This Week in Alt-Right Neo-Nazi Hate Speech That Needs To Be Banned

Trigger warning activated! Our biweekly recap of everything that irked, irritated and aggravated SJWs is back with a vengeance! Read it and weep, NAZIS AND FASCISTS AND RACIST SNOWFLAKES! THE INTERNET IS IN AMERICA IS NOW UNDER THE CONTROL OF SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS!

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This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom (March 18, 2019 Edition!)

Trigger warning activated! Our biweekly recap of everything that irked, irritated and aggravated SJWs is back with a vengeance!

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This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom (March 04, 2019 Edition!)

Trigger warning activated! Our biweekly recap of everything that irked, irritated and aggravated SJWs is back with a vengeance! 

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The IIIA 2018 State of The Union Address Report!

Missed Trump's inaugural SOTU address (or just so damned lazy it's taken you almost three months to look into it?) No worries - the first ever IIIA guest article fills you in all the details ...

By: Alex Steele
catchthecondor14@gmail.com
www.acondor14.blogspot.com

Hola, amigos - it's your  proprietor of The Internet Is In America, Jimbo X. As you've probably noticed, I haven't been updating the site as regularly as of late. Long story short, it's because I'm one busy motherfucker and between working 12 hours a day, six days a week, taking care of my puppy and trying to keep my significant other sexually satisfied (all while still finding the time to do basic human functions like sleep, shower and cram Reese's cups down my throat at 11:34 at night as my first meal of the day), I simply don't have the time nor the impetus to spend a good two or three hours a day waxing philosophically on such grave topics as the BonziBuddy and Little Debbie's arsenal of L-T-O Easter products from five years ago.

Of course, I still plan on writing for the site, but for the foreseeable future, expect my posts to be a little sparser, a little shorter and a little less frequent. And since I can't run the site full-time anymore, I decided to do the most democratic thing I could - I'm turning the reins over to you, the people.

That's right - today, I'm proud to announce, formally, the launch of THE INTERNET IS IN AMERICA WRITERS APPRENTICESHIP PROGRAM. It's real simple, kids. All you have to do is send me an email to this here address, let me know what you want to write about (or already have written about), and as long as it's a.) funny, b.) entertaining and c.) not stark-raving agitprop, odds are I'll probably publish it.

Now, I ain't paying any of you assholes, so don't even think about trying to bilk my out of my money. But what I WILL promise you, however, is that your shit will get published, it'll get promoted and you'll get a full byline and everything to accompany your article, complete with complementary plugs to your websites or social media profiles or whatever the hell else you people are doing on the Internet nowadays. And for no extra cost, your kindly Jimbo X - a ten-year professional writer with a wealth of journalism and P.R. experience, by the way - will teach you the tricks of the trade, and maybe even give you a recommendation when a "real" website comes a lookin' to procure your services.

In fact, we've already got one reader turned writer aboard - one Alex Steele, who recently sent along the following article highlighting the ups and downs of President Donald Trump's first State of the Union address. Without further ado, Let's take a gander at what "The Condor" has to say about POTUS' SOTUA, why don't we?

Every start of the year, the President of the United States meets with both houses of Congress to discuss where we’ve been as a country, and where we’re going as a country. This, of course, is the State of the Union address. This year, I wanted to simply watch the speech and write down my thoughts as it happened. And so, presented to you in the bullet points below, are my cliffs notes, taken down LIVE as Trump spoke to both houses. (It was fairly simple to keep up in between the massive amounts of clapping after almost EVERY PAUSE; historically, a recurring annoyance during this speech.)

- One of the first people I see walking in tonight is former WWE CEO Linda McMahon. Let’s hope she doesn’t break a hip (or a castor) getting to her seat.

- Mostly curious to hear about Trump’s comments on immigration, the economy and what’s on the horizon.

- Who can forget the time he shaved Mr. McMahon bald in Detroit at WrestleMania 23? I was live to witness the proceedings.

- Trump not getting as much applause as Obama; Congress is split so far down the middle on the DACA issue (and many others, quite frankly) that it’s like the Grand Canyon.

- Taking bets on whether or not the word “shithole” comes up during tonight’s speech.

- The coif is looking good tonight; props on the makeup department.

- It always amazes me how these guys in Congress clap so damn much when, deep down, we all know at least one of them wants to do a run-in with a steel chair.

- Wearing black to show unity for victims of sexual assault; my stomach just churned.

- Paul Ryan starts to say “prevented”, but then corrects himself; gonna chalk that up as a goof, nothing more. Y’all take that for what it’s worth.

- Swift action already taken during the first months of the Administration; can’t argue with him there.

- Stand and applause; duck-face.

- Mentions of Hurricane Harvey, the Las Vegas Shooting; veteran in the house tonight, one of the first responders during Harvey.

- Firefighter David Dolberg gets a shout-out for his efforts fighting the California wildfires.

- Now, what are you boneheads gonna do to make sure first responders like Ashley and David continue to get paid?

- Congressman Steve Scalise from Louisiana took a bullet and came back to work 3 months later; I would’ve filed for workman’s comp.

- “I think they like you, Steve.” Trump’s attempt at a quick joke. No problem here.

- Trump seeking Dems and Reps to come together not only in times of tragedy, but here and now ... good luck.

- Nancy Pelosi stone-faced and not clapping at all. Good to know where her loyalties lie.

- The state of our union is strong because our people are strong...so maybe THEY should start running things.

- 2.4 million new jobs created (OK, what kinds of jobs, and where?)

- 200,000 new jobs in manufacturing alone (again, where?)

