Nintendo loyalists think the thing would've been a success at all), but therein lies some pivotal business wisdom we can all benefit from. 

Since we're talking about a video game company fucking up, I suppose it's only fitting that I use another video game analogy to dissect the great big error Nintendo has committed in the wake of the DS. You kids ever play Treasure's Advance Guardian Heroes on the GBA? Well, you should, not only because it is a kick-ass beat-em-up, but because it has this thing called "devil mode" in it. Now, what in the world is "devil mode," you may be wondering? Well, it's this feature in the game where - rather than start the game all over again - you can literally sell your soul to Satan and become invincible for about five minutes. Naturally, this sounds like a pretty awesome deal - you come across a really hard-ass boss you can't beat, he keeps killing your ass so you more or less turn on the no-kill Game Genie cheat and fuck him up something wicked. The catch - and you knew there was a catch somewhere - is that once your five minutes of "devil mode" invincibility are up, your character just keels over, Lucifer claims your soul for all eternity and it's game over.

Well, in regards to Nintendo, the Wii was their corporate "devil mode," so to speak. By catering - if not flat out pandering - to the casual non-gaming sphere, they certainly opened the floodgate for cheaper, shoddier games to proliferate en masse. Now, had the softcore, women and children-oriented offerings on the Wii and DS not been as successful, perhaps the first wave of iPhone games - shit like Fruit Ninja and Words With Friends and especially Angry Birds - wouldn't have been as popular or lucrative. By focusing on mass appeal shitware games, Nintendo inadvertently drove the dagger through their own hearts, since it was only a matter of time before some other hardware merchant was to come around and do casual gaming even better. 

The funny thing is, what killed Nintendo's post-Wii success wasn't the expected rivals Sony or Microsoft, but Apple and Google. The rise of iPhone and iPad gaming naturally meant a boon for developers of low-power, minimal gameplay products, and since the adoption rate of smart phones and tablets is way higher than any proprietary gaming system, of course all of the shovelware casual game merchants would abandon the Wii/3DS platform for the far more lucrative iOS and Droid markets. The casual gaming market Nintendo abandoned the hardcore for with the Wii, Wii-U and 3DS - women and kids and old fucks - have since moved on to the new portables of gaming, which, in addition to delivering them precisely the kind of low-intensity, low-challenge games they enjoy, also offer them a litany of other social and business applications that "dedicated" video game platforms just can't supply. And oh yeah - it fits in their pants pocket and they can take it with them literally everywhere they go.

Even Ray Charles can see why the Switch is such a horribly stupid idea, and he's dead. You see, Nintendo thinks people play iPhone and iPad games because they are mobile and usually incorporate some sort of delayed WiFi multiplayer element - hence, this horrible, horrible console unveiling video that shows millennials breaking out the controllers for NBA 2K pick-up games at basketball courts and carrying their machines over to rooftop keggers to play Mario Kart. No, you pedophile-supporting, literal hooker hiring 'tards, people enjoy smart phone games because they're on the machines they spend eight-to-nine-hours a day looking at already. They don't absorb themselves into the games for hours on end like dedicated Madden or Elder Scrolls or Forza players, they just need quick and easy hits of instant virtual gratification to ward of the daily rigors of modern ennui. You can play a game for ten minutes, hop off, check Facebook, and go back to cooking dinner or taking a shit or watching Grey's Anatomy or whatever else you do with your life. Whereas commercial console gaming is all about software commitment, the new-wave mobile games succeed by extolling themselves as nothing more than glorified, low-quality time killers. So, in short, the sort of deep, nuanced, intricate gameplay Nintendo used to be known for back in the NES and SNES days is quite literally incompatible with the iPad-era definition of portable gaming.

Yeah, you won't be seeing this happening in public. Ever.

And on the issue of multiplayer gaming, I've never in my life seen a bunch of smart phone wielding neer-do-wells gathered in a physical space to enjoy any kind of competitive  smart phone/tablet game. Pokemon GO is an outlier, but again, that's already proven itself to be a short-term (dare I say it, devil-mode-esque?) fad that Nintendo barely profited from. The likelihood of Nintendo replicating that success with the Switch is practically zero, since the whole Pokemon GO craze hinged on the fact that the hardware adoption rate to play the game was already high ... if not culturally ubiquitous. Unless Nintendo plans on going cross-platform - which means partnering with Apple and Google, something they almost assuredly would never do under their current leadership structure - there is no way in hell the company can do anything even remotely comparable to Pokemon GO. 

That, and no one has really explained how the Switch improves upon the atrocious Wii-U dedicated console/portable hybrid concept. Indeed, if anything, the Switch represents an even worse variation on the concept, which has no successful analogue in any kind of electronics industry anywhere. Factor in the exorbitant $300 day one price tag ... plus the dearth of quality, exclusive games throughout the hardware's first year on the market ... and you have all the makings of an all-time legendary product failure staring directly at you.

There might be some good games released on the Switch. That one Mario game that has him running around in Grand Theft Auto and appropriating Hispanic Day of the Dead culture at least looks fairly fun, and I've been yearning for Syberia III for almost as long as I've been yearning for Shenmue III (except, you know, with not as much enthusiasm.) And first person Super Street Fighter II is the kind of idea so incredibly stupid, you can't help but appreciate the absurdity of its existence. But the rest of the setlist, to put it mildly, flat out swallows. Minecraft variations and re-releases of years-old Disgaea games and generation-behind ports of Skyrim and Dragon Quest and shitty lite-strategy games like Has-Been Heroes and watered down minimal upgrades of Fire Emblem and BlazBlue? For every halfway decent-looking game like Xenoblade Chronicles 2 you're going to get three dozen turds like Cube Life and Farming Simulator and Stardew Valley. The ratio of great to shit games is likely to be even higher than the ratio of the Wii, and somehow, the third-party support - where are you, E.A. and Rockstar? - is even more scant than on the Wii-U. 

Whether or not the Switch will be a marketing failure isn't even a question anymore. The real question is just how big of a product dud this stupid fucking thing is going to be, and if I were a betting man, I'd venture to guess this thing won't even crack 10 million lifetime unit sales. Hell, it may not even eclipse the lifetime sales of the Dreamcast, which may indeed be the most fitting fate imaginable for the Big N. 

At least Sega went down with a dedication to hardcore, innovative and quality games, while Nintendo's hardware waterloo will forever be associated with a crappily-designed, under-powered retread of a console glutted with god-awful ports, shovelware and disappointing first party releases. 

Sega failed, but at least they failed with their heads hung high. With the disaster-in-waiting known as the Switch, however, Nintendo is destined to for a commercial manufacturing demise not unlike the one experienced by their former arch-rival ... only they're planning on going out with their eyeballs swollen shut and their tongues splayed out over the floor.

From the undisputed kings of video gaming to a cash-hemorrhaging, woefully out of touch market-blinded laughingstock. One day, the history books will reflect on the launch of the Switch as the beginning of the terminal cancer that eventually upended the Nintendo empire.

Alas, I wouldn't shed too many tears, Nintards. After all, theirs is a gruesome demise they wholeheartedly brought upon themselves.

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How Super Smash Bros. Reveals Your Hidden Mental Illnesses

Not only is Nintendo’s landmark mascot brawler an enjoyable multiplayer experience…it’s a also a handy guide to diagnosing your friends’ undiscovered psychiatric conditions.

Released in spring 1999, “Super Smash Bros.” is not only one of the most beloved Nintendo 64 games of all-time, but indeed the origin point of one of the most popular franchises in video gaming history. While fighting games starring mascot characters was really nothing at all new (years earlier, Sega had released both “Sonic the Fighters” and “Fighters Megamix”), the Nintendo love-in was an instant success, a skillful combination of self referential humor and simplistic (yet highly addictive) multi-tiered combat. While many gamers state that the secret to the game’s popularity is its accessible nature and crossover novelty, I believe there’s a secondary reason as to why the N64 title was such a hit with the masses: namely, the fact that it was a secret diagnostic tool that allowed players to get a glimpse inside the veiled psyches of their best buds.

There’s this thing called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly referred to as the DSM), which is published by the American Psychological Association (APA). The most recent edition, the DSM-5, was published last year. As the title implies, it’s basically the bible of modern psychiatry, containing a list of virtually every mental disorder under the sun, and the (mostly) stringent criteria one most meet in order to be diagnosed with a particular condition.

Upon flipping through the DSM-5, it became apparent to me that all 12 playable characters in “Super Smash Bros.” had certain characteristics that could feasibly qualify said characters for particular mental health diagnoses. As such, I quickly drew up a flowchart linking the characters with corresponding DSM-5 certified mental disorders; take a look below at your (and your friends’) preferred SSB avatar -- colloquially referred to as "mains" in common gamer lingo --  and let the questioning of your respective sanities commence…

If your favorite character is Captain Falcon, then your hidden mental illness is:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

According to the APA, Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves expectations of constant positive reinforcement and recognition as a superior specimen, alongside an infatuation with personal power and ability (whether or not said person actually possesses the kind of power and ability he or she thinks they do.)

Now, per the game “F-Zero: GP Legend,” the namesake “Captain Falcon” is a title bestowed upon the best racer in the universe -- a moniker, it is perhaps worth mentioning, that the character canonically known as “Captain Falcon” in Nintendo media practically bestowed upon himself. In “F-Zero: GX,” Captain Falcon has become something of an Axl Rose-ish recluse, a character whose immense popularity has more or less resulted in his complete self-imposed exile from normal society. As “F-Zero X” informs us, Mr. Falcon lives in a grandiloquent island paradise, where he’s able to race on extravagant tracks without being bothered by others.

Under APA labels, Captain Falcon could be seen as displaying symptoms of both elitist narcissism -- characterized by a perceived status-backed privilege and illusions of grandeur -- and fanatic narcissism, which is characterized by feelings of omnipotence  and diminished self-esteem. “When unable to gain recognition or support from others,” the world’s most reliable source of information tells us, “they take on the role of a heroic or worshiped person with a grandiose mission.”

In Super Smash Bros., both the aesthetics and fighting style of Captain Falcon lend much credence to the Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis. From Falcon’s specialized stage (complete with its daunting racecar obstacles) to the character’s flashy wardrobe to his megalomaniacal battle cry of “Falcon Punch,” it appears as if the F-Zero protagonist indeed fosters quite the ego.

If your favorite character is Donkey Kong, then your hidden mental illness is: 

Impulse Control Disorder

Per the APA, impulse control disorders (ICDs) cover a wide array of behaviors, from excessive gambling to pyromania to intermittent explosiveness disorder. As a general rule of thumb, however, all of the ICDs are classified under five umbrella behavioral tendencies: an impulse trigger, emerging tension, pleasure derived from acting upon said impulse trigger, palpable relief stemming from fulfilling urge, and ultimately, self-directed guilt.

As a character, Donkey Kong certainly displays symptoms of some kind of ICD. From his barrel-tossing debut to his numerous ground-pounding exploits in “Donkey Kong Country,” the character certainly has characteristics in line with the APA diagnosis criteria for impulse control disorder.

In Super Smash Bros., Donkey Kong was a character with two primary attacks. The first one was a “wind-up” charged shot, which definitely covers the five umbrella tendencies listed above. As soon as DK winds up (the impulse trigger), he literally radiates tension as the avatar begins glowing ominously. Upon release of the button, the game player unleashes a super-powerful attack, which said gamer typically finds extremely satisfying…although he or she may also feel secondary guilt, as it leaves the avatar open for attacks from the flank.

Kong’s other attack lines up rather nicely with the APA criteria as well: the character’s dreaded “power bomb attack,” in which he grabs a character, lifts him over his shoulders, and chunks them across the stage. Notably, gamers quickly uncovered that Kong can instantly kill an adversary by clutching an opponent and jumping off a cliff in an act of homicide-suicide; a maneuver that fits in with the designated definition of impulsivity -- “failure to resist a temptation, urge or impulse that may harm oneself or others” -- almost to perfection.

If your favorite character is Fox McCloud, then your hidden mental illness is: 

Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder

We’re cheating a bit here, as post-traumatic embitterment disorder (PTED) isn’t officially recognized as a mental disorder by the APA. However, there is a groundswell of support emerging from some psychiatrists, who believe the PTSD-like syndrome is prevalent enough to warrant full recognition from the American Psychological Association, and since it has its own Wikipedia page, that’s pretty much as good as official, anyway.

Per some German dude named Michael Linden, PTED can be described as complex, pervasive feeling of both anger and helplessness, in which the usually treatment-resistant “sufferers” typically desire some sense of revenge against agents that have wronged them. In some ways, PTED can be described as an obsession with “righting” a prior injustice -- a morally-backed thirst for vengeance, if you will.