- Rising wages after years as stagnation.

- Unemployment claims have hit a 45 year low.

- Black unemployment is the lowest ever recorded.

- Mexican unemployment have also reached the lowest levels in history.

- So what about all the homeless people?

- Small business confidence is as high as ever (and I wonder how Linda McMahon is involved?)

- Propping himself for the big tax reform bill passed before the start of the year ... gotta' admit, I’m kinda stunned they did it...so WHY can’t they figure out immigration?!

- Standard deduction doubled for everyone.

- $24,000 earned by a married couple is tax-free.

- Doubled child tax credit.

- $2,000 less for $75K yearly salary cuts tax bill in half……..maybe I’m not that good at math, but I can’t see it.

But the best part was when he leapt off the balcony and conked John McCain over the head like he was New Jack or something.

- Individual mandate for health insurance gone from Obamacare.

- Bernie Sanders is also stone-faced; somehow, socialism still seems to be the answer.

- $4,000 increase a year is pretty good if you want something to hold your dick with...I’ll have to do some research

- Must be hard being the only black man within a two-mile radius; he seems unfazed.

- $350 billion to be invested by Apple in America, and more workers to be hired.

- More duck face.

- Exxon Mobil $50 billion investment; maybe to finish cleaning off the Alaska coastline?

- If you work hard, and believe in yourself, you can dream anything, and be anything ... lot of people have said that over the years, but many people still work hard for nothing.

- We all share the same American flag ... you mean the one that some people try to burn in front of veterans in this country?

- Faith and family, not government and bureaucracy, are the center of America ... I beg to differ.

- Shout out to police and veterans, who deserve our support ... SO PUT THE AMVETS AD IN THE SUPER BOWL!

- Preston Sharp noticed veterans' graves were not adorned with American flags ... I didn’t know that was supposed to be standard protocol. Who was sleeping at the wheel?

- He’s sitting RIGHT NEXT to Melania … nope, not gonna make that joke.

- Stand for the National Anthem; shots fired on the NFL and the protesters.

- HALF of Congress remained seated during that wide pan ... holy shit.

- And ANOTHER wide pan with a 50/50 stand/sit ratio.

- OK, there’s more clapping going on than I care for at this point; it’s starting to get old.

- 1,500 people lost their jobs for being shitty to our veterans, gonna hire better ones; that’s pretty scary; so, what does it mean to fail, exactly?

- Remove federal employees that undermine trust ... maybe they’re getting behind removing Trump?

- Regulation rollback ... the last time that happened, Bush Jr. and friends put the economy in the shitter.

- There was a war on American energy and coal? Must have missed the memo.

- Chrysler is moving back to Michigan and Toyota and Mazda are opening plants in Alabama ... so there will be opportunities abound to steal resources for Alabama’s many trailers.

- Bets on whose knees blow out first by standing and sitting so much, being taken now!

- Terminally ill people need access to experimental treatments immediately; OK, but how are you gonna do it?

- Reduce the price of prescription drugs; gooooood luck with that shit, holmes.

- Stabenow stands up; guess Dems want to lower drug prices, too (HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)

- Carmella apparently knocked out the ref when trying to cash in her WMITB contract; somehow, this is more important than what’s happening in real life (it’s certainly more interesting, admittedly.)

- At least Sanders seems to agree with Trump’s desire to get people out of poverty; he just wants to share wealth with everyone.

- Open vocational schools!

- Support paid family leave...don’t they already do this with the FMLA?

- Now we get to the good shit...immigration; let’s see where this goes.

- Families of slain girls, murdered by illegals, are here tonight.

- MS-13 gang called out by name.

- Full house stands for the victims; all right, all right, but what will Dems response be in regards to DACA?

The ultimate liberal dilemma - when clapping for black people means also condemning the actions of illegal immigrants.

- 320 million hearts are breaking; last I checked, we had a hell of a lot more people in America.

- Trump claims his new legislation will ensure this will never happen again ... I highly doubt it.

- I want our American kids to grow up and do great things ... so get them damn Mexicans out of our country!

- Americans are "Dreamers," too! SHOTS FIRED!

- Thousands of MS-13 gang members have either been deported ... or are being fed three square meals in our fabulous prisons.

- Trump urging Congress to send CJ reinforcements.

- Four pillars: path to citizenship for 1.8 million illegals brought to America as children to become citizens over a 12 year period.

- Fully secures the border (Gonna' build the wall? And get the Mexicans to pay for it?)

- Close loopholes, and ends program of catch and release (horrible, dangerous practice.)

- Ends the visa lottery; not too many people happy about that.

- Merit-based immigration system; skilled, who want to work, and contribute to society.

- End chain-migration; a single immigrant can bring in distant relatives (boos and hisses); focus on immediate family (spouses and minor children.)

- Get the job done! And more duck face.

- Much tougher on drug dealers and pushers to curb the opioid epidemic (does that mean the crooked doctors, too?!)

- End dangerous defense sequester; otherwise known as keeping the government open.

- ISIS on its heels; apparently he, too, disagreed with the Ted Cruz approach, and thank God for that.

- Justin Peck is a goddamn hero; let’s hope he don’t have any skeletons in the closet!

- Terrorists are UNLAWFUL ENEMY COMBATANTS. Don’t quite remember Obama making that claim.

- He’s keeping Guantanamo Bay open; not sure what to think about that, since Obama wanted it closed.

- We no longer tell our enemies our plans ... so that shit was happening before?!

- Jerusalem is recognized as the capital of Israel.