With that in mind, Fox McCloud’s entire backstory can be considered PTED-borne, as he became a mercenary following the “death” of his father at the hands of the primary antagonist in the first “Star Fox” game. In “Star Fox 64” -- essentially a remake of the SNES original --Fox McCloud is even praised by his father’s ghost after the game’s final battle, indicating something of an internal validation of the character’s own PTED.

In “Smash Bros.,” Fox is a fleet footed character, whose primary attacks are ranged laser blaster shots. Swift yet silent, the avatar blazes across the screen, with a single-minded mission: not only does the character’s canonical history give a lot of credence to the PTED theory, even Fox’s fighting style seems to acknowledge it.

An adorable battle between Pokemon favorites, or a metaphorical war of body dysmorphic disorders?

If your favorite character is Jigglypuff, then your hidden mental illness is: 

Somatic Symptom Disorder

Jigglypuff is a “Pokemon”-spawned fighter whose gimmick, so to speak, is the ability to lull others into a momentary slumber. When Jigglypuff’s adversaries are temporarily dazed, he (it is a he, I am assuming) is able to dish out a couple of free shots, without fear of a counterattack.

Clearly, Jigglypuff's ability to hypnotize others wouldn't be considered an officially APA-recognized condition, but since somatic symptom disorder (SSD) is, perhaps we can use that as an analytical framework. SSD, simply put, is when an individual claims to experience physical pains or setbacks that haven't been diagnosed (or explained) by medical professionals. Very frequently, this is associated with hypochondria, but the newfangled APA term also entails aspects of several other disorders, including conversion disorder (the actual loss of physical ability due to worrying), and body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) -- in short, an obsession with perceived body defects.

As one of the smallest characters in the game, Jigglypuff is also perhaps the most indistinguishable character in the first "Super Smash Bros." title (even Kirby, as we well soon see, had the ability to absorb the traits of other.) Obviously, one with BDD may be drawn towards a character so literally undeveloped, as a way of masking his or her own body image shortcomings. Subconsciously, a player with SSD symptoms may have a slight preference for a character who can put others into a somatic state, and those with sever conversion disorders would almost certainly have a liking for a combatant whom has the ability to project actual physical ailments on opponents -- we're talking classical Freudian transference here, basically.

If your favorite character is Kirby, then your hidden mental illness is:

Depersonalization Disorder

The character Kirby -- who debuted in a Game Boy title in the mid 1990s -- has made appearances in numerous video games, appearing on pretty much every console the Big N has released since (the Virtua Boy, notwithstanding.) As nothing more than a mute pink blob -- with hardly any other personality traits or even a relatable back story -- the character remains one of Nintendo's most intriguingly un-intriguing characters; indeed, the only time the character seems to have a solid "form" is when he literally sucks the personality out of his foes, and imitates their behaviors.

While the definition of what is and what isn't Depersonalization Disorder has fluctuated wildly over the years, the central anchor point the APA uses to meter the condition is persistent feelings of "being unreal." As a a dissociative disorder, those with Depersonalization Disorder tend to feel as if they constantly leave their "own" bodies; the following Wikipedia passage seems to describe not only the character of Kirby to a tee, but in many ways, his fighting technique in "Super Smash Bros.":

"Common descriptions of symptoms from sufferers include feeling disconnected from one's physicality or body, feeling detached from one's own thoughts or emotions and a sense of feeling if one is dreaming or in a dreamlike state. In some cases, a person may feel an inability to accept their reflection as their own, or they may even have out-of-body-experiences."

If your favorite character is Link, then your hidden mental illness is:

Social Anxiety Disorder

Despite being on of the most iconic video game characters of all time, the "Legend of Zelda" protagonist remains a virtually unquotable  figure -- although appearing in dozens and dozens of titles over the last quarter century, Link's vocabulary remains fixed at simple grunts, shrieks and yelps.

Far from being the strong, silent type, it appears as if Link's inability to engage in proper interpersonal communication stems from a severe case of social anxiety disorder. "[The disorder] is about more than just shyness and can be considerably disabling," the DSM-5 tells us. "The person, for example, may be so uncomfortable carrying on a conversation that he is unable to talk to others, particularly someone he doesn’t know."

Interestingly enough, the precursor to social anxiety disorder, social phobia, was formerly considered just a children's disorder in past iterations of the APA manual. As Link's age seems to fluctuate from game to game -- and, in some titles, within the same cartridge -- it's more than obvious that Link's social anxiety stems from some kind of troubling childhood experience, most likely a severe lack of communication with his parents. Indeed, Link manages to nail virtually every symptom of childhood-borne S.A.D., including prolonged bouts of tantrums, periods of physical immobility, intentional shying away from others, extreme clinging (in this case, towards certain inanimate objects) and, most telling, the inability to speak in social situations. These idiosyncratic characteristics are all present in the first Smash Bros. game -- perhaps a player's leaning towards the elfin hero may stem from a subconscious understanding of said characters social anxiety behaviors?

Luigi's glazed-over eyes are a clear indication of childhood maltreatment if there ever was one.

If your favorite character is Luigi, then your hidden mental illness is:

Relational Disorder

Since Mario is the literal poster boy for Nintendo, I suppose we can all understand Luigi's sibling rivalry grievances. However, a DSM-5 update to the definition of "relational disorder" gives us an entirely new framework to analyze the disjunction between the Mario brothers, and with this model in mind, Luigi's antipathy may indeed be a sign of something much more complex and troubling.

The current APA definition of "relational disorder"is a rather interesting one, as the disorder is perceived as a relationship-centered disorder instead of an individual one. The classical example would be that of a mother who gives special attention to one child, yet not his or her sibling -- a very, very likely scenario regarding Luigi's upbringing, which may indeed serve as the bedrock of his own relational disorder with his brother.

As a "hidden" character in "Super Smash Bros.," Luigi isn't even selectable until after a set list of player accomplishments -- which may or may not have been accomplished via the use of Mario as a selected character -- occur. With a fighting style comparable to his brother, Luigi can be seen as an "imitator" of sorts -- by selecting Luigi as an avatar, could it be that the actual controller holder is attempting to sublimate his or her feelings of intense sibling disdain through the game itself? 

If your favorite character is Mario, then your hidden mental illness is:

Reactive Attachment Disorder

Depending on who you ask, the omnipresent Mario can be considered a Renaissance Man apt at a litany of sundry activities -- practicing medicine, golfing, dancing, even filming motocross events -- or perhaps even the virtualization of the Nietzschean ubermensch, a cult of personality "above all others," so to speak. When evaluating Mario as a character, however, he tends to suffer from a bizarre inconsistency as social being: sometimes, he's posited as a being very much of the world, and at other times, he seems to be posited as an external presence, completely immune to the social norms and folkways of his respective environment -- i.e., the norms and folkways about NOT indiscriminately killing all living things on a left to right homicide spree. 

As such, the most likely clinical disorder Mario experiences -- and by proxy, his "Super Smash Bros." avatar -- is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), a childhood disorder "characterized by markedly disturbed and developmentally inappropriate ways of relating socially in most contexts." The DSM-V breaks up RAD into two different categories, both of which Mario appears to suffer from: the classical "inhibited" form of reactive attachment disorder and social engagement disorder -- the "disinhibited" form of RAD, effectively. 

Whether he's launching turtle shells from moving vehicles, sucker punching Goombas or -- as especially the case in "Super Smash Bros." -- chunking fiery death at adversaries, I would say it's safe to describe Mario's typical behavior as a "persistent failure to initiate or respond to most social interactions in a developmentally appropriate way." Indeed, Mario's simultaneous "indiscriminate sociability" -- which may explain why he's calling "Pac-Man" death matches and officiating Mike Tyson bouts, -- is almost a pitch perfect description of social engagement disorder behavior. 

If your favorite character is Ness, then your hidden mental illness is:

Derealization Syndrome

When discussing Kirby earlier, we touched upon the similar depersonalization disorder, but when addressing Ness explicitly as a character, I believe it is well worth taking a look at the individual nuances of derealization syndrome -- a similar yet separate condition outlined in the ICD-10.

As a disassociative condition, derealization syndrome is most likely attributed to a confluence of factors, including neurological conditions, which may or may not include occipital or temporal lobe damage. Syndrome symptoms -- which impacts the way a person experiences reality, making the world around them feel "unreal" -- is most commonly reported by those who have experienced sudden traumas. 

What makes derealization syndrome such a fitting condition for Ness, the main character in the hyper-surreal SNES cult classic "Earthbound," is that both the character and the game Ness is most closely associated with stems from the real-life trauma experienced by the game's creator, Shigesato Itoi. As a child, he ambled into the wrong movie theater once and witnessed a graphic murder scene in a mystery film; the scarring event was echoed in the the climactic boss battle of "Earthbound," which consisted of a metaphysical dual between a young boy and what many have described as an "aborted alien embryo." Even creepier is that Itoh himself considered the scene a combination of "atrocity and eroticism," having completely ad-libbed the monster's dialogue from what could only be his long-dormant, and severely frayed, vestiges of childhood innocence. Needless to say, if one of your pals opts for Ness in your next game of "Smash Bros.," perhaps "most memorable childhood experiences" should remain a verboten topic of discussion throughout the contest.

In a game rife with pills, psychotropic drugs and phallic symbols galore, perhaps its only fitting that the final adversary in "Super Smash Bros." appears to be the disembodied hand of modern psychiatry itself. 

If your favorite character is Pikachu, then your hidden mental illness is:

Avoidant Personality Disorder

The undersized Pokemon character is clearly dwarfed by the rest of the "Super Smash Bros." cast. Indeed, the teensy Pikachu would indeed be the poster boy for fighting game frailty, was it not for his lightning fast reflexes and lightning fast...well, lightning. As a fighter that best works at a range, Pikachu seems to be an avatar best suited for those who share a disdain for up-close melee combat -- which, in the grand arena known as sociopsychology, is more or less a figurative stand-in for socialization in general.

The DSM-5 criteria for Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvDP) describes the condition as a state of persistent social inhibition, marked by inadequate feelings, an extreme fear of negative evaluation and -- perhaps most fitting regarding Pikachu as an SSB character -- a tendency to avoid social interaction (which, once again, is represented by physical combat in the Nintendo 64 metaphorical space.)

Of course, it's difficult to describe Pikachu -- as a canon character outside of the SSB realm -- as a figure that's both hypersensitive to criticism and fostering emotional distancing tendencies. However, the general behaviors of the character within the SSB arena definitely mirror those of individuals displaying strong AvPD symptoms; possibly, those who opt for the character as their "main" my indeed be selecting the character for subconscious reasons. 

If your favorite character is Samus, then your hidden mental illness is:

Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Samus Aran, the star of Nintendo's "Metroid" series, is a Sigourney Weaver-inspired ass kicker whose personality is marked primarily by profound silence and the remorseless rocket launchering of alien enemies. In "Super Smash Bros.," Samus is a character who, alike Pikachu, is best suited for ranged combat -- her charged laser beam shot, in particular, is a super powerful, high speed attack best utilized at extreme distances from adversaries.

In DSM terms, Samus' fighting style (as well as her canon, main series behavior) displays several similarities with the textbook definition of schizotypal personality disorder (SPD). Those with the milder form of SPD tend to favor social isolation, have difficulties maintaining close relationships and may be hesitant to respond when engaged by others -- all behaviors that suit Samus to a proverbial T. Furthermore, individuals with SPD are also known to dress in unusual attire -- something Samus' orange, red and green uniform would certainly qualify as. 

Beyond the APA criteria, Samus' schizotypal behavior is further "validated" by the World Health Organization, who list constricted affect -- that is, emotional frigidity -- and social withdrawal tendencies (perhaps into a ball, maybe?) in its DSM-analog, the ICD-10. And the proverbial icing on the cake? Theodore Milton's "timorous schizotypal" subtype seems to perfectly summarize Samus, as both character, fighting game avatar and possible player proxy: "Warily apprehensive, watchful, suspicious, guarded, shrinking, deadens excess sensitivity; alienated from self and others; intentionally blocks, reverses, or disqualifies own thoughts."

If your favorite character is Yoshi, then your hidden mental illness is:

Pica

Of all the "Super Smash Bros." characters, Yoshi is probably the easiest to diagnose, but it wasn't until last year that the APA declared Pica -- that is, the desire to ingest non-food items -- as a stand-alone psychiatric disorder.

Basically, the DSM-5 describes Pica as the "persistent eating of non-nutritive substances for a period of at least one month," in particular, non-nutritive substances that are "not culturally sanctioned." Well, anyone with even a passing familiarity with the Yoshi character can see why this is so fitting: indeed, Yoshi's entire shtick revolves around digesting things that are clearly not food in the traditional sense -- such as living combatants -- and then excreting them in egg form.