- Tough sanctions on Cuba and Venezuela.

- And now we’re on to North Korea.

- Story about that one dumbass that got arrested in North Korea; I don’t feel sorry for Otto; he should have known that those people don’t fuck around.

- Story of the North Korean defector; you know he’s shitting his pants knowing Kim Jong Un is watching and plotting his revenge.

- Light up the entire world? I wouldn’t have used that phrase ...

- USA chants breaking out! But some dude walked out ... communist.

- Overall, I think he did a good job; surprising to hear he has one of the lowest approval ratings of any president in his first year; I wonder who’s to blame for that?

- No mention of the Russia investigation or the memo; he’s supposed to release the memoas soon as his speech is done.

- Let’s just keep following his Twitter ... THERE’S the real source of truth! *eye roll*

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VHS Review: 'Our Friend, Martin' (1998)

Revisiting one of the most ubiquitous Black History Month video cassette staples in the annals of American public education (and yes, it does indeed play fast and loose with the historical accuracy, in case you were wonderin'.)

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

I don't know how you folks spent your Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, but if you ask me, there's only one proper way to get our collective Kangs on - and that, of course, is with a screening of the 1998 straight-to-video cartoon Our Friend, Martin.

What, you've never heard of Our Friend, Martin before? Well, if you grew up in elementary school America between the years 1999 and 2005, odds are your local public escuela/indoctrination factory made you watch it at least once a year (if not to commemorate MLK Day, than certainly as filler come Black History Month.) Now, I was in middle school and on the verge of entering high school when the straight-to-video offering was initially released, so I just missed out on this particular early aughties phenomena. But judging from the way the Millennials talk about this 'un on Reddit and 4chan and YouTube, I'd feel pretty comfortable labeling Our Friend, Martin as their generation's The ButterCream Gang - that weird piece of ubiquitous pop cultural ephemera that not only is inextricably tied to one's public education experience, but seems to only exist within the vacuum of elementary school nostalgia.

Even now I'm not sure exactly who bank rolled this thing, or what they're agenda was, or if they even suspected the damn tape would become a VCR staple in every primary school in America for at least half a decade. Whoever it was, though, they had to have had quite a bit of loose change to throw around, considering the staggering number of A-and-B-list celebrities lending their vocal talents to the production. Ed Asner, Angela Bassett, Danny Glover, Whoopi Goldberg, Samuel L. Jackson, James Earl Jones, Ashley Judd, Susan Sarandon, Jon Travolta, OPRAH - hell, they even got Urkel to show up for a day or two in the recording studio to voice a teenaged MLK. It's undoubtedly a star-studded production, and the fact that this thing never made it to TV (or even basic cable, to the best of my knowledge) makes its existence all the more perplexing. I mean, you'd think PBS, if nobody else, would've tried to wrap their mitts around this one, but no - apparently, Our Friend, Martin went straight to video and - for all intents and purposes - just stayed there until YouTube and DailyMotion came along.

And if you've never seen it before, well - consider this in-depth review/analysis either a late MLK, Jr. Day gift or a really early Black History Month present.

The film begins with a title screen for DIC Entertainment, who is best known for producing half of every cartoon made in the 1980s (Nelvana, obviously, did the either half.) Some organization called I.P.M. gets secondary billing, but I have no idea who or what they are. And no, a quick Google search turns up nothing of use, even when you use "Our Friend Martin" as a Boolean assistant. We get this really, really cheesy R&B song as the opening credits rolls, and even better it's called "When We Were Kings" because fuck, sometimes the universe just makes things TOO easy for us.

No, this is the film at its absolute subtlest.

The movie begins proper with these two black kids standing in front of rubble that magically transforms into a fully built house. Oh, and one of them transforms into Martin Luther King, Jr. after entering the Stargate, so there's that.

And because this shit isn't late 1990s enough, we have ourselves a secondary title theme performed by Salt N Pepa, which sounds more like something to bump uglies to than something befitting of a children's animated program. From there, we are introduced to our antagonist, Miles, a precocious black kid who idolizes Hank Aaron, has a nasty ass bedroom and calls his mama "a slave" because she actually wants to work overtime at the office. (Oh, and as an aside, we never see Miles' father in the cartoon. Yeah, that revelation shocked the shit out of me, too.) Then she tells him if he doesn't get his grades up, he won't be able to play baseball and become rich like Barry Bonds and will probably end up slangin' crack down at the Waffle House down by the I-285 interchange. By the way, this kid's house is NICE - we're talking two stories, stairs, a basement, an attic, the fuckin' works. As a matter of fact, one might even call Miles - dare I say it - privileged?

In the next scene Miles is accosted by this fat blond white boy in a purple belly shirt. Eventually the bully, named Kyle, grabs hold of Miles at the bus stop but the old white bus driver almost runs him over and Miles is just barely able to escape. "See you, wouldn't want to be you," Miles says, which, for the record, was an antediluvian phrase even by 1998 standards. So Kyle's dad - voiced by John Travolta of all people - has to drive him to school. Which, fittingly enough, is Martin Luther King, Jr. Middle School. From there, we're introduced to the rest of the cast. There's this skateboarding kid with a country accent (voiced by the little kid from Sling Blade, if you can believe it) and this stuck up Hispanic bitch who considers herself "Madame Curie" and the rest of her cohorts "The Three Stooges." Miles' teacher (whose race is a complete mystery - she could be Dominican or she could be Irish) then tells him she's worried about his slipping grades and he blames it on baseball season. Then he says the only way for a black person to make money in this day and age is through sports or entertainment, and then the teacher says something about Colin Powell and tells Miles that if he doesn't do a good job on his book report about Martin Luther King, he's going to be held back a grade. 