Of course, just because one of your friends seems to share a bond of sorts with the character doesn't necessarily mean he or she is an individual who likes to eat inanimate objects, per se. That said, if random household objects do tend to simply vanish after lengthy "Super Smash Bros." bouts at your homestead? There's a very strong chance said objects may be found within the digestive tract of whoever picked Yoshi, perhaps...

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A Look at the Wii-U Launch Lineup

A succinct, unbiased roundup of every single day-one retail launch title available for Nintendo’s new console

In case you haven’t heard, there’s this new gaming machine out called the “Wii U.” It’s the first of what many folks are calling the “next generation” of home consoles, despite boasting hardware that’s LESS powerful than its two competitors from last generation’s console cycle. And uh, try to overlook the fact that almost half of the launch library consists of 360 and PS3 ports, and DEFINITELY try to overlook all of those storage problems and ESPECIALLY that, um, less than consistent, online integration.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, let me tell you kids something: there is a pervasive, as in, ENTRENCHED to the roots, Nintendo bias in the gaming media. Video game history has been practically whitewashed by the supposed custodians of gaming lore to make it seem as if video gaming was shit until Nintendo came along, and that virtually everything the Big N has done since the NES has been a rousing success while everything Sega, Atari and SNK did in the 1990s was utter crap. Yeah, Nintendo has released a lot of great games over the years, but it seems as if they get free passes ALL THE DAMN time for whoring out franchises and providing gloriously inadequate online services while virtually every other publisher and developer on the planet gets continually shat on by IGN and Destructoid and all those other lame-ass sites that have about as much credibility as a handshake from a Lehman Brothers associate for the exact same things. You’re not going to hear a lot of negative press about the Wii U anywhere else, so let me be the first - and perhaps, only - honest voice on the matter:

The Wii U, to put it briefly, blows. Like, Free Willy with sinuses blows, amigos and amigas.

The hardware is indisputably underpowered. The online integration remains hardly on par with what Microsoft was giving gamers on the ORIGINAL Xbox a decade ago. The gimmick this time around adds about as much to the experience of gaming as a scratch-and-sniff card, and to top it off? The battery life on the newfangled Wii U pad is about as lengthy as a box of sealed doughnuts at a Jenny Craig meeting. And with those afore-mentioned storage problems, good luck turning your Wii-U into an all-in-wonder media leviathan that the next wave Xboxes and Playstations will assuredly be.

Granted, it’s not hardware that makes a gaming station worthwhile, but its library, and to be perfectly blunt, I am not too impressed with what I’ve seen from the day one offerings. Yeah, there are a few good (but not GREAT) games to be found, but by and large, the crap outweighs the cream, and absolutely NOTHING available at retail currently justifies dropping  that $350.00 USD.

As a public service, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to review all 28 day one launch games available for retail on Nintendo’s new unit. A brief summary is attached at the very tail end of the article, but if you’re really pressed for time, here’s the Wii U launch in just 21 syllables: “some good, a sizable amount of bad and a whole lot of mediocre in between.”

I haven't seen this many shoddy ports since my last trip to New Orleans!

Assassin’s Creed III

It’s a lot like the PS3 and 360 versions, only blurrier, slower and with additional bugs. In other words, it’s like every other port you’ll find on the system.

Score: 6 / 10

Batman: Arkham City: Armored Edition

A solid game, although it’s not exactly an improvement over the older console iterations. The Wii-U features are so tacked-on, you can almost smell the Elmer’s on your control pad.

Score: 7 / 10

Ben 10: Omniverse

You know, it says a LOT about  the hardware when a day one launch game has a buggier online interface than  “Phantasy Star Online.” You know, that DREAMCAST GAME THAT CAME OUT MORE THAN 10 YEARS AGO.

Score: 2 / 10

Call of Duty: Black Ops II

A solid port of the hyper-popular FPS, albeit with a whole lot more technical hiccups than you’ll find on the PS3 or Xbox360. And let’s not even get started regarding the gimpy online play here…

Score: 6 / 10

Darksiders II

An action-adventure platformer that tries REAL hard to imitate “God of War” and “Prince of Persia,” but it just doesn’t have enough juice to compete with either genre titans. The control pad, by the way, adds virtually nothing to the experience, either.

Score: 6 / 10

Disney Epic Mickey 2: The Power of Two

As a plus, the game has pretty decent graphics, and it implements the controller a lot better than most of the other launch games. The down size is, the game frequently suffers from slowdown and other technical glitches…not that a developer would EVER rush a game into stores for the holiday season.

Score: 6 / 10

ESPN Sports Connection

A lot of people will tell you that this game is nothing more than a brazen, half-hearted imitation of “Wii Sports,” but you know what? They’re right.

Score: 3 /10

FIFA Soccer 13

It’s a solid footy game, and some of the touchpad controls make for a few hours of fun, but it’s certainly no match for its PS3 and 360 cousins. That, and it’s missing a ton of features, too.

Score: 7 / 10

Game Party Champions

This game is a lot like “Wii Sports,” only with more options. And all of those options, I assure you, suck.

Score: 3 / 10

And if your family actually spends more than an hour a week playing "Nintendo Land," congratulations on being the whitest people in history. 

Just Dance 4

If your idea of a good time is pretending to have an epileptic seizure with a MacBook in your hand, then this is surely a day one pick up for you. For everybody else, however, it’s probably best to keep on a walkin’ if you see this one on store shelves.

Score: 4 / 10

Madden NFL 13

For what it’s worth, it isn’t a bad port. I’d say you’re better off with the 360 and PS3 version, but all in all, it’s probably one of the better at-launch games at your disposal

Score: 7 / 10

Mass Effect 3 (Special Edition)

The control setup here isn’t as bad as you’d think, but it’s clear that the new pad isn’t the most conducive in the world for precision-heavy shooters. A decent enough port, but nothing that you haven’t already played before - and more enjoyably - on other consoles.

Score: 7 / 10

NBA 2K13

It’s got some interface problems - hell, there are some menus that the game WON’T let you back out of without having to reset your system - but as a basketball sim, it’s pretty damned outstanding. It’s probably on par with the PS3 and Xbox360 versions, and if you’re a hardcore NBA fan, it’s something that’s definitely (James?) worthy of your attention.

Score: 8 / 10

New Super Mario Bros. U

You know, I could seriously criticize the game for its lack of originality - really, it’s the same thing we’ve been playing for the last 20 years, albeit with a tablet computer in lieu of a controller - but at the end of the day? It’s still a fun game, and one very much worth trying if you decide to drop a full $350 on your brand new gaming rig.

Score: 8 / 10

Ninja Gaiden 3: Razor’s Edge

By and large, Ninja Gaiden 3 was a pretty disappointing game on the 360. Rest assured, this Wii U iteration remains a faithful port of that utterly unremarkable experience.

Score: 5 /10

Nintendo Land

A mini-game collection, featuring all sorts of referential Nintendo humor. Fun in short spurts, but nothing that will keep you gaming into the wee (Wii?) hours of the night.

Score: 6 /10

The future of video gaming / pawn shop surplus.

Rabbids Land

A gimped out mini-game collection, because god knows, Nintendo needs more of those on their platforms. For the most casual of causal gamers only.

Score: 4 / 10

Scribblenauts Unlimited

The “Scribblenauts” franchise is a pretty enjoyable little series on the DS. Unfortunately, the Wii-U is not, indeed, the DS, and a lot of the bite-sized fun just doesn’t make it in the translation to the big screen.

Score: 6 /10

Skylanders Giants

If you’re not familiar with the “Skylanders” shtick, it’s this amazing racketeering job in which the developer shamelessly require parents to purchase these specially-designed action figures so kids can access certain content within the game. And if you purchase this abomination, just remind yourself that you’re killing both “video gaming” and the prospects of your child ever becoming a non consumer-culture obsessed retard in one fell swoop.

Score: 0 / 10

SING Party

Nothing says “living it up” like singing Carly Rae Jepsen songs in front of your friends. No wait, pretty much ANYTHING other than that is “living it up” by comparison.

Score: 4 /10

Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed

The single biggest surprise at launch, this game is a downright awesome Sega love-in that serves as one of the best kart-racing games to come down the pipe in quite some time. Seriously, how could you not have a blast playing a game that allows you to race against Danica Patrick, Wreck-It Ralph and a goddamned Sega Dreamcast VMU?

Score: 8 / 10

Tank!Tank!Tank!

A visually underpowered party game that tries to be one part “Worms!” and one part “Chu-Chu-Rocket.” And odds are, you won’t want either part.

Score: 4 / 10

Tekken Tag Tournament 2 Wii U Edition

A lot of people had issues with the version of the game released on the 360 and PS3, and this one doesn’t necessarily remedy any of them. Add an extra point if you’re playing it using the pro controller.

Score: 5 /10

Transformers Prime: The Game

This one may appeal to nostalgic men-children of the 1980s, but as an action-adventure game, it is severely stunted. If that wasn’t enough, the visuals and audio are both pretty lackluster, too.

Score: 4 / 10

Warriors Orochi 3 Hyper

Since every single console launch is required by law to include some sort of “Dynasty Warriors” game, the Wii U gets this formulaic, glitch-eaten re-release of a franchise that’s been re-hashed more times than Tommy Chong’s water pipes. For fans of super-repetitive hack and slash games ONLY.

Score: 4 / 10

Wipeout 3

Much to my surprise there seems to be a huge market out there for anti-game, tech demonstrations like this. If I have to tell you not to pick this one up, you’ve got bigger problems than choosing which software to squander your disposable income on, amigo.

Score: 3 / 10

Your Shape: Fitness Evolved 2013

Your girlfriend may like it, but come on, folks. Your money and effort would be better spent on a stair-stepper.

Score: 4 / 10

ZombiU

Nothing says “killer app” quite like awful combat, piss-poor graphics and completely needless gimmick controls. It’s playable, but the quasi-broken gameplay will certainly ensure more frustration that satisfaction.

Score: 5 / 10

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: 

The Wii-U launches with a half dozen games, and exactly ONE console exclusive title that I would consider worth purchasing (that being the new Mario game - not that I didn’t have a few problems with that one, of course.) Granted, there’s quite a bit of games available that fluctuate from mildly above average to almost, almost worthy of a purchase, but even with those titles in mind, you have to take two things into consideration:

1.) Virtually every game we’re talking about here is something that’s already been released on “last-gen” consoles and, much, MUCH more damningly…

2.) Said games were technically superior, in terms of controls, gameplay, graphics audio and especially online integration, on those last generation of consoles.

As a general rule, it’s sort of hard to hype a new gaming rig as the “console of the future” when you’re basically hawking consumers a big, fat plate of warmed over, half-eaten entrees that taste better on the machines they already own. As far as exclusive games go, we’ll probably be seeing a few great games from the Big N down the line, and pretty much Jack dookie from any third party developers until at least two or three years into the product’s life cycle.

For Nintendo to succeed, they’re going to have to give us a 3DS style-turnaround, not only in quality of available titles but also pricing. The fact that this thing is going for 350 smackers is just an affront to capitalism as a practice, and I suspect that, in less than a year, the console will be selling for AT LEAST $100.00 less (if not being retailed at $200.00 by Christmas 2013.)

As far as the future of the console is concerned, there is some promising stuff on the forefront, but whether or not Super Tekken Bros. or The Legend of Zelda: The Tablet of Ganondorf will be enough to seduce would-be gamers away from the Xbox 720 or PS4 is still up in the air. The price point was a huge factor in the success of the Wii, and unless the next two consoles from Sony and Microsoft are twice as expensive as the Wii-U, I wouldn’t count on that marketing strategy proving successful twice in a row.

Needless to say, I wasn’t too enthralled by what I saw from the House Mario Built earlier this month. Granted, they have plenty of time to right the wrongs between now and next holiday season, but as far as Christmas 2012 goes?

Sorry, but the console you’re looking for appears to STILL be in another castle...

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Why the Wii-U is Destined for Failure...

...And what Nintendo can do to prevent it

Following this year’s E3, it’s apparent that Nintendo is making a giant gamble with its upcoming Wii U hardware. As the first “next-gen” console out the gate, Nintendo is yet again banking on the appeal of non-traditional gaming markets as opposed to “hardcore” gamer demographics, a strategy that, obviously, proved very, very successful with the Wii.

However, Nintendo’s Wii U has several problematic aspects, which, combined, could result in the system seriously underperforming in the “next-gen” market. There are five very apparent reasons why the Wii-U could be destined for failure…and five equally apparent solutions the “Big N” would be wise to look into before the product gets launched later this year.