So anyway, the kids go on a field trip to MLK's birth home, and Whoopi Goldberg is the tour guide and the country skateboarder kid LITERALLY asks her if MLK had magical powers. Then Miles sees a photo of MLK as a kid playing baseball and Miles says "why the fuck NOT steal a revered civil rights leader'  baseball glove?" But as soon as Miles puts it on, Wish Kid-style, he and that country motherfucker are magically transported back to the 1930s. Sure as sugar, they run into 12-year-old MLK, whom Miles describes as "major magic time," which I have to admit, does roll off the tongue rather smoothly. Oddly enough, even though it's Atlanta in the Great Depression, black kids and white kids are playing baseball together, which, I don't know, seems like a bit of a stretch to me. But then a white woman calls Miles "an uppity colored" and tells the white skateboarder kid that if he doesn't clean up his act he'll get fucking lynched.

Miles slips on the glove again and this time around the kids wind up on a train with a teenage Martin Luther King, Jr. King explains how he spent the summer humbly picking tobacco in Connecticut to pay for college, which - to put it mildly - isn't exactly a 100 percent truthful interpretation of what King's ACTUAL youth was like. Then MLK talks about how "whites and coloreds" couldn't associate with one another in the South, while ominous music plays over stock footage of segregated water fountain signs. Then the kids eat dinner with the rest of the King family, and Daddy King is voiced by James Earl Jones, because of course he would. "Don't you think it's cool he's always doing nice things for everybody else?" Miles comments.

Hey, it was either that, or Wayne Williams Junior High.

The kids time-skip once more. Now they're in Montgomery, Ala. for the bus boycott in 1956. And now MLK is voiced by Levar Burton, and we get the NARRATIVE APPROVED Rosa Parks story (which, of course, never brings up the fact that Samuel B. Fuller was already in the process of BUYING the Montgomery bus system), and then we get stock footage of MLK's house getting firebombed. Then a character voiced by Samuel L. Jackson starts rallying the black community to use violence against the honkeys, but MLK tells them to be more like Gandhi instead ... which, uh, means he wants them to hate Africans and sleep with their naked nieces on top of them?

Well, before we can fully digest that peculiar visual, the kids time hop again, and now it's time to relive the Birmingham riots, complete with a montage contrasting cartoons and real people having Dobermans bite their ball sacks and getting hit in the face with fire hoses. The kids end up getting transported back to the modern day, and the next day they watch ANOTHER video about the sit-ins and "Bull" Connor, who is pretty much depicted here as a cross between Hitler and The Penguin. And that's our cue for even MORE footage of black people getting power washed, complete with the very, very debatable suggestion that MLK and JFK formed a partnership for racial justice.

After school, the kids go back to MLK's birth home and convince Whoopi Goldberg to let 'em go back inside and fuck around with the time-space continuum some more. The fat white kid and that know-it-all Hispanic bitch decide to trail 'em and what do you know, all four of them wind up getting sucked back in time to the March on Washington. Oh, and hilariously, the "I Have A Dream" speech is dubbed over, because the King estate actually TRADEMARKED it and make people pay to use it now. That said, you can still have a lot of fun with the scene subbing in your OWN music. Might I suggest "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)" by W.A.S.P.? Anyhoo, the kids run into their future teacher at the rally, and she talks about MLK representing the "power of one" and "affecting change in everyone we touch" and a whole bunch of other hippie dippie bullshit. 

Then the kids hop forward in time and find newspaper clippings about King's death and act like it's the first time they ever heard he died before and decide to head back in time and STOP MLK FROM GETTING ASSASSINATED. "Sorry, that's way past my curfew," MLK tells the kids when they ask him to travel with them to 1999. But after name dropping Cesar Chavez and Thurgood Marshall enough times, MLK finally decides to travel to Miles' time alongside the rest of the chirrens. Except when Miles and MLK get there, the King birth home is just rubble on the ground and the two white kids are best friends instead of being antagonistic towards each other and oh shit, black kids aren't allowed to ride the school bus anymore. Cue stock footage of KKK marches and "colored only" park benches and MLK starts asking Miles some serious questions about why he thinks *his* timeline is so great again. Now cue MORE stock footage of burning crosses and masses of black people weeping. And, then when the kids get to the middle school, all of a sudden it's been renamed "Robert E. Lee Middle" and the water fountains are segregated again and the principal keeps telling them to "git out" and chides the teachers for being "stupid women." And, oh, that Hispanic girl from earlier? Now she's a street urchin who doesn't know English and polishes floors for a living and Miles' mama is a MAID and he's all pissed that he don't have a Nintendo 64 no more.

So Miles and MLK have to sleep in bags on the floor and then MLK sees his daddy's ghost in the clouds and right then and there he decides he has to go back in time and DIE and keep the continuity loop a goin' as originally planned. And holy shit, they actually SHOW MLK getting shot in Memphis. Well, you have to give 'em some props for having the cojones to put THAT in a children's cartoon. From there we segue to footage from King's funeral, but again, since it originally used quips from the "I Have a Dream" speech, all we have here is just dead audio. Anyway, with everything corrected in the space-time continuum, Miles is able to come back to the modern day and yep, everything is back to normal. And after Miles gets an "A" on his assignment, the kids decide to go feed some homeless people and join Jimmy Carter's Habitats for Humanity and hug crippled black women in wheelchairs while a cover "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" plays in the background. And that, my multicultural brethren, is all there is to it.