CAUSES FOR CONCERN

Factor Number One - THE PRICE

While we North American gamers will not likely know the MSRP of Nintendo’s new console until later this year, there have been some leaked numbers as it pertains to other markets. Nikkei reports that the unit will cost about 30,000 yen, which equals out to about $383 USD. Meanwhile, EuroGamer estimates the unit will drop at 280 pounds in the UK, which translates to about $435 in U.S. dollars.

Simply put, the launch price of the Wii U could potentially be double that of the Wii’s launch price, and that’s not factoring other components, such as the price of additional controllers, let alone standalone games (which, according to Amazon, are estimated to be about $60 a pop.) Feasibly, a Wii-U unit, with an extra Wii U ControlPad, two “Pro Controllers” and two games, could cost launch day consumers anywhere from $700 - $1,000. Although just about everything regarding the console’s price is mere speculation at this point, it’s almost certain to be a costlier system than the Wii - a console whose success can be attributed, quite largely, to its reduced marketplace cost.

The Wii U's online service emphasizes social networking elements over multiplayer, a move which could alienate a sizable "hardcore" gaming audience.

Factor Number Two - THE TECHNICAL SPECS

The potential problematic areas with the Wii U are twofold. First, it’s an absolute guarantee that the machine will be the “weakest” of the next generation gaming consoles, with current tech specs that are less powerful than Sony and Microsoft’s current-gen consoles. The secondary problem arises when considering the Wii-U ControlPad, which Nintendo claims has a battery life of 3-5 hours.

Combined, these two problems could result in massive problems for gamers, as well as alienate third party developers that may feel “limited” by the technical restraints of the hardware. The graphical capabilities of the system - coupled with the control schematics of the hardware - could keep many “traditional” gaming franchises off the system, and severely hamper the variety of games that arrive on the console. This could mean that while PS4 and XB720 owners enjoy next-gen Madden and Call of Duty, Wii-U owners could be stuck playing watered down ports and rehashes of current-gen titles - a crisis exacerbated by Nintendo’s inability to strike up deals with prolific developers and publishers, such as “Grand Theft Auto” maestros Rockstar Games.

"Non-games" like "SiNG" may make up a bulk of the Wii U's expected launch titles - and this time, Nintendo may not have the same "casual market" appeal that it had with its last console release. 

Factor Number Three - THE LACK OF QUALITY THIRD PARTY SUPPORT

Since the days of the Nintendo Entertainment System, Nintendo has relied a tremendous deal on consistent third-party support, with companies like Square-Enix and Rare Studios providing the “Big N” with stellar, console-exclusive material for the Super NES and Nintendo 64. Since the release of the GameCube, however, the company has seemed to be drifting away from this model, instead focusing on first-party titles and outsourcing franchising rights to other developers. As a result, the Wii received scant “console exclusive” titles from third parties that were commercially successful - a trend that could very much continue with the Wii U.

While Nintendo executives have “guaranteed” a greater emphasis on so-called “hardcore” games with the upcoming console, the company has announced very little to back up their claims, as a majority of the third party titles shown off for the upcoming system at E3 this year where either non-exclusive, multi-platform games, or “original” IPs that hardly looked like killer apps in any regard. It’s extremely unlikely that Nintendo will gain the support of third party publishers and developers that ignored the Wii with its latest console - in fact, at this point, it’s looking quite likely that the company will actually lose third party support in the next generation of console gaming.

Factor Number Four - THE ONLINE INTEGRATION COMPONENTS

It’s not exactly breaking news that Nintendo’s online gaming network is considerably less impressive than those promoted by Microsoft and Sony. And instead of remedying the myriad online gaming problems the Wii had, it seems as if Nintendo is moving towards even more integration of that same experience for the Wii U.

Nintendo’s far-reaching online network - debuted at E3 earlier this year - is more or less a visualized Facebook application, which allows gamers to hop in and out of centralized experiences, such as chatting and playing mini-games. The one thing the new network doesn’t seem to do, however, is rectify its predecessor’s many online gaming difficulties, including a clunky user-interface that requires “friend codes” in order to play over an Internet connection. Ominously, a number of supposed “launch titles” have been announced without online integration compatibility - perhaps portending some major, major R&D problems even this late into the console testing cycle.

So far, the third -party titles announced for the Wii U have been rather lacking , consisting mostly of ports and very unpolished I.P.s, such as the underwhelming "ZombiU" from Ubisoft. 

Factor Number Five - THE EMPHASIS ON CASUAL GAMES

The single biggest complaint lobbed against the Wii was its overabundance of “casual games” - in other words, titles catering to mostly “non-gamer” audiences and small children. Taking this complaint to heart, Nintendo executives promised that the Wii U would have a greater emphasis on more traditional, “hardcore” gaming experiences, but when the console was demonstrated at E3 this year…well, the results were a whole lot more “casual” than “hardcore.”

“Lego City?”

“SiNG”

“Wii Fit U?”

No matter what the suits at Nintendo may be saying, this much is evident; the company is still centralizing its market strategy around games that appeal to “non-gaming” audiences. Their may be more of a focus on “hardcore” titles, but it is quite apparent that the company’s primary target demographic is still a decisively “non-hardcore” demographic.

Clearly, there are some major areas of concern regarding the Wii U, but the company still has ample time to rectify some of these issues in time for the product launch. If Nintendo wants to counteract a lot of first-year woes, they would be wise to mull over my five recommendations for their marketing of the Wii U.

PREVENTATIVE MEASURES

Nintendo's attempt to lure in a "casual" gaming market (such as those that play Farmville)  may end up backfiring on the company.

Step One - ENSURE QUALITY THIRD-PARTY TITLES LAND ON THE CONSOLE

Unless Nintendo can secure a healthy number of quality, third-party exclusives, the console is in deep, deep trouble.

The “Call of Duty,” “Grand Theft Auto” and EA Sports series have made billions upon billions of dollars over the last five years, and these gargantuan series - in a “proper” iteration - have been MIA on the Wii. As fun and entertaining as “Mario U” and “Pikmin 3” may turn out, it’s quite clear that neither of those games have the sheer, instant-revenue appeal of a “Black Ops II” or a “Halo 4” or even a “FIFA 13.” As such, it is absolutely imperative that Nintendo does what it can to make certain that major franchises like “Call of Duty” and “Need for Speed” and “Bioshock”  end up on the console, if not in iterations comparable to the PS4/Xbox720 offerings, then at least in quality, console-specific editions that don’t sacrifice game play for novelty (if you’ve ever tried playing a Madden game on the Wii, you will know precisely what I’m talking about.)

And even if the “Big N” can’t get GTA V or “Watch Dogs,” they can at least strive to secure console-exclusive titles from those big name publishers. Maybe the Wii U isn’t powerful enough to host the next GTA or the next Final Fantasy, but that doesn’t mean Nintendo can’t get Rock Star or Square-Enix to get their B-houses working on miniature, Wii-U exclusive titles. It really goes without saying here, but it’s oh-so important: the Wii U needs awesome, third-party games, and it needs them very, very badly.

Step Two - IMPROVE ONLINE GAMING EXPERIENCES

It’s pretty much a given that Nintendo has the worst online integration components of the big three. While Sony and Microsoft have given gamers robust and reliable online gaming networks, Nintendo has struggled to provide Wii and 3DS owners with a halfway manageable online-play system, and the results have fluctuated from just merely passable to downright pathetic.

Nintendo has already said that the Wii U will once again feature “friend codes” for online play, with a centralized focus on social networking in non-gaming online play. We all remember the ZombiU trailer - apparently, Nintendo’s idea of online gaming is the ability to access Twitter and look up cheat codes while playing a single-player title….not actually playing against and with other people via the Internet. Clearly, this is something that needs to be remedied as soon as possible.

It’s very unlikely that Nintendo will ever foster an online gaming system as versatile and dependable as what MS and Sony offers, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t try to fix what they currently have. My advice would be to abandon the whole “Nintendo Land” / “Waru Waru” interface and hire some third party firm (boy, wouldn’t an Apple or a Google love to capitalize on such an opportunity?) to reconstruct the console’s online program. More multiplayer games are a given, but first things first: if the Wii U doesn’t have an online network at least twice as consistent as what the 3DS currently has, they are really shooting themselves in the foot from the get-go.

Titles like "Wii Fit U" are expected to capitalize on largely non-gaming audiences, but are consumers willing to shell out hundreds of dollars for mildly re-tuned experiences of the like?

Step Three - REFOCUS TARGET DEMOGRAPHICS

Nintendo made a ton of money off casual gamers with the Wii. Unfortunately, that’s an audience that has grown tired of “Wii Sports,” and it’s quite apparent that the “Big N” isn’t going to be able to strike gold with the same kind of players again.

Simply put, Nintendo will have to place a greater emphasis on the traditional gaming market - 18-34 year old males - if it wants to remain in the next gen console race. Yes, eight year old kids and their shovel ware-purchasing mothers may appear to be a more lucrative demographic, but it’s the traditional gamers that are the greatest “bulk” consumers of video games. Seeing as how they have more disposable income than most other demographics, it would be very, very unwise to ignore their wants out of the Wii U - in fact, the system’s very survival may hinge on the support of the traditional gaming demographics.

Step Four - ABANDON THE “ALL IN ONE” MEDIA MACHINE AMBITIONS

If I want to send a text to someone, I will send them a text. If I want to send them an e-mail, I will send them an e-mail. If I want to watch a YouTube video, I will log onto YouTube. While the emergence of smartphones have coalesced a lot of electronic communications together, it’s a fairly unwise move to assume that a gaming console - a stationary thing connected to a television set - requires the same “all-in-one” versatility that a phone or a tablet provides. Obviously, it’s not just Nintendo that’s trying to merge all of the electronic mediums together, but in the case of the Wii U - a system that’s already underpowered - pursuing “the Swiss army knife” approach could be a downright fatal move.

The major appeal of the Wii-U should be games, not social networking. Yes, people like to multitask, but gaming experiences - like movies and books - have always been experiences centered on a single, uninterrupted event and the individual reacting to that same event. Multiplayer gaming (and certainly, online gaming) has made that a more social experience, but the core appeal of games really hasn’t changed since the days of “Asteroids” and “Pac-Man.” By throwing in all of these secondary applications, the core appeal of the gaming experience gets diluted, and when your console can’t provide solid gaming experiences…well, history hasn’t exactly been kind to such consoles.

The Wii U ControlPad is supposed to be the big selling point of Nintendo's new console - and inadvertently, it may also lead to the system's under-performance in the marketplace. 

Step Five - PUT THE SPOTLIGHT ON GAMEPLAY, NOT GIMMICKS

Really, it’s the simplest - and most executable - idea imaginable; instead of making games centered around proprietary technologies and gimmick-anchored gameplay, just use the technology you have to make better, more enjoyable and more nuanced games. Think of the leap from “A Link to the Past” to “Ocarina of Time” - Nintendo harnessed the power of a new console to create a more in-depth, more engrossing and more immersive experience than the previous franchise offering. With the Wii U, Nintendo seems to be eschewing this idea for rehashes and re-releases that just simply integrate new hardware controls instead of giving gamers more intricate and complex experiences. In other words, instead of giving us the natural progression of gaming - as they did with “Ocarina” - it’s as if they feel that just giving us what we’ve already experienced, with some funky new control set-up - is good enough.

Look, I love Mario and Link and Samus as much as the next guy, but those franchises really haven’t done all that much evolving since the days of the Nintendo 64. “Super Mario Galaxy 2” and “Skyward Sword” may have been terrific games, but they really weren’t groundbreaking games in the least - and most definitely, they weren’t titles that pushed the technological boundaries of what gaming could be. The likelihood of the Wii U getting games like “Bioshock: Infinite,” “Watch Dogs,” or “The Last of Us” is very unlikely, because of the technological limitations of the hardware. While there’s very much a chance that some terrific games land on the Wii U, it’s much, much likelier that the system will be glutted with crappy, casual games, spat out by companies that know people will buy what’s formulaic and widely available.

Certainly, great first party titles like "Pikmin 3" will make it to the Wii U - but unless Nintendo makes some major changes to its marketing strategy, its execs may not be smiling for much longer. 

Because of the Wii-U control set-up, it’s very unlikely that the console will ever see a quality simulation racer like “Forza,” or a quality sports game like “FIFA,” or a technical fighting game like “Virtua Fighter,” or a straight-up shooter like “Half-Life” or “Deus Ex.” While the Wii U ControlPad could lead to some interesting experiences, it is more likely that the controller will just hinder developers from making quality titles. For the console to excel, Nintendo will ultimately have to move away from the gimmick-based gaming experience, and focus more on creating complex, immersive gaming experiences, like “Skyrim” or “Diablo III.”

And if Nintendo can’t accomplish that?

They’re going to be enjoying a third-place spot in the console wars for a long time to come.

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