Hooray for government-mandated inclusionary policymaking, which totally can't be subverted into civil liberties-eroding power grabs the same way government-mandated exclusionary policymaking was!

Well, I guess that is what it is, isn't it? I guess you don't need me to tell you the historical accuracy in this one was hit and miss, and you REALLY have to question the cartoon's rosy - if not downright messianic - depiction of the good Rev. Dr. King. I mean, it's not like they were ever going to show the alleged homosexual drunken orgies or bring up the fact that a lot of MLK's mentors were avowed communists or anything like that, but they could have at least tried to make the guy seem a little more relatable. After all, the REAL MLK smoked, packed heat, and boned at least one white woman, didn't he?

I suppose in hindsight one may consider Our Friend, Martin one of the great pioneering texts of the ongoing "white guilt" complex in American society - especially for Millennials. Remember, this was shit children were seeing every single year throughout elementary school and junior high, and let's face it - the big, central message the cartoon gets across (rather intentional or planned) is that a.) MLK was so great that everything he said most be taken as the literal social gospel and b.) left unchecked, white men will enslave you again and call your mama bad names. Even if that wasn't the filmmakers' desire, that's just the way hyper-literal children think, and when you have that pounded into your skull over and over for nine years, without a single adult explaining the movie's takeaways in a more nuanced form it can and will leave an indelible stamp on one's psyche - and no amount of factual evidence is likely to surmount the pure emotional pull one has felt since he or she was in kindergarten. The filmmakers may have thought the key idea children took away from the movie was that you shouldn't treat people unfairly because they're different, but instead the central theme they're walking away with is "holy shit, white people were EVIL as fuck back in the day, and if we don't do everything MLK tells us to they'll start treating minorities like doo doo again." Just read the comments on this YouTube upload - virtually none of the top comments are about racial reconciliation, but various shades of the old "boy howdy, the whites sure were MEAN towards blacks back then, and you know what, the probably still want to enslave us" chestnut. Planned, or unplanned, that's the major takeaway easily impressionable children got out of this movie - don't judge people by the color of their skin, except for the white ones, because goddamn, look at all the evil shit they did back in 1950s.

As a history lesson, it's pretty much just brazen hagiography for the ankle-biter set, leaving out all of M.L.K.'s more regrettable character traits and pretty much attributing the entirety of the Civil Rights Movement to his doing (that there isn't a companion video chronicling the animated exploits of Malcolm X is a rather telling example of omission by design.) As a morality play, it's pretty humdrum as well, but come on - it's pro-diversity propaganda intended for first graders. What did you expect? And taken only on its merits as animation, it's passable, but nothing extraordinary. The entire time I was watching the video I just felt like the character designs seemed hauntingly familiar, and sure enough, the IMDB validated my suspicions: it was co-directed by Vincenzo Trippetti, who as fate would have it, also served as a storyboard supervisor for The Real Ghostbusters, Jem and Mummies Alive! Needless to say, if there was ever a production in dire need of a sudden guest appearance by Apep the Snake God, surely it would be this woefully uninvolving cartoon.

As a piece of nostalgic ephemera, I suppose it has its merits. Shit, I didn't even watch the thing when I was a kid and I still smelled my old elementary school's cafeteria and gym mats while I was reviewing it. But more importantly, it stands as a testament to the power of the media - particularly animated programming - as a major social conditioning engineer. Our Friend, Martin is unquestionably a production with the chief goal of dictating morality to its young audience. It has little to do with entertaining them, or even giving them an educational history lesson. Rather, it's a coordinated effort to instill in young viewers the seeds of an adult ethos, one that neatly contours to a particular political ideology and its pre-established dogma.

Is the intent of Our Friend, Martin to encourage children to rebuke collectivist labels and see individuals as precisely that, individuals, or is it meant to goad children into believing a one-dimensional social policy creation myth that clearly paints one half of the U.S. social dyad as born losers and the other half as lapsed ethno-totalitarians?

And if you can't figure out which one, no worries - just show this flick to an eight-year-old and they'll be able to tell you which is which as soon as it's over.

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2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 2!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"Your defense is offensive"

THE ELITES

#01

Oakland Raiders (2-0)

Season Point Differential: +35

Ten years ago, the hopeless, hapless and helpless Raiders drafted Jamarcus Russell, setting into motion a cap space nightmare made flesh that insured they would be hardly anything more than perennial AFC West bottom-feeders for the better part of a decade. Well, a mere three years after picking up Derek Carr, Khalil Mack and Gabe Jackson in the 2014 draft, the Raiders have transformed into quite possibly the most explosive offensive threat in pro football - as evident by the team's 45-20 mangling of the New York Jets last Sunday. Powered by veteran ball carrier Marshawn Lynch, the Raiders are just as explosive running the ball as they are throwing it, as indicative of Jalen Richard and Cordarrelle Patterson (who is actually a slot receiver by position) each breaking off 40-yard plus TD runs against N.Y. If this defense (in particular, the secondary) improves, this team could become a MAJOR postseason player - if not an outright dynasty in waiting.

#02

Baltimore Ravens (2-0)

Season Point Differential: +34

There's nothing flashy about the no-name offense of the Ravens, but they're certainly getting the job done. In Baltimore's 24-10 win over Cleveland, Joe Flacco went 25 for 34 for 217 yards and 2 TDs (plus an INT), with Javorius Allen (5 receptions, 35 yards) and Jeremy Maclin (four receptions, 31 yards) each reeling in TD passes. Still, as solid as the team's rushing defense may be (they held Isaiah "Kill All Cops" Crowell to just 37 yards on the day), their pass defense seems fairly suspect; I mean, did these guys REALLY let DeShone Kizer and Kevin Hogan tag team 'em for 300 yards? Another reason for the Baltimore hype train to be awfully cautious: Pro Bowl lineman Marshal Yanda is officially out for the remainder of the season.

#03

Denver Broncos (2-0)

Season Point Differential: +30

In yet another sign that the biblical Apocalypse is nigh, Denver QB Trevor Siemian (231 yards, 22 completions) threw four touchdown passes in his team's 42-17 rectal execution of the Cowboys last Sunday. The run games of the two teams couldn't have been any more divergent; while Dallas struggled to rack up 40 yards on 14 carries, the Broncos easily accumulated 178 yards on the ground, with top producer C.J. Anderson racking up 118 yards and one end zone visit on 25 carries.

#04

Detroit Lions (2-0)

Season Point Differential: +26

After Monday night's game, you'd be hard-pressed to find anybody who thinks Matt Stafford isn't worth his record contract dollars. Going 15 for 21 for 122 yards and two scores, Stafford led the Lions to a facile 24-10 victory over the G-Men, with Detroit's defense holding New York to just 62 yards rushing  ... and sacking Eli Manning's ass five times for a net loss of 31 yards.

#05

Carolina Panthers (2-0)

Season Point Differential: +26

It wasn't pretty, but Cam Newton and company nonetheless managed to pull out the 9-3 win against Buffalo over the weekend. Both teams were held to less than 200 yards passing and neither squad could reach triple digits in terms of rushing yards; alas, the Panthers got within field goal range more times than the Bills, and that was the big decider in the ball game. Perhaps the biggest takeaway from the game, of course, is the injury to Pro Bowler Greg Olsen, whose broken leg is going to keep him out of action for the next two-to-three months.

#06

Kansas City Chiefs (2-0)

Season Point Differential: +22

Kareem Hunt's outstanding rookie year continues. In the Chiefs' 27-20 win over the Eagles, the first-year pro out of Toledo collected 81 yards and two touchdowns on 13 carries, and he currently leads the League in total rushing yards. Alas, after a 400-yard-plus performance against New England on opening night, Alex Smith's numbers looked a little more, well, Alex Smith-like; KC's QB finished the game with a more down-to-earth 251 yards and one TD pass on 21 completions.

#07

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0)

Season Point Differential:+22

Well, there's no hurricane rust on the Bucs. In their 29-7 beatdown of Chicago, Jameis Winston went 18 for 30 for one TD, with Mike Evans leading the receiving corps with 93 yards on seven receptions. Alas, as good as the Bucs' run defense was (they held the Bears to an absurd 20 yards on the ground), they also let the Bears get way more aerial yardage than they probably should've; thankfully, the Bears were more than happy to turn the ball over four times so their foes had ample opportunities to capitalize on Mike Glennon's fuck-ups. 

#08

Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0)

Season Point Differential:+20

The Steelers had no problem surmounting the Vikings in a facile 26-9 home victory. Big Ben went 23 for 35 for two touchdowns, with top receiver Martavis Bryant hauling in three passes for 91 yards and one trip to the end zone. Le'Veon Bell had a pretty good showing, collecting 87 yards but no scores on 27 touches, and the defense looked tremendous, too, holding Case Keenum to just 167 yards passing on 20 completions and Dalvin Cook to just 64 yards on 12 carries.

He may not stand for the flag, but at least he knows how to get down to the beat.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Atlanta Falcons (2-0)

Season Point Differential: +17

Don't let the 34-23 final score fool you - the Falcons/Packers shindig last Sunday night was never that close. Indeed, in the opening of the third quarter a fumble returned for a touchdown gave Atlanta a 31-7 lead, and everything Green Bay posted afterwards was the definition of garbage time pointage. Matt Ryan had an alright showing (19 for 28 for 252 yards for one TD), but the hero of the day for Atlanta was definitely back Devonta Freeman, who finished the contest with 84 yards and two touchdown trips on 19 touches.

#10

Miami Dolphins (1-0)

Season Point Differential: +2

The Dolphins just barely eked out a win against the Chargers in their first game of the season in L.A., with an errant kick from the recently displaced powder blue jerseys giving Miami the 19-17 victory. Jay Cutler went 24 for 30 for 230 yards and one passing TD, while Jay Ajayi looked just as good as he did last season, accumulating 122 yards on 28 carries. Still, that passing defense is just the worst; at the final horn, the Fins allowed Phillip Rivers to complete 31 of 39 passes for 331 yards and one score.

#11

Los Angeles Rams (1-1)

Season Point Differential: +30

After destroying the Colts 46-9 in week one, the Rams followed suit by dropping a 27-20 loss to Washington. Stats-wise, there isn't much to talk about; Jared Goff was just sorta' OK with 224 yards and a 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio on 15 completions while Todd Gurley looked fairly solid carrying the pigskin 16 times for 88 yards and one score. The team's rush defense, however, was downright putrid, allowing the Redskins to rack up 229 yards and two touchdowns on the ground. 

#12

Tennessee Titans (1-1)

Season Point Differential: +11

After a ten-point loss to the Raiders in week one, the Titans rebounded in a big way by besting divisional foes Jacksonville by a whopping 21 points. The pass and run game both clicked for Tennessee; Marcus Mariota finished the affair 15 for 27 for 215 yards and a 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio, while Derrick Henry led the backfield's combined 179-yard, three touchdown day with 92 yards and one TD on 14 touches.

#13

Philadelphia Eagles (1-1)

Season Point Differential: +6

Even though the Eagles lost 27-20 to the Chiefs last Sunday, there's still plenty of positives for Philly fans to take away from the game. For one, Carson Wentz posted great numbers again, going 25 for 46 for 333 yards and two touchdown passes - that, in addition to the extra 55 yards he picked up scrambling. And Philly's defense looked pretty solid, sacking KC'S Alex Smith four times for a cumulative 19-yard loss. Alas, Philly's offensive line looked equally terrible, allowing Chiefs' defenders to drop Wentz six times for a net yardage loss of 34.

#14

Buffalo Bills (1-1)

Season Point Differential: +3

In the Bills' 9-3 loss to Carolina, only kicker Stephen Hauschka could net any points for Buffalo. Perhaps the low-scoring affair was inevitable; after all, averaging 234.5 yards per game, Buffalo currently has the League's second stingiest defense ... behind Carolina, of course, who leads the Leage with 196.5 yards allowed per game.

#15

New England Patriots (1-1)

Season Point Differential: +1

Well, Tom Brady decided to be Tom Brady again last Sunday. Following a shocking 15-point loss to the Chiefs at home on opening night, the Pats took out their frustrations on the figuratively-but-might-as-well-be-literally-defenseless Saints, walloping Drew Brees and amigos 36-20. Brady led the League in passing yards in week two, accumulating 447 yards and three touchdowns on 30 completions, with Gronk leading New England's receivers with 116 yards and one touchdown on six catches.

#16

Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1)

Season Point Differential: +1

After a dominant 22 point victory over the Texans in week one, the Jaguars quickly reverted to form and got their asses waxed 37-16 by the Titans last Sunday. Blake Bortles went 20 for 34 for 223 yards, one TD and one INT, with Allen Hurns leading the Jags' receivers with 82 yards and a score on six receptions. After topping 100 yards in his regular season NFL debut, Leonard Fournette was far less impressive in week two; he got a touchdown, but he only recorded 40 yards on 14 carries.

Yeah, like anybody expects a segment literally sponsored by Gilllette to be anything other than a Tom Brady dick-suck-a-thon.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Green Bay Packers (1-1)

Season Point Differential: -3

Down at one juncture by two dozen points, there's not a lot that can assuage the Green Bay faithful following their prime time 34-23 loss to the Falcons. Granted, Aaron Rodgers had decent stats (33 for 50 for 343 yards, two touchdowns and one INT), and Davante Adams and Ty Montgomery both looked solid with 75-yards-plus and one TD haul a piece. But what the hell happened to the run game? The Packers sputtered out on the ground, racking up just 59 yards on 19 carries, while letting their adversaries chalk up 141 on 27 carries.

#18

Seattle Seahawks (1-1)

Season Point Differential: -5

With seven minutes and some change left in the fourth quarter, Russell Wilson connected with Paul Richardson on a nine yard pass to give the Seahawks a 12-9 victory over divisional foes San Fran. Even in victory, Wilson chalked up one of his worst performances ever under center for Seattle; he finished the game 23 for 39 for 198 yards, got sacked three times and had four of his passes deflected by 49ers defenders.

#19

Washington Redskins (1-1)

Season Point Differential: -6

Kirk Cousins' 11-yard zip to Ryan Grant with less than two minutes in the fourth was the game winner for the Redskins, who bested the Rams 27-20 at the L.A. Colosseum. Washington's run game definitely helped out the sluggish passing attack; while Cousins could only accumulate 179 yards in the air, the combined Redskins backfield was able to rack up 229 on the ground, with backs Rob Kelley (12 carries, 78 yards, one score) and Chris Thompson (3 carries, 77 yards and two touchdowns) leading the charge.

#20

Minnesota Vikings (1-1)

Season Point Differential: -7

The Vikings offense just couldn't get started against the Steelers. In the 26-9 road loss, Case Keenum had just 146 yards on the day after factoring in the two times he got sacked for negative 21 yards, while Pittsburgh's defenders recorded six deflections and hit the QB seven times. The lone positive out of the experience? Kicker Kai Forbath looked pretty solid, knocking three field goals to give Minnesota their only points on the board all afternoon long.

#21

Dallas Cowboys (1-1)

Season Point Differential: -9

Just one week after throttling the Giants, the Cowboys themselves wound up getting strangulated by the Denver Broncos in a pitiful 42-17 ass thrashing. Dak Prescott went 30 for 50 for 238 yards, two touchdowns and two INTs, while Ezekiel Elliot wrapped up the game with an atrocious eight yards on nine carries. At least Jason Witten got you some fantasy points, though; he completed the game with 97 yards and a touchdown on ten receptions.

#22

Arizona Cardinals (1-1)

Season Point Differential: -9

With 12 minutes left in the fourth quarter, the Cards were down 13-3. About five minutes later, Carson Palmer would hit J.J. Nelson for a 45-yard TD strike, and barely four minutes after that Phil Dawson would boot the game-tying field goal. Seven minutes into O.T. Dawson would knock another one through the uprights to give Arizona the hard-fought, extra-innings victory; if you listen very, very closely, you can still hear the residents of Indianapolis cursing their television sets. 

#23

Houston Texans (1-1)

Season Point Differential: -18

Deshaun Watson may not have had any TD throws in his 15 for 24, 125 yard passing day against the Bengals last Thursday night, but he at least managed to put points on the board with a 49-yard rushing TD. Beyond that, there really isn't much to celebrate concerning Houston's 13-9 win over Cincinnati. Well, except for maybe the DeAndre Hopkins' 73-yard, seven reception day, but at that point, we'd really be stretching it.

#24

Los Angeles Chargers (0-2)

Season Point Differential: -5

Yeah, I know it's going to sound like a backhanded compliment, but the Chargers really are the best winless team in the NFL. Indeed, both of their losses have been by three points or less, and in each outing the team was undone by a last second special teams snafu. That's not to say there aren't some major problems with their run game, though. The Chargers - who now play in a soccer stadium that can barely hold 30,000 people - only put up 44 yards on the ground last Sunday, while allowing the Dolphins to rack up 111.

No, a half-starved Somalian teenager didn't steal Hue Jackson's wardrobe; that's actually what the quarterback for the Cleveland Browns looks like.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Cleveland Browns (0-2)

Season Point Differential: -17

After a shockingly close loss to the Steelers in week one, the Browns quickly reverted to standard operating procedure with a 24-10 loss to the Ravens last Sunday. Quarterback play from both DeShone Kizer and Kevin Hogan were downright atrocious, with the former going 15 for 31 for 182 yards, zero scores and THREE interceptions and the latter going 5 for 11 for 118 yards, one garbage time TD and one INT. To put that in perspective, their COMBINED QBR of 60.6 was still 14.2 points lower than that of Baltimore's Joe Flacco. 

#26

San Francisco 49ers (0-2)

Season Point Differential: -23

49ers quarterback Brian Hoyer may have had the worst day of any QB thus far in the NFL season when his team got bested by Seattle over the weekend. In the 12-9 loss, Hoyer had a grand total of just 99 passing yards on the day, which you might as well roll back to just 89 because he got sacked twice for minus ten yards. And if that wasn't bad enough, he also lobbed an interception, had five passes deflected and got hit ten times by Seattle defenders. Well, I guess at this point, it's not like Colin K. would be any WORSE of an option at QB, would it?

#27

Cincinnati Bengals (0-2)

Season Point Differential: -26

In the Bengals' 13-9 Thursday night loss to the Texans, Andy Dalton went 20 for 35 for 224 yards and no touchdowns. He got sacked three times, was hit five times and had five passes deflected. Meanwhile, the team's backfield combined for a lowly 82 rushing yards on 24 carries, and some players for Cincinnati are already clamoring for the Red Rifle to get benched in favor of Colin "Fuck White People" Kaepernick. Considering they're traveling to Green Bay on Sunday, one can only hope the revitalized Bungles have plenty of guffaws in store for us over the weekend.

#28

New Orleans Saints (0-2)

Season Point Differential: -28

The more things change, the more they stay the same, especially if you're talking about New Orleans' porous defense. In their 36-20 loss to the Patriots, the Saints gave up 555 yards of total offense; just two games into the 2017 campaign, and New Orleans has already allowed their opponents to rack up 1,025 yards. Averaging 388.5 passing yards alone per game, these Saints are on pace to break the League record for most yardage given up in a single season - by almost 1,000 additional yards!

#29

Chicago Bears (0-2)

Season Point Differential: -30

After a stellar showing in week 1's surprisingly close game against Atlanta, the Bears got shellacked 29-7 by Tampa Bay over the weekend. Mike Glennon had 301 yards on 31 completions, with a one-to-two TD-to-INT ratio (with one resulting in a pick six for Robert McClain) while Jordan Howard was held to an ABSURD seven yards rushing on nine carries. Oh, and their only points came in the form of a pointless TD with less than two minutes left in the game - when they were already down by 29 points.

#30

New York Giants

Season Point Differential: -30

The G-Men are just two games into the season and they're already in total implosion mode. They followed up their demoralizing loss to the Cowboys in week one with an equally demoralizing 24-10 loss to the Lions on Monday night, one in which Eli Manning went 22 for 32 for 239 yards and one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. Even worse, the Giants' rushing game was practically rudderless; at the final horn, New York's backfield could only produce 62 yards worth of ground-based offense - and yet, they're still only the second worst pro football team playing home game at MetLife Stadium!

#031

New York Jets (0-2)

Season Point Differential: -34

The jets on 9/11 fared better than the Jets last Sunday, as they got waylaid by the Raiders 45-20. Josh McCown had 166 yards and two touchdowns (both tosses to Jermaine Kearse, who finished the game with 64 yards on four receptions) but he also got sacked four times for a net loss of 21 yards. And defensively, this team couldn't do shit; they let Derek Carr (23 for 28, 230 yards) connect with Michael Crabtree (six receptions, 80 yards) for three touchdowns, and their defenders didn't even hit the Raiders' QB once.  Factor in two costly turnovers which immediately led to Raiders' touchdowns and you have what might just be the most holistically dreadful performance of the fledgling NFL season thus far. 

#032

Indianapolis Colts (0-2)

Season Point Differential: -40

In the 2011 season, some accused the Colts of intentionally losing games on purpose so they could "Suck for Luck" and pick up the highly touted QB as the first selection in the NFL draft.Well, today, the Colts are running an entirely different campaign, "Suck without Luck," as they dropped a 16-13 overtime heartbreaker to Arizona. Ex-Pat Jacoby Brissett wasn't much of a factor in the game; going 20 for 37 for 216 yards, he had no touchdown passes or runs and was sacked four times for a cumulative loss of 26 yards. But on the bright side? At least they managed to hold Chris Johnson to 44 yards rushing on the day. Tis a pity they couldn't stop Carson Palmer's old ass from dropping 332 yards on them in the air, though ...

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